|This article needs to conform to our limits on quotations policy.
One or more sections of this article use quotes from a spoken word performance, and as a result, there should only be: five quotes per work.
If you would like to add another quote to a section, you may first need to remove one that is already there in order to keep within the bounds of fair use of copyright material.
 Copyright notice
As part of the Wikiquote:Copyright Cleanup Project, this article has been trimmed to a maximum of five quotes per standup performance. Additional quotations could be added so long as an equal number are deleted. See Wikiquote:Limits on quotations for guidelines. - InvisibleSun 00:45, 1 June 2009 (UTC)
- Looks like somebody has since been adding a bunch of quotations back to the page, including entire routines. Ugh. According to the Limits on Quotations guidelines, it should be a maximum of five quotes per page, and a maximum of 250 words per quote. Geezerbill (talk) 08:10, 25 March 2013 (UTC)
I added one on irony but it may be one of those internet things floating around so if someone knows that it is, feel free to correct or move it.
It is by carlin ~weaver
- As "weaver" said, the irony/abortion quote is indeed genuine Carlin, it's one of the opening lines from the album Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics. Also, I cleaned up the section. The use of bullets made it seem like the various statements on irony were all individual quotes, but they are really all part of the same piece from the book. Using a double bullet for the citation seemed kind of ugly to me, and the single bullet on the aformentioned abortion quote added to the confusion. - Ugliness Man 13:07, 2 June 2006 (UTC)
 Sources versus Attributed
The topic categorization is a bit premature is it not? Shouldn't this list be organized the way other pages are organized? Where the ones with a legitimate source are at the top, and those whom someone has merely attributed to him should be at the bottom, because we don't have any reference proving Carlin said it? Then, sourced quotes could be further broken down into categories by subject matter, but only after it has been confirmed Carlin actually said them. ZachsMind 21:07, 24 July 2005 (UTC)
Also, in hindsight, I find it rather peculiar that George Carlin's most famous and historically significant pronouncement of the "Seven Words You Can't Say On the Radio" in the particular order with which he presents them, is eerily absent from this collection. Are we unable to quote him in that regard due to concerns of obscenity? The words are used elsewhere on the page, just not altogether in his unique order. I don't know if Carlin himself would give a shit, (especially since he also once pointed out that one doesn't give a shit but does leave a shit) but it just seems incomplete to have a list of Carlin quotes without THAT particular one also in residence. It's like quoting from Abraham Lincoln several times and then neglecting the Gettysburg Address. ZachsMind 00:29, 9 August 2005 (UTC)
- I think the obscenity policy here is: "we're as obscene as the quotee": feel free to add that quote. Note that many people here probably don't even know who Carlin is, and didn't think to add the quote. ~ MosheZadka (Talk) 00:49, 9 August 2005 (UTC)
I've added the "cause chickens are decent people" quote after the abortion one. It's after it in the audio routine as well.
 Sourced and unsourced
I've split this article into "Sourced" and "Unsourced" to make the distinction that ZachsMind rightly called for in "Sources versus Attributed" above. (We've switched from "Attributed" to "Unsourced", in general, since then.)
The criteria I used for "Sourced" was a specific, dated, published source that can be verified. Citing a show or an album without the specific routine name requires someone who wishes to verify the material to watch the entire show or listen to the whole album, when it should be possible to cite the specific routine from which the quote comes. (In the case of news or talk shows like Real Time with Bill Maher, we might leave out a specific segment title if the guest is only on for a few minutes, implying a specific "George Carlin segment".)
Citing the routine without a published source (i.e., a show title or album) is equally unsatisfactory, as the reader must dig up which publication the routine was used in. (In general, we prefer the first occurrence, but any one is better than none.) For books, we should have at least a chapter, and preferably page numbers for specific editions. (Different editions usually have different page counts, so page numbers alone are often ambiguous.)
For websites, we need more than just the main website link. We need the specific page on which the quote appears, preferably with a page title and an access date. Websites are complex and very dynamic, so it's important to try to get the most specific information possible for them. Providing this makes it possible to track down where this material may have been moved in reorganizations, or where it might be found in historical references like the Internet Archive.
Ultimately, the key is to make it reasonably easy for readers to verify the quotes. I invite regular readers of this article to clean up the sourcing so quotes can be moved into the "Sourced" section. Thank you. ~ Jeff Q (talk) 09:59, 19 January 2007 (UTC)
- I am going to separate the "Sourced" quotes into their respective category i.e.: book, album, movie, etc. I will leave the unsourced quotes in their own section. This way, someone can recognize the unsourced quotes, source them properly, and move them to their correct section. (Antonio.sierra 00:47, 6 March 2007 (UTC))
i think this would go better under religion rather than under sports... what do you guys think? (22.214.171.124 06:27, 6 February 2007 (UTC))
Have you noticed that most of the quotes on this page are Steven Wright quotes that are falsely attributed to George Carlin? (126.96.36.199)
- If anyone knows any quote to be wrongly attributed to someone, and especially if they can provide a proper source, they are invited to provide that information, and to move or copy such quotes to the places that are perceived to be most appropriate. ~ Kalki 13:49, 27 Jul 2004 (UTC)
We need to either remove the unsourced section (not my idea) or add all the stuff back on to the Mitch Hedberg page that was removed by User:LrdChaos. Really, what is wikiquote's stance on sources for material? It seems quite inconsistent. /Timneu22 01:12, 30 March 2007 (UTC)
For that matter, what about "unsourced" quotes that later get sourced? I've been filling in some of the correct sources for some of the authentic quotes in the list below. Should we just remove these as they get sourced? Move them to the front page (so long as the maximum number of 4 quotes per album hasn't been reached)? Geezerbill (talk) 16:47, 9 September 2012 (UTC)
 Unsourced quotes
 Famous people
- Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
- George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
- If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, you should ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams.
- If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
- What year did Jesus think it was?
- From Brain Droppings
- Deep Throat: think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?
- Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
- Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
- This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out."
- Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
- In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
- Balance the stupid fucking budget!
- "Capital Punishment" (Back in Town)
- Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
- "Abortion" (Back in Town)
- I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, "This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me."
- New York Times, 1995-08-20
- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- Brain Droppings, p76
- Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
- I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
- I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- Here's a spiritual one [bumper sticker]: I've found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.
- "More Stuff on Cars & Driving", What am I Doing in New Jersey?
- The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- Brain Droppings, p77
- "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
- The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: you cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
- Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
- "Why We Don't Need Ten Commandments" (Complaints and Grievances)
- I can't wait until the Middle East really explodes. Ancient hatred and modern weapons. My kind of show, man!
- … This experiment, this magnificent experiment in democracy is just being shredded to pieces by these right-wing Christians, the Ashcroft branch of Republicanism. [They're] just shredding the rest of the Bill of Rights which hadn't been shredded already.
- Religion is like a lift in your shoe. If it helps you stand up straighter and walk a little better, good for you! But don't you go and try to put your lifts in my shoes, and for crying out loud, let's stop sending missionaries to Africa to nail the lifts to the natives' bare feet!
- Saturday Night Live, Premiere Episode
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Don't these professional Christians have something to do during the day? I mean, didn't Jesus leave instructions on how to plan your day? Something constructive? Didn't he kind of help people? Didn't he look out for the afflicted, to use half of A.J. Liebling's quote? Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable to complete it. It just seems that they get off on these tangents here. And, of course, the homosexuality and the reading of science fiction, such as the Bible, and giving it the standard of truth I mean, they it would be cartoonish if it weren‘t dangerous to some people.
- There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are 7 you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 … to 7. They must really be baaad. They must be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven … baaad words". That's what they told us, right? "That's a bad word!!" Awww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooords. You know the seven, don't you? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the words that'll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, wow! And tits doesn't even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. "Hey Tits, come here man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots". Sounds like a snack … oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don't mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n' Sesame Tits n' Cheese Tits … Tater Tits. Bet you can't eat just one!!
- Class Clown
- Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life; football begins in the fall, when everything is dying.
- Baseball is a 19th century pastoral game; football is a 20th century technological struggle.
- Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
- Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
- Boxing is not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the shit out of somebody isn't a sport, in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can become a sport.
- Don't you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?
- How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?
- Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it! Took me a long time to come up with that one, but by God, I thought of one.
- Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.
- If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
- It's never just a game when you're winning.
- Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
- You ever watch golf on television? It's like watching flies fuck.
- Running isn't a sport 'cause everybody can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run … you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?
- When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front-row seat.
- And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Pancake Institute, and it says "Fuck waffles".
- Source: Carlin on Campus
- I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- Somewhere in the world is the world's worst doctor. And what's truly terrifying is that someone has an appointment with him tomorrow morning.
- I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid fucking T-shirt!
- A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
- A Place for My Stuff!
- Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
- A Place for My Stuff!
- A day off is always more welcome when it's unexpected.
- Cancer research is a growth industry.
- Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
- Honk if your horn is broken.
- Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! "Would you look at this idiot? Take a look at this idiot right here, just creeping along … woah, look at that maniac go!"
- Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)
- Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
- Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say. He used to say "I'm going upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Well, he was an honest guy, you know? He wasn't going to bull-shit a 4 year old.
- I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
- Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
- Saliva is known to cause cancer. But only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
- I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
- I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
- Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
- Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy.
- On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw out the first ball. He throws it in. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it.
- The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
- Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums must be.
- A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
- As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
- If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
- Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
- The status quo always sucks.
- Fuck soccer moms.
- Fuck rational thinking.
- Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
- You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon – they all said, "Try to live together peacefully." Bam! Right in the fucking head! Apparently we're not ready for that. Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us. We're too busy thinking around, sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other.
- Pacifism is a nice idea, but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
- There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- Think off-center.
- Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
- When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
- I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
- I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
- I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff.
- I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- Brain Droppings
- I went to the Missing Persons Bureau, but no one was there.
- I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
- If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
- If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
- In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- "Meow" means "woof" in cat.
- Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- "No comment" is a comment.
- Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.
- People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did you there, buddy?
- "Ten Things That Piss Me Off"
- Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
- The best thing about living at the water's edge: you only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way, you can hear them splash.
- The difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs.
- The future will soon be a thing of the past.
- The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
- The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
- "Ten Things That Piss Me Off"
- The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
- There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one seems to know how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
- Tonight's Forecast: dark, it will be mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.
- Wanna help your kids? Leave them the fuck alone!!!
- I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
- One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
- When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.
- Why do people say "I'm going to take a shit"? … They don't take a shit, they leave one.
- God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
- If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. (Napalm and Silly Putty)
- If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
- 69 … 71, which is 69 with two fingers up your ass … 68, which is "You do me an' I'll owe you one." Women hear that one all the time!
- "Incomplete List of Impolite Words"
- I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
- Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat! 69 assholes tied in a knot! Hooray! Lizard shit! Fuck!
- You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick.
- As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
- Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cock-sucker from Guatemala."
- Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
- We have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words. We call them bad words, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, in poor taste, unseemly, street-talk, gutter-talk, locker room language, barrack talk, bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy, rude, crude, lewd, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off-color, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing and all I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits!
- Two heart attacks has changed my diet, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
- The kind of doorhandles which is recessed a little bit into the door and your fingers actually go in a little before they actually grab it. Don't you like that? I like that. That's why they're not going to make it anymore. They found out we liked that.
- Source: Carlin on Campus 1984 (23:45)
- No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo.
- Prayer: please let me find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.
- Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
- When ever you hit the brake in a car, you're putting your life in your feet's hands.
- If my teacher could have influenced my sexuality I would have turned out to be a nun.
- Quoted in New York, Vol. 11 (1978), p. 41
 Well done!
- Some of the sections are a little long (e.g. 15 substantial quotes from a one hour recording) but, yes, this is a well done article in most respects. ~ Ningauble (talk) 17:24, 28 January 2013 (UTC)
 Bogus quotation on "accumulating possessions"
One bogus quote I constantly see attributed to Carlin is "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body." The reason I'm claiming this as bogus is because 1) it doesn't sound like something he'd say, 2) he very rarely used similes like this in his act, and most importantly, 3) the quote doesn't show up at all on any of his albums, HBO specials, or books. As he said on his own website, #3 is a good indication of a bogus quote. Of course, we need a little more evidence before we can safely put it on the main page under the "Misatrributed" section. So does ANYBODY out there know who may have actually said it first? What the earliest reference to it is? Geezerbill (talk) 21:41, 7 March 2013 (UTC)
- It's not Carlin's, I think. That quote only seems to have become popular online after 2010. The earliest attribution to him that I could find is from 2006, in Mary Bray Pipher Writing to change the world, p. 12:
- The comedian George Carlin eloquently expressed it this way: "Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body."
- But, actually, a very similar quote can be found in Roger Corless The vision of Buddhism: the space under the tree (1990), p. 20:
- We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. But happiness is not something I have, it is something I myself want to be. Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over my body.
- He then goes on to talk about the Buddha... So, yes, I would agree with you that the quote is probably bogus. ~ Daniel Tomé (talk) 22:04, 7 March 2013 (UTC)
 An entire 1,000+ word routine is not a "quotation"
Some people keep trying to add full transcriptions of routines from Carlin's stand-up performances, or entire essays from his books. They get cleaned up now and then, only to be added back. I wouldn't call a routine that's over 1,000 words a "quotation"! According to the Limits on Quotations guidelines, for stand-up albums it should be a maximum of five quotes per page, and a maximum of 250 words per quote. For books, five lines for every ten pages, so there's some more leeway there. As a Carlin fan myself, I know how hard it is to narrow things down to only so many quotes per work. But the situation right now seems really out of hand. Geezerbill (talk) 09:39, 25 March 2013 (UTC)
- Earlier I also expressed my concerns about this. Now I have removed the remaining 10+ quotes over 250 words... instead of trimming them down. I hope that users put back their favorite sections as long as they don't exceed the 250 words. -- Mdd (talk) 11:29, 25 March 2013 (UTC)
Thank you, Mdd!! Is there maybe a different kind of warning that should be put on the main page, to hopefully remind more people of the limit? I know there's a "limits of quotation" banner, but apparently it's only meant to be used on the talk pages (and I put one at the top here). Geezerbill (talk) 21:44, 26 March 2013 (UTC)