I doubt this fits the qualification for stub anymore. -Very Slightly Concerned
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- At what age do you tell a highway it was adopted? I think seven, because that's about the time he starts to think, "I don't look like Kiwanis club."
- You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
- Now, I'm not an impressionist, but I do have this character voice I've been working on I call "The Guy Who's *WAY* Too Into the 'Garfield' Movie". (clears throat, begins to speak effeminately) Oh, my GOD! Have you seen the GARFIELD movie? It's HI-LARIOUS! He wears SUNGLASSES! And then there's this part where he eats all this LASAGNA! Of course, Odie's up to HIS old tricks! (normal voice) Like I said, just something I'm working on.
- You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
- You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.
- My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
- I was at an Arby's today and I thought to myself, "Oh shit, I should be taking someone's order!"
- Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"
- Reality shows are big now, Survivor , Temptation Island, The Mole. I want to make a show with three racist white people that live in the South Bronx. It will be called ...Cracker Hunt.
- I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
- This country is fucking dumb, why are people takin' this… people with this Bush administration all this shit going on, there should be a revolution happening… I would lead it but I just bought a hammock.
- I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
- My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
- I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."
- There was a 15 year old boy who had an affair with his teacher, he died 3 months later...from too many high fives.
At the piano
- Whenever my Asian roommate walks in the door, I play this. [plays a very stereotypical chinese tune] And she says "Zach, why do you do that every time I come in the room?" and I say "Because I don't have a gong."
- I'm taking an acting class online; it's easy.
- My name is Zach Galifianakis, and growing up my Dad had a saying for our last name: "it begins with a 'Gal' and ends in a Kiss". I'd be like that's great dad but can we get it changed to "GalifianaFUCK please?".
- One time, I stuck an altoid in my butthole. [pause] That's it.
- How come girls can say, 'I'm going to go to brunch with my girlfriend', and no one assumes anything, but when I say, 'My boyfriend and I are going shopping for fanny packs', everyone thinks I'm a gay? - that's right, A gay.
- My New Year's resolution was to stop saying "you go girl" to myself.
- You know what I like to do when I'm making out with a woman? I like to whisper in her ear, "Would you like to touch my vagina?"... and she's like "WHAT!?!" and I'm like...[whispering] "That's what you're supposed to say."
- For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.
- Three years ago my sister was diagnosed with multiple personality syndrome...and there's nothing funny about that. but the other day she phoned me, and my caller I.D. exploded.
- I wonder if deaf people have a sign for "talk to the hand."
- I really want to leave New York City, but I just put 6,000 dollars on my Metrocard.
- You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name. And you've never been to that bar before.
- I'm greek and I have sinus problems and I know why. My body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke. It's just a fact...allow me to open up.
- Have you ever been so drunk you wet the bed? Not even sleeping, just standing over, pissing on it?
- I want to start an all-boy Country trio, and call it The Chixie Dicks.
- I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night. So I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, "Who's the boss now?"
- Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realized you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone...and then said "I'll take it!"
- I like to go to really bad movies in their fourth week, when there's no one but me and one other person in the theatre, and I like to sit right next to them. And they're like "excuse me," and I'm like "Shhh...I can't hear Keanu."
- Sometimes, I like to glue my spare change to my face. Then, when a homeless person comes up to me and asks "Do you have any spare change?" I get to say "Sorry, it's glued to my face."
- Sometimes, I like to read the bible in public and yell out, "Oh Bullshit!"
Written jokes while Zach is silent
- I look like a fat Jesus, Not Phat Jesus
- My dream is to move to India, or Pakistan. And become a cab driver.
- I have horrible luck with women.......and it's all my fault.
- Hookers don't like to snuggle.
- A girl I was dating once told me on the phone, "Can you hold? There's a telemarketer on the other line."
- My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.
- Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
- I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock
- I call my balls the Bush Twins
- I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's ok to say, 'I have diarrhea,' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.
- (After being asked if he was classically trained) I'm classically trained... just not in piano.
- This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying "Seacrest, out!" after I ejaculate.
- I told my neighbor I was going to be on the Conan O'Brien Show, and he was like, "Yeah, right." I said, "No, I am." He goes, "So do something only you and I would understand." *looks into camera and stops playing piano* I know you stole my rake.
- You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"
- I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
- When you look like me it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese. Especially if you have a sketch pad.
- The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
- Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
- I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
- I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
- I'm working on a screenplay. It's called "Schindler's List 2: Let's Get this Party Started".
- Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
- Katie Holmes called my beard for advice.
- I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".
- I wanna open up a cross-dresser store, and call it "Susan B. Anthony".
- With a name like Smuckers, it has to be God.
- My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I tried to tell my brother that joke but he kept getting distracted by a squirrel.
- The president's dog's name is Mizz Beasley. I can't believe the president's dog and my penis have the same name.
- Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.
- I tried to put some ecstasy in some Diet Snapple.
- I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
- Am I the only one tired of this Ben Franklin motherfucker? Electricity? What the fuck is he talking about?
- I like to go into really hip record stores and ask for CDs of bands that have never existed. "Uh, ya, do you have the new Boogerstash?"
- Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing."
- Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
- I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".
- My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
To Patton Oswalt (Patton vs. Alcohol vs. Zach vs. Patton)
- Finally, a funny joke.
- Hold on everyone, a tortoise just passed out.
- No one cares about your riffs, your bits. You're so drunk...these are mannequins, Goddammit.
- Well I just wish I was in a really cool show like "King of Queens." Really artistic and avant-garde like "King of Queens."
- My dream was always to be in "Blade 3."
- I would just like to request something; it's this bit you used to do called "The Ending."
- Patton: Do you get cheers for your jokes? No you don't.
- Zach: Yeah, that's because I haven't been doing stuff from 1985.
- So when you go and snatch that gravy up from the customers, you'll be prepared.
"Sometimes you have to reach around and ya know tug at it." - Seth Galifianakis