Torchwood

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Torchwood (2006–) is a BBC sci-fi drama, and a spinoff of Doctor Who created by Russell T. Davies. The show is based around a fictional secret organisation who monitor and fight aliens around the city of Cardiff. The show stars John Barrowman as the leader Captain Jack Harkness, Eve Myles as former policewoman Gwen Cooper, Burn Gorman as resident medic Owen Harper, Naoko Mori as scientist and technician Toshiko Sato and Gareth David-Lloyd as Ianto Jones, the support for the team (coffee boy).

Series 1 opening narration: Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on Earth, arming the human race against the future. The twenty-first century is when everything changes. And you've got to be ready.
Series 2 opening narration: Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st century is when everything changes. And Torchwood is ready.
Series 4 opening sequence: One day ... no one dies. Next day ... no one dies. And the next, and the next, and the next ...
WORLD POPULATION: 6,928,198,254 [number increases before fading]

Contents

Series 1 [edit]

Everything Changes [1.1] [edit]

Jack: There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.
Gwen: But those people, last night - the people in the car, who are they? What's Torchwood?
PC Andy: I dunno. Special Ops?
Gwen: Yeah, but what does that mean?
PC Andy:I'll bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a meat kebab!
Jack: Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?
Owen: Er, yeah, that would be me. Sorry, I’m a twat.
Jack: This is Owen Harper.
Owen: Doctor Owen Harper.
Jack: And this is Ianto Jones [Ianto nods] Ianto cleans up after us, gets us everywhere on time.
Ianto : I try my best.
Jack: And he looks good in a suit.
Ianto: Careful, that's harassment, sir.
Gwen: But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?
Jack: That is so Welsh.
Gwen: What is?
Jack: I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

Day One [1.2] [edit]

Jack: All right, usual formation.
Gwen: What's the usual formation?
Owen: Varies.
Gwen: How can the usual formation vary?
Gwen: ...Special Ops! I'm Special Ops...I'm with Torchwood.
Soldier: Don't mess with me, little girl. You're not with Torchwood. And even if you were-
Jack: -You'd have put out the welcome banners. Now, first of all, she's no little girl. From where I'm standing, all the right curves in all the right places...but she is Torchwood, we both are, and we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work. [holds hand out to Gwen] Shall we?
Owen: Make yourself useful, sweetheart; pass us the big chisel from the toolbox.
Gwen: Not sweetheart, Gwen. One syllable, sure you can manage it.
Owen: Not sweetcheeks? Freckles? New girl?
Gwen: [getting out chisel] It's a shame your tool's not big enough for the job, darlin'. Catch!
[at a scene where a man, Matt, has just been vaporised after having sex with the alien-possessed Carys]
Gwen: He just...
Jack: [deadpan] Came and went.
Owen: Now that's how I'd like to go.
Tosh: I'm sure we could arrange it.
[Gwen is trying to convince Jack to tell Matt's parents of Matt's death]
Jack: What am I supposed to tell them? That their son died SCREWING some chick?
[Gwen and Carys are kissing passionately in Carys' cell, while Owen watches.]
Owen: Happy birthday me. Oi, you lot, treat!
[Jack and Tosh come over to see]
Tosh: Wow.
Jack: Wow.
Tosh: I thought she said she had a boyfriend.
Jack: You people and your quaint little categories.
Tosh: We should really get her out of there...
Jack: Yeah... [pauses] I mean, yeah, come on!
[Jack leaves to the cells with Tosh]
Owen: I'll just... record a bit of this.
Gwen: Well, actually, um, we were sort of, well, snogging...
Owen and Jack: WE KNOW.
Gwen: So what's this supposed to do?
Jack: I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.
Tosh: He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.
Jack: Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!
[The team discuss Jack]
Gwen: You don't know anything?
Owen: Not who he is, not where he's from, not anything. Except... him being gay.
Gwen: No he's not. Really, do you think?
Toshiko: Owen does, I don't.
Ianto: And I don't care.
Owen: Period military is not the dress code of a straight man.
Gwen: I think it suits him. Sort of classic.
Toshiko: Exactly! I've watched him in action, he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough.
Gwen: We know he's from America, right?
Owen: Don't even know that for sure.
Toshiko: No US citizen by the name of Jack Harkness born in the last fifty years.
Gwen: Maybe his identity's classified.
Ianto: Used to be something big in the CIA, that's what I reckon.
Gwen: He must have his reasons for wanting to keep things secret.
Owen: Sure he has. Doesn't stop me from wanting to know. (Gwen hears Carys crying and walks to the screen in amazement)
Gwen: What are we doing, having Chinese while a girl fights for her life? We should be helping her.
Jack: Actually, while we've been eating, the computers have been running a full bio-scan on Carys, profiling her blood, metabolism, organs, the works. So we can see what effect the alien is having on her. They've also been taking samples of the air in the cell, so we can analyse any change in the environment around her. Now, is that enough? Do you want more? 'Cause... gets kind of boring.
Gwen: You've been hidden down here too long. Spending so much time with the alien stuff. You've lost what it means to be human.
Jack: So remind us. Tell me what it means to be human in the twenty-first century.
[After finding Owen in the cell naked]
Tosh: Jack, Carys is out of her cell!
Owen: Cheeky bitch took my swipe card.
Jack: I'll deal with it. Tell Owen he needs to work on those abs a bit harder.
Owen: I was taking some readings, you know, keeping an eye on her, and bang!
Tosh: You got away lightly. Be thankful she was only interested your swipe card.
Gwen: Are you alright now, or are you still feeling a bit of a cock?
[After finding Carys' ex as nothing more than a pile of dust]
Jack: Tosh was right - she went straight for the ex-boyfriend. Lucky she's young; work your way through my back catalogue, we'll be here till the Sun explodes.
Ianto: Need me to do any attacking, sir?
Ianto: It's narrowed the numbers down, I could check through the rest. You know, the old fashioned way. With my eyes.
[Owen is demonstrating what will eventually happen if the alien host stays in Carys for too long]
Owen: Preasure mounts in the brain, the lungs collapse (making breathing impossible) and then-
[the rat explodes violently]
Owen: Rat jam.
Jack: Tosh get a body of similar height and age. Disfigure the face slightly. Dump it in the river to make it look like a suicide. (he walks down the ramp)
Gwen: (leaning over the bar to talk to him, in a shocked voice) You have a stash of bodies?

Ghost Machine [1.3] [edit]

Jack: This kid, Bernie. Where does he live?
Tosh: Splott.
Owen: Splott?!
Ianto: I believe estate agents pronounce it "Sploe".
Bernie: [To Owen after a chase] Don't hurt me, I've got asthma!
Owen: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm gonna bloody kill you!
Owen: Why should you get away with it? You said you were sorry, said you didn't want to hurt her, but you didn't STOP! What if I didn't stop? Would I be sorry?
Gwen: Owen, no...
Tosh: (to Bernie's mom) Hi, is Bernie in?
Bernie's Mom: (smoking a fag whilst dressed in PJ's) Freinds of his are ya?
Tosh: (looks at Gwen uncertainly) Yes...
Bernie's Mom: (looks Tosh and Gwen up and down) Well, he's a robbing little bastard who's not setting foot in this house till he pays me the thirty quid he ows me (slams the door in their faces)

going round other places he was sited

Barman: He's bared!
Lad: Said he'd give me an IPod and he never. And he smoked my fags!
Shop Woman: Wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire!

Tosh, Owen, Gwen and Ianto talking about Bernie

Gwen: Bernie Harris the Scarlett Pimpernell of Splott! (Owen walks over) Did you get anything?
Owen: No but I did get four pasties for a pound!
Tosh: (as Jack walks over) We did try Jack!

Cyberwoman [1.4] [edit]

Tosh: All I'm saying is that once in a while I'd like to drive.
Owen: Yeah, and all I'm saying is no.
Tosh: Why not?
Owen: Look I've shared cars with women before, I know what'll happen, there's an emergency, all raring to go, I jump in, what do I find? Seat's in the wrong position, rear view mirrors out of line, steering wheel's in my crotch. By time I've sorted all that out, aliens will've taken Newport!
Gwen: What about a rota? Different people on different days?
Jack: We're a secret organization hunting alien technology from an underground base, and you want a rota for who drives.
Gwen: ...Just trying to help.
Ianto: I'm going back in to save her. Anybody tries to stop me, I'll shoot them.
Gwen: Ianto, put the gun down.
Jack: You make a threat like that, you better be prepared to follow it through. See? You disobey me now, I really will shoot you.
Ianto: Get off me.
Jack: You want to go back in there? You go in to finish the job. If she's still alive, you execute her.
Ianto: No way.
Jack: You brought this down on us. You hid her. You hid yourself from us. Now it's time for you to stand as part of the team.
Gwen: Jack.
Jack: The girl you loved has gone. Your loyalty is to us now.
Ianto: You can't order me to do that.
Jack: You execute her, or I'll execute you both!
Ianto: I won't do it. You can't make me. You like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all.
Gwen: What the hell was that?
Owen: What?
Gwen: Snoggin' me.
Owen: Last kiss for the condemned man.. Embarrassing given we haven't been killed.. What? It's not like I fancy you or anything!
Gwen: I was on top of you. I could feel your hard-on.
Owen: Yeah. Well. You didn't exactly struggle, did ya?
Jack: Ianto? I need to hear those beautiful Welsh vowels!
Ianto: I'm not giving up on her. I love her. Can you understand that, Jack? Haven't you ever loved anyone?
Jack: You need to figure out who's side you're on here, because if you don't know, you're not gonna make it out of this alive.
Ianto: You could have saved her! You're worse than anything locked up down there. One day I'll have the chance to save you and I'll watch you suffer and die.

Small Worlds [1.5] [edit]

Jack: You shouldn't be here.
Ianto: Neither should you.
Jack: What you got?
Ianto: Funny sort of weather patterns.
[talking about his former love, Estelle's, visions of fairies]
Jack: She calls them fairies; I don't.
Gwen: What do you call them?
Jack: Never really had a proper name.
Gwen: Why not?
Jack: Something from the dawn of time, how could you possibly put a name to that?
Gwen: Are we talking alien?
Jack: Worse.
Gwen: How come?
Jack: Because they're part of us. Part of our world, yet we know nothing about them. So we pretend to know what they look like. We see them as happy, we imagine they have tiny little wings and are bathed in moonlight.
Gwen: But they're not?
Jack: No. Think dangerous. Think something you can only half-see, like a glimpse, like something out of the corner of your eye. With a touch of myth, a touch of the spirit world, a touch of reality all jumbled together, old moments and memories that are frozen in amongst it. Like debris, spinning around a ring planet, tossing, turning, whirling... backwards and forwards through time.
Ianto: I blame it on magic mushrooms.
Jack: What you do in private is none of our business.

Countrycide [1.6] [edit]

Owen: I hate the countryside. It's dirty, it's unhygienic. And what is that smell?
Gwen: That would be fresh grass.
Owen: It's disgusting.
Ianto: You're used to this, aren't you? That facial expression you all share. When things get a bit, out of control. Like you enjoy it. Like you get a high from the danger.
Toshiko: You want me to apologise for that?
Ianto: Don't you ever wonder how long you can survive before you go mad, or get killed, or lose a loved one?
Toshiko: It's worth the risk, to protect people!
Ianto: And who protects us?!
Toshiko: God, I'm hungry.
Ianto: You should've had that cheeseburger.
Toshiko: Not that hungry.
Jack: No other race in the universe goes camping. Celebrate your uniqueness!
Owen: [while cleaning Gwen's shotgun wound] There's going to be a certain amount of residue, so just lie back and think of Torchwood.
Toshiko:[Talking about a tent] Need any help getting it up Owen?
Owen: If I did, I wouldn't ask you.
Jack: you need to know something. A long time ago, I was pretty good at torture. I had quite a reputation as the go-to guy. My job demanded, at the time, see. So I know where to apply the tiniest amount of pressure to a wound like yours...
Cannibal: stop, you're going to kill me!
Jack: it's in your power to make me stop. Just tell me what I need to know! 'Cause in ten seconds, I'm going to find a sharp object.

Greeks Bearing Gifts [1.7] [edit]

Jack: Once, just once, I’d like to walk into one of these tents and find it’s a party, with food, and drink, and dancing; a girl crying in the corner.
Owen: I started looking into devil worship and stuff from that era [the 1800s], see if there's anything about plucking out hearts, and would you believe it, there's nothing! They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals, but they did not pluck out each others' hearts, because obviously, that would have been weird.
Ianto: [Thinking] Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt. [Out loud] I’m about to brew some of Jack’s industrial strength coffee. Would you like a cup?
Tosh: I’m … fine, thanks Ianto.
Jack: My guess is you're not from around these parts.

They Keep Killing Suzie [1.8] [edit]

Owen: If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.
Jack: That's just the humans.
Gwen: Wait a minute, I've taken retcon.
Jack: Then better stay away from sharp objects.
Jack: Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?
Ianto: Two thousand and eight.
Owen: Hey, what if they all become psychotic?
Tosh: Do you have to sound so happy?
Owen: Yeah, I'm just saying, Mean Streets!
Owen: [re: the Resurrection Gauntlet.] You know, we never gave it a cool name.
Tosh: I thought we just called it "the Resurrection Gauntlet".
Owen: Cool name.
Ianto: What about... the Risen Mitten?
[Jack raises his eyebrows and Owen rolls his eyes despairingly.]
Ianto: I think it's catchy.
Jack: We've been talking to the wrong corpse.
Owen: [re: the life knife] Ianto?
Ianto: [deadpan] Life knife.
Owen: Give Ianto a stopwatch, and he's happy.
Ianto: It's the button on the top.
Jack: [stunning Max] That one's for Ianto. Risen Mitten, Life Knife, and that old classic...Stun Gun.
Suzie: “Captain, my Captain.” Do you want to know a secret? There’s something moving in the dark and it's coming, Jack Harkness. It’s coming for you.


Ianto: [to Jack] If you're interested, I've still got that stopwatch.
Jack: So?
Ianto: Think about it, lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.
Jack: Oh yeah, I can think of a few.
Ianto: There's quite a list.
Jack: I'll send the others home early, see you in my office in ten.
Ianto: That's ten minutes... and counting.
[Jack starts to walk away]
Ianto: Oh, Jack? What do you want me to say on the death certificate?
Jack: Good question.
Ianto: She had quite a few deaths in the end.
Jack: I don't know. 'Death by Torchwood'.
Ianto: I'll put a lock on the door. Just in case she goes walking again.
Jack: Nah. No chance of that. The Resurrection days are over, thank God.
Ianto: Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir. They come in pairs.

Random Shoes [1.9] [edit]

Eugene: [Opening narration] The speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second. Pain travels through the body at 350 feet per second. Even a sneeze can reach a hundred miles per hour. And as for life? Well... that just bloody whizzes by.
Gwen: What was [Eugene] doing out on that road?
Owen: Oh fuck knows. Categorising chevrons? He was a geek.
Gwen: I just feel... like there's something going on...
Owen: Marvellous. Thank you for that Disney moment.
Eugene: The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits. Of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes, loft insulation and random shoes. It's dead ordinary and truly, truly amazing. What you've got to realize is, it's all here, now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole. Because take it from me: life just whizzes by, and then, all of a sudden, it's—

Out of Time [1.10] [edit]

Diana Holmes: How did it do that?
Ianto Jones: It's automatic. It knows you're there.
Diana Holmes: But how?
Ianto Jones: There are wave-bouncing detectors which emit high-frequency radio waves and then they throw reflections -
[Diana examines the automatic doors than looks into the store]
Diana Holmes: Bananas...!
Ianto: Of course bananas are far more interesting.
Emma: How much food money do I have left?
Ianto: £15.40.
[Emma immediately grabs various confectionery items]
Ianto: £12.10. You'll ruin your teeth.
Emma: You sound like my mum.
[John Ellis picks up a copy of a magazine with a woman in her underwear on the front]
John: Good God!
Ianto: Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-clad celebrities.
John: There are children around!
Ianto: She's a children's TV presenter.
[John replaces the magazine with a shocked expression]
Gwen: Emma's parents are a bit religious.
Rhys: Oh, er...Better not tell them you saw my morning glory then,eh!

Combat [1.11] [edit]

[At a scene where a man has been killed by a weevil, The Crazy Frog Ringtone sounds]
Tosh: Is that his...?
Jack: You don't think I would choose that ringtone.
[Owens phone rings]
Owen: This is Owen's voicemail, don't leave a message.
Jack: Nice try, Owen, I want you back at the hub immediately.
Jack: Okay Janet [the Weevil], time for a trip out.
Tosh: You call it Janet?
Jack: Barbara just never seemed right.

Captain Jack Harkness [1.12] [edit]

Jack: I went to war when I was a boy. I was with my best friend. We got caught crossing the border over enemy lines. They tortured him, not me, because he was weaker. They made me watch him die. And they let me go.
Captain Jack Harkness: Who were they?
Jack: The worst possible creatures you can imagine. I persuaded him to join up. I said it would be an adventure. He hadn't lived.
Captain Jack Harkness: Have any of us?
Ianto: Jack needs me!
Owen: In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams, when you're his part time shag maybe.

End of Days [1.13] [edit]

Jack: You're a united front now. Toshiko would shag any alien who gave her a pendant. Owen, so strong he stepped into the cage with a weevil waiting to get mauled. Ianto, you kept your cyber girlfriend in the basement. Don't you remember your three comrades gunning her down?
Gwen: Jack, calm down, I just need to save Rhys.
Jack: yeah, 'cause you're so in love with Rhys you spend half your time in Owen's bed. (Gwen punches him)
Jack: Under any other circumstances, an exuberant Roman soldier would be my idea of a perfect morning.
Jack: [About Abaddon] Abaddon is the bringer of death, let's see how he goes with me. If he feeds on life, then I'm an all-you-can-eat buffet!
Gwen: So, what sort of vision did you have? We all saw people we loved, asking us to open the Rift. Who did you see?
Jack: Nothing. I didn't see anyone.
Gwen: Jack? What visions would have tempted you?
Jack: [sighs] The right kind of Doctor.
[Jack gets up and walks out of the room. He walks through the Hub, then stops. He walks across the room, staring at something. He bends over with a wide grin on his face in front of the hand in the jar. The hand is bubbling and glowing. The sound of a TARDIS materialising fills the room and blows paper around. Jack grins and runs offscreen (later continuing to Utopia). Gwen walks in as we hear the TARDIS start to dematerialise.]
Gwen: Jack!
[The TARDIS noise fades away as the others walk in and notice the mess]
Owen: I thought we tidied up in here.
Gwen: Did any of you see Jack on your way in?
Ianto: No. Why?
Gwen: [Arms folded, she turns to face the direction the noise came from] Something's taken him. Jack's gone.

Series 2 [edit]

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang [2.1] [edit]

Gwen: Excuse me, have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car?
[Old Woman points in the direction in which Torchwood are heading]
Gwen: [serious] Thank you. [driving away]
Old Woman: Bloody Torchwood.
[Jack's vortex manipulator beeps]
Ianto: Woah, that never beeps.
Jack: That's what I was thinking.
Captain John Hart: [as a hologram, sarcastically] Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!
John: Did I mention I'm armed?
[John has skulled half a bottle of vodka]
Jack: So, how was rehab?
John: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and ...?
John: Murder.
Jack: [laughs] You went to murder rehab?
John: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: [jokingly worried] You clean now?
John: [deadpan] Yeah, kicked everything, living like a priest.
Jack: You have to go, I don't want you on my territory.
John: What? Time was you couldn't get enough of me on your territory.
John: Ooh, you've got a team. How sweet.[looks at Tosh] Pretty friend. No blonde, though, you need a blonde.
Owen: God, he's worse than Jack.
John: Do you have a team name? I love team names. Go on!
Jack: Torchwood.
John: Oh, not Excalibur? Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.
Jack: [After introducing the team] Meet
John: Captain John Hart.
Jack: We go back.
John: Excuse me, we more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
John: In every way. And then some.
John: It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
John: You were the wife...
Jack: No, you were the wife...
John: Oh, but I was a good wife!
Tosh: I bet you were! [Gets a look off Owen] What, don't pretend you haven't noticed...he's cute.
John: You're just shy.
Jack: Oh yeah, I love that office-y feel. I always get excited in these places. To me they're exotic. Office romances... Photocopying your butt, well maybe not your butt, although whilst we're here why don't we photo-
Ianto: The rift was active at these coordinates, approximately 200 feet above ground. That means this floor or the roof.
Jack: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto: All the better for having you back, Sir.
Jack: Can we drop the 'Sir' now? I mean, while I was away, I was thinking, maybe we could...You know, when this is all done...Dinner, a movie...?
Ianto: Are you asking me out on a date?
Jack: Interested?
Ianto: [stuttering] Well, as long as it's not in an office...Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.
Jack: Looks like we're going to have to go through every drawer, bin and plant-pot.
Ianto: Right, OK. I'll do this floor, don't want you getting over excited. You take the roof, you're good on roofs.
[Pause. Jack starts to leave]
Ianto: Jack? Why are we helping him?
Jack: He's a reminder of my past, I want him gone.
[Beat]
Jack: By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto: Yes, yes...
John: [lustfully] Oh, that's gorgeous.
Gwen: That's a poodle.
John: S'Nice!
John: Oh, by the way, I found Gray.
[Jack stands in shocked silence]
Gwen Cooper: Can you deal with the body when it's cold?
Ianto Jones: My pleasure, unless you'll be making sushi.
Gwen Cooper: You left us, Jack!
Captain Jack Harkness: [sigh] I know, I'm sorry.
Gwen Cooper: We knew nothing, Jack!
Toshiko Sato: Where were you?
Captain Jack Harkness: [smiles] I found my Doctor.
Owen Harper: Did he fix you?
Captain Jack Harkness: What's to fix? You don't mess with this level of perfection.
Ianto Jones: [softly] Are you going back to him?
Captain Jack Harkness: I came back for you.

Sleeper [2.2] [edit]

Ianto: 'Just us. In this room. As long as it takes.' Terrifying.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: [nods] Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: Well, it passed.
[Jack grunts in mock frustration]
Ianto: We don't sniff the sub-etheric resonator!
Toshiko: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time you used it?
Jack: That was different. And that species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto: Oh, right, their heads must explode all the time.
[Gwen looks up, wide-eyed in shock]
Gwen: Jack, you can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.
Jack: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.
Toshiko: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or at the first sign of explodiinggg. [grimaces and mimes a seizure].
Jack: [Snaps and points at Ianto] Hey!
Beth: Will it hurt?
Jack: Yeah.
Beth: Your bedside manners are rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious, apparently, so I've heard.
Ianto: Oh they are. I remember this one time...
[Jack clears his throat]
Ianto: She knows more about this place than I do. [Slams fist] Nobody knows more than I do!
Tosh: No I can't just hook something up! The entire telephone network is down!
Owen: What about a mobile connection?
Tosh: [annoyed] The entire. Telephone. Network. Is down!
Ianto: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string - everything, absolutely everything! No phones, phones all broken. [mimics telephone] Hello? Anyone there? [normal] No, 'cause the phones aren't working!
Owen: How'd you know that?
Ianto: I know everything! And it says so on the bottom of the screen.
Jack: Have faith, with a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?
Ianto: He is dashing, you have to give him that.
Owen: And what if they can't stop it?
Tosh: They'll stop it.
Owen:Yeah, but if they can't?
Ianto: Then it's...all over.
Owen: [after a pause] Let's all have sex.
Ianto: [deadpan] And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.
Toshiko Sato: [hacking into a military database] Come on, guys, that wasn't even difficult. You disappoint me.
Ianto Jones: It's almost obscene what you do to security systems.

To the Last Man [2.3] [edit]

Gwen: She's going out with a frozen soldier from 1918.
Jack: Nobody's perfect.
Tommy: [ruefully] "The war to end all wars", they said... then three weeks later you had the Second World War. After all that...
Jack:[draws a line on a piece of paper] Linear time [balls the piece of paper up] Screwed up time. Try drawing a straight line on that without flattening it out.
Jack: This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918.
Ianto: In his own time. [pause] Would you go back to yours, if you could?
Jack: Why? Would you miss me?
Ianto: Yep.
Jack: I left home a long time ago, I don't know where I really belong. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.
Ianto: [perches on the edge of Jack's desk] I know you get lonely.
Jack: Going home wouldn't fix that. Being here, I've seen things I never dreamt I'd see, loved people people I never would have know if I'd stayed where I was. [looks directly at Ianto] And I wouldn't change that for the world.
[Ianto kisses Jack]

Meat [2.4] [edit]

[Radio advert plays while Rhys is driving]
Rhys: [Singing along] Who'd you trust to transport your goods? Harwoods! You won't be sorry with a Harwoods lorry!
Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
Jack: Yeah.
Gwen: What was it like?
Jack: Well, he seemed to enjoy it.
Ianto: Pizza's arrived – thought it would be another late night.
Owen: What did you get?
Ianto: The usual. Meat feast.
Owen: Lovely.
Owen: So the protein chains are regenerating despite the mutilations, so not only is it replenishing its own flesh, but it's increasing it, giving them a brand new meat supply.
Gwen: It would last them for years, then.
Toshiko: If we understood how worked, we could feed the world!
Ianto: We could release a single.
Rhys: Well if you stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showin' off...
Jack (aside): Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: ...You'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy! So rather than "cock things up", I found you a way to get in! But if you can't handle that, big boy, then you can stuff it!
[Beat]
Jack: This is quite homoerotic.
Jack: If we go in there, guns blazing-
Owen: I wasn't suggesting blazing. Just waving.
Jack: [talking about the alien] We're going to save it. Stabilize it, wait for the rift to open, and, fwooh, send it back.
Ianto: ...And guess who'll have to look after it in the meantime?

Adam [2.5] [edit]

[Owen has just given Tosh a toy rodent]
Tosh: Just what I need, a rodent watching me while I work. I think I'll call it Owen.
Adam: You always remember what you kill, don't you, Jack?
[team discusses the mysterious box]
Ianto: I think Jack brought that in.
Tosh: No, I'm pretty sure Adam found it on an excavation a few months back.
Ianto: I'll have a look in the diary. I like to log the interesting stuff.
Tosh: You write about artifacts in your diary?
Ianto: Among other things. [winks]
Jack: Now I have to help you all go back. Find a memory that defines you, rediscover who you are. If I'm wrong, he will still be here when we’ve done this. [turns off computer screen] Let me take you back to before we all met. [turns off lights] Feel around for anything that makes you what you are. The hidden and the forgotten. Tell me where you are.
Gwen: College canteen. Rhys is sitting opposite me telling stupid jokes.
[Flashback] - :Rhys: where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Where you left it!
Owen: It’s my birthday, ten. My mum spends the whole day screaming, ‘I love you because you’re my son but that doesn’t mean I have to like you.’
Tosh: Maths club. There’s something so reliable about maths. Always the right answer.
Ianto: Meeting Lisa. Falling in love. I never felt so alive.
Owen: Turned sixteen, she packs my bags. That is the nicest thing you’ve done for me in years mother.
Gwen: Kissing in the supermarket. The look on his face.
Tosh: My first flat. I don’t have a flat warming – there’s no one I want to invite.
Ianto: Losing Lisa. Like the world had ended.
Gwen: The way he looks at me sometimes, as if he's scared of what he feels for me. I love him [turns to Jack] but not in the way I love you.
Jack: [to Gwen] Take this [Gwen takes the retcon pill]
Tosh: Knowing there has to be more to life than this, knowing I’m special, waiting for someone to see it.
Jack: I saw it [gives her a pill]
Owen: You save one life, a hundred lives but it’s never enough. Who will save me?
Jack: I will [gives him a pill]
Ianto: Coming here, it gave me meaning again. [Turns to Jack] You. [Jack kisses his forehead then gives him a pill]
Jack: [to everyone] You each have a short-term amnesia pill. It will make you forget Adam. We have to wipe out the last 48 hours from our memories. Go back to who we were.
[Ianto takes his pill]
[Cut to Adam in his cell]
[Gwen takes her pill]
[Cut to Adam in his cell]
[Owen takes his pill]
Tosh: [Switches the screen on to look at Adam in his cell] I’m going to lose so much.
Jack: None of it was real.
Tosh: He loved me and I loved him. It’s no different from real memories.
Jack: He forced it on you. You have to let it go
Tosh: [Takes her pill, then looks at the screen] Goodbye Adam.
Jack: Oh, by the way, I found your diary.
Ianto: Ah, yes, I've been looking for that. [starts to walk away]
Jack: And for the record, measuring tapes never lie.
Ianto: [quietly] Fuck.

Reset [2.6] [edit]

Ianto: Jack? Your V.I.P guest is here.
Gwen: I didn't know we were expecting anyone. [The rest of the team turn towards the entrance to the Hub]
[Jack runs towards the door to the hub as it opens revealing Martha Jones dressed in a suit with a bag over her arm]
Jack: On a dark night in Cardiff, I hear the song of a nightingale.
Martha: Jack's right. These attacks are not random. They're clinical, professional. More like assassinations.
Gwen: Except Barry Leonard was a student. Who'd assassinate a student?
Martha: Student loans company?
Gwen: Yeah, I think you just cracked it.
[They both laugh.]
Martha: So, Jack asked me if I could get you a UNIT cap to wear.
Ianto: Did he? Well, red is my colour.
Martha: So, am I right in thinking that you and he...
Ianto: We... dabble.
Martha: Yeah?
Ianto: Yeah.
Martha: So what's his "dabbling" like?
Ianto: Innovative.
Martha: Really!
Ianto: Bordering on the avant-garde.
Martha: Wow.
Ianto: Oh yeah. [He smiles a little distantly]
Tosh: Ianto, what have you done with Billy Davis's body?
Ianto: Um, I was just about to dispose of it, why?
Tosh: I thought of a way we can use him to get us into the Pharm. [Shows something on screen] Clever, huh?
Ianto: Oh, you are warped on the inside. How do you think of these things?
Tosh: I'll take that as a compliment.
Gwen: Oh, um, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I get a bit confused, which one's UNIT?
Jack: Intelligence. Millitary. Cute red caps. Acceptable face of intelligence gathering on aliens. We're more ad hoc, but better looking. [emphasis on "better looking" directed at Martha]
Jack: "Tosh, any luck with retrieving those medical records?
Tosh: Not yet. I'm going to have to dig down into the system memory and see if I can find any remnants of deleted or temporary files. Completely illegal, of course. [smiles a bit ]

Dead Man Walking [2.7] [edit]

Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers
Owen: [supposedly telling Martha what death is like] There was a light, a tiny speck of light and I was rushing towards it, like down a corridor, and it got brighter, and brighter, then suddenly there were these gates... these big, pearly gates and there was this old geezer and he said, "You've been a very naughty boy!"
Jack: Only in suffering do we realize beauty.
Owen: Yeah, yeah. Who said that?
Jack: Proust.
Owen: You've read Proust?
Jack: Yeah. [pause] Well, no. We dated for a while. He was really immature.
Owen: [talking to a child cancer patient] Jamie, you're scared, of course you are, the last lot of chemo didn't work and you can't bear the thought of going through all that pain again, I understand that mate, I really do. But let me tell you, that not everyone dies from this disease. And the ones with the best chance of making it are the ones who believe they can beat death. And sometimes, just sometimes, you can. So watch and learn, Jamie Burton.
Jamie: Watch what?
Owen: Watch me beat Death.
Tosh: [finally picking the lock on a door] Come on!
Owen: Okay, go, come on, Jamie, [to Tosh] take him!
Tosh: Owen? I am not leaving you to face that thing on your own!
Owen: I know what to do.
Tosh: We don't know what we're dealing with!
Owen: Tosh... [kisses Tosh] you're so going to hate me for this. [uses the lock-picking device to shut himself in the lobby]
Tosh: Owen, no, open the door! What the hell are you doing? Owen!
Owen: [to Death] How long!? How long can you last here with only twelve victims? There's nothing here for you! Owen Harper's soul has left the building! There's nobody here but us dead men. [starts fighting Death to the protestations of his team] What else have you got? What else do you do to the dead? Is that all you've got? Is it?!? [Death eventually fades away in a white light]

A Day in the Death [2.8] [edit]

Owen: [Opening narration] My name is Doctor Owen Harper, and this is my life. A life that is full of action. And violence. And work and wonder. Secrets. And sex. And love. And heartbreak. Death. My death. The death I survived. The death I'm now living through. Except.... this isn't living. Every day is the same. I get up. Get ready for work. Same as everyone else. The thing is, I'm not the same. I get to work and everyone is doing the same old thing. Babbling away about aliens, weddings. I'm not real. Three days ago I died. And they think I'm fine. But they're wrong.
Owen: Yeah, I was brought back. Like Jesus really, but without the beard, you know. Shit, I'm never gonna have a beard. Not that I wanted one, you understand, but you know, one day I...
Maggie: Okay, you're dead, and clearly that's a bit shit, and I'm sorry and everything, but if, if you are dead, then why are you here? You can't be wanting to jump, you can't die twice!
Owen: Sorry, are you an expert?
Maggie: Sorry, are you an idiot?
Owen: Yeah, I'm a dead idiot.
Farrington: What are you?
Owen: I'm broken. I'm Dr Owen Harper. And I'm having one hell of a day
Maggie: So she offers to help you and you push her away. Charming.
Owen: Yeah, hole in the chest. Sorry if I don't follow social niceties any more.
Maggie: You mean you did before?
Owen: God, you're a pain in the arse, aren't you?
Martha: There is no sign of any muscle decay. You're in great shape, as ever.
Owen: No use coming onto me, Jones. I'm a changed man.
Martha: And no stiffening anywhere?
Owen: Well...
Martha: Just answer the question
Owen: [to Jack about him trying to drown himself] You were watching?
Jack: Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water? I was taking pictures!
Ianto: I always loved Tintin.
Owen: Yeah, well you would, wouldn't you? And he never had a girlfriend, did he? Just the dog, so I reckon he was actually shagging the dog.
[Beat]
Gwen: Meanwhile, back at Torchwood...

Something Borrowed [2.9] [edit]

Gwen: We're not postponing the wedding. No way.
Rhys: Forget the money, I want you where they can look after you, right? Getting married today doesn't matter.
Gwen: It matters to me!! It's not about the money, Rhys. I want to marry you! Today. Whatever happens. If the skies suddenly fills full of spaceships, or an army of Weevils climbs out of the drains on St. Mary's Street, you fool! Do you not understand what I'm saying, Rhys Williams? All I want to do today is marry you. That's all I want to do.
Brenda Williams: The problem seems to be an American with no sense of timing or fashion.
Owen: It's a kind of alien egg. But don't worry, I'm going to look after you, I promise. We've got procedures for this situation.
Gwen: You mean, this has happened before?
Jack: You've heard of immaculate conception, haven't you? Well...
Banana Boat: [hitting on Toshiko] I'm Banana. [points to loud yellow cravat] Suppose you can tell why.
Toshiko: You come up in spots and go soft quickly?
Banana Boat: Actually, I'm the best man.
Toshiko: Evolution is full of surprises.
Banana Boat: So do you fancy a little drink later?
Toshiko: I'm sorry. I'm intolerant to vasoactive amines.
Banana Boat: Huh?
Toshiko: Bananas make me vomit.
[Ianto is checking out wedding dresses]
Tailor: Can I help you?
Ianto: I'm looking for a wedding dress for my friend.
Tailor: Of course you are, sir. You'd be surprised, we're quite used to men buying for their... "friends".
Jack: [looking through a dress catalogue] Nope, like that one. Good choice.
Ianto: I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor; he could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold.
Jack: Ah, a family eye. Remind me to test it some time.
Ianto: Well, if later on-
Owen: [walking through the threshold] Jack!
Ianto: Yep, brilliant, like that one.
Gwen: [talking about getting married] It'll happen for you one day, Tosh. There's always Owen.
Tosh: I don't think so. "In sickness and in health, 'til death do us part". It's gonna sound like a bad joke.
Jack: [pointing gun at Brenda] Get back, you ugly bitch!
Rhys: What are you doing, that's my mother!
Jack: No! It's the alien!
Brenda Williams: I'm not an alien!
Jack: Oh, you're good, I'll give you that.
Brenda Williams: But I'm not!
Jack: Yeah, and the Lone Ranger didn't have a thing with Tonto.
Jack: You sure you're ready for this, Owen? You know what a Nostrovite can do; you think you've got it covered a hundred feet away, and it's already chewing on you liver.
Owen: I don't need my liver.
Jack: What's is it with you? Ever since Owen died, all you've done is agree with him!
Ianto: I was brought up not to speak ill of the dead. Even if they do still do most of their talking for themselves.
Owen: [about Gwen] That's the kind of daughter every mother must dream of. Cool as ice, packing an automatic.
Gwen: What will you do while I'm gone?
Jack: Ooh, the usual. Pizza, Ianto, save the world a couple of times.
Ianto: That's what I love about Torchwood. By day, you're chasing the scum of the universe, come midnight you're the wedding fairy.

From Out of the Rain [2.10] [edit]

Jack: Ianto, with me. I need your local knowledge.
Gwen: Oh, is that what you're calling it these days?
[Talking about old film footage of a travelling show]
Tosh: I don't believe this Jack. What were you doing there?
Owen: He's part of this freak show.
Jack: Some things never change.
Owen: You being rude about me?

Adrift [2.11] [edit]

Gwen: Torchwood doesn't do maternity leave - "Sorry Jack, I'd love to deal with those aliens but I can't find a babysitter", "No, no, no, I'll sort out that bomb once I've dropped Rhys Jr. off at nursery."
Gwen: Do you think I've changed?
Rhys: Eh?
Gwen: Since I joined Torchwood, am I different?
Rhys: Why?
Gwen: It's just something Andy said. Okay, let me just tell you this one thing, okay?
Rhys: Okay, go on.
Gwen: He still fancies me. (Rhys snickers) Don't laugh, Rhys. That's why he didn't come to the wedding.
Rhys: Bloody hell, poor sod.
Gwen: Oi! I'm a very sexy lady and you are a very lucky man. Just remember that, okay? (unzips jacket)
Rhys: We're not going to talk about kids tonight, are we?
Gwen: We could so some practising
PC Andy: How's Rhys? Other than hungry.
Rhys: You save this city. Well done. You save the world. Whatever. What for?
Gwen: Sorry?
Rhys: Why are you doing it? What are you trying to protect? What are you fighting for?
Gwen: Because if I don't...
Rhys: Shut up, I'm talking now, right? You do it so people can live their lives. And there's nothing more important than that. Falling in love, getting married, buying flats, having kids or not. But real life, that's what you're protecting. And if you're starting to think that your shit is more important than real life, then we're not going to last very long here, love.
Gwen: So, is that it, then? We just sweep it under the carpet?
Owen: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Gwen: Oh, bollocks to serenity!
Owen: For a lovely girl, you've got a very dirty mouth.
[After walking in on Jack and Ianto in the hot house]
Gwen: Ianto, hi. I'm sorry. I didn't realize—
Ianto: Doesn't matter.
Gwen: I wouldn't have come in if I'd known—
Jack: Always room for one more. We could have used you an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek.
Ianto: He cheats. He always cheats

Fragments [2.12] [edit]

Tosh: Who are you?
Jack: Nobody. I don't exist... and for a man of my charisma, that's quite an achievement.
Little Girl: He's coming, the one you're looking for. The century will turn twice before you find each other again.
Jack: Ooh. Are you for real? You mean I have to wait a hundred years to find him? What'll I do in the meantime?
Jack: Silent types? That's okay. I used to date a guy with no mouth. Surprisingly creative.
Emily: The Torchwood Institute was created to combat the threat posed by the Doctor and other phantasmagoria.
Jack: (laughs) He's not a threat. The Doctor's the one who will save you from your phantasma-hoogits.
Jack: Hey, when you joked about the Millennium Bug, I didn't realise it was gonna have 18 legs stacked with poison. Anyone home? Hey! You know you're supposed to party like it's... (stops and sees his dead crew, then a man) Alex?
Alex: Jack! Just in time.
Jack: Alex? What happened? Who did this?
Alex: Me.
Jack: What? Why?
Alex: We got it wrong, Jack. We thought we could control the stuff we found. And what's it brought us? So much death.
Jack: What happened to them?
Alex: It's good you're here. Always did have great timing. This place, it's yours. Torchwood Three. My gift to you, Jack, for a century of service as field operative. Fill this place with purpose. Before it's too late. Please.
Jack: Alex, listen. It's going to be okay.
Alex: No. It's not. It's really not. I looked inside. It showed me what's coming. They were mercy killings. It's the kindest thing I could do. So none of us see the storm. I'm sorry I can't do the same for you. 21st century, Jack. Everything's gonna change. And we're not ready. (gun to forehead)
Jack: Alex!
Intercom: This is a UNIT facility. Your rights as a citizen have been withdrawn. You will be held here indefinitely. We are not required to provide you with legal representation. Anything you say will be recorded. You will be allowed no communication with any person or organization outside this facility. There is no right of appeal. If you fail to comply with the rules we are authorized to discipline you.
Jack: And you are?
Ianto: Jones, Ianto Jones.
Jack: Nice to meet you Jones Ianto Jones.
Jack: Thanks for the assistance.
Ianto: Any time. By the way, love the coat!
[Talking about the pterodactyl]
Jack: Quite excitable!
Ianto: Must be your aftershave.
Jack: I never wear any.
Ianto: You smell like that naturally?
Jack: Fifty first century pheromones, you people have no idea!
Ianto: Like a butler! I could be a butler!
Jack: We don't need a butler.
Ianto: Excuse me, dried egg on your collar!
Jack: It was a busy week!
Katie: It's like being lost in a place you know really well, you can't get your bearings. Sometimes it comes back to you. and sometimes, I'm sorry, Owen.
Owen: What've you got to be sorry for?
Katie: I don't want to put you through this. Last night, I dreamt that you left me.
Owen: Come on. Nobody's leaving anyone.
Ianto (trying to catch a pterodactyl): I've got a secret weapon. Chocolate. Preferably dark.
Ianto: What exactly is your plan?
Jack: I'm gonna be the decoy.
Ianto: And it won't rip you to shreds?
Jack: Dinosaurs? Had them for breakfast. Had to. Only source of food protein after the asteroid crashed. Long story.
Jack: Come back with me. I've got somewhere nice and big where you can fly around.
Ianto: So you'll let the pterodactyl in and not me?!
Jack: I need a guard dog.
Ianto: I could be that!
Owen: If you're not a figment of my imagination, then I don't know what's happening anymore. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like.
Jack: You're fine. It's the rest of the world that's delusional.
John: Here's what's going to happen: everything you love, everything you treasure, will die. I'm gonna tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness, piece by piece. Starting now.

Exit Wounds [2.13] [edit]

PC Andy: Rhys! What are you doing here?! It's a crime scene!
Gwen: Oh come on, Andy, Rhys won't blab.
Rhys: Excuse me! I've kept loads of secrets!
PC Andy: Like what?
Rhys: Like a Time Agency based in Cardiff!
Gwen: It's not based in Cardiff.
PC Andy: Brilliant secret. I ask, you tell. Well done.
[Jack enters the Hub. "I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper" is playing in the background.]
John: Come on! Sing along! It's our song!
Jack: We don't have a song! And if we did have a song, it wouldn't be this song!
John: [deadpan] You're no fun!
Jack: What do you want?
John: I want you to know that I love you.
Jack: Funny way of showing it.
John: No, seriously. You have to understand. [turns around] I really do love you.
[John pulls out two submachine guns and shoots Jack repeatedly. John stands over his "corpse".]
John: 'Cause this is gonna get nasty.
John: You took your time!
Gwen: On your knees!
John: [sigh] Honestly, it's just sex, sex, sex, with you people.
Gwen: Now!
[Owen is trapped in a room and is about to be vaporised]
Owen: [hysterical] Tosh! Toshiko, I can't get out! Not like this! I'm not dying here! Get me out of here Tosh, get me out of here, I died once and I'm not doing it again! Where's Jack? Where's Gwen, Ianto, John?!? You wanna watch the dead man die again?!
Tosh: Owen, just stay calm.
Owen: Why should I do that? Where's the fun in that? I'm gonna rage my way to oblivion!
Tosh: [upset, quietly] Please stop.
Owen: Why? Give me good bloody reason why I should, one good reason why I shouldn't keep screaming!
Tosh: [crying] Because you're breaking my heart!
Owen: [calms down] Sorry.
Tosh: [still crying, harder] It's my fault.
Owen: No, no no it isn't, no it isn't, don't you dare go there Tosh, I'm really sorry. [pause] What's gonna happen to me Tosh?
Tosh: [whisper] I can't.
Owen: Please, okay, I need to know.
Tosh: [not crying but barely able to get the words out] The containment chamber will be flooded with irradiated coolant.
Owen: Ah, my body will slowly decompose, while I watch.
Tosh: [crying] I should have been able to stop it!
Owen: Sshh, come on Tosh, there's no way you could have anticipated that power spike, come on. Besides you've saved my back so many times in the past, right from the moment I joined.
Tosh: Your second week, I had to cover for you, pretend I was a medic because you were hung over and unreachable.
Owen: [weak laugh] What was it, space pig?
Tosh: Space pig.
Owen: We never did get that date did we, you and me? We sort of, uh, missed each other, was my fault, didn't notice until it was too late, I'm sorry.
Tosh: [weakly, crying] Me too.
Owen: [alarms sound] It's starting.
Tosh: [whisper] Owen.
Owen: It's all right; really Tosh, it's all right. [last words] Oh god.
Tosh: [on video] Okay. So, if you're seeing this, I guess it means I'm, well, dead. Hope it was impressive! Not crossing the road or an 'incident' with a toaster. I just wanted to say, it's okay, it really is. Jack, you saved me. You showed me all the wonders of the universe and all those possibilities. And I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Thank you. And Owen. You never knew. I love you. All of you. And.... I hope I did good.
Jack: Now we carry on.
Gwen: I don't think I can. Not after this.
Jack: You can. We all can. The end is where we start from.

Series 3: Children of Earth [edit]

Day 1 [edit]

Gwen: Alright Glyn? What's occurring?
Glyn: Been watching the Bay, no sea monsters yet.
Gwen: Ah, still early!
Ianto: Heh, he thought we were a couple, he said 'You two', the way he said it 'You two'.
Jack: Well we are, does it matter?
Gwen: Who's back?
Jack: What's he doing?
Ianto: Waiting, just like you said. He's been there 20 minutes.
Jack: Persistent.
Ianto: Good sign.
Jack: Dogmatic.
Ianto: Always a plus.
Gwen: Oh, Christ, never work with a couple, you two talk like twins!
Gwen: [mockingly] Oh my God, Severn Bridge. I'm going into England. Farewell forever.
Rhys: [mock-concerned] Good luck. Have you got currency?
Gwen: Yes, and I've had my injections.
Rhiannon: Susan on the corner was in town and it was her anniversary so they went to that posh french place in town by the memorial and there was you.
Ianto: So...
Rhiannon: There was you...having dinner...with a man.
Ianto: So?
Rhiannon: Having dinner with a man...in a restaurant.
Ianto: So you have dinner with Tina.
Rhiannon: Not in town. Susan said he was gorgeous. Like a film star. Like an escort.
Ianto: He's my boss.
Rhiannon: She said it was intimate. I said well he's had girlfriends, and she said, well no girl was getting her feet around that table. No chance! Have you gone bender?
Ianto: [looks at Misha] Misha's hearing this.
Rhiannon: She's not bothered. Her friend Shan's got two mothers. [pauses] Go on? [longer pause] You never tell me anything these days. Dad died that was it. You were off-you couldn't wait. Like I did something wrong. I didn't. Did I?
Ianto: [shaking his head] It's not that. It's my job. It's... difficult. It's...[closes his eyes for a second and opens them again] He is very handsome.
Rhiannon: No?
Ianto: Now stop it.
Rhiannon: You're kidding me? Really though? Really? Christ all mighty! [pause] He's nice though, is he? Is he? Oh my...I mean, since when?
Ianto: It's weird. It's just different. It's not men. It's...it's just him. It's only him. And I don't even know what it is really, so...so I'm not broadcasting it.
Jack: Ianto! We're having a baby.
Ianto: Congratulations. Is now a good time to tell you I lost the car?
Jack: You did what?!

Day Two [edit]

PC Andy: If she's anti-terrorist, I would not mind being Uncle Terrorist.
PC Andy: She shot the wheels. What kind of "terrorist" shoots your wheels, hm?
Johnson: A clever one.
Rhys: I don't question your advice on how to fight aliens and you don't question my knowledge of the haulage industry.
[While travelling to London, in a truck, on top of a cargo of potatoes, Rhys has just found out that Gwen is pregnant:]
Rhys: This changes everything.
Gwen: No. No, it doesn't. We're up the same creek and we still need a paddle.
Rhys: Yeah! But three of us in a boat.

Day Three [edit]

Ianto: Do you ever think that one day your luck'll run out? That you won't come back?
Jack: I'm a fixed point in time and space. That's what the Doctor says. I think that means it's forever.
Ianto: So, one day you'll see me die... of old age... and just keep going?
Jack: Yeah...
Ianto: We'd better make the most of it then.
Jack: Suppose...
Ianto: Like right now?
Jack: Ianto, the world could be ending.
Ianto: World's always ending. And I have missed that coat.
Jack: Rhys, do you want to take the car down to those shops by the Wharf? We need some discs for these things. Should take about 20 minutes.
Ianto: [quickly] Thirty.
Jack: 30 minutes.
Rhys: I'll go later; the beans are almost done.
Jack: Beans are almost done.
Ianto: Bloody beans.
Clem: And who's the queer?
Ianto: Oi! [beat] It's not 1965 anymore.
Clem: He's queer. I can smell it.
Rhys: Took me a while to get used to those things [the filming contacts].
Ianto: [shoots Rhys a questioning glance] What? You've used the lenses?
Rhys: Yeah. That's why Gwen had 'em.
Gwen: I only took them home for a bit of fun.
Ianto: Fun?
Rhys: You know. Fun.
Ianto: [realising] Yeah, well; been there done that. It is fun.

Day Four [edit]

Gwen: You get to shoot first, and ask questions later. How good is that?
Ianto: I've only just scraped the surface, haven't I?
Jack: Ianto, that's all there is.
Ianto: No. You pretend that's all there is.
Ianto: [holds up gun] If there's a virus, there must be an anti-virus. Release it now, or I'll blow a hole in that tank, and we'll all die together.
Jack: [Joins Ianto, holds up his gun at the tank] You've made your point now stop this and we can talk!
456: You are dying. Even now.
[Jack and Ianto shoot at the tank, screaming noise is heard]
Jack: What's that noise? What's it doing? We gotta get you out of here. I can survive anything, but you can't!
Ianto: It's too late. I've breathed the air.
Jack: [desperate, begins crying] There's gotta be something, there's gotta be an antidote!
456: You said you would fight.
Jack: Then I take it back, alright? I take it all back, but not him!
[Ianto falls to the ground, and is caught by Jack. He lies in his arms]
Jack: No! No, no, no, no, no. Ianto? No, no, no...
Jack: It's all my fault.
Ianto: No it's not...
Jack: Don't speak, save your breath.
Ianto: [crying] I love you.
Jack: [shakes head] Don't. Ianto? Ianto? Ianto, stay with me, Ianto, stay with me please. [shakes, desperate] Stay with me, stay with me.
Ianto: Hey, it was...Good, yeah?
Jack: Yeah.
Ianto: Don't forget me.
Jack: [shakes head] Never could.
Ianto: In a thousand years time, you won't remember me.
Jack: Yes I will Ianto. I promise, I will.
Jack: Ianto? Ianto? Don't go, don't leave me, please. Please, don't--
456: You will die. And tomorrow, your people will deliver the children.
Jack: [Jack looks up at the 456, the picture of tragedy: he has tears running down his face and is clutching Ianto’s body. He places a gentle kiss on Ianto’s lips and falls beside him.]

Day Five [edit]

Gwen: There's one thing I always wanted to ask Jack. Back in the old days. I wanted to know about that Doctor of his. The man who appears out of nowhere and saves the world; except sometimes he doesn't. All those times in history where there was no sign of him … I wanted to know why not. But I don't need to ask anymore. I know the answer now: Sometimes the Doctor must look at this planet and turn away in shame. I'm recording this in case anyone ever finds it, so you can see. You can see how the world ended.

Series 4: Miracle Day [edit]

The New World [4.1] [edit]

Reporter: Six A.M. is the appointed time of death as laid down by the state of Kentucky. Oswald Danes faces his last moments on this earth. Members of the public have gathered outside the Montrose Hill State Penitentiary, but the planned protests against the death sentence have failed to appear. Which isn't surprising given the nature of the offense. A former schoolteacher, convicted in 2006 of the rape and murder of twelve-year-old Suzie Cabena, Danes will be remembered for his infamous line of defense. Upon his arrest, he told the police, "She should have run faster."
Dr. Juarez: First I knew, they called up from the morgue. They were laughing. They said, "What's happening up there? You on strike?" Turns out, no one had died. Twenty-four hours since this hospital had a death. Not one. Not from old age, not from injury, not from sickness. All day long.
Esther: Could be just a coincidence, I suppose.
Dr. Juarez: That's what I said, yeah. Then I was on a call to St. Jude's in Chicago. They said, "Well, here's a funny thing. Past twenty-four hours, we've registered no deaths." Not one. So I called my ex-husband - he's at Cedar Brook - same story. All day, no deaths. I tried London. I have this friend at the Royal Free Hospital. I called her. She said, "Oh, that's weird. It's the same thing over here." Twenty-four hours, no one's died. What do you think of that, hm? One lucky day.
Esther: Torchwood, that wasn't a virus. It's gotta be some sort of malware.
Noah: It's like nothing I've ever seen. The word "Torchwood" has vanished. It's been eradicated. If you search for "Torchwood," you get no results. Nothing gets no results.
Esther: There's gotta be something on paper.
Noah: Shelves are buried. It's all gone. I asked Yvonne. She said it was classified under the 456 regulations. She said you want to stay away.
Esther: Why?
Noah: They all died. So the story goes, anyone that worked for Torchwood was killed in action. And they died young.
Jack: The Torchwood Institute was set up by the British Royal Family in 1879 to defend the realm of Great Britain by investigating the unusual, the strange. And the alien.
Esther: I'm kind of guessing alien doesn't mean foreign.
Jack: Alien. As in extraterrestrial.
Rhys: This is different now. You've got a daughter.
Gwen: So much for tying him up.
Rhys: I've never tied up a person!
Gwen: "Men are good at knots." How many times have you told me that?
Rhys: At Christmas!

[having been attacked by a sniper in a helicopter]

Rex Matheson: Wales is insane!

Rendition [4.2] [edit]

Jack: The amazing thing about the miracle is not that no one's dying, it's not that the human race has become immortal. It's that it happened to everyone at the same time. Don't you see? It was instantaneous and that's a morphic event on a scale that I have never seen before. So whatever's happening to this planet, it is massive!
Rex: Dr. Juarez. You have something that I want.
Dr. Juarez: You sound like my ex-husband.
Rex: So, does he call wanting drugs and sex?
Dr. Juarez: Yes.
Rex: Good man, but for now, I'll just settle for the drugs.
Jack: Water? I'm American, too! Can't I contribute to our global cultural hegemony with a nice frosty cola?!
Jilly: There's a good reason the churches are empty. People don't want to hear about Heaven. They'd rather hear from the man who has gazed into Hell itself, and that's you. Frankly I think if the Devil himself were to walk this earth, he'd need representation.
Danes: If the Devil himself walked this earth, he'd surely be working in PR.

[after Lyn knocks the antidote to Jack's poison out of Gwen's hand]

Gwen: That was your last chance.
Lyn: Yeah? And what're you gonna do about it? If you're the best England's got to offer, then God help you.
Gwen: I'm Welsh. [punches her]
Jim: It's the story of Tithonus. One of the Greek goddesses asks Zeus to make Tithonus immortal, but she forgot to ask for eternal youth. He became so ancient and decrepit that he eventually shrank into a cicada. He begged for death.

This is no miracle. This just, this just means that sooner or later we're all going to hell.

Gwen: What sort of getaway car is this? I thought you Americans all had these big SUVs. This is rubbish!

[after seeing Lyn's body with her head twisted around 180 degrees]

Esther: What was that? Was that Lyn? What the hell is going on?
Gwen: Welcome to Torchwood.

Dead of Night [4.3] [edit]

Gwen: This lemonade. This lemonade's flat.
Esther: It's lemonade. It's supposed to be flat.
Gwen: What? Fizzy, fizzy lemonade?
Esther: It's fizzy in the UK and flat in the US.
Gwen: Hmm. Just about sums it up.
Esther: He cockblocked the ATF.
Gwen: [laughs] I have no idea what any of that means.
Rex: Are we really on a mission here?
Gwen: Yeah, well, maybe this is the way Torchwood does things, mate.
Rex: Yeah, well, maybe you want to drive on the other side of the street, mate.
Gwen: [beat] Oh.
Rex: Alright, so do you want to come up with a plan? Or is that just the American thing to do?
Cop: [after punching Oswald] Don't you worry, sir. Nothing on your face. You'll still be nice and handsome for the TV. Should have run faster, Oswald.
Jack: I was thinking. About how you're immortal. And I'm dying. And what I wanted to say was... we're good aren't we? You and I? Good team. I missed you.
Gwen: I was thinking that, ah, if this had happened a bit sooner...
Jack: I know.
Gwen: He'd still be here, Ianto.
Jack: Dead friends.
Gwen: I'm sorry.
Jack: I wish he was here now. Not much of a team, is it? But we've still got each other. You and me. Just like the old days.
Rhys: [on video phone] Can you see me? I can see you. Can you see me?
Gwen: Yes, I can see you. A little too much of you. Put up the baby!
Jack: I saw you on television, saying you feel forgiven for taking the life of a child. That's a lie. I know that's a lie.
Danes: How do you know that, Jack, with such certainty?
Jack: Tell the truth! The murder of Susie Cabena. You don't feel sorry at all.
Oswald: I felt her life leave, and she left through me. You know that feeling. I think you do. And I relive it, every single night, because that was the best moment of my life.
Jack: Now I understand. You're doing all this because you're searching for one thing. One simple thing. Execution. We're without death, so you get to live. And it's killing you.
Oswald: I'm asking you now to join with me, in this enterprise, as we all walk across the fragile skin of this wide world together. The future is now endless. And it's terrifying, I'm offering you my hand to walk on this long journey. Together. Walk with me. That's all I ask. Walk with me.

Escape to L.A. [4.4] [edit]

Gwen: Anyway, so how's my little girl?
Rhys: Don't call me that, Gwen.
Gwen: Very funny.
Gwen: Just get my dad out, Rhys, and I'll phone you tonight.
Rhys: It's already tonight!
Jack: Our greatest problem is that what's happened to the world is invisible. Quite by chance Oswald's found himself right at the heart of it. George Elliot wrote this chapter in Middlemarch. She said that if you take a piece of metal with random scratches all over it and hold a flame up to the metal, the scratches look like they're forming patterns. Circling around the light. And that Oswald. He's blazin' away. The patterns are starting to revolve around him. And all we have to do is keep watching.
Oswald: How much do you know about our masters at Phicorp? Because I did a little searching of my own last night. It's been a long long time since I was allowed online, so...I tried to find out who's above Phicorp. Who owns them. But the strangest thing happened. The information just scattered away. All sorts of names and tangents and diversions, but nothing tangible. And that's when I recognized the pattern. Because I've had a lot of experience perfecting how to hide myself online. And suddenly, I'm looking at someone else doing the same. But on a massive scale. Worldwide. I wonder why.
Rex Sr.: What did you come here for, Rex? Tell me that. What the hell did you come here for?
Rex: I got hurt, Dad. I got hurt bad.
Rex Sr.: So what? I been dying down here for fifteen years. You never once cared.
Jack: [after Gwen tries an American accent] You're so never doing that accent again.
Oswald: There are people out there who are preaching all sorts of dangerous lies about you. And who is out there talking on your behalf? Hmm? I'm here to tell you, I will. I promise, I will. Because you need help.
Jilly: Dr. Juarez!
Dr. Juarez: This is disgusting.
Jilly: [thrilled] I know!
Triangle Voice: Mrs. Monroe. We'd like to apologize. We're really very sorry about this. Indeed we'd like to imagine if time and tides had flown in a different way, we could have almost been friends. I hope that's some consolation. At the end. Truth of it is, we liked your message, Mrs. Monroe. We liked your style. But we already have Oswald Danes. We don't need another. And certain aspects of your strategy were revealing our hand just a little too soon. And we have been planning this so carefully for such a long time. Because we are everywhere. We are always. We are no one. And soon, the families will rise.
Gwen: They've got my dad, Jack. They've got my dad.

The Categories of Life [4.5] [edit]

Rex: Dr. Juarez. I was right. I knew you'd call me back.
Dr. Juarez: Oh, I'm doing a lot more than that. I'm joining the cause. Whatever you're doing to fight this miracle, count me in. They just took control of life and death.
Newscaster: Under the Emergency Miracle Law, anybody designated as category one or category two must be taken to the new overflow camps. The scheme is already underway in the United Kingdom with the Prime Minister calling this a new age of care and compassion.
Gwen: All the things I fought with Torchwood. And what stops me? Red tape.
Esther: Do you think I'm useless?
Jack: No. I think you're new to all this.
Esther: Yeah, but I'm CIA.
Jack: So's Rex. But he's just pretending. And that's the big secret, Esther. At times like these, the game goes to the person who speaks with the loudest voice. But pretty much everyone just wishes their mother was here.
Rex: Vera, this is Jack Harkness.
Jack: We keep meeting. It's like destiny.
Rex: Yeah. He likes to call himself Captain Jack, but I'm not buying it.
Jack: I'm going with you. I don't know, I could be your... assistant.
Esther: We told you, not a chance. That assassin said that you're too connected. And besides, you're too fragile, Mortal Man. [she kisses him on the cheek]
Jack: All I get is a kiss?
Esther: You look after yourself. You're unique. You're Category Jack.
Rhys: Just like the old days.
Gwen: No it's not. It's worse. It only ever gets worse.
Colin Maloney: This is my first tour but I think we might get some important people wanting to visit, you know? We got a line on Hilary I'm feeling really good about.
Dr. Juarez: Hillary Clinton?
Colin Maloney: Duff. Hilary Duff.
Colin Maloney: Okay, take the car. I'll walk back. You didn't see anything, okay?
Ralph: Colin, you've just got to stop and think. This is murder.
Colin Maloney: No it can't be. Don't you get that? It's a brand new world, Ralph. A world without death. Which means there is no murder.
Oswald: Jack Harkness. I could accuse you of having an obsession with me.
Jack: What happens after this, Oswald? When the fever dies down and the world wakes up to the fact that a murderer's standing center stage? Somewhere out there those men are waiting for you in the dark.
Jack: End the miracle. And you can die. You're cursed with intelligence. Clever enough to know who you are. And wise enough to want it to end. You help me and I promise I will help you to die.
Oswald: The truth is I know what I am. I know what you are too. Yes, I do. Each and every one of you. Because I know for certain what has happened to the human race. I know, because this has happened before. Fifty thousand years BC. What's called the great leap forward. Human beings suddenly, we started to bury our dead. We created art and money. And love. They loved. They learned to love. We made a leap from animal to human. And now, right now, in our very own lifetimes it has happened again. The next great leap. We have made it from animal to human to what? This is the question. After Miracle Day, what are we now? I know. This is something I know. Because I am the man who has lost Heaven forever. So I can feel the truth of it. I'm telling you, man has risen again! Now, he has a new name. And his name is Angel. Angel. Angel. We are angels. We have been helped. We have been purified. We have been given life unending. We are the first angels on Earth. And I promise you this, there are even those who have been planning for this. The agents of angels in this brand new world. I'm telling you right now, they stand amongst us. Yes! For this is my revelation!
Gwen: That's what the modules are. They're ovens. They're burning them. The patients They're burning them alive.

The Middle Men [4.6] [edit]

Stewart: What did you find?
Zheng: A dead end.
Stewart: What do you mean? What are they building?
Zheng: There's nothing there. I looked. I found nothing. Nothing at all. Goodbye, Mr. Owens. [jumps from the forty-fifth floor of a building to his death]
Rex: My name is Rex Matheson. I'm with the CIA. I'm on an operation inside the San Pedro Overflow. No, strike that. I'm not with the CIA. Or a US government authority. I'm with Torchwood. And we're gonna expose everything that's going on here. Everything that I've just witnessed. [...] They're calling them category one's, and from what I've seen, don't ever let them call you that. The minute you hear "category one," you better get the hell out of Dodge. Because they are going to burn you. That's what this place is for. Incineration. And we all know the drill. They'll start with the category ones. The ones who can't protest. Then they'll go on to convicted felons or illegal immigrants—hell, anyone we just don't like. Because everybody gets sick. Which means one day everybody ends up here. Those ovens are waiting for all of us.
Gwen: They move the category ones at 6am. They take them to the module—
Dr. Patel: Sorry. Not my department.
Gwen: Really? Is that so? Well do you even know what your department is, Dr. Patel? Do you even know what really happens here? Do you know what happens in the module?
Dr. Patel: Like I said, I'm rather busy.
Gwen: They burn people. They burn living people.
Dr. Patel: Category Ones are dead. That's the law. Under the emergency rulings for the sake of public health, category ones can be incinerated en masse.
Gwen: Well I'm glad you've got the law on your side.
Maitre’d: Love the vintage coat.
Jack: Thanks. Maybe the three of us should have dinner sometime.
Stewart: It's not me you're after. In fact I've been trying to find out the truth just as much as you. I'm not a bad man, Mr. Harkness.
Jack: Captain.
Stewart: I'm not a bad man, Captain. I'm not a good one either. I'm a middle man in every sense of the word.
Jack: So that means everyone's to blame. Everyone and no one.
Stewart: Whoever's behind this, they don't show themselves. Not to me, not to you. But to play the system like this—the markets, the politics, industry—they had to be planning this for a very long time. I wish I knew who they were.
Stewart: There was a document from Italy, from a source inside the Council of Ministers. A contact then-deceased. It simply referred to the Blessing. It said, "They have found The Blessing."
Ralph: Someone's breached the compound, someone with a camera.
Colin Maloney: [panicked, in denial] No, no, no. Nothing's going wrong. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Ralph: He wants to talk to whoever's in charge.
Colin Maloney: No, he doesn't. No, no, no, he doesn't.
Rex: They built ovens. And you're the director. So you know that.
Colin Maloney: I'm not in charge of policy. We had instructions that got sent out nationwide—worldwide—and we had orders from above not to say anything. I just did as I was told.
Rex: Okay. All right. Okay, you're the middle man. I get it.
Gwen: You watching?
Jack: I'm here. And I've opened up the radio link. Make your message.
Gwen: This is the truth for the whole world to see. We let our government build concentration camps. They built ovens for people in our names. Now I don't care if the whole of society bends over and takes this like a dog. I'm saying, No. [she blows the complex]
Jack: That's my girl.
Rex: Well all the guards are going. Regular army's coming in. They'll shut it down.
Esther: It was sanctioned. By the government. And they've got my name. They've got my name, I was on staff as Esther Drummond.
Rex: Esther, listen. Stop it, okay? Just stop it. You saved me.
Esther: I spent all that time wanting a job like yours. Look at me now.
Rex: It's okay. You're allowed to feel like this. Come here. {he kisses her forehead} But listen to me. This is not over. Not for Torchwood. And I need you in this fight. So get it together. And do it fast.
Esther: Done. I'm fine now. I'm ready.
Rex: Yeah. Me too.
Jack: We did it. We're whistle blowers. Every major news organization. The world knows the truth now. Let the outrage begin.
Rex: You really think it's that easy, hmm?
Lenses: We have your mother. We have your husband. We have your child.
Gwen: Who are you? What do you want? What do you want?!
Lenses: Bring us Jack.

Immortal Sins [4.7] [edit]

[On an alien encountered during a past adventure]
Jack Harkness: It's a species of brainspawn treated as vermin on more than 150 planets that I know and valued as dinner on one other. It tastes like oysters.
Angelo: You didn't...?
Jack Harkness: I had to be polite.

End of the Road [4.8] [edit]

Rex: Gwen Cooper's proven herself to be extremely useful. I think it's worth keeping her on our side.
Shapiro: Did you sleep with her?
Gwen: [outraged] Pardon me?!
Shapiro: Because most women that bitter you've slept with.
Shapiro: And what is it with you Red Baron? You've got Snoopy up your ass?

The Gathering [4.9] [edit]

The Blood Line [4.10] [edit]

Gwen: When I was about 5 or 6, my dad came home from work early. And I knew there was something wrong, I could hear voices from the kitchen. So I looked through the door and I could see him crying. Turned out money'd gone missing from work and he got the blame. So I went to get all my pocket money and I put it in his hand. Must have been about two pound fifty. He looked at me and said it wasn't about the money. He said "I can't stand anyone thinking I'm not an honest man," and I've always remembered that. Always. Because that was the first time in my life anybody had spoken to me like an adult. And then we went to the back garden and we played until dark. So that's my dad. Geraint Wynn Cooper, the nicest man in the world. And today's the day that I kill him.
Oswald: Who are you?
Jack: Captain Jack Harkness.
Oswald: No. I spent a long time in prison. And I know the smile of a man who's done terrible things. And your friends. I've been watching them. Sometime they like you, sometimes they love you... and sometimes once or twice, fluttering away in those tiny little gaps, they fear you.
Jack: I'm from the future.
Oswald: Well, now.
Jack: I come from the future.
Oswald: Then you must know. Do we make it through this day?
Jack: The future can change. It's being written right now. One thing I do know. I've seen the stars. I have seen the universe. I have seen the human race become vast and magnificent and endless. And I wish you could see it, Oswald. I wish you could see that, too. Because then you'd know how small you've made your life.
Gwen: But Rex, we've got to do this. And I'm gonna to tell you why. Because I'm standing here and I'm staring at Oswald Danes. And he chose when that girl lived and he chose when that girl died. And no one should have that power. Not the rich, not the mad, not anyone.
Oswald: You're choosing now.
Gwen: Yeah, you watch me.
Oswald: You'll kill Jack and Rex and that girl Esther--all of your Torchwood team. You'll kill them all.
Gwen: Yeah. Yeah.
Oswald: You are magnificent!
Gwen: And that's what I did. In a pit in old Shanghai I brought death back to the world. They said it was like a breath, a breath that went around the whole wide world. The last breath. And then no more. We said goodbye to them then--the dads and the moms, the sick and the old, the friends and the neighbors... and the people we once met. And the people whose names we never knew. We said goodbye to them all on the day that death came back.

Cast [edit]

Taglines [edit]

  • Alone They're Only Human, Together They're Torchwood (Series 2)
  • We Are Coming (Series 3)
  • Death Is Not An Option (Series 4)

See also [edit]

External links [edit]

Wikipedia
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