Torchwood

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Torchwood (2006 - ) is a BBC sci-fi drama, and a spinoff of Doctor Who created by Russell T. Davies. The show is based around a fictional secret organisation who monitor and fight aliens around the city of Cardiff. The show stars John Barrowman as the leader Captain Jack Harkness, Eve Myles as former policewoman Gwen Cooper, Burn Gorman as resident medic Owen Harper, Naoko Mori as scientist and technician Toshiko Sato and Gareth David-Lloyd as Ianto Jones, the support for the team.

Series 1 opening narration: Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on Earth, arming the human race against the future. The twenty-first century is when everything changes. And you've got to be ready.
Series 2 opening narration: Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police. Fighting for the future on behalf of the human race. The 21st century is when everything changes. And Torchwood is ready.

Contents

[edit] Series 1

[edit] Everything Changes [1.1]

Jack: There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.
Gwen: But those people, last night - the people in the car, who are they? What's Torchwood?
PC Andy: I dunno. Special Ops?
Gwen: Yeah, but what does that mean?
PC Andy:I'll bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a kebab!
Jack: Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?
Owen: Er, yeah, that would be me. Sorry, I’m a twat.
Jack: This is Owen Harper.
Owen: Doctor Owen Harper.
Jack: And this is Ianto Jones [Ianto nods] Ianto cleans up after us, gets us everywhere on time.
Ianto: I try my best.
Jack:' And he looks good in a suit.
Ianto: Careful, that's harassment, sir.
Gwen: But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?
Jack: That is so Welsh.
Gwen: What is?
Jack: I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

[edit] Day One [1.2]

Jack: All right, usual formation.
Gwen: What's the usual formation?
Owen: Varies.
Gwen: How can the usual formation vary?

[at a scene where a man, Matt, has just been vaporised after having sex with the alien-possessed Carys]

Gwen: He just...
Jack: [deadpan] Came and went.
Owen: Now that's how I'd like to go.
Tosh: That can be arranged.

[Gwen and Carys are kissing passionately in Carys' cell, while Owen watches.]

Owen: Happy birthday me. Oi, you lot, treat!

[Jack and Tosh come over to see]

Tosh: Wow.
Jack: Wow.
Owen: You said she had a boyfriend.
Jack: You people and your quaint little categories.
Tosh: We should really get her out of there...
Jack: Yeah... (pauses) I mean, yeah, come on!

[Jack leaves to the cells with Tosh]

Owen: I'll just... record a bit of this.
Gwen: So what's this supposed to do?
Jack: I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.
Tosh: He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.
Jack: Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!
[The team discuss Jack]
Gwen: You don't know anything?
Owen: Not who he is, not where he's from, not anything. Except... him being gay.
Gwen: No he's not. Really, do you think?
Toshiko: Owen does, I don't.
Ianto: And I don't care.
Owen: Period military is not the dress code of a straight man.
Gwen: I think it suits him. Sort of classic.
Toshiko: Exactly! I've watched him in action, he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough.
Gwen: We know he's from America, right?
Owen: Don't even know that for sure.
Toshiko: No US citizen by the name of Jack Harkness born in the last fifty years.
Gwen: Maybe his identity's classified.
Ianto: Used to be something big in the CIA, that's what I reckon.
Gwen: He must have his reasons for wanting to keep things secret.
Owen: Sure he has. Doesn't stop me from wanting to know.
Gwen: What are we doing, having Chinese while a girl fights for her life? We should be helping her.
Jack: Actually, while we've been eating, the computers have been running a full bio-scan on Carys, profiling her blood, metabolism, organs, the works. So we can see what effect the alien is having on her. They've also been taking samples of the air in the cell, so we can analyse any change in the environment around her. Now, is that enough? Do you want more? 'Cause... gets kind of boring.
Gwen: You've been hidden down here too long. Spending so much time with the alien stuff. You've lost what it means to be human.
Jack: So remind us. Tell me what it means to be human in the twenty-first century.
'[After finding Owen in the cell naked]
Tosh: Jack, Carys is out of her cell!
Owen: Cheeky bitch took my swipe card.
Jack: I'll deal with it. Tell Owen he needs to work on those abs a bit harder.
Owen: I was taking some readings, you know, keeping an eye on her, and bang!
Tosh: You got away lightly. Be thankful she was only interested your swipe card.
Gwen: Are you alright now, or are you still feeling a bit of a cock?
Ianto: Need me to do any attacking, sir?
Ianto: It's narrowed the numbers down, I could check through the rest. You know, the old fashioned way. With my eyes.

[edit] Ghost Machine [1.3]

Jack: This kid, Bernie. Where does he live?
Tosh: Splott.
Owen: Splott?!
Ianto: I believe estate agents pronounce it "Sploe".
Bernie: [To Owen after a chase] Don't hurt me, I've got asthma!
Owen: I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm gonna bloody kill you!

[edit] Cyberwoman [1.4]

Tosh: All I'm saying is that once in a while I'd like to drive.
Owen: Yeah, and all I'm saying is no.
Tosh: Why not?
Owen: Look I've shared cars with women before, I know what'll happen, there's an emergency, all raring to go, I jump in, what do I find? Seat's in the wrong position, rear view mirrors out of line, steering wheel's in my crotch. By time I've sorted all that out, aliens will've taken Newport!
Gwen: What about a rota? Different people on different days?
Jack: We're a secret organization hunting alien technology from an underground base, and you want a rota for who drives.
Gwen: ...Just trying to help.
Jack: The girl you loved, is gone. Your loyalty is to us now.
Ianto: You can't order me to do that.
Jack: You execute her or I'll execute you both!
Ianto: You think you're some kind of hero, but you're the biggest monster of them all!

[edit] Small Worlds [1.5]

Jack: You shouldn't be here.
Ianto: Neither should you.
Jack: What you got?
Ianto: Funny sort of weather patterns.
[talking about his former love, Estelle's, visions of fairies]
Jack: She calls them fairies; I don't.
Gwen: What do you call them?
Jack: Never really had a proper name.
Gwen: Why not?
Jack: Something from the dawn of time, how could you possibly put a name to that?
Gwen: Are we talking alien?
Jack: Worse.
Gwen: How come?
Jack: Because they're part of us. Part of our world, yet we know nothing about them. So we pretend to know what they look like. We see them as happy, we imagine they have tiny little wings and are bathed in moonlight.
Gwen: But they're not?
Jack: No. Think dangerous. Think something you can only half-see, like a glimpse, like something out of the corner of your eye. With a touch of myth, a touch of the spirit world, a touch of reality all jumbled together, old moments and memories that are frozen in amongst it. Like debris, spinning around a ring planet, tossing, turning, whirling... backwards and forwards through time.
Ianto: I blame it on magic mushrooms.
Jack: What you do in private is none of our business.

[edit] Countrycide [1.6]

Owen: I hate the countryside. It's dirty, it's unhygienic. And what is that smell?
Gwen: That would be grass.
Owen: It's disgusting.
Ianto: You're used to this, aren't you? That facial expression you all share. When things get a bit, out of control. Like you enjoy it. Like you get a high from the danger.
Toshiko: You want me to apologise for that?
Ianto: Don't you ever wonder how long you can survive before you go mad, or get killed, or lose a loved one?
Toshiko: It's worth the risk, to protect people!
Ianto: And who protects us?!

[edit] Greeks Bearing Gifts [1.7]

Jack: Once, just once, I’d like to walk into one of these tents and find it’s a party, with food, and drink, and dancing; a girl crying in the corner.
Owen: I started looking into devil worship and stuff from that era [the 1800s], see if there's anything about plucking out hearts, and would you believe it, there's nothing! They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals, but they did not pluck out each others' hearts, because obviously, that would have been weird.
Ianto: [Thinking] Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything. Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats. Feels like this is all I am now. There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt. [Out loud] I’m about to brew some of Jack’s industrial strength coffee. Would you like a cup?
Tosh: I’m … fine, thanks Ianto.
Jack: My guess is you're not from around these parts.

[edit] They Keep Killing Suzie [1.8]

Owen: If it's someone we've pissed off that narrows it down to 4 or 5 million.
Jack: That's just the humans.
Gwen: Wait a minute, I've taken retcon.
Jack: Then better stay away from sharp objects.
Jack: Ianto, how many people have we given amnesia pills to?
Ianto: Two thousand and eight.
Owen: Hey, what if they all become psychotic?
Tosh: Do you have to sound so happy?
Owen: Yeah, I'm just saying, main streets!
Owen: [re: the Resurrection Gauntlet.] You know, we never gave it a cool name.
Tosh: I thought we just called it "the Resurrection Gauntlet".
Owen: Cool name.
Ianto: What about... the Risen Mitten?
[Jack raises his eyebrows and Owen rolls his eyes despairingly.]
Ianto: I think it's catchy.
Owen: [re: the life knife] Ianto?
Ianto: [deadpan] Life knife.
Jack: [stunning Max] That one's for Ianto. Risen Mitten, Life Knife, and that old classic...Stun Gun.
Ianto: I've got reception sir.
Jack: How you'd do that? We're sealed off.
Ianto: Just used the water tower as a relay.
Jack: [takes phone] Nice work Ianto. But who the hell do we phone?
Ianto: [to Jack] You know, I still have that stopwatch.
Jack: So?
Ianto: Think about it, lots of things you can do with a stopwatch.
Jack: Oh yeah, I can think of a few.
Ianto: There's quite a list.
Jack: I'll send the others home early, see you in my office in ten.
Ianto: That's ten minutes... and counting.
[Jack starts to walk away]
Ianto: Oh, Jack? What do you want me to say on the death certificate?
Jack: Good question.
Ianto: She had quite a few deaths in the end.
Jack: I don't know. 'Death by Torchwood'.
Ianto: I'll put a lock on the door. Just in case she goes walking again.
Jack: Nah. No chance of that. The Resurrection days are over, thank God.
Ianto: Oh, I wouldn't be too sure. That's the thing about gloves, sir. They come in pairs.

[edit] Random Shoes [1.9]

Eugene: [Opening narration] The speed of light is 299,792,458 metres per second. Pain travels through the body at 350 feet per second. Even a sneeze can reach a hundred miles per hour. And as for life? Well... that just bloody whizzes by.
Gwen: What was [Eugene] doing out on that road?
Owen: Oh fuck knows. Categorising chevrons? He was a geek.
Gwen: I just feel... like there's something going on...
Owen: Marvellous. Thank you for that Disney moment.
Eugene: The average life is full of near misses and absolute hits. Of great love and small disasters. It's made up of banana milkshakes, loft insulation and random shoes. It's dead ordinary and truly, truly amazing. What you've got to realize is, it's all here, now. So breathe deep and swallow it whole. Because take it from me: life just whizzes by, and then, all of a sudden, it's—

[edit] Out of Time [1.10]

Emma: How much food money do I have left?
Ianto: £15.40.
[Emma immediately grabs various confectionery items]
Ianto: £12.10. You'll ruin your teeth.
Emma: You sound like my mum.
[John Ellis picks up a copy of a magazine with a woman in her underwear on the front]
John: Good God!
Ianto: Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-clad celebrities.
John: There are children around!
Ianto: She's a children's TV presenter.
[John replaces the magazine with a shocked expression]

[edit] Combat [1.11]

[at a scene where a man has been killed by a weevil the crazy frog tune starts from the mans phone]

Tosh: Is that his...?
Jack: You don't think I would choose that ringtone.

[Owens phone rings]

Owen: This is Owen's voicemail, don't leave a message.
Jack: Nice try, Owen, I want you back at the hub immediately.
Jack: Okay Janet [the Weevil], time for a trip out.
Tosh: You call it Janet?
Jack: Barbara just never seemed right.

[edit] Captain Jack Harkness [1.12]

Jack: I went to war when I was a boy. I was with my best friend. We got caught crossing the border over enemy lines. They tortured him, not me, because he was weaker. They made me watch him die. And they let me go.
Captain Jack Harkness: Who were they?
Jack: The worst possible creatures you can imagine. I persuaded him to join up. I said it would be an adventure. He hadn't lived.
Captain Jack Harkness: Have any of us?
Ianto: Jack needs me!
Owen: In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams, when you're his part time shag maybe.

[edit] End of Days [1.13]

Jack: Under any other circumstances, an exuberant Roman soldier would be my idea of a perfect morning.
Jack: [about Abaddon] Abaddon is the bringer of death, let's see how he goes with me. If he feeds on life, then I'm an all-you-can-eat buffet!
Gwen: So, what sort of vision did you have? We all saw people we loved, asking us to open the Rift. Who did you see?
Jack: Nothing. I didn't see anyone.
Gwen: Jack? What visions would have tempted you?
Jack: [sighs] The right kind of Doctor.
[Jack gets up and walks out of the room. He walks through the Hub, then stops. He walks across the room, staring at something. He bends over with a wide grin on his face in front of the hand in the jar. The hand is bubbling and glowing. The sound of a TARDIS materialising fills the room and blows paper around. Jack grins and runs offscreen(later continuing to Utopia). Gwen walks in as we hear the TARDIS start to dematerialise.]
Gwen: Jack!
[The TARDIS noise fades away as the others walk in and notice the mess]
Owen: I thought we tidied up in here.
Gwen: Did any of you see Jack on your way in?
Ianto: No. Why?
Gwen: [Arms folded, she turns to face the direction the noise came from] Something's taken him. Jack's gone.

[edit] Series 2

[edit] Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang [2.1]

Gwen: Excuse me, have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car?
[Old Woman points in the direction in which Torchwood are heading]
Gwen: [serious] Thank you. [driving away]
Old Woman: Bloody Torchwood.
[Jack's vortex manipulator beeps]
Ianto: Woah, that never beeps.
Jack: That's what I was thinking.
Captain John Hart: [as a hologram, sarcastically] Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!
John: Did I mention I'm armed?
[John has skulled half a bottle of vodka]
Jack: So, how was rehab?
John: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and ...?
John: Murder.
Jack: [laughs] You went to murder rehab?
John: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: [jokingly worried] You clean now?
John: [deadpan] Yeah, kicked everything, living like a priest.
Jack: You have to go, I want you off my territory.
John: What? Time was you couldn't get enough of me on your territory.
Jack: Meet Captain John Hart. We go back.
John: Excuse me, we more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
John: In every way. And then some.
John: It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
John: You were the wife...
Jack: No, you were the wife...
John: Oh, but I was a good wife!
Tosh: I bet you were! [Gets a look off Owen] What, don't pretend you haven't noticed...he's cute.
John: They're just shy.
Jack: Oh yeah, I love that office-y feel. I always get excited in these places. To me they're exotic. Office romances... Photocopying your butt, well maybe not your butt, although whilst we're here why don't we photo-
Ianto: The rift was active at these coordinates, approximately 200 feet above ground. That means this floor or the roof.
Jack: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto: All the better for having you back, Sir.
Jack: Can we drop the 'Sir' now? I mean, while I was away, I was thinking, maybe we could...You know, when this is all done...Dinner, a movie...?
Ianto: Are you asking me out on a date?
Jack: Interested?
Ianto: [stuttering] Well, as long as it's not in an office...Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.
Jack: Looks like we're going to have to go through every drawer, bin and plant-pot.
Ianto: Right, OK. I'll do this floor, don't want you getting over excited. You take the roof, you're good on roofs.
[Pause. Jack starts to leave]
Ianto: Jack? Why are we helping him?
Jack: He's a reminder of my past, I want him gone.
[pause]
Jack: By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto: Yes, yes...
John: [lustfully] Oh, that's gorgeous.
Gwen: That's a poodle.
John: [viciously] S'Nice!
John: Oh, by the way, I found Gray.
[Jack stands in shocked silence]

[edit] Sleeper [2.2]

Ianto: 'Just us. In this room. As long as it takes.' Terrifying.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: [nods] Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: Well, it passed.
Ianto: We don't sniff the sub-etheric resonator!
Toshiko: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time you used it?
Jack: That was different. And that species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto: Oh, right. Their heads must explode all the time.
[Gwen looks up, wide-eyed in shock]
Gwen: Jack, you can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.
Jack: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.
Toshiko: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or at the first sign of EXPLODINGGGG. [grimaces and mimes a seizure]
(Jack gives him a Look.)
Tosh: No I can't just hook something up! The entire telephone network is down!
Owen: What about a mobile connection?
Tosh: [annoyed] The entire. Telephone. Network. Is down!
Ianto: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string - everything, absolutely everything! No phones, phones all broken. [mimics telephone] Hello? Anyone there? [normal] No, 'cause the phones aren't working!
Owen: How'd you know that?
Ianto: I know everything! And it says so on the bottom of the screen.
Jack: Have faith, with a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?
Ianto: He is dashing, you have to give him that.
Owen: And what if they can't stop it?
Tosh: They'll stop it.
Owen:Yeah, but if they can't?
Ianto: Then it's...all over.
Owen: [after a pause] Let's all have sex.
Ianto: [deadpan] And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.
Ianto She knows more about this place than me (Slams fist) Nobody knows more about this place than me

[edit] To the Last Man [2.3]

Gwen: She's going out with a frozen soldier from 1918.
Jack: Nobody's perfect.
Tommy: [ruefully] "The war to end all wars", they said... then three weeks later you had the Second World War. After all that...
Jack: This time tomorrow he'll be back in 1918.
Ianto: In his own time. [pause] Would you go back to yours, if you could?
Jack: Why? Would you miss me?
Ianto: Yep.
Jack: I left home a long time ago, I don't know where I really belong. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.
Ianto: [perches on the edge of Jack's desk] I know you get lonely.
Jack: Going home wouldn't fix that. Being here, I've seen things I never dreamt I'd see, loved people people I never would have know if I'd stayed where I was. [looks directly at Ianto] And I wouldn't change that for the world.
[Ianto kisses Jack]

[edit] Meat [2.4]

[Radio advert plays while Rhys is driving]
Rhys: [Singing along] Who'd you trust to transport your goods? Harwoods! You won't be sorry with a Harwoods lorry!
Gwen: Have you ever eaten alien meat?
Jack: Yeah.
Gwen: What was it like?
Jack: Well, he seemed to enjoy it.
Ianto: Pizza's arrived – thought it would be another late night.
Owen: What did you get?
Ianto: The usual. Meat feast.
Owen: Lovely.
Owen: So the protein chains are regenerating despite the mutilations, so not only is it replenishing its own flesh, but it's increasing it, giving them a brand new meat supply.
Gwen: It would last them for years, then.
Toshiko: If we understood how worked, we could feed the world!
Ianto: We could release a single.
Rhys: Well if you stopped and asked me exactly what I saw in there instead of showin' off...
Jack (aside): Do I show off?
Ianto: Just a bit.
Rhys: ...You'd know that I got out by telling them I wanted a job as a delivery boy! So rather than "cock things up", I found you a way to get in! But if you can't handle that, big boy, then you can stuff it!
[pause]
Jack: This is quite homoerotic.
Jack: [talking about the alien] We're going to save it. Stabilize it, wait for the rift to open, and, fwooh, send it back.
Ianto: ...And guess who'll have to look after it in the meantime?
Ianto:...(covers nose with sleve)...mmmmmm

[edit] Adam [2.5]

[Owen has just given Tosh a toy rodent]
Tosh: Just what I need, a rodent watching me while I work. I think I'll call it Owen.
Adam: You always remember what you kill, don't you, Jack?
[team discusses the mysterious box]
Ianto: I think Jack brought that in.
Tosh: No, I'm pretty sure Adam found it on an excavation a few months back.
Ianto: I'll have a look in the diary. I like to log the interesting stuff.
Tosh: You write about artifacts in your diary?
Ianto: Among other things. [winks]
Jack: Now I have to help you all go back. Find a memory that defines you, rediscover who you are. If I'm wrong, he will still be here when we’ve done this. [turns off computer screen] Let me take you back to before we all met. [turns off lights] Feel around for anything that makes you what you are. The hidden and the forgotten. Tell me where you are.
Gwen: College canteen. Rhys is sitting opposite me telling stupid jokes.
[Flashback] - :Rhys: where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Where you left it!
Owen: It’s my birthday, ten. My mum spends the whole day screaming, ‘I love you because you’re my son but that doesn’t mean I have to like you.’
Tosh: Maths club. There’s something so reliable about maths. Always the right answer.
Ianto: Meeting Lisa. Falling in love. I never felt so alive.
Owen: Turned sixteen, she packs my bags. That is the nicest thing you’ve done for me in years mother.
Gwen: Kissing in the supermarket. The look on his face.
Tosh: My first flat. I don’t have a flat warming – there’s no one I want to invite.
Ianto: Losing Lisa. Like the world had ended.
Gwen: The way he looks at me sometimes, as if he's scared of what he feels for me. I love him [turns to Jack] but not in the way I love you.
Jack: [to Gwen] Take this [Gwen takes the retcon pill]
Tosh: Knowing there has to be more to life than this, knowing I’m special, waiting for someone to see it.
Jack: I saw it [gives her a pill]
Owen: You save one life, a hundred lives but it’s never enough. Who will save me?
Jack: I will [gives him a pill]
Ianto: Coming here, it gave me meaning again. [Turns to Jack] You. [Jack kisses his forehead then gives him a pill]
Jack: [to everyone] You each have a short-term amnesia pill. It will make you forget Adam. We have to wipe out the last 48 hours from our memories. Go back to who we were.
[Ianto takes his pill]
[Cut to Adam in his cell]
[Gwen takes her pill]
[Cut to Adam in his cell]
[Owen takes his pill]
Tosh: [Switches the screen on to look at Adam in his cell] I’m going to lose so much.
Jack: None of it was real.
Tosh: He loved me and I loved him. It’s no different from real memories.
Jack: He forced it on you. You have to let it go
Tosh: [Takes her pill, then looks at the screen] Goodbye Adam.
Jack: Oh, by the way, I found your diary.
Ianto: Ah, yes, I've been looking for that. [starts to walk away]
Jack: And for the record, measuring tapes never lie.
Ianto: [silently] Fuck.

[edit] Reset [2.6]

Ianto: Jack? your V.I.P guest is here
Gwen: I disdn't know we were expecting anyone (The rest of the team turn towards the entrance to the hub)

(Jack runs towards the door to the hub as it opens revealing Martha Jones dressed in a suit with a bag over her arm)

Jack: On a dark night in Cardiff, I hear the song of a nightingale
Martha: Jack's right, these attacks are not random, they're clinical, professional. More like assassinations.
Gwen: Except Barry Leonard was a student. Who'd assassinate a student?
Martha: Student loans company?
Gwen: Yeah, I think you just cracked it.
[They both laugh.]
Martha: So, Jack asked me if I could get you a UNIT cap to wear.
Ianto: Did he? Well, red is my colour.
Martha: So, am I right in thinking that you and he...
Ianto: We... dabble.
Martha: Yeah?
Ianto: Yeah.
Martha: So what's his "dabbling" like?
Ianto: Innovative.
Martha: Really!
Ianto: Bordering on the avant-garde.
Martha: Wow.
Ianto: Oh yeah. [He smiles a little distantly]
Tosh: Ianto, what have you done with Billy Davis's body?
Ianto: Um, I was just about to dispose of it, why?
Tosh: I thought of a way we can use him to get us into the Pharm. [Shows something on screen] Clever, huh?
Ianto: Oh you are warped on the inside. How do you think of these things?
Tosh: I'll take that as a compliment.

[edit] Dead Man Walking [2.7]

Ianto: I have searched for the phrase "I shall walk the Earth and my hunger shall know no bounds," but I keep getting redirected to Weight Watchers!
Owen: [supposedly telling Martha what death is like] There was a light, a tiny speck of light and I was rushing towards it, like down a corridor, and it got brighter, and brighter, then suddenly there were these gates... these big, pearly gates and there was this old geezer and he said, "You've been a very naughty boy!"
Jack: Only in suffering do we realize beauty.
Owen: Yeah, yeah. Who said that?
Jack: Proust.
Owen: You've read Proust?
Jack: Yeah. [pause] Well, no. We dated for a while. He was really immature.
Owen: [talking to a child cancer patient] Jamie, you're scared, of course you are, the last lot of chemo didn't work and you can't bear the thought of going through all that pain again, I understand that mate, I really do. But let me tell you, that not everyone dies from this disease. And the ones with the best chance of making it are the ones who believe they can beat death. And sometimes, just sometimes, you can. So watch and learn, Jamie Burton.
Jamie: Watch what?
Owen: Watch me beat Death.
Tosh: [finally picking the lock on a door] Come on!
Owen: Okay, go, come on, Jamie, [to Tosh] take him!
Tosh: Owen? I am not leaving you to face that thing on your own!
Owen: I know what to do.
Tosh: We don't know what we're dealing with!
Owen: Tosh... [kisses Tosh] you're so going to hate me for this. [uses the lock-picking device to shut himself in the lobby]
Tosh: Owen, no, open the door! What the hell are you doing? Owen!
Owen: [to Death] How long!? How long can you last here with only twelve victims? There's nothing here for you! Owen Harper's soul has left the building! There's nobody here but us dead men. [starts fighting Death to the protestations of his team] What else have you got? What else do you do to the dead? Is that all you've got? Is it?!? [Death eventually fades away in a white light]

[edit] A Day in the Death [2.8]

Owen: [Opening narration] My name is Doctor Owen Harper and this is my life. A life that is full of action. And violence. And work and wonder. Secrets. And sex. And love. And heartbreak. Death. My death. The death I survived. The death I'm now living through. Except.... this isn't living. Every day is the same. I get up. Get ready for work. Same as everyone else. The thing is, I'm not the same. I get to work and everyone is doing the same old thing. Babbling away about aliens, weddings. I'm not real. Three days ago I died. And they think I'm fine. But they're wrong.
Owen: [to Jack about him trying to drown himself] You were watching?
Jack: Skinny guy in tight jeans runs into water? I was taking pictures!
Ianto: I always loved Tintin.
Owen: Yeah, well you would wouldn't you? And he never had a girlfriend, did he? Just the dog, so I reckon he was actually shagging the dog.
[Beat]
Gwen: Meanwhile, back at Torchwood...

[edit] Something Borrowed [2.9]

Jack: Which is fine, as long as she doesn't go into labour at the altar. Rhys might forgive her for going down the aisle pregnant, but not giving birth to a razor-toothed monster that eats half his family.
Ianto: Could that happen?
[Ianto is checking out wedding dresses]
Tailor: Can I help you?
Ianto: I'm looking for a wedding dress for my friend.
Tailor: Of course you are, sir. You'd be surprised, we're quite used to men buying for their... "friends".
Jack: [looking through a dress catalogue] Nope, like that one. Good choice.
Ianto: I estimated Gwen's size from the Hub's security laser scans. As you know, my dad was a master tailor; he could size a man's inside leg measurement by his stride across the shop threshold.
Jack: Ah, a family eye. Remind me to test it some time.
Ianto: Well, if later on-
Owen: Jack!
Ianto: Yep. Like that one.
Jack: What's is it with you? Ever since Owen died, all you've done is agree with him!
Ianto: I was brought up not to speak ill of the dead. Even if they do still do most of their talking for themselves.
Gwen: [talking about getting married] It'll happen for you one day, Tosh. There's always Owen.
Tosh: I don't think so. "In sickness and in health, 'til death do us part". It's gonna sound like a bad joke.
Gwen: What will you do while I'm gone?
Jack: Oooh, the usual. Pizza, Ianto, save the world a couple of times.
Ianto: That's what I love about Torchwood. By day, you're chasing the scum of the universe, come midnight you're the wedding fairy.

[edit] From Out of the Rain [2.10]

Jack: Ianto, with me. I need your local knowledge.
Gwen: Is that what you're calling it these days?

[edit] Adrift [2.11]

Gwen: Torchwood doesn't do maternity leave - "Sorry Jack, I'd love to deal with those aliens but I can't find a babysitter" or "I'll deal with that bomb once I've dropped Rhys Jr. off at preschool."
[After walking in on Jack and Ianto in the hot house]
Gwen: Ianto, hi. I'm sorry. I didn't realize—
Ianto: Doesn't matter.
Gwen: I wouldn't have come in if I'd known—
Jack: Always room for one more. We could have used an hour ago for naked hide-and-seek.
Ianto: He cheats. He always cheats

[edit] Fragments [2.12]

Tosh: Who are you?
Jack: Nobody. I don't exist... and for a man of my charisma, that's quite an achievement.
Jack: And you are?
Ianto: Jones, Ianto Jones.
Jack: Nice to meet you Jones Ianto Jones.
Jack: Thanks for the assistance.
Ianto: Any time. By the way, love the coat!
[Talking about the pterodactyl]
Jack: Quite excitable!
Ianto: Must be that aftershave.
Jack: I never wear any.
Ianto: You smell like that naturally?
Jack: Fifty first century pheromones, you people have no idea!
Ianto: Like a butler! I could be a butler!
Jack: We don't need a butler.
Ianto: Excuse me, dried egg on your collar!
Jack: It was a busy week!
Ianto: I've got a secret weapon. Chocolate. Preferably dark.
Jack: Come back with me. I've got somewhere nice and big where you can fly around.
Ianto: So you'll let the pterodactyl in and not me?!
Jack: I need a guard dog
Ianto: I could be that!
Owen: If you're not a figment of my imagination, then I don't know what's happening anymore. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like.
Jack: You're fine. It's the rest of the world that's delusional.
John: Here's what's going to happen: everything you love, everything you treasure, will die. I'm gonna tear your world apart, Captain Jack Harkness, piece by piece. Starting now.

[edit] Exit Wounds [2.13]

PC Andy: Rhys! What are you doing here?! It's a crime scene!
Gwen: Oh come on, Andy, Rhys won't blab.
Rhys: Excuse me! I've kept loads of secrets!
PC Andy: Like what?
Rhys: Like a Time Agency based in Cardiff!
Gwen: It's not based in Cardiff.
PC Andy: Brilliant secret. I ask, you tell. Well done.
[Jack enters the Hub. "I Lost My Heart to a Starship Trooper" is playing in the background.]
John: Come on! Sing along! It's our song!
Jack: We don't have a song! And if we did have a song, it wouldn't be this song!
John: [deadpan] You're no fun!
Jack: What do you want?
John: I want you to know that I love you.
Jack: Funny way of showing it.
John: No, seriously. You have to understand. [turns around] I really do love you.
[John pulls out two submachine guns and shoots Jack repeatedly. John stands over his "corpse".]
John: 'Cause this is gonna get nasty.
John: You took your time!
Gwen: On your knees!
John: [sigh] Honestly, it's just sex, sex, sex, with you people.
Gwen: Now!
[Owen is trapped in a room and is about to be vaporised]
Owen: [hysterical] Tosh! Toshiko, I can't get out! Not like this! I'm not dying here! Get me out of here Tosh, get me out of here, I died once and I'm not doing it again! Where's Jack? Where's Gwen, Ianto, John?!? You wanna watch the dead man die again?!
Tosh: Owen, just stay calm.
Owen: Why should I do that? Where's the fun in that? I'm gonna rage my way to oblivion!
Tosh: [upset, quietly] Please stop.
Owen: Why? Give me good bloody reason why I should, one good reason why I shouldn't keep screaming!
Tosh: [crying] Because you're breaking my heart!
Owen: [calms down] Sorry.
Tosh: [still crying, harder] It's my fault.
Owen: No, no no it isn't, no it isn't, don't you dare go there Tosh, I'm really sorry. [pause] What's gonna happen to me Tosh?
Tosh: [whisper] I can't.
Owen: Please, okay, I need to know.
Tosh: [not crying but barely able to get the words out] The containment chamber will be flooded with irradiated coolant.
Owen: Ah, my body will slowly decompose, while I watch.
Tosh: [crying] I should have been able to stop it!
Owen: Sshh, come on Tosh, there's no way you could have anticipated that power spike, come on. Besides you've saved my back so many times in the past, right from the moment I joined.
Tosh: Your second week, I had to cover for you, pretend I was a medic because you were hung over and unreachable.
Owen: [weak laugh] What was it, space pig?
Tosh: Space pig.
Owen: We never did get that date did we, you and me? We sort of, uh, missed each other, was my fault, didn't notice until it was too late, I'm sorry.
Tosh: [weakly, crying] Me too.
Owen: [alarms sound] It's starting.
Tosh: [whisper] Owen.
Owen: It's all right; really Tosh, it's all right. [last words] Oh god.
Tosh: [on video] Okay. So, if you're seeing this, I guess it means I'm, well, dead. Hope it was impressive! Not crossing the road or an 'incident' with a toaster. I just wanted to say, it's okay, it really is. Jack, you saved me. You showed me all the wonders of the universe and all those possibilities. And I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Thank you. And Owen. You never knew. I love you. All of you. And.... I hope I did good.
Jack: Now we carry on.
Gwen: I don't think I can. Not after this.
Jack: You can. We all can. The end is where we start from.

[edit] Series 3: Children of Earth

[edit] Day 1

Gwen: Alright Glyn? What's occurring?
Glyn: Been watching the Bay, no sea monsters yet.
Gwen: Ah, still early!
Ianto: Heh, he thought we were a couple, he said 'You two', the way he said it 'You two'.
Jack: Well we are, does it matter?
Gwen: [mockingly] I'm going into England. Farewell forever.
Rhys: [mock-concerned] Do you have currency?
Gwen: Yes, and I've had my injections.
Rhiannon: Susan on the corner was in town and it was her anniversary so they went to that posh french place in town by the memorial and there was you.
Ianto: So...
Rhiannon: There was you...having dinner...with a man.
Ianto: So?
Rhiannon: Having dinner with a man...in a restaurant.
Ianto: So you have dinner with Tina.
Rhiannon: Not in town. Susan said he was gorgeous. Like a film star. Like an escort.
Ianto: He's my boss.
Rhiannon: She said it was intimate. I said well he's had girlfriends, and she said, well no girl was getting her feet around that table. No chance! have you gone bender?
Ianto: [looks at Misha] Misha's hearing this.
Rhiannon: She's not bothered. Her friend Shan gots two mothers. [pauses] Go on? [longer pause] You never tell me anything these days. Dad died that was it. You were off-you couldn't wait. Like I did something wrong. I didn't. Did I?
Ianto: [shaking his head] It's not that. It's my job. It's..difficult. It's...[closes his eyes for a second and opens them again] He is very handsome.
Rhiannon: No?
Ianto: Now stop it.
Rhiannon: You're kidding me? Really though? Really? Christ all mighty! [pause] He's nice though, is he? Is he? Oh my...I'm mean since when?
Ianto: It's weird. It's just different. It's not men. It's...it's just him. It's only him. And i don't even know what it is really, so...so I'm not broadcasting it.
Jack: Ianto! We're having a baby.
Ianto: Congratulations. Is now a good time to tell you I lost the car?
Jack: You did what?!

[edit] Day Two

PC Andy: If she's anti-terrorist, I would not mind being Uncle Terrorist.
PC Andy: She shot the wheels. What kind of terrorist shoots your wheels?
Johnson: A clever one.

[edit] Day Three

Ianto: Do you ever think that one day your luck'll run out? That you won't come back?
Jack: I'm a fixed point in time and space. That's what the Doctor says. I think that means it's forever.
Ianto: So, one day you'll see me die of old age and just... keep going?
Jack: Yeah...
Ianto: We'd better make the most of it then.
Jack: Suppose...
Ianto: Like right now?
Jack: Ianto, the world could be ending.
Ianto: World's always ending. And I have missed that coat.
Jack: Rhys, do you want to take the car down to those shops by the Wharf? We need some discs for these things. Should take about 20 minutes.
Ianto: [quickly] Thirty.
Jack: 30 minutes.
Rhys: I'll go later; the beans are almost done.
Jack: Beans are almost done.
Ianto: Bloody beans.
Clem: And who's the queer?
Ianto: Oi! [beat] It's not 1965 anymore.
Clem: He's queer. I can smell it.

[edit] Day Four

Gwen: You get to shoot first, and ask questions later. How good is that?
Ianto: I've only just scraped the surface, haven't I?
Jack: Ianto, that's all there is.
Ianto: No. You pretend that's all there is.
Ianto: [holds up gun] If there's a virus, there must be an anti-virus. Release it now or I'll blow a hole in that tank, and we'll all die together.
Jack: [Joins Ianto, holds up his gun at the tank] You've made your point now stop this and we can talk!
456: You will die. Even now.
[Jack and Ianto shoot at the tank, screaming noise is heard]
Jack: What's that noise? What's it doing? We gotta get you out of here. I can survive anything, but you can't!
Ianto: It's too late. I've breathed the air.
Jack: [desperate, begins crying] There's gotta be something, there's gotta be an antidote!
456: You said you would fight.
Jack: And I take it back, alright? I take it all back, but not him!
[Ianto falls to the ground, and is caught by Jack. He lies in his arms]
Jack: No! No, no, no, no, no. Ianto?
Jack: It's all my fault.
Ianto: No it's not...
Jack: Don't speak, save your breath.
Ianto: [crying] I love you.
Jack: [shakes head] Don't. Ianto? Ianto? Ianto, stay with me, Ianto, stay with me please. [shakes, desperate] Stay with me, stay with me.
Ianto: Hey, it was...Good, yeah?
Jack: Yeah.
Ianto: You'll forget me.
Jack: [shakes head] Never could.
Ianto: In a thousand years time, you won't remember me.
Jack: Yes I will. I promise, I will.
Jack: Ianto? Ianto? Don't go, don't leave me, please. Please, don't.
456: He will die. And tomorrow your people will deliver the children
Jack: [looks up at 456 with hatred, looks back at Ianto, kisses. Then dies beside Ianto]

[edit] Day Five

Gwen - There's one thing I always wanted to ask Jack. Back in the old days. I wanted to know about that Doctor of his. The man who appears out of nowhere and saves the world; except sometimes he doesn't. All those times in history where there was no sign of him.. I wanted to know why not. But I don't need to ask anymore. I know the answer now: Sometimes the Doctor must look at this planet and turn away in shame.

[edit] Cast

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

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