Moved from article as off-topic 
Moved from article as off-topic: Some people are like slinkies, pointless, but you can't help but smile when they fall down the stairs.
Rmhermen 23:00, 20 Apr 2005 (UTC) Pessimistic Quotations
The problem with pessimists is that they're right too much
If you think you're better than me, you probably are
Virtue is one thing that doesn't seem to become worth more when less is in circulation
If you don't use your mind, someone else will
Today is the last day of some of your life
Always look down because mother earth is the only one who thinks you're attractive
Every time you say the word happiness, you say the word penis
Money can turn woe into whoa
People call pain a gift because it's so much fun to give
Life is like a package from the Unabomber... ya never know what your gonna get
Don't let anyone tell you you're pretty on the inside until after they've cut you open
The deep things in life suck
The more you suffer, the more you suffer more
Dreams expand at the rate reality contracts
Death is a once in a lifetime experience
Another one 
Another one moved for being off-topic:
- "If your parents never had children, chances are ... neither will you." - Dick Cavett
Unsourced moved from main page to talk page 
- Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Why is a American household a Monarchy?
- I do not find humour funny, I can not laugh at it.
- Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- From the sublime to the ludicrous may take one step, but to be a great humorist takes a lifetime.
- The secret to humor is surprise.
- To explain the nature of laughter…is to account for the condition of human life.
- Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- We are not amused.
- Queen Victoria in Laffirmations by Joel Goodman 1995
- The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
Jacob Appel 
- Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke....
- Jacob Appel, American bioethicist, Sphinx Society lecture, Brown University, April 3, 2003 (as reported in the Brown Daily Herald).
I contacted Professor Appel about the quote and he wrote back the following:
Hi Alice. If you say I said that, I'm sure I did say it--and you are welcome to use it for your Wikiquote. Good luck! JMA - Hide quoted text -
On Sat, Feb 7, 2009 at 2:44 PM, Alice Crayne <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
Dear Professor Appel,
I am writing to find out whether you would be willing to confirm having made the following quote and whether we can use it, "Always warm up the audience with a joke....If you are not a particularly funny person, make sure that you inform them that it's a joke...." from your lecture at Brown University in 2003 in Wikiquote?
Thank you so much.
The speech was really on April 2, 20003, but the BDH covered it on Friday April 3, 'Appel offers riddles in Sphinx' p. 2. I can't find copies going back that far online, but I do have a paper copy. I can probably scan it in if you need me to for a source, but i don't know how to do that on Wikiquote. —This unsigned comment is by TheA-Crayne (talk • contribs) .
- If you can, scan it and email it to me at bd2412 (at) hotmail.com. Cheers! BD2412 T 02:15, 8 February 2009 (UTC)
Some more insufficiently sourced quotes 
- Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
- E. B. White, Some Remarks on Humor, introduction
- Humour is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.
- P. J. O'Rourke in Parliament of Whores
- Humor is, however, nearer right than any emotion we have. Humor is the atmosphere in which grace most flourishes.
- Henry Ward Beecher, 1874 sermon titled "Unjust Judgments"
- Jokes are not really funny at all, but reflect the most serious of concerns; the pursuit of sobriety through the suppression of the absurd.
- Marvin Minsky in Jokes and the Language of the Cognitive Unconscious
- Stand-up comedy is not a choice you make; it chooses you. I always felt that it had chosen me. It was forced on me, like a vocational thing.
- Billy Connolly, Daily Express, 29th October 2008
- What do you mean funny? Funny peculiar, or funny ha-ha?
- Ian Hay, The Housemaster, Act III