WWE Raw

WWE RAW (formerly WWF Monday Night Raw, WWF RAW Is WAR, and WWF War Zone) is a wrestling program that has aired on Monday nights since January 11, 1993.

1993

June 14

Mean Gene Okerlund: We are here at the just-concluded King of the Ring. I am here with the brand new World Wrestling Federation Champion, Yokozuna, and his manager Mr. Fuji. In an interview conducted earlier, you stated you would hold a celebration here in America. Why?

Mr. Fuji: Why? Simple. Because my Yokozuna won WWF Heavyweight Belt right here in beautiful America, so we celebrate, Yokozuna and myself, in America.

Mean Gene: Now when would this celebration take place?

Mr. Fuji: Perhaps...July 4.

Mean Gene: Well, wait a minute. July 4th...well, it's a big holiday. As a matter of fact, the 4th of July is America's birthday. Why would you celebrate on the 4th of July?

Mr. Fuji: Why? Because America celebrates Independence Day, Yokozuna and Mr. Fuji celebrates with America.

Mean Gene: Where would this celebration take place?

Mr. Fuji: Ah... perhaps beautiful landmark in America. Historical! Historical landmark in America!

Mean Gene: Wait a minute, Mr. Fuji. You've got to be kidding me. That's disgusting!

Mr. Fuji: What?

Mean Gene: I think you're actually trying to desecrate an American holiday, aren't you?!

Mr. Fuji: No, no, no, no...

Mean Gene: You and Yokozuna up to your... is this what we're going to expect from you?! Come on!

Yokozuna: Yosh nay [sic]. Hulkamania is dead!

August 2

Vince McMahon: What a victory for the 1-2-3 Kid, Razor Ramon at ringside adding insult to injury to the SummerSlam match-up. I'll tell you what, this is gonna be something extraordinary. Ted DiBiase, very, very upset.

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: Well, you've made an enemy now out of Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man, and Money Inc. What you do, McMahon, is your business. When you get into the ring...

[Vince and Bobby notice someone has entered the ring]

Vince: Speaking of business, what's this man doing here?

Bobby: WAIT A MINUTE!!

Vince: He has no business here.

Bobby: DO YOU KNOW? DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?! Do you have any idea who... Do you have any idea who that is?! Jimmy! Jimmy!

Vince: Jim Cornette. Don't get carried away. I've never seen Bobby Heenan so delighted. What is this?! [Bobby and Jim Cornette share a delighted hug in the ring] Oh, look at this! It's a reunion! Bobby Heenan and Jim Cornette from Smoky Mountain Wrestling!

Bobby: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe this! I do not believe this! Do you know who this is?! Do you have any, any idea who this man is?! [To Jim] No, I'm gonna talk right now. You listen! Relax. I'm gonna talk for you. This, ladies and gentlemen, this is the greatest manager in the history of the sport of wrestling! Yes! I couldn't... I couldn't even surpass what this man has done. Jim Cornette, what are you doing here in the WWF?

Jim Cornette: First of all, Bobby, I wanna say something. I'm only the greatest manager in wrestling only because that you're no longer managing. I gotta say... and by the way, my mother really liked that bouquet of roses you sent. But you know something? Everybody's wondering, "Jim Cornette..." I know all the people out there, they got their false teeth laying on the floor, man, and they gotta have their wives slap 'em, bring 'em back around, sit 'em up on the couch. "Jim Cornette's on the WWF, man!"

Bobby: Tell me, Jim, what is going on with Smoky Mountain Wrestling?

Jim: Let me just explain for all you genetic defects out here living downstream from the nuclear plant. Jim Cornette has done everything in his career. I've done everything in professional wrestling. I've traveled coast to coast, border to border. I've managed the greatest tag teams in wrestling. The one thing I haven't done is appeared in the World Wrestling Federation. I'm here to do that now because I finally have my knockout blow.

A year and a half ago, I settled in the great Smoky Mountains down there in Knoxville, Tennessee, and I became involved with the hottest wrestling promotion in the South, Smoky Mountain Wrestling. And I formed, I handpicked a tag team guaranteed to be the pièce de résistance, the cream of the crop, the greatest combination that I have ever managed. None other than the Heavenly Bodies: The Doctor of Desire Tom Prichard and the Gigolo Jimmy Del Ray. And they are, without a doubt, the object of every American woman's desire.

Bobby: Talk about surprises! You never cease to surprise me, Jim!

Jim: That's exactly right, and I'm full of surprises, because I've got another one. I'm here in the WWF for one reason. Because, like I said, I manage the greatest tag team in wrestling, the Heavenly Bodies. They have dominated Smoky Mountain Wrestling for a year and a half. And now, I hear you've got some big fish up here. A couple guys called Rick and Scott Steiner that every... [off the audience cheer] Yeah.

Vince: Oh, boy, Cornette wasting no time.

Bobby: They're the WWF Tag Team Champions.

Jim: That's exactly right. They're the World Wrestling Federation Tag Team Champions, but they're not the best tag team in the world. The Heavenly Bodies are. So what I'm saying, Rick and Scott Steiner, now I'm ready for the knockout blow, the only step I've never taken! You got a challenge on your table, Steiner Brothers. Either you can get in the ring with the Heavenly Bodies, defend those belts, get beat, of course, but at least these people will know that you had some guts. And hey, it's no disgrace getting beat by the best. Or you can just overlook my challenge, and then every single one of these people will know that you're yellow, stinkin', dog-cur cowards, and I know you are.

Bobby: Ladies and gentlemen, this man is gonna set the World Wrestling Federation on fire! And Jimmy, you're the man that can do it! You're here! You're really here!

1994

November 7

Vince McMahon: At this time, obviously conspicuous by his absence, is the “Macho Man” Randy Savage. And I’d like to announce, unfortunately, that Randy Savage has been unable to sign a contract with the World Wrestling Federation—not unable to, rather to come to terms with the World Wrestling Federation for a new contract. But Randy, I know you’re out there listening, and on behalf of all us here in the World Wrestling Federation, all of your fans, and certainly me, the number one fan, I’d like to say thank you for all of your positive contributions to the World Wrestling Federation. Thank you, Randy Savage, for all the wonderful memories for so many years here in the World Wrestling Federation. We wish you nothing but the best. God speed, and good luck.

1995

November 20

[Diesel comes out to the ring and interrupts a match between Savio Vega and Skip.]

Diesel: A lot of people are wondering where Big Daddy Cool's head's at right now. I thought about it and I thought maybe I'd come out here and apologize for what I did to Bret. For what I did to all my dear fans. I don't think so! You know, last night when I went back to my hotel room, I wondered if I could get any sleep. For the first time in a year, I slept like a baby! When I woke up this morning and I looked in the mirror, you know what I saw? I saw a smile on my face! It's the first time I saw myself smile in a year. As I saw myself, not some corporate puppet that you decided to create Vince! No. You missed the ball on this one, baby! You missed the ball. After I won the title, 24 hours later I'm up in Titan Tower with marketing suits, the merchandising suits. "Hey Diesel, we need you to smile a little bit. We need you to be a little more politically correct. A little more corporate." Well baby, what you saw last night was a tip of the iceberg! Big Daddy Cool's back! That same guy you saw in Providence at the Royal Rumble a couple of years ago. [Puts on his shades] The only thing that matters to me right now is my family, my friends, that includes you, Shawn Michaels! And I'm not saying I'm not going to smack hands, but it better have a black glove on it so I know that you're with me. Whether you like me, love me, or hate me, that's the way it's going to be. I'M BACK!

1996

February 19

[after Goldust walks out on Razor Ramon during their Intercontinental Championship match, getting himself counted out but keeping his title]

Razor Ramon [taking a microphone]: Hey yo! Cut the music! [his music stops] Everybody, listen...to me. Goldust...I don't want your belt. I want...your ass!

[the crowd cheers]

Vince McMahon: Well, we said it was RAW!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: What?!

Razor: You know...I've been hearing so much about...the return, of the "great one"; the legend from the glory days is back. He's our new president, Roddy "Rowdy" Piper.

Jerry: He's been knocked senseless, McMahon.

Razor: Well Piper, I heard you say one time...that you got six kids. And that makes you "Hot Rod". "Well, Razor...Razor, he loves the little kids." I love the kids, and Piper, you like me, you from the streets - different neighborhoods, same streets. I don't want my kids watching this kind of stuff on TV!

[the crowd cheers again]

Jerry: What's he saying, McMahon??

Razor: So Piper, the only thing missing, chico...is make a match! I want Goldust, anywhere, anytime! And Goldust! And Goldust, everybody knows...that you want me! You think I'm sexy? You think I'm hot? You right! So Piper, ooh, Roddy "Rowdy" Piper...okay, big shot, I challenge you, you the, uh...matchmaker...make me a match. Goldust, let's have a date. YEAH!!

Vince: Razor Ramon, ladies and gentlemen, obviously wants a rematch, with Goldust, and I'm not too sure that he's overly concerned with the title!

May 27

Vince McMahon: Alright, standing by, a very unhappy Ted DiBiase. Mr. DiBiase, you're not very happy at all with the latest turn of events, are you?

Ted DiBiase: [with Stone Cold Steve Austin] No, I'm not happy at all, McMahon. To say that Savio Vega's victory last night was a fluke, is an understatement. I mean, the lights were out. Who knows how many times Savio Vega touched the turnbuckles. What I'm saying is, there's no way on his best day Savio Vega defeats Stone Cold Steve Austin...

Vince: Well, you were counting on Savio being your chauffeur; that did not happen, and Savio Vega was victorious. Now, the rematch has been signed for tomorrow night, and again, it's going to be a Caribbean Strap match, and I would suggest that you still want Savio to...well, that provision, you still want to challenge him, do you?

Ted: I want to sweeten the pie, McMahon.

Vince: Sweeten the pie?

Ted: Savio Vega, you keep that stipulation in there, 'cause you're gonna be my chauffeur. And I'll tell you what. I'm so confident that this man is gonna beat you tomorrow night that I'll put a stipulation in there. If Steve Austin, if Stone Cold Steve Austin doesn't beat you tomorrow night, Savio Vega, the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase will forfeit his career! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation! Did you hear me, McMahon?! Did you hear me, Vega?! I will leave the World Wrestling Federation!

September 23

Jim Ross: In just a couple of minutes, I'm going to bring Big Daddy Cool, Diesel and Razor Ramon right out here. But before I do, I'd like to beg your indulgence for just a minute and tell you something I got on my mind. There's something I've been wanting to say for a long long time. And when I'm through telling you, many of you are going to question my loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation so let's clear that up right now. I have no loyalty to the World Wrestling Federation, I only got loyalty to good ol' J.R., and let me tell you why. In 1993, I left a great job in Atlanta, Georgia, and I left the Atlanta Falcons of the National Football League to go to the recognized leader of sports entertainment, the WWF. I came here to be the primary play-by-play man in the WWF. I don't think anybody here is going to disagree that I am the best play-by-play man in the whole damn business! So I show up for work the first day at WrestleMania IX in Las Vegas, Nevada, and they give me a sheet to wear. They said, "Oh it's going to be a toga. You'll look good in a toga, J.R." I leave the National Football League for a toga. It's crap! And then, ladies and gentlemen, I go to the first King of the Ring in Dayton, Ohio, and I guarantee you, you listen to that broadcast, I carried the broadcast from ringside. And then did you ever wonder where ol' J.R. went to? Why doesn't ol' J.R. do play-by-play anymore? Let me tell you why. Because the egotistical owner of the World Wrestling Federation—and you know who I'm talking about, I'm talking about Vince McMahon—couldn't stand the competition. So J.R. disappeared. And then on Super Bowl Sunday of 1994, I woke up with an affliction called Bell's Palsy, and my entire left side of my face looked like it had a stroke. You think I like that? You think I like that my left eye doesn't open all the way because I got sick? Well, let me tell you how warm-hearted Mr. McMahon is. Mr. McMahon called me into his office on February 11th, 1994, and he fired my ass! So I get back in my car and I drive into my home in that overpriced hellhole Connecticut, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my wife and my two little girls that their daddy had just got fired. And so then, remember when McMahon got indicted? They needed somebody to come back and do Raw? They called up J.R. and then they let me go again. So finally they called me back, hired me back for fifty cents on the dollar to come back and work for the front office. Do you think that all these guys leaving the WWF was an accident? Hell no, it's not! You think all these guys coming here was an accident? Absolutely not, I've been very busy. And right now, I want to bring back one of your favorites. He's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!

November 11

[Brian Pillman is being interviewed by Vince McMahon and Kevin Kelly at the Pillman house while Stone Cold Steve Austin is out looking for him]

Vince McMahon: Notwithstanding the bravado, do you feel like a hostage? Do you feel like a hostage in your own home?

Brian Pillman: Hah. Steve is a dead man walking, because when Austin 3:16 meets Pillman [draws and slides pistol on camera to everybody's shock] nine-millimeter Glock...

Kevin Kelly: Oh my God, oh my God!

Pillman: ...I'm gonna blast his sorry ass straight to hell!!

1997

January 20

[Bret Hart comes into the ring at the start of the show]

Bret Hart: There's something I gotta say!

Lawler: What's he doing out here?

Bret Hart: There's something I gotta say to you! [Points at Vince] You know, when I decided to come back to the World Wrestling Federation, you promised me that I would get an opportunity to fight for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. You put me in the ring with Stone Cold Steve Austin and said that if I could beat Stone Cold Steve Austin, that I would be the number one contender for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. Now don't you think it's just a little bit convenient that for some stupid reason, Shawn Michaels finds himself out at ringside announcing in my World Championship match with Sycho Sid? I don't think it was any kind of a coincidence either. So Shawn Michaels jumps up and sticks his nose in my business and costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship Belt with blatant interference. The Boy Toy costs me the championship and they go, "Oh that's okay. Don't worry about it, cause now you can go in the Royal Rumble and you only have to fight 29 other guys and then you'll get your opportunity for the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt." So I went in the ring, and it's very, very clear to me that I won the Royal Rumble and I should be getting a World Wrestling Federation Championship bout. Where is my opportunity? You know, the way I look at things right now, I've been screwed by Shawn Michaels the Boy Toy, I've been screwed by Stone Cold Steve Austin, I've been screwed by the World Wrestling Federation, and I've been screwed by you! (Vince) I don't like to make idle threats, but the way I see things, it doesn't look like I'm going to get my opportunity for a shot at the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. So I quit! (slams the microphone down.)

---

Steve Austin: You gonna get me a piece of equipment that works, son, or do I have to whip your ass? Bret Hart, you can sit there and bellyache and complain with the best of them, son. Ever since you came back, you ain't done nothing but cry! You sit there and talk about how Vince screwed you, how everybody screwed you, how I screwed you. The bottom line is, son, when the going gets tough, the Harts get going back home! Knock it off! Go on back to Canada, son, because the only person you can possibly beat is your wrinkled up old man in his little old basement. You talk about being jerked around, I've been jerked around for seven years, and then I get here. I'm supposed to face Sycho Sid tonight and some guy, a 350-pound buffoon that calls himself Gorilla Monsoon the commissioner says, "No, no. Sycho Sid is at home with a concussion." Sycho Sid may be at home with a concussion and an ice pack on his head, but he's also got a yellow stripe running right down the middle of his back. As far as Gorilla Monsoon goes, I got a big bunch of bananas and I can tell you where to stick each and every one of them. You want me to face The Undertaker, you can bring his dead ass out here, because I threw him over the top rope last night, and I'll do the exact same thing right now, so bring him out, I got something for him!

February 13 (Thursday RAW)

[Vince McMahon brings out Shawn Michaels, who talks about his recent woes]

Vince McMahon: I know you're just as disappointed, more so than anyone else, that you're not defending the WWF title against Sycho Sid, or for that matter whomever would have been stacked up against you. And no one has taken on more challengers, no one in the history, who has ever won this championship belt, has ever had the schedule, has ever had to endure the kind of schedule that you have so readily taken upon yourself.

Shawn Michaels: Well there's uh, one thing about me is I can't do anything halfway and I, and I come here and I hear the people and they chant uh, Sid's name or they chant Bret's name or they chant a lot of peoples' names, and one thing's for sure, you're going to have all of that in the future, um, and that's what I want for the World Wrestling Federation fans. In spite of, uh, what people may think about me, what I've always wanted for all these people is, is for them to have a good time and to enjoy themselves.

I've always tried to be the one to provide it whether it was on the good side or the bad side. But what was always important to me was the performance, was the performance so that these people, each time they reached in their pocket, they paid to get a WWF ticket, they didn't regret it because they knew that if they saw my name on the card they could yell, they could come and they could cheer and they could boo and they could do whatever they wanted as long as they had a good time.

Over the last couple of months, uh, there's been a lot of talk of people, uh, having bad attitudes and a lot revolving around this belt. Uh, all I know today is that one thing that's not going to revolve around this belt, for a long time, is going to be Shawn Michaels. I don't know where I'm at right now. I have to, uh, I have to have everything checked. I may have... I may be beyond reconstructive surgery. I may, or may not be able to fix it. But if I can't come back and perform at the level I performed at, before... I can't, I can't perform. I can't come out here and just go half-ass. I have to come out here and I have to romp and stomp and I have to get tossed around. I have to toss people around and I have to have fun.

The schedule over the last year I took on because I didn't feel like I could say no. I wanted to do everything. I wanted to enjoy my life as the WWF Champion. I wanted to, I wanted to ride in Learjets and ride in limousines and I wanted to be on TV shows and I wanted to do autograph sessions and I got to do every bit of that. If nothing else, I have all of that to take with me. Again, and I know right now we're in the middle of a time where toughness is real big here in the World Wrestling Federation, and unfortunately all I've got right now for you is a lot of sorrow, a lot of tears, and a lot of emotion. I don't have any toughness for anybody, so I guess, here you go, here's your belt. [gives Vince the WWF Championship]

What I'm going to do is go back home and see what's left for me; whether it'll be in this ring... whether it'll be out of this ring. I know that over the, uh, the last several months I've lost a lot of things and one of them has been my smile. And, and I know it doesn't mean a whole lot to everybody else, but it means a lot to me. So I have to go back and fix myself, and take care of myself, and I have to go back and I have to find my smile because somewhere along the line I lost it and I don't care, really, I don't care if it's unpopular, and I don't care if, uh, people want to make fun of me because I'm an emotional guy. But, um, this is all I've ever wanted to do and uh, over the last year I got to do it and whether you like me or not, I just want to tell you that, uh, last year was the most wonderful year of my life. And, uh, if I never do get to do it again, it'll be okay because I got to live one full year as being the number one guy in this business and it was the single greatest year of my life. And I have you to thank, and I have everybody here to thank, and it means a lot to me and, uh, I'm gonna go home now. Okay?

McMahon: Ladies and gentlemen, SHAWN MICHAELS!

March 3

[Vince is showing footage of the Final Four where Stone Cold Steve Austin inadvertently helped Bret Hart win the WWF Title, and later where he hit Bret with a steel chair, causing Sycho Sid to win the title the next night.]

Vince: Your response? Do you show any remorse, whatsoever, for your actions?

Steve Austin: The only remorse I got is that I didn't hit him harder with that steel chair! Bret Hart runs around talkin' about everybody's screwin' him. Hell, for the past seven years, I've been screwed, and it's the same old song! How come when Shawn Michaels hurts his knee, you make a video out of him? How come when Shawn Michaels gets sick, you tell the world that he's got the FLU?! Well, when I went to the Final Four, I was sick as a dog, and I had a blown out knee! Let me ask you a question: How many one-legged people can go 25 minutes with 3 of the top wrestlers in the world? NONE! Stone Cold Steve Austin went out there, and did just that! And I ain't making fun of no one-legged people, I'm sittin' here just tryin' to make a point. As far as I'm concerned, I truly am the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and can't nobody tell me different! Not you, or ANYBODY! As far as the Submission Match, it's a buncha bull! Bret Hart, he's supposed to be the big technician, the Sharpshooter. BIG DEAL! I don't know a whole lotta couple of submission moves, but it doesn't matter, because I'll beat the hell outta Bret Hart! And as far as Ken Shamrock says on TV the other day; "Oh, I don't know. Bret Hart's the better technician, but Stone Cold ain't got no quit in him." Well, you hit the nail right on the head, son, because I ain't got no quit in me at all! And you can bet your bottom dollar that Stone Cold ain't gonna look at the referee and say "I quit! I submit! I've had too much!" There ain't NOBODY... there ain't NOBODY in wrestling who can make me QUIT! And that's the bottom line, 'cuz Stone Cold SAYS SO!

Vince: Why of all this... why are you so bitter? Why this bitterness?!

Steve Austin: You treat me like a dog, and you expect me to SMILE? You remind me of a jackass!

March 17

[Bret Hart has just lost a WWF title cage match with Sycho Sid]

Jim Ross: We're back here ladies and gentlemen, a few more moments and Vince McMahon is going talk to a very, obviously a very consumate Bret Hart.

Vince: Bret Hart, you've got to be terribly frustrated. Extremely frustrated over what has just happened.

[Bret shoves Vince down and takes the mike]

Lawler: WHOA!!

Bret Hart: FRUSTRATED ISN'T THE GODDAMN WORD FOR IT!! THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!

Jim Ross: We apologize, ladies and gentlemen.

Bret Hart: YOU'VE SCREWED ME, EVERYBODY'S SCREWED ME AND NOBODY DOES A GODDAMN THING ABOUT IT! NOBODY IN THE BUILDING CARES, NOBODY IN THE DRESSING ROOM CARES, SO MUCH GODDAMN INJUSTICE AROUND HERE, I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE!!

Jim Ross: We apologize ladies and gentlemen.

Bret Hart: EVERYBODY KNOWS IT! I KNOW IT! EVERYBODY KNOWS IT! I SHOULD BE THE WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION CHAMPION!

Lawler: Get him out of the ring!

Bret Hart: EVERYBODY JUST KEEPS TURNING A BLINDS EYE! YOU KEEP TURNING A BLINDS EYE TO IT! I GOT THAT GORILLA MONSOON, HE TURNS A BLINDS EYE TO IT! EVERYBODY IN THAT GODDAMN DRESSING ROOM KNOWS THAT I'M THE BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE BEST THERE EVER WILL BE!

Lawler: Cut him off!

Bret Hart: AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TOUGH SHIT!!

---

Steve Austin: Conspiracy my ass Bret! All you want to do anytime you go in the ring is cry like a baby! I tried to go out there and help you and you threw it all away because you're a loser! It could have been you and me for the championship at WrestleMania, but you blew the whole damn thing because you're a loser! At WrestleMania, you will quit and one of these days when it's you and me for the title, you're looking at the next champ. AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

Bret Hart: [As Austin begins saying "At WrestleMania,...] You know why they call you Stone Cold? Because your stones are so cold, you won't come out here and step in the ring with me myself! You always got to jump me from behind! You haven't got the guts to come out here! COME ON!! Everybody knows whether it's Sycho Sid, [Sid comes out] If you think for one second that that belt belongs to you, you are wrong! It is my belt. You know it, I know it and everybody in this building knows it!

Sid: I don't know shit, crybaby!

Bret Hart: Come on!

---

[as Bret Hart brawls with Steve Austin and Undertaker brawls with Sid]

Vince: Bret Hart has snapped! Bret Hart thought for sure he would be the WWF champion and there's no conspiracy! Bret Hart, ladies and gentlemen is talking about a conspiracy. There is no conspiracy at all, only in his head and it's sad that a man as great as Bret Hart has resorted to this! This is not what we've talked about! This is not the legacy of Bret Hart! Not this! Not this bawling! Not this whining! Not this crying!

[officials pull Bret away from Austin]

Lawler: You're right! He's snapped McMahon! He's lost it! Get him out of here, drag him out!

[Bret nails Pat Patterson and goes back to Austin]

Vince: OH HE JUST HIT, HE JUST HIT HALL OF FAMER PAT PATTERSON!! THAT DIRTY ROTTEN SON OF A...!!

March 24

Vince: Ladies and gentlemen, joining us now, yes, from the ultimate fighting war... world, rather, yes, it is war, for sure. There is Ken Shamrock, and Mr. Shamrock, in your officiating last night, firstly, why did you stop the match?

Ken Shamrock: Well, you know, I was in the match, and Steve Austin was in a great deal of pain even throughout the whole match. I asked him several times; he did not respond. As far as I could see, he was unconscious, I had to stop the match in order to protect his body because he was in severe, severe shape. So that is why I stopped the fight.

Vince: Alright, but you did not hear him say the words, "I quit," did you? You did not hear him say the words, "I quit," did you?

Ken: No, the words weren't said, "I quit," but when a man goes unconscious and he cannot protect himself properly, that is why I was hired to do this match: was to make sure one man won. There was no cheating around, there was no holds here. And therefore, when Steve Austin passed out, he could not protect himself. So therefore, that is why I stopped the fight.

Vince: Alright, but then, as he could not protect himself, "The Hitman" Bret Hart, after the match was officially over, went back and attacked Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Ken: Yes, he did. And, you know, throughout the match there, there was a lot of dishing out pain going on in there, but one of the things that I guess I had to step in on was because after Stone Cold was on the mat, he was passed out and really could not protect himself, the reason why I stopped the match, Bret Hart decided to take it upon himself to go in there and put more pain upon him. And from what I could see, he was trying to end Stone Cold Steve Austin's career. I had to step in and stop that.

Vince: Indeed. Well, the Hitman wanted no part of you, no doubt about that. Let me ask you, as far as your opinion of Stone Cold Steve Austin. What is your opinion of him as far as last night' match is concerned?

Ken: Well, you know, particularly... me and Steve Austin have had some harsh words in the past. I particularly really don't care for him much. But there's one thing you cannot take from this man. Let me tell you, he went through a lot of pain, and there was no quit in that man. He kept fighting and fighting. You got to give him that, he is one tough character. I've seen a lot of tough people going through my life, going through the no holds barred competitions, and this guy is by far one of the toughest guys that I've seen.

Vince: All right, thank you very much for joining us.

---

Bret Hart: First of all, I wanna apologize. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Germany. I'd like to apologize to all my fans over in Great Britain. Actually, I like to apologize to all my fans all over Europe. All over Japan and the far east. I like to apologize to my fans in the middle east. All the way as far down as South Africa. And I especially like to apologize for all my great fans in Canada.

And to you, my great fans across the United States of America...to you, I apologize for nothing! You know, it seems real strange to me that no matter how much I try that when I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin to a bloody pulp, I thought to myself, no matter how much I win, when I walked back to the dressing room. The way you American fans treat me across the United States of America, I feel like I lost. I mean I took a gutless creep like Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, even though he knows, and you all know that he lost, you cheer him on the way back to the dressing room like he won!

You know it didn't just start right here. Let's go back to WrestleMania last year when I was the World Wrestling Federation Champion. When that belt was around my waist and where it belonged. You cheered on a pretty boy like Shawn Michaels and you allowed him to screw me out of the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt. I found myself sitting at home watching the WWF on TV in Canada and saying to myself, "The World Wrestling Federation needs a hero, they need a role model. They need someone to look up to." Not somebody who has earrings all over himself and tattoos. Not somebody who poses for girly magazines. By the way, I don't think it was a girly magazine, I think it was a gay magazine! So I felt this calling to come back to set the record straight and clean up the World Wrestling Federation. So I came back in the Survivor Series and I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin there and I think I garnered a little bit of respect. Then I found myself stepping in the ring with Sycho Sid and your hero, your pride and joy Shawn Michaels costs me the World Wrestling Federation championship belt. Nobody cared! Nobody did anything about it! You people didn't do anything about it.

They say "Oh, don't worry about that. You can get in line with 29 other guys and you can go in the Royal Rumble." So being the man that I am, I got no problem fighting 29 other guys. So I went in the Royal Rumble, and I won. I was the last legal man standing in the Royal Rumble. But again, everyone just turns their back on it. You somehow justify in your minds that Stone Cold Steve Austin won. You know, a better man would've quit. Maybe I should have quit and gone home.

Vince: You did Bret, that's what you threatened.

Bret Hart: I got Gorilla Monsoon and Vince McMahon on their hands and knees begging me to come back. "Don't quit! Think of your fans." Well, I thought of my fans and I came back. And they come up with this idea for the Final Four. The winner of the Final Four will get a World Wrestling Federation title fight at WrestleMania 13. That sounds good to me. So I accept, I came back. Then all of a sudden, your champion, your hero, Shawn Michaels comes up with this life ending, career ending knee injury and he forfeits the title so he can go home and find his smile. But that's okay, you people think that that's just fine. I see people in the audience crying for that. You talk about me crying. So I go into the Final Four with the outcome now being that whoever wins the Final Four will now be the World Wrestling Federation Champion. And who won the Final Four? I did. Right in the middle of the ring, I defeated three other guys in one night. I defeated Vader, I defeated Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I defeated the Undertaker, and I became the World Wrestling Federation Champion for a fourth time. Then they come up to me and go "Well wait a minute! You don't get to rest even though you fought three other guys, even though you're beat up and sore. You got to go in the ring and fight 6'9" Sycho Sid, and defend the title." Do you think I ran and hid? Do you think and found me forfeiting any titles? NO! I put the title on the line and I took Sycho Sid and I tied him in a big knot right in the middle of the ring. There he was in the Sharpshooter after being booed all the way through the match by my American wrestling fans, you somehow justify, only in America you can do this, Stone Cold Steve Austin climbs into the ring and whacks me in the back of the head with a chair. Somehow, you justify that that's okay, that's acceptable in America.

So I ask, or as you see it, I cried to Gorilla Monsoon. I asked and I begged and I pleaded and I said "Give me Stone Cold Steve Austin. Give me a match with this guy who seems to be making my life a miserable hell." So I got Stone Cold Steve Austin and they agree to a match, a submission match. And then they go, "Wait, we have some even better news for you. We will give you Sycho Sid in a 15-foot high steel cage match and no one will be able to interfere in that and you will have your shot at the World Wrestling Federation championship belt because we respect you." Well in that match, outside interference played a big factor again and somehow for some reason, The Undertaker is out there and he finds himself slamming my head in the door and he costs me the World Wrestling Federation Championship belt for the 5th time.

So I got one thing on my mind. After being screwed over by everybody in the World Wrestling Federation, after being abandoned by all you good fans right here in the United States of America, I decide that I'm going to go into this submission match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and give him every bit of what he deserves, just a good old fashioned ass whipping. And so when I do it, when I actually take that lousy stinking hyena Stone Cold Steve Austin and beat him to a bloody pulp, you somehow find it in your hearts to abandon me and cheer for him.

You know, I've proven myself so many times in the World Wrestling Federation and I've tried to be everything that you wanted me to be that it seems to me that you don't understand. You don't understand what it means to have dignity, to have poise, to bring prestige to the World Wrestling Federation, to be a man that brings a little class. Because you rather cheer for heroes like Charles Manson and O.J Simpson. Nobody glorifies criminal conduct like the Americans do and all the countries around the world, they still respect what's right and what's wrong. Respect. Now that we made everything real clear with ourselves tonight, it's obvious to me that all you wrestling fans coast to coast, you don't respect me. Well the fact is, I don't respect you. You don't deserve it. So from here on in, the American wrestling fans coast to coast can KISS MY ASS!!

---

[Shawn Michaels comes out to the ring]

Shawn Michaels: Yo, Hitman! Let's get one thing perfectly straight. You can come out here and say whatever you want about me. Everyone does. And you don't have to explain to me or the World Wrestling Federation that you would never give up the WWF title because no one knows better than me or the WWF that it takes a hand written note from the lord almighty to take that belt from you. But Bret, what you don't understand is just because I come out here and choose to live my life openly and freely instead of putting a facade like you does not make a you a better man Bret. I am well aware of my faults. I can admit them up and down the line. And as far as Steve Austin is concerned, Bret, I was there last night. He didn't give up, alright? Now I'm no fan of Steve Austin but he passed out and even you have to admit somewhere in there, there's gotta be some of the old Hit Man left, even you have to admit that he is one tough S.O.B. Now Bret, I have tried and tried and tried to take the high road and I am in no shape to wrestle and I know, you're tougher than me blahblahblah, whole thing. I admit that, that's fine. I don't have to be number one Bret. I don't obsess like you do. I do it because I like it. You do this because in your mind, marked man, you really think that all of this is yours! Now what you need to understand is that every time they reach into their pocket to watch you, me or anybody else is that they have the right to cheer or boo anybody that they want! Now, hey, you don't have to tell me "They're cheering me now." But they've booed me before. But you didn't see me getting all bent out of shape about it. You wanna know why Bret? It's because in this country, we something that's called the first amendment. And that amendment allows us to live our lives as we sit fit as long as it's causing harm to no one. If that guy there wants to stick a belly button piercing through his navel he can do it whether you like it or not! If that girl over there chooses to go out with someone you don't you approve of, "Tough kitty" said the kittie if she's going to do it! Now I'm going to get on my high and mighty roller coaster Bret. But you my friend, you gotta look at this, I'm in no shape to go. But if you want to go? What the hell? Let's go now.

Vince: Don't tell me. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. Shawn is in no condition to wrestle here.

Lawler: Then what's he doing out there?

Vince: Because he's got more guts than brains.

Lawler: Right.

Shawn Michaels: Do you know something? We've got a saying in the United States in American and it's called "America, Love it or Leave it!"

Bret Hart: Shawn Michaels, Boy Toy, I think you should go back to the dressing room, get the hell out of my face.

Shawn Michaels: You know me, Bret, I'm not real good with authority. By the way, how did you know I was in that girly magazine? You couldn't help yourself, could you? You had to flip through the pages just a little bit!

[Bret attacks Shawn in the injured knee and puts him in the figure four around the ring post.]

---

[Bret comes back out to do commentary during the Rocky Maivia/Leif Cassidy match-up]

Vince: What has made you snap, Bret Hart?

Bret Hart: I haven't snapped, I just opened my eyes.

Vince: What?!

Bret Hart: I call it opening my eyes! Why don't you open yours? Everybody in this building, they sit here and they cheer on Stone Cold Steve Austin, all these guys that set no example for anybody anywhere. And they have the nerve to actually cheer these guys on? Undertaker, there's a great role model. You know, I've had it up to here; I think people should open their eyes. I was the guy going to the ring every night wearing a white hat, trying to be a good person. Trying to be someone they could look up to.

Vince: [As Shawn Michaels is shown being carried to an ambulance.] There's a good person. Look what you just did, Shawn Michaels.

Bret Hart: Hey, I didn't ask him to come to the ring! I was trying to make a point and that is the point right there. Look at the screen, that is the point. I've had it up to here! Understand? Very simple.

Vince: I think we do. But again, I don't understand the logic. I don't understand why you're throwing away your legacy! You're throwing it away! You're flushing your legacy down the toilet, Bret!

Bret Hart: I didn't flush any legacy down any toilet. My toilet was flushed by all these people right here in this building. Not just in this building, but every building that I've wrestled in in the last three or four months. The only place I went to where I got a little respect was in Germany or England. Everywhere else-- or Canada. But in the United States of America, little kids holding up signs going "You suck!" You know what? I don't suck, they do!

Vince: It's almost as if you're at war with yourself.

Bret Hart: No, I'm not at war. Hey I feel like I got a million pounds off my chest. You want to see bad? I'll show you bad. Bad is something that you have never seen the likes of. You want to talk about wickedly bad? I'll show you wickedly bad! [runs into the ring and attacks Rocky Maivia]

June 30

Paul Bearer: "Well, we're gonna have to go back a few years, Mr. McMahon. About 20 years to be exact. We're talking about a little funeral home, sitting up on a hill – beautiful old trees all around – and a wonderful, wonderful family-owned funeral home. The family lived upstairs. The father was a mortician who ran the funeral home. The mother was the secretary, the receptionist. But there were two little kids there. One kid was a little red headed punk. And then there was a second kid – a sweet little kid named Kane. Now I was the apprentice at the funeral home. I worked under the red headed punk's father, who by now you properly know as The Undertaker. The Undertaker's father was a mortician of excellence. He told me everything I know. He told me the correct way to prepare a body for burial, how to do the make-up, how to deal with the families. He told me from A to Z. But while I was working on the funeral home, I've seen a lot of things going on, that shouldn't been happening.

This little red-headed punk, there was nothing funny about him. He had a look in his eye – the look of the devil! It was the devil's see if you know what I mean. What was so sad about the whole situation, is that poor little Kane, the little brother followed The Undertaker around everywhere he went. The Undertaker was little Kane's hero. Anything The Undertaker did was fine. It went on for about two years, my apprenticeship. I was at the college that night taking courses at Mortuary Science at the same time. The Undertaker and Kane would run around the funeral home like wild men. They had three reigning properties. They'd sneak out behind the garage. I'd see what they were doing. Their mom and daddy wouldn't see what they were doing but I saw what they were doing. I saw them, taking chemicals out of the embalming room in that funeral home. I saw them sneaking behind the garage, smoking cigarettes - when they were little kids.

But you know, one particular afternoon I was leaving to go to school. As I backed my car out of the funeral home, I looked behind and who do I see? That red head devil-seen Undertaker with his little brother. Something wasn't funny – it ain't. Something didn't seem right. But I went ahead and to the drive way, went to school. I came back from school about ten o'clock that night. And what do I see? I see fire trucks. I see ambulance. I see steam and smoke and I see that funeral home in ashes. Someone burnt down the funeral home. Inside that funeral home was this lovely family that took care of me. I looked over to the bushes. Who did I see in the bushes but The Undertaker? Undertaker, you burnt the funeral home to the ground. And along with the funeral home, you killed your parents. You killed your family, Undertaker! I know it. I've had to stick that on my inside all my life – 20 years. You've killed them. Undertaker, you are a MURDERER! YOU ARE A MURDERER! YOU'RE A GOD-DAMN MURDERER!

July 7

Bret Hart: A few weeks ago, I was told ‘America: love it or leave it.’ Well, I’ve traveled all around the world, I’ve been all over the United States of America, and the one thing that I’ve in particular looked forward to is loving leaving it!

---

[after Stone Cold Steve Austin defeats Hunter Hearst Helmsley thanks to interference from Mankind, whom Helmsley hit in the head with a steel chair. Austin grabs a microphone]

Jim Ross: This could be damning.

Vince McMahon: I hope he doesn’t say anything to the Canadians.

Steve Austin: Get your ass up, you long-haired freak!

McMahon: He’s talking - he’s talking to, to Mankind.

Austin: There ain’t no way one chair can keep your ass down, get in the ring! [Mankind crawls into the ring] You come out here every week, saying “Pick me, Steve! Pick me, Steve!”. I’ll lay it on the line for you, you piece of trash: I don’t like you one bit! But I’ll damn sure go to war with you, if that’s what you want. All you gotta do is shake my hand, and we’re a tag team.

Jerry Lawler: Whoa!

Ross: Well, I guess the man with the personality of a rattlesnake is softening a little bit.

Lawler: Finally Mankind gets what he wants!

Ross: All Mankind ever wanted was to be accepted.

[Mankind outstretches his arms]

Lawler: He don’t want a handshake, he wants a hug!

[Mankind and Austin share a big hug]

McMahon: I can’t believe it. Another moment in the WWF. Mankind, now a partner - [suddenly Austin gives Mankind the Stone Cold Stunner] - oh!

Ross: No! No! Not the Stunner! Damn him!

Austin: DTA, you stupid piece of trash! Don’t ever trust nobody! You ain’t gonna be my partner, never, ‘cause you’re a long-haired freak, and you suck! [drops the microphone and raises his arms for the crowd]

McMahon: My! Can’t believe that!

[Austin leaves the ring and walks up the ramp to the cheers of the crowd]

Ross: Well, if you’d like to have a pet rattlesnake, I’ll give you Austin’s phone number!

McMahon: Thank you, no. This capacity crowd-

Mankind [grabbing the microphone]: Austin! Austin!! I was just looking for a little bit of respect. I was looking for a friend, and you’ve ruined that all!!

Austin [from the top of the entrance ramp, grinning]: Damn right!

Mankind: So it’s become very apparent, that drastic measures will be taken! Because, next week, well, I’m going to have to do something I never thought I’d do again. [Austin leaves] And it will become very obvious that the World Wrestling Federation will never be the same! Steve Austin, you will never be the same! And without a doubt next week, Mankind...will NEVER BE THE SAME!!! [whimpers]

August 4

Vince: Well, I guess maybe that pretty much tells you something - a mixed reaction by this capacity crowd. And there is no doubt whether you did your job or you didn't do your job, but if it haven't had been for you, the Undertaker might still be the World Wrestling Federation Champion.

Shawn: So let me get this straight. You, the Undertaker, Bret "The Hitman" Hart and — the best that I can tell — all of the fans of the World Wrestling Federation are dumpin' this in my lap!

Vince: I don't know if that's necessarily fair...

Shawn: Shut up! Because you know something? It's just like you, it's just like Bret Hart and whether anybody in this arena likes it or not, it's just like all the fans of the World Wrestling Federation to not take responsibility for themselves and pass the buck on to the Heartbreak Kid because everybody knows I don't give a damn what anybody thinks of me! Shut up!

I went out there last night, for the first time in my career put on a referee's shirt and did one hell of a job. I called it down the middle. Right or wrong?

Vince: Yes, you did.

Shawn: Exactly.

Vince: May I ask you a pertinent question, please?

Shawn: Yeah, cough it up!

Vince: Alright, it's on a lot of people's minds. It's something like this — it's controversial as it always is: Are you in any way in cahoots with Bret Hart? As preposterous as that may sound, a lot of people are wondering that.

Shawn: You know, I've always known you are a nimrod, but now you have convinced me that you are the dumbest sonofabitch I've ever met in my life.

Vince: Well, first of all, I don't appreciate that. Let's get that straight, okay?

Shawn: Ooohh, shoot me while I shudder in my loafers, McMahon!

Vince: Well you just might be shuddering come September 7, when you step into this ring with the Undertaker. That's when you gonna be shuddering! You can take this here.

Shawn: Get your ass out of here! [Vince leaves] You can move it or lose it, McMahon! Let me tell everybody what the story is. I am not in any way, shape or form in cahoots with Bret Hart. It is no secret that Bret Hart doesn't like me, Bret Hart doesn't respect me, but one thing is for damn sure, Bret Hart needs me! Because I am the only man in the World Wrestling Federation that has beat his ass! And that is the truth!

And Undertaker... Undertaker, you and I, for as long as we've been in the World Wrestling Federation have never crossed paths. EXCEPT FOR NOW!

Crowd: [chanting] Michaels sucks!

Shawn: Oh, I'm gonna tell you people something. Undertaker, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels lays down for absolutely no one! I don't do it for Bret Hart, I don't do it for you, I don't do it for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation, I don't do it for anybody. Undertaker, the next time you see Shawn Michaels, his Super...

Crowd: You suck!

Shawn: Ten years! Ten years I've given you, and this is the respect that you give me. Each and everyone of you can go to hell! Undertaker, the next time you'll see me, my Superkick is gonna be one foot down your throat!

August 18

Jim Ross: Steve, I want to thank you for allowing us to come to your hotel room here, I know you've got a very busy and a very crucial 24-hour period here in Philadelphia, seeing a specialist tomorrow about your neck, but thanks for giving us a little of your time.

Steve Austin: Well you're welcome for the time, but if you're here to ask a bunch of questions, you might as well start asking, otherwise I'll throw your ass out the window. And to come to the hotel room, this ain't a hotel room that I would stay at! You know, when I got hurt at SummerSlam, when I got dumped on my head, no one called me and said, "Hey, Steve, you okay?" No one ever sent a card, nothin' like that. Not that I would expect it, but at least I would have, you know, maybe a call just to see what the hell's goin' on with the hottest damn wrestler in the world, but I got nothin'! So the WWF sees fit to put me in a room like this, with all this fruit and trash like this, you want a pear? [Starts tossing fruit at Jim Ross] You want an apple? You want a banana or somethin'? Here, make yourself at home, man! [Austin tosses the entire fruit basket at Ross] But if you got questions to ask, you go ahead and ask 'em, 'cause I'm gettin' a little tired of you!

Jim Ross: I'd like you to address three things, if you don't mind.

Steve Austin: Sure.

Jim Ross: One is SummerSlam, your paralysis after being driven in the mat from the Tombstone by Owen Hart; the second thing is what the doctors have told you; and thirdly, and lastly, what you perceive your future to be here in the WWF.

Steve Austin: Well, let's start with SummerSlam. The bottom line is I'm the Intercontinental Champion. Right?

Jim Ross: Right.

Steve Austin: Well, that's that. But aside from that, at the end of the match, close to the end of the match when Owen Hart dumped me on my head - you figure I weight 245, 250, bam, you get planted in the mat, shit happens! And that's, for basically about 50 seconds there, I couldn't move my arms or my legs, and I didn't know if I ever would move again! It felt pretty damn scary, so, um, you know, I'm through with that, looking past that, I've watched that on tape probably 30 or 40 times and it still sucks every time I see it! But I'm over it, and I'm movin' around, and I'm happy about that! But Owen Hart has got hell to pay! You get dumped on your head, you get in the position that I was put in, it ain't worth a damn. And I, I'm just, uh, a little bit pissed off No, I'm not a little pissed off, I'm a whole lot pissed off, but you know what they say, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on. But Owen Hart's got hell to pay when I come back, and as you say, you've got another question, what was the other question?

Jim Ross: The doctors, you've seen several doctors...

Steve Austin: I've seen a couple of doctors, and one guy said, uh, uh, "Maybe you should do something else." Well, Steve Austin doesn't do anything else, what I do is wrestle, and I'm the best wrestler in the world, and can't nobody tell me different! So I'm supposed to see the top guy, uh, the top spine guy in the country tomorrow here in Philadelphia, and see what he has to say, and it doesn't matter really what he says, the end result, the decision's mine! He can sit there and say, "Don't do this, try not to do this," whatever, but the bottom line is I'm the one that makes the decision, so I'll sit there, rethink things, and go from there. But regardless of what he says, Owen Hart's got hell to pay! You know, when you do something to...when you do what he did to me, you know, if it's my last step in life, you can damn well bet he's gonna get the shit kicked out of him one way or the other, and that's it. You know, I don't know when, where or how, or what, but it's gonna happen.

As far as my future - don't sit there and try to butt in because I'm talkin', right? Okay, as far as my future goes, hell, like I said, I'll listen to what the doctor says, but I'm gonna do what I want. The future for Steve Austin, as far as I'm concerned, is to put on his black trunks and black boots and show up. Im'ma take a few days off, I'll probably take a few weeks off, because, you know, when you're sittin' there at the house, you watch a film of, uh, you gettin' paralyzed for another 50 seconds, you watch that 30 or 40 times, you know, it kinda, you get a little depressed! So I drank a few cases of beer, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I just ride around in my Ford, drink a few beers and sit there and think about it. But, uh, I'm gonna go see this doctor and see what he has to say, and, but as far as I'm concerned, the only way I can see my future is to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, continue on right through the top in the WWF, just like I've done since I've been here! All the damn bureaucratic red tape, all the bullshit I've been through, it's taken me eight years to get where I'm at right now! If you think for one split second that a piledriver's gonna stop me, it ain't gonna happen. Did it slow me down? Damn right, but it ain't gonna stop me. Ground Zero, Sub-Zero, whatever the hell you wanna call it, Louisville, I'll be there! Whether it's to hand the belt over, if I decide maybe it's time to hang it up, I'll do that! I don't think that's gonna happen. I think when, uh, Ground Zero rolls around, you'll see Stone Cold - don't wipe your nose, it pisses me off - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin - and don't smile - you'll see Stone Cold Steve Austin in a black pair of trunks and a black pair of boots, and I'll be out there whippin' somebody's ass! I don't know what kind of match it is, it's some kind of little, uh, four tag teams of some kind of shit like that, is that right?

Jim Ross: That's right.

Steve Austin: Okay, well, I'll be there! And... what gets me is, is that Steve Austin's in a new level now, because, you know, if,if I was pissed off before, I'm a lot more pissed off now, and that makes me even more dangerous, not a liability, and that's the bottom line! You got anything else you wanna say?

Jim Ross: No sir.

Steve Austin: Then get the hell out.

September 22

[Before the police arrest Austin, Vince comes into the ring]

Vince: What’s the matter with you?! Get ahold of yourself!

Lawler: Arrest him!

Vince: [To the police] Just give me a minute. Just give me a minute! [To Austin] What is the matter with you? You had to forfeit the Intercontinental title, the Tag Team title, of course everybody can understand why you’re upset. I can understand you being upset not being able to compete, I can understand that. But don’t break the law!

Lawler: He already did...look at this!

Jim Ross: Stone Cold's not gonna win this fight with New York City's finest.

Vince: Don't you understand? Don’t you understand why you’re not allowed to compete? Can’t you get that through your head? Don’t you know why? Don’t you know that you’re not physically able to compete? Your doctors say you’re not ready. If you compete, you could injure yourself for good! You could wind up paralyzed! And the WWF is not gonna stand by and let you do that to yourself. These people don’t want you to wind up in a wheelchair! They wanna see you compete. Everybody wants to see you compete. But in due time, Steve. In due time. [Austin looks at his watch]

Lawler: Listen to McMahon, get the violins.

Vince: Get ahold of yourself.

Jim Ross: He's telling the truth. Makes all the sense in the world.

Lawler: [indicating the cops] He'd better be talking to those guys over there. I say put him in the slammer!

Vince: Listen, don’t you know people care? In the World Wrestling Federation, we care. They care, they care about you, that’s all it is. And you just gotta go with it. In other words, you simply, you gotta work within the system. That’s all you gotta do, is just work within the system.

Steve Austin: You know as well as I do that this is what I do for a livin’. This is all that I do, and can’t nobody tell I ain’t the best in the damn world. Don’t even say nothin’. Don’t say nothin’. You sit here and tell me to work within the system. You ain’t the one sittin’ on your ass in the house like I am. But if that’s what it takes to make you or the World Wrestling Federation happy, hell, I feel like Cool Hand Luke. I’ll work within your stupid little system.

Vince: That's all that these people a—

Steve Austin: I appreciate the fact that you and the World Wrestling Federation care. And I also appreciate the fact...that, hell, you can kiss my ass!

[Austin kicks McMahon in the gut and Stuns him]

Jim Ross: Oh, God! Oh my God!

Lawler: Put him in jail! Put him in jail right now!

---

[Hunter Hearst Helmsley is waiting for his match with Dude Love with a chain in hand, but the Dude appears on the TitanTron]

Dude Love: Oh, ho ho ho ho! Owww, have mercy! Hunter and especially your finer Chyna, I know what you must be thinking. 'Dude, what are you doing back here, when you should be out there kicking some heavy duty booty all over The Garden?' Hunter, my man, I do believe it's time we had a little rap, ho-ho. Because you see, Falls Count Anywhere— Well, that not exactly my bag, baby. The pinfalls in the hot dog stands, the pinfalls in the street, the chairs, the tables, it's not exactly a Love thing. But I know somebody, daddy, who's bag it indeed is. He's my man, he's my main man, you might even say, well daddy, he's a kind man. A kooky type of cat, let's bring him out right now.

[Mankind's music plays as Mankind walks into the picture]

Dude Love: Ho ho, Mankind, my main mandible— up high big man, down low— Owww, you're too slow, ho ho. Mankind, good to have you at the Love Shack.

Mankind: Hi, Dude. Thanks for having me here.

Dude Love: The pleasure's all mine.

Mankind: You really are eye candy for the chicks, Dude.

Dude Love: That much I know, Daddy, but you gotta tell me about this wacky match: Falls Count Anywhere.

Mankind: Dude, as much as I've dreamed about destroying Hunter Hearst Helmsley...

Dude Love: I know you have.

Mankind: ...as many horrible things as I'd like to do to him...

Dude Love: I know you can.

Mankind: I know someone who dreams about it even more.

Dude Love: Who is it, Manny?

Mankind: Someone who's willing to do even worse things than I have.

Dude Love: Oh no, are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

Mankind: I think I am thinking what you think I think you're thinking.

Dude Love: Can you bring him out, Manny?

Mankind: Here he comes.

Dude Love: Where is he?

Mankind: CACTUS JACK... IS BACK!

[Cactus Jack walks into the picture carrying a trash can, Helmsley loses it with the referee]

Dude Love: Somebody spank me, I thought he was dead!

Mankind: He's alive. HE'S ALIVE!

Cactus Jack: Don't blink. It may be the darkest day of your life, because it's Madison Square Garden, and Mrs. Foley's little boy...is finally home. BANG BANG!

Dude Love: [overlappping] Bye bye, Hunter, have fun! Owww, have mercy!

Jerry Lawler: What in the world!?

Jim Ross: [overlapping] Oh my God. Drastic times call for drastic measures!

[A garbage bin is thrown from off-curtain, followed by a large broom before Cactus Jack enters with a trash can]

Jim Ross: And for a man, that has wrestled on nails, and barbed wire and set himself on fire, this will be a day at Central Park!

October 6

[Paul Bearer is at the ring with Kane, who just trashed the Hardy Boyz]

Paul Bearer: Now that I have your undivided attention— Yes, laugh at the fat man. Go ahead! Here's your chance. Go ahead and laugh at me. Stand up, call me names, do what you wanna do. Here's your chance. The one you should be laughing at is your so-called phenom. The one you should be laughing at is your hero, The Undertaker. The proof is here. I tried to go back to The Undertaker, he wouldn't take me back. I had to do what I had to do. He slapped me around, he called me a liar. He burned me! Burned!

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me present to you, The Undertaker's little brother: Kane! Look close, Undertaker. The whole world saw your face last night, when you stood for the first time in twenty years face-to-face with your own brother. We can all tell by the look in your eyes that you knew it was him. Yes, oh yes, he's alive. Look at his eye, Undertaker. He's missing an eye. And it's your fault! The 20 years of suffering, the 20 years of hiding-out is now over. And we have you to thank, Undertaker.

Undertaker, this is your Stop sign on your highway to eternity. Starting with these boys tonight, we are gonna walk through the World Wrestling Federation, take each one, each wrestler, one by one and destroy them. Until we reach you! You, Undertaker. That is why Kane is here. And we have you to thank. Every time you look around, you're going to see your brother behind you. Every time you close your eyes to go to sleep, you're going to remember that terrible night. The fire! Oh yes, the fire. Undertaker, welcome to your worst nightmare.

---

Shawn: [waiting for footage from Badd Blood] Now I know we don't have any brain surgeons in that truck, but this is a television studio per se. Do you think, Vince McMahon, you could get one of those idiots in your truck to send out my performance at Badd Blood? [Footage appears on TitanTron...] All right, here we go... [...not of Badd Blood, but of the MSG "Curtain Call."] Whoa. Wait a minute!

Hunter Hearst-Helmsley: [both feigning shock] Oh my God, what is that?

Shawn: That's not Badd Blood, that's...

Hunter: That's Madison Square Garden!

Shawn: That's May 19th, Madison Square Garden!

Hunter: That's you, Shawn!

Shawn: And that's...that's...that's Razor!

Hunter: And Big Daddy Cool Diesel!

Shawn: But who's that...that's you, Triple H! Wait a minute! Hey, you were a bad guy, I was a good guy!

Vince: What is this?

Hunter: You were a good guy, I was a bad guy!

Shawn: What were you doing in there? That's...wait a minute! Wait a minute...that was supposed to be Vince McMahon's biggest day—the first time Madison Square Garden had been sold...aw, it's off the screen. Oh, Vin-man, what's the matter? That subject's still a little too sensitive for you, big man. [Both get out of ring and approach Vince at announcers' desk] Vinnie Mac, what's the matter? Come on, what's the matter? Is your dad rolling over in his grave? The family traditions in the McMahon...has it come to an end because me and my buddies made an ass out of ya? Come on, you were an ass long before I made one out of ya!

---

Jim Cornette: This is Jim Cornette, and the views that I'm about to express are not necessarily those of anybody else but me. But they oughta be. And as a matter of fact, they probably are.

You know, a lot of things in the wrestling world make me cranky these days, especially the way some talent is treated and some talent is looked at by not only the promoters, but the wrestling fans as well. For example, a man like Arn Anderson who just had to retire from this sport, after giving it his entire life, because of an injury that he suffered; a guy like "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, who in my opinion, is one of the greatest talents in the history of this business; guys like Mankind, Cactus Jack, Dude Love, whatever you want to call him. Great talents in the WWF or WCW.

But who gets a lot of the attention, from the wrestling fans especially? Guys like the NWO, the New World Order. You know, all the fans think these guys are so cool and so sweeeeet, and so funny. Well, as far as I'm concerned, the NWO is like a bunch of guys meeting out in the backyard in a clubhouse in a tree. They're guys who, all they have to do... They got the easiest job in the world... All they have to do is go out there and be themselves—childish, obnoxious, adolescent guys with a case of severe arrested emotional development, and a fixation on trying to act macho.

You got a guy like Kevin Nash, 40 years old, trying to act like a teenager. Far as I'm concerned, the biggest no-talent in the business. He's got six moves, no mobility, and enough timing to cover up for some of it. But what he does is he goes around and he manipulates. Kevin Nash had a multi-million dollar promotional company, the WWF, push him to the moon to make him a star, and then what does he do? He leaves—after he gives his word he's staying, so by the way, he's a liar, too—he leaves and he goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.

You got a guy like Scott Hall, who's a good wrestler, but "good" is about it. He's the best of the bunch. But he had the same million dollar promotional company make him a star, after he'd been in the business 10 years without putting three asses in a seat. And what does he do? He goes to WCW for a big contract. Why? More on that later.

And then you got a guy... Syxx, 1-2-3 Kid, his name's Sean Waltman. Whatever you want to call him. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason that he's employed is because the other guys think that he's funny when he gets drunk and throws up on himself. He has the distinction, in case you haven't noticed, of being the only guy since this "wrestling war" got started, that was released from a valid contract from one company to go to the other side, which shows you how valuable he is.

You know why they're all employed? Why they're all in the spot they are today? Because of Eric Bischoff. The boss of WCW, not the NWO. Look at the credits on their PPV if you can get one for free! The idiot's name is on it! He's the boss of WCW, he works for Ted Turner, and he throws a billionaire's money around, just like water, so he can have guys that he likes to hang out with.

Because, even more than being a mark—yeah, for his own face and his own voice—Eric Bischoff is a guy who's a big fan of hanging around studly guys with long hair and beards, that smoke cigars, and ride Harleys. So that some of that can rub off on his little pansy-ass frame. So he takes that billionaire's money, and he throws that around like water to buy guys that he can hang around, to prove that his johnson is bigger than everybody else's. And that's the sole reason the NWO guys are employed.

I think, me personally, that it's about time that the wrestling fans and the promoters, all of them in this business, start recognizing guys like "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, like Arn Anderson, like Cactus Jack. Guys who bust their ass, who work hard, and have ability and have talent to get where they are, instead of a bunch of guys that get to their spot by hanging around with the boss and sucking up. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

October 13

Bret: [to Shawn and Hunter on the TitanTron] Why don't you two degenerates come down here right now and step in the ring with me right now? Either one of you, I don't care! Either one of you, right now!

Shawn: Is he challenging me?

Hunter: Is he challenging us?

Shawn: Now regularly, regularly I would take him up on his challenge. But you know why I'm not gonna? You know why I'm not gonna? I'll tell you why. Because the last time I took him up on a challenge was WrestleMania, and I beat his ass for that stupid piece of tin he's got on his shoulder; and at Survivor Series, I'm gonna take that stupid piece of tin you got on your shoulder once again. I've beaten you, I've beaten your brother, I've beat both your brother-in-laws, and I'll beat up your whole family if you get in my face one more time.

Hunter: And as far as I'm concerned, Bret Hart, you want a piece of me, huh?! [Shawn holds him back] You want a piece of me?! Come on! I'll take you on, Hitman! I'll give you the worst beating of your life! Hey, wait a second. I did that last week. I did that last week, Hitman! So never mind, I don't need to do it twice! I already did it!

Shawn: I tell you, I took so many shots to my head, I almost forgot how bad we beat him up last week. Hitman, I got news for you. Sometime during this show, we are gonna cross paths. And you talk about us being degenerates. You know what, I'm tired of Generation X getting a bad rap.

Hunter: Do you think you're a degenerate?

Shawn: Well, do you think you're a degenerate?

Hunter: Well, I mean...

Shawn: I mean, I'm positive I'm one.

Hunter: I guess I'd have to be one then.

Shawn: Well you know what? Generation X always gets a bad rap, everybody calls us degenerates. Degeneration X, is that us? Degeneration X—Triple H, HBK, Chyna, Ravishing Rick. We are Degeneration X—you make the rules, and we...will...break 'em!

---

Jim Cornette: I'm Jim Cornette, and the views I'm about to express are my own, but as you'll see, they may be yours, too.

There's a man named Phil Mushnick who writes columns for the New York Post and for TV Guide. You probably never heard of Mr. Mushnick, but you should because he's had some pretty nasty things to say about you. You see, Phil Mushnick hates pro wrestling and he's not content just to change the channel. He doesn't want you be able to watch it, either. Not the WWF, WCW, ECW, nothing.

And for the past several years, Mushnick has led a one-man campaign to have the wrestling industry abolished. Recently, when Ted Turner donated one billion dollars to charity, Mr. Mushnick said "the world would be better served if he closed up WCW." Phil Mushnick is the man who called for and spearheaded the media and publicity barrage over the federal indictment of Vince McMahon and the WWF on steroid charges. And even though McMahon and the WWF were proven totally innocent in a federal courtroom, Mushnick ignores that fact to this very day and writes his columns as if it were a fact that they were proven guilty just so he can continue his one-man crusade. He even wrote a column one time about the Madison Square Garden Network firing Marv Albert, saying that the Garden should cancel wrestling matches, too.

But Phil Mushnick not only hates wrestling, he hates wrestling fans. Here's a few things he's had to say about you, and I quote:

"If not for America's lunatic fringe and the disaffected, WCW would be out of business. If you can tell me that you would bring an important child in your life to a pro wrestling match, I have no gripe with you because you clearly don't know right from wrong. And the overwhelming majority of the wrestling fans who contact me simply prove my point by flooding my mailbox with profanities, obscenities, and other acts that show them to be a disenfranchised sub-culture."

Well, Mr. Mushnick, I'm a wrestling fan and a lot of the people who read the New York Post and TV Guide are wrestling fans, too. And we don't enjoy being insulted by publications we pay money to read. We don't appreciate being told we don't know how to parent our children! We don't want a pompous, self-righteous man with a grudge sitting on top of Mount Olympus looking down his nose at us campaigning to take away the constitutional right that every American is guaranteed, to freedom of speech, freedom of choice, and freedom to enjoy whatever entertainment we choose! Those are facts, Mr. Mushnick, not rumors, not suppositions, but facts. You oughta try to deal in them sometime. And I think it's time that the millions of people you belittle as subhuman every chance you get tell the New York Post and TV Guide what they think of ya.

But if this has been going on so long, why am I mad right now? Because recently, Phil Mushnick used Brian Pillman's death to call for another outcry against wrestling, and I quote once again:

"The problem is the mainstream media don't look hard enough at pro wrestling. Imagine if middle-aged pro baseball players dropped dead on a regular basis, this would be page one stuff, and a federal inquiry would be launched."

[At this point, Cornette is seething with anger.]

Well, Brian Pillman was a friend of mine. From the time he was born with throat cancer, he had the courage to undergo 36 different throat operations. He had the courage to withstand the punishment of pro football and ten years as a pro wrestler. He had the courage to come back from a car wreck that shattered his ankle, and from a lot of other personal tragedies. And then one night, he went to sleep in a hotel room and he died. And for you, Phil Mushnick, to use his death as an excuse for another call to action in your one-man vendetta against pro wrestling is more vulgar and more obscene than anything that you've ever falsely accused the wrestling industry of being guilty of! So on behalf of the wrestling fans, the wrestling industry, the friends and family of Brian Pillman, and anyone in this country that denies any one man the right to force his morals and his beliefs on all of us and to take away our constitutional rights, on behalf of those people, I say go to hell, Phil Mushnick! And try to reform things down there because we're doing just fine without you!

I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

October 27

Jim Cornette: I'm Jim Cornette. I'm just wondering if there's any people that are sick and tired as I am to be the icon of wrestling. Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper claim to be the icon, Shawn Michaels is the icon that can still go, Bret Hart would claim to be the icon if he wasn't too busy crying about being screwed, and Randy Savage is still "Thinkin', Thinkin'!" Well, Shawn Michaels is still the single most talented athlete inside the ring, but outside he's an adolescent obnoxious jerk who takes the tights and goes home if he doesn't get his way. Bret Hart is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but if he'd have been screwed as many times as he claims, he'd have struck oil by now. And Randy Savage is a legend, but let's face it, how many records did Frank Sinatra sell last year? But the pinnacle of this icon garbage came at last night's cage match between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper to determine—in their minds only—who the real icon is. WCW had the gall to say that this is the greatest cage match in history when it was the greatest in three weeks since Hell in a Cell. But here, you've got a 46-year-old, bald-headed movie star wannabe who looks like Uncle Creepy with a good build, taking on a guy with an artificial hip that hasn't wrestled a full schedule in ten years. It's a tribute to the massive egotism in my mind of both men and an indictment of WCW's promotional policies that this match took place, much less being in the main event when the card was probably the best that WCW was capable of having. By the ten minute mark, they were sucking wind so bad, the first three rows passed out of oxygen deprivation. Would've been funny if it wasn't sad. Well, I'm sick and damn tired of hearing guys claim to be the icon, especially when it used to come from guys who usually didn't know when to quit. Roddy Piper was my idol when I was a teenager, but that was 20 years ago. Hulk Hogan, during his best years, was 50% media recreation, and those days are long gone. This match was a slap in the face to every wrestler that takes pride in his profession, and in my mind, no one man is bigger in this sport. But if there is an icon, it would be a man who has great ability inside the ring, and professionalism and maturity outside of it. Let's leave all the petty backstabbing "I make more money than you," BS with the hat check girl and let's concentrate on talent and attitude. The Undertaker, Ric Flair and Steve Austin have never claimed to be icons, which means that they are big candidates to be just that. And on a personal note to Hulk Hogan, you are a household word, but so is garbage and it stinks when it gets old too. I'm Jim Cornette, and that's my opinion.

November 17

Jim Ross: Let's cut right to the chase here. Seven days ago at the Survivor Series, did you, or did you not, screw Bret Hart?

Vince: Some would say I screwed Bret Hart; Bret Hart would definitely tell you I screwed him. I look at it from a different standpoint. I look at it from the standpoint of the referee did not screw Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels certainly did not screw Bret Hart, nor did Vince McMahon screw Bret Hart. I truly believe that Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart, and he can look in the mirror and know that.

Jim Ross: I'm sure in some parts of the country right now, there's a collective groan that you're not accepting responsibility, that you orchestrated the situation, and the fact that there are people not gonna understand what you mean by, "Bret Hart screwed Bret Hart," so what do you mean by that?

Vince: Well, I will certainly take responsibility for any decision I've ever made; I've never had a problem doing that. Not that all of my decisions are accurate—they're not—but when I make a bad decision, I'm not above saying I'm sorry and trying to do the best about it that I can. Hopefully, the batting average is pretty good—I make more good decisions than I do bad decisions. And as far as screwing Bret Hart is concerned, there's a time-honored tradition in the wrestling business that when someone is leaving, that they show the right amount of respect to the WWF superstars, in this case, who helped make you that superstar. You show the proper respect to the organization that helped you become who you are today. It's a time-honored tradition, and Bret Hart didn't wanna honor that tradition, and that's something I never, ever would've expected from Bret because he is known as somewhat of a traditionalist in this business. It would've never crossed my mind that Bret would not have wanted to show the right amount of respect to the superstar who helped make him and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Nonetheless, that was Bret's decision. Bret screwed Bret.

Jim Ross: Some folks along the Internet know that, in 1996, Bret signed a 20-year contract with the WWF. Then I'm sure there are some at home now, some folks are saying, "well, how could Bret Hart be...he's got 18 years left on the contract. How can he leave?" Did Bret Hart ask you to leave the WWF, or did you ask him to leave the WWF?

Vince: This was a joint decision and it vacillated somewhat as well. It was a joint decision from both Bret and me. And ultimately what happened was the two of us got together and orchestrated the opportunity for Ted Turner's wrestling organization to quote, "steal," Bret. I felt that, for business reasons, that Bret Hart and the salary we were paying him was not justified. And Bret felt that for creative reasons and the fact that he had become sort of second banana in his own mind to Shawn Michaels who had, quote, "stolen his spot." So for financial reasons on my part, and creative reasons on Bret Hart's part, the two of us got together and decided, "okay, let's do the very best we can for you, Bret." So the two of us orchestrated Bret Hart receiving a three-year deal, in which he is paid $3 million a year, which I believe is the richest deal in all of professional wrestling, and that's for working 125 days a year. So I felt from a personal standpoint that if Bret wasn't a great investment any longer for the WWF, although I really didn't want him to go, but nonetheless, that the least I could do for Bret is to help him help himself. And I told Bret, "Bret, if you in fact get this deal from Turner, I am going to be the first person personally to congratulate you." And I was. From a business standpoint, I didn't really want to lose Bret. He wasn't paying off from a financial standpoint, but nonetheless, I really didn't want to lose Bret.

Jim Ross: Certainly, the bitterness of the loss at the Survivor Series could never be more prevalent. He stands in the ring and spits in your face. Shortly thereafter, he is destroying WWF television equipment. Were you prepared for what happened after the match?

Vince: I was disappointed in Bret when he hit me. Very disappointed. Um, I sustained a concussion, as a result of it, with vision problems to this day. I'll get over it. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. Bret seems to be crowing about that, that I've read, where, you know, he feels proud of striking me. And it wasn't a question of a confrontation because even at 52 years old, I dare say that perhaps things would have been a little different if there was a confrontation. I allowed Bret to strike me, I had hoped that he wouldn't. I had hoped that we could sit down and try and work things out as gentlemen. That's what I had really hoped for. But that's not what happened.

Jim Ross: Have you considered pressing charges or perusing legal remedies for that situation in his locker room?

Vince: I have considered it. I think those options are still available. I'm not pursuing it at the moment. I guess it all depends on Bret as to whether or not I do.

Jim Ross: If you were only a story writer, and the Survivor Series was the final chapter in the story of Bret Hart, the WWF years, how would have preferred to write the final chapter?

Vince: As a storyteller, I would have hoped that Bret's story would be a dramatic one. I would hope that Bret's story would be one that would give him dignity, that would give him the poise to state that, "I was, maybe, the greatest WWF Superstar ever," in terms of his departure. And one way of being able to give back to the company, being able to give back to those individuals, those superstars, who helped you achieve the level of success that you have, when you know that you are leaving in a time-honored tradition, might have been, for argument's sake, that after the most grueling match that Bret ever had in his life, that Bret was pinned. But in that small moment of defeat, Bret would have stood straight up and shown the whole world what a true champion, both as a human being and a wrestling persona, he really is. And if I had been Bret, if I were writing the story, I can see Bret, after a 1-2-3, simply saying, "Okay," to his opponent, "you got the best of me. I want to congratulate you. I want to stick my hand out and congratulate you. And furthermore, I want everyone in the whole locker room to watch my match, so that I can show, for those who follow in my footsteps, the way in a time-honored tradition, this is to be done. To show every individual, every secretary, everyone in Titan Sports, the WWF, who counts on me to do the right thing, that I was there, that I was a Superstar, maybe the greatest of ever. And I went out the way a true champion would go out."

Jim Ross: Are you able to step back and objectively look at this thing and evaluate your friend, your perhaps former friend Bret Hart, the human being, and have sympathy for this man?

Vince: Sympathy? I have no sympathy for Bret whatsoever. None. I have no sympathy for someone who is supposed to be a wrestling traditionalist, not doing the right thing for the business that made him, not doing the right thing for the fans and the performers and the organization who helped make him what he is today. Bret made a very, very selfish decision. Bret's gonna have to live with that for the rest of his life. Bret screwed Bret. I have no sympathy whatsoever for Bret.

---

Jim Ross: This is a crazy question. Would you welcome Bret Hart back? If he said, "you know Vince, I've changed my mind. Can I come back?" Would you allow him to return to the WWF? I mean, he spit in your face, notwithstanding destroying television monitors & equipment, certainly notwithstanding the fact that he punched you. Would you allow him to ever come back to the WWF if that was an option?

Vince: This is a strange business, and yes, I would. We would have to have a real frank understanding. I would want to hear Bret say, "Vince, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish, I just kind of lost it there for a while." And I have no problem saying, "Bret, jeez, I'm sorry that I had to do what I had to do as well." Would I welcome him back? I also would tell Bret no more free shots. I would want that strictly from a man's standpoint, I'd want him to know that. And in the future if we're going to have problems along those lines, in the locker room or anywhere else, okay, we're going to have them, but no more free shots. Yeah. If Bret could tear up his contract with the other guys right now and return, I'd welcome Bret back under those conditions.

Jim Ross: Was his motivation...do you believe his motivations then, primarily? He said he didn't leave here for the money.

Vince: There were signs in the arena following Survivor Series, "Bret sold out." Bret seems to be sensitive to that subject, that he doesn't want to be known as someone who sold out. I'm proud of the fact that I helped Bret sell out. And that's what Bret did, he sold out. And it's not a big deal because I helped him do it. So, do I think that Bret left for the money? I think that when your making $3 million a year, and you're working 125 days of that year, I think Bret sold out, and I don't blame him for selling out. I helped him sell out. Matter of fact, I would suggest there could be a long line outside the next locker room with wrestlers begging me, "Vince, help me sell out." So, do I think he sold out? Yeah, and I think that every time Bret says, "No, I didn't do it for the money," I think that Bret loses credibility every time he says that.

Jim Ross: Did this whole ugly ordeal with Bret Hart affect you more professionally, the businessman side of Vince McMahon, or the personal side of Vince McMahon?

Vince: From the business side, the WWF will go on beyond Bret Hart. From the personal side, it definitely has affected me. I think that Bret and I...you can't end a 14-year relationship like was ended without having feelings. I regret that I felt that I was forced into making the decision that I made. I regret that Bret didn't do the right thing for the business and for himself, because it wouldn't have cost him one dollar less with his deal with Turner. I regret that his fans, if there is such a thing separate from WWF fans, are in any way hurt by any of this. I regret that his family is enduring...having to endure this tirade that Bret seems to be on. I regret that a member of my family, my son, had to witness some of this, especially in the locker room. I regret all of that, from a personal standpoint, yet steadfast remain that I made a tough decision, but it was the right decision for the WWF fans and the WWF superstars that remain here loyal to us.

Jim Ross: If you had the opportunity to speak with Bret, and now's not a bad opportunity, because you know he watching. Everybody involved in this situation is watching this right now. What would you say to him now?

Vince: Probably what I said to him in the locker room, and that is that he made a mistake, that I believe he'll regret from a professional standpoint, didn't have to be made that way. I felt I had to do what I had to do for my company, and our fans, and our superstars that remain here. And I'm unwavering in that point of view, and perhaps Bret is unwavering in his point of view. I don't know that we'll ever get together, I hope we will one day. It's too bad that a 14-year relationship was destroyed because one member of that relationship forgot that we're in the sports-entertainment business. Forgot where he came from.

Jim Ross: When will you be over this?

Vince: I'm over it now. At the same time, Bret has been such a part of the WWF. Bret will always...a part of Bret will always be here in the World Wrestling Federation, and I'm going to remember the good times. I'm going to remember all the things that we did with Bret, which he performed to his greatest degree possible, and told those wonderful stories. I'm going to remember Bret as the Excellence of Execution. It's just too damn bad that in the end, Bret really wasn't "the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be." And he had that opportunity to live up to that in his final match in the WWF, and he failed.

December 15

Jim Ross [describing Steve Austin’s trip after leaving the arena]: This could be a P.J. Carlesimo situation.

Jim Cornette: Who?

---

Vince McMahon: Owen Hart, I know you are here tonight. You've been spotted. Owen Hart, I know you can hear my voice, wherever you may be in this arena. And I must inform you that you've been endangering indeed the safety certainly of our ringside fans with your antics as of late.

Jim Cornette: McMahon's turning into Fire Marshall Bill with all this "fan safety" business.

Vince: You've been crawling over ringside fans coming into the ring interfering in matches with Shawn Michaels. And make no mistake: I don't give a damn about Shawn Michaels – it's just that you're endangering the safety of ringside fans by coming in and coming out. That will not be tolerated. I know you can hear me. I like to remind you, Owen: You are still under contract to the World Wrestling Federation. And as such, I'm ordering you to appear in this ring, right now. [Owen Hart walks to the ring from somewhere in the audience to "Owen" chants] What's this all about, and who do you think you are?

Owen Hart: [takes off shades] Who do I think I am? [pokes Vince] Who the HELL do you think you are?! You think I owe you a goddamn apology?! I don't owe you a goddamn thing! I'm sick and tired of trying to please everybody else around here, and the bullshit stops right here!

Cornette: Well, that's showing McMahon plenty of respect!

Jim Ross: This could get very, very ugly in a hurry.

Owen: Now my brother, Bret, and Neidhart, and Bulldog, they did what they had to do, and now it's time for me to do what I have to do, and that is remain right here in the World Wrestling Federation! [crowd cheers] Now, I spent nine years breaking my back day-after-day to earn a reputation in this company, and nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to run me out of this company, and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about!

Vince: Oh yeah, I have a real good idea who you're talking about. You're talking about self-professed "Showstopper," right? You're talking about the Icon, you're talking about the WWF Champion, Shawn Michaels. And isn't that really what it's all about, Owen? Huh? Isn't that what this whole thing's all about? You attempting to gain the only title that's eluded you in your career here? It's all about the WWF Title, isn't it?

Owen: How stupid are you? Is that what you think this is about?! Do you think I give a damn about a worthless title: a piece of leather with tin on it?! This is real life, Vince. This is real life - MY life! MY reputation! MY respect! MY dignity! And McMahon, don't you get me wrong. I'm not ASKING you, I am TELLING you exactly what I am going to do! And that is... and that is make Shawn Michaels' life a living HELL!

Ross: A lot of that going around these days.

Cornette: I--I know what you mean!

Vince [exasperated]: Let me tell you--

Owen: Listen to me for a second. You can call me the "Sole Survivor," you can call me the "Black Sheep," I really don't give a shit!

Ross: Uh-oh. Not good.

Owen: Shawn Michaels, this is not a game, this is real life, and you started it... and now, it's time for this "little nugget" to end it!

Ross: Shawn Michaels is a marked man, and so is Helmsley!

Vince: All right, now let me tell you what I'm going to do, Mr. Hart. I believe we have some uniformed security I'd like to ask to come to the ring. [crowd boos] And the reason I'd like to ask for uniformed security, Mr. Hart, is to make sure that, again, we do not endanger the safety of any of our ringside fans, because next week... next week, right here, you're gonna come in to the ring down the ramp like every other WWF superstar, and you're gonna compete in this ring next week just like every other WWF superstar. You're not gonna run over any more ringside fans – all right?!

Cornette [as security surrounds Owen]: That's every cop in New Hampshire!

Ross [as Owen approaches Vince]: Look out here. I don't like the look in Owen Hart's eyes. He's been under a tremendous amount of stress.

Cornette: Looks like a hungry dog eyeing a steak!

Ross: Owen could snap at any--

[Owen grabs Vince and stares him down]

Cornette: Hey!

Ross: Oh, uh-oh!

Cornette [as Owen pushes Vince away and Vince motions for security to get Owen out]: Just to prove he can do it! Whatever Shawn Michaels has to say, I'll tell you what: in my opinion, Owen Hart's got some big nuggets! [Owen gets taken out of the arena through the crowd as they chant his name]

---

Vince McMahon: It has been said that anything can happen here in the World Wrestling Federation, but now more than ever, truer words have never been spoken. This is a conscious effort on our part to "Open the Creative Envelope", so to speak, in order to entertain you in a more contemporary manner. Even though we call ourselves "sports entertainment" because of the athleticism involved, the key word in that phrase is "entertainment". The WWF extends far beyond the strict confines of sports presentation into the wide open environment of broad-based entertainment. We borrow from such program niches like soap operas like The Days of our Lives, or music videos such as those on MTV, daytime talk-shows like Jerry Springer and others, cartoons like The King of the Hill on Fox, sitcoms like Seinfeld, and other widely accepted forms of television entertainment. We in the WWF think that you, the audience, are quite frankly tired of having your intelligence insulted. We also think that you're tired of the same old simplistic theory of "good guys vs. bad guys". Surely the era of "The superhero who urge you to say your prayers and take your vitamins" is definitely passe. Therefore, we've embarked upon a far more innovative and contemporary creative campaign that is far more invigorating and extemporaneous than ever before. However, due to the live nature of Raw and The War Zone, we encourage some degree of parental discretion as it relates to the younger audience allowed to stay up late. Other WWF programs on USA such as Saturday Morning LiveWire and Sunday Morning Superstars, where there is a 40% increase in the younger audience, obviously however need no such discretion. We are responsible television producers who work hard to bring you this outrageous, wacky, wonderful world known as the WWF. Through some 50 years, the World Wrestling Federation has been an entertainment mainstay here in North America and all over the world. One of the reasons for that longevity is as the times have changed, so have we. I am happy to say that this new vibrant, creative direction has resulted in a huge increase in television viewership, for which we thank USA Network and TSN for allowing us to have the creative freedom, but most especially we would like to thank you for watching. Raw and the War Zone are definitely the cure for the common show.

December 22

Jim Ross: Remember, the European Title on the line. Shawn Michaels putting the European Title on the line here, as he will the WWF Title at the Royal Rumble in that much-anticipated casket match with the Undertaker. [Shawn and Hunter lock up and Hunter immediately shoves Shawn down] Collar-and-elbow tie-up.

[Hunter over-dramatically runs the ropes over a supine Shawn for 14 seconds]

Jim Cornette: And reluctantly on his part, on both of them. He didn't want to put the title up either.

Ross: Wait a minute. Why is Michaels just lying there?

Cornette: Well, why doesn't Helmsley slow down and stop? What is it?

Ross: [catching on] It's a mockery. [Hunter jumps and softly splashes Shawn, hooking his leg] We thought that... oh, here it is.

[Hebner counts to three. Hunter celebrates while Shawn "cries."]

Cornette: [over Tony Chimel's announcement] It was a ruse!

Tony Chimel: Here is your winner and the new World Wrestling Federation European Champion: "Triple H" Hunter Hearst-Helmsley!

Cornette: [cont'd] A ploy, a plot, a plan, a charade, a conspiracy, a sham! We've been conned, hoodwinked, bamboozled, flim-flammed, had the wool pulled over our eyes even!

Ross: Slaughter apparently has been watching this on the monitor, we've just been informed, and is on his way to the ring. Helmsley with the European Title. We thought it was gonna be Slaughter's revenge.

Cornette: Look at these two jackasses! Michael [sic] cries every time he comes to this town!

December 29

Jim Cornette: Well, the WWF has asked me to do a commentary on the state of wrestling in 1998; I guess they figured, "Cornette's always good for a couple of laughs." Well, I'm not really gonna be too funny tonight. Because you see, I think the state of wrestling in 1998 stinks! I think WCW stinks, I think the nWo stinks, I think ECW is embarrassing, and I think the WWF stinks! And I'll tell you why. You don't have to go back any further than last week on Raw, you got a guy coming out dressed like a Christmas tree, you got a woman dressed like a reindeer, you got two adolescent mulletheads showing their butt cheeks on national TV, and having a phony match for a championship! I think it stinks! I think it's disgusting! I think nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore! Where is "wrestling"? Not "sports entertainment", but wrestling! You know, just a couple of years ago, I left my home in Tennessee and I moved to Connecticut, which is like trading a Hawaiian vacation for a bed in a cancer ward, to come to work for the WWF full-time, the biggest wrestling promotion in the history of the planet! And I moved to Connecticut with snow on the ground seven months out of the year, real estate prices that would make Donald Trump's hair stand on end, the rudest bunch of people I've ever seen where English is the second language, and traffic jams at four o'clock in the morning! But I think that's OK, because I'm with the biggest wrestling promotion of all time, the WWF! But over the last couple of years, I don't see any wrestling! They got some great wrestlers around here, but they don't have any time to wrestle, because of all the folderol and the nonsense going on! You see, what the problem is, is the people running the two big promotions! One guy is a game show host wannabe from Minneapolis with phony teeth, phony hair, and a phony tan! And running the WWF, you got a whole office building full of Yankees from New York City that wouldn't know a wrestling match if it bit them! So they sit around all day, listening to people on the Internet; and the people on the Internet wouldn't know a wristlock from a wristwatch! I don't particularly care what some Yankee from New York City wants to see! I wanna see wrestling matches with wrestlers! I wanna see real old-fashioned wrestling! I wanna see some people who have some respect for the traditions of the wrestling industry, have some respect for the sport of wrestling! I don't wanna see "sports entertainment" and flying donkeys all around! I think it's garbage, I think it's insulting, and I think it's a shame to a fine sport like this! Down south where I come from, they know wrestling, they were brought up on it, they grew up on it, and they respect it! And I think it's about time that the promoters and the wrestling industry today recognize that wrestling fans watching a wrestling programme want to see wrestlers wrestle! That's... That's easy! It's not too hard to understand if you just think about it. But the problem is, is that nobody has any respect for tradition. Well, I got news for you; I got respect for tradition, and I've always been associated with real good old-fashioned wrestling, a sport of wrestling, not a circus sideshow, not a cartoon show; and if nobody else is bring some wrestling around here, then maybe it's gonna be up to Jim Cornette! So that might be my New Year's resolution for 1998! I might bring some tradition, I might bring some real wrestling back and clear this whole mess out, because I think it stinks! So there's my address, there's my opinion, there's my commentary, do with it what you want, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Bah Humbug, I'm outta here!

1998

January 5

[Shawn Michaels calls out the Undertaker again and the druids bring down a casket]

Shawn Michaels: That casket looks awfully familiar [sees DX graffiti all over] Oh jeez, I'm begging for a little originality here. Okay sorry folks, I think Triple H and Chyna could no a little better than this. It's what I did last week. Ok, Hunter, Chyna, you're real funny, oohh, [gets closer to casket] I'm scared woogiewoogiewoogie. Come on out, you two. Come on, come on, oh what's the password. I forgot, the secret password, the secret password I forgot, last week, Break It Down! Ok you two, Break It Down, hello? [HHH and Chyna appear on the stage trying to warn him; Shawn finally sees them] If you two are up there, then, who's in the, who's in the casket? [gets closer to open casket and the Undertaker comes out to trap him inside]

January 12

[After stunning Mankind and Goldust, Steve Austin puts on JR's headset.]

Steve Austin: Oh hell yeah! No more Mr. Nice Guy until after this Rumble! Jim, someone told me the other day at the airport, "Steve, if you think you can win the Rumble, give me a hell yeah!" And I gave a "OH HELLLLL YEAHHHHH!"

January 19

Vince McMahon: At this time I'd like to introduce to you a man who is simply the baddest man on the planet! Ladies and gentlemen, "Iron" Mike Tyson! [Tyson enters the ring with his crew] "Iron" Mike Tyson! Mike, it is unquestionable, an honor and a privilege to have you standing in a World Wrestling Federation ring.

Mike Tyson: Well, it is a privilege to be here, man. I don't know, I've been a fan since I'm eight, nine years old and I'm just happy to be here.

Vince: Well, tell me your old time favorites here in the WWF.

Mike: Bruno Sammartino.

Vince: Don Leo Jonathan as well?

Mike: Nikolai Volkoff, man I go way back. I'm just proud to be involved in this.

Vince: Alright, now ladies and gentlemen. The moment we have awaited, the big announcement, and the announcement is that on March 29th at WrestleMania in this very ring..."Iron" Mike Tyson will... [Steve Austin's music interrupts McMahon and Austin enters the ring. Several officials and execs rush in.] Hey! Hey! Mr. Austin, why are you here?

Steve: Because I'm sick and tired of seeing Mike Tyson, he comes in, he's shaking everybody's hands, making friends with all the WWF Superstars, and it's made me so damn sick, I've been in the back throwing up. [Tyson extends his hand] I ain't gonna shake your damn hand, because I ain't out here to make friends with you. Mike... shut up. I respect... I respect what you've done in the boxing world, but Jesus Christ, son, when you step in this ring, you're messing with Stone Cold Steve Austin and that's something you don't do. Let me make it short and sweet, what I'm telling you is I want a piece of Mike Tyson's ass. [To Vince] Shut up. Don't say one word, Vince; I'll knock your damn lights out, too. I respect what you've done, Mike, but you're out here calling yourself the baddest man on the planet. Right now, you got your little beady eyes locked on the eyes of the world's toughest son-of-a-bitch! I can beat you any day of the week, twice on Sunday. Do I think I... Do I think you can beat my ass? Hell no! Do I think I can beat your ass? Why, hell yeah! I don't know how good your hearin' is, but if you don't understand what I'm sayin', I always got a little bit of sign language, so here's to ya! [flips off Tyson to Vince's surprise. Tyson gestures with his hands and shoves Austin, causing a brawl between the two men. Everybody else pulls them apart and Austin is manhandled off the ring]

Vince: Get out of here! You ruined it, you ruined it! [goes under second rope to get closer down to Austin] YOU RUINED IT, DAMMIT, YOU RUINED IT!!! [Austin flips him off as Shane tries to placate Vince]

February 2

[Shawn and Triple H along with Chyna make their apology to RAW's carrier networks in a manner of an official presidential announcement]

Shawn Michaels: Good evening my fellow Americans. This past week, Degeneration X was informed that TSN, STAR TV, SKY Sports, and USA Network is drawing the line on standards and practices as it relates to WWF programming and Degeneration X. In the future, we need to be careful of what we do and what we won't do. Again, DX gets in trouble every time we do something fortuitously. Therefore, the following is the standard and practices that DX promises to adhere to. [steps aside for Triple H]

Triple H: From the hours of nine to ten PM, we will only use the words "ass", "damn", and "hell". We will, however use the words "shit", "fuck", "goddamn", "Jesus Christ", "bitch," "faggot", or any other sexual or racial slurs. From the ten to eleven PM hour, we will only use the words "ass", "damn", "hell" and "bitch." We will never, however use the words "shit", "fuck", "goddamn", "Jesus Christ", "faggot", or any other racial or sexual slurs. Now as it pertains to video, we promise there will be less dick references-

Shawn Michaels: Oh shit!

HHH: [to Shawn with light tap on chest] Watch your fucking mouth!

Shawn: [scoffs] Fuck me.

HHH: Goddamn it. Fuck! Anyway, we will have less references to our enormous genitalia. [gives way to Shawn]

Shawn: On a final note, you know many of you believe that currently, the favored pastime in the Oral Office is "Swallow the Leader"...[delivers like Clinton's famous denial] I did not, I repeat, I did not sleep with that young intern. [normal] As a matter of fact, I was [makes DX crotchchop] UP ALL NIGHT!! [laughs along with HHH]

March 2

[Kane has just decked out a fan and timekeeper Mark Yeaton, but Paul Bearer couldn't assure him enough that a constant tolling of bells was nothing... until they see a casket on the stage hit by a lightning bolt and the Undertaker rises out of it]

The Undertaker: Welcome to HELL! I am the demon who will lead you into eternal damnation. Kane, you disappointed me. Is that the best effort that you can put together at the Royal Rumble? Did you think that could destroy me? Don't you know that you cannot destroy that does not wish to perish? And you, Paul, the audacity to come out here week after week and claim responsibility for my disappearance! The fact of the matter is: all those times when I return to the world of darkness it's of my own appoint. It's a time for spiritual healing. It's a time for the truth, and I know the truth. At this trip, what I was doing was soothing the souls of my parents, because I had to explain to them why I would have to do the one thing I promised never to do. Kane...

Paul Bearer: You're not The Phenom anymore! I'm standing next to the real Phenom!

[Kane lights up the stage but Undertaker passes right through the fireworks]

Undertaker: I will walk straight through the FIRES OF HELL to face you, Kane! And when you look into the eyes of your older brother, you will understand why, I am the most feared entity in the World Wrestling Federation. You will understand why, I am the Reaper of Wayward Souls and you will understand why I am the Lord of Darkness. Kane, there is one thought that I want you to think about between now and WrestleMania 14 – March 29th. I want you to remember, when we were small children, and we would begin to fight, mother and father were always there to pull me off of you. Well, this time there won't be anyone to save you. May the hounds of hell eat your rotting soul and you will...Rest...In...Peace!

March 16

[legends vignette for WrestleMania XIV, featuring voiceovers of WWF legends over footage]

"Classy" Freddie Blassie: I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.

Killer Kowalski: Time has not silenced the crowd.

Ernie Ladd: I never did a moonsault.

Gorilla Monsoon: or walked the top rope.

Pat Patterson: There were no pyrotechnics...

Monsoon: No fancy, flashing lights.

Blassie: We never flew through the air.

Patterson: We were men of courage...

Kowalski: Men of steel...

Blassie: They were men without fear.

Ladd: I can still hear the echoes cheering my name.

Monsoon: But today...

Blassie: I cheer for them.

---

[the lights are out again as Kane and Paul Bearer are in the ring ready to pounce on Sable; Undertaker appears at the top of the TitanTron]

Undertaker: Kane, WrestleMania 14, I will strike down upon thee with anger and furious vengeance!!! I will deliver you to the fiery pits of eternal damnation. You will know my name as the Lord of Darkness! Little brother, I felt your wrath, now you're gonna feel mine. It's too late to turn back. The only thing that you can do now is Rest...In...Peace!!! [summons lightning bolt that opens upright casket at the stage, revealing an effigy of Kane that suddenly burns]

March 23

[The Undertaker visits his parents' graves]

Undertaker: Mother and Father, I've done some things in my life which I'm not very proud and I'm sure there's been occasions where I haven't live up to your expectations of me. I do hope that now, you'd understand, that I've come to my crossroads. The Devil himself stands before me in the form of my own flesh and blood, of my own brother Kane. Mother, please forgive me for the sin which I'm about to commit, a sin so heinous, but its something that must be done. In the end, I only hope that together, as one we can rest in peace, a family once again - and as such is not the case, I alone am willing to serve my penance. I am willing to burn in my own damnation. I'm willing to look my destiny in the eye and go where the Reaper leads me. Please understand, he's given me no other choice. I have to fight. Just know that I love you.

March 30

[HHH appears in the ring with Chyna after Wrestlemania XIV]

Triple H: You know, a lot can happen in twenty-four hours... let's start with Mike Tyson. You know, I must have asked a thousand times, "Is he locked in? Is he with us? Is he a part of us? Are you SURE? Is it sewn up?" Heh - what I heard was "Don't worry, kid - I got it covered. Don't sweat it. You worry too much - it's sewn up. Let me make the decisions." Well, you dropped the ball. But don't worry, HBK, 'cause Triple H picked it up, and now the ball is in MY court! I'll take care of the worries - I'll take care of the problems - and I'll make the decisions. This is the genesis of D-Generation X. Tonight, live in front of the world, I form the DX Army - an army to take care of business that should have been taken care of right from the start. And when you start an army, when you set out to do what no one else can do, the first thing you do is you look to your blood - you look to your buddies - you look to your friends. You look to the Kliq! [points to the stage and DX music plays... as Sean "123 Kid" Waltman appears and heads down to the ring to greet Triple H] You know, when you've been an indentured servant for two years, you run up a lot of feelings - talk to 'em, Kid.

Sean "123 Kid" Waltman: ALBANY NEW YORK - RAISE SOME HELL MAKE A LITTLE NOISE! First things first - I've got a little something I've got to get off my chest right now. I heard Hulk Hogan come out on television sayin' I couldn't cut the mustard. Well, Hulk Hogan, you suck, pal! So I don't think you have any room to talk about anybody cutting any kind of mustard. And Hulk, I got some... I got some more advice for ya. You'd better not stop short, or Eric Bischoff will go so far up your ass, he'll know what you had for breakfast!

And now on to important matters at hand. I'm sittin' at home with my mind on my money and my money on my mind - and I get a call from one of my best friends o' my entire life, Triple H, and he says, "DX needs your help." Well dammit, Triple H, any time you ever need anything from me, pal, you got it. And I got something else to say - Kevin Nash and Scott Hall would be standing right here with us if they weren't bein' held hostage by World Championship Wrestling and that's a fact Eric Bischoff, so put that in your pipe and smoke it! So the way I see it right now, this is a new beginning for D-Generation X, and we're here to rip ass on the World Wrestling Federation... AND IT STARTS TONIGHT!!!!

Triple H: Oh yeah, by the way, I got two words for ya...

Kid: SUCK IT!

Triple H: Yeah!

---

[Paul Bearer gloats over Kane mauling Undertaker the night before]

Paul Bearer: Undertaker! Behold, your brother. Undertaker...did you actually believe last night, after the 1, 2, 3 that it was all over? Did you actually think so!? You are looking at your flesh and blood - the only man to ever kick out of your famous Tombstone. Not once - but twice! And he would have done it a third time! Don't you know, Undertaker - you have had to change. After all this, I know you've had to change, deep down inside, that cold, cold heart that your body harbors!

You have faced your flesh and blood, one on one! He beat you all over that ring last night - the whole world's seen it! You cowered in the corner, Undertaker, as your brother put his fist against your skull. After I returned to the hotel last evening, I put myself in bed, I shut my eyes. I was proud, but I was awoken at about 2am with a dream! Yes, Kane, I had a dream! In that dream, I saw a wrestling ring - in that dream, I saw the ring surrounded by fire... in that ring, I saw Kane, standing all alone. Undertaker, I challenge YOU to step into my dream - step into the ring - step into the fire and face your brother one more time! But the dream is not finished yet... in order to win this match, Undertaker, either you or your brother will have to CATCH FIRE! The loser must catch fire - an Inferno! Unforgiven! In! Your! House!

---

[Austin gets his phone call after being arrested earlier]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: [patched to JR in the arena] Jesus Christ, this is Stone Cold Steve Austin. I get one phone call when you get locked up in jail and I'm sure Vince McMahon thought I was gonna call a lawyer? ehhehehh!!! That ain't gonna happen! I want you to tell Vince McMahon firsthand, I think he's a sorry sorry son of a bitch and the last time I checked, the last time I checked when you give someone the Stone Cold Stunner, it ain't punishable by the death penalty, so that means, Vince McMahon's ass belongs to Stone Cold Steve Austin, and next week on RAW IS WAR, he's gonna find out just how pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin is and I can guarantee you one thing, it ain't gonna be a very fun night for Vince McMahon next Monday night and if that don't work, I'll pay his ass a house call just like I've done in the past. Vince McMahon will find out, Austin 3:16 say I just whipped your ass and that's what's gonna happen!

April 6

[Cactus Jack appears]

Cactus Jack: I have always taken a lot of chances in the ring and some very bad things have happened to me over the years, but I've always had the comfort of knowing that when I looked at my career, my dreams, the things I accomplished, the things I'd set my heart on... that it was always worth the pain. So people ask, "Cactus, so how's your neck?", I say, that I'll be damned, if I'm gonna let a group of SCUM like DX put Cactus Jack away.

No, I guess, you see, that... Terry Funk's not here and I haven't talked to Terry, but I've left a message on his answering machine and I'm not saying this to sound tough, but Cactus Jack and Terry Funk do not miss wrestling matches! So I have to guess, if the Funker was hurt enough to fly home, that it's probably pretty bad. And I really wish that people could know Terry a little bit more than what they see in the ring, because people will always debate on who the greatest wrestler of all time is, but I guarantee you, you ask every damn last bunch of people in the dressroom, they'll say that Terry Funk is the gutsiest old bastard they've ever seen in their lives.

And I guess you've probably seen Terry's back, and I hope you saw WrestleMania because it was a tremendous match and I'm very proud of it, and Terry was laying there on the bed with his belt and he said, "Cactus, I'm gonna be alright because I consider this the last match of my career." See, Terry always wanted to retire as a WWF champion and he said, "Cactus, it's all been worth it, but we don't have those belts now, do we?" And I'm not gonna get into the reason why, but I will say, that when Cactus Jack was laying - and I was conscious and I could move, but it was very hard to move and I was not very far from being unconscious - and when I looked at Terry Funk, well, I heard something in my... in my ears that - I gotta tell you the truth - it kinda made me sick! That's... there was an announcement being made, thanking the fans for coming to the WWF event... and they said something about Stone Cold Steve Austin... and, uh, yeah, people... people started chanting his name. And it's... it's funny, because... when I came here two years ago and I was Mankind, there were always people saying, "Why don't you just be Cactus Jack?" Then I came out in tie-dye and white boots, and they said, "You know, why don't you just be Cactus Jack?" Well, I gave you Cactus Jack. I GAVE YOU EVERY GODDAMN PIECE OF ENERGY I HAD... and when I was laying there, helpless... you chanted someone else's name... [stands up]

This is not a knock on Stone Cold Steve Austin! Hey I'm happy he's the champion, and he may not admit it, but we've known each other a long time, and he's been my friend. But what you did to me and Terry Funk laying here in the middle of the ring was not only distasteful and disrespectful, it was goddamn disgusting... and I'm gonna give you a chance to make it up to me... because I'm gonna accept a group apology right now. [feels crowd heat] Well... I can finally say for the first time, after 13 years of blood, sweat and tears, that it's not worth it anymore. It's gonna be a long time before you see Cactus Jack in a ring again. [drops mic and leaves ring]

April 13

[Shane McMahon and Jim Ross are in Vince McMahon's locker room asking him not to take up Steve Austin's challenge for a WWF title match]

Vince McMahon: You get to the car, ok? [slams coat onto the table] Get my bag and bring it back here.

Shane McMahon: [over Vince's command] This is the dumbest decision you've ever made.

Vince: It may be.

Gerald Brisco: No it's not.

Shane: This is the dumbest decision you've ever made!

Brisco: No, it's not!

Vince: [to JR as Shane storms out] And you, you go out there and do your job please, thank you very much.

April 27

[DX - the New Age Outlaws, Chyna, and XPac, assemble near a military jeep with recoilless cannon]

Triple H: Attention! [the four stand at attention with Chyna poking her M-16 into Road Dogg's crotch. starts pacing back and forth] At ease, men. [group goes at ease. Billy Gunn has his rocket launcher tucked like an erect penis and lowers it a bit] I said at ease! [rocket launcher is lowered more] That's better. [walks to Billy] Stand up straight, soldier. Today we embark on a mission. We have seen the enemy, and he's near. So today, we're gonna go down there.

DX members: Down where, sir?

HHH: There [makes crotch gesture] and we will blow them out of the water. This mission, should you choose to accept it, will start at the Norfolk Scope, with [mock Southern drawl] Dubya-C-Dubya, the Rasslin' [to normal voice] and it will end right here tonight, at the Hampton Roads Coliseum, for RAW is WAR. This is your mission, [XPac makes a few unintelligible words] if you choose to accept it, ladies and gentlemen, if you choose to accept it, it will be all for one and [gestures open-palm to DX]

All DX members: One for All, so [makes DX crotch chop] SUCK IT! [talk amongst themselves as they mount the jeep. HHH stands on the shotgun seat]

HHH: [gestures with baton] ATTACK!!! [DX starts moving]

---

[Paul Bearer has just cut a promo about Kane's predicament at Unforgiven, revealing Kane is his son]

Jim Ross:... and of course, the Undertaker obviously was shocked. What we're hearing then is that Paul Bearer is Kane's father.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: And do you know what that means? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out - that means Paul Bearer had to sleep with the Undertaker's mother!

Ross: Good Lord..

Lawler: Whoa!! [scoffs and laughs at the revelation]

May 4

Mick Foley: Cut this music... does anybody here know my name? Because to tell you the truth, I don't know who the hell I am anymore. At Unforgiven, I beat Stone Cold Steve Austin - no I do not have the heavyweight title, but I came real close. And for those of you who've never been on the receiving end of a Stone Cold ass-kicking, let me tell you, it doesn't feel that good... If you were to ask Stone Cold Steve Austin how he felt the next day, well he probably would say he didn't feel a whole hell of a lot better.

So now, how do I get rewarded for my efforts at Unforgiven? By receiving a rematch? No! By being proclaimed the No.1 contender? No! You see, that honor went to... Goldust. The last time I checked my resume, I was going head to head with the heavyweight champion of the world. The last time I checked the resume of Goldust, that panty-wearing pansy... he was wearing a black teddy in a woman's negligee match. And now the WWF has informed me that I am to wrestle Terry Funk in a no-holds-barred, falls-count-anywhere match. And I guess I know what Vince McMahon must thinking, 'hey let those two kill each other and I won't have to deal with them anymore.'

You see, I don't have all the answers, but I do know a few things. Number one, I'll be damned if I'm going to throw away 13 years of hard work by sucking up to a low-life like Vince McMahon; number two, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let my wife and kids see me bumping and grinding with a couple of second rate strippers on national television; and number three, I'll be damned if I perform in this stuff [Dude Love Outfit] ever again. What I'd like right now is to have Vince McMahon out here, because I, Cactus Jack, want some answers and I want them right now! I am waiting for your replay! Vince McMahon, if you are a man, you come out here and face the music. [Vince McMahon enters the ring] Vince, I don't care what you do - if you bury it [Dude Love Outfit], you burn it or you put it on yourself, but you will not make me dress up like a horse's ass... EVER... are we understood? ARE WE?"

Vince McMahon: You've got guts enough to call me out before you? Me? The owner of the World Wrestling Federation? You've got guts enough to call me out before you and all these people? Who the hell do you think you are? Let me tell you something - sure, you hold a victory over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Unforgiven, but you didn't get the job done, because Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the World Wrestling Federation champion!

And the next night, sure, Goldust becomes the #1 contender, how do you react? You kvetch, you bitch, you cry, you moan, just like all these other people would at their lost opportunity, because you see... they have to make excuses when they don't get that raise, they don't get that promotion, they have to make excuses - I would expect better from you and then... you think I'm trying to punish you by booking you in a match with your best friend, Terry Funk, a no-holds-barred match?

Mick: Yes, I do!

Vince: That's not a punishment, THAT'S REWARD, that's what it is, a REWARD!

Mick: How you figure?

Vince: Because I believe that you and I are a lot alike. I believe that you recognize this as it truly is. You see, I take adversity and turn it into triumph... This match that you have with your best friend is an opportunity, and that's what I give better than anybody else in the world, opportunity... don't you see? Can't you clearly see this picture? Who've you been listening to?

Because, if you seize this moment, if you take your best friend out to this ring tonight, and you not only beat him, but beat him... an inch from his life, if you tear him limb from limb... if you REACH INTO HIS CHEST AND PULL OUT HIS HEART... AND HOLD IT AND THE BLOOD DRIPS DOWN ALL OVER YA... THEN YOU WOULD'VE MADE the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to become the #1 contender, the kind of sacrifice that's necessary to BEAT Stone Cold Steve Austin, THE KIND OF SACRIFICE that's necessary TO BE the World Wrestling Federation champion!

I've got faith in you! I've got confidence in you! Because I believe, deep down in that demented cranium.. you can do it! You can do it! You can seize this opportunity and once again become the #1 contender for the World Wrestling Federation championship. When I came out here, you threw Dude Love into my face... How does it feel for me to throw the truth into yours?

---

[After JR announces an exclusive interview by Jerry Lawler on Paul Bearer, nobody notices the camera still on and the King is very inquisitive about Kane]

Paul Bearer: I told you about it. You hear what I told him. I told the world he's my son. He is my son Jerry, it's that simple.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Cmon, so you're telling me-

Bearer: He's my son!

Lawler: You're telling me-

Bearer: You don't believe me?

Lawler: You're telling me, you're telling me you nailed the Undertaker's mother.

Bearer: Well, I nailed - nailed - I [Lawler scoffs] Okay.

King: Tell me how that...

Bearer: Jerry, can I trust you?

King: I'll tell nobody.

Bearer: I was 19 years old and I was present at the funeral home. I went out on Tuesday nights to the wrestling matches like I always do with my friends, had a few beers. Coming to the funeral home, there she was in this little titty outfit. I've never been [Lawler begins to laugh] don't tell nobody. I've never been with a woman before at that point. I wasn't fat like I am now, in fact Jerry I was kinda [fixes up tie] studly.

King: Oh yeah right?

Bearer: I was! Anyway, I come through the door and... she took me right there! Right there!

King: Wait where, on the embalming table or something?

Bearer: No no, in the kitchen floor.

King: Oh no!

Bearer: Yeah, in the kitchen floor of the [slaps thigh] funeral home.

King: [starts to giggle and laugh] Paul Bearer slips the salami to the Undertaker's mother on the kitchen floor.

Bearer: In the kitchen floor in the apartment of the funeral home.

King: Swear to God.

Bearer: I swear. It's the gospel truth. That's the way it happened. She took me, an innocent 19-year-old boy, as I lost my virginity to her. [as Lawler laughs] It's true!

King: Paul Bearer buries his bologna in the Undertaker's mother.

Bearer: She was a moaning, and a groanin, and screamin'... and I heard some little feet coming down the stairs. It's a good thing I got up, 'cause it was little Taker coming down the stairs. Stopped me just in time, [Lawler laughs] and if he did took two more steps, he'd have seen his momma's feet, one was in New York, the other was in LA!!! [they laugh as Bearer kicks his legs in delight]

King: Can you imagine if little Undertaker had come in and seen Paul Bearer and his mother bumping uglies?

May 25

[Vince McMahon and the stooges come back to the ring after Austin accepts his apology over the mauling the previous week and arrest]

Vince McMahon: I hope you've had some fun here tonight, Austin. Hope you're real proud of yourself of what you've accomplished. How dare you have me arrested in public like a common criminal! And pour beer down the back of my neck, and then place conditions upon my release, a condition of apology WHICH I DID NOT MEAN!!! and yet, another condition that should someone interfere to stand guard while I officiate the match at the pay-per-view this Sunday to ensure that I call the match fair and square, I accept that condition too and I'll tell you why, because other than Godzilla recently being released, there isn't one WWF superstar on the roster that can intimidate me, not one!

June 1

[Mick Foley has called out Mr McMahon over their failure to take down Stone Cold Steve Austin at Over the Edge and also expressed how good it was to bash him with a steel chair]

Vince McMahon: Why don't you do it again? Why don't you do it right now [points to chair] There's the chair. Come on, come on, [as Mick picks up and they go around the ring] make my day Dude, come on... Come on, HIT ME! Come on, hit me with the chair, come on, blast me - and just think about that college education, that college fund you've got for your kids, going ppft right in the air! Come on, come on dude, hit me! Come on, what about that new house you just moved into, huh? What about it? You know the one, the 20-year mortgage? TWENTY YEARS!! Hit me, come on hit me with the chair! What about that little fund you got set aside, for your parents, you know the one! You'd go through that in no time at all. Come on, Dude, come on Dude... Hit me, Dude. [Mick Foley sits down as Vince's taunts hit a raw nerve] COME ON, HAVE SOME GUTS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, COME ON, HIT ME WITH THE BLOODY CHAIR!! COME ON! Let me tell you something: the only reason I haven't fired Stone Cold Steve Austin is because he makes me richer! You know what you make me, Dude? [closer to Mick's face] All you do, is make me SICK! So I'll tell you what... your services in the World Wrestling Federation are no longer required. [later starts dancing as Dude Love music airs then leaves the ring]

---

[Undertaker appears in casual attire]

Undertaker: Let's start from the beginning, some ten years ago when I first arrived in the World Wrestling Federation. Vince McMahon was known as somebody that would give somebody an opportunity, even if they were just a little different. And Vince McMahon did just that. He gave me the chance to be myself, to be the Undertaker. But you see, that's where all the giving stops and all the taking began. Shortly after my arrival here in the World Wrestling Federation I became the slayer of the dragons. Then you ask what do I mean by that? Vince McMahon knew that I would be loyal for him giving me an opportunity, so what he did is he put every giant, every freak that he knew his handpicked champions couldn't beat and he'd stick me on 'em. And I'd beat 'em, I destroyed 'em and I moved on. What I did for Vince McMahon was make his kingdom safe for himself and all of his handpicked champions. The whole time I knew that my time would come. And after I made his kingdom safe and there was no one left, well then I got my opportunities. Oh yes, I am a two-time former World Wrestling Federation champion. But as you all know, my tenures as champion, they didn't last very long. Why? Because Vince McMahon didn't want someone like the Undertaker representing the World Wrestling Federation, but I remained loyal, even after all his hand-chosen favorites left town for greener pastures—more money—I stayed here. I stayed by his side thinking my time would come. How do I get repaid for that? He forces me to fight my own brother. He gives Paul Bearer an open forum to discuss every tragic incident that ever happened in the life of the Undertaker. For what reason? Let me tell you why: Because it's all ratings! He put my family tragedy on the line for ratings. And even after all that, I never lost my smile, I kept on fighting, and as I've been taking care of family business, Stone Cold Steve Austin rises to the top. But don't get me wrong, I got nothing against Steve Austin. The only thing Steve Austin ever did was come to the ring and fight me like a man—and that's all I ever asked. But you see, Vince, after the years of mistreatment and after the last eight months of you throwing my family up in my face, I've had enough. Now it's time the Undertaker got was is rightfully his. I demand... my shot... at the World Wrestling Federation title. Now, I've done enough talking. Now, Vince McMahon, Mr. McMahon, whatever it is you like to be called, I think it's time you've got your pencil-neck-geeked ass out here and face the Reaper.

[Vince McMahon appears and enters the ring. He suddenly takes the mic from Taker]

Vince McMahon: I'm gonna give you the answer you're looking for in just a minute, but first you're gonna hear me out! After all I've done for you, you choke-slammed me damn near to hell last week! [audience pops] You hovered over me like a giant vulture last night - and why? To get my attention? You got it! You got it. You wanna talk about loyalty, dedication, honor, all those qualities you have—I'll grant you that and I'm appreciative for it, but you know, let's face it: What have you done for Vince McMahon lately?

As far as your family is concerned, all your family problems, I've got a question for you. Is Paul Bearer telling the truth when he said that your mother was a whore? [stops Undertaker from a sudden reaction] I've got to ask. You want the answer? You want the answer? You wanna be the number one contender. You deserve to be the number one contender. That's what you want, that's what you'll get. Sure, no problem. You'll get it. [goes outside ropes] You'll get it if you defeat your opponent in this ring tonight. There you go, you got what you wanted, okay? So whoever wins the match between you and your opponent will be the number one contender in this ring, live, tonight. So let's see what happens, Undertaker, let's see what happens when you have to face your brother, Kane!!!

July 6

[Kane has just taken down Mankind as the No 1 contender for Austin at Fully Loaded, as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin watch along with JR and Jerry Lawler]

Vince McMahon: What about it, Austin? Kane...

Jerry Lawler: Look, look... [Kane takes off his mask to reveal it's the Undertaker underneath]

Jim Ross: It's not Kane! [Austin is surprised] It's the Undertaker, it's the Undertaker... [the Undertaker makes a throat-slitting motion to Austin] the Undertaker's the No 1 contender!!!

July 27

[Kaientai and their leader, Yamaguchi-san have just seen Val Venis defeat Brian Christopher]

Yamaguchi-san: Val Venis, look at me! Listen! Kaientai's gonna challenge you to a match next week. Val Venis, listen. After we win that match, I'll give you a big surprise to you! [gives mic to Dick Togo while Funaki readies a large salami roll on a wooden table. Yamaguchi-san slices it with a katana to his roaring delight.]

Jim Ross: [stunned] That's, that's a pretty subtle message...

Yamaguchi-san: I choppy-choppy your pee-pee!! HAHAHAA!!!

August 3

[Taka Michinoku has just turned on Val Venis during their match against Kaientai, and everybody's beating up Val]

Jim Ross: What in the heck is going on here? Why did Taka do this?

Taka Michinoku: [points to Mrs Yamaguchi-san] Sister! My sister!!!

Jerry Lawler: What did he just say? My sister?

Ross: Is Mrs Yamaguchi Taka Michinoku's sister?

Lawler: That's what he's saying. Well, that explains it JR. I mean, she not only disgraced Yamaguchi-san, but Taka's entire family!

August 10

[Jerry Lawler talks to Val Venis about how his ordeal with Kaientai went the week before]

Jerry Lawler: Are you still hanging in there?

Val Venis: Hello, ladies. You know tonight I come to you a humble man, half the man that I used to be, but you know, it's like they say - you live by the sword and you die by the sword. You know there's only one way to stop the mighty boa - and that's to sever it at the head. Well ladies, you better take a rain check on them new snakeskin boots, because - because - the Big Valbowski is alive and ready to bite, baby! Well you know something, thanks to a cold butcher's block, heh heh heh, and a little shrinkage, and of course my good friend, John Wayne Bobbitt, who just happened to cut the lights just at the appropriate time, the Big Valbowski is standing at full attention, cocked, rocked and ready to unload.

John Wayne Bobbitt: We live on the edge - Val ordered a club soda with a slice and the bartender tried to cut us off.

Lawler: John I don't want to cut you short - but I understand your ex-wife Lorena actually threw something out the window and it was lost out there for a while, but they found it right?

Bobbitt: Yeah they found it.

Lawler: Well that's a good thing because I was thinking how funny a picture of that would look on the side of a milk carton.

Venis: [to Yamaguchi-san's wife] Baby, it's been a long, hard road - but it ends right here, baby! You know something, ah don't cry baby, you see NO woman is worth the trouble that you brought me - no woman! I hope you enjoyed the ride baby, because this is where you get off! So take your shoes from under my bed and hit the bricks. Adios! Goodbye lady!

September 14

[Val Venis cuts into Dustin Rhodes' promo]

Val Venis: Repent? Repent for what, Dustin? Because I work hard? Or is it because I... play hard? Oh and by the way, Dustin, speaking of work, let me introduce you to my latest video, entitled, The Preacher's Wife. [TitanTron plays clip of The Preacher's Wife. A Film by Val Venis]

Venis: [in video toting cigar in a hotel room bed] Hello Dustin. You know something, after you jumped me from behind last night, I was a little hurt. In fact, I even needed a little TLC. So after I got back to the hotel, I made a little phone call to the one person who could take my mind off all my aches and pains, and make the Big Valbowski stand proud once again. [Terri Runnels appears out of the blanket, implying she was giving Val head]

Terri Runnels: Hi Dustin. [goes back under]

Venis: and again, and again... [laughs]

Dustin Runnels: [mouths off] My God... [breaks down kneeling with hands to his face]

Venis: [laughs] I guess getting on your knees, Dustin, RUNS IN THE FAMILY!!!

September 28

[Vince is bitterly angry that Austin crashed his WWF Championship awarding ceremony for the Undertaker and Kane]

Vince McMahon: Before I was so rudely interrupted, Undertaker and Kane, we were about to present the WWF Championship. However, if you recall, the deal was, Undertaker and Kane, you would get the title shot as long as you kept Stone Cold Steve Austin away from me. For three times, three times in less than a week, Austin has brutally attacked me!!

Jerry Lawler: That's right.

Vince McMahon: So let me say this, you didn't live up to your end of the deal, I'm not gonna live up to mine! [Undertaker glares at him]

Jerry Lawler: What? What is he saying, J.R.?

Vince McMahon: You're gonna have to fight for it! On the next pay-per-view, October 18, you two are gonna battle it out for the WWF Championship...

Jim Ross: That's at Judgment Day in three weeks...

McMahon: ...whether you like it or not. And by the way, since you can't seem to keep Stone Cold out of your business and mine, good, I'm gonna put him in it. Austin is gonna be the guest referee.

Jim Ross: Oh my God in heaven.

Jerry Lawler: What?

Jim Ross: Austin will referee Kane and the Undertaker at Judgment Day.

McMahon: And Stone Cold, Austin, I just hope that somewhere, your cellmate is telling you all of this right about now, because I wanna be there to watch him suffer the indignity of having to count one of you two monsters to the WWF Championship.

Lawler: Can you imagine that?

McMahon: However, so that everyone in this arena is not cheated, so that everyone at home watching Raw gets their money's worth, that in this ring tonight, you will see Undertaker and Kane in a handicap tag-team match, against three individuals...

Jim Ross: Three?

McMahon: ...Ken Shamrock, Mankind, and The Rock!

Jim Ross: Oh yeah! Shamrock, Mankind, The Rock against the Undertaker and Kane here tonight live.

McMahon: And maybe, just maybe you could get it right, I'd like to wish you the best of luck. You know why? I think you two are gonna need it because as far as I'm concerned, it's like dealing with the handicapped. One's physical [referring to Kane] and the other is mental [referring to Undertaker]. Good luck to you both.

[Undertaker grabs McMahon.]

Undertaker: You need to watch your ass, because the next time you get out of line with either one of us, you're gonna be the one handicapped, and that I will promise.

---

[Kane has just set up Mr. McMahon on the steel steps and Undertaker has the top two steps]

Jim Ross: Oh no, holding the ankle and the knee across the steps...Undertaker [sees Taker raising the steps] NO NO NO!! [Taker kayfabe smashes steps on McMahon's left shin] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!! [Taker leaves Vince reeling from the pain] Vince McMahon's leg's gotta be shattered now!!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Don't move it, don't move it!

Jim Ross: McMahon writhing in pain, at the hands of the two men that will meet for the WWF title in the Rosemont Horizon at Judgment Day with Steve Austin as the referee!

Jerry Lawler: [sad and concerned] How could this happen, J.R.? McMahon didn't mean it when he called them handicapped! CALL A DOCTOR!!!!

Pat Patterson: [over JR's commentary as he helps Vince] ...I can't believe it, those dirty bastards, they BROKE HIS LEG! Get somebody out here!

Jim Ross: McMahon, McMahon needs an ambulance. Well, you better not move him! My God, what else can happen here?

October 5

Nurse: [to Mr. McMahon] It looks just fine to me. [to a doctor] How about you, doctor?

Steve Austin: [disguising as a doctor] I'll take it from here, nurse.

Vince McMahon: NO!

[Austin attacks Vince McMahon.]

McMahon: Get him off me! Get him off me!!

Austin: [mumbles as he strips off Vince's shirt] How about your foot? [attacks Vince McMahon's injured ankle, on a cast at the foot of the bed. McMahon shrieks in pain] What do you think about that?

[Austin slams Vince McMahon with a bedpan, and he falls off the bed]

Austin: Calling Dr. Austin--Get up, you piece of trash. Get up, you piece of sh- [manhandles Vince back to bed] Calling Dr Austin we got a emergency!

McMahon: No, NOO!!

Austin: [sets up defibrillator] Everybody clear [shocks Vince and stoomps on him on the floor]

McMahon: [as Austin bends him over the bed and he gets an enema-like device connected to an IV drip] No! No please no!! No, help me, please!

Austin: I've always known you were full of shit, Vince. You just bow down. This is gonna hurt you more than it'll hurt me! [kayfabe jams device up Vince's butt. Vince screams loudly] You piece of trash!

October 12

[A cement truck appears.]

Jim Ross: What the hell is that?

Jerry Lawler: What is that?

Jim Ross: Is that...?

Jerry Lawler: It's a cement truck, and it's Stone Cold Steve Austin driving it.

Jim Ross: Oh my. Stone Cold Steve Austin is in the building.

Jerry Lawler: What is that idiot doing? We've seen him driving a Zamboni, now he's driving around a cement truck?

Jim Ross: Oh folks, this is going to get real interesting. The Rattlesnake is here. Is that going to make Mr. McMahon happy or not? We'll find out next.

---

Michael Cole: Stone Cold, what the hell are you doing? A cement truck?

Steve Austin: You heard it. I've got an open invitation, so I don't know what you're worked up about. But what I will tell you, if I wanted to get that one-legged bastard, Vince McMahon, and tell him to get his ass out here, because what I'm going to do might create a bit of interest in the McMahon side of the family. Now get your ass out here because I've got some work to do and I want to check my equipment out.

---

[Steve Austin is driving a cement truck toward Vince McMahon's Corvette.]

Jim Ross: Wait a minute.

Jerry Lawler: I knew it JR. He's trying to drive it right in here, then get ready to run. He'll run over us.

Jim Ross: Wait a minute, there's...

Lawler: Hey, wait a minute, don't run over Mr. McMahon's Corvette.

Ross: I don't think he's... [sees Austin setting up the mixer's metal trough on the car] it doesn't look like he's going to run over it.

Lawler: Wait a minute!

Ross: Oh my God, I don't believe this.

Lawler: You can't do that!

Ross: I do not believe this, ladies and gentlemen.

Lawler: Mr. McMahon! Mr. McMahon!

Ross: That's one of the Corvettes in Mr. McMahon's collection.

Lawler: That's a $50,000 car! No! J.R.! [cement mixture is poured into the car] NOOOO!

Ross: Oh my God! Oh my! Austin is loading McMahon's car with cement.

Vince McMahon: [watching it on the monitor] That's my Corvette!!!!

Ross: McMahon's car is being loaded with cement.

Lawler: Oh my God!

[The cement mix overflows, breaking the car's side and rear windows.]

Jim Ross: McMahon's prized Corvette, one of his collection, is being destroyed by the Rattlesnake.

Lawler: NOOOO!

Ross: The Rattlesnake has struck. [Austin leaves cement truck] And it looks like... Austin is coming our way.

Lawler: Somebody call the cops!!!

Ross: Austin is heading our way. The Rattlesnake, will he be here next?

Lawler: 911!

---

Steve Austin: First off, I'd like to thank Mr. McMahon for the invitation here tonight. Well, I apologize to you, because I guess it must have been some mistake in the address that went to Austin 3:16 Construction Company. See, what you did, Vince, you screwed Stone Cold Steve Austin. Hell, son, it's easy to see that you submitted your own damn fate. Because you can rest assured that Stone Cold Steve Austin — as long as he's here right in the World Wrestling Federation and as long as you're here, too — I will make your life a living hell, and that's all I got to say about that! As far as this Sunday goes, Stone Cold Steve Austin, special referee... Hell, I'll be glad to put the striped shirt on, because I think I'd make a damn good referee for this match. If you think Stone Cold Steve Austin would make a damn good referee, give me a hell yeah! [audience reacts] I'll tell you this: After those two big bastards beat the living hell out of each other, you can bet your ass, that the only hand Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna hold up is my own.

Jerry Lawler: What?

Steve Austin: And the thing about this, Vince, there ain't a damn thing that you can do about it. [at the stage, Vince McMahon appears in a wheelchair] Awww... Go ahead and hurl your little ass down here!

Vince McMahon: [Big Boss Man and two police K9s and their handlers appear] As you were saying?

Jerry Lawler: There you go.

Vince McMahon: Stick it! Get him! Stick it! Get him!!! [Austin tries to rush Vince but stops when the dogs reach out short of him] Yeah come on, Austin! That's it! Yeah, come on! Come on!! [Austin flips off at him] I hope you're proud of yourself yeah, that's it, I hope you're real proud. What gives you the right to destroy other people's property? What gives you the right to pour concrete in one of my Corvettes? That was part of a collection and now you've ruined it! I just hope that the Stone Cold Steve Austin Construction Company gives you a pair of boots 'cause you're gonna need 'em tonight, let me tell you that! You're gonna need 'em, because you're gonna be wrestling in that ring tonight. Yeah, but you're not gonna be wrestling by yourself, oh no! I've got a partner picked out for you: the so-called People's Champion, The Rock!

Jim Ross: Austin and The Rock together?

Vince McMahon: Yeah, that's the good news — if there is any good news. The bad news is that you and The Rock will be facing two individuals that I hope annihilate each other this Sunday. You'll be facing The Undertaker and Kane! [audience pop]

Jim Ross: Right here tonight live, Austin and The Rock against The Undertaker and Kane.

Vince McMahon: I also hope that the Austin 3:16 Construction Company is gonna provide you with a real good rear-view mirror, because I think some time tonight, you're gonna have to have eyes in the back of your head. I think, of all I've been through, these last two weeks — And I admit, my life has been a living hell. I admit—[miffed at "Asshole!" chants] WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Austin: I don't know how good your hearing is, but you got about 15,000 people calling you an asshole! [audience pop]

McMahon: Over the last two weeks — it all started after you lost the WWF title, and you recklessly and carelessly drove that Zamboni at full speed into the arena — YOU DIDN'T CARE WHO YOU RAN OVER as long as you got to me! [anguished] And then from there, you got to me, alright. And after you did — And because of you, The Undertaker and Kane crushed my ankle. [gestures to ankle] It's crushed! I may never, ever again, play another polo match. I may never again ride a horse, ever. I may never again compete in an athletic event, and I hold you responsible!

And then, in the hospital, last week — my god! My head is still ringing from being struck in the cranium by that big metal bed pan.

Jim Ross: Bed pan McMahon.

McMahon: My nervous system is still in shock over that defibrillation. And my rectal area, [cringes at recalling the moment] when you stuck... YOU VIOLATED ME, AUSTIN! YOU VIOLATED ME! That damn open hospital gown — Let me tell you something: As much humiliation have I had [corrects himself] that I have suffered, you're gonna suffer more and I'll tell you where, and I'll tell you when. It'll be this Sunday and it'll be in Chicago. Let me tell you something: If you don't raise the hand of the new World Wrestling Federation champion and humble yourself before me, then read my lips: I promise you, I GUARANTEE YOU, Austin, if you don't raise the hand of a new WWF champion, this Sunday, on the spot, I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS!

Jim Ross: Good God.

Jerry Lawler: Woh. He guaranteed it.

Austin: You stupid bastard, you ain't got the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin!

McMahon: [irked] I don't have the balls? I've got balls the size of grapefruits! And this Sunday, you're gonna be picking the seeds out of your teeth, because, Austin, you will be humbled! I guarantee it! One way or the other — the easy way: you raise the hand of a champion. The hard way: I PUBLICLY, I GUARANTEE, I WILL [points at Austin with every word] FIRE YOUR ASS THIS SUNDAY! Hit the music!

[Vince McMahon leaves.]

Jerry Lawler: He meant it, JR. He guaranteed it.

Jim Ross: I'll tell you one thing. When McMahon guaranteed that Austin would lose the WWF title, it happened. And now McMahon has guaranteed that if Stone Cold Steve Austin does not humble himself and raise the hand of a new WWF Champion this Sunday on pay-per-view, that Austin will be fired right on the spot.

October 19

[all WWF Superstars are assembled in and around the ring for an address from Mr. McMahon]

Vince McMahon: May I have your attention, please?! [crowd chants "Asshole!"] May I have your attention? I have a very important announcement to make as relates to the World Wrestling Federation Championship. As a result of an individual who is no longer gainfully employed here in the World Wrestling Federation, we have no World Wrestling Federation champion, as we speak. However, I assure you, that on the night of November 15 at the Survivor Series—as a matter of fact, I guarantee you... oh oh, there goes that word again: I guarantee you! Nonetheless, I guarantee you that on November 15 at the end of that evening we will have an undisputed WWF Champion, because on that night, at the Survivor Series, 16 WWF Superstars will compete in a one-night tournament to determine just who will be the next undisputed WWF Champion.

Now, as far as some of the events of last night are concerned: Seems as though some of you are in a state of shock, some of you are in a state of disbelief. [more 'Asshole!' chants] If I am, I'm damn proud of it! Some of you are certainly in a state of shock as—'Did Vince McMahon really fire Stone Cold Steve Austin last night?' Well, for the benefit of those of you who did not join us on pay-per-view, last night at Judgment Day—how appropriate: Judgment Day! Let me repeat the words I said to Stone Cold Steve Austin: 'Austin, screw you! You're fired!' How did Austin take this news? Well, I show you how he took this news, on the TitanTron; if you'll direct your attention, someone from the production will put up a freeze frame of Stone Cold Steve Austin's face. And as soon as Stone Cold heard those words, Stone Cold had that look on his face. [gloats about the shot] A look of disbelief! He couldn't believe he had just been fired. Austin, as a matter of fact, started mumbling about something about hunting season or going hunting—I didn't know what he meant until this morning someone told me that rumor was, Austin was indeed hunting. He was hunting for a job!

Austin, if you ever come into a World Wrestling Federation arena again, then you'll do so just like this capacity crowd: You'll have to buy a ticket, Austin! [more 'Asshole!' chants] So, what did it feel like? Many of you are saying to yourself, 'My God, what's it like to be Vince McMahon? What's it like to have the balls to fire Stone Cold Steve Austin?' I really wondered. I wondered if Austin provoked me, how I would feel. And last night I searched. And last night, when I fired Austin, I'll admit it felt pretty damn good. At the end of the evening, after asking that question again, I was convinced it felt great. And then, this morning—you know, when you look into that mirror, bright and early, when you first get up, that soul-searching—Alright, Vince McMahon, how did you feel after firing Stone Cold Steve Austin? You know what it felt like to me this morning? IT WAS BETTER THAN SEX!

Which brings me as to why each and everyone of you stand before me as WWF Superstars. Hopefully, you all learned the lesson that Stone Cold learned last night. Hopefully, no one in that ring will EVER cross the boss, because none of you are as big as Vince McMahon! You know, all that Austin 3:16 paraphernalia out there, T-shirts, what have you? Another rumor going around... that it's going like hotcakes, because now Austin 3:16—that's a collector's item, you see! Now there's a new expression. A new expression that's gonna be sweeping the nation, sweeping the globe; and that's McMahon 3:16... And McMahon 3:16 says, "I've got the brass to fire your ass." Thank you very much! Thank you, Gentlemen! [freeze frame shot of Austin turns into live shot of Austin at his truck, in hunting camouflage bringing his rifle and bow set]

---

[Paul Bearer and Undertaker appear one day after they turned on Kane]

Undertaker: As you can plainly see, there has been a reconciliation made. Brother, Paul has come home to lead my Ministry of Darkness. And I'm sure that there is those who can't understand because they have no vision how I could align myself once more with such a despicable, evil, maniacal individual. Well if those aren't reasons enough, I don't guess I can explain it any better. What we have, is someone with vision. Someone who truly understands the power of darkness. He allowed me to clear my head and refocus on what it is I'm here for. Now what we have is a beginning of a new era. And we will unleash with our Ministry of Darkness, a plague for which the World Wrestling Federation has never seen, nor will it be ever understood amongst those who do not relish in the darkness. So now, those of you, who do not declare, shall be declared!

Paul Bearer: Kane, I used you boy. Ever since you were a little child, I took care of you like a pet, like a put dog on a leash. Just for special occasions, yes I used you, because you're stupid! You're weak! You can't even speak for yourself! You turned your back on me twice. The first time was 8 weeks ago, the last time was last night boy! You could never understand the darkness Kane, that's why I'll never have any use for you again.

Undertaker: You know Kane, I know there is a thought that's been burning in your mind for years. You really wanna know what happened the day you caught on fire? Well listen, and listen close: I set that fire! And I set it because you were weak as a child, and you are weak now. And we have no room for the weak. Only the strong shall survive.

[Kane comes with a casket, looks like he is going to challenge Undertaker]

Kane: You and I... tonight... casket match! And brother... you will... REST IN PEACE!

---

[Having held Vince McMahon hostage all night long, Austin ups the ante with a toy revolver that reads BANG 3:16]

Austin: You've got to remember, Vince, it wasn't Stone Cold that screwed Vince McMahon, it was Vince McMahon that screwed Vince McMahon. [notices pants] I think you've got a problem there. Looks like we've got another shirt out on the way. That shirt might just say, "McMahon 3:16 says, 'I just pissed my pants.'"

October 26

[Vince McMahon appears with his lawyers, Sgt Slaughter and the stooges plus Big Boss Man]

Vince McMahon: Against, against my volition, Stone Cold Steve Austin is here in this arena, tonight. Not only do I hold Stone Cold Steve Austin responsible for every single, reprehensible act he committed against me, I want all of you people to know, that I hold [points to audience] each and every one of you responsible as well! My God, what's the matter with you people? I've lost all faith in humanity! Where the hell are your values? Where are your morals!? Whatever happened to the Good Samaritan? Where were you in my hour of need? I'll tell you where you were: you were cheering for every act of humiliation Austin committed against me! You savored every violation, every liberty that Austin took against me, but what you enjoyed the most was when Austin forced me to go to the ring. He made me get down on my knees, he made me beg! He made me... [saddened] he made me cry! He made me urinate myself! [angry] And where were you? Where were any of you? No one came to my aid. [to stooges] Not you, Brisco! Not you Patterson, or the Commissioner, no one. My ankle has been reinjured, I've ruined a perfectly good Armani suit. I hurt all over. But most of all, my feelings have been hurt. They have been crushed, but despite the injury, the insult Austin, after the injury I will never ever forgive you for! That wasn't a letter of introduction you jammed down in my coat pocket oh no, that was a legal document Austin and you know damn well then it was a legal document, and with this battery of attorneys I have behind me, Austin, I will fight you. I will fight you in court if I can, hell I'll fight you all the way to the Supreme Court! Austin, before you make your next move, you better take stock in what I say.

Steve Austin: [appears on TitanTron] Well speaking of stock, here am I. I've been stocking Pampers diapers, in case the bastard pisses all over himself! You know what I mean!

---

[Shane McMahon appears as Vince fumes at Austin being employed in the WWF with a new contract and ignores his calls to join him on the stage]

Shane McMahon: I don't listen to you anymore. I am an officer, more importantly, a stockholder of this company, and what you did to Stone Cold Steve Austin was wrong, Dad. You were wrong.

Vince McMahon: [to the stooges] He's just a kid, he's just a kid!

Shane: I just wanted to tell you personally that it was me. It was me, Dad, that hired Stone Cold back. Dad, it was me!... Hey, I guess I finally have your attention now, don't I? After 28 years, I FINALLY have your attention. I've seen superstars come, and I've seen superstars go, and why, Dad, why? Because it's always been about your ego! You said it yourself: no one's bigger than Vince McMahon, oh no! All my life, people have asked me, 'Boy, what's it like to be Vince McMahon's son? Wow, isn't that great?' And I have lied year after year after year... [gets more emotional] to protect you, to protect our family name. Well, the lying stops now! I'm tired of it!... You never cared about me! Everything—I couldn't do anything right for you. Nothing is ever right. My grades in school were never good enough for you.

Vince: [in tears] Yes they were!

Shane: My athletic accomplishments were never good enough for you. My business deals—no matter how much money I made you—was never good enough for YOU! The only thing I ever wanted from you, the only thing I ever wanted, is for you to be proud of me. OF ME! But I finally figured it out: That's never ever gonna happen, because it's never been about me, it's been about you. YOU, DAD! [Vince closes his eyes and grimaces because Shane struck a raw nerve] It's always about perception. Perception. Ever since, I'm always known as Vince's boy. 'How does Vince's boy make him look?' It wasn't about me, it was about how I made you look, that perception, at your big corporate parties.

Vince: [saddened] You're my son—

Shane: Yeah, I'm your son, but I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a man and I stand in this ring as a man. I'm no longer your boy, Dad. I'm proud of who I am. I am proud of the person I have become. My name is Shane McMahon, and for 28 years—for 28 years I've finally built up enough courage to face you here today, to stand up to YOU! I guess, now you have something to be proud of me about, don't you Dad? Because I finally stood up to you and I had the BRASS to do it!... Isn't it ironic? I guess, I'm just like you after all, isn't that right, Dad?!? [tosses mic back to Austin as Vince rebuffs Pat Patterson trying to comfort him]

Steve Austin: If you think Vince got what he had comin', gimme a hell yeah.

Audience: HELL YEAH!!

November 2

[A wheelchair-bound Vince McMahon has just made Mankind promise he won't interfere in an upcoming match between Ken Shamrock and the Rock and has something for him]

Vince McMahon: I have it for you. [takes off black sheet] This is the WWF Hardcore Championship belt, and Mick, you've earned it. You've earned it. [Big Boss Man moves away to open a door]

Mankind: [accepts title and laughs] I love it! [kisses belt] I gotta be honest with you, I love it!

Vince: Just one thing. In some respects, I think I lost a son tonight... [puts hand on Mankind's shoulder] maybe I gained another.

Mankind: Really? [Vince drives off] Gee thanks, Dad. [Vince stops, visibly irked. Leaves]

November 16

[Vince McMahon addresses the crowd]

Vince McMahon: Thank you for that warm Kentucky reception! Last night at the Survivor Series, my son Shane and I proved that whoever it was that said 'you can't fool all of the people all of the time' was a damn fool. A damned fool is someone who insists on doing things the hard way. A damned fool is someone who embraces middle class ethics and values. And a damned fool, a damned fool is someone who doesn't pucker up and kiss the boss' ass. Now now now wait a minute, now don't tell me all of you don't kiss the boss' ass, I know you do, you probably don't just kiss it enough! Right now, I would like to introduce you to someone who certainly is no damn fool, oh no, he's not the People's Champion, he never was; he's always been MY Champion. Ladies and gentlemen, the World Wrestling Federation Champion - the CORPORATE Champion - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ROCK! [The Rock comes to the ring] Ladies and gentlemen, listen up to the Rock!

The Rock: You know Mr. McMahon, all day long the Rock's phone has been ringin' off the hook, and the message has been clear. Why Rock? Why did you sell out? Well, actually, the Rock never sold out - the Rock just... got ahead. Now, will some of you call the Rock a kissass? Well I'm sure you will, because quite frankly, you are all unintelligent pieces of trailer park trash - do you smell it? Now, you pieces of trash - you work your candyasses off day after day after day, 9 to 5, for minimum wage. Well, the Rock did what the Rock had to do to get to the top of the World and that is him standing smack dab in the middle of the Corporate ring, your WWF World Champion!

Now, sure, you pieces of trash, you work hard, you do what you have to do, day after day, and quite frankly, you're all no different from a big piece - the biggest piece of trailer park trash in Stone Cold Steve Austin. Well, I'll tell you what, you and Austin, you can have your morality, you can have your honesty, you can have your blood... you can have your blood, your sweat and your tears, I'll tell you what, all that hard work, fifty cents couldn't buy you a cup of redneck coffee. Now: 'Die Rocky Die.' 'Rocky Sucks?'

You see, the Rock NEVER, EVER forgot that, and he's gonna damn sure make sure that you NEVER, EVER forget it as well. You see what the Rock plans on doin' is he plans on raisin' the Peop- oh, I'm sorry, he plans on raisin' the Corporate Eyebrow, he plans on planting ya with the Rock Bottom, and the Rock damn sure plans on layin' the smack down on your candy ass with the most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, the Corporate Elbow. Now, the Rock said that he would rather be the People's Ass than to ever kiss his. But now, the Rock says, he would much rather kiss Mr. McMahon's ass than to EVER, and the Rock means EVER, kiss yours if you smell what the Rock is cooking!

November 23

[The Undertaker and Paul Bearer are setting up a sedated Stone Cold Steve Austin to be embalmed alive]

The Undertaker: [to Austin as Paul Bearer patches him up] I hope that you could hear me, because what you're about to experience is the worst imaginable pain and horror that you could ever endure. You see there, Austin? When one understands it, they become ageless. They become deathless. They become immortal!! [begins sacrificial oration] Satana, badala, anda ov satana [picks up trocar and prepares to stab Austin] Satana, nadala, anail, nathrak, dorthnei, diednei [knock on door and Paul Bearer answers]

Paul Bearer: [sees who it is] Kane!!!

December 7

[Austin comes to ring with everyone's cheer]

Steve Austin: For the last few months, here in the World Wrestling Federation, with the title or without, Vince McMahon has seen fit to throw everything that he can at Stone Cold Steve Austin and somehow I've always managed to scrape by. That's all fine and well, but six days from now at Rock Bottom in a Buried Alive match, in my opinion, the stakes are stacked higher than they've ever been for Stone Cold Steve Austin. Undertaker, you come out here, talk about sacrificing me, about wanting my soul, you hit me in the head with a shovel, you tried to bury me, you tried to embalm me and none of that worked... in the Ministry of Stone Cold Steve Austin, at Rock Bottom, you can bet your ass that you can expect no mercy from Stone Cold Steve Austin, and that's all I got to say about that!

[Lights get closed and Undertaker's theme song plays as a TX symbol appears in front of the screen]

Undertaker: [voiceover] Austin, we've traveled down the highway to hell, and our journey has enlightened us on a few matters. One, you're helpless against my Ministry, and the other is I can take your rotting soul any time I wish. Tonight, our journey stops in your purgatory, where you will remain until Rock Bottom, and on that night boy, I will sacrifice you to the Ministry of Darkness and let the entire world watch you get buried alive and BURN IN HELL!

[The symbol gets burned by a storm, as Austin is a little scared]

December 28

Val Venis: Hello, ladies! You know something? For the next couple of days, [points to right leg] this leg will be known as Christmas, and [points to left leg] this leg will be known as New Years. So ladies, why don't y'all come visit the Big Valbowski between the holidays.

1999

January 4

[The Rock is livid that Vince caved to Mankind's demand for a WWF title match just to spare Shane from a broken shoulder]

The Rock: I'm the damn champ. How could you just give in so damn easy? Regardless of who it is, I'm not even ready, the Rock doesn't have his clothes, he got nothing... [Shane and Vince talk over him]

Shane McMahon: He nearly broke my left shoulder.

Vince McMahon: It's my son, dammit!

The Rock: The Rock doesn't have his clothes. I'm the champ and then now all of a sudden, I gotta face Mankind?!

Vince: It's my son!!

The Rock: I know it's your damn son but dammit I...

Vince: [as they all walk to the backstage] Go get ready, you're a champion! C'mon, get ready, you're a champion!

---

[During the No-Disqualification WWF Championship match]

Michael Cole: DX and the Corporate Team are going at it!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Look out! [Glass shatters] What?! Oh no!

Cole: Stone Cold is here! Stone Cold is here!

Lawler: Look out, Mr. McMahon! The Rattlesnake is here!

[Austin enters the ring and nails The Rock on the head with a chair]

Cole: Stone Cold with a chair! [Austin drapes Mankind on top of The Rock] He pulled Mankind on The Rock!

Lawler: [as Hebner counts] No! No! [Three count] Don't do it! [arena erupts]

Tony Chimel: Here is your winner and the NEW World Wrestling Federation Champion: Mankind!

Lawler: [over the announcement] Oh my God, no!

Cole: Mankind did it! Mick Foley did it!

Lawler: No, Stone Cold did it!

Cole: Mankind has achieved his dream, and the dream of everyone else who's been told, "you can't do it"!

Lawler: No! You can't do it! You can't do this!

---

Mankind: At the risk of not sounding very cool, I'd like to dedicate this match to my two little people at home and say...BIG DADDIO DID IT!

Jerry Lawler: This is the blackest day in the history of the WWF!!

January 11

[The Acolytes look on, waiting for "He" and having Dennis Knight ready for him; The Undertaker comes to stage and sits to his throne]

Undertaker: They lay me down in a grave as if it would be my final resting place.... filling it with the Earth's rotting soil. They tried to destroy me, wishing I would just go away. But what is it? What have they really done? The simple minds of mortal men... they sent me back to the place that is my origin. Destroy me? The more they try, the more powerful I've become. And now, I've risen from my Earthy grave and I will slay the ones I once saved. The reckoning is upon us. The day that the Ministry of Darkness seizes the land, destroys all that you hold dear, make play things our of your heroes and devours your innocence. The plague of darkness is coming; an all encompassing evil from which there is no escape, no mercy, no hope. Its called the future. And in the future, I will look down upon thee and I will decide whether you are an Agent of Darkness, or are you just mere kindling for my fires. The Power of Darkness shall be offered only to a chosen few. And those that resist the temptations of my Ministry, pain becomes synonymous with punishment. Embrace the Darkness and relish in the unearthly delight that pain has to offer. Resist and there are no limits to the torment you subject yourself to. Don't fight it. It will tear your soul apart. So let my servants be few and secret. They shall rule the many and the known, for I am the Reaper of men, the Chaser of souls, the Weaver of nightmares. I am the Heart of Darkness. I am now and ever will be the Purity of Evil. The Hell you were threatened with as a child is no longer an option. It is a reality, a living, breathing reality and you are all right in the middle of it. Yes, Hell has relocated to Earth.

[He comes to Knight, touches him, cuts his wrist and fills cup with his blood]

Undertaker: From this moment on, you are no longer Dennis Knight. You are Mideon. Now drink.

[Knight, or Mideon, drinks Undertaker's blood, Taker gets Knight's cloth open and draws his symbol to Knight's chest with a knife, goes in front of his throne]

Undertaker: Now you will know why you are afraid of the dark and you will learn why.

[Undertaker's symbol gets burned by a storm]

---

[Chyna appears as the last Corporate Rumble entry but Vince McMahon is distracted by Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Jerry Lawler: [sees Chyna] We got problems! Watch out, watch out [as Chyna rolls Vince over the top rope] WATCH OUT!!

Michael Cole: [as Shane repeatedly screams NO! seeing Vince whiplashed and sprawled from the bottom rope] There goes the draw! Chyna wins the Corporate Rumble! Chyna is No 30 in the Royal Rumble!

Lawler: Mr McMahon has been eliminated by a woman!!

Cole: Austin made sure that he meets Mr McMahon first at the Rumble!

Shane McMahon: Austin you'll pay!!!! Austin you're gonna pay at the Rumble!

Cole: Steve Austin and Mr McMahon are gonna be one on one at the Rumble.

McMahon: I HATE HIM!!! I HATE HIM!!!

Cole: Mr McMahon is No 2. Stone Cold is No 1..

McMahon: How can Chyna be No 30?!?

Cole: The Rattlesnake has struck again.

McMahon: Austin will pay for this, I tell you that!

January 18

[Undertaker comes to stage and sits on his throne as Mideon sits across him]

Undertaker: Poor wretched souls. Your world is polluted with rotting souls. Seven nights past, you witnessed one of these souls become one with the power of the Darkness. Mideon - he was once a forgotten face in a vast ocean of individuals abused by the corrupt politics of your world. Now, he sees what you cannot. He feels what you cannot. Seven nights ago, Dennis Knight ceased to exist and Mideon was given everlasting life. As was all of my Ministry. Tonight, I speak a prophecy - and what I will shall be done. The sacrifices are not over. And the ceremony has been scheduled. For all who walk on the mortal side of life, take heed: On January 24th, the next sacrificial lamb will be led to slaughter, and your simple minds won't allow you to believe who the next victim will be. So attend if you dare, resist - and you subject yourself to agonising pain and extreme suffering. So until we meet again, accept the Lord of Darkness as your saviour! Allow the purity of evil to guide you!

January 25

[Aftermath of Royal Rumble. Mr. McMahon and The Corporation explaining the aftermath in which McMahon was the Royal Rumble winner, and that he waived all rights and privileges to face the WWF Champion at WrestleMania. Commentary by Michael Cole and Jerry "The King" Lawler.]

Mr. McMahon: Stone Cold, I told you there was no chance in hell of you winning the Royal Rumble!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: I love to hear him say that. That is so great— Say it again!

McMahon: And quite frankly, Austin... as far as I'm concerned, you will never, ever again step into the ring with the WWF Champion, much less myself, because you know what, Stone Cold? You've simply run out of chances, Austin.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Good.

[The Titantron appears on screen with a familiar voice.]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Hey, jackass, look over the big screen! I'm up here!

Michael Cole: Hey!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: What?

McMahon: [surprised] Wha—What are you—What are you?

Austin: [on-screen live via satellite] (Don't) look at me in your side, look at me, you sorry son of a bitch!

McMahon: You're— you're up where? Where are you?

Austin: I'm in Texas.

McMahon: Oh, okay. You're in Texas, I'm in Arizona. That makes sense to me, because I'm sure that you've been humiliated! I'm sure you can't even come out of your house! I'm sure people are coming up to you and saying, "Hey, aren't you the guy— Aren't you the guy that Vince McMahon threw over the top rope?"

Lawler: Ha-hah! Yes!

Cole: [deadpan] I doubt it.

Austin: [grins] Yeah, I think that sounds all— That sounds fine, Vince, but uh, I'll tell you this...I'm going to WrestleMania.

Cole: What? Well— I-I guess, as a fan—

McMahon: Uh...wha— You mean— You mean you're gonna buy a ticket to go to WrestleMania?

Austin: No, you dumb son of a bitch, I'm telling you I'm going to WrestleMania to face the champion!

Lawler: [confused] What?

McMahon: Uh...no— Well, you must be, chewing on some locoweed or something down there in Texas...

Lawler: Yeah. [The Rock mocking the gesture based on McMahon's claim]

McMahon: ...I-I have no idea— I mean...what— What are you saying?

Austin: Eh, I don't know what you're talking about all this locoweed— all your little crap you're talking about. I'm telling you right now in English: Read my lips if you got a hard time hearing what I'm saying! I'm going to WrestleMania to wrestle the champion! I'm telling you that, but not just me telling you that! [gestures off-screen] The guy right beside me is telling you the same damn thing!

[Camera pulls back to reveal Commissioner Shawn Michaels siding next to Austin.]

Lawler: [shocked] What? What!?

Cole: [overlapping Lawler] It's the Commissioner! Commissioner Shawn Michaels is with Austin!

[McMahon reacts with a gulp.]

February 15

[The Ministry of Darkness come to the ring]

Paul Bearer: You don't hear the fat man talk too much these days unless I have something very important to say, so I suggest you listen. And you - owner of the World Wrestling Federation, Vincent K. McMahon - bring your butt off that pedestal that you built for yourself and listen to the Lord of Darkness.

Undertaker: McMahon, in time, your World Wrestling Federation will belong to me. One by one, they will all fall before my Ministry. Last night, the Bossman received just a small sample of the power I possess. Last night, Bossman, we let you go. Next time, you won't be so lucky. What we did, Mr. McMahon, is we went to the heart and soul of your Corporation and we took him out. Just to let you know that we can take anybody, any time we desire. And there's not a damn thing that you can do about it. Now I'm sure you're asking yourself, Mr. McMahon, how can I be so confident? How can I succeed when all others have failed? It's simple. I own the key to your heart, and your soul. While you were preoccupied with your petty obsessions, I have amassed an army. An army that will destroy you and your corporation. Each soul that we take, we take in the name of a far greater power than even myself. And in that power's name, in its grandest vision, in its grandest dream, and in my Ministry's destiny, I will own the World Wrestling Federation.

[Big Bossman appears, who got attacked by the Ministry previous night]

Big Bossman: You want some of me? You want some of the Big Bossman? I don't think so. I'm not hard to find. You got aspirations, taking over the Corporation? No way, pal. Bottomline is, if you got the guts, let's get it started here tonight. Any three of you punks against me, two of my guys, tonight. You know what I mean. Undertaker, it's just a matter of time, punk, I'm gonna stick my foot up your dead ass!

[Bossman leaves the stage]

Undertaker: You know, you should be more careful what you ask for.

---

[As the match between the Ministry of Darkness and the Corporation continues, the lights get off and The Undertaker comes with the rest of the Ministry, having Shane McMahon kidnapped]

Undertaker: Boy, I should carve your heart out right here. But I don't think your father would really give a damn. But then again.

[Undertaker lifts Shane up while choking him]

Undertaker: Here boy, I do have something for you.

Shane: Don't cut me, please don't cut me!

[Undertaker takes out an envelope of the inner pocket of his robe]

Shane: Don't cut me!

Undertaker: Listen boy, give this to your father and tell him it comes from the Lord of Darkness.

[Shane takes the envelope and gets off]

February 22

[The Undertaker appears on the titantron]

Undertaker: The battle has been joined. My agents of darkness are poised to unleash my reign of terror on the World Wrestling Federation. All in the name of my master. McMahon, you think you have problems with Austin. Oh, but your problems, they've just begun. And the audacity. Do you think you can actually eliminate me with an Inferno Match? Don't you realize there's some flames that can't be extinguished? And the Lord of Darkness is one of them. Soon McMahon, you will realize that I am your worst nightmare. And by the way, tonight, I intend on showing you just how serious I am with my threat. Tonight, if you like, you can even call it a surprise. McMahon, the World Wrestling Federation will be mine.

March 22

[Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and the Rock have just been given a beer bath by Stone Cold Steve Austin]

Jerry Lawler: [seeing Vince totally drenched] Look at Mr McMahon. That's a $3,000 suit!

Michael Cole: It was a $3,000 suit!

---

Billy Gunn: Tonight is the night when the New Age Outlaws see who is the best of the best. You see, it's called competitiveness, and that's what made the New Age Outlaws what they are today—the best tag team to ever step foot in the World Wrestling Federation. But tonight, Mr. Ass is walking out with the Intercontinental Title and the Hardcore Title. Sorry.

Road Dogg: Well, don't be sorry, because the D-O-double-G lives his life all or nothing, and tonight he's gonna walk away with A-double-L. So Mr. A-double-crooked-letter, I'll see your ass at ringside.

Gunn: [sotto voce] Yep, and you'll walk out with nothing like when I found you.

March 29

X-Pac: You know, one year ago tonight, I came back here to the World Wrestling Federation. I came back because I got a call from a friend. He said, "Kid, DX has fallen apart. Please come help hold this thing together." Well, it's been a hell of a ride! Along with the New Age Outlaws, we've kicked ass and taken names for a year straight!

But unless you've had your head buried in the sand, you know last night, that all changed. You know, we've got a lot of important choices to make in life, and last night, you made yours. But tonight, I make mine, and D-Generation X will not die! X-Pac and the New Age Outlaws will come out here each and every week and say "Suck It!" and raise hell!

But now, I'm talking to you, Hunter. That is your name, but tonight, you're not Hunter, you are the hunted, pal. Because tonight, we will fight, and your ass is grass, and I'm gonna smoke it!

April 26

[Vince is asking Stone Cold Steve Austin to deliver the WWF's ownership papers personally to the Undertaker as ransom for Stephanie McMahon, but Austin is not quite convinced of his sincerity]

Vince McMahon: I don't mean to interrupt, but, I guess maybe I do. This is not easy for me, but...what I'm trying to say...to make a long story short, I need your help.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: You said— You said what? You need my help? Is that what you said?

Vince McMahon: I need your help. The Undertaker has my daughter, Stephanie, and I need your help.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: You got to clear this up exactly for me. What are you trying to say? Just go ahead and say something, 'cause you ain't making no sense.

Vince McMahon: Well...this isn't— It's not anything personal. I know that you don't like me and I know you never will.

[Austin nods in agreement mouthing 'Right!']

Vince McMahon: And the feeling is somewhat mutual, but...it's not about you and me. This is personal and it involves my daughter Stephanie. And Steve, you can help me.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: With all due respect, to you and your little daughter— Hell, son, I've got a million problems of my own. So as far as I'm concerned, I really don't give a rat's ass about your problems.

Vince McMahon: But Steve, The Undertaker has made...he's made some demands. He's asked for some documentation and that's all right with me, I don't care about the documentation. But he's made other demands. He's demanded that, instead of me delivering the documentation to him, he's demanded that you deliver that documentation to him, and if you do that I really believe that everything will be fine with my daughter Stephanie, and I think you can understand from my point of view as a father.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What you're saying is— What you're saying is Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's what you're saying?

[Vince nods sheepishly]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: So if that's true...if that is true that Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, then that's what I want you to say to me. Say it to me: "Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin."

Vince McMahon: Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: That all sounds real good Vince, but hell, you must think that I have a real horrible memory because the last 15 months, every single night I come to work, you see fit to put my life, make my life a living hell, and I will give you credit, you have done one helluva job.

[Vince is dejected]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Stone Cold Steve Austin never forgets one single thing that happens right here in the World Wrestling Federation. So...since Vince McMahon needs Stone Cold Steve Austin, I'll say this. By the same token, Stone Cold Steve Austin needs Vince McMahon...

[Vince seems optimistic]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: ...to kiss his ass, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!!

[a saddened Vince walks away]

---

[the Ministry of Darkness prepares Stephanie McMahon to be married to the Undertaker - even as she screams away and the Undertaker touches her]

Undertaker: Before the ceremony begins, I must address the McMahon family, I am not to blame for what is about to happen here. Vince, this rests upon your shoulders, because you did not live up to your end of the agreement. And Steve Austin, well I guess, showed his true colors as well. Paul, let the ceremony begin.

Paul Bearer: Dearly unbeloved, we gather here this evening to join Stephanie Marie McMahon, in the unholy wedlock with the Lord of Darkness. Tonight, Stephanie Marie McMahon will step from the light of this evil, cesspool, mortal world, into the sanctuary of eternal darkness. Keeping this in mind, will you, Stephanie Marie McMahon accept the purity of evil and take the Lord of Darkness as your master and your spouse?

Stephanie McMahon: No! NOOO!!!

[Ken Shamrock tries to get in but the Acolytes hold him down to be squashed by Viscera]

Bearer: Lord of Darkness, is it your intent to accept Stephanie Marie McMahon, her body, her mind, her soul, and even her breath unto yourself, [Taker lightly reaches for her neck] and allow her to bear your offspring?

Stephanie: NOOO!!!!

Undertaker: I do.

[the Big Show appears and breaks through the Acolytes and Viscera - but Undertaker gets Shamrock's baseball bat and hits him off the ring]

Bearer: By the power vested in me by the Lord of Darkness, I now pronounce you as the Unholy Union of Darkness. You may now kiss your bride!

[Stone Cold runs to the ring and brawls Undertaker, then the Ministry try to attack Austin but he beats down all them]

May 24 (RAW Is Owen)

Jim Ross: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the sold out Kiel Center here in St. Louis. As you can see, WWF superstars, scores of superstars lining up to pay tribute to the life and the times of the late Owen Hart, who died last night in a tragic accident at Over the Edge in Kansas City.

---

Vince McMahon: [narrating] Last night, a tragic accident took the life of Owen Hart. He was 34. There are no words that can express the profound sorrow felt today by so many of us who knew and loved this very special human being. Fans throughout the world shared a small portion of Owen's life through his various ring personas, but to know Owen Hart, the human being was pure joy. Owen loved this business and loved to entertain both in it, and out of the ring. He was a consummate performer, and a legendary prankster. In the extended family of professional wrestlers, respect does not come easily, and is not taken lightly. Owen Hart had that respect. He was more than just one of the boys. Owen Hart was a friend and a brother to all. Our locker room and our lives will never ever be the same again. A loving son, brother, uncle, husband, and father. Owen is survived by his wife Martha, his son Oje, and daughter Athena. Our prayers go out to them and the entire Hart family. With heavy hearts and the deepest of sympathies to his family, we say goodbye. If the legacy of a man's life is measured by the lives he's touched, and how much he is loved, then a big piece of Owen Hart will live on in all of us.

---

The Godfather: You know what, Road Dogg? Instead of me and you just kicking the hell out of each other, especially today, why don't me and you and these fine hos over here...we go to downtown St. Louis and we light it up all night long?

Road Dogg: What do you say, me and you go burn one and tell some Owen stories.

---

Billy Gunn: If you're not down with Owen Hart, I got two words for ya...

Crowd: SUCK IT!

June 7

[During Undertaker's WWF Championship defense against the Big Show, Taker is caught in Big Show's chokeslam coming off the top rope]

Jim Ross: The Undertaker's on top, he got caught at the hand of the Big Show.

Jerry Lawler: [as Big Show signals for the chokeslam] He said he was gonna do it- he's doing it!!

Ross: The chokeslam, [Undertaker breaks through the ring] oh-

Lawler and Ross: OH MY GOD!!!

Ross: Right through the ring!! The Big Show chokeslammed the Undertaker all the way to hell!

Lawler: What?

Ross: [as Earl Hebner calls for the bell] All the way through the ring! They're both down!!! The Big Show and the Undertaker are both down! [bell still rings as Big Show kicks Undertaker before leaving the hole] The match is over! The match has been stopped!

Lawler: What?

Ross: The ring has been destroyed...

Lawler: Look at that!

Ross: ...by the damndest chokeslam I've ever seen!

August 9

Chris Jericho: Welcome to Raw Is Jericho! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation. Now for those of you who don't know me, I am Chris Jericho, your new hero, your party host, and most importantly, the most charismatic showman to ever enter your living rooms via a television screen. And for those of you who DO know me, well, all hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Roll-a!

Now when you think of the new millennium, you think of an event so gigantic that it changes the course of history. You think of a dawning of a new era. In this case, the dawning of a new era in the WWF. Thank you, thank you. And a new era is what this once proud and profitable company sorely needs. What was once a captivating, trend-setting program has now deteriorated into a cliched, let's be honest, boring snoozefest that is in dire need of a knight in shining armor, and that's why I'm here. Chris Jericho has come to save the WWF!

Now let's go over the facts. Television ratings, downward spiral; pay-per-view buy-rates, plummeting; mainstream acceptance, non-existent; and reactions of the live crowds, complete and utter silence. And I know why you're silent! You're silent because you're embarrassed to be here. And quite honestly, I'm embarrassed for you. And the reason why you're embarrassed is because of the steady stream of uninteresting, untalented, mediocre "sports entertainers" who you're forced to cheer for and care for. No wonder you're not cheering! You could care less about every single idiot in that dressing room, [indicating The Rock] and especially this idiot in the center of the ring. You people have been led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Uh-uh. Jericho is excellence. And now for the first time in WWF history, you have a man who can entertain you. You have a man who is good enough for you. You have a man who can make you jump up off your chairs, raise your filthy fat little hands in the air and scream "Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go! Go Jericho go!" Thank you.

The new millennium has arrived in the WWF, and now that the Y2J problem is here, this company—from the front-office idiots to all the amateurs in the dressing room, including this one, to everybody watching tonight—will never, eeee-ee-eh-ever be the same a-gain!

The Rock: ...After three boring minutes, The Rock says, "Know Your Role, AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" How dare you little jabroni come on The Rock Show, and not even have the class to introduce yourself. What is your name?

Chris Jericho: I told you--

The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! The Rock says you talk about your Y2J plan? Well, The Rock has a plan of his own, and it's called the K-Y Jelly plan. Which...which means The Rock is gonna lube his size 13 boot real good. Turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK it straight up your candy ass! If you smelllll...what The Rock...is cooking.

August 23

[Outside Jeff Jarrett's locker room, where a contract for an Intercontinental Title match is taped to the door]

Billy Gunn: Chyna, I need a favor. You got a pen? I need a pen.

Chyna: I don't have one.

Billy Gunn: All right, come here. Stay right here, don't let anybody sign this, I'll be right back, I've gotta find a pen.

Jerry Lawler: [as Billy walks away] Hey, that...that must be Jeff Jarrett's contract.

Chyna: Okay.

Jerry: Looks like Mr. Ass wants a piece of Jeff Jarrett, he wants to sign that contract.

Michael Cole: Look! Chyna's got a pen!

Jerry: What's she doing?!

Cole: [as Chyna signs and runs away] She's signing the open contract to meet Jeff Jarrett for the Intercontinental Championship!

September 20

Bradshaw: You know, these Dudley Boys come into the World Wrestling Federation trying to make a name out of themselves by taking on us. You know, they come out here and they spout their commandments. Well, we got three commandments too, it's real simple. #1—Thou shalt not drink our beer; #2—Thou shalt not mess with our rats; and #3—I guess Public Enemy didn't tell them, Thou shalt not cut a promo on the Acolytes!

November 8

[Big Boss Man has interrupted the ten-bell salute for Big Show's father]

Big Boss Man: Hold on just one minute!

Jim Ross: What the hell does he want King?

Jerry Lawler: Well I have no idea.

Boss Man: How dare you start the grieving process without me? I've got feelings too! It pains me deeply to hear that the Big Show's dad has passed on. In fact it pains me so deeply I went out and bought a sympathy card, and I'd like to read it to you, if I could.

Lawler: Sympathy card?

Ross: The disingenuous... [Boss Man gets the card]

Lawler: This is not good.

Ross: No it isn't.

Boss Man: Shut up and listen to me. With the deepest regrets, and tears that are soaked, I'm sorry to hear your dad finally croaked. He lived a full life on his own terms. Soon he'll be buried and eaten by worms. But if I could have a son as stupid as you, I'd have wished for cancer so I would die too. So be brave and be strong. Get your life on track. 'Cause the old bastard's dead and he ain't never coming back!

Ross: I am not believing what we are hearing here.

Boss Man: That's exactly how I feel about the Big Show's daddy being dead!

December 20

[Val Venis is in the ring for his Holiday Topless Top Rope match against Hardcore Holly]

Val Venis: Hello Ladies!! You know something, ladies, you are a lot like Christmas trees. You know, you smell good. You're pretty to look at, but you never really feel special until I [makes thrusting motion] PLUG IT IN and light you up!

2000

January 24

[Triple H and Stephanie McMahon gloat over him defeating Cactus Jack at the Royal Rumble, but Big Show complains to them about The Rock's cheating him out of the finish of the Royal Rumble, which would have gained him a WWF Championship match against HHH at WrestleMania]

Triple H: Show me the proof and it's yours. [The Rock's entrance music kicks in and he appears]

The Rock: Finally, The Rock has come back to Philadelphia! Triple H, The Rock says this - seeing as he just won the Royal Rumble, it officially makes your days as the WWF Champion, numbered. Translation, at WrestleMania, The Rock is just gon' kick your monkey ass. [to Big Show as crowd chants "Rocky!"] Now, onto you. Seven feet, five hundred pounds of whinin' bitchin' moanin' [mock whining] 'Oh The Rock's feet touched the ground first [normal voice] well The Rock says it doesn't MATTER if The Rock's feet touched the ground first! The Rock says this, it doesn't matter if The Rock's feet touched the ground, it doesn't matter where The Rock's feet touched, the ground, the mat, or straight up your big fat candyass! This ain't the NFL - there is no instant replay - the only thing that matters RIGHT NOW is The Rock has won the Royal Rumble, The Rock is going to WrestleMania, and The Rock stands before [points at the people in the ring] you, and you, and even you - the People's Champion.

Triple H: You know, Show, seems that uh, you and I seem to have a little common problem. To be that jackass up there with the big ego - seems to be a common thorn on our sides. So I'll tell ya what - tonight - you and I, we're gonna team up and we're gonna get in the ring... against The Rock and a partner of your choosing. That is, if - you can go in the back and find one of those - what do you call 'em, Rock, jabronies? - that you like to put down so much. If you can get one of those jabronies to pal up with you, be your friend, and tag with you, then you got yourself a deal. If not, if one of those jabronies WON'T tag with you, then [to Big Show] you and I we're gonna have ourselves a little handicap match with The Rock.

The Rock: Well, The Rock says this - if there is someone in the back who wants to team with The Rock, then that's fine... The Rock doesn't need it, The Rock doesn't want it. The Rock says this, against you and you, two-on-one against the Great One means this, is one way or the other, come hell or high water, bet your candyasses you will smell what The Rock is [points to them] cookin'.

January 31

[JR and the King talk about the tag team championship match between Al Snow and Steve Blackman against the New Age Outlaws, but JR notices Al Snow going down to one section of the front row]

Jim Ross: [sees Snow greet some people who just came down] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute! My God, that's... that's Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko!

Jerry "The King" Lawler: What are they doing here tonight?

Jim: What the hell is going on here? Those four guys... Well, King, we know it's all over the Internet they thumbed their noses at their last employer!

Jerry: Well, I know that. They walked out on that Ted Turner organization, but what are they doing here?

Jim: I know the WWF's been negotiating with those four superstars, but they've not signed any contracts that I'm aware of.

Jerry: Well, they haven't signed any contracts yet, so maybe they're just here to... They're just sitting at ringside, maybe they're here to get a bird's-eye view of the competition.

Jim: Well, all I'd say that's a pretty radical strategy on their part, wouldn't you think? It was radical enough that they walked out on their last employer because it was a lousy place to be, in their opinion.

Jerry: Well that was...

Jim: ...and showing up here unannounced is nothing short of radical either.

---

[The Rock is on the TitanTron after Big Show just defeated 2Cool]

The Rock: Finally, the Rock has come BACK to Pittsburgh! Big Show, The Rock realizes what just took place, The Rock realizes that you won a hard-fought victory, well congratulations, but The Rock has but one thing to say to you: [singsong] somebody got a haircut!! [Big Show angrily stomps his feet] So that officially means Big Show that you're no longer a long-haired, seven-feet, 500-pound piece of monkey crap, no you are not. You are a SHORT-HAIRED seven-feet, 500-pound piece of steaming, stinking, grade-A monkey crap!!! Now Big Show, you want to run your month about how you've got an eyewitness to The Rock's feet hitting the ground at the Royal Rumble, well The Rock says this: He is tired of hearing you whine. The Rock is tired of hearing you bitch, the Rock is tired of hearing you cry and moan like a baby but there is something that the Rock wants [open palm and points at Big Show] you to listen to... and that is the most important sound you will ever hear in your pathetic life, and that is all the Rock's fans chanting his name! [audience responds with Rocky! chants] Now Big Show, seeing as you've heard the sound, The Rock says, go back to Supercuts and get your five dollars back, jabroni!! Now on to our Olympic hero, Kurt Angle. Kurt Angle the Rock says this you run your mouth about how you beat the Rock. The Rock says you have never - and The Rock means [audience joins for the word] NEVER!! Ever beaten the Rock, so the Rock says this quite simply put, the Rock says that tonight, you like to wear your gold medals, well the Rock says this, he's gonna go out there and win a gold medal for kicking your candy ass all over Pittsburgh! If you SMEEEELLLLL, What the Rock is Cooking!

February 7

[Cactus Jack faces Triple H and proposes a Hell in the Cell at No Way Out]

Triple H: Hell in the Cell? All right - Hell in the Cell, you got a deal - but one stipulation.

Cactus Jack: You name it.

Triple H: I will go through Hell in the Cell with you - BUT I WANT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE. If I beat you at Hell in the Cell, you are finished. You retire. Your career is over, and that means YOU, Mick Foley, which includes Dude Love, which includes Mankind, which includes Cactus Jack - you are finished - you are done - it is OVER.

Cactus Jack: So you want my career - you want my career! Well, let's talk about my career for just a minute. You know what I have done, Triple H, in my career? I have done it all! Three-time WWF Champion - eight times WWF tag team champion! The original Hardcore Champion! And the King of the Japanese Death Match! So I tell you once again Triple H - you want my career? I have done it all except for one thing - in 15 years that I have dedicated my life to this sport there is only one thing that keeps me awake at night and that is - I have never main-evented a WrestleMania in my life. So you want my career? I'm going to add one more stipulation... if I win - when I win - at Hell in the Cell - you put your title on the line, because if I can't beat you, I don't deserve - no no no, if I can't beat you, I do not WANT to ever wrestling again! But when I do, you look at me and make damn sure you understand - there will be no ridiculous stipulations - no title defenses - that's it! I win! I go to WrestleMania - and you sit home - I WIN - I take on the winner of the Big Show and the Rock... in the greatest show in our industry. You accept my stipulation, then you're damn right, I will put my entire 15-year career on the line.

Triple H: Cactus Jack, at No Way Out - Hell in the Cell - you will face The Game. And if you win, you will go to WrestleMania the World Wrestling Federation champion - the main event. But if I win, I will end your 15-year career. I will end your career, and it will be over. Cactus Jack, you have... 20, about 20 days - left in your glorious 15-year career - because at Hell in the Cell, I will finish what I've started. At Hell in the Cell, Cactus Jack, I will end it - for you. But Cactus - I take what I want, when I want it - and right now, I want a piece o' your ass. [Triple H come to the ring and addresses the Radicalz] Now, the four of you have got two choices - you can either get your asses out of this ring and save yourselves a beatin', or you can show your appreciation to the man that gave you the opportunity... to the man that gave you your contracts. [the Radicalz assault Cactus Jack. X-Pac does a Bronco Buster and Perry Saturn and Dean Malenko suplex Cactus as a setup for Chris Benoit's diving headbutt] Cactus - that is the beginning of the end. Twenty days, count them, relish them - because in 20 days - it is The End! [pedigrees Cactus]

March 6

Michael Cole: Rock, based on your actions of earlier tonight, Shane and Stephanie have placed you inside a steel cage against Chris Benoit. [crowd chants Rocky!]

The Rock: Finally, The Rock has come back to Springfield! Shane and Stephanie, you think The Rock was just gonna sit here in the back and not reacquaint The Big Show and Triple H with their old friend, the Rock Bottom? You think The Rock was gonna do that, and did you think for one single solitary second that you solved all your problems by placing The Rock inside of a steel cage against Chris Benoit? Well The Rock says this, tonight, make no mistake about it. The Rock likes the steel cage. The Rock loves the steel cage. And The Rock says this. The Rock says this. The Rock has no hidden agenda. The Rock's agenda is open for the world to see. The Rock hides nothing, unlike you, Shane, Stephanie, Big Show, all of ya! The Rock realizes you probably got a hidden agenda for tonight's match. The Rock realizes that. But make no mistake about it, The Rock has nothing to hide. The only thing that The Rock is gonna hide tonight is The Rock's boot turned sideways, straight up Chris Benoit's candyass! If ya smell...what The Rock is cookin'!

Jim Ross: Man that's gonna be a war right here live tonight inside the steel cage, The Rock and Chris Benoit.

April 17

Chris Jericho: [to Triple H] So you're telling me, Triple H, that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because that match never took place? You're telling me that I have to give up the World Wrestling Federation title because these Jericho-holics never saw me beat you in the middle of that ring for this championship? Well, I guess we can all believe that. So I guess it's also not true that your wife Stephanie has not slept with half the boys in that locker room. [Stephanie coldly glares at him] I guess that we can't believe that either.

---

[Earl Hebner has reversed Chris Jericho's pinfall win over Triple H and gave him back the WWF Championship per an agreement on Triple H never laying a hand on him while he's still a referee]

Triple H: I'm a man of my word, Earl. I will not lay a hand on you as long as you're a World Wrestling Federation referee. Oh and by the way: YOUR ASS IS FIRED! [does the Pedigree on Earl]

---

[the McMahon-Helmsley Regime goes to the ring after Linda McMahon announces Stone Cold Steve Austin coming to Backlash]

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: Unfair, mom? You wanna know what's unfair is you hopping on a little plane... [angry at Slut! chants] hopping on a little plane, thinkging you can come down to this ring, to the World Wrestling Federatiton and start making decisions on things you know nothing about!

Linda McMahon: Oh yes I do, yes I can!

Stephanie: In case you haven't forgotten the last we were in the ring together, mother, the McMahon-Helmsley Regime has no problem "slapping" people around, and hopefully you've noticed that the McMahon-Helmsley Regime is all about opportunity - so I'm gonna give you the opportunity to change your mind. Think about it, mother. What's your decision?

Linda: [long pause] NO!!!

Stephanie: No. You won't change your mind. You're gonna have Stone Cold Steve Austin in the Rock's corner. Well then, I'm not gonna change my mind about what I have to do, but Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl, this is gonna hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you. [tries to slap Linda, but gets knocked down when Linda blocks it and slaps her instead]

Linda: [shocked at what she just did, tries to crouch down and help Stephanie] Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Stephanie: [dismisses her] Get away from me!!

June 12

[WWF CEO Linda McMahon has set up a six-man King of the Ring tagteam match between Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, and Triple H against the Rock, Undertaker, and Kane. Vince fumes at the booking]

Vince McMahon: We accept, we accept! You think you're gonna embarrass me?!? Huh?!?! You think you can come out here and put me in a position where you're gonna embarrass me in front of all these people, that's not gonna happen! I don't give a damn what match you make at the King of the Ring, I don't care what match you make tonight, tomorrow night, or any other night!

Linda McMahon: Well, if that's the case, Vince, how about tonight? [let's sink in] If that's the case yeah, Triple H, you'll defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship... [as HHH seethes] against an opponent of my choosing.

Vince: [brushes off HHH's protests] That's it? You got it! Triple HHH defends his WWF title tonight, and okay he doesn't know who his opponent is. Even so, he'll do it even it's not fair and [points at her] you know damn well it's not!

Linda: Not fair? Well, if you don't think that's fair, you're probably not gonna like this either. Because there's another championship that needs to be defended tonight- and that championship is yours, Stephanie. [Stephanie reacts] Come on, Steph, you will defend the World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship against Lita [Steph mouths off NO!] - and pay very close attention to this, this is the stipulation: If any member of the Faction interferes in the match at all, you will be disqualified and Lita will be awarded the Championship.

Vince: [ponders the logic in the announcement] All right you got that too, I'm happy. Now you've made your announcements, Little Ms CEO, you can go back to playing CEO somewhere else, maybe where you started your day this morning in Wilmington, Delaware. [tries to walk off with Shane, Stephanie, and HHH]

Linda: Whoawhoawhoawhoa, Vince. [they look back at him] I don't play the CEO, I am the CEO. and as the CEO, I'll make this one final announcement tonight. Tonight, Shane McMahon will see action and also tonight, Vince McMahon will see action. And both Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon will team up in tag-team action against... the Dudley Boyz! [Father and son are dumbfounded] But it's not just any tag-team match. It's a Tables Match! [Shane walks off in disgust while Steph comforts a grimacing Vince]

October 2

[The Rock slams Kane and Chris Benoit as they and Kurt Angle leave him, Rikishi, Mick Foley, Triple H and Stephanie]

The Rock: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa. The Rock is not done. You see, Mick Foley, the Rock is in a very giving mood as well. Now Kane, since you just wanna find things... Benoit, all you wanna do is prove things. Well, the Rock is gonna make both of you very happy men tonight. You see, before you and Kane face the Rock and Rikishi, the Rock wants you to do this - the Rock wants you to go find a very quiet place tonight. You two together, nobody else, you two by yourselves, go find a nice quiet place where you can be alone. And all your dreams can come true. All your dreams can come true - your dream, Kane, of finding things - your dream, Benoit, of proving things will come true, and this is how you do it: Benoit, when you're by yourself with Kane, pull your pants down [Benoit is blocked by the referees from coming down to the ring] go ahead Benoit, pull your pants down, and prove to Kane that you're not a woman!... and Kane, since you just wanna find things, you go ahead and find the penis Benoit claims he has! [Kane tries to go after the Rock, but the referees hold the line against him and Benoit]

---

[Triple H just asked Stephanie to steer clear of his WWF Championship No 1 contender match against Kurt Angle, but as Stephanie walks away, she surprisingly runs into Chris Benoit]

Chris Benoit: How's your head? [Stephanie gives him a hard slap]

Jerry Lawler: Whoa! [Benoit turns his head right but he snaps back like not feeling the pain]

Jim Ross: Good God! [sees Benoit laughing as Steph walks away] and Benoit's smiling... oh my God!

October 9

[Mick Foley is with the Rock and Rikishi in the ring]

Mick Foley: I've come out here in the past, I made wild accusations, but that’s not going to happen tonight. I promised to deliver the person, who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I will! Fortunately, my announcement will conclude what has undoubtedly been the worst week of my professional career. Unfortunately, all of the evidence points to you, Rock. It was your rental car that ran down Stone Cold, only your fingerprints, only your DNA were found inside the car. Hell, a pair of The Rock's sunglasses were found inside the glove box. And as Linda McMahon herself stated, no one else had as much to gain by Stone Cold's departure, did they, Rock? No, with Stone Cold out of the way, who sold the T-shirts, who picked up the media appearences, whose book went to number one, who showed up on television, who got movie roles? You have not fooled me, Rock, and therefore right here in Anaheim, California, in the case of who ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin at Survivor Series, Mick Foley finds The Rock... not guilty!

But if you didn't do it, who did? Now I'm gonna tell you, who did. [points to Rikishi] He did. I hadn't quite figured it out until Scotty 2 Hotty said something about 'hang out backstage with Rikishi', hell, Rikishi, you weren't even part of Survivor Series, you hadn't even debuted on television! Who else is close enough with The Rock to go inside his dressing room? [Rikishi shakes head in denial] Who else is close enough with The Rock to reach inside his bag and get his keys? The mirrors and the seat were configured to fit not just a large man, but a very large man. That very large man is YOU! The only thing, I don't know, is why!

Rikishi: Okay. I did it. In case, you didn't hear, I admit. I did it. I ran over Austin. And you ask, why? I didn't do it for me. No, I didn't do it for me. I did it for... The Rock! [The Rock is surprised] You see, Rock, I took your keys out of your bag that night, when I went to go check into the hotel. And when I jumped into the car, I saw Stone Cold Steve Austin standing in the middle of the parking lot all alone. And suddenly, everything flashed right through my eyes.

You see, the WWF has always been all about the "Great White Hope"... and I'm talking about such people as Buddy Rogers, people like Bruno Sammartino, people like Bob Backlund, people like Hulk Hogan, and now, people like Stone Cold Steve Austin. You see, the WWF has always let the island boys in, but we were always held back! Now listen to me, Rock, and I really want you to listen to me! And I'm talking about people like your grandfather, a well-respected man, High Chief Peter Maivia, [Rock is visibly shaken at the mention] could have became a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! People like Jimmy ‘Superfly’ Snuka, could have been a WWF Champion, but no, they held him back! And people like Afa and Sika, Samu, and the Tonga Kid, they were all held back.

So you see, Rock, I ran Stone Cold over, and I did this for you. I don't expect any favor from you, Rock. No, I don't expect no favors and no payback. Before, I want you people to know all around the world, and set the record straight, that The Rock did not have a damn thing to do with this. I take full responsibility! And you know what, Rock, just you being who you are today is good enough for me and our people. And before I go, one more time, I ran over Stone Cold Steve Austin! And to tell the truth, I'd do it again!

October 23

Kurt Angle: People, I ask you, what do you consider to be a successful year? For most people, a successful year would be maybe earning a little extra money, or getting a promotion, or maybe spending a little extra time with your families and loved ones. With all respect, that's a bunch of garbage. It's true, it's true. I know that people have obstacles to overcome in their lives. For most people, it's overcoming poverty; for some people, it's overcoming impossible odds, like having accomplished something in your life, being born in a city like Hartford, Connecticut. [Shakes Stephanie's hand] Good job, Steph. Good job. For me, it was accomplishing more in one year than most people will ever accomplish in their whole entire lives.

Let me take you on a little trip. A pictorial journey, if you will. See, four years ago, I captured the Olympic Gold Medal in the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, Georgia. For most people, after capturing the Olympic Gold Medal, they would call it a career. It's over, done. Thankfully, I'm not most people, and that is true. Four years later, I decided to give it a shot and enter the World Wrestling Federation. "The most celebrated athlete in the World Wrestling Federation," the headlines screamed, and boy, were they on the money!

Crowd: [chanting] ASSHOLE!

Kurt Angle: [to the crowd] Would you keep it down for a second please?

A mere two months in the WWF, and I captured my first gold by winning the European Championship. And incredibly, here's the footage, incredibly, tourism grew in Europe 38% from me! Then, only two months later, two months later, I captured the Intercontinental Championship, in this very city, mind you! And I became the first ever EuroContinental Champion in WWF history. Well, besides D'Lo Brown, but he doesn't count, we know that.

Then four months later, four months later, I not only captured gold, but royalty as well when I was crowned the 2000 King of the Ring. What a memory. Look at that, Steph. Look at that crown and that scepter. And unbelievably, sales of crowns and scepters grew 49%! I couldn't believe it either.

And then last night, the greatest accomplishment of all, with help from my good friend and business partner, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, I topped the most amazing eleven months in WWF history and became the World Wrestling Federation Champion. We will remember that for a lifetime. That, people, is a successful year. That is what separates great men from supermen. With that in mind, I wrote a little poem in celebration of my victory. The poem is called "What Makes a Man Super-Great", and I'd like to read it to you tonight.

Greatness comes in many shapes

Beyond red, white and blue.

It's the addition of the color gold.

Yes, indeed, it's true.

November 6

[Triple H has seemingly saved Stone Cold Steve Austin, replacing The Rock as his tag team partner against Kurt Angle and Rikishi]

Jim Ross: Stone Cold's got Rikishi. [Austin knocks Rikishi onto the apron] And Rikishi knocked to the apron with a right hand.

Jerry Lawler: Run, Kurt, run!

Ross: Triple H standing there and -- [Triple H suddenly hits Austin with a sledgehammer] MY GOD! OH MY GOD TRIPLE H JUST HIT AUSTIN IN THE FACE WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!

Lawler: WHAT?! WHAT IS THIS?!

Ross: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Lawler: I'm in shock and I don't know it -- what are you doing?!

Ross: The Game didn't come out here to help Austin! Triple H is putting on a black,

Lawler: Wait a minute.

Ross: A black glove, what is that?

Lawler: What does that mean? [Triple H sucker punches Austin]

Ross: In the head with a sledgehammer! [Triple H starts repeatedly punching Austin] And now The Game assaulting the Texas Rattlesnake!

Lawler: Look out! Look at this! Get help! Someone get out here!

Ross: My God in heaven! Why is this happening?! Triple H is beating the holy hell out of Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Lawler: I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Ross: Austin almost beheaded by that sledgehammer! And why in the hell is,

Lawler: Look out! [Triple H hits the referee]

Ross: Damn, Triple H just took out the referee!

Lawler: What is he doing? What is this about? What is this for?!

Ross: What the hell is the meaning of this?! Austin is, Austin is helpless! Austin got hit in the head with a sledgehammer! Why is The Game attempting to dis -- [Rikishi gets on the second rope] No! Don't do it! [Rikishi delivers a Banzai Drop on Austin] Oh! Right into Austin's heart! I swear to God that'll stop your heart! Right here in Texas, Austin has been destroyed by The Game, but why? Someone tell me why, damn it?! [Triple H hits Austin with a microphone]

Lawler: Oh!

Ross: What the hell is this?!

Triple H: Austin, your search is over. It's all, it's all over. Now you know, you dumb son of a bitch.

Lawler: Oh my God!

Ross: What the hell did he mean by that?!

Lawler: It was Triple H! It was Triple H!

Ross: In Austin, in Stone Cold's home state of Texas, in the home of WrestleMania, Stone Cold has been destroyed, has been left battered and bloodied and hammered at the hands of The Game and a sledgehammer!

Lawler: Is Triple H the accomplice?!

Ross: Why Triple H? You son of a bitch! WHY?! TELL ME WHY?!

December 4

The Rock: Finally, The Rock has come back to New Jersey! Just as sure as for the very first time, Kevin Kelly, The Rock stood here right in this arena and called [points at] you an ugly hermaphrodite is just as sure as this Sunday night, at Armageddon, The Rock will be at Hell in a Cell. This is gonna the most brutal match The Rock has ever been in. The dangerousest match The Rock has ever been in. The Hell in a Cell. And it doesn't matter, Kevin Kelly, what you call it. Whether it's called a Hell in a Cell, or Rage in a Cage, Painus in Uranus, the only thing that matters is that The Rock is going in this Sunday night, to do exactly what he does best - layeth the smacketh down and get back The Rock's WWF title.

And the fact of the matter is this, is that The Rock knows this Sunday night, he has his work cut out for him. The Rock knows, he's got five other guys he's got to compete with. And even if The Rock has got to beat Kurt Angle, which means, [mocks Angle] "I'm gonna drink a big glass of milk, eat some chocolate-chip cookies and then maybe I'll take three Viagra." Or maybe The Rock has got to face Rikishi, beat Rikishi. [mimics Rikishi's admission] "I did it for The Rock. I did it for the people. I did it for..." oh, shut your mouth, you thong-wearin' fatty!

Or maybe The Rock has got to beat The Undertaker, the American Badass, beat him so bad, that one more he'll raise up... [does rising from the dead] "Rest in peace!" Or maybe The Rock has got to beat Triple H himself, which [copies HHH drawl]' means-uh, he's got to beat The Game-uh, in the middle of the ring-uh. And he has a two-dollar slut for a wife-uh! [normal voice] Or maybe The Rock, has gotta beat... [wears SCSA woodland camo cap and makes Texan drawl] Stone Cold Steve Austin. Which means I gotta get in my, I gotta get my pick-up truck, drink some Steve-weisers, listen to some Backstreet Boys. And that's the bottom line, 'cause the Great One said so! [normal] One more thing, this Sunday night at Armageddon, The Rock is gonna do all he can to win the WWF title. If ya smell... what The Rock is cooking!!

---

[Vince McMahon wanted to deliver the State of the WWF Address, but gets sprawled on the ring thanks to Austin, The Rock, and the Undertaker]

Mick Foley: [crouches down at Vince] Vince... jeez, not a good day isn't it? I mean, you've been Stone Cold Stunnered, you've been Rock Bottomed, hell you even went for the Last Ride! So I guess, there's really only one thing left to do. [pulls out Mr Socko and goes around the ring before going down on one knee. mouths off Mr Socko in tinny voice] Kiss my fat ass, Vince [normal voice] and have a nice day!

December 18

[Stephanie steps in to stop Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and Vince McMahon from beating down Commissioner Mick Foley]

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: Stop! Stop it! Stop beating up on Mick Foley. Mick I hope you're alright because I got something that could change your life forever. I hold in my hand documents from the Board of Directors that could very well change the face of the WWF forever. These papers clearnly state that since my mother, Linda McMahon, the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation, has been deemed mentally incompetent that the Board of Directors has no other alternative than to grant full power and authority of the CEO's office... [looks at Foley] to [changes voice] my dad! [Vince's face regains color as Stephanie give her the papers] Congratulations, daddy! It's official!

Vince McMahon: That's my baby girl, huh! Sorry, Linda, if you're in the hospital watching, business is business and since I now have complete and total full authority over the World Wrestling Federation, that means Mr McMahon is back! So therefore, with the power that is invested in me, Vincent K McMahon, it is my duty to inform Mick Foley that his services are no longer required. [motions to Foley as he slumps in the corner] In other words, Mick Foley, you bleeding huck of adipose tissue, YOU'RE FIRED!!

[A distraught Foley stands up but Kurt Angle fires a chairshot at him. Vince shakes hands with Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, and leaves with Stephanie, but remembers something at the stage]

Vince: Oh, oh, and uh, just one other thing. Mick, Mick Foley... Merry Christmas!

2001

February 19

Kevin Kelly: Kurt, we saw what you did to The Rock on SmackDown! and we know your history together. Talk about where this hatred of The Rock comes from.

Kurt Angle: Kevin, I'm gonna tell you something I've never told a living soul before. When it comes to The Rock, I am jealous. It's true, I am. And why shouldn't I be? Do you have any idea what it's like to train for the Olympics? To put in years of your life for the privilege of honoring your country, representing the people, and then to defy the odds and actually bring home the gold, and then come here to the WWF, to a chorus of boos? While a guy like The Rock, a guy who couldn't and wouldn't represent his country, even if he wanted to, get standing ovations in every city across this country? It hurts. It hurts me right here. I am everything that The Rock is not. I'm kind, courteous, considerate, and yet he's the hero? Why is that, Kevin?

Kelly: Kurt, the reality is for whatever the reason, The Rock is the people's champion.

Angle: Kevin, let me ask you a question. You're a person, right? How's the people's champion treating you? Has your son asked you what a hermaphrodite is, huh?

Jerry Lawler: Oh!

Angle: Did your wife think it was especially sexy when The Rock made you conduct an interview with your finger up your nose? Let me ask you, Kevin, a man of the people, who will you be rooting for when I face The Rock this Sunday at No Way Out? That's all right, Kevin, you don't have to answer. Your face says it all. You know, it's funny. You talk about lack of respect. Everyone thinks that WrestleMania is set in stone. The fans, The Rock, even this company. After The Rock beats me, it'll be Stone Cold versus The Rock at WrestleMania. The biggest WrestleMania of all time. Well I've made a lifetime of proving people wrong. And I plan to do it again. One more time. I will beat The Rock this Sunday at No Way Out. I will prove without a shadow of a doubt that I am more athletic, more talented, and more deserving of the people's admiration. And after I defeat The Rock 1-2-3 in Las Vegas, I will finally win the people over. It's gonna be beautiful. The people will stand. They'll give me a standing ovation. And my dream of finally earning their respect will happen. They'll have no choice. You know, throughout my life, my dreams have a habit of becoming a reality. And Rock, the reality is, my days of being on top aren't numbered. Yours are. And that, Kevin, that, America, is true.

March 5

Jim Ross: Hello again, everybody, and welcome to the World Wrestling Federation. We're live here in D.C., I'm Jim Ross, and...

Paul Heyman: They already know who you are, so tell them who I am now.

Jim Ross: I'm joined by Paul Heyman.

Paul Heyman: You're joined by Paul Heyman, because last Tuesday night, The Kat was released by the WWF, and her husband Jerry "The King" Lawler, to his credit, walked out right alongside with her. But where there's chaos, J.R., there is opportunity. And tonight, just like TNN threw off ECW for the WWF, the King is gone, and in his chair is Paul E., and the E is for EXTREME! How's that? Not bad, huh?

Jim Ross: I don't know what I did to deserve this...

March 26

[cold opening]

Vince McMahon: [points to monitors] Well now here's the WWF, and here's WCW, there's Jeff Jarrett, and here we have the owner of the World Wrestling Federation - and now the owner of WCW. That's right, I, Vince McMahon, I have purchased - I own, my own competition and tonight, I have the ability to address WWF fans as to what this means. I have the ability to address WCW stars as to what this means to them, and yes, I have the ability to address WCW fans to what this actually means to them as well. Tonight, at the right time, there will be a special simulcast, and let me say for sure, [puts up index finger] one man will make history, [thumbs up at himself] and that's me. Vince McMahon. Now, as far as the Jeff Jarretts of the world are concerned, you know how Jeff spells his name "that's J-E-double-F"? Well, you know what hmm I would suspect that we'd spell it a different way after tonight, that would be "capital G, double-O, double-N, double-E... GONE"!

---

Paul Heyman: [as Vince McMahon comes down for the special simulcast with Nitro] They say that Alexander the Great sat down on a rock and cried, for he had no worlds left to conquer. Tonight, the Monday Night Wars are over, and the victor, the victor of the Monday Night Wars is clear, it's [refers to Vince as he just instructed Lillian Garcia to repeat her introduction of him] that man.

---

[Vince McMahon gloats over him buying WCW... but Shane appears, revealing that he's over at the WCW Nitro finale]

Shane McMahon: What's up Vince? Surprise Dad, you're in Cleveland, Ohio, and I'm here in Panama City Beach, Florida, standing in a WCW ring and as usual Dad, your ego has gotten the best of you. Your ego has gotten the best of you. I mean, Dad, you wanted to have the audacity to finalize this deal - WCW - at WrestleMania? You wanted to have the audacity to ask Ted Turner himself to come down and finalize that deal? Well, Dad, that's just the opportunity that I was looking for, because Dad, the deal is finalized with WCW and the name on the contract does say "McMahon." [WCW fans pop and Vince gulps] However, the contract reads, "Shane McMahon."

[Vince is openmouthed]

Jim Ross: [on commentary] Oh my God! I don't believe it!

Shane: That's right, Dad, I now own WCW! And Dad, just like WCW did in the past--how it kicked your ass in the past and it will again. That's exactly what's gonna happen to you this Sunday, at WrestleMania!

Jim: I can't believe what we have just heard! Shane McMahon has bought WCW! And Mr. McMahon is in absolute shock!

---

[Vince McMahon calls his lawyers and makes his rage known over how Shane swept in for the WCW sale]

Vince McMahon: Do you attorneys just SHUT UP?!?! You listen to me, dammit! Look I don't care what I said, I don't give a damn what - how could you let that happen? How could you just [smashes glass] how could you possibly let that happen?!?! HUH?? You son of a bitch! You good for nothing! You ruined this whole damned thing!

June 18

Diamond Dallas Page: Undertaker! Like the Diamond Cutter, you never saw it comin'! Now those of you who know me are asking yourself the question why? Why did I, why did Diamond Dallas Page go after the Undertaker like this? Well I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya exactly why. Because if you wanna make an impact in this business, you go after the biggest, the meanest, the baddest dog in the yard. And once you find that dog, if you wanna get the very best of him, you make it personal - real personal. And then, hey, you find that dog's weakness. Well Taker, you are obviously that dog. And you've been telling people for years that this ring, right here, is your yard. We'll see.

But, up to a few weeks ago, Taker, you have never shown weakness. I mean, NEVER shown weakness. That is, up until a few weeks ago when you told Stone Cold Steve Austin that if he ever, ever messed with your family, you'd make him famous. Duh! Taker, you idiot, Stone Cold Steve Austin's already famous! But it did get me to thinkin'. Good God. When you said what you said about your family, Dead Man, you didn't sound so dead - as a matter of fact, you sounded very alive. And for you, son, that's a sign of weakness. Taker, think about it. Remember when you used to say, "I've slept through things that make most people's hair turn gray." Remember that? Okay, you didn't say it exactly LIKE that, but you remember that. You also said you weren't afraid of anything. FOUL! I'm gonna call you on that right now. Taker, I'm callin' you a liar! Oh yeah! Oh yeah I am. 'Cause take a look at him now - he's runnin' around his house, lockin' all the windows, lockin' the doors. I can just see him now, calling Vince McMahon this morning. "Mr. McMahon, I can't possibly come in and compete tonight - I can't leave my wife Sara - there's a madman - there's a stalker trying to get to my wife Sara!"

You're scared to death! How's it feel, son? I tell you what, there is a positive side to this. Diamond Dallas Page has made your wife Sara famous. And speaking of famous, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, deserves to be more famous than the King of Ba-da-bing, the Master of the Diamond Cutter. NOBODY deserves to be more famous that ME: DDP! Because my whole life, I've wanted to be since I was eight years old, my whole life people have been tellin' me, until you've been to the shizzow, until you've been to the show, until you've been to the very top of our business, you're never really famous. So Taker, trust me, I'm using you to get the top of this business, and you can take it to the bank, whether I gotta buy a ticket or not, I will see you at King of the Ring. You gotta problem with me? Cool. Taker, I'm beggin' ya - make me FAMOUS!

June 25

Edge: Billy (Gunn), since you're not really doing anything lately, I was wondering if you could do me a favor. If, in two years' time at the King of the Ring, I'm not defending a title or even in a match, and my very special assignment is to go to WWF New York and eat a meatball sandwich, then please just shoot me in the head.

---

Al Snow: [walking backstage] Did you see Tough Enough last Thursday?

Hardcore Holly: As a matter of fact, I did, and Al, you did a great job, even though I should've been there to help.

Al Snow: I couldn't agree more...hey, what...what's going on here?

[They walk up to find several wrestlers around the APA table.]

Faarooq: Hey, guys, guys, listen up. WCW, now here's a company that, when you came knocking, that wouldn't answer their door for you; here's a company that wouldn't return your phone calls; here's a company that said you wasn't [sic] talented enough to work for them. Then all of the sudden, when the wells run dry and they have to pay for those million and a half dollar homes and those brand new BMWs, those brand new Mercedes, they come running their asses here for us to save 'em. Well, guess what. This is the WWF. We all helped build this house. Now all of the sudden, they want a piece of the pie? I say hell no.

Bradshaw: WCW wants to walk into our house, a house we built, a house you all built? You guys are on the World Wrestling Federation roster; it took some of you years to get here. But you're here now, and that means you're the best in the world at what you do. And now, these guys from WCW, because they couldn't make it on their own, want to come ridin' piggyback off of us 'cause we're the only show in town? Well, let's make this perfectly clear. Diamond Dallas Page, Booker T, Mike Awesome, everybody from WCW, you can go straight to Hell. We'll meet your ass there, we'll kick it there too!

Whatever you thought about us in the past, whatever you think about us now doesn't really matter. We've stood alone before. What I'm asking you is this. We're asking you to show why you're on this roster, we're asking you to stand up for what you have built. There's going to be a fight. I know there's gonna be a fight because we're gonna start it! There's gonna be some beer gettin' drunk, there's gonna be some asses gettin' kicked, but most of all, it's time we got medieval on somebody's ass!

July 9

[During the Kane/Chris Jericho vs. Lance Storm/Mike Awesome.]

Jim Ross: Jericho's got the Walls! [Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer enter from the crowd and attack Kane and Jericho, with Storm and Awesome joining in] Hey, wait a minute. What the hell? Hey, that's Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer! They're former ECW guys!

Paul Heyman: Yes, they are!

Jim Ross: What the hell are they doing here? There's security; get these guys outta here! What the... what is this?! The 4-on-2, this... there's two WCW guys... Paul, what the hell is this about?

Paul: You tell me. It's Rob Van Dam! RVD!

Jim Ross: Well, business is picking up here! Here comes the WWF backup! [Tazz, Raven, Rhyno, Justin Credible, and the Dudley Boyz enter the ringing facing off against RVD, Dreamer, Storm, and Awesome] And now business will change! The WWF guys are here!

Paul: [pause] Yes, they are.

Jim Ross: The ring is full of WWF spirit!

Paul: [as the six turn around towards Kane and Jericho] WOO! Feel it, JR! Feel this moment for the rest of your life! Feel it.

[All ten attack Kane and Jericho]

Jim Ross: Wait, what is this? What the hell is this?! My God, I don't believe this! It's 10 or 12-on-2! Why are the Dudleys, why are Tazz [sic] beating up their own teammates of the WWF?! And what are Tommy Dreamer and Rob Van Dam even doing here?! What the hell is this about?! What is this about?! Kane and Jericho are being decimated!

Paul: Spicolli Driver by Tommy Dreamer!

Jim Ross: Paul, what in the hell is this about?! Kane... oh, come on! Kane being held by... what are these?

[Dreamer holds a chair in front of Kane's head, RVD delivers a spinning heel kick, better known as...]

Paul: Oh, my God, it's the Van Daminator!

Jim Ross: "Van Damin..."? Damn it, Paul, what the hell is this about?!

Paul: You want to know what this is about?!

Jim Ross: Yeah, I wanna know!

Paul: I guess you want answers!

Jim Ross: I damn sure want answers!

Paul: You want answers?! Well, I say you finally deserve, JR, a damn answer!

---

Paul: Well, I guess now it's time, JR, that you want the truth! So, JR, tonight, I'm gonna give you the whole damn truth! I have been sitting, I have been sitting like a damn corporate sellout next to that damn pig! And I have been talking, I have been talking about WWF vs. WCW. I have been spilling my guts about this invasion. And it seems to me like everybody has forgotten the Tribe of Extreme. It seems to me like these men were too extreme for WWF vs. WCW. It seems to me that [pointing to Mike Awesome and Lance Storm] this man and this man have left Shane McMahon's WCW. It looks to me that these six men have left Vince McMahon's WWF. It looks to me like they all have joined [joined by the crowd] E... C... W!

So Vince or Shane, anytime you guys want revenge, we'll take on the WWF, we'll take on WCW! We're not hard to find because this Invasion just got taken to the Extreme!

---

[Vince McMahon is shocked at the WCW and ECW groups seemingly together and mauling the WWF group]

Shane McMahon: Hey Dad, you want to know what is going on? Can't you see what is happening? I said I could never ever compete with your checkbook, but I can outsmart you and that's exactly what I've done tonight. That's exactly what we did tonight. You see Dad back in the locker room you told me that I will be personally responsible for everything that happens out here tonight. And you know what Dad, you're right. I'm personally responsible for all of this. I'm personally responsible for WCW. I am personally responsible for ECW being here tonight.

Paul Heyman: How do you like that Vince? HUH!? How do you like it now!?!?

Shane: And I am personally responsible for the MERGER of WCW and ECW coming together tonight! So, Dad, at Invasion, this new entity, WCW and ECW is gonna kick the WWF's ass! Oh yeah, I got one more thing for you, one more. And I am also personally responsible and privileged to introduce you to the new owner of ECW. I believe you know this person quite well. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up...for Vince's daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley! [Vince reacts as Triple H's intro music "My Time" plays and slowly turns around to see Stephanie passing him]

Jim Ross: The new owner of WCW. Oh my God, Shane owns WCW and the princess, Vince's little baby girl, now owns ECW. For the love of God, the sins of the father are costing us all in the WWF! I do not believe this! July 9, 2001 - a date that will live in sports entertainment infamy!

July 16

[The Alliance leaders are happy with Steve Austin walking out on Vince at the previous SmackDown! show]

Stephanie McMahon: I'm so excited for Booker T to rip off Chris Jericho's head tonight and again this Sunday, at Invasion!

Paul Heyman: I love her enthusiasm [to Shane McMahon] Shane, think about it. This Sunday at Invasion Inaugural Brawl, it's our five best against their five best and their very best, Stone Cold Steve Austin, ain't at his best anymore now, is he?

Shane McMahon: Now let's get down to out five best that we're in agreement. [counts on fingers] Booker T.

Heyman: Right.

Shane: DDP...

Heyman: Right.

Shane: The Dudley Boyz, and Rhyno...

Heyman: GORE! GORE! GORE! [Stephanie is surprised]

Shane: ...will represent us this Sunday.

Stephanie: WCW and ECW.

Shane: This Sunday, sports entertainment as we know it, the course of it, will be changed forever.

---

[Vince, the Undertaker, and the APA meet the entire WWF locker room]

Vince McMahon: All right guys, listen up here for a minute, please.

Faarooq: Hey, hey. I'm sure y'all saw what happened here tonight. Look, they still don't damn get it. But you know what, tonight we're gonna show their asses that we mean business. [wrestlers murmur in assent]

Bradshaw: These second-rate sons of bitches wanna ride piggyback offa us, 'cause they can't make it on their own? Then tell 'em to bring their little invasion on, because starting tonight, we ain't takin' this shit no more. It's TIME we got knee-deep in somebody's ass! [wrestlers get agitated]

McMahon: Guys, let me just say this, that - make no mistake about what's going down here tonight - make no mistake about what's gonna happen this Sunday, 'cause no one in this room has ever been threatened personally...like you're threatened now. None of us have ever been threatened collectively like we're threatened now. This coalition of WCW and ECW - they wanna eat each and every one of you alive. They wanna do it tonight, and they wanna finish us off on Sunday. Now I was hoping that we were gonna have someone with us tonight to lead the way, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Undertaker: To HELL with all that! I've heard all of that I'm gonna hear. What it's time for is to find out who the phony tough is and who's the crazy brave. Austin - he's made a hell of a name for himself here in the WWF, and now he don't have the heart to go out and to fight for the company that made him? I say the HELL with him! The rest of you, you need to understand this - there's no shame in goin' out and fightin' and gettin' your ass kicked. There's no honor in not fighting at all. So who wants to fight? [wrestlers murmur] WHO WANTS TO FIGHT??!? [wrestlers get agitated and Undertaker quiets them as a staff member brings in Freddie Blassie on a wheelchair]

Freddie Blassie: Gentlemen, there comes a time when every man must fight for what he believes in! [rises from wheelchair] You understand? Now's the time! Get up, stand up, and fight! [wrestlers get louder]

Wrestlers: Fight!! FIGHT!!!!

[at a bar, Austin is so unnerved by footage of the gathering that he moves balls around a pool table and smashes a cue before leaving]

Debra: Steve! Where are you going??

---

[Classy Freddie Blassie leaves with an assistant, but Shane and Stephanie McMahon waylay them]

Shane McMahon: Hey hold on a second, hold on a second, stay right there. You think what you said there had any impact at all?

Stephanie McMahon: Hey Freddie, you think that with Stone Cold Steve Austin just did out there, you think that had any impact?

Shane: You think the WWF has any impact at all, any impact at all this Sunday on ECW and WCW? The answer is NO!!

Stephanie: [laughs] But I tell you what will have a lot of impact. You see Freddie, because you and the WWF have a lot in common. You're both about to die!

Shane: [to assistant] Get him out of here. Go!

July 23

Vince McMahon: Well, I suppose congratulations are in order for the WCW/ECW Alliance, for their victory at Invasion. I'd like to remind The Alliance, however, that victory was but one battle. I'm confident that we here in the World Wrestling Federation will win many battles and ultimately win the war.

Jim Ross: Damn right.

McMahon: However I admit the stealing of Stone Cold Steve Austin was like dropping an atomic bomb. But then again, if it's nuclear warfare you want, it's nuclear warfare you're gonna get. Because tonight, I'm gonna drop a little bomb of my own. You see tonight, I'm gonna do something I should've done a long time ago. Tonight, I'm gonna lift the suspension of a certain WWF superstar.

Michael Cole: Uh-oh.

McMahon: Tonight, tonight I'm gonna reinstate a certain WWF superstar. Tonight, I'm gonna reinstate The Rock!

Cole: Yeah! All right!

Ross: Listen to that ovation for The Rock!

McMahon: I know, I know that just because, just because I wanna reinstate The Rock, I know that doesn't necessarily mean The Rock will come back to the WWF and come back to action. Because if The Rock, if The Rock chooses to come back to action, he does so not because of Vince McMahon, but in spite of him. But knowing that, Rock, I've got a challenge for you, Rock. You've never backed down from a challenge before, so here goes. You know Rock, should you decide to come back to the WWF, I've gotta wonder, Rock, can you still bring it? I've gotta wonder Rock, whether you can still layeth the smackdown. And Rock can you still raise the people's eyebrow, Rock? And, and drop the People's Elbow, can you do that Rock? Rock let me ask you, Rock do you still consider yourself the people's champion? Rock are you still worthy of being called the most elecrifying man in sports entertainment today? If you are Rock, then listen to me. Listen to me damn it, Rock, I know, I know you're watching this tonight. Now wait a minute. Don't listen to me. Listen Rock, in Buffalo, New York, Rock, Rock! They're chanting your name! They're chanting your name Rock! Can you hear it Rock? Can you hear it?! Well Rock, on behalf of the millions, AND MILLIONS, of your Rock's fans, Rock come back! Come back Rock, because once again, we want to smellalalalalala, what The Rock is cookin'!

July 30

The Rock: Finally...The Rock HAS COME BACK...to the WWF!

August 27

[The Rock appears after winning the WCW title]

The Rock: Finally, The Rock has come back to Grand Rapids! Shane McMahon, just so the Rock understands this: The Rock supposedly doesn't care about the history of the WCW? The Rock doesn't care about history of the WCW title? Well The Rock knows damn well the history of the WCW title. The Rock knows that the title traces back to Frank Gotch, Lou Thesz, Ricky Steamboat, and - woooooooooo! - Ric Flair! The Rock also knows damn well, what in recent years the WCW title has come to... Diamond Dallas Page? Booker T? The guy from Scream 2, the dog from Married with Children, the maid from The Jeffersons! Shane McMahon, this WCW title is just like your sister, everybody gets [makes finger-petting motion] a turn!

September 24

Michael Cole: Last night at Unforgiven, you successfully defended your WCW title, but no rest for the weary, because tonight you will defend that title, yet again, this time against Rob Van Dam.

The Rock: Finally, The Rock has come back to Columbus! [crowd cheers] You see, last night was a very special night for The Rock. Handicap match, The Rock, Booker T, Shane O'Mac, The Rock walked in to Unforgiven the WCW Champion, The Rock walked out Unforgiven the WCW Champion! [crowd cheers] But tonight is a very special night as well. You see, tonight will mark the first time, FIRST TIME, The Rock will defend his WCW title against Rob Van Dam. But that's not the only reason why tonight is a very special night. You see, on this night, 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself, came something so terrifying! So horrifying, it sends chills up and down men's bodies all over the world! Tonight marks the birth of one Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley. And you know, Stephanie, a word of warning. The Rock knows that you like to get involved in all The Alliance matches. So if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, Stephanie, The Rock - [The Rock looks off-screen for several seconds as the crowd cheers] Stephanie if you decide to get involved in The Rock's match tonight, then just like the doctor did 25 years ago when he held your little baby body up and wiped all the afterbirth goo from your body, The Rock will take the back of the people's hand and slap that million dollar candy ass! [crowd cheers] But you see, Stephanie, don't get The Rock wrong, The Rock is happy it's your birthday. As a matter of fact, The Rock wants to help you celebrate this very joyous occasion. So Stephanie, allow The Rock to sing you a very special birthday song. [singsong] Happy Birthday to Steph, you're a hoe with big breasts, so take the night off from hooking, if you smell what The Rock is cooking!

October 29

Jim Ross: [after Vince McMahon knocks down his son, Shane, with a trash can]: Can Vince make the cover? [suddenly Alliance members Booker T and Test come out to the ring to attack Vince] Wait a minute, there's...there's that damn Booker T and Test! Those bastards! [The Undertaker and Kane then arrive to even the odds] And Undertaker and Kane! Undertaker and Kane!

Paul Heyman: But whose side are they on?

Jim: They're not on Test and Booker T's side, that's for damn sure! Kane...on the outside, [Kane and Test knock each other down with kicks to the face] and both Kane and Test are down! The Undertaker, looking for a...spinaroonie, a little ride...[Undertaker gives Booker T a Last Ride] ...a Last Ride! [William Regal then comes out and gives The Undertaker a low blow from behind] But there's - oh! - Alliance commissioner William Regal with a low blow! Coming from behind The Undertaker, [Regal then hits the Regal Cutter on The Undertaker] and Regal, taking The Undertaker down, and perhaps out of this equation. [the crowd cheers loudly as suddenly The Rock comes out to the ring and attacks Regal] And there's The Rock!

Paul: But whose side is he on?!

Jim: Team WWF! And The Rock, laying the smack down on Regal! [The Rock then gives Regal a Rock Bottom] And the Rock Bottom! The Rock Bottom! [out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin] Oh God! There's Austin!

Paul: I know what side he's on! It's Stone Cold, [Austin gives The Rock a Stone Cold Stunner] punishing The Rock!

Jim: Austin with a Stunner on The Rock!

Paul: Austin just stunned The Rock!

[now Kurt Angle comes out, with a steel chair in hand]

Jim: And here comes Kurt Angle!

Paul: Whose side is HE on?!

Jim: [as Angle looks like he is about to hit Austin with the chair] Kurt Angle, the steel chair! Tear his head - [Chris Jericho runs into the ring, and Angle suddenly turns around and hits Jericho in the head with the chair instead] Oh no! Angle just nailed - Kurt Angle just hit Chris Jericho with the, right in the face with that steel chair! [The Rock gets back up from the Stunner, only for Angle to hit him in the head with the chair as well] Oh my God! My God, what is this?! [Angle then hits the Undertaker with the chair] Oh my God, don't tell me! [Kane gets back in the ring and Angle hits him with the chair as well] No! No! Kurt Angle! No!

Paul: It's Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle, has joined the Alliance!

Jim: My God, it can't be!

Paul: It is! It's true! It's true!

[Austin stands Vince up and hits him with a Stone Cold Stunner]

Jim: Oh! Austin - got the Stunner on McMahon, who couldn't even stand to start with!

Paul: Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance, it's true, it's true!

Jim: [as Austin puts Shane on top of Vince]: Oh no! That son of a - [as the referee successfully counts to three] No! No, dammit! [the bell rings] Oh, God! What has Kurt Angle done?

Lilian Garcia: Here's your winner, Shane McMahon!

Paul: Shane McMahon has beaten his own father!

Jim: [as Shane and Austin embrace and then celebrate in the ring with Angle]: Shane McMahon may have beat his father physically; he may have also just beat his father at his own game! For the love of God, Shane McMahon has coerced Kurt Angle to join the Alliance!

Paul: Kurt Angle has joined the Alliance! It's true! It's damn true!

Jim: Kurt Angle with an assault with a steel chair! Team WWF has gone to hell! My God, Kurt Angle has screwed us all and joined the damned Alliance!

November 12

Kurt Angle: I have a little story I'd like to tell. And Stone Cold Steve Austin, I hope you're listening. There was once a group of extraordinarily talented guys, who had a chance to make history. Had a chance to win it all. But it all got put in jeopardy due to infighting, backstabbing, and lack of leadership. What was once a group that had everything, became now, a bunch of losers with nothing. Of course I'm talking about the 2001 Boston Red Sox. Oh it's true!

Paul Heyman: Excellent point.

Angle: And Austin, when you stunned me last week on SmackDown!, it was the same as Pedro Martinez and Nomar refusing to play with their so-called "injuries". [crowd boos] And this Sunday, The Alliance has the chance to win it all at Survivor Series. And Austin, we better, because when the Boston Red Sox loses each year like they do, big deal! Because they always have next year to screw it up again! Well Austin, there is no next year for us. There is no tomorrow. If we don't win this Sunday, it's over! And I'm not ready for my hall of fame career to end. So Austin, I want you to come out here right now, [to a fan] Shut up! I want you to come out here right now and I want you to apologize for stunning me last week! And I'm not going anywhere until you do.

Jim Ross: Kurt Angle calling out Stone Cold Steve Austin, another member of Team Alliance. [Edge's music hits] Wait a minute, that's not Stone Cold's music, Paul.

Heyman: No, Stone Cold hates Rob Zombie. [Edge comes out]

Ross: Here comes Edge. Edge, not Stone Cold.

Heyman: What the hell is Edge doing here?

Ross: I have no earthly idea. Apparently we're about to find out. It was Angle who was wanting Austin out here, demanding an apology. Instead, here's Edge.

Edge: I'm not Austin, and I'm definitely not here to apologize. Kurt, I'm here to tell you one thing. You're a selfish bastard! [crowd cheers]

Ross: Wow.

Edge: You had it all. You had the respect and support of all of these people, your peers, and this entire country. And you threw that all away because deep down inside, you're a red, white and blue, but most importantly, yellow coward!

Angle: What the hell are you talking about?!

Edge: Oh you know what I'm talking about! And on behalf of the entire WWF locker room, which you abandoned, I wanna challenge you for that U.S. title. Not tomorrow, not later on tonight, but right now.

Ross: Edge has thrown down the gaunlet.

Angle: Hold on a second! You want a title shot from me right now? I taught you everything you know, you ungrateful snot-nosed bastard! If you want this title, [puts the WCW United States Championship down] you come get it.

November 19

[Vince McMahon is not too pleased to see Ric Flair and demands an explanation]

Ric Flair: The explanation that I'm gonna give you all revolves around the fact that I bet on a winner last night! Woooo!

Vince McMahon: What the hell are you talking about?

Ric: I sat home, wooo!! on the big side of town, in that big house, and I bet on a winner last night. But [to Kurt Angle] Kurt Angle, let me just say this to you. You're a man who's got an Olympic gold medal, you got a legacy, you're an ambassador, this is no way you want to win the World title. Be Kurt Angle, be the gold medal winner, and be a man that wins by beating the best man.

Vince: So you came down here 'cause its your hometown to give us your opinion. How nice, Mr Flair. Nice to see you, now goodbye.

Ric: You want, you want me to just cut it to the quick right away? I bet on a winner last night, and do you know, that when Shane and Stephanie sold their stock to that consortium, that the consortium... wooo!! [takes off coat, goes on rope, makes the strut, and swings off rope before going back to Vince] The consortium was me, and now you and I, are limousine-ridin', jet-flyin', kiss-stealin', wheeling-dealin' son of a guns! You know why? Because we're partners! [embraces Vince briefly]

Jerry Lawler: What?!!

Jim Ross: Oh my god...Flair and McMahon are partners?!!?

December 10

Jonathan Coachman: Well Edge, first of all, congratulations on defeating William Regal last night at Vengeance. And if you don't mind me saying, you totally reeked of awesomeness.

Edge: Thanks Coach, but I can't take anything away from Regal. He's tough, and he brought it last night. He almost escaped with my Intercontinental Championship. But you know what? He didn't. And I have a message for Mr. William Regal. [mock English accent] You don't have one of these to hold up your trousers, do ya? Have you kissed any bums lately? You bum kisser! You cheeky monkey! [makes kissing sounds, then William Regal knocks Edge out from behind]

Jim Ross: Oh wait! Regal, God!

William Regal: Not so bloody funny now are you?

Ross: With the brass knucks! Regal just cheap shotted Edge with the brass knucks!

Jerry Lawler: Edge is out cold!

2002

February 25

[HHH faces Stephanie and Chris Jericho over the married couple's allegedly poor sexual exploits]

Triple H: You know, Steph, maybe it was not so much the Game that was short, maybe the field I was playing on was too damn big.

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: [shocked as crowd pops] I don't know what you mean by that!

HHH: You don't know what I mean? Let me tell you what I mean.

Stephanie: [sees the crowd becoming more agitated] Shut up, all of you SHUT UP!!

HHH: Let me tell you what I mean, let me make it a little more clear for you. You see Steph, even a 747 looks small when you're flying it [points hand at Steph's hips] into the Grand Canyon!

March 18

Linda McMahon: Good evening. First of all, let me take this opportunity to thank our millions of fans around the world, as well as the World Wrestling Federation superstars, who made WrestleMania X8 such an overwhelming success. Secondly, I would like to inform our fans, our superstars, as well as the co-owners of the World Wrestling Federation, that the board of directors has reached the decision on an action plan for the company. The board is afraid that absent in the action, the animosity between Ric Flair and Vince McMahon will continue to be counterproductive for all concerned. Therefore, we are proposing a brand extension under the World Wrestling Federation corporate umbrella, in which Ric Flair would have 100% control and authority over WWF Raw, and Vince McMahon would have 100% control and authority over WWF SmackDown!. We also proposed that one week from tonight on Raw, there be a draft of World Wrestling Federation superstars, in which each co-owner would select his respective talent that would be exclusive to his brand. With the exception of World Wrestling Federation Women's Champion, the men's champion, whose services would be available to both brands. This is an exciting adventure for the World Wrestling Federation. One which we feel is the only solution to ensure that this bitter competition between Vince McMahon and Ric Flair becomes a positive for the benefit of our company, and for our superstars, but most importantly for you, the World Wrestling Federation fans. Thank you.

March 25

Linda McMahon: Good evening. Tonight, we will witness the first-ever World Wrestling Federation draft. Vince McMahon will represent SmackDown!. Ric Flair will represent Raw. In the interest of time, only 20 picks will actually be made live tonight. A lottery will be held immediately following Raw on WWF.com to determine placement of all other World Wrestling Federation performers. The result of tonight's historic draft becomes effective on next week's Raw. However, because of the Triple Threat WWF Championship match tonight, neither Triple H, Chris Jericho, nor Stephanie McMahon is eligible to be drafted. And due to a contractual clause, Stone Cold Steve Austin is not eligible to be drafted either. Mr. Austin is therefore declared a free agent, able to sign with either SmackDown! or Raw. Thank you for your attention this evening and best of luck to all the World Wrestling Federation superstars.

April 1

Ric Flair: Welcome to Raw. Tonight, Raw enters a new era. The Ric Flair era. An era that promises to be more exciting and action-filled, woo, than ever before. And tonight, I promise to do everything in my power to sign Stone Cold Steve Austin to a contract that will ensure that Stone Cold Steve Austin stays with Raw forever. And also, I have the personal honor tonight, of presenting the new Undisputed Championship belt to the reigning World Wrestling Federation champion, Triple H. Let the party begin! Woo!

April 22

[Big Show and Stone Cold Steve Austin are facing Scott Hall and X-Pac in a tag team match]

Jim Ross: Austin's gotta make the tag. He's close to the Big Show. [Austin tags in Big Show]

Jerry Lawler: Oh there it is!

Ross: Austin makes the tag. The Big Show gets the tag, and here he comes. And look at the nWo, they want no part of... [Big Show pulls down the straps from his singlet as Hall and X-Pac get on their knees]

Lawler: Oh no! [Big Show suddenly grabs Austin by the throat]

Ross: Hey, wait a minute!

Lawler: What?!

Ross: What the hell?! What the hell is this?! Oh my God! [Big Show lifts Austin in the air for a chokeslam]

Lawler: What is he doing?!

Ross: My God, the 500-pounder! Big Show... [Big Show chokeslams Austin]

Lawler: Oh!

Ross: The big bastard just chokeslammed Austin all the way to hell!

Lawler: His own partner! [Big Show raises hands with Hall and X-Pac, signifying he has joined the nWo] Look at this!

Ross: What the hell is this?! My God, has the Big Show joined the nWo?! My God the Big Show!

Lawler: I can't believe what I'm seeing, but JR, I think you're right!

Ross: What a no good bastard, the Big Show chokeslamming Austin! My God I cannot, can you imagine what this means?!

April 29

The Undertaker: There's an old expression that goes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And I guess that re, I guess that goes for you, Hogan. Because I remember your first run here in the World Wrestling Federation. I remember how these people would get up on their chairs and scream. How small children in their red and yellow t-shirts would get on their fathers' shoulders just to get a glimpse at their hero. But Hogan, back in the day, do you remember what happened when I would come to the ring? All those smiles, all the laughter would be replaced by frowns and tears. Those small kids would get off their fathers' shoulders, hide behind his legs. They would hide there in fear Hogan. Just like you hide in fear when you think about facing me. Hogan, what you have to realize is I'm not like everybody else. I'm not like The Rock. I'm not like Triple H. I'm not awe-struck by your presence, and I'm definitely not impressed with you. You know why? Because I beat you. And deep down, although you don't want to admit it, you know that I am better than you are now. Better than when you were in your prime. Hogan knows the pain and the humiliation that I am capable of inflicting on anybody I choose. You've always known this Hogan. And that's exactly why you ran off from the WWF the first time. Hogan, you knew if you stayed, that I would hurt you. and you were right. Hogan wants no part of me. That's why he was so anxious for a rematch with Triple H, and that's probably why he'll lose at SmackDown! against Jericho. But Hogan, what you have to realize is, that I can do much more than take your title. What I can do Hogan, is take a living, breathing icon and beat him and batter him and leave him a bloody shell of a man. Hogan you don't have to take my word for it. All you have to do is ask Ric Flair. There's a thought Hogan, that you need to come to grips with. That thought is, when you come face to face with The Undertaker, the party is over. That's why Hogan, that's why I hope you beat Jericho Thursday night. I want you to be the champion come Judgment Day. Hell, that's why I let you win at Backlash. Because I wanna personally see the expressions on these people's faces when I destroy the legend that is Hulk Hogan.

Jerry Lawler: He say he let Hogan win at Backlash?

Undertaker: The most terrifying part about it is Hogan, there's not a damn thing that you can do about it.[Hollywood Hulk Hogan's music hits]

Jim Ross: Interesting words from The Under - whoa, wait a minute! [Hollywood Hulk Hogan comes out] And The Undertaker is being faced now with reality. The reality of Hulkamania. The reality that Hollywood Hulk Hogan is the man. The reality that Hogan will defend the Undisputed title this Thursday night on SmackDown! against Chris Jericho.

Lawler: And I don't think The Undertaker actually ever got around to technically calling out Hollywood Hulk Hogan, but here he is anyway!

Ross: Undertaker did not call Hogan out, but Hogan is here, ready, willing, and able to confront the number one contender. And this powder keg will explode at any heartbeat.

Lawler: I wanna see it! Do it! [crowd chants "Hogan"]

Ross: There's a lot of history between these two. Hogan showing no fear. No intimidation.

Undertaker: I can see it in your eyes Hogan. You're ready to go aren't you? You want a piece of me don't you? I bet you even got something to say to me, don't ya Hogan? Well let me let you save your breath, because I think I know what it is you wanna say. Let me tell you what I'm gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on me.

Lawler: Uh-oh!

Undertaker: I'm gonna beat you down like the bitch you are.

Ross: Evil disrespect. [Hogan punches Undertaker] And Hogan just thinned The Undertaker! And Hogan is ready to fight! The WWF champion is ready to fight, and The Undertaker, oh don't tell me The Undertaker has to levitate.

Lawler: Come on Undertaker! Where's he going?

June 17

Vince McMahon: Ever since last Monday night, the question that seems to be on everyone's mind is, is Stone Cold Steve Austin really gone? Sadly, sadly the answer to that question is yes.

Jerry Lawler: Wow.

McMahon: I know, I don't like it any more than you do. The other question on everyone's mind is, one day, will Stone Cold Steve Austin be back in action in World Wrestling Entertainment?

Lawler: That's the question.

McMahon: I sincerely hope so. Quite frankly, I really don't have the answer to that question and I'll tell you why. See, Austin has a lot of explaining and a lot of apologizing to do before he comes back. Austin, when he walked last Monday, it wasn't the first time he walked out on us. It happened once before, the day after WrestleMania, when Austin packed his bag without notifying anyone. He simply packed his bag and went home. He was scheduled to be on Raw just as he was scheduled last Monday. Austin stayed home for approximately two weeks claiming he was burned out. All right, you can understand being burned out. We all have been burned out from time to time, and given the enormous contributions that Austin made, and has made to our company, all was forgiven, two weeks later Austin came back to work. Nonetheless, in my mind, Austin owes an apology for walking out to every superstar in that locker room. Austin owes an apology to the company he helped build. Austin owes an apology to each and every one of you for walking out on you. I don't know if Austin's ever gonna come back to action or not. [crowd chants "Austin"]

Lawler: You can tell JR, that the fans want him back.

McMahon: Last Monday, Austin was in town, he was scheduled to be on Raw as I said, and a number of us attempted to speak to him on his cell phone. He refused to take our calls until finally, after repeated attempts, Austin took one call. That was from that man right there. [points to Jim Ross] Austin's friend, Jim Ross. JR pleaded with Austin, since you're in town, don't walk, simply just come to the arena. Sit down and discuss your grievances as a man. Austin didn't do that. JR's plea fell on deaf ears. And quite frankly, Austin's actions both personally and professionally are certainly uncharacteristic of the man we all know. Nonetheless, Austin, as an adult, should and will be held accountable. We have to move on as a company without Austin. And move on we will, we have to. We have no alternative. We'll develop new stars, new matches, new concepts, even this Sunday's King of the Ring winner will automatically face the champion at SummerSlam. Austin is gone, but clearly Stone Cold will never, ever be forgotten. I know that in Austin's heart, he wishes every superstar in the locker room well. He wishes all of you well. And I know Austin wishes even the company that he helped build well. So Steve tonight, wherever you are, I'd like to say on behalf of all the superstars, some of whom are riding your coattails for the trailblazes you made, I'd like to say Steve, to you, on behalf of the company that you helped build, on behalf Steve, of every single fan that you entertained throughout the years all over the world, on behalf of all of us Steve, I would simply like to say thank you. Thank you Stone Cold. Thank you for the memories.

July 1

[Booker T chances upon Goldust]

Booker T: Tell me you're not dressed like that. Man put that thing before you get somebody eye-witted. Who are you supposed to be tonight?

Goldust: [as Darth Vader, complete with breathing. touches Booker T] Booker, the Force is strong with you, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Booker T: Look man, I don't know what you're talking about, but I ain't no Star Wars geek. I ain't watched a movie and never will.

Goldust: [removes helmet] Booker, it's not about that. It's about last week and our splendid plan. It's about me concocting another marvelous plan tonight if you will only go over there and relax. Get your matcon and get ready.. I will be back [dons helmet]

Booker T: Let me see that. [takes lightsaber toy, but gets amazed when it lights up, and makes motions and humming sounds as if he's using the weapon] I'm like, I'm about to get medieval man... OBI-BOOK KENOBI!! It don't matter whether you're a Stormtrooper or the nWo, your ass is about to get waxed by the five-time Master Jedi champion, now can you dig that, [kneels and thrusts lightsaber upwards] sucka!!! [returns to normal and gives Goldust the lightsaber back] Take care of your business, man. [leaves]

July 8

Vince McMahon: Good evening. Based upon the fact that last week, The Undertaker defended the Undisputed Championship against Jeff Hardy on Raw and against Kurt Angle on SmackDown!, I have taken the liberty of giving The Undertaker a well-deserved night off. Furthermore, The Undertaker is preparing to welcome The Rock back to SmackDown! this Thursday night. However due to the controversy surrounding the Kurt Angle versus Undertaker match, the highlights of which you've just witnessed, and in the interest of fairness, the main event at Vengeance will now be Kurt Angle versus The Rock versus The Undertaker in a Triple Threat matchup for the Undisputed WWE Championship. Thank you.

July 15

Booker T: [in interview with Jonathan Coachman] The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the [counts fingers on hand] five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... [looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]

Eric Bischoff: [shaking Booker's hand] Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.

Booker T: [to Coach after Eric walks off] Tell me I didn't just see that.

---

[With the one-hour countdown to naming a new Raw General Manager is up, Vince comes out]

Vince McMahon: You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of Raw - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!

[Bischoff comes out and gives McMahon a deep embrace and raise their arms together. Bischoff heads down to the ring]

Eric Bischoff: For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

When Vince McMahon needed star power, I was ruthless. Hell, I signed everybody he had! Hulk Hogan - Randy Savage - Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Roddy Piper, it went on and on and on, hell - I was like a kid in a candy store! I signed Bobby "the Brain" Heenan and Mean Gene Okerlund... just for the hell of it! Just because I could. But what I really did... is I took this little family business, this McMahon monopoly, and I gave it one big swift kick in the crotch. And it was sweet. In fact, while Vince McMahon was on trial with the federal government, he took his eye off the ball - and I raided his company dry.

And for all of you people who say the only reason I was successful is because I had Ted Turner's money, I've got news for each and every one of you - I was successful because I was innovative. In fact, I was cutting edge, remember - remember back when Raw was taped every other week and Nitro was live, and I decided to go on the air two minutes before Raw, and I gave away everything that happened on Raw so YOU people didn't have to watch it? Oh, DAMN! That was ruthless. And it was a little aggressive, but it worked. And how about Alundra Blayze, you remember her? Vince's Woman's World Champion, I signed her away and I said 'hey, Alundra, bring your belt to Nitro,' she didn't really want to, but I made her, 'cause... she worked for me. And I had her go out on national television and throw it in the trash! Hahaha... that one killed me, it was a little ruthless, it was a little aggressive, but it worked.

But you know what the important thing was? Is I forced Vince McMahon to change the way he did television. I did. Because on Nitro, I gave away a competitive main event every week with big stars! Hell, WCW Nitro changed the face of sports entertainment forever! And I singlehandedly forced Vince McMahon to change the way HE did business so HE could keep up with ME. It was beautiful. Hey, remember when I created the nWo? Cutting edge! Ruthless! Aggressive! Not some stale retread. Nitro beat Raw 84 WEEKS IN A ROW. Eighty-four weeks in a row, and I came THIS close - can you see it? THIS close to putting this company out of business forever. Singlehandedly!

So naturally, I was a little surprised when my phone rang...and on the other end was none other than Vince McMahon, and he said 'hey Eric, whaddaya think about becoming the general manager of Raw?' Well I gotta tell ya, I was surprised. I was DAMN surprised. But then the more I thought about it, the more sense it made to me - because you see if there's one person - ONE person who can take this... struggling franchise, and turn it into a national media powerhouse! Well... that would be... ME. And it's gonna start right here on Raw, and we're gonna kick it off this Sunday at Vengeance. Because there was one thing that I really wanted to do when I was running WCW, never got the job done, one piece of talent that I could never sign away. Just one. And I'm absolutely convinced - absolutely convinced that if I would have been able to sign him that right now, today, Nitro would be on the air, and Vince McMahon, my new best friend, with all due respect, would be working for me. But that's okay. Because it's not gonna be the nWo that signs Triple H - uh uh - that would be me.

And for all of the rest of you in the back - some of you I've had a chance to work with, some of you I'm meeting for the very first time - one thing I'm sure you'll all agree on is that people generally like working for me - it's really not about the money - truly, it's not. People are drawn to winners - you people are drawn to winners - Mr. McMahon was drawn to a winner, which is why he hired me. Let's face it: the WWE needs me - you people DESERVE me - and there's one thing I wanna promise each and every one of you people. I am here to put the 'E' in WWE.

July 22

Shawn Michaels: Oh my!

Jerry Lawler: Yeah you got that right, oh my!

Michaels: Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the old rasslin' show, look who's back in town! The boys who were rebels before being a rebel was cool, D-Generation X!

Triple H: With that said, [crowd chants "DX"]

Lawler: Oh here we go! That didn't take long did it?

Jim Ross: Not long at all.

Lawler: These people remember DX!

Triple H: You damn right. ARE YOU READY? [crowd cheers]

Ross: I don't know if we are or not, but we better get ready.

Triple H: I said, ARE YOU READY?

Lawler: They're ready! I don't know if Eric Bischoff is ready.

Triple H: Then, for the thousands in attendance, and for the millions watching at home, LET'S GET READY TO SUCK IT!

Lawler: Oh ho ho there it is! [Triple H suddenly kicks Michaels in the gut]

Ross: Hey wait a minute!

Lawler: What?!

Ross: What the hell?! [Triple H pedigrees Michaels] No!

Lawler: What is this?

Ross: Triple H with a Pedigree on Shawn Michaels! Good God almighty!

Lawler: What?!

Ross: What the hell is this about?!

Lawler: What is this about, look at this!

Ross: Shawn Michaels has not been in the ring in four years, he is, he, what the hell is this about?!

August 26

Paul Heyman: We stand here tonight on the sacred ground of the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden. And, you can take Bruno Sammartino, Superstar Billy Graham, Hollywood Hulk Hogan...you can combine them all and they STILL don't equal this man. And the funniest thing about it is, I TOLD YOU SO! And none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar was the Next Big Thing, and none of you would listen. I told you Brock Lesnar would win the King of the Ring, and none of you would listen to me. I told you that Brock Lesnar would destroy the myth of Hulkamania, none of you would listen to me! I told you Brock Lesnar would beat The Rock for the Undisputed title at SummerSlam, and none of you would listen to me! Well you think by now, you people would learn to listen!

October 7

[Triple H and Ric Flair appear on the stage after Kane successfully defends the World Tag Team Championship in a TLC match]

Triple H: Kane, I promised you that before this night was over, your life would never be the same. You said this is the happiest you've ever been in your life, huh? Well, unfortunately, some people always can't be that happy. [crowd chants "asshole" at Triple H] Let me ask you a question, Kane! How happy is Katie Vick? Yeah, that's right. I know, Kane. I know it all. Ten years ago, you killed her. That's right, Kane. You are a murderer. [Kane stands in the ring, speechless]

October 14

Kane: Katie Vick was a friend of mine, and Katie Vick is dead. But I didn't kill her. It was an accident, and I am not a murderer! See, Katie and I were friends about ten years ago. Back when I first started wrestling. In fact, she came to my first match, and she was probably the only one that cared when I was getting beat up. I cared about her too. One night, Katie and I, uh, we went to a party and Katie had too much to drink. So I decided that I should drive her home. I wasn't real familiar with a stick shift, but Katie insisted that we take her car, uh, it was dark, the road was slick as it was raining and a animal jumped, jumped right out in front of us, and uh, I swerved, swerved to uh, to avoid it, and the car spun out of control, went off the road, and uh, I broke my arm, but, but Katie was uh, Katie was killed instantly. But it was an accident! But it's something that I have to live with and, something that I've thought about every day since. So, the only thing that I have left to say is what I said to Katie's parents. I'm sorry.

Triple H: Oh boo hoo, Kane! Boo hoo! You've got me all choked up with your touching story Kane. But since you're out here, baring your soul, why don't you tell the world the whole truth? Why don't you tell the world that when the people from that party were questioned, they all said that you were drinking too, Kane. Why don't you tell everybody how when the police got to the accident scene, there were empty beer cans in the car and all around the crime scene. And more importantly Kane, why don't you explain to the world how when doctors did the autopsy on Katie Vick's body, the doctors found your semen. That's right, Kane. Oh, Katie Vick was a whole lot more than just a "friend" to you, wasn't she, Kane? The fact is, you loved Katie Vick. You were madly in love with Katie Vick. The problem was, Katie Vick liked you. She didn't love you, Kane. Katie didn't share your "special" feelings that you had. And come on, Kane, honestly. Who can blame her? Look at you. Who could realistically love a burnt-up freak like you? Now Kane, I know that you weren't charged with murder. I know you weren't even charged with manslaughter. But Kane, facts are facts. And the fact is Kane, the fact is that all of this points to you! You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it. You killed Katie Vick! But Kane, the question I have is, on that night, did you force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive, or did you just wait and do it to her when she was dead?

October 21

Eric Bischoff: And I love each and every one of you people too. [crowd boos]

Jim Ross: He really means it folks.

Jerry Lawler: It's sincere.

Ross: Yep.

Bischoff: Hey hey hey hey hey. But tonight, Big Show's going to find out what happens when you lay your hands on Eric Bischoff. And at Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon is going to find out what happens when you try to out-promote Eric Bischoff. Now make no mistake about it, that Hell in a Cell match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, it was a spectacle.

Ross: Great.

Bischoff: No, it was a bloodbath. No mistake about it. But it is going to pale in comparison to the match that I have in mind. You see, at Survivor Series, you're going to witness an ingenious creation. One that could only come from the mind of Eric Bischoff.

Lawler: Oh boy! This'll be good. [camera shows a sign that reads "ERIC BISCHOFF SUCKS"] Hey.

Bischoff: At Survivor Series, you will bear witness to the Elimination Chamber.

Lawler: Elimination Chamber?

Ross: What the hell is that?

Lawler: Sounds scary. Look at that look.

December 9

Jim Ross: Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw here in Knoxville. Raw general manager Eric Bischoff, chief of staff Chief Morley already in the ring.

Jerry Lawler: What are these guys doing out here?

Chief Morley: At this time, Mr. Eric Bischoff and I, Chief Morley, are out here to address two men. Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the Titantron. [Shawn Michaels appears on the Titantron] The first man we would like to introduce is the World Champion, Shawn Michaels. [crowd cheers] The other is the challenger to the World title, Triple H. [Triple H appears on the Titantron and the crowd boos] Mr. Bischoff.

Eric Bischoff: Thank you, chief. You know, Shawn, Hunter, after everything that you two have been through, it's clear to me that your World title match at Armageddon cannot be just a regular match. Absolutely not. Which is why I, Eric Bischoff, have decided that your World title match at Armageddon will be two out of three falls. And that's just the beginning. You see, you two have so much history together, that I've devised a way to encapsulate everything that you've been through. And here's how it's going to work. The first fall, just like your match at SummerSlam, is going to be a street fight.

Morley: The second fall, just like your match at Survivor Series, will take place inside a steel cage.

Ross: Wow.

Bischoff: Oh. And if it goes to a third fall, well then Hunter, you're gonna have a chance to compete in a match that Shawn Michaels made famous. A ladder match!

Lawler: Oh!

Ross: Wow.

Lawler: Look at Triple H.

Bischoff: You see, this issue between you two is coming to an end at Armageddon. And with Armageddon less than a week away, Shawn, Hunter, the end is near.

Ross: What, man I'll tell you what King, that is no truer statement I don't think can be spoken regarding the end is near. Can you imagine this Sunday at Armageddon in Fort Lauderdale, on pay-per-view, a best two out of three fall match. The first fall, just at SummerSlam, a street fight. The second fall, inside a steel cage. And what about that third fall if necessary?

Lawler: Well, if necessary. as he said. The fall is gonna consist of a match that Shawn Michaels made famous, a ladder match.

2003

February 3

Triple H: Today marks the beginning of a new era. You see, in this industry, just like in life, everything evolves. And what you see in this ring before you is the greatest example of Evolution you will ever see. Ric Flair, 16 times Heavyweight Champion of the World, the Nature Boy, the greatest professional wrestler of all time, a living legend. WHOO! Ric Flair has done it all and has beaten them all and done with a class and a style like no one else. Take it from me: There is no one better than Ric Flair.

And all of the things Flair represents, I am today. I have taken all of those attributes and I have put them into the ultimate package. I have put them into a body that every man out there wishes he had and every single one of you women out there wants to be with. You top that off with a mind made for this business and you get the greatest Ring General of all time. You get the best that there is. You get The Game. You get the World Heavyweight Champion. Trust me, trust me when I tell you that there is only one diamond in this business, and baby, you’re looking at him.

But evolution always continues, and you have to look to the future. And I look to you, Dave Batista. 6'5", 325 pounds of genetic stopping power! Unbridled destruction! In a war, when all seems lost, you take out your biggest gun and you blow them all away.

And Randy Orton. The business in his blood. Third-generation Superstar, the man has every gift a man can be given. Raw, raw genetic talent. Randy Orton is the diamond-[correcting himself] Randy Orton is the coal that will be squeezed into the next diamond.

You see, in life, everything happens for a reason. That's just the natural process of evolution. You see, and if you don't have what it takes, you will be left behind. So if you wake up one day, and you’re lying in a hospital bed, and you’re all beat up and you’re wondering to yourself what in the hell happened, then there's just one answer for you: Evolution has just passed you by.

February 24

[from an exclusive interview, a few weeks after Goldust was electrocuted]

Jim Ross: Goldust, let's get right to the heart of the matter, how are you feeling these days?

Goldust: Question is, after last week's beating, how are you feeling, JR?

Jim: Well...uh, I'll-I'll be all right, but I'm a whole lot more concerned about you and...give us an update.

Goldust: Well, I was electrocuted, you know, there's...you either die or you live, and, uh...happily, I lived, and-and hopefully soon I'll be back.

Jim: Your good friend Booker T said that, on a recent interview, that "good ol' Goldie wasn't quite right". Uh, there's also been rumors abounding that, uh, you have some neurological challenges you're trying to overcome. How do you address those rumors?

Goldust: There's been a lot of rumors for a lot of years about Goldust not being "right". As far as Booker T's concerned, he's my best friend. He's been my supporter. The fans have sup - [twitching] ooh, ooh, ooh - supported me through thick and thin.

Jim: Excuse me?

Goldust: Well, they've supported me. I feel good. I feel as good as...I feel - uhh, AHH! - as good as gold, I'm coming back - AHH!

Jim: Look, Goldust, I'm...I don't think - I don't think I'm going out on a limb here to say that, uh...there's something wrong here.

Goldust: Well, I-I think there's something wrong too, you know, the doctors don't - ooh, ooh - don't...don't...mmm...don't, don't really know what's wrong with me, you know. Uh, but they say as long as I take...take my medication that-that-that-that...that, uh, you know, everything will - AHH! - work it...work itself out, so...you know, that's - AY! - that's all I can say.

Jim: If you had the opportunity to say something to the two men that did this to you - Randy Orton and Batista - what would it be?

Goldust [staring into the camera]: Randy Orton and Batista...you don't know what it feels like to be on the edge of death...but when this is all over, said and done, you will never forget the name of - [inhales] - Goldust. [chomps]

---

The Rock [singing and playing his guitar]: ~Ever since the Rock came into town, everybody tried to bring him down, Canadians have no class, that's why they can kiss the People's ass.~

[suddenly the Hurricane appears before him. The Rock stops playing his guitar]

The Hurricane: Holy letdown! The Rock! You used to be an idol, an icon; loved by millions...and millions! And yet tonight, you come out, and you trash the people! What's up wit dat?

[The Rock removes his shades, looks the Hurricane up and down, clears his throat and sets his guitar aside]

The Rock: Who...in the green hell, are you? Oh, no you-no-no-no, don't answer that, [standing up] the Rock knows who you are! Oh yeah, the Rock knows exactly who you are! The green shirt, 'H' on your chest, green mask...why, you're the Hamburglar! Yeah, you're that cat that works for McDonald's! Go get me a cheeseburger, go get the Rock a cheeseburger, no ketchup! Ah-ah-ah, as a matter of fact, no-no, don't go nowhere! The Rock knows exactly who you are, yeah! Yeah, you're the resident superhero, the Hurricane! The Rock knows who you are, my man, yeah; don't you ever bust in the Rock's door like that again, you hear? Hey, but what's more importantly than that, let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'. You understand that? Every superhero can whip that ass, every single one of 'em! EVERY single one of 'em! Superman, Batman, Aquaman, oh yeah, Aquaman, that dude that talks to the fish, he'll whip that little candy ass, [snapping his fingers] just like that!

The Hurricane: Well, I know one superhero who I can definitely beat!

The Rock [grinning, to himself]: This is a joke. [to the Hurricane] Who?

The Hurricane: The Scorpion King!

The Rock: Oh, no you-! You, no-no-no - there is no WAY you can beat the Scorpion King, you don't-!

The Hurricane: Brendan Fraser beat the Scorpion King!

The Rock: Brenda-da-da-da, he did not, that was a special effect for the movie, for crying - the Scorpion King is the most powerful-

The Hurricane [interrupting]: Let me ask you one question, Rock, just one more: can the Rock...fly?

The Rock: ...you've been smokin' them funny cigarettes? The Rock gonna fly and whip that candy ass, the Rock-

The Hurricane: Well, good! Because tonight, the Hurricane is gonna send your candy ass flying over the top rope in that battle royal! ["flies" out of the room]

The Rock: ...it was a special effect for the movie!

March 3

["The Coach", Jonathan Coachman, knocks twice on the door to the Rock's locker room, microphone in hand. The Rock finally answers, while putting a stick of gum into his mouth]

Coach: Hey, Rock, what's, what's goin' on-

The Rock [interrupting]: Are you...are you on crack, Coach? Are you on cr - wh-wh-what are you doing? What are you doing?

Coach: I just wanted to get a word with you before you go out tonight-

The Rock: You can't get a word with the Rock, that's not the way it works, you know that! You just don't, knock on the Rock's locker like that, the People's locker, you KNOW that! You already know that! [stammering] Hey, hey, d-do you have an *appointment* to speak to the Rock, is that it?

Coach: Rock, Rock, we go back-

The Rock: [stammering mockingly] Ah, shut up, Coach, let the Rock check the People's Palm Pilot! [holding up his hand] Ka-kow! [looking at his empty hand] How's Wednesday?

Coach: No, We-Wednesday doesn't work for me-

The Rock: Wednesday works! You and your Rock-wannabe haircut, get out of the Rock's face! Who cut your hair? Ray Charles? Beat it! Wash ya ass! [Coach reluctantly leaves. The Rock goes back inside his locker room] Rock can't be dealing with that! The Rock has got a very big night; millions and millions of the Rock's fans waiting for him! [the crowd boos] The Rock said, millions and millions of the Rock's fans, waiting for him! [the crowd boos again, louder] Where's the Rock's guitar? The Rock has gotta soothe his soul, he's gotta sing a song! [walks over to one of the curtains] The Rock's gotta sing a song, baby! Wh- [pulls the curtain back, only to see the Hurricane sitting in the closet behind the curtain] Heh...excuse the Rock one second. [closes the curtain, throws off his shades, ponders, and shakes his head, grinning] Nah. [chuckling] Nah. [turns back around and pulls back the curtain again. The Hurricane jumps out of the closet and stands on the other side of the Rock]

The Hurricane: Holy...hypocrite! Just last week, you challenged Stone Cold Steve Austin to meet you, face-to-face, and yet this week, you got Eric Bischoff and his criminal committee doing all your dastardly work. What's up wit dat??

The Rock [looking back to the curtain, then back at the Hurricane, clearing his throat]: How long...have you been sitting in there? Huh? W-w-watching the Rock all night long, w-w-walking around here naked?! Oh, no, don't a - don't answer that, no-no-no, don't answer that! Tell you what. The Rock's glad you're here. The Rock's glad you're here, because - I wanted to talk to you. The Rock - the Rock, he was gonna go looking for you. Do you remember last week when you came, waltzin' in to the Rock's locker, you remember that? Yeah. And you talk - and you talk about how, how, how the Hurricane, could just whip the Scorpion King's ass! Yeah, you remember that? And you also talk, talk about how the Hurricane could just, could just gonna toss the Rock over the top rope, remember that? Well, if the Rock's memory serves him correctly, it was the Rock that tossed your little Hamburglar monkey ass right over the top rope. Remember that? Made you with all your friends; you had Grimace, and-and-and Mayor McCheese, Ronald McDonald, all them! Yeah! Remember that? More importantly than that, more importantly than that...when the Rock tossed you over the top rope, he was screaming something; the Rock was screaming something very important in your ear. Do you remember what the Rock was screaming?

The Hurricane: I remember you screaming. But it was when Booker T threw yo' ass over the top rope that you were screaming! [demonstrating how the Rock was thrown over the top rope] Like this!

The Rock: Don't do that. [The Hurricane demonstrates again] [stammering] No, none of that! Hey! Hey! [addressing the crowd] Hey-hey, stop cheering! [the crowd cheers loudly] Hey, he didn't throw - no, he didn't! You hear the Rock, he didn't throw - Booker T didn't throw the Rock over the top rope, the Rock tripped over the top rope, that's what happened. [to the crowd] Yeah, that's what happened! [the crowd boos] Oh, the Rock said that's what happened! [the crowd boos again] Let the Rock, l-l-let the Rock, let the Rock remind you of something! Let the Rock remind you of something: you ain't nothin'! You ain't nothin'! You ain't no superhero, not like the Scorpion King! You're 100 pounds of nothin'! 5-feet-nothin'! Oh, excuse the Rock one second, excuse the Rock, [taking his cell phone out of his pocket] his cell phone's goin' off! Oh, yeah! Oh... ["answering" his cell phone] Ka-kow, hello? Hey, it's Nothing, he says he knows you! [putting his cell phone back into his pocket] You're nothin'! [to the crowd] Oh, don't laugh at the Rock's jokes! [to the Hurricane] Cause you're nothin'! You're no - and, as a superhero... [chuckling] you've got braces! [The Hurricane begrudgingly smiles to reveal the braces on his teeth] You've got braces - what, wh-what are you, the president of student council? Is that what you're gonna do? What, are you gonna go sell band candy after the show? [laughing] Get your little Hamburglar green monkey ass out of the - before you leave, before you leave, before you go flyin' out, you do all that...uh, unrealistic crap, let the Rock remind you of something: the Rock, when he threw you over the top rope, he was saying to you, he was screaming to you, he was screaming to you, he said, hey! The greatest line, a superhero has ever said, the Scorpion King! He said, "haku machente, da"! "Haku machente, ah!", do you remember that? Do you have any idea what that means? Do you have any idea, can you fathom, how-how enormous that is? Do you know what "haku machente" means?

The Hurricane: Well, apparently, from what I saw behind that curtain, it means "the Scorpion King's got a tiny ding-a-ling"!

The Rock [horrified]: AAHH!! AHH! No! No! Ahh! No - [stammering] - hey, whoa-whoa-whoa, I mean, there's a reason they call the Rock "The Rock"! Oh, yeah! [patting his leg] E-easy, big fella! Oh, yeah. Ah, no! No! That - [to the crowd] - stop laughing! [to the Hurricane, stammering] You know, I tell ya - how 'bout back to reality, a place that you clearly have no idea where that's at, because you are clearly insane? Let the Rock ask you this: what do - what do you want? What do you want?

The Hurricane: I'm here, Rock, because I figured you out. You're a coward! You're afraid of Steve Austin! You're afraid of Stone Cold! That's why you got Eric Bischoff to do all your dirty work today. You see, you talk a big game, and your gums, they do flap, but it would appear, that you're full of Brahma bull CRAP! ["flies" his way out of the Rock's locker room again]

The Rock: Hey-hey-hey, the Rock ain't scared, of nobody! Nobody! [looking down at his pants] You are still the man! You are still, you are...

March 31

Jim Ross: Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.

Jerry Lawler: Hey hey hey! Easy!

Ross: That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

April 14

[Christopher Nowinski and Scott Steiner are participating in a debate over the invasion of Iraq with Jerry Lawler moderating]

Jerry Lawler: Well ladies and gentlemen, we are ready for the great debate. You've heard of great debates in the past. There was the Lincoln-Douglas debate. There was the Kennedy-Nixon debate, but tonight, we have the Steiner-Nowinski debate. Now let me explain something here. Tonight's topic is Operation Iraqi Freedom. And in this date, in this debate, Scott Steiner will argue in favor of the operation and Chris Nowinski will argue against it. Let me explain, gentlemen, the rules. Each participant will be given their opportunity to make their case and if either one of you interrupts, they will be disqualified. Understand? Christopher Nowinski, you're up first.

Christopher Nowinski: Thank you. Well first I'd like to thank my esteemed colleague for being willing to take part in this gentlemanly debate. But I brought my mask just in case. Now I would like to reiterate and expound the statements I made last week, with the contention that America is using its vast military superiority in order to bully smaller nations. [crowd boos] And I ask you, where does it end? Do we invade and overthrow every government that doesn't seem to share the worldview of our country's administration? [crowd cheers] Yeah, do we go invade Syria now? Or North Korea? Or do we only invade countries that have oil? Let's face it. This war is unnecessary and ludicrous! [crowd boos] Hey, while you may not like what I have to say, as an American, not only am I guaranteed that right to speak my mind by the Constitution, but it is my patriotic duty to do so.

Lawler: That's a pretty powerful point of view. Scott Steiner, your rebuttal.

Scott Steiner: You see, throughout my career, I've wrestled in a lot of countries, but without a shadow of a doubt, the United States of America is the greatest country of them all. [crowd cheers] See, we have fought to make this the land of the free and the home of the brave, and one of those freedoms is freedom of speech. The right to state your opinion, but as the saying goes, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. [crowd cheers] Even a master debater like yourself. See we as a country, we didn't start this thing. Terrorists started this. Terrorism started this when they hijacked planes, flew them into buildings on 9/11. Terrorism started this, and Iraq has been known to harbor, finance, support, and even train terrorism. They started it. Terrorism started it, not us. Terrorism drew first blood on 9/11, and you can bet your sweet ass, we're gonna get even and we're gonna finish it. [crowd cheers] But the bottom line is, there are thousands of Americans, men and women, who are fighting for our freedom, making the ultimate sacrifice. They're the real heroes, and I support them. So you, the Dixie Chicks, all those Hollywood numbnuts, [crowd cheers] that don't support our troops can go straight to hell! [crowd cheers] Or France, same difference. Just don't let the, the door hit you in the ass on the way out because we ain't gonna miss ya! [crowd cheers]

Nowinski: Well, I've tried to tell ya, give ya a fair warning that your views are wrong. But apparently, the only kind of view that you understand, the only warning you understand is one that takes about...three minutes.

May 12

[The Dudley Boyz just trashed 3-Minute Warning for almost beating up Classy Freddie Blassie, but....]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Whoa whoa whoa, stop it right there. Stop it right there. Classy Freddie Blassie got something he wants to say.

Freddie Blassie: D-Von, get the table!

Austin: You heard the man. D-Von get the table!!! [Dudleys prepare the table for Rico]

May 19

[Triple H has successfully defended the World Heavyweight Championship against Ric Flair and escaped from Kevin Nash]

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Congratulations, you've got Kevin Nash...Houston, Texas...June 15...Bad Blood...Hell in a Cell!

July 14

[After Kane sets Jim Ross on fire]

Eric Bischoff [walking out into the arena]: Damn you, Steve Austin! Damn you anyway! How do you feel now? Are you proud of yourself now, Austin? How did that make you feel?! That wasn't Kane who put the match to Jim Ross! That wasn't Kane who poured gasoline on him! That wasn't Kane who set Jim Ross on fire, dammit! It was YOU! This is YOUR fault! Yours and yours alone! And I've got news for you; I got a call from Linda McMahon! Next week, in Los Angeles, in the ring you're standing in right now, she is going to fire your ass! Fire you! Damn you to hell anyway, Steve Austin! Damn, you, straight, to, hell!!! You rotten bastard!

August 4

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Cut that music! Now Eric Bischoff may have made the main event at SummerSlam Triple H versus Goldberg no disqualification for the World title. Now I can't change that match, but, I can damn sure add to it.

Jerry Lawler: Uh-oh.

Austin: So this year, at SummerSlam, your main event will be Triple H versus Goldberg, [crowd chants "What?"] no disqualification, World title, but, also in the same match, will be Chris Jericho...

Lawler: What?

Austin: Kevin Nash...

Lawler: What?!

Austin: Randy Orton, and Shawn Michaels.

Lawler: Wow!

Austin: Because, the main event, the World title, will be defended, at SummerSlam, in an Elimination Chamber!

Lawler: Oh my gosh, Elimination Chamber match?!

September 29

Triple H: I'd like to start out by congratulating Bill Goldberg, the World Heavyweight Champion. Congratulations Bill. You've made it one week. Have you learned yet that it's a lot harder to stay on top than it is to get to the top? Have you realized yet that everybody is after you? Has the paranoia started to kick in, Bill? It should be, because you are walking around with a huge target around your waist, and everybody wants to take that World Heavyweight Championship. My World Heavyweight Championship. Now Goldberg, you've got a lot to learn as a champion. And not a lot of time to learn at it. Because very shortly, I will take back what is mine. But Goldberg, I'm gonna help you speed up the learning process. See, I was thinking to myself, God, could you imagine if I had a dollar for every time I heard somebody chant your name? You know, and then I thought to myself, I do. I do. And the thing about me Goldberg is, I'm a generous guy. I like to give. So I'm gonna take some of that money, and I am gonna use it to help you learn your own lesson. This is $100,000 of my own money. And I am offering it to anyone within the sound of my voice that takes out Bill Goldberg. All you have to do is put Goldberg on the shelf. I don't care where it is. It can be in a parking lot, it can be in a gas station, it can be in the back, it can be in the ring. I don't care who it is. Man, woman, makes no difference. You put Goldberg away, you get $100,000. Time to sit on the learning tree, Goldberg. You see, I told you last week, The Game was just starting. Looks to me like The Game just got a lot more interesting.

October 20

Kane: Now Shane, I know you're here, but don't come out. For once in your life, just listen, because I think that you will find what I'm about to say very interesting. Shane, this all started with your mother. She thought she could stop me. She thought she could control me. Just like everybody else throughout my life thought they could control me. But Linda found out differently when I grabbed her by the throat, and I looked into her eyes, and I saw pure fear. And then I hoisted her up on my shoulder, and she squirmed! She squirmed to get free, she SQUIRMED FOR HER VERY LIFE! And then she started to whimper and begged, no, no, no. But I learned a long time ago, that no really means yes.

Jim Ross: No means yes?

Kane: So, I drove her head into that steel, and I felt her body go limp as her vertebrae compressed and yet, FELT GOOD. 'Cause you see, inflicting pain turns me on. So now, you think you're gonna stop me Shane. A burning dumpster didn't stop me. Crashing me into a tractor trailer didn't stop me. Don't you get it? There is nothing that can stop me. But I'll give you one last chance. That last chance is at Survivor Series. But Shane, you won't stop me either, because there is nothing that I won't do to you. There is nothing I won't do to anybody. There is no line that I will not cross. There is no amount of suffering which I will not inflict in order for you to feel my pain. I won't hesitate to reach inside your guts to rip out your intestines, AND THEN TO JAM THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT! Shane, Survivor Series will be the end for you! But your pain, your pain has just begun.

December 8

[Raw co-general manager Mick Foley stands in the ring with a clipboard as the crowd chants his name]

Mick Foley: You know, when I took over as co-general manager of Raw, I did so with the intention of making things right. [the crowd cheers] Now if, at Armageddon, Ric Flair were to become involved in the Randy Orton-RVD match, well then that certainly would not be right. So I've decided that that matchup at Armageddon needs a special guest referee...

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Uh-oh.

Mick: ...and after consulting with myself for several hours I've decided that that special guest referee is going to be: me, Mick Foley.

Jerry: What?

Jim Ross: Oh, Mick!

[the crowd cheers]

Mick: Thank you. Now, another thing I'd like to make right, is the reinstatement to Raw of Stone Cold Steve Austin. [the crowd cheers louder]

Jim: He started that petition drive last week.

Mick: Last week, I brought out a petition; as of now, we have over half a million signatures saying, "We want Stone Cold back on Raw!" [the crowd keeps cheering]

Jim: It was on the Internet-

Mick: But we need more. So I brought out another petition, so that tonight, in Anaheim, California...

[suddenly he is interrupted by La Résistance's music, and René Duprée and Rob Conway make their way out to the ring, both brandishing French flags]

Jerry: Uh-oh, wait a minute.

Jim: La Résistance. And La Résistance, of course, were embarrassed and humiliated last week, being fired for a few minutes because, well, they - they didn't recite the Pledge of Allegiance for the flag of the United States of America!

Jerry: Well, René didn't. That was great, Mick Foley tried to make La Résistance say the Pledge of Allegiance. Well, they're killing Mick Foley's buzz here, what are they - what are they doing out here?

Jim: They earn their money in this country, why can't they...do the right thing? I mean - Conway's not French, he's a French sympathizer!

Jerry [as Conway takes a mic]: Speaking of the right thing, look at - look at Foley's shoes!

Rob: Hold on...you say you're out here to make things right? [the crowd starts a "USA" chant] You call humiliating us last week on live TV "making things right"?

René [taking the mic]: Well, you're not right! Look at you, Mick Foley, you're nothing but a joke! [to the crowd] And America is a joke as well!

[the crowd boos]

Jerry: Wait a minute.

René: You really think if the French would have gone to Iraq, we would not have found the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, the war would have been over!

Jim and Jerry: What?!

René: Because everybody knows that the French are not only better lovers...we are better fighters as well.

Jim: Come on!

Rob: You see, Mick, Eric Bischoff had assured us that our jobs are safe. So it's our turn to humiliate you, starting with you saluting the French flag...

[the crowd boos]

Jerry: Oh, come on!

Rob: ...right here, right now!

Jerry: Like, Eric Bischoff said their jobs are safe?

René: And if you don't, je te pitié, mon ami, we will intro you to a beating, French-style.

Mick: Wait a second, let me get this straight: you want me to salute the French flag, right here, right now? [looks to the crowd, who boos and tries to dissuade him]

Jerry: Let's make a bet on that!

Mick: Listen, wait-wait, you know...I have - I have nothing against French things. I-I like French fries...I like, I like French toast...

Jerry: Yeah!

Mick: I like, I even like French's mustard!

Jerry: Ah!

Mick: But I don't like you. [pointing his finger at Duprée and backing him into a corner] So if you think you're gonna beat the crap out of me, you go ahead, but I sure as hell am not gonna stand here in Anaheim, California - [the crowd cheers loudly] - of the United States of America, and salute that damn flag! You think you can beat the crap out of me, you bring it on now, but I'm not saluting the French flag!

René: Well, c'est la vie, Mick Foley! We have no problem with, how do you say, kicking your ass! [he and Conway drop their flags]

Mick: Bring it on! [both he and Duprée drop their mics]

Jerry: Uh-oh, look out now!

Jim [as La Résistance back Foley into a corner] : It's two-on-one here!

Jerry: There goes Mick's suit!

[suddenly, the Rock's music hits and the crowd begins to cheer]

Jim: What?

Jerry: What?!

Jim: WHAT? WHAT??

Jerry: What the hell is this, JR?!

Jim: What the hell is-

[The Rock comes out to a loud ovation]

Jerry: AAAHHH!!

Jim: My God! Oh my God, it's the Rock!!

Jerry: The Rock!!

Jim [as the Rock makes his way to the ring]: The Great One is here!! And he's all-American!

Jerry: The Rock!

Jim: My God, these fans are on their feet! We are live in Anaheim! This is electrifying!

Jerry: I - I can't believe what I'm seeing, JR! It's the Rock!

Jim: Mick Foley was about to be - about to be assaulted by La Résistance, these, these Frenchmen!

Jerry: Look at these fans!

Jim: The roar of this crowd, ladies and gentlemen, is just deafening here!

Jerry [as the Rock takes a mic]: JR, it's the Rock!

Jim: I can't...I can't believe what I'm seeing! [the music stops and the crowd does a "Rocky" chant before continuing cheering] Man, this is a Raw moment.

[after a moment of taking in the cheers, the Rock finally holds up his mic]

The Rock: Finally... The Rock has come back to Anaheim!

Jerry: Oh yes! It's the Rock!

The Rock: See, let the Rock clear something up, the Rock came out here tonight to surprise his friend Mick Foley; the Rock came out to surprise, the millions...

The crowd: And millions!

The Rock: ...of the Rock's fans...but see, the Rock is a little confused; he's confused, you see, because the Rock knows everybody here. The Rock knows Mick Foley, the Rock knows the people... [the crowd cheers loudly] ...the Rock knows Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross...

Jerry: Hey-hey!

The Rock: Yeah. Yeah. The Rock knows Lilian Garcia! [Lilian waves at the Rock] How you doing, honey?

Jerry: Uh-oh!

The Rock: You still like the strudel?

Jerry: Oh! [Lilian smiles sheepishly and the Rock laughs] How else does the Rock know Lilian?

[the crowd starts a "Rocky" chant again]

The Rock: The Rock knows every - [gesturing to the cameraman in the corner] - the Rock knows Marty, the cross-dressing cameraman right here, he knows him. [indicating the cameraman] Don't worry, your secret's safe with the Rock; you see, the Rock, the Rock doesn't know, the Rock doesn't know two people. The Rock doesn't know you two. So help the Rock. Tell the Rock, exactly, who in the blue hell are you two French popcorn farts anyway?

Jerry: Ahh!

The Rock [as Duprée starts to reply]: It doesn't matter who you are!! [the crowd cheers] You thi - you actually think the Rock gives a monkey's nutsack what Pepé Le Pew number 1 and number 2 have to say?

Jerry: Pepé Le Pew?!

The Rock: You come out here running your mouth, running your mouth to Mick Foley about how you're gonna beat him French-style? What the hell is that, what are you gonna do, French kiss him to death, is that what you're gonna do? Look at you two - the Rock knows, the Rock knows you two are little Fifi, anyway!

Jerry: Fifi??

Jim: What was that, "Fifi"?

[the crowd begins a "Fifi" chant]

Jerry: Fifi chant!

Jim: La Résistance didn't like that a bit.

The Rock: The Rock asks you, come out here running your French mouths, let the Rock ask you one question: how's your lips? [Duprée and Conway look confused]

Jerry: Lips?

The Rock: How's your lips?; how do you like your lips? You like 'em where they are?, because if you keep running your mouth, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna slap your lips right off your French faces! And there'll be two sets of lips laying right here, flopping around like fish, and, hold on a second, you're gonna - [talking without his lips] you're gonna be like that - [back to normal] and what the Rock is gonna do, the Rock and Mick Foley are gonna pick up your French lips, and make you kiss our American asses!

[the crowd cheers and starts another "USA" chant]

Jerry: JR, this is the greatest - look at the fun these fans are having!

Jim: This is Monday Night Raw, man, everybody's having a great time tonight!

The Rock: And let the Rock tell you one more thing -

René: No, no, no, no, no more "one thing", you listen to me, Rocky! [the crowd boos] You show us some respect, tout de suite! Because this Sunday at Armageddon, at the Tag Team Turmoil, Rocky, me and my partner Robért Conway are gonna become the new World Tag Team Champions. How do you like that, Rocky?

The Rock: First of all, Frenchy, I am not "Rocky"! The name, is the Rock! And - and here's another thing; oh, the Rock knows about Armageddon, the Rock is excited about Armageddon! Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah, yeah! But see, you two, you two candyasses, you're not gonna win the tag team titles, you know why? Number 1: you're French. Number 2: you suck, exactly.

Jerry: French and they suck! They would probably surrender before the match starts!

The Rock: And here's another thing: you actually had the nerve to say the French army went to Iraq, they would've found weapons of mass destruction, the war would've been over? That what you said? Well, let the Rock explain this, let me, the Ro-Rock explain this: you see, the French army would've went into Iraq, would've went to Russia, China, if the French army would've come right here to Orange County, the exact same thing - the exact same thing would've happened. The French general would've walked right up to the enemy and would've said this: [speaking in mock French accent] "Oh, we are so sorry! We are so sorry! Oh, don't hurt us, no-no-no-no-no, we so sorry! Oh, we make you crème brûlée! You like to pet our poodle?"

Jerry: Poodle?!

The Rock: See, so you understand, the only thing strong about the French army is their damn body odor.

Jim: Ooh!

The Rock: And I'll tell you what, you run your mouth, you wanna beat up on Mick Foley or try to beat on Mick Foley, two-on-one, well now, live on Raw, you can try and show us how tough you are, two-on-two!

Jim: Oh my, here we go!

Jerry: Here we go!

Jim: Now you're talkin'!

Mick: And mark my words, you don't wanna mess with the Sock & Rock Connection!

Jerry: Oh no, no - not that again, JR!

The Rock: You damn right, you bet your ass - [turning to Foley] what did you just say?

Mick: The Sock and Rock...

The Rock: No, no, no, no, Mick...thank you, it's the Rock and Sock Connection!

Jerry: Oh!

[Duprée and Conway begin attacking the Rock and Foley]

Jim: Oh, wait!

Jerry: Look at this!

Jim: La Résistance has heard all the talking! A cheap shot on the Rock! One on Foley! And here we go!

Jerry: These French guys are nuttier than I thought, I can't believe that they're doing this!

[Duprée and Conway throw the Rock over the top rope]

Jim: The Rock thrown over the top rope to the outside, and Mick Foley now trying to fight off two men; La Résistance hammering Mick Foley back to the corner! René...René Duprée and Rob Conway, stomping the hell out of Mick Foley!

Jerry: This is not right! These French are supposed to suck!

[The Rock comes back into the ring]

Jim: Bischoff gave these men permission to assault Foley, and here comes the Rock!

[The Rock clotheslines Conway, then turns his attention to Duprée]

Jerry: Look at this!

Jim [as the Rock chops on Duprée] : The Rock, opening up on right hands! [The Rock clotheslines Duprée over the top rope] The Brahma Bull just beheaded René Dupree!

Jerry [as the Rock then grabs Conway]: It's vintage Rock! Are you ready? [Conway gets hit with the Rock Bottom] Rock Bottom!

Jim: The Rock Bottom! [as Conway rolls out of the ring, Duprée comes back in and knocks down the Rock from behind] And up from behind! Duprée again! [Duprée does a little dance in the ring] And the arrogant, cocky young Frenchman!

Jerry: Oh, no!

Jim: What a stupid dance! [suddenly the Rock kips back up and stands behind Duprée] And the Rock is up!

Jerry: Look at this!

Jim [as the Rock goes back on the attack] Right hands by the Rock! And Duprée is reeling!

Jerry [as the Rock hits a big right hand in the corner]: Ohh!

Jim: Another big right hand, by the Brahma Bull!

[Foley is back up as he then puts Mr. Socko on his right hand]

Jerry: I bet the Rock is gonna -

Jim: Oh no!

Jerry: Aahhh!

[Foley gives Duprée the Mandible Claw with Mr. Socko on his hand]

Jim: Socko! Socko! [Foley pushes Duprée over to the Rock, who then hits him with a spinebuster] That Mandible Claw and the spinebuster slam!

Jerry: Whoa, wait a minute...are we gonna see it here one more time on Raw?

Jim: This huge crowd here in Anaheim -

Jerry: Yes! It's the most electrifying move in all of sports entertainment - [The Rock hits the People's Elbow on Duprée] - the People's Elbow!

Jim: The People's Elbow found its mark! The Rock & Sock Conne - oh, wait a minute! [Conway runs back into the ring, only to be hit with a spinebuster as well] Another spinebuster! It's not over yet!

Jerry: These French punks won't quit! [Foley is volunteering to the Rock to get the next hit] Oh, no, wait a minute! It's Foley's turn! Yeah, go ahead!

Jim: Well, they are the Rock & Sock Connection! Mick Foley...

Jerry [as Foley runs back and forth between the ropes]: It's the most awkward, unathletic-looking...

[Foley then hits Mr. Elbow on Conway, down low]

Jim: Oh, down there in the nether lands! Mick Foley dropped that elbow, it wasn't artistic, but it was effective!

[Foley pics the mic back up as Conway rolls back out of the ring in pain; the crowd does a "Rocky" chant]

Jerry: This is amazing!

Mick: You two clowns...you two clowns better run...if you smell, la, la, la, la -

[The Rock snatches the mic from Foley's hand as Lawler is chuckling audibly]

The Rock: The Rock's got a lot of love for you, Mick; don't you ever, and the Rock means ever, steal the Rock's catchphrases.

Jerry [as the Rock poses for his catchphrase]: This is the way you do it right here. It's patented, it's trademark!

The Rock: ...if you smeeellll, la-la-la-la-laowww, what the Rock is cooking! [drops the mic]

Jerry: Oh, yeah!

Jim [as the Rock and Foley pose for the crowd]: The Rock and Sock Connection, making their presence felt, on these arrogant and quite unprofessional La Résistance members!

Jerry: Boy, Monday Night Raw can certainly smell what the Rock is cook - can you believe it, JR? The Rock's on Raw!

Jim: And it's all live, before your very eyes; that's why Monday Night Raw is the flagship of the WWE! The Rock and Sock Connection, what a reunion tonight!

Jerry: Unbeliev - uh-oh.

[The Rock picks up Foley's clipboard from the canvas and proceeds to sign the petition before walking out]

Jim: And look at the Rock, he's signing that petition...

Jerry: Yes! To bring back Stone Cold Steve Austin!

Jim: The Rock signed the petition to bring back the Texas Rattlesnake! What a moment!

Jerry: What a night!

Jim: And this night is far from over! The Great One, the Rock, the Rock & Sock Connection! The Rock surprised all of us; what a shocker!

December 15

[Evolution is on the stage with all the championships they won at Armageddon the night prior]

Triple H: All along, I promised you that Evolution would change the face of sports entertainment. [crowd boos] Last night, at Armageddon, Evolution fulfilled that promise! Because in one night, in one clean sweep, we took all the gold. [looks at Randy Orton] Intercontinental Champion, [looks at Ric Flair and Batista] World Tag Team Champions, and World Heavyweight Champion. [raises World Heavyweight Championship] And Goldberg, all your fans, they all wanted to believe the hype. But let me explain to you like this: I'm Triple H, I am The Game, and with me, [laughs] with me, there is no hype necessary. Tonight, everybody learns to live under Evolution's golden rule. And that is, we have all the gold, so we make all the rules. [Evolution raises their respective championships]

2004

February 16

Stone Cold Steve Austin: It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.

Jerry Lawler: What?! What?!

Jim Ross: Oh my god!

Austin: Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

February 23

[Vince McMahon is choking Eric Bischoff outside the ring as Stone Cold Steve Austin watches]

Jim Ross: Hey wait, what the hell?!

Jerry Lawler: What? [Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin] Oh my god!

Ross: My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!

Lawler: Austin! Look behind you!

Ross: [Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders] Stone Cold up!

Lawler: Oh!

Ross: Lesnar! [Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin] Brock Lesnar from SmackDown! just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not SmackDown!, this is Raw!

Lawler: What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!

Ross: What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

March 15

Randy Orton: Mick Foley, yesterday, WrestleMania XX, Madison Square Garden, I beat you with an RKO. I proved to the entire world that I'm better than you. But I, I don't think your family, I don't think you quite believe that. You see, so, so what I'm gonna do, Mick, is challenge you to a one-on-one match. A one-on-one match, Mick, with Evolution banned from ringside. That way I can prove to you and your family that you're nothing but a loser. And how's it gonna feel Mick? How's it gonna feel when your little son Hughie, little, little cute Hughie grows up. Not with his father as a role model, but idolizing me?

April 12

Triple H: Was WrestleMania XX the biggest stage of them all? Some have said that it was the greatest match of all time. And now at Backlash, it'll become the greatest rematch of all time. The final encounter. Chris Benoit, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, for the World Heavyweight Championship. Three of the greatest of all time, all with something to prove. Benoit will try to prove to the world that he is more than just a one-hit wonder. Shawn Michaels will try to prove to the world that he is still the icon. And Triple H, I will prove that that World Heavyweight Championship still belongs to me. Guys, there is a reason that they call me The Game. There is only one diamond in this business, and you're looking at him.

---

Shawn Michaels: After the triple threat match at WrestleMania XX, people said it was the greatest match in WrestleMania history. And as I walked the streets, people said, "HBK! How are you gonna top that?" How are you gonna top that? I'm the showstopper. It's what I do! Always have and always will top that! Come Backlash, three guys believe honestly in their hearts that they're the best, the very best. But that can only be true for one of us. So now it's time to separate fact from fiction. Because only one of us can walk out the World Heavyweight Champion.

---

Chris Benoit: WrestleMania XX was definitely the biggest night of my career. The night I faced the World Champion, the night I faced two of the greatest wrestlers in the entire history of this business. The night I made Triple H tap out. Oh I heard it all, too. Chris, you'll never do it. Chris, you got lucky. Well, I don't believe in luck. I believe in hard work. Once you step into that ring, the only person that you can rely on is yourself. And at Backlash, it's gonna be about myself. It's gonna be about my hard work. It's gonna be about my title. And I will still walk away World Heavyweight Champion. And luck will have nothing to do with it.

May 24

[Eric Bischoff has had enough of Triple H and Shawn Michaels, who are being restrained by other wrestlers from mauling each other in the ring]

Eric Bischoff: That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. [Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]

Jerry Lawler: Well. look out! He's loose!

Jim Ross: Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.

Lawler: Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!

Bischoff: ENOUGH!! [everybody stops] At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!

Lawler: Oh boy!

Ross: Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

June 14

[Jim Ross brings together Triple H and Shawn Michaels after their Hell in a Cell match at Bad Blood]

Jim Ross: Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives.

Jerry Lawler: [on commentary as Triple H and Shawn get closer and JR distances] I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn [Shawn reaches out] You think this should happen? [Triple H moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]

July 19

Todd Grisham: Randy Orton, tonight is obviously one of the biggest nights of your career. For the first time in over seven months, you're coming off an Intercontinental Championship loss. How do you regain your --

Randy Orton: Whoa whoa, hold on just a second! Do you know who you're talking to? I am Randy Orton. Okay, still a member of Evolution. Still the Legend Killer. You wanna talk about losses, Todd? Have a look at the back of my T-shirt. [turns around]

Grisham: That, that's pretty impressive.

Orton: Well hell yeah, it's impressive! Foley, Stone Cold, HBK, they're all on there baby! I humiliated them all, okay? And the lucky win Edge had, that's all it was was luck. To me, Edge is a fluke. Okay? His first Intercontinental title reign was one day. Mine lasted seven entire months. Okay, tonight I'm gonna get my title back. I'm gonna do it in the middle of that ring, and I'm gonna prove to everybody -- [notices Edge standing by him] Can I help you?

Edge: No. But I did think you needed to know something. You see, I didn't come back after being out for over a year just to be a statistic on a Randy Orton T-shirt. I mean, it's a nice little T-shirt you got there. But uh, I've got something better to wear. [holds the Intercontinental Championship] I've got you figured out, Randy. I got you all figured out. You have some serious self-confidence issues. Yeah, I mean, you're like a little kid. You always need approval, but I get it. I feel your pain, Randy. You see, I'd have some confidence issues if my dad made his living being "Rowdy" Roddy Piper's personal bitch! And just think, if old Cowboy Bob had worn a condom instead of a cast all those years, we wouldn't even be having this conversation. See you in the ring, Randy.

Orton: Yeah, yeah, okay, say your piece. Sit, talk and run, Edge. That's right. That's right, tonight, when I get my title back, then you'll be my bitch.

August 2

Todd Grisham: Uh, Randy Orton, uh, first let me start off by saying--

Randy Orton: You know what Todd? Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in destiny? Well, I do. And I believe the reason that I lost the Intercontinental Championship to Edge last month, is because I am destined to become the youngest World Heavyweight Champion in history. Now I know what you're thinking. Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar defeated The Rock in 2002 at SummerSlam for the World title at the young age of 25. But at SummerSlam this year, Randy Orton will be a very young 24. And just think I'll have accomplished more at the age of 24 than most people accomplish in their entire life. Now Chris Benoit, he's the World Champion. He's the toughest, he is the best...right now. But you see, Todd, at SummerSlam this year, Chris Benoit's gonna be like Mick Foley, Harley Race, Shawn Michaels, and Stone Cold Steve Austin. They're all the same, all of that whole list, they've all been laid down by the Legend Killer. They've all been killed off by the hands of the Legend Killer. And the next, and youngest, World Heavyweight Champion, Randy Orton.

September 20

[Kane is standing outside of Lita's hospital room]

Todd Grisham: Kane, since that horrible accident last week, everyone's been concerned about the status of Lita and your baby.

Kane: Let's just say that, um, this hasn't been one of Lita's better days. The, um, doctors are doing everything that they can do, but now they're telling me that um, that there's only a 50-50 chance that they can save the baby.

Grisham: Uh, Kane, we, we also had the chance to interview your opponent from last week, Gene Snitsky. And, um.

Kane: Snitsky? [starts to breathe heavily in fury]

Grisham: Um, yes, and uh, he actually said that he didn't think the accident was his fault.

Kane: That was no accident. Snitsky hit me in the back with a steel chair while I was moving my pregnant wife out of the ring! Now what exactly did he expect to happen?! Now my wife is in that hospital bed with a 50-50 chance that our baby will live, and he says it's not his fault?! No matter what happens, Snitsky is a dead man.

---

Todd Grisham: Doctors, now that the emergency appears to be over, could you please just give us an update on Lita's condition?

Doctor: Sure. Um, Lita's in stable condition, she fought very hard, but, unfortunately, we lost the baby. Um, we did everything we could... [Kane walks out of the hospital room, breathing heavily. He is distraught over the news and hits a wall]

Kane: NO! NOOOOOOO! NOOOO! NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! NO! NOOOOOO!!!! [he walks into the hospital room and breaks down as Lita lays in the hospital bed, motionless]

October 11

Shawn Michaels: You ready?

Chris Benoit: Oh yeah.

Michaels: Look you know I've always tried to shoot straight with you. You and I, we're out there together again tonight, familiar waters for us. And I want you to know and I'm gonna be honest. Tonight, I'm gonna do what's best for me.

Benoit: What's - what's best for you? Sh - Shawn, what do you mean by that?

Michaels: Look, I'm gonna go out there tonight and I'm gonna do what I always do. Show the entire world why I'm the showstopper. I wanna make sure, come Taboo Tuesday, that I leave absolutely no doubt in anybody's mind that HBK should be the man they vote for to face Triple H for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Benoit: Well just so you know, I'm not gonna sit back and let you steal the spotlight. All right? You want a piece of Triple H, you're gonna have to pry me off of him, because tonight, I'm gonna show all the people what the Crippler can do, and come Taboo Tuesday, by making Triple H tap out in the middle of the ring. [Edge approaches Michaels and Benoit]

Michaels: Excuse me, you mind? We're - we're having a conversation.

Edge: Yeah yeah I noticed that. You know, thank you for including me in your discussion.

Michaels: Whoa whoa, now if I remember correctly, he and I, we're not really worthy of uh, getting another title shot against Triple H. I mean, that is what you said last week, wasn't it?

Edge: Yeah it is what I said. And I stand by it. You see, both of you, you've had your shots against Triple H. You've had your chances at the World title over and over and over again. But I haven't. I deserve the shot against Triple H at Taboo Tuesday. And tonight, I'm gonna prove it. See you out there boys.

Jim Ross: This is gonna get interesting.

October 25

Jim Ross: Well ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of all of us here at the WWE want to thank everyone for making Taboo Tuesday such a phenomenal success. In all the years I've had the privilege of broadcasting for you, I've never had as much fun and it was all because of your votes. Now ladies and gentlemen, we had hoped to have Edge here live tonight. Unfortunately he has refused to appear here in Des Moines live. However, he is joining us via satellite. [Edge appears on the Titantron] And Edge, I, I think the question is, is rather obvious. Would you mind explaining to our worldwide audience and the great folks here in Des Moines, Iowa, just exactly, well, how do you justify your actions at Taboo Tuesday?

Edge: Justify? That title was not Shawn Michaels' to win. That title was mine to win. Mine. You know, do I need to spell it out? Do I need to spell it out for you and all the people once again? Well I will. But it's for the last time. Here's the laundry list. I defeated Triple H in a tag team match two weeks before Taboo Tuesday. I defeated Chris Benoit and Shawn Michaels in a triple threat match the night before Taboo Tuesday. But I still didn't get voted in. Now once again, I got taken for granted and I thought about it, I thought, "Why is that?" Is it the sympathy factor? "Oh, poor Shawn Michaels. You're breaking my heart, Heartbreak Kid! Your poor knee." But you wanna talk about injuries? You wanna talk about personal hells? I came back after a year off because of a broken neck! I fought through it, I came back and what happened? I broke my hand. I fought through that! My foot, my groin, YOU NAME IT, I've done it! And I came back. Then what happened when I come back? Oh let's see, I go to my hometown of Toronto at SummerSlam, and the people boo me out of the building. Once again, taking me for granted. Well I'm sick of it, I'm fed up. So because of six percent, JR, six percent, my life changed. My life completely changed because of six tiny little percent. You know, you may ask yourself, why am I not there tonight? People take me for granted. They could have had me there tonight. I could have been standing in the middle of that ring holding the World Heavyweight Championship above my head, and they would've seen me. But I figured it out. They don't deserve to see me. And they'll see me back on Raw when I'm damn good and ready.

November 1

Ric Flair: What happened to Tajiri is just the beginning. Last week, I repeat, LAST WEEK was unacceptable. Whether you like him or don't like him, you all need to respect Triple H. [crowd boos] He, he is your World Champion. He is the leader of Evolution. And Eric Bischoff, either you restore order with Raw or Dave Batista and I, and I repeat, we will walk back there and destroy the entire locker room!

Jerry Lawler: Uh oh! [Eric Bischoff's music hits]

Flair: I mean... [Eric Bischoff comes out]

Lawler: Uh-oh well, when Evolution speaks, people listen.

Jim Ross: Well there's our general manager Eric Bischoff.

Lawler: Oh look at that haircut.

Eric Bischoff: Flair, I am here for two reasons. Business and personal. On the business side of things, with Survivor Series being just two weeks away, I want to announce the Raw side of the card. [crowd chants "asshole"]

Lawler: Oh no.

Ross: Haircut or not, here's what we hear from Bischoff.

Bischoff: For the Intercontinental title, it'll be Christian versus Shelton Benjamin. For the Women's title, it'll be Trish Stratus, finally, versus Lita. [crowd cheers] And in the main event, it's going to be a classic Survivor Series elimination match. On one team, you're gonna have Chris Jericho... [crowd cheers]

Lawler: Uh-oh.

Bischoff: Chris Benoit... [crowd cheers]

Lawler: Oh boy.

Bischoff: Maven...and Randy Orton.

Lawler: Wow.

Bischoff: And that team will be facing Triple H...[crowd boos] Batista...[crowd boos] Edge...[crowd boos] and Gene Snitsky!

Lawler: Snitsky?

Flair: Did you leave my name out of there by mistake?

Bischoff: No Ric. I simply didn't announce your name because you're not on that team. See Ric, this brings me to the uh, to the personal part. All right? You may not have liked the way things have been downhill last week, but I did. Which is why from now on, unless there's a specific match that I wanna see, for example, like my nephew Eugene getting totally decimated by Gene Snitsky, well then I'm gonna continue to let the uh, inmates run the asylum. You see, Ric, you come out here and you order me to do something about what happened last week, and, and normally I would. But a couple weeks ago at Taboo Tuesday, as I was sitting in that chair getting my head shaved, I kept asking myself, where's Evolution? Where is Evolution? The answer was nowhere. Let me take it a step further, Ric. Tell me exactly what kissing Evolution's ass for the last two and a half years has gotten me? Absolutely nothing. Which is why from now on, I answer to no one but me. And it's also why, after Survivor Series, I decided to give myself a one-month vacation. But there's a catch. See the winning team at Survivor Series is gonna win a lot more than a match. They're gonna win absolute control. Because each week in my absence, control of Raw is going to go to the individuals on the winning team from Survivor Series. And they can make any match they want, no questions asked.

Batista: Whoa whoa whoa. Bischoff, now if Maven, Jericho and Benoit were in charge of Raw, all they would do is make championship matches for themselves against Triple H. Now, Randy Orton is unable to do that because of his loss to a very famous man, woo! But he will stop at nothing to make sure that title is stolen from Triple H so he can get his little championship match. So I strongly [takes his sunglasses off] and I mean strongly suggest that you reconsider that stipulation.

Bischoff: Is that a threat?

Batista: It's whatever you want it to be.

Bischoff: Well I strongly suggest that you concentrate, if I were you, on making sure your team is the winning team at Survivor Series, because I got news for you. Triple H may say, that without him, Raw is nothing. Well I say, without that World title, Triple H is nothing.

November 22

[Shelton Benjamin is in the locker room]

Shelton Benjamin: Trish! [sees Trish Stratus in a towel combing her hair]

Trish Stratus: Hey Shelton.

Benjamin: What are you doing here?

Stratus: Oh me? I was just taking a long, hot shower. And where you off to, looking so pretty?

Benjamin: Monday Night Raw? I got a six-man tag match. William and Eugene need me.

Stratus: But what about my needs? What about Trish?

Benjamin: Oh sugar. Don't worry. You'll find somebody else. I mean, you are the biggest slut on Raw.

Stratus: [scoffs] You're so uptight. You need to loosen up. And I'm just toweling.

Vince McMahon: What the hell's going on here?! [sees Benjamin and Stratus and is shocked] It's a woman in a towel. I mean, this is unconscionable. Th - this is scandalous. I, I can see the, the moral fabric of America disintegrating right before my very eyes. The sexual overtones, the, the racial overtones.

Benjamin: Excuse me?

McMahon: Well Shelton, you, you may not realize this but, you're an African-American. And everybody knows African-Americans are attracted to Canadian white women with broken noses. [Stratus adjusts her face mask] No. I'm sorry, but the FCC is not gonna tolerate this, and neither will I. I mean, I'm not gonna have a locker room full of miscreants and deviants. This is the WWE. This is NOT the NFL. And it damn sure is not the NBA. Because of this kind of sexual titillation that will send you and other professional wrestlers up into the stands to, to attack the audience! And if that would've happened, that would be the downfall of civilization as we know it.

Benjamin: You know what? You really need to lighten up. [walks out]

McMahon: But I have a board of directors to answer to. Someone has to uphold the, the, the, the virtue. Is he gone?

Stratus: Yep. [drops her towel as the "Monday Night Football" theme plays]

McMahon: Oh my God. [Stratus jumps into McMahon's arms] Oh, oh yeah. Are you ready for some wrestling?

December 13

[Eric Bischoff is making a decision regarding the vacant World Heavyweight Championship]

Eric Bischoff: Triple H, I asked you to come down to the ring alone.

Triple H: It's all right. It's okay Eric. Evolution and I are one of the same. Evolution is a part of me. When Evolution succeeds, I succeed, and vice versa. It doesn't matter, Eric, whether it's Batista, whether it's the Nature Boy, or whether it's The Game. Together, we have more wins than both of these guys combined and above all else, Eric, the World Heavyweight Champion should be a winner. So, I just think the choice is, is pretty obvious for you, Eric.

Bischoff: Interesting. That's a, uh, that's a different approach to the one you had in my office a few moments ago. Well let's talk about my choices. My first choice tonight was Chris Benoit's option. To have a rematch with the Triple Threat match tonight.

Jerry Lawler: Well that's what the fans want.

Bischoff: Well I thought about that and I decided that that's just not what I wanted to do. And then Edge. Edge gave me a choice. He wanted me to just hand the belt over. But you know what, from a purely business point of view, that would be just too risky, given that you've never held the title before. Which brings me to my third choice. Now Triple H, you say that a win for Evolution is a win for you, right? Well I'm gonna put that theory to the test. On January 9, 2005, we're gonna have a pay-per-view called New Year's Revolution. And at New Year's Revolution, we're gonna have a match that's a proven commodity. A match that will prove without a shadow of a doubt, who deserves to be the World Heavyweight Champion. It's something that I like to call...the Elimination Chamber!

Jim Ross: Oh my god!

Bischoff: The World title will remain vacant until New Year's Revolution, when we have one of, if not, the biggest championship matches in Raw‍'‍s history. And it's going to feature...Chris Benoit...Edge...Triple H...Y2J, Chris Jericho!

Lawler: Chris Jericho?! Wh -

Bischoff: And Evolution's own, Batista!

Ross: WHAT?!

Lawler: Batista?!

Bischoff: And last but not least, RANDY ORTON!

Ross: Oh my -

Lawler: Wait a minute!

Ross: Orton back in the hunt!

December 27

Eric Bischoff: Hold on! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Without any further ado, allow me to introduce the special referee for the Elimination Chamber match at New Year's Revolution, the one, the only, HBK! HEARTBREAK KID! [crowd cheers as Edge reacts angrily]

Jim Ross: Shawn Michaels! Look at the! [Shawn Michaels comes out] THERE HE IS!

Jerry Lawler: He's back! [Triple H is in shock and disbelief]

Ross: No one's gonna like this decision! Not one man in the Elimination Chamber is gonna like this at all!

Lawler: You're right. You can see it on the faces of Batista, of Benoit, of Edge, of Jericho, and especially Triple H.

Ross: Triple H can't believe it. Oh my God, what an Elimination Chamber it's gonna be! Six men, but only one can survive! And there is your law and order.

2005

January 3

Jonathan Coachman: Tonight, we have already seen Batista defeat Chris Benoit, Edge take out Chris Jericho. The question is, will Randy Orton beat Triple H?

Randy Orton: Tonight Coach, tonight Coach, tonight's the first chance that I've had to face Triple H one-on-one on Raw since I lost the World Heavyweight Championship. The same championship that I will regain this Sunday at the Elimination Chamber. Now, 2004, in 2004, Triple H took everything I had away from me. And now I'm gonna return the favor. In 2005, I'll take everything that Triple H has away from him. And it all starts tonight. When I beat you Triple H, 1-2-3, with an RKO.

February 21

Triple H: Can you believe this?

Ric Flair: No.

Triple H: It's supposed to be the biggest night in Batista's career. It's supposed to be the biggest night in the history of Evolution, Ric. This is the first night, this is where it all happens. You and I are gonna run this business, and it all starts tonight. After everything we've done for him, and tonight of all nights, he has the guts to be over two hours late?

Ric: Champ, you have bent over backwards for him! You created Batista! You made him! You put him in a position to make a huge amount of impact on this industry! You did it!

Triple H: I've done more than you even know.

Ric: You have?

Triple H: Yeah.

Ric: Like what? Stuff I don't know?

Triple H: You know how hard it is to get footage from SmackDown! of JBL and Big Show, and get it put into Raw? It's not easy. And do you know how hard it is to find a white limousine and get those stupid big horns put on the front to make Dave think that JBL was trying to run him over?

Ric: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you orchestrated that last week, the limousine almost running over Dave?

Triple H: Hey, relax, relax, hold on. Now, it's not like I was trying to have him killed. I was just trying to light a fire under him, for his own good. Listen, sometimes, Dave is not smart enough to know what's good for him. Just trying to ensure that he made the right decision tonight [Ric's jaw drops] and went to SmackDown!.

Ric: Oh...my...God, there have been times when I thought you were a genius, I've even told people you were a genius, but now, I know you're a genius! God, that's the greatest thing I've ever heard in my life! You know that?! Oh my God, WOO! WOO! No wonder they call you the Cerebral Assassin! Champ, that's the greatest move I've ever seen, and I've been around a long time.

Triple H: Ric! Yeah, it's a great plan, but it's all for nothing if the big idiot gets here tonight and decides to be selfish and stay on Raw. Batista needs to do what's right for Evolution. What's right for Evolution is right for Batista, and what's right for Batista is for him to go to SmackDown!. [Camera begins pulling back] Now, when he gets here, we need to make sure...

Ric: You are clever beyond the word "clever." You are a gen... You may be the most intelligent human being I've ever met in my life.

[As Ric speaks, it is revealed that Batista has been listening outside the door]

---

Eric Bischoff: Batista, before you...you make any decisions, there's a couple things I want to say. By signing this contract, two things are going to happen. First and foremost, you remain with Raw, the flagship program, the #1 brand in all of sports entertainments, and the brand that made you a superstar. Raw is a brand that'll give your career stability, because unlike other general managers [looks at Theodore Long], my job is not in jeopardy. But more importantly, by signing this contract, it means that you'll face Triple H one-on-one for the Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania! It's the dream of every superstar in our business, to face Triple H, a man who is arguably one of the biggest names in the history of our industry. A man that, even the Nature Boy, he says it best. Ric Flair says it best: to be the man, you gotta beat that man, Triple H! [Triple H shakes his head at Batista] And this is your opportunity. So Batista, this isn't really a question. It's a simple thing. Sign the contract, reach your dreams.

Theodore Long: Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a minute. Just a minute. Now, Batista, actually, there is a choice. Now, you can sign this contract and come to SmackDown!. Now, we all... You can't tell me that you didn't feel the electricity when you walked out on No Way Out last night. Now, we all saw what you could do to the WWE Champion, JBL. We also saw the magic when you stared John Cena in the eye.

Now think about this, Batista. John Cena, Batista, the two hottest commodities in the WWE on the same show. In fact, you two could start your own rivalry. It could be the biggest rivalry since Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock. Now, not only is it JBL and John Cena waiting for you at SmackDown!, it's Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle. And think about this: one day, it could be Batista one-on-one with the Undertaker!

But you know something, player? In order for this to happen, you have to sign this contract. Now, you beat JBL, you beat John Cena in a Triple Threat Match at WrestleMania 21, and I assure you that your career will blow up on SmackDown!. Now, it's time for you to make that decision, player.

[Theodore hands the contract to Batista, who now holds both. He grabs the pen on the SmackDown! contract]

Triple H: Dave, this shouldn't be a very difficult decision for you, 'cause there's really only one person that you need to listen to. See, because it's not [looks at Eric] what's best for Raw, [turns to Theodore] and it's not about what's best for SmackDown!. It's about one thing, big man. It's about what's best for you. It's about what's best for Batista, man. And I don't want you to worry about Ric and myself, 'cause hey, what's best for Batista will be best for Evolution.

I want you to picture something, Dave. Imagine this. It's WrestleMania 21, it's all said and done, and I'm standing in the middle of this ring still the World Heavyweight Champion, and standing right next to me is the new WWE Champion, Batista. Think about it, Dave. We would rule the world. We would answer to no one, man. Everything we ever dreamed of. You know how big that is?

Think about it like this. It's 1986, the Four Horsemen are running wild, Ric Flair is the NWA Champion! But what if...what if Arn Anderson were the WWE Champion, huh? They would've been unstoppable. But it never happened.

Think about it like this. DX in our prime, on top of our game, Shawn Michaels is the WWE Champion! What if I had been the WCW Champion? We could have written history. You see that, Dave? But it never happened. You and I, you and I have an opportunity to make history, and we owe it to ourselves to do it.

Now, Dave, I don't want you to be concerned about Bradshaw, I don't want you to be concerned about Cena, because I know deep inside of my heart, you could beat both those guys at the same time like that. You see, Dave, we have an opportunity to do the greatest thing that has ever been done in this industry. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to the world, you and I, to walk that aisle with the "Nature Boy" Ric Flair, side-by-side, owning this business.

Doesn't seem like a difficult decision to me at all, Dave. It really doesn't. And I've got a feeling...you know what you want to do, big man. Don't you? You know what you want to do.

Batista: Hunter, I've known what I was gonna do for a long time.

[Batista looks at the contracts and throws the Raw contract to the ground. Eric lowers his head in sadness. Triple H and Ric cheer Batista, giving him thumbs up. Batista gives one right back, then slowly turns it down. He attacks both, tossing Ric out of the ring]

Jim Ross: Ooh, Batista!

Jerry: What is he doing?!

Jim Ross: My god, Batista, the thumbs-down to the world's champion! Evolution's Animal!

Jerry He almost took Triple H's head off, and he's dumped Naitch out of the ring! Wait a minute! [Batista sets Triple H up...] Wait a minute, Batista, what are you doing?! If you do this, there's no turning back! No!

[Batista powerbombs Triple H through the table]

Jim Ross: Oh my God Almighty! What a big powerbomb through the table! The world's champion through the table!

[Batista picks up the Raw contract and signs it over Triple H's prone body]

Batista: Hunter, I'm staying right here on Raw, and at WrestleMania, I'm taking the World Championship... [tosses contract clipboard at HHH] from you!

Jim Ross: Well, the deal is done. The untamed spirit of the animal known as Batista has made his decision. Batista will stay on Raw, and Batista will go to WrestleMania 21. And if the deal is set and granted, Batista will come for the world's title against The Game, and it's gonna happen at WrestleMania 21.

February 28

Chris Jericho: I came out here with an agenda tonight, to make a statement. And the reason is that WrestleMania 21 is less than five weeks away. We've already announced some of the biggest matches in Mania history. From Batista vs. Triple H for the World Championship, from Cena to JBL for the WWE Championship, Michaels has challenged Angle, Hogan's in the Hall of Fame, Stone Cold Steve Austin on Piper's Pit. Everybody wants to make an impact, so do I; everybody wants to be a part of history, so do I. I have an idea for a match to do that. It's a match that involves Y2J, five other elite WWE Superstars, a chance of a lifetime, and most importantly, one very big solid steel ladder.

April 4

Randy Orton: It wasn't...it wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen like it did. I came this close to making history. This close to beating The Undertaker at WrestleMania. Hell, he. he picked me up for that chokeslam, I turned it into an RKO, and when that wasn't enough, I figured I'd beat him at his own game. I'd beat him with his own patented move, I picked him up for that Tombstone Piledriver, and before breaking his neck, something happened. Something happened but, my shoulder, my left shoulder, I, I heard a snap. [crowd boos] I lost some feeling in my left arm, and next thing I knew I was looking at the bright lights. I mean, I don't know what's wrong, the doctor wasn't sure what's wrong. If my shoulder didn't give out last night, I would have beat The Undertaker! [crowd boos] But it got worse. 'Cause when I was backstage, and the doctor was tending to my injured shoulder, I looked up at the television. I looked up at the TV monitor and what I saw made me sick to my stomach! I was the new World Champion, Batista. [crowd cheers] Now let me make one thing perfectly clear. When I was messing with The Undertaker, I respected him. Even though I despise Triple H, I respect him. I have no respect whatsoever for Batista! [crowd boos] Everybody knows that when Evolution was formed, it was me. I was the future! Hell I still am. I was the bright and shining star, I was the project, the diamond in the rough. Everybody knows it. Hell, me and Flair and Triple H, we'd laugh at Batista, we'd crack jokes, we'd make fun of him. He was so far behind, they told me to slow down, they'd say "Randy, you're light years ahead of Batista. Let him catch up." It was a running joke. The Animal. Ha! [crowd chants "Batista"] Chant his name! Go ahead, chant his name! But let me tell you one thing right now. This year alone, I've beaten him not once, but twice. I pinned him in this very ring. So I know what I gotta do to get the bitterness out of my mind, to get that loss out of my mind from last night from The Undertaker. I need to beat Batista RIGHT HERE TONIGHT! [Eric Bischoff's music hits]

Jerry Lawler: What'd you think about that, JR? Those are some strong words from Randy Orton, huh? [Eric Bischoff comes out]

Eric Bischoff: Randy, as far as World title matches are concerned, I think earlier tonight, we heard what Triple H has in mind with his rematch clause. And even if he hasn't, Edge, hell you were there when --

Orton: [over Bischoff] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, listen to me Eric! I don't care what you gotta do. I want Batista in this ring tonight! You hear me?! TONIGHT!

Bischoff: You want it so damn bad? Then tonight, it's going to be Randy Orton one on one with the new World Champion, Batista!

May 16

[Jonathan Coachman and Eric Bischoff have just shut down Chris Benoit and Tajiri's ECW Rules match]

Jonathan Coachman: Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.

[Eric Bischoff's music hits and Eric Bischoff shows up]

Eric Bischoff: Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! [audience boos] Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from Raw. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from Raw. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

May 23

Jim Ross: We're back here live at Green Bay on Monday Night RAW, the ECW Funeral.

Jerry Lawler: Take it off. Take your hat off, JR, it's a funeral, for Chrissakes!

June 27

Kurt Angle: At WrestleMania 21, I made Shawn Michaels tap.

Jonathan Coachman: True enough.

Angle: Last night at Vengeance, well, Shawn got lucky. So I guess this series 1 to 1, and I bet my bottom dollar that each and every one of you would love to see round three of Kurt Angle versus Shawn Michaels right here tonight!

Coachman: I know I would!

Jerry Lawler: Oh man.

Jim Ross: Obviously a great match. I'd love to see it.

Lawler: Here tonight? Yes!

Angle: Well it's not gonna happen. [crowd boos] You see, I beat Shawn Michaels at the biggest show of all, WrestleMania 21. I made him tap, that counts twice. So as far as I'm concerned, Shawn and I, we're through. No, I'm here, I'm here for another man. Batista. [crowd cheers]

Coachman: Wow.

Ross: That would be the World Heavyweight Champion.

Angle: Last week, I didn't get a chance to beat Batista because surprise, surprise, Triple H had to stick his big nose where it doesn't belong in my business and ruin my match. So I'm gonna make this very, very clear, Batista. I've beaten everyone in this business that there is to beat. I am the man around here. And there's not a person alive that can say otherwise. So Batista, I want you to come out -- [Ric Flair's music hits]

Ross: What the hell?

Lawler: Whoa ho! [Ric Flair comes out]

Ross: Kurt Angle looking on in disbelief.

Lawler: It's Naitch!

Ross: The Nature Boy, Ric Flair.

Lawler: Stylin' and profilin'!

Ross: Well this obviously is not what Kurt Angle had on his mind.

Lawler: Oh it doesn't appear that Kurt Angle is, is too happy to see the Nature Boy.

Coachman: Well obviously Kurt Angle wanted to see Batista, not Ric Flair. But I'm always happy to see the Naitch. You know that King. [Ric Flair enters] Oh ho yeah. Nobody is smoother, I love the strut, I love everything about the stylin' and profilin' of Ric Flair.

Angle: Ric what the hell are you doing out here? What? Triple H is gonna come down here, battle for 20 minutes, you're gonna stand behind him and smile? What's the deal, what the hell are you out here for?

Ric Flair: The deal is, Kurt Angle, I wanna shake your hand. I wanna shake your hand. I came out here 'cause I wanna reinforce every word you just said. Did you read my book man? You stay healthy, you can be the greatest of all time. Coming for me brother, that's a big time compliment. You're an Olympic gold medalist, hell, my son is a great amateur wrestler. I want my son to grow up to be like you, not me. Yeah. I would like my son to be as good as you are. Okay? As a matter of fact, I'm gonna say something the whole world, I hate saying this, I'm a mark for you, Kurt Angle. I'm a mark. Yeah. I think you're that good. You've gotten so great, so fast, so quick. It's unbelievable. But saying you're the man? Uh, I don't think so. I still gotta go with Triple H. Yeah yeah.

Angle: Whoa whoa. I know where this is going. Triple H. I know what you're trying to do Ric. You're trying to come out here, get Triple H a rematch with Batista, well guess what. Batista beat him three times. One, two, three strikes, you're out!

Flair: Actually, I don't have to talk to Triple H. He's the greatest wrestlers alive today. The reason he's not here, you know why, Hell in the Cell last night, one of the greatest matches ever. He's got thirty stitches, spinebustered on steel stairs, cracked rib, he's physically and emotionally unable to be here tonight. But let me assure you of this. He and Batista categorized themselves last night as great.

Angle: Uh Ric, you're looking at great. You're looking at the best in the business. So why don't you do yourself a favor? Why don't you take yourself to the back, drink your Ensure, take a nap, and get out of this ring before you get hurt?

Flair: Have you ever crashed in an airplane? That's what I call getting hurt. And let me tell you something else, you had a great match last night with HBK. Got two of the greatest of all time! It was phenomenal! But you shoot on me, I crotch the most single fireman's carry, I'm gonna put my finger through your eye! And if you put a hold on me I can't come out of, I'm gonna bite your finger off. And you what, if you're as tough as I think you are, this don't hurt, I'm gonna grab you by the testicles and I'm gonna pull! [takes off his suit jacket] Yeah! I'm gonna hurt you if you screw with me!

Angle: All right all right, you've proven that you're the dirtiest player in the game, I get it Ric, okay?

Flair: [talking over Angle] Exactly!

Angle: I get it.

Flair: Forget about it! I love the theory of being called the man. The one thing to never take away from me is being the dirtiest player in the game.

Angle: I'll tell you what. I've heard enough, okay? I tried to be nice, but if you're not careful, I'm gonna go back to Eric Bischoff, and I'm gonna ask him for a match against you. And that's something, Ric Flair, I don't care what you've done in your life, you do not want.

Flair: Eric Bischoff, HELL, Vince McMahon is sitting home right now, drooling! It's Kurt Angle, it's Ric Flair, it's Raw!

Angle: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa, I see what you want. You want it, you got it. For the first time ever, one on one, right here tonight! It's gonna be Kurt Angle versus the Nature Boy, Ric Flair! Woo!

Flair: Woo!

Angle: Woo!

Flair: Woo!

Angle: Woo! Woo!

Flair: Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Ross: We're having a woo-fest!

July 11

[Matt Hardy has attacked Edge, forcing security to pull them apart]

Matt Hardy: Adam! You bastard! I'm gonna make you life miserable! And Lita, you whore, I'm gonna make your life miserable too! And the WWE can kiss my ass! [a security officer tackles Hardy] I'll see you at Ring of Honor! ROH!

August 1

Mr. McMahon: Well tonight, tonight is a very special edition of Monday Night Raw. I remember so many years ago, the very first edition of Raw was held in the Manhattan Center in New York City so many years ago in front of a capacity crowd of 1200 people. Tonight, we celebrate our 636th edition of Monday Night Raw.

Jerry Lawler: Amazing.

McMahon: That is a record, that is a milestone surpassing any weekly entertainment television program in history.

Lawler: How about that?

McMahon: We surpassed the likes of Gunsmoke, Lassie, Seinfeld, uh, Simpsons, Happy Days, you name it. We surpassed them all, and we're emanating live tonight all over the world from the sold out Mohegan Sun Arena. [crowd cheers] And perhaps the classy thing for me to do right now would be to thank WWE fans from the bottom of my heart all over the world for making this possible, for helping us achieve this milestone. But uh, rather than that, I would like to thank the one individual, ladies and gentlemen, whose vision it is, who led us to tonight. The one individual, who architectually built this promotional juggernaut, Raw, into something that will succeed generation after generation after generation, I would like to thank Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Jonathan Coachman: Now we're talking.

Lawler: Now we can stand up and give a standing ovation!

Coachman: There you go.

McMahon: It's all right to thank yourself every now and then. It actually feels pretty good. One thing I can pat myself on the back again for is that uh, I don't allow my ego, as huge as it is, I don't allow my ego to get in the way of making good business decisions. Because that's why we're here tonight, I've made good business decisions, and I've made them for WWE fans. I mean, let's face it, why else would I bring back superstar after superstar, bring them back after they've stabbed me in the back? Because it's good business. Why would I, why would I bring a son of a bitch like Eric Bischoff from WCW back as general manager of Raw? Unpopular as it may be, good business. Why would I take a brand that was dead and buried, ECW, bring it back, rejuvenate it, give it life? Because it's good business, that's why. So tonight, tonight I'm making another good business decision, or at least I think so. It's a business decision nobody knows about, including Eric Bischoff. It's a decision involving an individual who was formerly a WWE superstar. He's been on the outside looking in, he's been wreaking havoc, ladies and gentlemen, in our arena, in our backstage area, he's been building fires all over the WWE. And you know me, when I see a fire, I just have to pour gasoline on it. I can't help myself. So without any further ado, allow me to introduce you to the man who was recently signed by me to come back to action. This man will see individual competition at SummerSlam against his opponent, Edge. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Matt Hardy!

Jim Ross: Wow!

Coachman: Ho ho!

Ross: Matt Hardy was in Mr. McMahon's limo! [Matt Hardy's music hits and Matt Hardy exits a limosuine]

Lawler: Finally we can talk about him being here!

Ross: Matt Hardy is rejoining, officially rejoining, the Raw roster! And Matt Hardy and Edge, of course Edge not here tonight, he's at home caring for Lita.

Coachman: Well it's a good thing for Edge that he's not here tonight. And Matt Hardy looks ready, he's looked ready the last three weeks.

Lawler: Well Lita, and like you said, at home bedridden with a sprained neck and a concussion, but I understand that Edge has a pretty good bedside manner when it comes to taking care of Lita.

Ross: This is quite a coup for Mr. McMahon and you gotta wonder how Eric Bischoff feels. [Hardy comes out] And listen to the ovation! A huge ovation for the returning Matt Hardy.

Coachman: Well I would have to agree with Mr. McMahon. This is good business, and this is just funny good stuff. [Hardy shakes McMahon's hand and McMahon hands the microphone to Hardy]

Ross: Mr. McMahon giving a live mic to Matt Hardy. These emotions.

Lawler: It could be very dangerous.

Matt Hardy: Well I guess I should thank Vince McMahon for officially bringing me back to Raw. But actually, Vince McMahon didn't bring me back to Raw. The people, each and every one of you, brought me back to Raw! And unlike Vince McMahon, I do thank all of you! And for any of you that may not know my story, I wanna catch everyone up to speed.

Lawler: Uh-oh.

Hardy: I was involved in a six-year relationship with Amy Dumas, better known as Lita. And although Lita was "married" to Kane on TV, Amy Dumas came home every night to me. While I was out of action with a serious knee injury, I discovered that Amy was having an affair with Adam Copeland, better known as Edge. A guy who was supposedly one of my closest friends on this planet. Once the story broke and became public, my world turned upside down. You guys know the deal, and each and every one of you let Lita, you let Edge, you let the WWE know how you felt! And I'll never forget sitting at home on my couch watching Raw from Madison Square Garden. There were over 20,000 people, and they were chanting "We want Matt!" [crowd chants "we want Matt"] And "You screwed Matt!" And it was on that very day, that is when the Matt Hardy movement began. And from that point on, I took matters into my own hands. But now, Matt Hardy is back! [crowd cheers] And Edge, you ruined my dream of one day having a family. You destroyed my dream of one day having children. And you came this close, THIS CLOSE, to destroying my dream of being a WWE superstar, something that I have worked my entire life for. And Edge, now you're mad. You're upset because your personal life is miserable, well that's terrible. Because if you can live through this ordeal I am gonna put you through, your personal life and professional life will be so miserable that you'll wish you were dead. And the only thing that would make me more happy than permanently injuring you Edge, or ending your career, is if you were killed in a car accident before I had the chance. So when we step into the ring at SummerSlam, it's kill or be killed Adam, and Matt Hardy will not die!

August 8

Jim Ross: What do you think about Mr. McMahon rehiring Matt Hardy?

Edge: JR, what do I think about Vince McMahon's decision, Mr. McMahon's decision to rehire Matt Hardy? You know what? I think it's genius. Yeah. It's a moneymaking match. Here's a little known fact, though. You see, I actually went to Vince and I asked him to rehire Matt. Yeah. You see, because, with what I want to do to Matt Hardy, if I did that on the streets, what I'm gonna do at SummerSlam, I'd be in jail. You see, at SummerSlam, you're gonna witness legalized assault. Which is why I resent us being sequestered into this dressing room. You know, Matt Hardy has been re-signed to Raw and the lunatic is running around. Well, he's the one out of control, not me. But that's fine, that's cool, and Eric Bischoff wants to put security guards on the door, to protect us. We don't need the protection, he does! So I'm gonna ask them to leave, I want them to go. Yeah. I want them to get out of here, because Matt, I'm begging, I'm PLEADING, I want you to come in here. Come into the dressing room, come on BARGING in. Because you know what'll happen? You'll probably [mockingly] break down and have yourself a little cry, won't you Matt?

You see, I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was PATHETIC! It was absolutely pathetic, after all the months of dragging our names through the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see, AND THAT'S ALL YOU CAN MUSTER UP FROM YOUR STOMACH, FROM YOUR GUTS?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate, it's from real emotion, Matt! [Points at his eyes] This is passion, this is intensity! This is real!

I see why Lita left you for me. You know, you said last week you wanted me to get into a car accident. You see, for me, it's the opposite. I want you to be nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and you strap that seat belt in tight. I want you 100%. Because at SummerSlam, I'm going to prove that you don't measure up to me as a man to me in any way. In any way. You whined and complained, and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here, I figured it out. You see, nobody comes before Matt Hardy and his "wrestling legacy." I heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1.

So with that being said, Matt, you should thank me. It sounds strange, but you should thank me. You see, you've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now, and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see, when you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me, I was fighting Kurt Angle. Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, I EARNED MY MAIN EVENT STRIPES! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. Yeah. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight, it's shining on ya! Your 15 minutes in the spotlight, it's shining on ya, and I know it feels good. Well, we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away. And at SummerSlam, Matt, I end it. Now I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does.

August 15

Shawn Michaels: Who's your daddy, Montreal? [crowd boos and then chants "you screwed Bret"] Well since all of you have been so respectful to me, I would like to return in kind. [singing] Mi mi mi mi...O Canada, how I hate this place, O Canada, I'm gonna kick Hulk Hogan right in the face...all right. I'll admit it. I'll admit I'm no singer. [crowd chants "asshole"] But what I am is the showstopper, the headliner, the main event, the icon of the WWE, yours truly, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. [crowd boos] Hulk Hogan, at SummerSlam, I promise, no better yet, I guarantee...I guarantee Hulk Hogan, at SummerSlam, I will give you and the WWE fans something to remember. And of course, all of you here in Montreal know that I am all about... [crowd chants "asshole"] you know I'm all about giving you memories. Survivor Series 1997. [crowd boos] I handed Canada's own, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, [crowd cheers] his most miserable defeat. [crowd chants "we want Bret"] You want Bret? [crowd cheers] You're not gonna get Bret, because I screwed Bret. I did it once, and I'd do it again! If Bret "The Hitman" Hart had any guts, and he walked down that aisle tonight, stepped into this ring, and looked me eye to eye like a man, I'd say "Hitman, I screwed you once, and I'd screw you again." Because Bret "The Hit" [suddenly Bret Hart's music hits and the crowd erupts, but nothing happens for several seconds]

Jim Ross: My God, what's going on here?

Jerry Lawler: Well, I, it's Bret Hart!

Jonathan Coachman: I have no idea!

Ross: That's Bret "The Hitman" Hart's entrance music! [Michaels mocks Hart's pose]

Lawler: Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Coachman: I don't think the crowd knows how to respond, I don't think they know what to do. [Hart's music stops and Bret Hart doesn't show up]

Lawler: Wait a minute.

Michaels: Got your hopes just a little bit, didn't I?

Ross: Damn. Damn you.

Michaels: You will never, and I mean ever hear or see Bret "The Hitman" Hart inside a WWE ring again.

August 22

[John Cena has successfully defended the WWE Championship against Chris Jericho in a You're Fired match, meaning Jericho is fired]

Eric Bischoff: Chris, forget about all that. Because...YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE FIRED!

Jerry Lawler: What?!

Bischoff: You had a job to do, damn it, and you didn't get it done! [Jericho pleads for his job]

Chris Jericho: Give me another chance! I got a plan, he'll be fired! I mean come on! Don't fire me, come on Eric! Come on, we're buddies! We're friends, give me another chance! You know I can do it! Give me another chance! Please Eric!

Bischoff: YOU'RE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME?!

Jericho: NO!

Bischoff: GET OUT OF MY RING! OUT OF MY RING! [Jericho gets on his knees and begs for his job] I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, YOUR WIFE, OR YOUR DAMN KID! NOW GET OUT OF MY RING!

Jericho: Bitch you don't fire me!

Bischoff: I just did! Security, get him out of here!

Jericho: [security comes to the ring] Don't fire me! Don't fire me, Mr. Bischoff! Please I can do this! No!

Bischoff: Get him out of here! NOW! GET OUT OF MY RING DAMN IT! YOU ARE DONE! FINISHED! GET HIM OUT OF MY RING! [the security officers grab Jericho as he grabs Bischoff's leg]

Jerry Lawler: What are we seeing?

Jim Ross: Jericho begging for his job. He's holding on to, he's holding on to Bischoff's leg, begging to keep his job.

Lawler: I'd never thought I'd see Jericho beg on his knees like this!

Jonathan Coachman: I would never do anything like what Chris Jericho is doing right now. Jericho deserves to be fired. When you don't get the job done. [the security drags Jericho away from the ring]

Lawler: They're dragging him out of Raw!

Coachman: Hey, he had an opportunity. He didn't come through for the boss, thus, he's out of here. [the security carries Jericho as he screams] Chris Jericho is done.

Lawler: They're carrying him out!

Ross: Jericho being bodily carried out of this ring. Chris Jericho has been fired. Chris Jericho is done.

October 10

[One week after his vicious attack on Ric Flair, Triple H is seen walking through the hallways of the arena as various people look at him]

Jerry "The King" Lawler: Uh-oh!

[Triple H soon runs into Shawn Michaels, and comes face-to-face with him]

Shawn Michaels: You know, nobody in that locker room has known you as long as I have...you know, and I've always known that you were capable of just about anything, but what you did last week...was too much, Hunter. Was too much.

[Triple H then starts laughing as he walks away from Michaels, passing by various other superstars who stare at him coldly - until he runs into the Big Show]

Big Show: I'm telling you right now...someday, you're gonna get yours.

[Triple H slowly backs away from the Big Show, then turns around and comes face-to-face with the WWE champion, John Cena]

John Cena: I don't know you, I ain't gonna judge you, but after last week, you lost some respect.

Triple H: [starts to walk away but turns back to Cena] You know, if I were you, the last thing I'd want to do is get my attention, you know what I mean?

John: You know me. You want some? [taps WWE Championship] Come get some!

Triple H: Don't you worry. When I want some, [angrily points to title] I'll take it!

[As Triple H starts to leave, a random worker accidentally bumps into him, and in response, Triple H throws him to the ground]

Jim Ross: Come on! [Triple H grins and walks away] Now - uhh...what was the...? Damn.

---

[Linda McMahon appears after Vince and Stephanie fail to force JR to apologize over supporting Steve Austin as he Stunnered the McMahons the week before at Raw's USA Network return]

Linda McMahon: [rebuffing Vince's assurance that they got the situation under control] Well, Vince as your devoted wife and Stephanie, as your mother, I just simply cannot let the two of you continue this way. Last week, when we returned to USA Network, it was a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning for the entire McMahon family. It was a chance for a clean slate. The only way to garner respect from people is not, Vince, by yelling and screaming, or Steph, by pitching a fit. It's by taking action. [to JR] So, JR, on behalf of the entire [looks at Vince and Stephanie] McMahon family... [long pause] YOU'RE FIRED!! [gives JR a low blow as Vince and Stephanie gleefully mock him bawled over]

November 14

Vince McMahon: Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Eddie was in the prime of his life, 38 years old, the prime of his career. So tonight, we celebrate the life of Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero loved this business. He loved it, he had a passion for it like no one else. Eddie loved to perform more than anything else, whether he was booed or whether he was cheered, he loved to perform for all of you. Eddie's goal every night, Eddie's goal every night was to steal the show. So tonight there's no doubt in anyone's mind that Eddie would want the show to go on and, so it shall tonight as we pay tribute to the memory of Eddie Guerrero. At this time, I would ask you all to stand in silence as we toll the bell 10 times, after which, there'll be a special video presentation. So if you would all please stand. Thank you.

---

John Cena: Today you're gonna hear a lot of things from a lot of people. Some you like, some you don't. But the one constant you're gonna hear, the one that rings true, more truer than anything else, and everywhere that's said, is Eddie Guerrero was a great man. He uh, was one of the most passionate individuals about everything that he did I've ever met. On a personal level, when I didn't know anything here, he helped me not only as an in-ring partner, but uh, as a father figure. The stuff that you don't necessarily teach. The uh, the hip tosses and bodyslams. Eddie Guerrero went past that and taught me to find this. [gestures to his heart] That's through all his, his technical prowess, that's what Eddie had best. He had this. And he taught me to find it, he taught me to embrace it. Good, bad, or indifferent. My condolences go out to the Eddie Guerrero family, and I know those in the locker room who were close to him. Chavo of course, Chris Benoit, Rey Mysterio, Dean Malenko. Eddie was a man of faith, so I know he's in a better place, but selfishly, every single one of us will miss him. We love you Eddie.

---

Shawn Michaels: My memories of Eddie Guerrero have nothing to do with wrestling, nothing to do with the ring, because I never wrestled the man. It's all about faith. Eddie and I had a lot of wonderful talks about our faith, we were both born-again Christians, and the one thing I do know, we are assured of, that Eddie's last breath here was his first breath in eternity; and Eddie Guerrero and "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels will someday get to wrestle in what is the very biggest stage of them all and it isn't WrestleMania, it is in the heavenlies in front of a crowd of one, and that is the lord of lords and the king of kings, Jesus Christ. And I want to thank Eddie Guerrero for always being there to be able to share that common faith with and to let him know that he did something that nobody has ever been able to do in the history of this business, and that is bring everybody in the WWE, from the top man to the bottom guy, bring them all together in prayer in the name of Jesus, and Eddie Guerrero left his last and greatest witness here with us today. And Eddie, I want to say God bless you and I will see you again, my friend.

---

Rey Mysterio: Eddie Guerrero, my brother, mi carnal del alma...I know you're listening to me while I say these words. Putting wrestling aside...got a lot of good memories, that you left behind in my heart. Not only for me, but for my family, my son Dominik, my wife...your family and my family bonded real good. I'm gonna miss you; I miss you right now. I wish you were here with me. Wish this thing was, was a whole dream, and I can wake up and...you were still here with us. Everybody misses you, Eddie.

I love you, Eduardo. Te quiero mucho, guey. Te extraño. Que Dios te bendiga. [pauses, looking down and undoing the chin strap on his mask. looking back up] We're gonna miss you, Eddie. You're a big inspiration to everybody. As a fan, as a person, as a human being...you had a good presence, you had such a great presence...I love you. [blows a kiss to the camera, sighs, and puts his head down, ultimately taking off his mask before the camera fades out]

---

Chris Benoit: Eddie Guerrero is my best friend, and um I'm sure there's a lot of people that he knew that would be able to say the, the same thing about him. He was such a beautiful person, such a kind-hearted person, um, I couldn't find the, the right, I couldn't find the words, words couldn't describe what, what kind of a, a human being Eddie truly was. Um, I'd, I've known Eddie for just about 15 years and spent a good portion of those 15 years with him on the road. Uh, we'd laugh together, cry together, you know, fought each other, but we've, we've been up and down each and every mountain, each and every highway. Um, and Eddie, Eddie, Eddie always led by example. You know he, he was, he was the one friend that I had that I, that I could go to and pour my heart out to if I was going through something, if, if, if I had a personal issue or a personal problem, he was the one guy that I could call and, and, and talk to, and, and know that he would understand and, and he would, he would, he would talk me out of it, you know, because of, of all the experiences that, that he'd been through. I, I believe in leading by example, and Eddie always led by example through his life. Through, through, the obstacles that he went through and, and, and conquered and became a better person, and, and he'd often use that as an example. Um, a lot of times we'd, we traveled on the road together, so, and, now on the road, it's so chaotic and so, I mean, from the time we got up in the morning, we'd be 2 hours behind schedule. But we, it was fine because we, we'd pull up to a gym and we'd find ourselves sitting outside the gym for up to an hour, hour and a half, just talking. We'd just sit there, sit in the car, talking. Talking about life, talking about the past, present, future. We'd just talk about life. Eddie was, was that, that kind of friend to me. And, and not only then, but you know, after the show, it was, it'd be, it'd be 1 in the morning. And we'd be sat in a car till, you know, 3 in the morning, talking about life, talking about things and issues and problems and, and, um, everything. We'd talk about everything. And, we never, we never left each other without telling each other that we loved each other. And I, I, I can truly say that I, I love, I love Eddie Guerrero. He's, he's, he's a man that, that, that I can say I love. And I love his family. And my heart and my thoughts and my prayers go out to his wife Vickie, Shaul, Sherilyn, and Kaylie. I can't imagine the sorrow that, that they're going through right now and, and the emotions that, that they're feeling. But I want them to know that my, my prayers and my thoughts are, are with them. And Eddie, I, I know, I know that, that you, you're in a better place. And I know that you're looking down on me right now. And only know that I love you, and I miss you. [breaks down crying] Eddie you made, you made such a great impression on, on my life, and I want to thank you for everything you've ever given me. And I wanna thank you from my heart, and tell you that I love you and I'll never forget you, and that we'll see each other again. I love you Eddie.

December 12

Vince McMahon: All right. Well as, as promised, as promised, [throws the microphone]

Jerry Lawler: Well, looks like the sound man is gonna be fired tonight as well! [McMahon demands a new microphone] Oh ho! [A technician hands McMahon a new microphone] You hand Mr. McMahon a microphone, you don't throw it at him!

Jonathan Coachman: You don't throw it at all.

McMahon: Well as promised, last week we took out the trash! [crowd cheers] That's not some sort of bait and switch technique, not some sort of adoration. Last week, I fired Eric Bischoff's ass. And I can tell you this, Eric Bischoff is gonna stay fired. Not withstanding that, I'd like to thank Eric for his contributions and I'd like to wish he and his family a very merry Christmas.

Coachman: That's very sincere.

Lawler: He's a very warm man.

McMahon: Now of course everyone's been asking me, Mr. McMahon, who's gonna be named the new general manager of Raw? I have some suggestions on that matter. Matter of fact, a number of individuals come to mind who are imminently qualified. One might be um, my daughter Stephanie McMahon.

Lawler: Whoa!

McMahon: My son Shane McMahon! It might be one of those individuals, it may not be. There was some guy knocking on my door all afternoon trying to get in for an interview. The hell is his name? He wanted to be general manager, Theo Epstein. Then again, maybe not. Hell if Ted Turner wants to get quite, quote, back in the rasslin‍'‍ business, it could be Ted himself. It could be one of you.

Lawler: Oh!

McMahon: Just ribbing, it's not gonna be one of you. I can tell you. But nonetheless, tonight, the interview process begins to determine the general manager of Raw, or I can tell you, an individual has been, has been assigned tonight to be the interim general manager for tonight, and that individual is thought of as a business icon. He's thought of as a creative genius, and one handsome virile son of a bitch.

Lawler: Uh-oh.

McMahon: And that would be me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Lawler: I knew it!

McMahon: So tonight, I'm gonna take up where Eric Bischoff left off when Eric named the Elimination Chamber to be the main event at New Year's Revolution. By the end of tonight, we will know every member, every individual who will qualify to be in that Elimination Chamber. Because we're gonna begin with elimination matches here tonight.

Lawler: Uh-oh.

Joey Styles: That's gonna be great.

McMahon: By the end of the night, all five individuals will have qualified to be in the chamber and face WWE Champion John Cena. And with that in mind, we will start with our very first qualifying match right now, and by the way, you will note, during this individual's entrance, you the audience, will not be censored. Thank you very much. Have a good night.

2006

May 1

[After Jerry "The King" Lawler humiliates Joey Styles on Raw]

Jerry Lawler: Let me just say this: uh, during the break, I apologized to the fans here; right now, I wanna take this opportunity to apologize to you, Joey Styles, my fault, just trying to have a little fun, it got out of hand! I'm sorry, come back out and let's finish the rest of this show. My bad. Come on, Joey. [the crowd cheers] Come on, Joey! Come on back out here! [as Joey marches back out into the arena] Come on.

[Joey stands on the ramp and does not return to the desk]

Joey Styles: You want to apologize? Like nothing happened. Like you didn't knock me on my ass in front of millions of people worldwide, and I'm gonna come down there and work with you? I'm not coming back, and now, thanks to the magic of live television, I’m gonna show the whole world why for seven years in ECW, I was the unscripted, uncensored, loose cannon of commentary! Six months ago, WWE called me! I didn’t call this company because I was looking for a job. I didn’t need a job. WWE called me, because they had humiliated and fired, again, Jim Ross. So I get JR’s spot, and from WEEK ONE, week after week, I've got an ongoing lecture about the differences in professional wrestling and sports entertainment. I'm not allowed to say "pro wrestling", I'm not allowed to say "wrestler"; I have to say "sports entertainment", and refer to the wrestlers as "superstars". I'm told to deliberately ignore the moves and the holds during the matches so I can tell stories. Well, ignoring the moves and the holds is damn insulting to the athletes, the wrestlers, not the entertainers, who leave their families 300 days a year to ply their craft in that ring! So here’s the best part. Because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller, I get pulled from WrestleMania, and the reason I’m given is, is because I don’t sound like Jim Ross, who’s the guy they fired in the first place, that makes sense, right? So I swallow the bitter pill, I’m a company guy. I get bumped from WrestleMania. Then I get bumped...from Backlash? I'm not good enough to call Backlash?! In ECW, I called live pay-per-views on my own, solo, no color commentators dragging me down. Wasn't done before me, hasn't been done since! But I'm not good enough to call Backlash because I’m not a sports entertainment storyteller. Well, you know what? I am sick of sports entertainment. I am sick of male cheerleaders! I am sick of boogers and bathroom humor and semen, and I am sick of our chairman, who likes to talk about his own semen, he mocks God - he mocks God! - and makes out the divas all to feed his own insatiable ego. I am SICK of sports entertainment, and most of all, I'm sick of you fans who actually buy into that crap! This sports entertainment circus! [the crowd boos] I never needed this job, and I don’t want this job anymore. [takes the collar bearing the WWE logo off the microphone and throws it aside] I quit! [walks out]

Jerry [putting his headset back on]: You know...we brought Joey Styles up from the gutter and it looks like he just got homesick; maybe Joey Styles will feel more at home in a bingo hall, kissing Paul Heyman's ass! Idiot.

May 29

Mick Foley: Thank you and, sure was great to see Melina right here in Tacoma, Washington!

Jerry Lawler: Ha! Cheap pop. Of course he's right.

Foley: That's not why we're here, is it Paul? We're here to have a little "face-off", and I wanna thank you. Because after all last week on Raw, you leveled some pretty heavy charges at me. You called me a...prostitute. Charges to which I plead...guilty. I mean, kind of. Let's face it, Paul. Everybody in the WWE does things they don't wanna do to get to the top. I mean if you tuned in to see some meta principal taking stands, well you're in the wrong damn place. You see Paul, the only difference between the ECW Mick Foley and the current WWE Mick Foley is that I traded in a lowlife, nothing happening pimp like you, for a billion-dollar pimp like Vince McMahon. I admit it. I'm guilty and I'm not mad. Where I begin to become a little bit next, is where I hear that you're assembling this little One Night Stand pay-per-view. And Edge and I, the proud co-holders of the Hardcore Championship, are going to take on the legendary Terry Funk and the innovator of violence, Tommy Dreamer. And I don't see where you begin to get off on claiming that they are what "hardcore" is all about. Not after Edge and I tore down the house at WrestleMania, stole the show, set new standards for what hardcore was all about. But other than that Paul, I wish you luck with your charming little band of pot-smoking, porn-addicted, cheap, second-rate Mick Foley ripoffs! Best of luck to you!

Lawler: Oh there!

Paul Heyman: Wow! I uh, I I I really miss that locker room that you described, Mick. And your comments would be a lot more fighting to me if they just didn't come from a guy who spent his entire career as a Terry Funk ripoff.

Foley: All right! I'll admit right here in front of the world that Terry Funk was the greatest wrestler I ever saw. I'll admit that Tommy Dreamer was as tough and had as much heart as anybody I entered the ring with. But where we parted was the fact that they didn't have the guts to do what I did.

Heyman: [speaking over Foley] To pull a sock out of their crotch, put in on their hand, and make Vince McMahon laugh when he was in the hospital. That's what they didn't have the guts to do. Tell me, Mick. How many shots did you get at the WWE title before you pulled the sock out of your pants for Vince McMahon?

Foley: Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer's problem, Paul, was they had bingo hall balls! THEY DIDN'T HAVE WHAT IT TOOK TO DO WHAT I DID! And ply their craft on the main stage of WWE! The gutsiest move I ever made was wandering out of my comfort zone to the great wide unknown and becoming one of the biggest stars this business has ever seen! You know why you hate me, Paul? You don't hate me because I sold out, because everybody left you eventually. You hate me because I had the audacity to realize on my own volition what everybody did sooner or later. The road from ECW went only four ways. You left there as either a drunk, a drug addict, a criminal, or a corpse! You resent me for who I am, the hardcore legend, the biggest star this business has ever seen!

Heyman: No, no! You still don't get it. I don't resent you at all. My problem is not what you've accomplished. My, my problem Mick, is what you've become. My problem is, is the fact that you took your legacy and you threw it away to become a, a, a cheap shot-taking, Lita hand-sponging, Edge ass-kissing WHORE! [Foley knocks over his podium]

Lawler: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Heyman: Listen. It goes like this. At ECW One Night Stand, you and Edge are going to experience firsthand that Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk are more than capable of living up to the standards, not only what you said back in the day in ECW, but they're gonna live up to the standards that you and Edge set for hardcore at WrestleMania. That's gonna happen to you and Edge at ECW One Night Stand. But while you're at ECW One Night Stand, I want you and Edge to pay attention to the new vision for ECW. Cause ECW won't just be about barbed wire and baseball bats and flaming tables and piledriving women, we'll still have some of that, but, Mick it's a whole lot more like, for example, you know ECW's coming back full-time. And because of that now, it's open season. Anybody on Raw or SmackDown! that wants to jump to ECW is more than welcome to, and in addition to that, Vince McMahon has given me two draft picks. One from Raw, one from SmackDown!.

Foley: Oh and let me guess your Raw draft pick. The winner is...Rob Van Dam! It's a great choice, Paul E! He's a tremendous wrestler and not only that, he loved the old ECW! I'm sure he'll love your new vision of ECW. But the only reason RVD liked the old ECW so much is because he truly was [makes a smoking gesture] a high flyer.

Heyman: The Kool-Aid did come in many forms, Mick. And at ECW One Night Stand, when Rob Van Dam beats John Cena for the WWE title, and christens it the, oh you know it's going to happen! And re-christens it the ECW World title, you see, Rob Van Dam will be witnessed by not only the ECW audience, but I hope by everybody that watches Raw, everybody that watches SmackDown!, and my SmackDown! draft pick who happens to be --

Foley: LET ME GUESS! Let me see. Wait wait, give me a hint. I, he's a scarred up, used up, second-rate Mick Foley reject. Who is he Paul? We're dying to know.

Heyman: No Mick, who he is is somebody that embodies the new vision for ECW. What he is is not what you described. What he is is someone that we have been paying attention to and have wanted to for the longest time. Because, my pick from SmackDown! embodies what the new vision for ECW is going to be. I'd like to introduce you to him, Mick. Because he's here tonight. He's here tonight. [Kurt Angle's music hits]

Jim Ross: What?

Lawler: What?

Ross: What in the hell you kidding?! Kurt Angle! Kurt Angle!

Lawler: Kurt Angle's been drafted by Paul Heyman to be in ECW?!

Ross: Rob Van Dam leaving Raw for ECW, and now Kurt Angle's gonna be leaving SmackDown! to wrestle full-time for ECW! [Angle charges into the ring and attacks Foley]

June 12

Jonathan Coachman: Ladies and gentlemen, chairman of WWE, Mr. McMahon.

Mr. McMahon: Thank you, and good evening. World Wrestling Entertainment is a promotional juggernaut. It is the most successful promotional juggernaut in history, having well-established its pre-eminent brands of Raw and SmackDown!, the WWE has recently announced the recreation of a third brand, ECW, which premieres tomorrow night at 10 o'clock, 9 o'clock Central on Sci Fi. ECW's representative, Paul Heyman made it very clear at the, at the top of the show, in which Mr. Heyman stated that we have a new WWE Champion, and his name is Rob Van Dam. Not withstanding the recreation of this third brand, there, there're other things I would like to discuss with you tonight. That is, what happened to the, the chairman of the board last week here on Raw. It's one thing for me to establish a kiss my ass club. It's quite another for someone who is to join to turn that around, kick me in the guts, wrench my arms behind my back, and drive me down to the canvas, thus exposing my dairy air in an involuntary basis. There were children who watch this show. I want Triple H to think about that. And something else I want Triple H to think about is what happened to his buddy not long ago, Shawn Michaels. When Shawn Michaels crossed my path, I sent the Spirit Squad on Mr. Michaels. All five of them. Mr. Michaels is no longer in action. So tonight, Triple H must be taught a lesson. A lesson he will never forget. And yes, I will once again use the Spirit Squad to teach that lesson. However tonight, what happened to Shawn Michaels was just too quick. Tonight will be slow. Tonight I'm gonna dismember Triple H limb by limb, until there's absolutely nothing left in a gauntlet match. All five members of the Spirit Squad dismembering Triple H. So tonight, after it's all over, I assure you, Triple H will in fact, reunited with Shawn Michaels. On the highway to hell!

July 3

[Rob Van Dam is defending the WWE Championship against Edge and John Cena in a Triple Threat match]

Jim Ross: Van Dam pulls himself back up. But Cena's there waiting. [Cena lifts RVD on his shoulders for an FU] Cena now,

Jerry Lawler: Here we go!

Ross: Cena with the FU, can he do it? Can John Cena do it if he does? [Cena hits the FU on RVD] Yes!

Lawler: Got him!

Ross: Cena did it! [Edge suddenly comes in and hits Cena with the WWE Championship belt]

Lawler: Oh no!

Ross: My God! Cena - wait a minute! [Edge covers RVD] Edge with the belt! Edge with the count! [the referee counts three, resulting in Edge winning the match and the WWE Championship] Edge! Edge! Edge has just, Edge is the WWE Champion!

Lilian Garcia: Here is your winner, and the new WWE Champion, Edge!

Lawler: Oh my gosh! Oh ho ho ho ho!

Ross: John, exactly! John Cena delivered the FU on Van Dam! Cena had the match won, but Edge used the WWE Championship title belt to dim Cena's lights! To, and snatch the title right away from John Cena!

Lawler: But one thing's for sure. The WWE title is back on Raw! Thank goodness!

Ross: Rob Van Dam has lost the WWE title. Edge has won the WWE Championship. [Edge checks on Lita]

Lawler: Look at Lita.

Ross: John Cena with the FU, had this match won. I don't give a damn about Lita, King!

July 17

Mick Foley: Hello out there to all my fans right there in San Antonio, Texas! It's me Mick Foley in the WWE Studios and I know what a lot of you are thinking. You're thinking, "Isn't that the shirt Mick wore when he was interviewed by Katie Couric on Halloween a few years ago?" You're darn right it is, but I'm not here to talk about Katie Couric right now, or the beautiful Melina for that matter. I'm here to talk about the Nature Boy - Whooo! - Ric Flair and comments he made about me. You see, Ric was on the show last Monday actually bragging about beating me two straight falls in a two out of three falls match. You see Ric, I have a different take on things, you see I seem to remember you bludgeoned, bloody with your family in tears, which begs the question: Just what world do you inhabit Ric, where all those things can be construed as a positive!? How much worse could it have possibly have gotten!? Are you really under the impression I was trying to win the match? Because if I had been, I would have! The barbed wired bat under the ring was no accident, Ric. From the very get-go, I intended to leave you laying, and that is exactly what I did. And you're out there saying Mick Foley posing a challenge, anywhere, anyplace any match of your choosing. Well let me see... uh... I don't want to wrestle you anywhere, anyplace, in any type of match ever! What part of "no rematch" do you not understand? Let me put it in the words of a famous song: A no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, no, a no, no, no, No rematch Ric! Yeah!

---

Mick Foley: Hello everybody, it's Mick Foley again in the WWE Studios and since we're live and since nobody can really stop me, I thought I'd give a shout out to my good friend Melina. Great match on Monday, I was really proud of you. But I'm really not here to talk about a Monday match, I'm here to talk about Ric Flair's hardcore match with the Big Show on ECW. And Ric, I was impressed. I mean you got down, you got dirty, you got hardcore! You broke out the barb wire bat! You used thumbtacks, laying in a pile of them and as it turns out, you did it all in vain, Ric. Because no matter what you do, no matter what you say, no matter how badly you wish I could grow something you could check out first hand, you get no rematch! See, three things happened at Vengeance Ric, I came, I saw, I kicked your old ass! And I have nothing left to prove to you! Now if you really want to me like Mick Foley, don't stop with the barb wire and thumbtacks. Wear a flannel on TV next week, drive a used mini-van, and sit in seat 26C next to the crapper! Or repeat after me as a paraphrase and old Michael Jackson song: He's out of my life, damned indecision and cursed pride. And it cuts like a knife, you're out of my life! You washed-up piece of crap! Yeah!

July 24

Shawn Michaels: As many of you may know, a few weeks ago, Triple H and myself pulled a little bit of a prank on the McMahons. We told them that one Stephanie McMahon had gone into labor. And... well, that was a lie. [Looking up] Forgive me. As it would seem, however, life often imitates art. Because at this very moment, Stephanie McMahon is in a hospital in Connecticut giving birth to her first child. And of course, thankfully by her side are her father, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and her brother, Shane McMahon. But unbeknownst to them, my partner-in-crime Triple H, at this very moment, is in that same hospital.

Now, somehow, he's got a little bit of an inside scoop into this whole pregnancy thing. You know... between you guys and me... I think he knows who the father is.

---

Mick Foley: What has become of Ric Flair? You see I'm in a state of disbelief because I watched Raw last Monday and found it hard to believe that Ric Flair resorted to calling me "Fat Boy". Fat Boy, a name so effective he chose to use it twice and I have to admit the name hurt. Yeah, the name "Fat Boy" hurt when my brother used it on me 30 years ago. What has become of Ric Flair? You see it hurts me worse than anything just to see Ric Flair proving to the world, one of the all time great performers in our business, proving to the world that he had the creativity, the originality and the intellect of the average fourth grader. What has become of Ric Flair!? You see I thought I was going on a journey to meet the Great and Powerful Oz! And it turns out instead I see a weak and feeble man operating behind a curtain, digging into a bag of cliches because he's got nothing left to offer! "To be the man, you've got to beat the man!" "I'm a 16-time world champion!" "All night long!" blah blah blah. You make me sick Ric! What has become of you!? You've reduced yourself to being a second-rate circus side show, falling on thumbtacks on an ECW show, all in vain attempt to lure me back into the ring! It's not gonna work! What part of "no" did you not understand? I won't fight you here, there, or anywhere. What has become of you Ric Flair!? Because now not only are you a second-rate freak show, but you've resorted to attacking innocent, beautiful defenseless women. And even worse, Ric Flair, the woman you chose to attack was a friend of mine! Which means I'll be coming to New Jersey, Ric Flair, but I won't be coming to wrestle, but I will be coming to look you in the ring face to face and air our differences in a very public venue. And I swear to your Ric, you leave the cliches at home and you bring your heart and your mind or I will swat you away and embarrass you in front on national TV, you washed-up piece of crap! I'll see you next Monday on Raw! Yeah!

August 21

[The McMahons' limo has been stopped by a chain severing its rear axle and Vince and Shane are livid at the driver. Vince looks at the side of the limo...]

Jerry Lawler: [reacts as the camera shows DX spray-painted on the side] Uh oh...

Jim Ross: Oh God...

Vince McMahon: [violently kicks the car and screams] Dammit!! [holds his right ear as he screams and cries in anguish; Shane tries to comfort him as he breaks down]

Lawler: I think it's happened. I think DX has broken Mr. McMahon!

October 9

[Edge and Lita are in the ring for The Cutting Edge, having just invited Randy Orton on the show]

Edge: Randy, thanks for - thanks for coming on the show, and...I'll get straight to the point. See, you've impressed me. You impressed me in 2004 when you became the youngest champion in WWE history. But, but since then, you've done absolutely nothing.

Randy Orton: [standing up from his seat, shocked] Excuse me?

Edge [stammering]: Don't get me wrong, you've been involved in some huge matches: last year at WrestleMania against the Undertaker. This year at WrestleMania, Rey Mysterio, SummerSlam, Hulk Hogan, but...the thing is, you lost all those matches. You see, for two years straight, you have consistently dropped the ball.

Randy: You got two seconds to come up with a point...or I'm gonna drop you right now.

Jerry "The King" Lawler: I knew it.

Edge: Okay. Okay. Okay, Randy, I have a point: you see, every - every misstep, every bump in the road since you became champion, it-it can be traced back to one single, solitary moment. Do you remember?, because if you don't, I'm gonna remind you right now. [pointing at the Titantron] Roll the footage. [footage shown of Orton in 2004 celebrating his World Heavyweight Championship, only for Triple H and the rest of Evolution to turn on him as Triple H starts attacking him] Do you remember that, Randy? Do you remember, you were on top of the world, you had it ALL!...but Triple H's selfishness cost you everything, everything! I know you tried to pull it all back together, but let's face it, the facts are the facts! So you're probably asking yourself why, why would I care? And normally, I wouldn't. But these things have a, a tendency to repeat themselves. Jealousy rears its ugly head again, because, just last week, there was another travesty of justice. So once again, [gesturing to the Titantron] let's roll the footage. [footage from the previous week on Raw when D-Generation X interfered in Edge's steel cage match against John Cena for the WWE Championship, with Shawn Michaels' Sweet Chin Music to Trevor Murdoch, causing Murdoch to inadvertently slam the cage door on Edge's head, being the main turning point] Shawn Michaels cost me the WWE Championship! The same man who, who taught Triple H every self-serving, power-hungry move he's ever known! And-and what did DX do when they came out here earlier? They...they made some cute little jokes. Because Randy, they think I'm a joke, they think you're a joke. And they're gonna continue to do that, until someone takes a stand. You see, Randy, I know you're not a joke, and I'm not a joke. The reason I called you out here tonight...is because I think those people that should take a stand...I think it's you, and me. We should own this show! We should have all the championships! We are the present and future of this industry, not some tired old act from a decade ago! So I tell you what, Randy, it's really simple: you can get mad at the things, the-the true things I said earlier and, you can fight me right now...or...you can join me. Join me and together we can take a stand against DX. We can beat DX! Take back our championships! Take back our lives, our careers! So the ball's in your court. It's up to you.

[the crowd starts an "RKO" chant, much to Edge's chagrin]

Randy: DX...as far as you running this show anymore is concerned, I've got two words for ya: it's over! [shakes Edge's hand and the two grin at one another]

November 20

[John Cena is in the ring with his Survivor Series teammates Bobby Lashley, Kane, Rob Van Dam, and Sabu]

John Cena: You see, you people know, just when you think it's safe to get back in the water and have a good old-fashioned fight with your local Samoan Bulldozer, big old poopy pants comes running down and ruins the party! Big Show wanting to start Survivor Series all early and stuff. But you know what? I actually agree with that. And these four men were kind enough to go to war with me this Sunday, and it just so happens that they too, would like to start Survivor Series just a little bit early!

Jerry Lawler: Oh!

Cena: So what do you say, tons of fun? Why don't your team Goodyear come down here and we can start this right -- [Rated-RKO's music hits]

Jim Ross: John Cena obviously wanting to get some retribution with The Big Show's team.

Lawler: That's not The Big Show's music is it?

Ross: No it certainly isn't. Where the, I hear the music of Team R, [Team Rated-RKO consisting of Edge, Gregory Helms, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox, and Randy Orton along with Melina enters through the crowd] Team Rated-RKO. Co-captains Edge and Randy Orton and new World Tag Team champs.

Edge: That, that's good stuff, John. That's great. I mean, come out here and talking trash is fine. But uh, shouldn't it be done by someone who didn't get their ass kicked last week? Someone like say, us? I mean, we hospitalized a Hall of Famer. And we became the new tag team champions. [Edge and Orton hold their World Tag Team Championship belts]

Lawler: Can't really argue with that, can you JR?

Ross: Unfortunately not.

Randy Orton: So, basically what that means is after Nitro wins his ladder match tonight, [Edge and Nitro high-five as the crowd chants "you suck"] I said, SHUT THE HELL UP, I GOT SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY! [crowd boos] After Nitro wins his ladder match tonight, there's gonna be four champions on our team, not to mention, the biggest, baddest, up and coming star on ECW, Mike Knox! That's right. And that will make Team Rated-RK... [Ric Flair's music hits]

Lawler: Hey!

Ross: Well the Nature Boy's been known to be rated R a time or two in his life as well King.

Lawler: Nobody's beginning to complete a thought out here though. [Ric Flair enters through the crowd with his teammates Dusty Rhodes and Sgt. Slaughter with Arn Anderson in tow] Hey there's Naitch!

Ross: Look at the legends, led by the incomparable 16-time World Champion, Nature Boy Ric Flair.

Ric Flair: [over JR] Woo!

Lawler: Well where are they? Look! Over over your left shoulder!

Flair: Hey!

Ross: There they are.

Flair: Edge, Orton! I'm talking to you! You call yourselves champions? Taking out Piper, winning the titles in a glorified handicap match?! Hell, I'm the dirtiest player in the game! And you know what? I think, hell what I DON'T think, you're not champions, you're pathetic! [the Spirit Squad's music hits]

Lawler: Uh-oh. Speaking of pathetic.

Ross: And what a natural segway. That Spirit Squad music.

Lawler: Where are these guys gonna come from? [the Spirit Squad comes through the crowd] Oh there.

Ross: There's Kenny, leading the Spirit Squad. The, uh, self-proclaimed leader of the Spirit Squad is Kenny.

Kenny: I'll tell you what's pathetic, Flair. You actually think that your team of Natural History Museum rejects can beat Team Spirit Squad at Survivor Series.

Johnny: And it doesn't matter who you've got to replace Piper, because -- [Kenny takes the microphone]

Kenny: Because it's not going to matter! Now, as the youngest captain in Survivor Series history, I have come up with a special cheer that I'm gonna debut right here, right now.

Lawler: Oh no.

Ross: You don't have to really, you know.

Kenny: Are you guys ready? [DX's music hits]

Lawler: Are you ready? Are you ready? Hahaha, here we go!

Ross: What a crowd here in Baltimore, on their feet, are they ready? [Team DX consisting of CM Punk, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Shawn Michaels, and Triple H enters]

Lawler: Look! Team DX!

Ross: Co-captains DX, Triple H and Shawn Michaels, and their Survivor Series elimination team. And a great ovation.

Shawn Michaels: Okay, okay, okay. Enough of the talk! I see all of us out here. I say let's start this thing right here, right now! Let's have --

Lawler: All right!

Michaels: Oh yeah! You heard me! Let's start the Royal Rumble right now! [Triple H whispers something in Michaels' ear] Oh. All right, we, no, I, I see your point. I guess that works too. All right then let's start Survivor Series right now.

Lawler: Right. Not the Royal Rumble! Survivor Series!

Ross: That will be this Sunday by the way folks.

Triple H: No no no, okay, hold on, hold on. Let's be realistic here. Ric, Ric, honestly you guys can beat up the Spirit Squad any time you want. Take it from us, they're easy. Actually, take it from most guys, they're easy.

Ross: Ouch.

Triple H: I think, I think waiting until Sunday will work out just fine for you guys. And Cena, you want Big Show to come out here right now. But, but the problem is, when we were about to come out here, I saw an open case of Twinkies in the back.

Lawler: Uh-oh.

Triple H: The chances of him coming out here are slim and none. Well, not really so much slim. But I mean, you get the idea. So the way I see it, there's only two teams out here that are ready for action. You've got Edge and Orton and the rest of the Village People.

Lawler: Oh oh, Village People?

Triple H: And you've got the next ECW champion, CM Punk. You've got the freshly reunited Team Xtreme, Matt and Jeff Hardy.

Ross: Wow.

Triple H: And you've got the Heartbreak Kid and the Game, you've got D-Generation X. Who by the way have just got two words for ya.

Edge: Hey shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I am sick and tired of your two damn words! Everyone is sick and tired of your two words! This whole team is sick and tired of your two words! Raw is sick of it! SmackDown!, ECW, everyone. As a matter of fact, I bet ya Cena is even sick of you too, isn't that right?

Cena: Actually, if uh, if Show is too gutless to come out here, I have no problem with you guys beating the hell out of these guys right here. I'd like to see that. [Big Show's music hits]

Lawler: Uh-oh!

Ross: Well I think the world's largest athlete indeed is going to make his -- [Big Show enters with his teammates Finlay, Montel Vontavious Porter, Test, and Umaga along with Armando Alejandro Estrada]

Lawler: Yep.

Ross: His presence, his large presence felt. His largeness and his king of the Survivor Series.

Big Show: Cena, who in the hell do you think you are? Calling me gutless? I am the captain of the most dominant team in Survivor Series. And if none of you believe that, well I can make you believe it.

Cena: I'll tell you what. Since you think that uh, none of us believe you and we got every single team right here, how about everybody gets in the ring and we see who's left standing?

Lawler: Oh I like that!

Ross: Oh Cena just threw down the gauntlet for every superstar here tonight. And uh, Survivor Series may start six days early, King. And we're in Baltimore, not the City of Brotherly Love. [Big Show's team approaches the ring]

Lawler: Here we go! Here comes the Big Show and his team! [all the other teams approach the ring]

Ross: Well this is, there's uh, Team Rated-RKO, and [Mr. McMahon's music hits]

Lawler: They're in the ring! [the teams start to fill the ring]

Ross: Well the ring is filling up.

Mr. McMahon: Hold it! Hold hold, stop it right there!

Ross: [over McMahon] There's only one thing.

McMahon: Nobody makes another move! What the hell's the matter with you people? Have you lost your mind?! We're not gonna have Survivor Series here tonight! Survivor Series is this Sunday. But I'll tell ya what we will have. Tonight, we will have individual matches with all the Survivor Series teams. But in addition to that, in the main event, something unprecedented. Something that's never been done before. Tonight, we're gonna have ourselves an all-captains eight-man tag team match!

Lawler: Uh-oh.

McMahon: Which simply means that, Survivor Series captain John Cena will team up with the Nature Boy Ric Flair, and teaming up with D-Generation X!

Lawler: Oh oh man!

McMahon: Against Survivor Series captains Edge and Orton, teaming up with Kenny, I said, Kenny!

Kenny: That's right, he said my name!

McMahon: And the Big Show! This may not be Survivor Series tonight, but I guarantee you it'll be a night you never ever forget.

December 4

Todd Grisham: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome D-Generation X. [crowd cheers] And gentlemen, after the footage we just saw, the question on everyone's mind is how is Ric Flair doing?

Shawn Michaels: Todd, you can't and will never be able to hold down Ric Flair. He will be back. Edge and Orton, [claps] unbelievable. You two are the only ones that have managed to see past the mirage that is D-Generation X. The whole fighting the system, spitting in the face of authority, having no respect for absolutely anyone, you knew that didn't apply when it came to the Nature Boy, Ric Flair. You know about the impact he had when we were growing up. You know about the impact he had on us when we were young WWE superstars and more importantly than that, you know that in the last five years, we have come to know him as a close personal friend. Congratulations. Mission accomplished. You've now made this personal. Last week you did to Ric Flair that which you knew you could never do to us. The pain, the humiliation that you put him through last week is not gonna compare to what you suffer at the hands of D-Generation X.

2007

March 26

[the WrestleMania 23 Money in the Bank ladder match participants are in the ring]

Edge: Welcome to a very special edition of the Cutting Edge. Now as we all know, the third annual Money in the Bank ladder match takes place this Sunday at WrestleMania. I of course won the first Money in the Bank, cashed it in, and went on to become WWE Champion. Actually, I've won ladder matches at WrestleManias 16, 17, and 21. As a matter of fact, I've won more ladder matches than all of you combined. Add to the fact that I've never been beaten at WrestleMania. And what makes any of you think you have a shot this Sunday? And, and Matt, Matt I'll start with you. Because I'm shocked that you're even on WrestleMania. [Matt Hardy takes the microphone]

Matt Hardy: Oh I'm on WrestleMania. And I'm gonna be in your face. And you're not the only one with experience in ladder matches. I've won quite a few of these myself. And at WrestleMania, I'm gonna beat you up bad. So bad that you're gonna be lying flat on your back. Much like your ex-girlfriend.

Edge: Okay, okay, that's it, you're done speaking! And I can do that because this is my show! Now King Bookah, hopefully, hopefully you have something intelligent to say.

King Booker: Indeed. Indeed I do. Now I realize, some of you have won championships in the past. But none, none of you have reigned, reigned successfully as King Booker! Now, the rest of you lowly, lowly peasants, [Finlay takes the microphone]

Finlay: Peasants?! I am sick of this verbal diarrhea! I feel like I'm on here among a bunch of old women! You didn't like that, chisel-chin? You feelin' froggy? Go ahead and jump! [Randy Orton takes the microphone]

Randy Orton: Fit, Fit, take it easy now, don't hurt Edge's feelings! Don't hurt Edge's feelings, Fit, you see, 'cause he might use that as an excuse to duck out of this match! Just like you've ducked out of every match you'd been scheduled to wrestle in for the past month.

Edge: Now, now, Randy, you know that's not true, okay? [Mr. Kennedy takes the microphone]

Mr. Kennedy: Oh oh no, no. That is true. No it it, it's pretty obvious to me, it's pretty obvious to everybody out here that you, you don't wanna fight tonight, do ya? You don't wanna fight, but you know what, you might as well just step aside. EVERYBODY here might as well step aside, because you're looking at the man who is gonna be Mr. Money in the Bank. You're looking at MR.... [Edge takes the microphone]

Edge: Okay, okay, very nice, very nice! Riveting stuff, repeat your name! Oh and that brings us, that brings us to Jeff Hardy. And Jeff I, I'd ask you for a comment but all you've really said for the last few months is, [does Jeff Hardy's signature entrance pose] Ha! So, so maybe I should close this one out for you, huh?

Jeff Hardy: Hey man that's real funny. You know, this is my first WrestleMania in five long years. Therefore, I plan to do what I always do in ladder matches, and that's to STEAL THE ENTIRE SHOW! Even if it means going through my own brother. I'll do what it takes to climb that ladder, grab the briefcase, and win Money in the Bank.

Edge: Okay enough! Enough! [crowd chants "CM Punk"] Oh and last, but certainly not least, that brings us to Chicago's own, CM Punk! [crowd cheers loudly] Cheer it up. So you're straight edge, right? Your only addiction is competition, right? Well my addictions are sex, violence, and championship gold around my waist.

CM Punk: Edge, right now, the only thing it looks like you're addicted to, is running your mouth. [Edge shoves Punk, resulting in a brawl]

June 18

Stephanie McMahon: On behalf of the McMahon family, I would like to thank all of you for your letters, your phone calls and your emails. While your sympathy was sometimes surprising, you have no idea how much it meant to me and my family. My father wanted to leave this world the same way he lived it. In the biggest way possible. Which is why the McMahon family is inviting all of you to join us next week in a special three-hour celebration. Next week, superstars from Raw, SmackDown! and ECW will join us in celebration of my father, Mr. McMahon. Now some of you might feel that Mr. McMahon doesn't deserve a celebration. Mr. McMahon was not loved. He was not sympathetic, and he was not kind. But the man you know as Mr. McMahon is the only man I have ever known as my dad. And my dad is the most important person in this world. Was. And this Sunday's pay-per-view might be named Vengeance, but vengeance will be true the moment that my family finds out who did this to my dad. I love you dad! [walks out of the ring crying]

June 25

Vince McMahon: Good evening. Tonight, this arena here in Corpus Christi, Texas, was to have been filled to capacity with enthusiastic WWE fans. Tonight’s storyline was to have been the alleged demise of my character, Mr. McMahon. However, in reality, WWE Superstar Chris Benoit, his wife Nancy, and their son Daniel, are dead. Their bodies were discovered this afternoon in their new, suburban Atlanta home. The authorities are undergoing an investigation. We here in the WWE can only offer our condolences to the extended family of Chris Benoit, and the only other thing we can do at this moment is, tonight, pay tribute to Chris Benoit. We will offer you some of the most memorable moments in Chris’ professional life, and you will hear, tonight, comments from his peers; those here – his fellow performers – those here who loved Chris and admired him so much. So tonight will be a three-hour tribute to one of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. Tonight will be a tribute to Chris Benoit.

---

Edge: It's really confusing. I don't understand things like this, and I don't know if I ever will.

September 24

Randy Orton: I just want to congratulate John Cena, on being the biggest phony in WWE history. Cena prides himself on never backing down, never quitting. But that's exactly what Cena did at Unforgiven. [clip from Orton's WWE Championship match with John Cena at Unforgiven is shown] He knew he couldn't beat me, so he went ahead and got himself disqualified. That's taking the coward's way out. That's the same as giving up. Don't let Cena trick you into thinking he lost it in the heat of battle. He knew exactly what he was doing. Cena was losing the match. He could see his one-year title reign come crashing to an end, so he took the easy way out. Now tell me, what type of champion does that? Cena, I'll give you credit, you're smart. You took all the focus off screwing me over by having your pathetic father kick me in the head after the match. [clip of Cena's father kicking Orton in the head is shown] Mr. Cena, I don't know what you do for a living. You probably live off your son like a bum. I on the other hand, am a professional wrestler. I'm a WWE superstar, that's what I do. Competing in the ring is my livelihood, it's in my blood, it is my life, and you tried to take that away from me! But things are turning around. Things are changing, John Cena, I truly enjoyed beating up your father last Monday on Raw. I enjoyed the look on your face as you were handcuffed to the ring while I annihilated your old man, you were helpless. You better get used to that feeling Cena. Because at No Mercy, there's nowhere to run. It's a last man standing match. Anything goes. There is nothing that's gonna stop me from beating you senseless, and taking what's rightfully mine, the WWE Championship. So Cena, here's what I want you to do. I want you to bring your old man to Raw next week. 'Cause I want him to see exactly what I'm gonna do to you at No Mercy. Cena, I will not be denied. I will be victorious, I will be champion. I will be the last man standing.

November 5

Triple H: What the hell was all that?

Shawn: I gotta be honest with you. I mean, I feel like I'm getting a little old for this. I don't know who writes this garbage, but this is the worst debacle since that whole Katie Vick years ago.

Triple H: You got a good point. But the thing is, I don't think anybody writes this crap—they're on strike. [The crowd cheers] But we're not!

December 31

John "Bradshaw" Layfield: On this New Year's Eve on this city that I own, my hometown, New York City, they're waiting for a ball to come down out of the sky. The rest of the world, yourself included, those in New York are knowing that this day will be known for one thing, and one thing only. Mark it, write it down, etch this day in stone. This is the day that JBL returns! This is the day JBL comes to Raw. It is so momentous, you can smell it because you people know, you know far and wide, everyone knows I don't have to be here. I am a millionaire many times over. I am here for one simple reason. I love power. I love domination. I like, I love owning people. I love taking people like you, squashing them under my thumb, because I can. Money comes to money. I am your worst nightmare, because if I can't buy it, I will take it! So mark my words, [Chris Jericho's music hits]

Jerry Lawler: What is this now? [Chris Jericho comes out] This was a piece of history, JR! Jericho doesn't need to spoil this! [Jericho charges at JBL] Look out!

Jim Ross: And Chris Jericho is not doing any talking! [Jericho and JBL brawl]

2008

March 31

"Nature Boy" Ric Flair: WOOOO! Last night, I wrestled my very last match at WrestleMania. I will never, ever, wrestle in this ring again. [The crowd boos this] Please... please... I... I... I'm not sad about not wrestling. You shouldn't be sad about the fact that you're not gonna see me out here. You should rejoice in the fact that I HAVE HAD THE GREATEST WRESTLING CAREER IN THE HISTORY OF PRO WRESTLING! [The crowd erupts at this] And last night, even though I lost, I lost to a great, great, great wrestler and a better man! [The crowd boos at mention of Shawn Michaels] It's true... Rejoice in the fact that I have wrestled in front of more fans, raised more hell, had more fun, and loved all of you every day of my life! I swear to God! I've been teared up all day long with the thought of not being able to come out here anymore, but I'm off! I'm off, and I'm in a good place, and I love you! [As he speaks, "Thank you, Ric" chants start within the crowd] Please... Let me say to you, I wanna thank you for the memories, thank you for the support, and most of all, thank you all for making me who I am today. WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO! [begins to leave, until he is cut off by the music and arrival of Triple H]

Triple H: Ric, if you think these people here in Orlando are the only ones that want to say thank you, if you think that the millions of people watching on TV are the only ones that want to say thank you... well then, my friend, you've got another thing coming. [embraces Flair] Because I just... I had to come out here and I had to tell you something from the bottom of my heart... I love you, man. [shakes Flair's hand] And thank you. Thank you. [bows down to Flair and then embraces him again] Now, that takes care of me, but there are a few other people that wanted to say thank you too, and... there's one group of guys I started talking to earlier today, and it's the craziest thing, 'cause ever since I talked to them, my hand's been cramping up like this... [Makes a familiar sign; Flair smiles, knowing what this means. The sound of horses' hooves and whinnying only serve to confirm the obvious, as out come:] TULLY BLANCHARD! J.J. DILLON! ARN ANDERSON! BARRY WINDHAM! THE FOUR HORSEMEN!

Jim Ross: [As the aforementioned Horsemen enter the ring and embrace Flair] This will be the first time the Horsemen have been together since 1988. All four of them in the ring. [No further commentary is uttered.]

Triple H: [As he introduces each of the next seven individuals, that individual enters the ring to pay his respects to Flair] The Animal... and the Evolution, Ric, of Batista... Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat... The seven-time World Champion, Harley Race... Greg "The Hammer" Valentine... Another Horseman, Dean Malenko... Y2J, Chris Jericho... John Cena! [After Cena has paid his respects, "Leave The Memories Alone" by Fuel plays as:] Ric, here comes your family. Ric's wife Tiffany, Megan, David, Reid, and Ashley! [By this time, Flair is completely in tears as his wife and children enter the ring and embrace the Nature Boy. After the crowd reacts, they fall silent as Shawn Michaels, still clearly upset over retiring Flair the previous night, enters the ring. The two make up and embrace] Ric... First of all, I've gotta say: those are sweet watches. [pointing out the gold watches both Flair and Michaels are wearing] Those match; those are cool. Anyway... [laughs and taps the microphone] Is this still on? OK, that is... anyway, we could keep this going on all night because there's just so many people. But I'll tell you what: Anybody left that wants to come out here and say thank you to Ric Flair, come on out! ["...To Be Loved" by Papa Roach, then the Raw theme, plays as the locker room empties, line up on the ramp and chant "Thank you, Ric" with the audience]

June 9

[Chris Jericho has invited The "Heartbreak Kid", Shawn Michaels, onto his 'Highlight Reel' show. The fans have started an "HBK" chant]

Chris Jericho: HBK, I wanna thank you for coming onto the Highlight Reel tonight. It's obvious from your body language that it's not easy; you look like you're still feeling the effects from the beating you took at One Night Stand in the stretcher match. But those effects would be felt by anybody; you put on such a gutsy performance, Shawn, I mean, you showed so much heart, so much courage, you should be proud of yourself, and, I-I was - I was proud of you too, as a matter of fact, even though you lost that match, all of our fans around the world and even here tonight, they still love you! [the crowd cheers]

Shawn Michaels: I, uh...I appreciate all the kind words, but, um...you got a question in any of this?

Jericho: Yes, I do have a question, I'm gonna get to that, but first I wanna make a little observation. I mean, like we just heard, obviously our fans, they love you no matter what it is you do. [to the cheering fans] No matter what, right? Case in point, you feigned a knee injury for almost a month, you blatantly lied about it to me, you lied to Batista-

Michaels: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now...that might be splitting hairs here, but I was very clear about the fact that I was gonna do whatever it took to win...and I did that. I didn't lie to Batista, I didn't lie to the people. Technically, the only person I lied to was...you.

Jericho: All right, fair enough, I'll...I'll take that. Touché. Regardless of all that, when you finally admitted the truth and super-kicked me right in the face, you got cheered more than ever. I mean, it's... [off the cheers] see? I mean, I'm adored by the fans as well, but not even I could get away with that one. And when I pointed out your fabrication of the truth, suddenly I got booed. I mean...[the crowd boos] see? You pull a fast one on 'em and they adore you, and yet whenever I try to do the right thing, whether it be tell the truth or not hit you with a chair, not hit JBL with a chair, I got booed! You know, uh...it seems like our fans, even the ones here, would rather boo an honest man and cheer for you, I mean, it doesn't take much to get them to start chanting, "HBK". You know, it's..."HBK, HBK"! [the crowd chants "HBK" again] So that brings us to my question, and my question is this: how does Shawn Michaels, HBK, one of the greatest performers of all time and one of the most highly-decorated superstars in the history of this business, turn into such a lying, cheating, pathetic little worm of a human being? [the crowd boos again as suddenly Jericho attacks Michaels]

Jim Ross: Oh! And Jericho, assaulting Michaels!

Jerry "The King" Lawler [as Michaels tackles Jericho and fights back]: Whoa!

Jim: And the fireworks! Michaels and Jericho, overt physicality here on Monday Night Raw!

[Jericho then kicks Michaels in the groin]

Jerry: Oh! Uh-oh!

Jim: The obvious low blow, stopping Michaels dead in his tracks!

[Michaels tries to get up but Jericho shoves him back down to the canvas]

Jericho: You wanna lie to me? This is just what you're gonna see, buddy. This is all... [as Michaels writhes] this is all your fault. This is what you wanna do? You started all this, and now you're gonna start it again. [stands Michaels up] The worst is yet to come.

[throws Michaels face-first into his Jeri-tron 5000 monitor, shattering it]

Jerry: Oh, my God!

[Michaels groans in pain on the canvas as Jericho stares at him among the crowd's boos before leaving]

September 22

Chris Jericho: Leave it to HBK to once again attempt to rewrite history. Last week, HBK, in an effort to in his words, permanently disfigure me, and take my championship away, convinced Mike Adamle to make our match at No Mercy a World Heavyweight Championship ladder match. And then in another one of his typical multiple hypocritical lying statements that your hero HBK likes to make, Shawn claimed that he revolutionized the ladder match. And like the brainless sycophants that you are, the mindless sheep that you are, you all mindly believed what he said. Here's a news flash for ya. Just 'cause Shawn Michaels says something doesn't mean that it's true. And conversely, when Chris Jericho tells you something, you know that it's real because I am an honest man. I am a good man. And I always tell the truth. And here's some truth for you right now. I have won three separate championships in a ladder match. I have won more ho, high-profile ladder matches than Shawn Michaels has ever appeared in in his entire life. And here's some more truth for ya. At No Mercy, when the match is through, the very last thing you will all see is this. [Jericho unhooks the World Heavyweight Championship from above the ring] Chris Jericho, still the World Heavyweight Champion.

October 27

Lilian Garcia: Ladies and gentlemen, the former World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Jericho! [Chris Jericho angrily looks at Lilian]

Chris Jericho: What happened last night at Cyber Sunday was the biggest screwjob in WWE history. Mike Adamle wanted Batista to be the champion, so he did everything in his power to make it happen, and all of you were happy to oblige him! You voted in Stone Cold Steve Austin, you couldn't picked an un, more biased referee in the entire planet! Austin changed the rules in the middle of this match. He put his hands on me repeatedly, he tried to bully me, he tried to intimidate me, and worst of all, he didn't count to three when I had the match won, and now as a result, Batista is the new World Heavyweight Champion. [crowd cheers, then chants "you suck"] If I was Batista, I would be embarrassed to call myself a champion. I would be ashamed to call myself a champion. Because Batista did not beat Chris Jericho. No, no. It took an entire army to beat me, from Batista to Michaels to Steve Austin to Mike Adamle to every single one of you hypocrites here tonight. You were all involved in this conspiracy against me. And now Mike Adamle wants to make a tag team match for the main event tonight. That's fine, I am DYING to get my hands on Shawn Michaels and Batista again tonight. But I'll tell you something else. That's not good enough. I need more. I need more. And I have a championship rematch clause and I will use it next week. Next week, I will beat Batista and regain what's mine and once again be the World Heavyweight Champion, and there is nothing that any one of you can do about this. [Mike Adamle's music hits]

Jerry Lawler: Oh man! Jericho is a bitter, sour former champion! [Mike Adamle comes out]

Michael Cole: Our general manager, Mike Adamle.

Lawler: Oh Adamle looks happy.

Mike Adamle: Chris, I need you to hang on a second. I just want to tell you a little something right now. In order to ensure that there's no outside interference in that championship match against Batista, I have decided to make it a steel cage match.

2009

January 26

Randy Orton: My name is Randy Orton. And I would like to introduce my lawyers and therapist, and the other members of Legacy, Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase. Now the reason why I am out here is to discuss the events that happened last week on Raw. Now as all of you know, I am a third-generation superstar. The WWE is in my blood, it is a part of me. But, unfortunately, something else is a part of me. Something that I have been living with for quite some time. It's called IED. Intermittent explosive disorder. [the therapist hands him a note] IED affects 16 million Americans. It is a mental condition, where the individual, when sufficiently provoked, suffers a loss of control, resulting in outbursts of physical violence. After being slapped by Stephanie McMahon, and having my job threatened by Mr. McMahon, I had become sufficiently provoked. [returns the note to the therapist] Now you all saw my face after it was all over. I was not responsible for my actions. My therapist, my therapist can confirm that the WWE knew of my condition, but did nothing about it, which is why if Stephanie McMahon chooses to fire me tonight, I will sue her and World Wrestling Entertainment. But that is just the first lawsuit. There happenes to be a second. Last night, I won the 2009 Royal Rumble. Proving that I am more superior than everyone in this company. Which is why I will sue for breach of contract if I do not get what I am legally entitled to, and that is to compete in the main event at WrestleMania. So how does that sound, Stephanie? If you choose to fire me tonight, not only will you be faced with two separate lawsuits, but you're gonna lose Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. Because they have both vowed to me that they will walk, they will walk if I am fired tonight and let's face it. Let's face it Stephanie. With the three of us gone, when it comes to superstars on the Raw roster, well, there'll, there'll virtually be none left. Now, that that has been said, I have one more piece of business to attend to. [a lawyer hands him a note] I do apologize for the trauma that befell Mr. McMahon last week. I apologize for the trauma that his family is now suffering. As a father of a newborn, I now recognize and appreciate the anguish the McMahon family must be experiencing. My hope is we can put this ugly incident behind us and move forward. [crowd chants "you suck"] Again, I am a man of honor. I offer my sincerest apologies to Mr. McMahon, to his family, and to all of you. Thank you.

2010

January 11

The Miz: [outside the WWE Superstars Locker Room] When I first came to World Wrestling Entertainment, not a single person respected me. Not anyone out in the WWE universe, and not anyone in the WWE locker room. Everybody wanted to get rid of me. Nobody could stand me! They made my life a living hell. As a matter of fact, in this very locker room I got kicked out for eating a piece of chicken over a referee’s bag and spilling some crumbs.

[Walks away] For 6 months, 6 months, I was banned from the WWE locker room. I would have to find a place to change, a place to shower, a place to use the restroom. I walked down these halls and see superstars like JBL. And everyday that JBL saw me, he would sarcastically say, "Miz, I look forward to your amazing work! Miz, you are a gift from God, Miz!"

Everybody berated me. Everybody ridiculed me. Everybody wanted me to quit. But all that negativity, I used as fuel to ignite a wrath against everyone in the WWE to become the star I am today. Now I don't even go in that locker room because I have a private dressing room just for me. That locker room is for the Evan Bournes and the MVPs. [He is now on the arena floor] The same MVP that is the #1 contender for the United States Championship. So congratulations, MVP. You have earned the right to join a long list of people to get publicly humiliated by me.

MVP doesn't even deserve to be in the same ring as me. [He is now in the ring] If it was up to me, MVP would still be in jail. I don't believe in second chances, because I have been perfect my entire life. Yet you mistakes all still boo me and cheer him. Well, go ahead, boo me, cheer MVP, I don't care. I'd rather you all hate me for everything I am, than love me for something I'm not! I am the reason you people watch Monday Night Raw, not MVP! I am the most captivating and entertaining superstar on this brand, not MVP!

MVP comes out here with his glitz and glam, his pyro, his ballin'. He's got Breitling diamond watches, designer suits. That's great MVP, because let's face facts, MVP. You could put diamonds on a dog, but it's still a mutt. All you mistakes will respect me, everybody in that locker room will respect their United States Champion! Because I'm The Miz...and I'm...AWESOME!

February 22

[one night after Shawn Michaels cost the Undertaker the World Heavyweight Championship at Elimination Chamber]

Shawn Michaels: I am not going to take up a lot of your time tonight, because my explanation for my actions last night really isn't all that complicated. I did what I had to do, I did what I needed to do. Now I understand that what I've done isn't really all that popular with many of you but, that is something that I am willing to live with. And I've heard the, the rumors about the Undertaker possibly being here tonight and I also understand that for every action, there must be a reaction. With regard to the Undertaker, I'm not just hoping for a reaction. I'm counting on it. Because there is absolutely no one that can possib -- [The Undertaker's music hits]

Jerry Lawler: Ask and you shall receive. You all wondered if the Undertaker would be here. Now we know. [The Undertaker comes out]

Michael Cole: Cut the tension with a knife.

The Undertaker: You wanted my attention? Now you have it.

Shawn: Last year, people said we had the greatest match in WrestleMania history. Some people even said it was the greatest match ever. As flattering as that is, you have to understand, I wrestled a perfect match. I, I nearly wrestled a perfect match. I made one mistake, ONE MISTAKE, and it cost me everything. You better, than anybody should know that's something I cannot live with. I asked you, I, I begged you for a rematch, but you refused. You ignored me. You didn't leave me any choice, and that's why I cost you the World Heavyweight Championship. I know you're angry at me. I know as you stand there, you can't wait to get your hands on me. And that's okay. You want your revenge. Face me at WrestleMania, Undertaker, and get your revenge.

The Undertaker: You're on. I accept. [Shawn prepares to leave the ring] ...on one condition. This year, you have to put up something as well. Your soul...this year won't be enough. If you defeat me, you end the streak. But, if I beat you, your career is over. That's it, Shawn. The streak versus your career.

Shawn: You don't get it. If I can't beat you at WrestleMania, I have no career. You're on.

September 27

Edge: Well tonight folks, we have a first. Tonight, as my guest on the Cutting Edge, we have the Anonymous Raw GM. [the Anonymous Raw General Manager's laptop is in the ring] Now despite our acrimonious relationship, I actually do appreciate the GM agreeing to appear as a guest on my show. And I understand that this computer has been electronically transmitting this voice, so that's what it will continue to do, so as to keep this person's identity a secret. Now, with that being said, I think it's time to ask the first question. I, I need to ask you exactly, Raw GM, why are you such a spineless coward?

Anonymous Raw General Manager's voice: Why are you such a moron? I remain anonymous to protect my identity. If people knew who I really was, it would change everything.

Edge: Okay first of all, that's the worst voice ever. Se, [stammers] second of all, I thought, I thought you were Stone Cold Steve Austin, or or or, I thought you were The Rock, or maybe Shawn Michaels. Or Bob Barker. [stammers] Judging by your decision making, you're Lindsay Lohan after another bender. The only thing I know is, is that whoever you are, you are a big fat liar.

Anonymous Raw General Manager's voice: Seriously, Edge. You hurt my feelings. Why do you have to hate, yo? I try to make peace with you, but you clearly don't want that. You want a confrontation. Why? Why do you despise me so?

Edge: Why do you despise me?! Why do you keep interfering in my business? Why - why am I arguing with a computer? We've gone from Stone Cold stunning Mr. McMahon on Raw to Edge arguing with a computer. You know what? That's it. I'm just gonna go ask Chris Jericho exactly who you are.

Anonymous Raw General Manager's voice: Jericho is bluffing. He knows nothing. However, I know a lot of things. Like your opponent...right now. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Edge: Hahaha? I, I don't have an opponent tonight! You know what, I, I talk to people. I'm sick of talking to an overgrown Speak 'n' Spell. I'm outta here.

Anonymous Raw General Manager's voice: But wait. You do have an opponent tonight, Edge. I have scheduled a match right now between you and this man. [John Cena's music hits]

November 22

The Miz: I told you. I told you all. I...told...you...all I would be Champion!

---

CM Punk: You thought Randy Orton and Wade Barrett was the story; you thought John Cena being fired was the story; and then The Miz, Mr. Money in the Bank, comes out, cashes in, and he tells the world that he is the true story. He is the WWE Champion.

Michael Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, the Era of Awesomeness has begun on Monday Night Raw!

2011

February 21

Michael Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, from one Hall of Famer to another, because in just a few moments, I am going to interview Jerry "The King" Lawler. Now for those of you who think that Jerry and I may fight, that's not gonna happen, because the General Manager has ruled if we touch one another, we'll both be terminated. But what I'm going to do is be the bigger man here. I'm going to let bygones be bygones because I am indeed a journalist. And despite what Jerry Lawler has said to me over the years, I'm going to conduct a professional interview because I am indeed the voice of the WWE. Beside Mr. McMahon in his early days, I'm better than Gordon Solie ever was. I'm, I'm better than Gorilla Monsoon. I'm surely better than Jim Ross. And I am indeed better than Jerry "The King" Lawler. So ladies and gentlemen, many of you may not know this, but I am indeed a former war correspondent and an award-winning broadcast journalist. So up next, I am going to put those journalist skills, well, on stage here tonight. Because I'm going to interview Jerry Lawler, and all I can ask of you is for your attention, please.

[after the commercial break]

Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry "The King" Lawler. [Jerry Lawler comes out]

Josh Mathews: Cole stated earlier tonight that he's going to do his job. He's going to be a professional. He's going to ask King the perfect questions, but it needs to go on record before this interview is conducted, that Jerry Lawler put forth a valiant effort last night, and was half a second away at times of becoming the WWE Champion for the first time ever, and defeating The Miz.

Cole: Jerry, I know it's been a rough 24 hours for you, so I'm just gonna get right to the point. I want to know what it was like, what it was like for you to, to get ready for your WWE Championship match at Elimination Chamber. To know what you were feeling inside, knowing you had an opportunity at WrestleMania. Did you have butterflies? Were you, were you sick to your stomach a little bit, knowing this was your moment? That this was the great moment of your career? Jerry, how did you feel leading into that match? [Lawler doesn't answer] Okay, I can understand you're not wanting to answer that question, but perhaps you'll answer this one. How did it feel last night when you realized that your dreams were gonna be shattered? When you rearil, realized that you were going to lose to the most must-see WWE Champion in history, the awesome Miz? When you realized you weren't going to WrestleMania? How did you feel? Did you finally think that, hey maybe it's time I retire? Maybe Michael Cole's right? Maybe it is the time that I, that I hang up my boots, for good? Did you think that at all last night after you lost? [Lawler doesn't answer] Okay, perhaps you'll answer this question then. When you were in this ring last night, and you were lying on your back, and The Miz was on top of you and the referee counted one, two, three, and you were staring up at the lights in the arena, and you were staring through that roof, and you were staring into the heavens, and you realized that your deceased mother, [crowd boos] no disrespect, no disrespect, but when you realized that your mother had the best seat in the house, when you realized that your dreams of WrestleMania were over, how did you feel Jerry, when you realized that you let your mother down? [Lawler grabs Cole]

Jerry Lawler: Michael Cole, if you ever mention my mother again, it'll be the last thing you ever say. Now I have sat out here for weeks while you've called me an old man and you sang the phrases of your thumb-sucking friends. Just remember this Cole. I've forgotten more about this day than you or they will ever know. That you say I'll never compete at WrestleMania? Well I say you're wrong. Because you see Cole, I've got a way in and I don't care if it gets me fired. I'm issuing a WrestleMania challenge, me versus you! [crowd cheers as Lawler lets Cole go] What do you say to that, Cole? Me versus you, what do you say?

Cole: I'll tell, I'll tell you what I say! You're a senile old man! That's what you are! You're senile! You'll never get me in the ring, ever! [Cole walks out of the ring]

Lawler: Oh no, ho ho ho ho oh no.

Cole: I'm back here, I'm doing my job!

Lawler: Cole, you wanna run your mouth every week out here like you're a tough guy?

Cole: No I'm gonna do my job.

Lawler: Here's your chan, here's your chance to prove it. You and me, Cole! Be a man! Show everybody what you got! What about it Cole? Are you gonna be a man, or are you just a gutless yellow coward? [Cole slams his headset down] Oh yeah. [Cole splashes water in Lawler's face and Lawler chases Cole through the crowd]

April 11

Edge: You may to have to bear with me a little bit. I’m probably gonna ramble and not make much sense, but just please bear with me. A lot of people think that the WWE doesn't hurt. That what we do, maybe it’s done with smoke and mirrors, and I wish that were true. But anybody in that locker room, anybody who has ever stepped foot in here, laced up a pair of boots—they know that’s not the case.

Which brings me to what I am about to tell you. Eight years ago, I broke my neck. I had spinal fusion surgery, which means they move your throat over, they put a plate in there, and screws, and it’s really in-depth surgery. But because of that surgery, I knew that I was...I was wrestling on borrowed time from that point on. So fast forward, and...the last, the last little while, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I...I’ve been losing feeling in my arms. So...I passed strength tests and all of those things, and I made it through WrestleMania. But the WWE wanted me to go get more tests. And thankfully I did, because the MRI showed that...that I have to retire. [The crowd is visibly shocked] I mean, trust me, it’s not my choice. The doctors have told me that I got no choice. And thankfully, they found out because I’m not gonna end up in a wheelchair now.

[The crowd starts cheering for him, chanting "Thank you, Edge."]

This is a little bit tougher than I thought it was gonna be. So, you know...thank you, guys.

I’ll tell ya, this has been an emotional roller coaster of a week for me and I’m not going to lie. I felt sorry for myself. I...until I talked to Christian. And for those of you who don’t know, Christian has been my best friend for 27 years. And you see I was angry, I was angry at myself, I was angry at my body. Because I felt like there’s a lot of people in this company that depend on me, and I felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was letting you guys down. But then, you know, I was upset too, because I did not feel like I was ending this on my terms. But he reminded me that, that I have competed my whole career on my terms.

I...you know, I’m still like all of you. I am a huge fan of the WWE. Every month, Christian and I would go down to the Maple Leaf Gardens and we would watch all of our favorites. We would watch The Legion of Doom, we’d watch Demolition, we’d watch...we’d watch Hulk Hogan, we’d watch all of them and just be enthralled. And then I went to WrestleMania VI and I watched Hulk Hogan against The Ultimate Warrior, and I said, “I’m doing this one day.” And you know what? Fast forward a whole bunch of years, and I’m main eventing WrestleMania against The Undertaker. There’s no way I ever would have dreamed of that. There’s no way if you told me when I was eleven years old that I would win more championships than anyone in the history of this company, no way I would've believed you. And if you had told me that my last match would be at WrestleMania in one of the main events defending the World Heavyweight Championship, and that I’d be retiring as the World Heavyweight Champion. Man, I couldn't dream of a better way to go out. I really couldn't.

You know, I...I started in the WWE when I was 23. I mean, I have been doing this for 19 years, 14 of them with the WWE. My first match was May 10th, 1996 at Hamilton’s Copps Coliseum. And...I was 23 years old, and I feel like I've grown up in front of all of you. I feel like I've made a whole lot of mistakes in front of you. I've learned from them, and I've become a man in front of you. I've gone from being the silent guy running around the streets of New York with a trench coat that was way too small for him, to a pseudo-vampire in The Brood, to one of the funny, goofy guys along with Christian, posing for the benefit of those with flash photography. I became one of the most despised guys in the history of the WWE. As a matter of fact, I got thrown in the Long Island Sound. I had a live sex celebration, thankfully with Lita and not Vickie Guerrero. And I would hope that through it all, I've earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. And I hope that I've earned all of your respect. Because no matter what, no matter what, I came out here and I tried to give you guys as much as I had every single night. And in turn, you guys gave it right back to me.

So, I’m gonna miss all of this. All of it. I’m gonna miss that reaction when I hear my music and I come out on the ramp. It’s like a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart from you guys, and it’s amazing. I can’t describe it. But, that being said, I don’t have to wear tights tomorrow and I am gonna go eat a whole lot of ice cream tonight. But if you asked me if I would do all of this again. All the way back from getting hired by J.R. If you asked me if I’d travel all the roads, log all the miles, hop on all the flights, all the sleepless nights, all the surgeries, all of the injuries, the metal rods in my teeth, all of it. If you asked me if I’d do it again…in a heartbeat. So, thank you, thank you very much.

June 20

CM Punk: July 17, 2011 will be the most historic day, not only in the career of CM Punk, it's gonna be a historic day for the WWE as a whole. Not only is July 17 the second annual Money in the Bank ladder match pay-per-view, it's the night I defeat John Cena for the WWE Championship. And now, here's that honesty I was talking about, that honesty that's probably gotten me in trouble more times than I like to admit. The brutal honesty I'm known for. July 17 is the day my contract with World Wrestling Entertainment comes to an end. That means when the clock strikes midnight, the 17 becomes the 18, Sunday bleeds into Monday, I'm leaving. And trust me when I tell you. I am leaving with the WWE Championship.

June 27

CM Punk: John Cena, while you lay there hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest. I don't hate you, John. I don't even dislike you. I do like you; I like you a hell lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best...because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good at kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne though—he's a pretty good ass-kisser, always was and still is. [Turns to camera and waves] Whoops, I'm breaking the fourth wall.

I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best ever since day one when I walked into this company, and I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split just like I'm splitting, but the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.

I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that—they're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I'm the best on this microphone, in that ring, even at commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show! I'm not on Conan O'Brien, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be; and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that Dwayne is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!

[Turns to the fans] Oh, hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else, because you're the ones that are sipping out of those collector cups right now; you're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of, and then at 5:00 in the morning at the airport, you try and shove it in my face so you can get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job!

I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17, and hell, who knows? Maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. [Waves to camera] Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone, you're still gonna pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel, the wheel's gonna keep turning and I understand that. But Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? It's 'cause he surrounds himself with glad-handing, nonsensical douchebag yes-men like John Laurinaitis who's gonna tell him everything that he wants to hear. And I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon's dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family! Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon. All right. We're doing this whole bullying campaign...[The mic cuts off]

July 11

CM Punk: You wanna have fun? Let's have fun.

Mr. McMahon: [on the contract] I've got everything in here you want...

CM Punk: Because my lawyers looked over your contract, Vince, and frankly, it just wasn't up to par, so I had them draw up a new one. I have it right here; my signature's already on it, all you've got to do is sign it. I...do think you should know about a couple new perks that I've added to it. You say you don't think contractual things should happen in public? Let's ask the WWE Universe—you people want this to go down in public? [The crowd cheers] You wanna hear a couple new perks?

Mr. McMahon: Don't push me.

Audience member: What?

CM Punk: He said, "don't push me." Did you already look at this? Did somebody stooge this off? Because this is actually provision #1—[pushes McMahon in his seat] that I get to push you. Vince, I'll push you all I want..Vince, I'll kick you in the nuts and you'll smile at me and like it, and show me some respect! Because if you don't, I find the nearest paper shredder, I throw this puppy in there, and Sunday, I leave with your WWE Championship.

Provision #1—for a Superstar such as myself, first class travel is not good enough. I want my own jet. And I don't want your jet—your jet smells, don't try to pawn that thing off on me—I want my own jet.

[Provision] #2—my face will be on everything. I want my face on the TitanTron, I want my face on these turnbuckles, I want cups, posters, spoons, knives, forks, shoes, socks. I want everything with my face on it; number-one thing I want you to bring back—the WWE Ice Cream Bars. [The crowd cheers and chants "WE WANT ICE CREAM!"] Look at that, I just made you a million dollars in ice cream sales.

I want WWE Films to immediately start production on CM Punk: The Movie! You can call it The Chaperone 2, except mine will be funny and entertaining and successful.

And one last thing—the main event of WrestleMania being John Cena against your buddy Dwayne? That's The Rock, for nobody who watches bad Disney movies. You can still have that little fantasy, but the match that I compete in at WrestleMania will be the main event.

Those are just a few of many new perks that my lawyers have added to the contract. The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you will apologize to me for suspending me last week; you will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not just apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you are one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and you will apologize. I have had friends, very talented friends, work for this company and be unceremoniously fired.

Mr. McMahon: They deserved it!

CM Punk: They deserved it? They deserved it? Why? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011?! You don't know what these people want?! You wanna punish people for actually liking professional wrestling, guys like Colt Cabana and guys like Luke Gallows?! Huh?! You will apologize to me, for them, because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard! I am CM Punk, and I am the voice of the voiceless, and you will apologize, and you will like it!

---

CM Punk: I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me. Say I've lost sight? I've lost sight of things, John? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I don't fit a certain mold. Because I am the underdog, and that's exactly what you've lost sight of. Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that they used to look at you and think that the kid couldn't hang. And now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang. John, I was hanging off of your gangster car, WrestleMania 22, as it rolled down in Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit looking as ridiculous as [points to Vince McMahon] that man looks right now in his suit, holding a phony Tommy gun, and I said to myself someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring; I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk. And now here we are in your hometown of Boston. And now next week, we'll be back there in my hometown—Chicago, Illinois. And this...this is the part where I talk 'em into the building. See, you are the one that's lost sight, and I apologize for raising my voice because I'm not that guy. But when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time Champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect; who, from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors, the same colors as your beloved Red Sox, who also portray themselves as the underdog, I'm sure just like the Bruins portray themselves as the underdog. Just like the Patriots think they're the underdog! Hey, how about those Celtics? Are they the underdogs too? Here's what you've lost sight of, John, and I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sitting in the front row so they can hear it!

John Cena: That's the last time I'm gonna tell you, ease up.

CM Punk: What you've lost sight of is what you are, and what you are is what you hate. You're the 10-time WWE Champion! You're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the Champ is here. You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty. You are what you hate. You have become the New York Yankees! [John immediately punches Punk, who scoots out of the ring, grabs the contract, and goes up the ramp. Points respectively to Vince and John] You're Steinbrenner, and you might as well be Jeter! Mr. 3000, I'm the underdog! [John's music plays for fourteen seconds] Turn it off! Turn the music off because I have something to say, and I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it, and everybody sitting at home has their DVRs fired up because they wanna hear it! I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John. I'm glad it went down this way because it hit me like a bolt of lightning—exactly why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So ladies and gentlemen of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE Title, say goodbye to John Cena, and say goodbye to CM Punk! [Rips up the contract] I'll go be the best in the world somewhere else.

July 18

John Cena: Relax, relax, relax, relax. I'm not gonna go on a profanity-ridden tirade. You don't need a seven-second-delay, Kevin. I'm not gonna show my genitalia. I'm not gonna talk bad about your family or your company. And I know exactly what you're about to do, and I'm okay with it. Because I'm not gonna have to go through the same things that you made Shawn Michaels go through. Shawn Michaels, the best performer ever to step in this ring. But you made him bent over backwards and for all that he accomplished, for all of his achievements, for years, all they said about HBK was that he screwed Bret! No matter how many championships he won, no matter how many times he stopped the show, he carried that burden, and it began to define him, and he had to take it with him his entire career. And you know what? I thought about that a lot last week, Vince, and I put myself in his shoes. If I was in his shoes, would I want to be the guy who screwed Bret? Would I want to be the guy that screwed CM Punk? My answer was no.

I knew exactly what was at stake. I asked for the match. The WWE Championship, my career. But there was more than that. There was more than just John Cena vs. CM Punk in a classic. It was about you. It was about you wanting to keep your little bubble intact - your little universe in one piece. Nobody can embarrass Vince McMahon. And to do that, you thought you needed somebody to play ball, and I was gonna be your patsy. No way! And I know I'm not supposed to say his name, but, Punk, if you are out there watching: It was one hell of a match last night, son. Thank you so much.

[over Vince's protests] Hey, hey, hey, listen. You put me in a position to make a decision. You wanted the match thrown out. I don't do business like that. You're a businessman, you got your way of doin' business. I do my business a certain way, I am not gonna play along with that crap because you would have made the WWE Championship meaningless. So here's the skinny. I had a great career here. And he says he can make another one of me. Fine, Vince, go ahead. Make one, make ten. I don't care. I've even given you some time. You have eight months—-give or take a few days—-to find another opponent for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson at WrestleMania XXVIII. I'm not an idiot, Vince. You'll do some hocus-pocus and you'll find somebody for Dwayne, and WrestleMania will go off without a hitch as if I was never even here. I get it. Meanwhile I get to walk outta here with my pride and my dignity.

So before we get into the formalities and the big Vince-McMahon-walk and the whole speech, which I'm gonna let you do. Go ahead. It's what they know you for. I just need to tell you something. And I want this to sink in. I love the WWE and I truly believe I belong here. And, man, I hate saying this. But if you're about to tell me that I'm not welcome here, if you're about to tell me that I have no other option, I love this. This is what I do. And if you make me walk tonight, then I will walk on someone else's television show and keep doing this, brother! That is no threat, that is a promise. And here's the skinny. There's a lot people out there that say I do a lot of things. But I prove tonight that one thing I will not do is kiss your ass!

---

[Triple H appears as Vince seeks to fire John Cena]

Triple H: Vince. Sorry I got here as quickly as I could. There was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, last night we flew from Chicago here. When I got there, I received a phone-call. I got back on the jet and I flew to the office, where there was a board of directors' meeting this morning. Vince, the board asked me to come here to talk to you. They are concerned about the current situation. Can we just go and talk about this in the back, please? I tried to get out here, Vince, before you came to the ring, but I didn't make it. More specifically, the board is concerned about you. Don't get me wrong. They completely understand you have built the global empire. All of this, every single bit of it is because of you and your vision. That's a given. But at the same point in time, Vince, the board is concerned about your extremely questionable - their term, their words - extremely questionable decisions as of late. Vince, the board has asked me to come here to tell you, that they have filed an injunction against you with the vote of no-confidence. And Vince, the family agrees.

On top of that, Vince, the board has appointed someone to take over the day-to-day operations of the WWE. And — I can't — I can't even believe I'm gonna say this, but Vince, it's me. [audience chants for Cena] Vince, you're not gonna fire John Cena. You're not gonna be doing anything else. Vince, you taught me from day one - from day one - that nobody is bigger than this business. Nobody. And this is just business. I can't even believe I'm gonna say this and Vince this is with all due respect: I am here to inform you — that, Vince, you are relieved of your duties. ["Hey, Goodbye' chants, Vince is evidently sad] Please — understand. I did not wanna do this. I'm tryin' to do what's right for the business. Look at me — Look at me! I love you, pa! And I'm sorry. [leaves Vince]

August 8

[At CM Punk and John Cena's Undisputed Title match contract signing for SummerSlam, Triple H makes asides to Punk not showing up when needed]

CM Punk: Wait a minute, I'm gutless, I'm a phony, I'm gutless? Let's analyze that, who fires people around here, [points at HHH] you or Funkman [points at John Laurinaitis] over here, huh? Who, let me ask you a question, Johnny Funkman. You personally face to face, fire Vladimir Kozlov on Friday? Huh did you fly yourself to Florida to tell Harry Smith - yes, his name his Harry Smith, not David Hart Smith that he was no longer needed here, huh? Did you tell Chris Masters - somebody who has worked his ass off to get better, did you fire him face to face or did you call him up and say "hey kid, it's a budget thing. Best of luck on your future endeavors" - don't call me gutless! You have him do your dirty work! This isn't about him [John Laurinaitis] This isn't about you. [HHH]

2012

February 27

Chris Jericho: Listen, I know you've got a big match, Champion vs. Champion, but what I have to say is a little bit more important. Before I say it, let me preface it by saying one thing. I think you're an amazing performer, Punk. I think you're very, very good. As a matter of fact, you're one of my favorites, but you're not as good as I am. You're not as good as me. You're not the best in the world at everything you do, and you know it.

You see, I never had to call myself the best in the world; other people said it for me. These people said it for me. And I never had to write it on the back of a t-shirt; they would write it on signs and bring it to the arena. And the reason for that is this—I am part of a special breed of performers. I am one of a literal dying breed of performers that toured the world, honing our craft, learning our skills, becoming stars before we ever got to the WWE. A breed that cared more about having the best match on the show than personal politics, didn't care what the hierarchy thought of us, what position we were slotted in, what we were supposed to be. A breed of performers that were given nothing and took everything. And yeah, I developed a chip on my shoulder because of it; and yeah, I got a bad attitude and a bad reputation in the back with the powers that be because of it; but I didn't give a damn because I knew I was good. I knew I was the best.

And now, Punk, you're just like me. You're a maverick, a rebel that went against the grain and became something more than anybody thought that you would. But in translation, that's because you just want to be me. You're a Chris Jericho wannabe, just like all these Chris Jericho wannabes, and it's so obviously...[to the booing crowd] oh yeah, you know it's true. It's so obviously blatant by the fact that you plagiarize me every step of the way...

CM Punk: Stop. Stop. Just stop.

Chris Jericho: Don't you tell me to stop, boy. I'm talking to you.

CM Punk: And I'm listening, but I think everybody else is sick of listening, so I'm gonna go ahead. Look, Chris, I know how good you are, these people know how good you are. My problem I have with you is you coming out here and insinuating that I've stolen anything from you. No, I've never plagiarized anything in my life. Everything I have, [holding up WWE Championship] I've fought for and I've earned. It's right here.

You think you invented saying that you were the best? Are you kidding me? There's a guy I remember watching when I was a kid—you probably watched him when you were a kid, too—his name's Bret "Hitman" Hart, the best there is, [crowd says it with him] the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Did you invent that? Did you give that to him when you were, what, two years old? Huh? He's Canadian too. Did you invent him being Canadian? Did you invent Canada?

Chris Jericho: Oh, yeah, laugh along. Laugh it up with Punk. Laugh along with Punk. Very nice. Because it's oh so typical, Punk. So smarmy, sarcastic, never taking anything too seriously, right? Well you need to take me seriously, Punk, 'cause this is a whole different level. A whole different level from anything that you've ever had before. Because like I said, this isn't some kind of gimmick. I am the best in the world at everything I do, and I prove it every night as I have for the last 22 years. Staying on the highest level of any performer in the history of this business. [to the crowd] You can boo if you want, but you know it's the damn truth.

I have faced every legend, every Hall-of-Fame, future Hall-of-Fame performer in this ring and beaten them all. I've won dozens of championships, I've had dozens of classic matches, classic WrestleMania steal-the-show matches, dozens of moments that will be legendary long after either one of us are gone. [Crowd chants "CM Punk!"] You can chant it all you want, but I am not just telling you, I am proving to you with all the evidence that standing right in front of you is the literal, undeserved, undoubtful best in the world at everything I do!

CM Punk: You know, you keep saying that, and your words just scream superiority. But I watch you and the way you walk out here and the inflection in your voice and certainly your body language—it screams inferiority. Who you trying to prove? You're trying to prove to me that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to these people that you're the best, or are you trying to prove to yourself that you're the best? I say I'm the best in the world, and yeah, that's a little cocky, but confidence is nothing that I've ever lacked, and it's nothing I thought you lacked. But now that confidence, Chris, seems to be replaced with jealousy.

You look at me and you see a guy that emerged from the same shadows you did. He came from the same places you did, he overcame the same obstacles you did. But now he's surpassed everything that you did, didn't he? Because sure, you beat legends. You beat the Stone Cold and you beat Rock in the same night ten years ago, and that made you the WWE Champion. But you were never really the man, like how I'm the man, were you? And that just bothers you a little bit, doesn't it? You have a Napoleon clompl—complex because of it, so you come back and you try to point fingers and place the blame. The blame's only on you.

See, you say that you're the best in the world at what you do, and I say that I'm the best wrestler in the world. The distinction, to me, is very simple. This is nothing I chose, I was born this way. This is who I am, this is what I do, while you choose to leave and write books and have a radio show and be on game shows, and you choose to be a rock star. And all the while, I'm here ON TOP, swimming with sharks while you're dancing with stars!

Chris Jericho: When I was dancing with stars, Punk, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than you ever were, all I could of was one thing, and that was you ripping me off. Every single night, you ripping me off, Punk. And let me be completely clear and honest with you. All of those January 2nd vignettes and the "best in the world" verbiage and this light-up, flashy, fancy jacket—it's all window dressing. Because I came back to the WWE for one reason and one reason only, and that was to embarrass you on the biggest stage in the world, to take back what is mine, to beat you for that World Title at WrestleMania, and shove down your throat that I am the best in the world at what I do! I prove it, I claim it, I AM IT EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!

CM Punk: Well, that's all you had to say. When you came back, you didn't have to jump me to get my attention. All you had to do was grab me and say, "hey, Punk! Me and you, best in the world vs. best in the world at WrestleMania!"

See, this is the time of year everybody points at that sign, but I'm gonna point at my Championship title, because to me, I don't need Chris Brown and you don't need Mickey Rourke, and we don't need all the pyro in the world or inflatable letters to tell everybody how awesome we are, and I don't need a fancy entrance, and screw your stupid Lite-Brite jacket! The only thing we need is me and you in a ring, and on April 1st, we're gonna find out exactly who the best in the world is. Because to me, those are the only ingredients we need in the recipe to have what quite possibly could be the greatest wrestling match in WrestleMania history. But see, I have something you covet, and I say come and get it. And at the end of the night, when you're looking over your shoulder on the ramp and you see this, [Puts down the mic and yells to the crowd] "Best in the world!!!" [Picks the mic back up and resumes talking to Jericho] It's not gonna be the end of the world, it's just gonna be the end of yours.

March 12

Chris Jericho: Yeah, congratulations. Way to go, Punk, way to go. Congratulations on your big win. You need to enjoy them while you can. You see, you can smirk if you want to, but I see straight through you. When I look at you, I see a fraud. And I'm not talking about the fact that you call yourself the best in the world, I'm talking about you as a person. Because I did a little research this week, Punk, and I found something, a little deep, dirty, dark secret about you. You've been straight edge ever since you came to the WWE, but you've never explained the reasons why. I wanna tell all of these wannabes why you're straight edge. I wanna tell them that you're straight edge because your father is an alcoholic.

Yeah, that's right. Your father was an alcoholic who let you down every step of the way when you were growing up, and it terrifies you. You don't want to end up like him. But it's inevitable that you will, because alcohol is in your blood, it's in your genes, it's part of who you are, and that tortures you. I know you've built this facade, this wall that you're a sarcastic antihero with not a care in the world, but I think I've found something that you care about. I've found something that gives you nightmares, something that terrifies you.

And isn't it ironic that the very alcohol that you crave is the same thing that ruined your childhood? Oh, the nightmares you must have about your father; I almost feel bad for you, Punk. Is that the reason why you have all those tattoos? Was the pain of wanting to drink so bad that you needed the pain of a tattoo needle to take it out of your mind? Was that your only solace?

It doesn't matter if it is, Punk, because you are going to drink eventually, and I'm the one who is going to make you drink. At WrestleMania XXVIII, I'm going to take away your title, I'm gonna take away your claims of being the best in the world, I'm gonna take away your bravado, and I'm gonna leave you a broken man. You're gonna hit bottom, Punk, and when you do, you're going to embrace your destiny, and you're gonna take a drink. And it's gonna taste so good that you're gonna wanna take another one, and another one, and another one. After April 1st, I'm gonna be recognized for who I am—the undisputed best in the world and the new WWE Champion. And you're gonna be recognized for who you are, who your father was—a pathetic damn drunk!

May 14

[John Laurinaitis has cost Big Show a match against Kane]

John Laurinaitis: Look at you Show! Get up and talk to me like a man! [Big Show gets up] Show! Look at me. Look into my eyes, okay? Here we are. You decided last week to make fun of my voice? You think that's smart to do to your leader, your boss? The man in charge? Are you trying to set an example for the back so that everybody in the locker room can do the same and make fun of me? Well I'm not gonna take it. I'm demanding an apology, and I want an apology right now, and it better be good, or I'm gonna fire you. [Big Show calls for a microphone]

Big Show: Johnny. I've been thinking long and hard about what I'm gonna say to you tonight. I just, I want you to know something. When I broke into WCW, I was 23 years old. This has been my life. For the past 18 years, I've seen it all. I've done it all. I even had a WrestleMania moment, finally. [crowd cheers] Now there's a part of me that can walk away with my head held high, no regrets. But the truth is, I love what I do. I love waking up each and every day and performing for you. [voice visibly shaking] And it, it's not just about the matches. It's coming down that aisle and seeing the look on those kids' faces. The friendship and the bonds that I've made in the back. [crowd chants "Big Show"] Johnny, don't erase 18 years of my life for something petty. All right? You wanna fine me? Okay, fine me. You wanna bar me from ever having a championship match again? Well okay I guess that's all right too. If me imitating your voice offended you, I'm sorry. But if there is an ounce of decency, you will continue to allow me to do what I love.

Laurinaitis: You know what Show? That's very passionate. But I didn't hear you say that you're sorry.

Big Show: I said I'm sorry.

Laurinaitis: I don't think everybody up there in the cheap seats and more importantly, those in the back quite heard you.

Big Show: [emotional] I'm sorry.

Laurinaitis: Okay so you said it. But now, you're gonna prove it. You wanna keep your job? Beg me! Better than that, get on your knees and beg me. [Big Show walks around, on the verge of crying]

Big Show: You can't be serious, right? You're joking.

Laurinaitis: Show you wanna waste 18 years of your life? Get on your knees and beg me! [Big Show walks around, struggling. He tries to get on his knees, but he cannot bring himself to do it]

Big Show: You want me to beg? Fine, I'll beg. Johnny, I'm sorry. Please. Please don't make me do that. Don't make me get on my knees, please.

Laurinaitis: Look at you! You disgust me! And everybody hear who loves you disgusts me! I'll do what's right for business. [points to Big Show] Not for you, [points to fans] not for them. I'll do what's right for business, because I always do what's right for business, and I'll reconsider it. [walks out of the ring]

Michael Cole: Did he say he was gonna reconsider?

Jerry Lawler: Thank God. You know what? We just witnessed something that was so uncomfortable. I don't know about you Cole, but I'm, I'm just really happy that Big Show did not get down on his knees.

Laurinaitis: Hey Show! I've already reconsidered it. And even though you're gonna be on the unemployment line, by the power and authority invested in me, as the general of manager of both Raw and SmackDown, --

Big Show: [over Laurinaitis speaking] Johnny no no, Johnny please! JOHNNY WAIT! [Big Show starts crying and drops to his knees] I, I apologize!

Laurinaitis: Apologize for what?!

Big Show: I apologize for making fun of your voice and I'll never do it again. Are you happy now?! ARE YOU HAPPY?!

Laurinaitis: No I'm not. As general manager of both Raw and SmackDown, I wish you the best in your future endeavors. And Show, you're fired.

May 21

John Cena: I, I, I... I've had a lot of these matches. I've won some. I've lost some. But win, lose, or draw, every single Monday, I come out here and say, "You know what? It was great. Congratulations to my opponent. Let's move on."

Michael Cole: Can't do that, can he?

John Cena: What the hell happened? What the hell? What the hell? John Laurinaitis beat me. John Laurinaitis... he... he beat me. You know, you know, here's the thing, it's not how, it's not how it happened. It's why the hell would something like that happen in the first place! [frustrated grunt] Okay. You know, ever since he's been here, and all of you can attest to this, John Laurinaitis has been a selfish, power-hungry bully. And last night, John Laurinaitis got a taste of his own medicine. You guys saw some of the photos. If you were there and you watched it, we were having a blast! It was great! It was everything that it was supposed to be! That was what People Power was about! He was getting his tail whipped! I was having fun! You were having fun! And we all knew that he was gonna be gone! And then, he ran away and Big Show brought him back. Big Show: the guy that John Laurinaitis humiliated in this ring. The guy that John Laurinaitis fired in this ring. He brought him back, and then it was fun again. Big Show threw him in the ring and he had that giant hand around Laurinaitis' scrawny neck and you could watch him back. He looked in his eyes. I was right over here. I gave him a nod. I said, "Show, I got this one." He looked in my eyes and he said, "Yeah, you do." And he gave me John Laurinaitus to make sure I finish the job and... and John Laurinaitis would be terminated! And then, Big Show, a man that I used to call a friend, knocked me out cold. He knocked me out cold and your winner was John Laurinaitis.

Jerry : I have never seen John Cena shook up his ears right now.

John Cena: Hindsight being 20/20, there are some "experts" out there that are saying, "Well, why did you toy with him?" "Why'd you spray him with a fire extinguisher?" Or, "Why did you pour water all over him?" "You should have just beat him." Hey, geniuses, if you already paid off the Big Show, if John Laurinaitis was in any jeopardy of losing that match, the giant was gonna beat me anyway. I am glad that I did every single thing that I did to John Laurinaitis because he damn sure deserved that and ten times more! What I'm not glad about is The Big Show, the world's largest athlete deciding to sell out. I don't even know what he is thinking about. There is no possible explanation to explain exactly what he did! What the hell was he thinking? John Laurinaitis was gonna be gone! He is the world's largest athlete. I don't care who the next general manager was. Vickie Guerrero. Teddy Long. [pointing to audience] This guy over here in the third row. Hell, bring the computer back. And... [making noise] the first random e-mail would be, "May I have your attention please? I have just received an e-mail that says we're hiring The Big Show back." But instead, he Benedict Arnold me, knocked me out and we are... we are stuck! Show, this was not about John Cena losing, this match was about John Laurinaitis winning! We are stuck! We are stuck with this People Power garbage! Which means, now, probably you're gonna see some graphic or something and he's gonna come out here and [mimicking John Laurinaitis] tell you guys how brave he is. And how badly he's hurt. And what a... what a great new plan that he's got for the next pay-per-view in the name of People Power. This is crap!

[John Laurinaitis' music plays, but Eve Torres comes out}

John Cena: Wow, John Laurinaitis, you got really hot, but you still suck.

Eve Torres: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, the permanent general manager of both Raw and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Laurinaitis.

[John Laurinaitis' music plays again while Michael Cole applauds and John Laurinaitis comes to the stage in a scooter]

Michael Cole: It's wonderful.

Jerry: Oh, my god.

[John Laurinaitis slowly get off scooter and uses a crutch]

John Laurinaitis: John, after our match last night, I was rushed to the emergency room. The doctors said I have a possible broken clavicle, a possible damage to my ACL and PCL in my knee, and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions all over my body. John, I cannot lift my left arm or move my left leg which indicates potential nerve damage. But that's okay because as I proved last night, when I'm in that ring, I'm a fierce competitor. But let me remind you, when I'm outside that ring, I'm a WWE executive. I wanna make sure you and everyone knows that you or anyone else cannot lay a finger on me again. If you do, you will be immediately terminated. But enough about me. I'd like to introduce to you the man who this past Saturday I rehired and actually gave a great bonus to. A man that in four weeks, John, you will face at the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey in a pay-per-view called "No Way Out." That's right, John. The man who knocked you out, The Big Show.

[Big Show's music plays and Big Show comes to the stage]:

Jerry: I don't know how this guy can even show his face out here. The Big Show, what...?

Big Show: Well, John, I'm sure you and everyone else would like an explanation for my actions. Quite frankly, none are you are entitled to my explanation. However, however I will say last week on this show, I was on my knees to this man doing something I have never done before, begging for my job. No one loves this business more than I do. Our fans, our superstars, our production and technical crew. I was so upset I actually found myself crying. All of you watched a grown man, a giant crying on worldwide television? [hears "You're a sellout" chants] I'm a sellout. Again, I get no sympathy from any of you. No sympathy! None! 18 years of my life, nothing! I did what I had to do! I did what each and every one of you would've done! I have an ironclad contract now and I'm proud of it! How dare you, Cena? How dare you? How dare any of you, any of you judge me?! How dare you?! How dare you? Cena, I will be judging you... look at me! I will be judging you June 17th. There will be no way out because you, my friend, I'm gonna knock out.

May 28

Big Show: [mock smiling] You see this? This is me doing my job. This... this is me smiling. Smiling. It was easy making you people smile. Tell you the truth, I didn't mind doing it. But make no mistake about it, it was a calculated business decision. I made a living at it. I was a business man. I just also happen to be a giant. See, but all that's over now. Oh, that's so nice. What. That's so good. That's why I love you all so much. See, the reason I don't have to do that anymore and put on that smile is because I have an ironclad contract. [hears "Cena" chants] I have an ironclad contract with a big fat bonus, which means I'm set for life. Which means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want, and I don't have to be concerned about putting smiles on you people's faces. I'm 7-foot tall, 441 pounds. I am not an entertainer. I am a giant. Let's face it, people, there's no one in my league. There's no helmet, shoulder-pad, four month out-of-the-year NFL player. There's no toothpick, noodle arm NBA player. There's no phony UFC so-called fighter. And there is certainly, there is certainly not anyone in the WWE that is in my league. And maybe that's why. Maybe that's why not one single WWE superstar came to my defense... came to my defense when, at the most humiliating moment of my life, when I was on my knees begging for my job. Just minutes after I was begging, this happened. [clip shows from May 14] My tears were not even dry in the ring and Brodus Clay is out there dancing. DANCING! Two guys that I thought were my friends, Kofi and Truth, they're just out there yucking it up, having a good ol' time and... and you people, all of you waving, clapping, having a great time. It's fun, wasn't it? It was easy for you people just to... just to move on. [hears "Cena" chants again] You people... you people are so shallow. You're so phony. But after all that, there's one man, there's one guy that disappointed me even more than all of you and that man's name is John Cena. When I saw John Cena in the ring, I thought he was gonna confront John Laurinaitis. I thought he was gonna fight for me. I thought he was gonna fight for his friend. I thought... I thought Cena was gonna threaten in an entire WWE locker room mutiny unless John Laurinaitis hired me right there, right back on the spot. Instead, your hero, John Cena, did this. [clip shows from May 14] Cena made jokes. I guess that's all I am. I guess that's all I am to all of you people as well, just one big joke. Well, Cena hurt me when he decided he didn't care. And last week, I hurt him. I knocked John Cena out twice within 24 hours. Now, what I'm gonna do to John Cena at No Way Out, it won't be pretty. John Cena is not gonna be standing across the ring from a businessman, John Cena is gonna be standing across the ring from an unstoppable giant. You think John Cena suffered his greatest loss in his career when he lost at Wrestlemania to The Rock? You think John Cena suffered the worst beating of his life when he faced Brock Lesnar? You think John Cena suffered the most embarrassing moment of his career when he lost to John Laurinaitis at Over the Limit? At No Way Out, John Cena is gonna experience all three of those things in one night, and that... that [mock smiling] puts a smile on my face.

---

Cody Rhodes: Like I said, I respect what Christian has done, but again, he sits on the fence between classic and contemporary, in my opinion.

Jerry: What does that mean? What does that mean, "sits on the fence"?

Cody: Well, I'm trying to be nice, Jerry. It means he's old, old like you.

July 30

CM Punk: "WrestleMania moments" are what most everybody in the locker room always talks about, everybody wants their WrestleMania moment. But last week, I had myself a Raw moment; it was a Raw moment that was bigger than most people's WrestleMania moments. But before I get into why I did exactly what I did to the Rock, I wanna shed some light on something. I want to bring to your attention the way Raw 1,000 went off the air, I was uncomfortable with. I...it left a bad taste in my mouth. The way the 1,000th episode of Raw went off the air was with Jerry Lawler saying, and I quote, "CM Punk has turned his back on the WWE Universe."

[He turns and looks right at Jerry. He leaves the ring and sits on the announcers' table looking right at him.]

Michael Cole: Cat got your tongue, King? You did say that.

CM Punk: I don't get it, Jerry. I mean, I'm used to really bad, overly dramatic hyperbole on commentary, but...that was horrible, even for you. How do you jump to such a conclusion? I mean, if anything, it was you who turned your back on me because the last time I checked, the Rock was not the WWE Universe. The Rock is one single, solitary man. He's a larger-than-life, extremely charismatic...delusional movie star who came in and showed me, [holds up the WWE Championship] the WWE Champion, an incredible lack of respect.

First off, he interrupted me, which is something nobody should ever do. He interrupted me, and when he went into his little tired shtick with Daniel Bryan, he acted as if I wasn't even in the ring. I was almost invisible to him. And then when he does what I can only imagine in his brain is lowering himself to talk to me, he tells me that he's been gifted with a championship match at the Royal Rumble, and he acts as if he's just going to take my championship from me? The respect he didn't show me, I showed him right then and there because he's lucky I didn't drop him on the spot. He...he's fortunate that I didn't hurt him right then and there. And then at the end of the night, Dwayne does what Dwayne does best, and he tries to make the show all about him. He tries to make Raw's 1,000th episode all about him. And that's exactly when I showed him the kind of man he's dealing with, come Royal Rumble. 'Cause this is not a popularity contest, this is not ballet, this is the WWE and I am its Champion. You understand me, Jerry?

And what's the Rock's response been? We haven't heard from him in a week, which is funny to a guy like me because when he was battling with John Cena, you couldn't shut him up. But now...now the Rock has found his silence, and I know what that means. So when it comes to you and your little agenda, however you wanna spin, however you wanna spin it, you can say what I did or didn't do to John Cena, the 1,000th episode of Monday Night Raw ended the exact way every episode of Monday Night Raw should end—with the focus and the attention and the spotlight on the WWE Champion, [holds up the title again] the best wrestler in the world.

September 3

The Miz: You know, he can make all the excuses in the world, but let's face it—Heath Slater needs to start turning his career around. Now Zack Ryder, on the other hand, look at him. This guy does everything, he goes above and beyond. Social media guru—this guy is on YouTube with his Z! True Long Island Story, he's on Facebook, he's on Twitter, he's interactive with his WWE Universe, and that's why they love him so much.

Michael Cole: Yeah, well, what about Heath Slater? Come on, he's the "One Man Band!"

The Miz: I got a song he can cover. How about Beck's "Loser"?

September 10

Michael Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you noticed that Jerry Lawler hasn't been active in the last couple of matches. A little bit earlier tonight, Jerry passed out here... passed out here at ringside. Um... [trying not to tear up] Jerry collapsed and was... was helped to the back. He was stretchered to the back to the locker room area. We understand now that Jerry is receiving medical attention as we speak. They are performing CPR. And again, this is not part of tonight's entertainment. This has happened. And again, Jerry Lawler collapsed here at ringside tonight, and they're performing CPR as we speak back in the locker room area. We'll have more information as Monday Night Raw rolls on tonight.

---

Bret Hart: Let me ask you this, John Cena: what are you gonna do to finally shut this phony little punk up?

CM Punk: "Phony"? "Phony"? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the people. Did you call me a phony?

Bret: A phony little punk.

John Cena: Hitman, let me handle this one. Yes, he called you a phony. Does that irritate you? Does that make you wanna come down here and maybe do something about it? If that's the case, I'm calling you a phony too. Two things happen at this point—you either stay up there, or you come down here. And there's forty feet of distance and three ropes between you and the worst decision of your life.

CM Punk: Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. It's quite ironic, the biggest phony in World Wrestling Entertainment history decides to point his finger and cast judgment on its champion. Well, John-Boy, I don't need your judgment, and I don't need your permission. I do what I want, I do what I decide, and right now I've decided to come out here and defend my good name in the face of such rampant, ridiculous disrespect. It almost breaks my heart to see the two of you standing in the ring together. It makes me realize, wow, the Hitman and John Cena are so much alike; and trust me, that's not a compliment. You two can sit here, pat each other on the back, and have a little powwow and talk about how great the both of you were at being the top guy, and completely neglect to mention the fact that you were both unceremoniously surpassed by somebody far superior than yourselves. John, in your instance, I, of course, am speaking of me; and Hitman, in your case, obviously, I'm talking about Shawn Michaels. And by the way, you can't draw a line of comparison between CM Punk and Shawn Michaels. Not the old Shawn, not the new Shawn, because I am better than Shawn Michaels. Oh, hey, hey, Bret, Hitman, you remember that...that hillbilly you made pass out to your little Sharpshooter at WrestleMania 13? Stone Cold Steve Austin? [like to a child] I'm better than him too.

And I'm better than The Rock, and we all said, we all knew, and we all saw what I did to him in one night, when he showed me one iota of disrespect. Hell, John-Boy, I did in one night what you couldn't do in an entire calendar year. I am the best wrestler, I am the best talker, I am the best technician, I am the best brawler. And I don't say these things from a place of insecurity, and I apologize for your lack of self-confidence, but I say it because I am it! And that makes me anything but a phony.

John Cena: He's right. He's right. Because that last statement actually makes you a liar, a hypocrite, and a conceited scumbag. Congratulations! You can also add that to your resume.

You know, listening to these people tonight, I realize that Montreal is a very honest city. For years, WWE has referred to this building as Bizarro World. Quite frankly, you folks are just honest. You tell us how you feel, whether it's something we wanna hear or not. Tonight, I'm gonna take a lesson from Montreal and actually hit you in the face with a dose of truth, whether you want to hear it or not.

For 300 days, you have been WWE Champion; for 300 days, that championship has been irrelevant. Month after month, you watch main event by main event pass you by. And your excuse, that there's some sort of weird political conspiracy against you. But the fact is there is no you. You see, you have been here for many, many, many years, and the night you made the most noise was, ironically, the night your microphone was turned silent. Ah, I remember those days. Talk about change. Passionate, convicting talk of change. And then one triumphant night in Chicago, when you were the victor and the universe finally said, "we get change!" And they were lied to. They were fooled into a false claim, because change was not ice cream bars, change was not edgy television, change wasn't even new talent. All you meant by "we want change" is "make CM Punk a star." You don't even know who CM Punk is.

I remember in those rants that you once said that I'd become what I despise, in reference to success. No, I went from an underdog to an odds-on favorite, but I did it as me. Through all of this, through all of this, the wins, the losses, the championships, the year when I didn't win the big one at WrestleMania, the embarrassment, the humility, I've had to stand on my own two feet and do it...as me.

Then there's you. You have changed your ideology numerous times, you've stabbed your friends in the back, you borrow colors from Hall-of-Famers, you steal the elbow of the late Randy Savage. All because you have yet to find you. I'm not saying you're not tough—I've been in the ring with you. And I'm not saying you're not accomplished. But your latest phase of development revolves around this. [Pointing to the WWE Championship] You think because you have this, you are justified respect. No, the reason you have that and have kept it is by any means necessary, and that does not define a champion in my eyes. So at Night of Champions, you're going to have to search for a new identity. You've been really, really loud these past weeks because you finally realize, at Night of Champions, you are in serious jeopardy of losing this.

I didn't want to do this, but the city of Montreal has kind of owed me a favor, so I'm gonna pay one back to you. I'm a little rusty. Me je parle un petit Francais (I speak a little French). CM Punk parle qu'il va victoir avec la nuit de champion, mais je vais lui botter le cul. Which means...

CM Punk: Which means you have lowered yourself! You have lowered yourself to their level. To speak their language? To speak the languages of the locals? You have lowered yourself!

John Cena: ENOUGH! Enough. Listen up, Jack, I don't lower myself to them because they are the reason we are here! You are an ignorant son-of-a-bitch, and you need a little bit of respect! So, in English, what I said was, "you say you're gonna win at Night of Champions, but I'm just gonna kick your ass!"

November 26

Michael Cole: Dean, Seth, Roman, been my pleasure to known you guys for a while now and worked with you down in the developmental territory in NXT. And it seems a bit odd though to be conducting this interview tonight under these circumstances. It was eight nights ago at Survivor Series, many people say that you came...

Dean Ambrose: Many people? Who are these people? Michael, if you got a question to ask us, just ask.

Michael Cole: Okay. Are you three working directly for WWE Champion CM Punk?

Dean Ambrose: Nope.

Michael Cole: Okay. So if you're not working for Punk, then why are you guys here?

Seth Rollins: Now that's the question, Michael. That's the question you should be asking. You see, we sat down in NXT and we saw things clearly. Crystal clear, actually. You see, everybody around here has to answer to the likes of the Vickie Guerreros and the Booker Ts. And Vickie and Booker, they have to answer to the Board of the Directors. And Board of Directors ultimately has to answer to the WWE Universe. The almighty WWE Universe. What is that, Michael? What is that? It's a popularity contest. And that's not right. That's wrong, Michael. We saw things heading in the wrong direction. We stepped in and righted those wrongs. Michael, we are a shield from injustice in WWE.

Michael Cole: I mean, come on, guys. There is no denying that everything you've done so far has benefited CM Punk.

Seth Rollins: Michael, it's coincidence. Happenstance. You ever heard of it?

Dean Ambrose: It's not about benefiting Punk. It's about right and wrong. CM Punk, the WWE Champion, was forced to defend his title in a Triple Threat Match against two guys he already had defeated. That's wrong. So we stepped in. If had been Ryback or Cena, we would have done the same thing. If Ryback was champion for 365 days and Punk tried to ruin his party, we would have intervened on Ryback's behalf. 365 days as champion in this era? That's a huge milestone. That should be celebrated, right?

Michael Cole: Roman, I would love to get your take on all this.

Roman Reigns: When I want to say something, I'll say it.

Dean Ambrose: Look, Cole, we see what you're getting at, okay? We hear everything you guys are saying. We read everything that's being written. Okay? We know what you guys are thinking. But we're not renegades, we're not mercenaries, we're not the Nexus, and if you're looking for the nWo, go buy the DVD. We are about principles. We're about honor. Where honor no longer exists, we're gonna step in. It's like he said: We're a shield from injustice.

Seth Rollins: Yeah.

Dean Ambrose: We're a shield from injustice. [The three look at each other and like the sound of it] We are The Shield.

Michael Cole: Okay, so...

Roman Reigns: Hey, I got something to say. We've said enough. This interview is over, man.

2013

January 7

CM Punk: The time has come to tell you all something very personal. You see, I keep my ear to the ground, and I hear everything everybody says, and for the past year and a half, the words "pipe bomb" have been completely misunderstood and misused. It doesn't seem anybody in the Universe understands what it means, anybody in this company doesn't understand what a pipe bomb is. Basically, what a pipe bomb is, in its truest form, is the truth. It's honesty. You boil it down, and the essence of a pipe bomb is exactly what all of you lack—honesty. Seems the perception of me is someone who was a little disgruntled, sat down on the stage in Las Vegas, and aired his grievances and said "pipe bomb." I became the Voice of the Voiceless, and then maybe my ego was like a runaway train and I suddenly bitched and moaned and complained about respect and how I didn't get enough of it. And then I turned my back on the people.

Well, that's a lie. Don't be mistaken. I meant everything I said when I said it, except the part about ice cream, 'cause I look out here and the last thing any of you people need is more bars of ice cream. But I was shortchanged and I was disrespected. And sure, I could have just swallowed that bitter pill and accepted my position in the company like everybody else in the back, or I could have left. Instead I made a conscious decision and I sold out. To you. To you, I sold out; to me, I cashed in. See, I created this persona, this rebel, this antihero that you all love to cheer for because I knew that you all love to cheer for your superheroes. Because here is the truth about Las Vegas, here is the truth about the WWE, is that it doesn't matter that if you're the best wrestler, it doesn't matter if you're the best talker, it doesn't matter if you're the best overall performer, it doesn't matter if you make the two clowns sitting to my left on commentary look like amateur hour. There is a glass ceiling and nobody is allowed to break it.

That's the simple story of this place. The more popular you are, the more money you make. The more you people cheer for any given superstar, the more opportunities you're afforded. Why do you think a guy like John Cena, who has admittedly had the worst year of his career, gets title shot after title shot after title shot after title shot? Or why a lethal grappler, why a serious submission specialist like Daniel Bryan puts a smile on his face and saddles himself, belittles himself with catchphrases. Or why a 400 pound monster, Brodus Clay, soils his hands by touching your filthy, ugly, little children to get in the ring so he can shuck and jive for you. Or why an invisible child, Little Jimmy, is better positioned on the flagship show Monday Night RAW than a workhorse like Tyson Kidd.

Look at them, they're doing it now. You're doing it now! You're falling for everything I say, you're playing into my hands, but this is the way it is and this is the way you want it because this is the way you handle it. It's easy, it's saccharine, it's simple to digest because you people can't handle anything complicated, you people can't stomach anything interesting. This is the way it's been since the beginning of the time. We're all here in the circus to entertain you. And nobody's ever been able to attain a modicum of success without you.

Except for now. Until I showed up. I've become the most successful WWE Champion of all time. Not of the modern era. No, that's another little buzzword that somebody backstage wants you to say. They probably wanna put it on a t-shirt. But that's the way you get noticed. You don't get noticed until you start to move a couple of t-shirts around here. If I... if I competed in Bruno Sammartino's era, I'd have been champion for 20 years, too. No, I'd have been champion for 30 years. Because wrestling one night a month at Madison Square Garden is easy. You never see a Hulk Hogan wrestle TLC matches against a superstar like Ryback. Because he had it easy. I wrestle physically demanding matches on free television, week in and week out. So much that my one year equals 30 of theirs. And I have attained this success, not... not because of you. I am successful not because of you. I am successful in spite of you.

Now, I'm the most honest man in this building, I'm the most honest man in this company 'cause everybody else has got the same, old, tired crybaby story. They'll come out here and they'll say "I do it for the people, I do it for all of you. Let's hear it for Tampa, Florida!" Here's some honesty. I watched Roddy Piper smash a coconut over Jimmy Snuka's head and I sure as hell didn't say "Golly Gee! I can't wait to go electrify the people of Tampa Bay, Florida." No! Because I don't care about the people of Tampa Bay, Florida.

There's good guys and there's bad guys in this world, and make no mistake about it, ladies and gentlemen, I am a bad, bad man and I can freely admit it. But Ric Flair will come out here and he'll cry his 182-year eyes out and say "Oh, I did it for all of you." Now they're wooing. Shawn Michaels can come out here and lose his smile and find his smile, but then in a... in a tearful Hall of Fame speech, he'll say that his entire career was just to gain your acceptance. Then a man like Edge is forced to retire and he'll say that he misses competing for people like you. Now, these people, these men are either weak, or they're dishonest and they're liars. It's either one or the other. But I— I'm neither weak nor dishonest. I'm the best in the world.

Two types of people on this earth. Those born to be in the spotlight, and those born to pay to see the people in the spotlight. Ladies and gentlemen, there's winner and losers. Guess which one you are. You're born to pay to see champions like me, it's not the other way round. And I'll be the first guy to come out here and admit it, I'm honest. I have never ever done this for any of you. There's superstars and there's nobodies. I am a superstar, you are all nobodies. And I'm a real superstar. Those real superstars, hell, if they're your friends, why don't they come out here and give you the millions and millions of dollars they earn? Why don't they line your pockets? 'Cause that's... that's not your position on earth.

Uh, I'm being told that we have to take a commercial break. I'm not done, let me explain something to you. Let me explain something to everybody in the truck. We don't go to break when you wanna go to break. We go to break when the Champ wants to go to break! Listen up and understand something 'cause the Rock's gonna come out here and he's gonna talk a whole lot. Well, I will now tell you the most important thing you're gonna hear tonight. [Pointing to random people in the audience] You do not matter, you do not matter, you do not matter. None of you matter. What you want doesn't matter.

---

[after commercial break]

CM Punk: So I stand here on the first Raw of 2013 your WWE Champion, and I promise you in one years time, I will stand in this ring on the first Raw of 2014 still your WWE Champion. What fuels me is your constant disappointment in your self-appointed superheroes to be able to drag this title away from me, and now The Rock has come back, but it's not gonna change the fact, that I am the WWE Champion. And I'm not gonna let The Rock tear down everything that I fought so hard to attain, no no no no no no no..... not at all, no, in 2011, when I defeated Alberto Del Rio for this title at Madison Square Garden, I didn't just beat Alberto Del Rio, I beat the system. And every time after that, when I beat one of your superheroes, and I don't care if it was John Cena, Ryback, Chris Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler, any of the litany of Superstars that I defeated, I wasn't just beating them, I was beating all of you. And for 414 days, that's exactly what I've done. In your face, jerks. I have beaten you. I have stomped you out under my oppressive boot and I'm gonna do the same thing to The Rock because I don't care if he's back, you all do not get to win. You are losers. You do not get to win. You do not...(The Rock theme song comes on)

The Rock: The Rock had to hear it all. The Rock wanted to wait until you said everything you had to say, so the Rock knew exactly the kind of man he's dealing with at the Royal Rumble. And now it's become crystal clear to the Rock. You are straight up delusional. You keep mentioning that number 414. 414 days you've been WWE champion. That's incredible, incredible. The real number, it ain't 414, Jack. The real number that haunts your dreams is 20. 20 excuses running around your mind right now. 20 hairs standing up on your straight edge scrotum. Because you know, you know in 20 days you're gonna be defending that WWE Championship against the Rock which means in 20 days you know, the Rock knows, they know, in 20 days, time's up.

You wanted change, you wanted a revolution. You say that when you became WWE Champion, you rejected the people. No, no, no, no. The people rejected you. You talked about change, you couldn't do it. You talked about revolution, you couldn't do it. You came out and you promised everybody ice cream bars. Ice cream bars for everybody! And you couldn't even do that. You couldn't provide ice cream if the Dairy Queen, Carvel, and Cookie Puss drove an ice cream truck straight up your ass.

I want you to listen to something. Listen to something, Punk, listen. That's— voices. Voices. You claim, you claim to be the voice of the voiceless, but that's a bunch of hot garbage because here in the WWE Universe, there ain't no such thing as the voiceless. They have...they have voices. And they love to use their voice. They use it every single night. Every night they use their voices. As a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, they know something special is getting ready to happen right now. They're gonna use their voice, they're gonna chant the loudest chant you have ever heard. They're gonna chant, they're gonna chant something that is gonna follow you for the rest of your life. They're gonna chant, They're not gonna chant "respect," they're not gonna chant "best in the world," they're gonna chant exactly what you are. In three seconds they're gonna chant, "Cookie Puss, Cookie Puss."

Crowd: [chant] Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!

CM Punk: Be the puppets that you are. He got you chanting about ice cream the same way I did a year and a half ago. Congratulations. They still don't get to win. You don't get to win.

The Rock: They don't get to win? They don't get to win? Oh, they've already won! They've already won. See, that's something you fail to realize. They've already won. They won the moment the Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. The Rock woke up this morning at 4:00 AM. He sent out his early morning tweet to the world. Then the Rock ate his famous pancakes. Then the Rock went to the gym, clanging and banging and clanging and banging. Then the Rock got in his pickup truck and he drove up right up I-75, right through Alligator Alley! Right through Alligator Alley, so the Rock can stand right here, right here in the middle of this ring in front of you, in front of them, in front of the world and proudly say: Finally the Rock has come back to Tampa!

You see, Punk, it's not just that the Rock is back. No, it's why the Rock is back. Here's why the Rock is back. For three reasons. The Rock is back to entertain them. The Rock is back to stop you. And after ten long years, ten long years, the Rock is back to win [points to WWE Championship] that.

The Rock has watched the show. Every Monday Night RAW watching you, watching you, your deceiving, your backpedaling, your lying. The Rock would watch the TV and he'd scream at the TV "Good God Almighty, somebody tell this man they respect him, just so he shut his punk ass up. And while you're at it, somebody show this man a doctor." Is there a doctor in the house? Because a man who claims that he's straight edge, he's running around here looking exactly like Popeye on crack. Look at you. Punkeye the crackhead. All you need right now is a little thing in your mouth, a little, toot-toot!

CM Punk. CM Punk, you have one of the most creative and innovative minds in the history of the WWE. The Rock knows it. You fail to use it. You became WWE Champion and you also became the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The Rock can look you in the eye and tell you this with all passion and with all heart. When the Rock is here, don't you ever say the people don't matter. They matter. They've always mattered. You're the one that doesn't matter.

CM Punk: Oh, I matter. I'm the most successful...

The Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU MATTER! The only thing that matters is that you understand, you get it straight in your head that at Royal Rumble, there ain't no way, and the Rock means NO WAY, you're gonna stop the Rock from becoming WWE Champion.

CM Punk: Unlike a lot of people I'm glad you're back. I don't care what your schedule is. I don't care if you work here 16 days a year or 365 days a year. You could be Santa Claus and have his schedule, one day a year. I'd still kick your ass. I don't care how many movies you film every year. I know how hard that schedule probably is, but every time you come back, whenever you decide to grace us with your presence, I'm gonna kick your ass. Because this isn't candy land. I'm like nobody you've ever faced before. You can make fun of the color of my t-shirt and you can talk about pie and you can sing songs and you can rhyme, and you can do your tired, lame-ass schtick. I just want you to know that come Royal Rumble, and you have about three weeks to realize this, I'm gonna kick your ass 'cause I'm the best in the world. I'm the best thing going today. I'm the best guy you've ever stepped foot in the ring with. And you need to understand, congratulations, Rock, you just graduated from the kiddie table, but you just bit off more than you can chew. You're playing little league with your little insults and your rhymes and your "millions and millions" and your "finallys". And I'm in the big leagues and I'm swinging for the fence. You need to understand that your little jabs and your insults, it's all kiddie games. You can't leave a mark on the Champ's face. Come Royal Rumble, understand, when you step in the ring, your arms are just too short to box with God.

The Rock: You may think that the Rock is boxing with God. But the Rock knows for a fact you are going one-on-one with the Great One. Don't you think... don't you think for one single, solitary second that the Rock doesn't know how bad you are, how dangerous you are, how tough you are. The Rock knows that. 414 days. The Rock knows the last time we were in the middle of this ring you hit the Rock with a GTS and you knocked him out cold. Cold as a block of ice. The Rock didn't forget it. You hurt the Rock. You embarrassed the Rock. He said it before, he'll say it again. In 20 days, time's up.

But here's the thing. This is what the Rock wants you to do— from now until then. The Rock wants you to go home and think about the next 20 days. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home and look in the mirror. As a matter of fact, the Rock wants you to go home, look in the mirror and strip naked. That's what the Rock wants you to do. Go ahead and look at yourself. Don't concentrate on your Cookie Puss. Turn around and look at your backside. Turn around, look at your backside and let's try and find a small space on this body that's not covered in ugly tattoos because the Rock wants you to get two more tattoos. Some more tattoos. Here's the thing. Go ahead, on your left butt cheek the Rock wants you to get a tattoo of a big, fat M&M. And then add a Snickers, a Milky Way, a Mounds. You can't have an Almond Joy because unlike you, Almond Joys actually have nuts. And then... and then on your right butt cheek, this is what the Rock wants you to do. The Rock wants you to get a tattoo of the Rock's size 15 shoe, so you will have a lifetime reminder of how badly the Rock is gonna kick your candy ass at Royal Rumble.

January 14

[The Rock has an Eric Clapton song for Vickie Guerrero]

The Rock: Late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear.

She puts on her makeup. She brushes her short, black hair

And then she'll ask me, "Do I look alright?"

And I said, "No biatch! You look horrible tonight."

You abuse all your powers. Waste everybody's time.

You dress like a hooker... not the expensive kind.

So get your ass to the airport, take a one-way flight,

Because biatch, you look horrible tonight.

I said biatch, you look horrible tonight.

Vickie Guerrero: Are you kidding me?!?! How dare you do that to me?! How dare you?!?

The Rock: Hold on Vickie, don't go anywhere, cause we wanna sing you out. We'll sing goodbye properly [audience joins in] "We said biatch, you look horrible tonight." [Vickie slowly walks out] Houston, Texas, that is one horrible-looking beeyatch.

April 8

Josh Mathews: How does it feel to be the new World Heavyweight Champion?

Dolph Ziggler: You know, Josh, I have been too damn good for too damn long. Now I knew, I knew I just needed the right time and the right place, and I found it tonight. Now I know it's the day after, but this...this is my WrestleMania moment! I'm the showoff, 'cause I'm gonna take my new championship, shine it up, and show it off. It's about damn time.

July 8

Bray Wyatt: I have no followers, I have only brothers and sisters, all in the name of cause. People are sheep, you understand me? They can't lead themselves, they need to be lead. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war. But I'm not afraid of their wars. I created war! And I think it's time for the masses to wake up, wake up, WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they're living in man! The world is deteriorating between their toes, and they do nothing about it. They only stand there, they whisper and wonder but never do anything about it! But I've seen it all in my dreams and in my thoughts, and above everything else, I understand. This is not the beginning, it's the end. We're here.

July 15

Paul: You know what I'm looking at right now? I'm looking at an empty ring because in my world, you don't exist. Try this one on for size—am I lying? In 2005, WWE had no vision for you. CM Punk was a figment of Paul Heyman's imagination. And what did I do? I took you in, I befriended you, I taught you, I trained you, I martyred my entire career for you. And then we reached the holy grail together. We were the reigning, defending WWE Champion for 434 days. We were the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past 25 years. We came within an inch of breaking the Undertaker's streak at WrestleMania. We, CM Punk, we were the best in the world. And here's part of the equation you seem to forget about—without me, there is no we. Without Paul Heyman, CM Punk, you're not the best in the world.

[To audience] See, you can boo that all you want, 'cause everybody's been stopping me and asking me the same question: "Paul Heyman, what happened here? Why, Paul Heyman? Why did you betray CM Punk? Paul Heyman, you are a Judas!"

Here's the truth, because I'll tell you why I have such an aversion to the truth. Because the truth is a lot harder pill to swallow, Mr. Straight Edge, than a spin on things. The truth is, you failed us when you couldn't defeat the Undertaker at WrestleMania. And when you went home, you found yourself. And CM Punk comes back to WWE...and you think you're better than me. CM Punk—better than Paul Heyman.

So I lied to you. I manipulated you. I played you because you can never claim that CM Punk dumped Paul Heyman. No, history is going to write that Paul Heyman dumped CM Punk! You didn't want a business relationship with me, you wanted to keep it personal. So I made it as personal as I could possibly make it. Come on, you know this to be true. Here's the truth—you have no family. You're estranged from your own mother and father, you have no wife, you have no children. All you have [indicating the crowd] is them. All you have is the WWE Universe. All you have is their admiration! All you have is their respect! All you have is their affirmation! Listen to them!

Crowd: [chanting] CM PUNK!

Paul: And all you want, all you crave, all you need in your life is the WWE Championship. You took my best friend away from me, and I took your chance at the WWE Title away from you and each and every one of them! You're gonna find out, as bad a reputation as I have in business, I'm a whole lot worse personally. And here's the kicker to it all, best friend, brother, business son, man who wouldn't be my client. You made me swear on my children, but it was my children who made me see this so clear. "Daddy, why doesn't Punk listen to you like Brock listens to you? Daddy, isn't Brock going to hurt Punk? Daddy, can Punk beat Brock Lesnar?"

And if you wanna know why I double-crossed you, why I betrayed you, why I cost you your opportunity to cash in Money in the Bank and go for the WWE Title, here's the harshest truth of them all—I betrayed you because, CM Punk, you can't beat Brock Lesnar!

CM Punk: Are you done? You wanna talk about the truth? I saw first-hand last night that the truth does hurt. And maybe I should have seen it coming, but damn it, Paul, I trusted you. And all I have to show for it now is these thirteen staples in my head. But another truth is that you know me better than anybody, and you know when I'm lying, and you know when I'm telling the truth, and you know when I want something bad enough, I am the most relentless man on the planet. And I will not stop until I get it! And the truth is, Paul, I'm gonna get you.

This time, I swear on your children that I am gonna get you. And I will get everybody that conspired against me, every single one of your associates, everybody who profited from it, everybody who had knowledge of it, anybody who enjoyed it. Your friends, your clients, your family, anybody in between the time I get my hands on you and now that steps in between you and I and opens their eyes at me, I will get my hands on and I will rip apart and I will hurt!

You want the truth? The truth is, you don't have a future, because I'm gonna burn down everything around you until you're the last man standing, and I'm gonna keep you alive just long enough to look you in the eye and hurt you worst of all! So tell me, you son-of-a-bitch! Am I lying?!

Paul: No. No, you're not lying, and since you want to tip your hand and tell me I have a lack of a future, let me spell your immediate future out for you. [Kneels down and mocks CM Punk's opening ritual] IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!!!

July 29

Bray: [to Kane] I heard you like to call yourself "the Devil's Favorite Demon." But you, sir, are NO DEMON! And the Devil? No, man...shh, shh, shh. Kane, I'd like to let you in on a little secret now. You ought to be careful who you say those things in front of, because you never know [whispering] who might be listening. FOLLOW THE BUZZARDS!!!

August 26

AJ Lee: OMG, you guys, I just watched last night's episode of Total Divas, and it was insane. Oh, my gosh. The Bellas were dealing with their obvious daddy issues, the Funkadactyls broke up and got back together again, Natalya's fiance isn't much of a man...and the other two were also there. It was great, it really was, and...it was the end of the world, and it's only Sunday nights on the E! Network!

Do you want to know what I see when I look in that ring? Honestly? A bunch of cheap, interchangeable, expendable, useless women. Women who have turned to reality television 'cause they just weren't gifted enough to be actresses. And they just weren't talented enough to be Champion. I have saved your Divas division, I have shattered glass ceilings, I have broken down doors. Why? So...so a bunch of ungrateful, stiff, plastic mannequins can waltz on through without even as much as a "thank you"?

You guys can't even go backstage and shake my hand and look me in the eye because you know that I worked my entire life to get here. I gave my life to this, and you were just handed fifteen minutes of fame! I didn't get here because I was cute or because I came from some famous wrestling family or because I sucked...up to the right people. I got here because I am good. I earned this championship. And no matter how many red carpets you guys wanna walk down in your $4,000 ridiculous heels, you will never be able to lace up my Chuck Taylors. You're all worthless excuses for women, and you will never be able to touch me, and that is reality.

September 9

Michael Cole: What is your problem with the cast of Total Divas?

AJ Lee: My problem with the cast of Total Divas is that they're the cast of a reality show. They are not here for this title.

Michael Cole: [back to the match] The Rear View by Naomi. If she connects with that on Sunday...

AJ Lee: This is what is reality, this championship. And you know what? All week long, these girls have been Tweeting about me, talking about me, yelling to .com, crying and screaming. You know why? They're complaining and IMing their every single thought because they know I'm right and I'm getting to them.

JBL: Is that how fights start nowadays, you Tweet each other?

AJ Lee: For them, apparently; I said what I had to say to their face.

Jerry: So you have no desire to go on that reality show and really mix it up with those girls?

JBL: It's certainly a big hit.

AJ Lee: I have the date I won this title tattooed on the back of my neck. This is all I care about.

Jerry: So...any other tattoos?

AJ Lee: I think I'm a little too old for you, Jerry—I'm 26, I know you like 'em younger.

October 21

Paul Heyman: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's an execution live on WWE pay-per-view, as "The Best in the World" CM Punk straps me into the electric chair, puts the poison into my veins, lines me up in front of the firing squad and pulls the trigger himself! For the first time ever — and for the first time ever again — it will never, ever happen...as a non-participant actually gets locked inside of a cell with a man who does not spend his night fantasizing about the Divas. CM Punk spends his night fantasizing and obsessing about the massacre he wants to inflict upon Paul Heyman. CM Punk wants to take me down, take me out, DRIVE ME AWAY from WWE forever!

But just like when a volcano is trapped inside of a dormant mountain, when that volcano finally erupts, [now screaming] and the lava — the molten lava — drips down the side of the mountain... I'm just like that lava! I'm red-hot! I'm out of control! And all of the villagers, with the lava pouring down into their houses, destroying their cars, suffocating and melting their flesh, and the villagers are going, "Run for your lives! Run for your lives! Run for your lives!" They're the ones that love and worship CM Punk! And I'm the one...that has a different strategy.

Because I'm not all filled with emotion like CM Punk, Renee. I'm cold-hearted. And I'm calculated. And I'm in control...the same way I have controlled CM Punk all of these years. The same way I control my monster, Ryback. And CM Punk cannot get past my monster, Ryback, which means CM Punk can't get his hands on me. Which is why Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, I'm not locked in a cell with CM Punk, CM Punk is locked in a cell with me.

December 9

[The WWE Championship and World Heavyweight Championship hanging in the ring, with twenty former World Champions standing inside]

Randy Orton: Better than anyone, I know what you are capable of; but I also know what you're not capable of. Remember years ago, when you were making a name for yourself, you claimed you had ruthless aggression. Well, if you had it then, you don't have it anymore because if you did, you would've put me in the hospital last Monday night on Raw. But you didn't. You couldn't do it, you didn't have the stomach, and you're gonna regret that decision for the rest of your life after this Sunday.

Now last week, John, you said that I had all the God-given natural ability in the world, but that I had gotten lazy. I did not get lazy. Sometimes, when you're that much better than all of your peers, you lack motivation, you get complacent. But John, John, fear not. I have all the motivation I need to beat your ass that Sunday at TLC [pointing at the titles] hanging right here!

You say that you don't care about being the face of the WWE, but that's...that's a lie. I know you, John. Image is everything to you. But you're gonna be the man that lost the most important match in the history of the WWE. Meanwhile...

Crowd: [chanting] YES!

Randy: Meanwhile, I am the greatest Superstar of this generation or any other! Just look around you! Look at these men in this ring! Look at Mick Foley back there! Hey, Mick! I took years off of his career. I took years, literally years off of his life! Where's HBK? [Shawn waves from behind Triple H] Showstopper Shawn Michaels, Mr. WrestleMania, I've embarrassed him on multiple occasions. And there wouldn't have even had to have been a screwjob in Montreal if I was competing 16 years ago—where are you, Bret—because I would've left you laying unconscious in the middle of that ring.

John Cena, I need you to understand something. This Sunday at TLC, everything that you have worked so hard for, everything that you have fought so hard for, will come crashing down all around you.

---

John Cena: It's funny. I couldn't help but notice you said the word, "work." A little example, for one second. [Brings Daniel Bryan front and center, to the cheers and "YES!" chants of the Seattle crowd] Tell these people your name, please.

Daniel: My name is Daniel Bryan.

John: We'll get to know you a little bit more. Daniel, where are you from?

Daniel: I'm from Aberdeen, Washington.

JBL: Wherever that is.

John: Was either your father or your mother ever a Superstar, Hall of Fame, WWE Superstar at all? Father or mother, either one.

Daniel: No, my dad's a log scaler actually.

JBL: What?

John: So since you've been here, you've have to...work for everything you've got.

Daniel: Yes.

Crowd: [chanting] YES!

John: [back to Randy] You hear that? The reason they cheer for him is because he works and he earns it! A guy like you has been given every single thing in the WWE!

I'm about to hit you in the face with some truth. Ever since you came to the WWE Training Center, you were untouchable. You were bulletproof. You couldn't be fired. Nobody could touch Randy Orton because they liked you. And then you get to the WWE, and what happens? You get sheltered by the best performer in the business. Nothing's changed, Randy. All do you is hide behind Triple H; all you do is hide behind Stephanie McMahon; and you got the balls to stand in this ring and say you're better that everybody here?! Say you're bigger than all of this?!

You have always blamed everybody else for your failures, you've pointed fingers, and you've made excuses. You've had behavior problems in the ring, you've had behavior problems outside the ring. And the sad thing is, the TLC match this Sunday is the biggest in WWE history. That's why everybody is here tonight. This changes the very course of the WWE. But you want these championships because you're selfish! Because you feel you deserve it! And maybe, just maybe, if you hold onto this, you can finally walk around with the rest of the Superstars and say, "Hey, guys, look. I'm finally what I was supposed to be ten years ago."

Every single time I have held either of these championships, my business card reads the same: "You want some? Come get some!"

And here's the real truth. Whether these guys in the ring like me or not, they respect me because they know it. Whether it's Triple H or Shawn Michaels in a WrestleMania match, whether it's Booker T. Hell, nobody wanted to give Dolph Ziggler a chance, and what did I do? I said, "Let's fight." Everybody said it was a bad idea to give CM Punk a championship match when he was gonna leave the WWE; all I saw was the best in the world. Hell, the only legitimate championship shot Daniel Bryan's ever had was against me, and he won! [Turns to Daniel] So I'll say it here in front of your hometown. If I win on Sunday, [shakes his hand] I look forward to the rematch. A fair rematch.

You see, that's what being a champion is all about—a certain level of respect. And last week, I wasn't gonna take you out. I just wanted to make a statement that when the chips are down, I can be just as brutal as you. So right now, I'm gonna make one more statement because I know exactly what this means. [Sticks out his hand] This Sunday will be physical and it will be brutal, and I will be at my very best. I just hope you are too, because after this Sunday, the last thing anyone is gonna wanna deal with is just another Randy Orton excuse. Good luck on Sunday, you're gonna need it.

December 30

Bray Wyatt: [to a beaten-down Daniel Bryan] This is where our story ends. I have no mercy left to give! It could've been different, it could've been better, it could've been perfect! No, this is your fault. I'm gonna punish you. I want you to open your eyes. [Pulls Daniel by the hair] Open your eyes and look at your dismay! Open your eyes, Bryan! This is the end.

Daniel: You're right.

Bray Wyatt: Say it again. Say that again.

Daniel: You're right.

Bray Wyatt: Say it again! Say it again! Get up and say it again! Say it!

Crowd: [chanting] NO!

Bray Wyatt: [indicating the mic] You want this? [Bray hands it to Daniel] Say it!

Daniel: You're right. You were always right. No matter how many matches I won, no matter how loud these people cheered for me, you were always right. The machine...the machine would never let me win. No matter how loud you people chanted. You chanted "YES!" in every building I've ever been to, and they don't care. I'm yours. Let me join the Family.

[Daniel crawls to Bray. Bray picks up Daniel, kisses him on the forehead, and hits him with Sister Abigail.]

Bray Wyatt: Remember, Bryan, this is forever. This is going to change everything!

2014

March 3

Paul Heyman: [on the Chicago crowd chanting "CM PUNK!"] I believe he deserves louder than that!

Fans: [chanting] CM PUNK!

[Paul sits in the middle of the ring]

Paul: I came here tonight to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy. A Paul Heyman guy that was never truly wanted in WWE; a Paul Heyman guy that they thought was too small to main-event WrestleMania; a Paul Heyman guy that didn't have the right corporate look; a Paul Heyman guy that had too many tattoos; a Paul Heyman guy that would rebel against the current system, against the authority, against the first family to such a degree that they didn't want him in WWE from day one, and they don't want him in WWE right now. I came here tonight to tell you the story of a Paul Heyman guy that had the balls to say what nobody else had the balls to say. I came here tonight to tell you about a Paul Heyman guy that was born in, raised in and still lives in Chicago. My name is Paul Heyman, and, ladies and gentlemen, this is my pipe bomb about CM Punk...who is not here this evening.

And here's the biggest part of my pipe bomb. [crowd chants louder] Hey, if you're looking for me to disagree with you, I'm sorry, I don't. No one is more disappointed that he can't see CM Punk perform in this ring tonight than I am. No one. Because if CM Punk were here tonight, he would be doing exactly what he always claimed to do, he would be proving his detractors wrong and he would be showing the entire WWE Universe that he is the best in the world.

So what really happened? Why isn't CM Punk here tonight? Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk any more? Because there is a finger to point around here, there is someone to blame, there is someone to hold accountable why CM Punk just wouldn't just wouldn't put up with it anymore. And ladies and gentlemen, there comes a time where you have to risk your own job security and point that finger of blame; and tonight, in this very ring, I point the blame for the fact that CM Punk is not here tonight, I point that finger at each and every single one of you!

Oh, you can boo me all you want. The truth hurts, doesn't it? This is why I've always found it so much easier in life to lie. People accept lies so much easier, but the truth does sting just a little bit, doesn't it? The fact is, when CM Punk was with me, CM Punk was the longest-reigning WWE Champion of the past twenty-five years. I provided CM Punk the bosom from which his soul could be nourished. And then, then, you took him away from me. You made CM Punk your hero, you said you would give CM Punk your love, your affection, your respect, your affirmation. And how far did it get you? You didn't just take CM Punk away from me, you took CM Punk away from yourselves.

I don't just blame each and every single one of you, I blame someone else as well: I blame the Undertaker. Because this entire downward spiral began when we couldn't beat the Streak at last year's WrestleMania. And if anyone wants to carry a message to the Undertaker, carry this: Paul Heyman wants revenge. So how do you get revenge against the Undertaker? How do you kill what's already dead? The fact is, I want to see the Streak taken away from the Undertaker. And there's only one man on the face of the planet that can do it. I want that Streak beaten, I want the Undertaker stripped of the streak, I want the streak conquered. And there's only one man that can conquer that Streak, [Paul stands up] and he's my best friend in the world. He is the conqueror, he is the beast incarnate, Brock Lesnar!

March 10

Bray Wyatt: [to Hulk Hogan and John Cena] I have always been fascinated with pride. It is my favorite sin. It has the power to blind even the strongest men, even those who claim to be immortal. Hey kids, take your vitamins and say your prayers! All praise be to the virtue of hustle, loyalty, and respect, as if they can do you any good.

You are both liars, and your foolish pride allows you to prey upon the weak and fill them up with this hope. But hope is dead, as will be your legacy, John. I can see it in your eyes. You don't get it. And how could you possibly get something that you can't comprehend?! But I'll lay it out for you, John, right now. If you look up at me, you will see a friend; if you look down at me, you will see an enemy; but if you look at me square in the eyes, you will see a god.

John Cena: Do you even listen to all that weird crap you're saying? You just said pride was the fall of man, and then you follow up by saying when I look at you, I should see a god. I look at you and I don't see a god. I see a homeless dude that spent too many years [singing] wastin' away again in Margaritaville, lookin' for his lost shaker of salt.

Oh, no, no, no, you didn't find any salt. You found two goons, a tiki torch, and a rocking chair from Cracker Barrel. And now you think you can waltz out here in a Hawaiian shirt and a fedora and be somebody? Well, I say prove it.

---

Daniel Bryan: The Yes Movement is live tonight right here in Memphis, Tennessee! Now earlier tonight, Stephanie McMahon came out here and "apologized." Did any of you think that was sincere? [The crowd chants "NO!"] Yeah, me neither. And you see, The Authority wants to scare me into falling in line. They want to scare me into coming out here and apologizing for something I should've done a long time ago, which is kick Triple H in the face. Well, you see, Hunter, you can't have it both ways. If you wanna be COO and be all corporate and come out in your suit and tie and all that kind of staff, that is fine. But if you wanna lay your hands on me, if you wanna send people down here to beat me down, if you wanna Pedigree me, if you wanna get my face, and you expect me to back down, I am not going to. I AM GOING TO FIGHT!

And if you want me to apologize for standing up for myself, I don't got two words for ya, I got one. NO! And Hunter, it ends here tonight. Tonight is when it ends. Because we are all tired of you. You are not listening to me, you are not listening to these people, you are not listening to any of us. But tonight we're gonna make it so you have to listen to us. Because tonight the Yes Movement is in full effect and tonight we are going to occupy Raw!

You see, I'm not gonna leave this ring until I get what I want which is a match with Triple H at WrestleMania. And I know... I know that you've heard people say that all the time, they're not gonna leave this ring. But tonight, I am not alone. I am going to fill this ring, I am going to fill this arena, I am going to fill this whole place with the Yes Movement right here! And I know, I get it. It's unlawful, it's dangerous, it's subject to prosecution, all that jazz. But I talked to some members of the Yes Movement earlier today, and I'd like them to come down here right now. [Several people in Daniel Bryan shirts fill the ring and the ringside area] Because you see, we are not going to take it anymore. We are one, we stand together, we are united! And we are not going to leave this ring until The Authority gives us what we want!

---

Triple H: Alright Daniel, congratulations. You got your own little Occupy Raw Movement. I am sure all of the other dirty little hippies and trolls that live under the bridge with you are very happy for you. And while I'm happy all of you can have a moment, now this is the part where reality comes crashing down on all of you. You all... that includes all of you have about 30 seconds to get out of our ring before we call security and have you all arrested. I'll give you to 30; talk amongst yourselves. [The Movement chants "NO!"] That's it, get out of your system, is that all you got?! Come on, I know the fat guy right up front does not have much more in him. I can see him sweatin', come on. Give it to me, chubby, come on. Aw, you petered out, didn't ya. That's too bad 'cause your 30 seconds of glory are up, you losers. SECURITY!

Daniel: Wait a second, Hunter. You ask us to leave? What do you think if everybody here in this colosseum just walks out to the parking lot right now? We can set up our own ring and you can have Raw in front of an arena of empty chairs. What do you think about that, Hunter?

Triple H: [to two security personnel] Security, throw these people out.

Daniel: Uh-oh guys, here they come. Here they come, all two of them, all two of them.

[The two approach the Movement, then walk back up the ramp]

Stephanie McMahon: DO YOUR JOB! JUST CLEAR THAT RING! That's it. All of you have been manipulated by Daniel Bryan. But you're too blind to see, you're wrapped up in this power trip. Listen, power can go to your heads, okay? But it's false power, it's false pride, and Daniel Bryan is the wrong horse to back. You really think Daniel Bryan is worth it?!

Daniel: You see, Stephanie, Hunter, this is the problem. You guys and people like you underestimate the power of these people. Stephanie, last week, you told everybody here that you own this ring, that you own this arena, that you own me, that you own these people. Guess what, YOU DON'T OWN ANY OF THIS! WE OWN THIS RING!

---

Stephanie: I have enough of this. Don't you disrespect my husband! Don't you disrespect my family's name! My great-grandfather, my grandfather. When I was born, this place became mine! IT IS ALL MINE! AND I DO OWN YOU! I DO OWN YOU! GET OUT! I SAID GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!

Daniel: You see, Stephanie, they are saying No! They are saying No! We are not leaving until we get what we want. And Hunter, you know exactly what we want. A match between you and me at WrestleMania XXX. Go ahead, Hunter. Give us what we want and we'll give you your show back. It is simple as that. You guys like to lay out ultimatums, I'm laying out an ultimatum too. You don't get your show back until we get what we want.

Triple H: You wanna know what the truth is, Daniel? Truth is, I actually like you. I actually saw something in you. So, you know what? I took it upon myself to try to protect you. To protect you from everything that would happen when you were successful. You would be run out of here, so I tried to protect you. I PROTECTED YOU AT SUMMERSLAM! I PROTECTED YOU EVER SINCE THEN! And what happens? This happens! You wanna know why I didn't fight you at WrestleMania? For your own good, Daniel. Because I will end all of this because at WrestleMania. I will not stop until I end you, that's the way I operate. And that's the way it's gonna be! YOU WANNA FIGHT ME AT WRESTLEMANIA? [The arena chants "YES!"] THEN BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! YOU'RE ON! Now, now, shut up and get the hell out of my ring!

Daniel: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Hunter, Hunter, Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. I'm sorry. I... I mispoke earlier, uh, that's... that's not exactly all that I want. You see, because as much as these people want to see me fight you at WrestleMania, what they really want is to see me fighting for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. So here is what we really want. If I beat you at WrestleMania XXX, I get added to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match, so that then, the main event would be Randy Orton vs Batista vs Daniel Bryan!

[Triple H charges the ring, but is held back by the two security personnel]

Triple H: YOU WANT THAT? YOU GET ALL OF IT! YOU GET ME, YOU GET YOUR DEAL! GET OUT OF MY RING, AND I'M GONNA END THIS AT WRESTLEMANIA! YOU CAN BET YOUR ASS!

April 7

Paul: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar! The conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak, a streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century. A quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror, Brock Lesnar!

Crowd: [chant] BULLSHIT!

Paul: I understand how you feel. You're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so, but ladies and gentlemen, WE TOLD YOU SO!!! My client stood before you with a shirt. Now, here it is, and I know how difficult it is for you to read, but it says, [pointing across Brock's shirt] "Eat, sleep, break the Streak"! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports-entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar! Hey, let's get one thing straight. Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces; Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.

But now that you know all the headlines, let’s go a little bit off-page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at WrestleMania, the Undertaker collapsed, and all the... [turns to audience] Oh, I know you don't want to hear this story, do you; it's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking, and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man to ever have the pleasure of meeting me, the chairman of the board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left WrestleMania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today for a severe concussion. He came [holds fingers about an inch apart] this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because, if he did, he would have had a broken neck, Brock Lesnar would have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.

Here's what really gets to me. When the match was over, [points to announcers] John "Bradshaw" Layfield and those two other things that call themselves announcers stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—Superdome, Hogan, not Silverdome—and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand. Brock Lesnar always taught me, in every fight, there's a winner and a loser. Well last night, the Undertaker was a loser, and the winner, whether you like it or not, was BROCK LESNAR!!!

But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. Do you know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect someone who's gonna fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!

So notice this, okay? There's a lot of people in the back who sit there and say, "I could've been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon." But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon, John Cena never fought in an Octagon, the Undertaker never fought in an Octagon! You know why?! They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one! There's a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, the Ultimate Fighting Champion, the Undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion. The Rock never pulled that off, Hulk Hogan never pulled that off, Stone Cold Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one!

And then you've got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, [mocking] "Hey, Paul, I could've been the one to break the Streak. I could've beaten the Undertaker." So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak, Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak, Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes; Brock Lesnar is the one because Brock Lesnar is the 1 in 21-1.

I'm sorry, are you saying "What?" to me

Crowd: WHAT?!

Paul: Oh, I forgot who you are, so I'll say it slowly for you. Brock...Lesnar...is...the...one...in...twenty...one...and...one!

Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famers, there are Legends, and there are WWE Superstars, and the key to that is that they're all plural. They're all lumped together. And then there's only one that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There is only one Beast Incarnate, there's only one conqueror of the Streak, and there's only one Brock Lesnar.

---

Jim Hellwig AKA Ultimate Warrior: Speak to me, Warriors! As I thought about what I was gonna say this evening, it's been hard for me to find the words. [Pulls a face-paint mask out of his pocket and puts it on] Well, then, you shut up, Warrior, and let me do the talking. No WWE talent becomes a legend on their own. Every man's heart one day beats its final beat, his lungs breathe their final breath, and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others, and makes them bleed deeper and something than larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory of those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever. You, you, you, you, you, you are the legend makers of Ultimate Warrior. In the back, I see many potential legends, some of them with Warrior spirits, and you will do the same for them. You will decide if they live with the passion and intensity. So much so that you will tell your stories and you will make them legends as well. I am Ultimate Warrior, you are the Ultimate Warrior fans, and the spirit of Ultimate Warrior will run forever!

June 9

Dean Ambrose: The Shield was untouchable. We will go down in the history books as one of the greatest groups in sports entertainment ever. We dominated WWE, we beat everybody, including Evolution. But we weren't healthy. We had a cancer inside of us, little did we know. And that's cancer's name... that cancer's name was Seth Rollins.

History is full of people like you, Seth. Everybody in this building knows somebody like you, Seth. The kind of guy who would stab his brother in the back. Suck up, sell out to The Authority. When I get the opportunity to rearrange your face -- which I will -- your nose isn't going to be here anymore, it's going to be over here by your ear. I say ear because you're only going to have one left. I'm going to rip your dirty stinking hair out by the roots. I'm going to stuff it in your mouth. There'll be plenty of room from where your teeth used to be.

Seth Rollins... my brother... you are scum. And we are looking forward to what that scum has to say tonight. We want you stand out here in this ring in front of the whole world and lie through your teeth. We want you to stand out here in the middle of this ring in front of the whole world and we want them to hear Triple H's words coming out of your mouth. We're going to listen to every word of it, and then we're going to beat the hell out of you.

Roman Reigns: Seth, you committed the most unforgivable sin. You're the scum of the earth! There's things you don't do in life: You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't piss in the wind, and you don't ever stab your brothers in the back. But you're only part of the problem. The other parts are Randy Orton and Triple H. Randy Orton, he runs around here and he thinks everybody owes him something. He thinks he's the face of the company. When I get my hands on you Randy, you're gonna be the ass of this company!

And when I'm done with you, I'm coming for you Triple H. "The King of Kings" ooooooh.

Dean Ambrose: Ooooooh.

Roman Reigns: We're gonna have our own Game Of Thrones. BELIEVE THAT!

---

Michael Cole: Seth, Welcome. It's been a lot of...a lot of talk over the last week about why...

Seth Rollins: Michael, let me let me stop you before you get started here because I don't...[crowd booing] Look I don't get it. I don't understand what all the controversy you talking about is all about. I mean are we just talking about what I did last week? Is that the whole deal? Because to me, that wasn't a big deal. I was just doing what was best for business. What was best for MY business. The Shield Michael. The greatest faction in the history of WWE, created by me. You don't think I have the right to destroy my own creation? It takes an architect, a mastermind to put together a faction like the Shield. Do you think Dean Ambrose is in anyway responsible for that? Dean Ambrose is a lunatic. Given a week to his own devices, he's face down in a ditch. And Roman Reigns...the golden boy...you'll never see anger and fury in a man like you've seen in Roman Reigns. But without someone to harness that, to control it, he's nothing. He's worthless. Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are nothing without me. They owe me every ounce of success they have ever achieved!

Michael Cole: Seth, many people will argue that the Shield was about three individuals who came together to form an awesome team, not just about one man.

Seth Rollins: You know, I guess we'll find out later tonight when the uh...the pathetic remnants of the Shield have their last hurrah out here against the Wyatt Family. But let me ask you a question Michael. Why is this such a surprise? I took the Shield to the very top, as high as we can go, we beat everybody alright. We conquered the world Michael. At Payback, we beat Evolution in a clean sweep. And from every experience in life, you should learn something. You know what I have learned from Evolution? I learned that to be success in this business, you have to evolve. You have to adapt!

Crowd: [chanting] YOU SOLD OUT!

Seth Rollins: No no no no no I bought in. I bought in to the evolution of Seth Rollins. And another thing, another thing [points to Michael Cole] you won't admit, [points to crowd] that none of you will admit. It took a lot of guts to do what I did last week. And everybody is fixated on the fact that I stabbed my "brothers" in the back. That I betrayed my "brothers". And maybe to Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose, we were brothers. But to me, they were just business partners. And I severed a business relationship. You know, for two years every night, I came out here and I put my fist out and I say Believe In The Shield. And every night, what I meant is what I'm going to tell you right now, is that you, and everybody else have better start believing in Seth Rollins!

So that's it, Michael. That's all you wanted to hear right? Oh oh wait wait wait I heard earlier tonight, I was watching Dean Ambrose say that he was gonna let me say my piece and then they were gonna come out here and kick the hell out of me. Well...[throws the chair out the ring] I said my piece!

July 7

Paul: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1. I serve as the advocate for Brock Lesnar, who conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. I am also pleased and proud to represent...

Cesaro: Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, you can't talk to those people in English. They're French Canadians. But they don't speak French. No, they speak Quebecois. The French can't stand them, neither can the rest of Canada, et tout le monde sait que les Québécois sont pourris.

July 21

[After Kofi Kingston and Big E Langston lose their match]

Xavier Woods: Everybody listen. I need you to pay attention to what I am about to say. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You cannot move ahead by shaking hands, kissing babies, singing and dancing like a puppet! You cannot move ahead by always doing what you're told. Now...this is our time, this is our place. It is time for us to find focus. It is up to us to find order. Together, it is our time to find purpose. Because we do not ask any longer. Now...we take.

---

Paul: [to Triple H] Mr. COO, you...you know how much respect I have for you, sir. I...I hate to point out the obvious, but "Plan A" just...just isn't working with Randy Orton, not while Roman Reigns is around. And...I mean, "Plan B," I like "Plan B," Seth Rollins is great, but every time Seth Rollins is gonna try to cash in that Money in the Bank briefcase, Dean Ambrose is going to stop him. Which is why, Triple H, I think the Authority has the uncomfortable decision right now to agree with me that you need to make the dangerous choice of implementing "Plan C."

---

Paul: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client, BROCK LESNAR conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania! Which is why, at this moment, my client hereby officially announces his intention to conquer John Cena and take the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam. Now, my client officially acknowledges this divide that permeates through the WWE Universe. There are those who wear their green t-shirts and their pump-up sneakers, and they scream with great passion their love and adulation for their hero by saying at the top of their lungs, "let's go, Cena!" And there are those who offer the contrarian opinion, and whose mommies don't tuck them into bed at night, and they will say with great fervor and passion, "Cena sucks!"

Now, it doesn't matter to my client which side of the fence you want to ride on. This malpracticing "Doctor of Thuganomics" is in for the beating of a lifetime. I don't just stand out here and spew hype and hyperbole; I exploit historical facts to shove my points down your throats. To wit: I offer you what happened the last time my client, Brock Lesnar, zeroed in on someone and decided to give them a beating.

[Shows footage of Brock Lesnar defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania]

You know, for years, everybody said, "I want to be the one to beat the Undertaker and snap the Streak." But that wasn't good enough for Brock Lesnar. At WrestleMania, my client, Brock Lesnar, gave such a violent beating to the Undertaker that Vince McMahon had to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with the Undertaker because even our heartless chairman was concerned for a dead man's well being and life.

Oh, John Cena? That same beating awaits you. And please don't confuse my client with some stereotypical villain that comes out here and say, "John, you can escape this beating by giving up your title and laying it down at my feet." Brock Lesnar makes you no such offer. John Cena, you can't escape this beating.

At SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will take John Cena down! Brock Lesnar will punch John Cena's face in! John Cena, you are going to be hurt by Brock Lesnar! Brock Lesnar is going to injure John Cena! Brock Lesnar is going to mangle John Cena! And then, and only then, Brock Lesnar is going to F-5 John Cena and strip John Cena of the dignity of being the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the same way Brock Lesnar stripped the Undertaker of his dignity and exposed the Streak as just being a myth; the same myth that Brock Lesnar hears every week on television when John Cena is referred to as being the greatest WWE champion of all time. Fifteen World Titles in 10 years. Now that sounds like something worth conquering.

I pledge allegiance to the greatness of the conquerer who stands before me, and to his dominance, for which I stand, one Cenation, under John, now divisible, with no more hustle, loyalty, or respect for all!

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the 1 in 21-1, and at SummerSlam, my client, Brock Lesnar, will beat John Cena and become the WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world!

August 11

Paul: He's a 15-time Champ, and he likes to have his fun.

But not at your expense, so let us school you, son.

No, we're not from West Newbury; no we can't hip hop like you.

My client is The Conqueror, I'm just Brock's advocating Jew.

You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,

And on the 17th of August, on your title, he shall feast.

You don't like Paul Heyman guys, you think their attitude's too smug.

You gonna beat Brock's ass, 'cause you the doctor of the thugs?

I mean, you've beaten all the best, but now Lesnar's on your plate.

You say your time is now. Brock says your calendar's out-of-date.

So here's some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near,

Get it out your damn system when you say, "the champ is here."

Because we're six days away from the West Coast's biggest arena

Where my client, Brock Lesnar, will conquer John Cena.

August 18

Paul: Um...ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the 1 in 21-1. Last night at SummerSlam, my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimize; my client conquered the titleholder, which affords me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new, reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, Brock Lesnar!

Now let's get down to business, shall we? My client has authorized me to let you know a secret that I don't even think the Authority wants revealed tonight, which is, ladies and gentlemen, John Cena...is not here this evening. Aw, don't get me wrong. John Cena would be here if John Cena could be here, but John Cena can't be here because John Cena can't physically appear, and that's all thanks to my client, Brock Lesnar!

Brock: I love it when you say that. Say that again please.

Paul: Brock Lesnar! Now, I have been in this industry in one form or another since I was 14 years old, and I have never in my life seen a superstar take an ass-kicking the likes that John Cena took last night at the hands of my client, Brock Lesnar. Now, we're not just talking any superstar; we're talking a top superstar. And not just any top superstar; we're talking the top superstar. The top superstar of a generation. And just to put this into historical perspective for you, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's run on top, legendary. How long? Three years? Three and a half years, maybe? Stone Cold Steve Austin's run on top. How long? Four years? Four and a half years? There's been one constant in the WWE Title picture, there's been one WrestleMania main event they're guaranteeing almost every year, there's been one man in WWE for the past ten years, and that man has been John Cena! And you have to give credit where credit's due. Any man in that unprecedented position, after thirty seconds last night, would've just turned the title over to Brock Lesnar; would've given up, would've tapped out, would've survived to fight another day. But no, not John Cena.

And as I stood right here [pointing to the ringside floor], with the best seat in the house, and I witnessed the suffering on John Cena's face, it was at that moment, Brock, that I truly understood. 'Cause we'd never gotten it before, but I got it last night. I could never understand why so many people who love John Cena, love him with such a passion. My own children are John Cena fans, which really pisses me off to begin with, but now I get it! Now I understand why! 'Cause John Cena was taking this heinous, vicious, violent beating, and he kept coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, and coming back for more, 'cause when John Cena says, "never give up," John Cena means never give up. John Cena, you earned my respect and my admiration to the point where, if I had time on my hands, I would love to make you a Paul Heyman guy. Yeah. Hey, you can knock me all you want, I'll tell you to the straight. If they wrote The History of WWE right before Brock Lesnar pinned John Cena last night, John Cena would go down as the single greatest fighting champion in WWE history.

Unfortunately, my client, Brock Lesnar, does not share these opinions! In Brock Lesnar's universe, John Cena walked into this ring a hero, and left a martyr. And in Brock Lesnar's universe, the credo that martyrdom equals street cred does not apply. And even if it did apply, he who dies with the most street cred wins? [Imitates buzzer] Wrong answer. In Brock Lesnar's universe, he who dies with the most street cred still dies! Dies at the hands of the Conqueror, Brock Lesnar, just like the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Undertaker's career died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like this whole stupid concept of hustle, loyalty, and respect died at the hands of Brock Lesnar! Just like the Cenation died and was conquered by Brock Lesnar!

And here's the problem. The same fate awaits any man that walks into the Beast's lair and tried to take away from Brock Lesnar the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. And it's almost an unfair fight to begin with, because anybody that steps into this ring is just a challenger. Just a man. My client is not a man. My client is the Beast, and this beast will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take that title away from him, which means the same beating awaits, which makes every single title defense by Brock Lesnar not only must-see, but can't-miss.

Now, if you're too cheap or too stupid or too blind or too ignorant to spend $9.99 on the WWE Network, let me tell you what happened last night. My client, Brock Lesnar, imposed his will on John Cena, and this, ladies and gentlemen, is what they call basic Brockanomics. Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat. Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat! Suplex, repeat!

Brock Lesnar lives by the motto, Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat! Eat, sleep, F-5, repeat! Eat, sleep, victimize, repeat! Eat, sleep, beat, repeat. Eat...sleep...conquer...[waves hand in front of face like...] John Cena.

October 20

[Dean Ambrose watches See No Evil 2 and slowly eats popcorn when he gets startled by John Cena]

John Cena: What are you doing?

Dean: Doing some research for our match tonight. See No Evil 2 starring Kane; this guy is sick, twisted, sadistic.

John Cena: This is...this is what you do? This is your plan? This is your strategy, movie night?

Dean: See, me and you are kinda like a comic book movie. It's like Superman teaming up with Batman. You stand for truth, justice, and the American way, nice American square jaw on you. I like to beat up scumbags. I've been known to wear a cape. But really, we just don't mix.

John Cena: What are you even... we have a match tonight, and the three people in that match are gonna do whatever they can to take both of us out of commission before Hell in a Cell. How are we gonna handle it?

Dean: Relax. This might surprise you, but even though I am undefeated in contract-on-a-pole matches, handicapped street fights are my specialty, so here's how we're going to handle it. We're gonna throw punches at anything that moves, and if they insist on taking us down, we're gonna take as many of them down with us as we can. That's how we handle it.

John Cena: I like it. I like it. The whole Batman thing...does not fit you. You...are much more like the Joker.

Dean: [after John leaves] Why so serious?

December 8

AJ Lee: [accepting the Diva of the Year Slammy] Okay, so, three years ago, I promised all of you I would redefine the term "diva," and I am very proud to say that I sure have done that. You can be a nerd, you can be a tomboy, and you can still be the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. So I hope that means that next year, this award is won by Bayley or Sasha or Charlotte or Emma or Paige. Any of those girls can be next in line for the throne, but I'm not done being queen. And Sunday, I will take back what is mine, and I will become the four-time Divas Champion.

2015

March 9

Paul Heyman: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and all day long they've been trying to get me to preview this video but instead I decided to come out here live and watch this video along with every single one of you.

[the video is an interview bewteen Roman Reigns and Byron Saxton, with footage of his career through NXT and WWE, as well as previous facings with Heyman.]

Paul Heyman: Mhm, okay. So Roman Reigns makes some interesting points to which, ladies and gentlemen, I shall retort "Here comes the pain". The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World: BROCK LESNAR!

[Lesnar's music hits as he comes down to the ring. The announcers discuss about Reigns' chances to beat Lesnar.]

Paul Heyman: Now, I understand what a fan-pleasing video that was, but to my client, that was nothing short of sheer propaganda. If it came out of the tail end of a bull, it wouldn't smell any different. [mocking] "Oh, Roman Reigns was the stand-out in NXT who went on to become the badass of The Shield, where he was also a stand-out, and then he defeated 29 other WWE Superstars at the Royal Rumble to become the #1 Contender, and even defended his right to main-event WrestleMania when he beat Daniel Bryan at WWE Fastlane. Yaaaay!"

I've known that family since I was 14 years old, and I already stooged this off to my client. Let me tell you the truth about Roman Reigns because the WWE Universe likes to live vicariously through its own fantasies: that propaganda was pure fantasy. The truth is, when Roman Reigns was 9 years old, his father, who's one generation removed from cannibals, used to take Roman and his bunch of savage cousins down to all the bars in Pensacola where the local football players would hang out, and they would point out the football players and say: "One man left standing, don't bother coming home for dinner tonight." Roman Reigns' uncle would them take him down to the beach in Pensacola with his other criminal cousins and point out all the muscleheads and say, "One musclehead left standing, don't bother coming home tonight. Take him out with a punch. Take him out with a tackle." Two moves that you see him do today.

And the same applies at WrestleMania: "Roman Reigns, go to WrestleMania and beat Brock Lesnar for that title, or don't bother calling yourself a member of this family." It's a powerful, profound motivation for any young man—let alone the baddest member of that family—except for one problem: Roman Reigns, you will not beat Brock Lesnar for that title at WrestleMania. Even more so, Roman Reigns, I promise you this: Brock Lesnar will not lose the title to you at WrestleMania.

And just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the whole world's not against us. I know what goes on behind the scenes. So if The Authority has it in their head that somehow get that title away from Brock Lesnar and place it on Roman Reigns, so Seth Rollins can cash-in Money In The Bank on Roman Reigns—'cause he ain't man enough to cash it in on Brock Lesnar—and that's what they're thinking, because Seth Rollins will be cheaper as champion than Brock Lesnar, let me spell this one out for you: If anybody has it in their heads to pull a Montreal Screwjob on Brock Lesnar for the title at WrestleMania, my client assures me any single person involved in a Montreal scenario will not leave that stadium alive!

You see, while Roman Reigns is coming in to WrestleMania with the mindset that he wants to stay a member of his family, even if he has to bite Brock Lesnar's face off, Brock Lesnar can get his face stitched up, but the beating, the sheer beating that Brock Lesnar's going to give Roman Reigns at WrestleMania, it's gonna make every single one of you respect Roman Reigns, because when they're wheeling Roman Reigns down the street after the beating that he takes from Brock Lesnar, each and everyone of you is going to say: "Yo, that's one badass Samoan. He took an ass-kicking like nobody else I've ever seen." When Roman Reigns is too— [Heyman's microphone is shut off. He walks around in the ring and begins clapping at the microphone.]

You know what I really like the most about this? I like how Oz behind the curtain or in the production truck likes to shut off my microphone, instead of coming down to the ring and take it out of my hand... Instead of someone in the position of authority around here comes down to the ring and takes that title away from Brock Lesnar. And if you would like to take the title away from Brock Lesnar: Go ahead! Grab a leg! Take your best shot! Because if Brock Lesnar wants to spend his summer unifying the WWE and the UFC Title, THAT'S WHAT HE'S GONNA DO! [The mic cuts off again] Hey, censor this one: If Brock Lesnar decides to go to Las Vegas and smack around Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao—[talking to Lesnar] by the way, do you realize that if you combine Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, together they're still ten pound shy of you?—that's what Brock Lesnar is going to do! Here's a message for everyone to keeps on shutting off my damn microphone: This title no longer belongs to WWE! This title belongs to Brock Lesnar! It's his! AND HE'S NOT GIVING IT BACK!

In 2002, they took a rookie and they put him in the ring with The Rock, 'cause they thought The Rock would make headlines beating a former NCAA Division I Heavyweight Champion, and that rookie set Dwayne Johnson off to Hollywood. In 2014, they took this accomplished athlete, the first man to hold the NCAA Division I Heavyweight Championship, the UFC Title and the WWE Title, and they fed him to the unbeatable Undertaker at WrestleMania, thinking he be the 0 in 22-0, and he didn't just kill the streak: he damn nearly killed The Undertaker, to where now Bray Wyatt has to resurrect him. At SummerSlam, one beast suplexed John Cena out of the main event in WrestleMania. So here's my question, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause it's all the same answer. Who did that to The Rock? Who did that to The Undertaker? Who did that to John Cena? And what the hell do you think he's going to do to Roman Reigns at WrestleMania? The answer to these questions is this: Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar, Brock Lesnar: The reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the World, The Beast, The Conqueror, and the one that's gonna leave Roman Reigns flat on his back at WrestleMania... BROCK LESNAR!

March 30

Paul: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am the advocate for the most non-PG ass-kicker of the PG era, BROCK LESNAR! So let's talk about it, let's get it out of the way. What happened last night at WrestleMania? My client, as we told you he would do, laid a beating on a Samoan badass the likes of which no one had ever seen before at WrestleMania. My client took his hands, put them on the #1 challenger for the World Title and did nothing but suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex, suplex him right through the canvas! [The crowd chants, "Suplex City!" which draws a laugh from Brock] Or, as my client Brock Lesnar said, "Suplex City, bitch!"

So now, Brock Lesnar is bitch-slapping Roman Reigns all over the ring, and what happens? What happens? This Samoan, this Samoan whose predecessors were eating human flesh, was sitting there eating the pain and liking the taste and smiling at Brock Lesnar and saying, "I'm gonna bring the same right back to you!" I will not spend my time tonight singing Roman Reigns's [sic] praises. I will tell you he can sink or swim on his own from here, but my client almost respects Roman Reigns. Kid, you still got a ways to go.

So then, Brock Lesnar got bored. Brock Lesnar was hungry. He wanted to go out for dinner. And Brock Lesnar says, "good night, everybody," picks Roman Reigns up on his shoulders, F-5!...And here comes slimy, disgusting, little Seth Rollins, who cashes in Money in the Bank, makes it a triple threat, Curb Stomps everyone in sight, and scores a pinfall on the challenger, not the champion, and scurries away the most undeserving WWE Champion of anybody's lifetime. [aside to Brock] I got this.

You all know my father was a prominent New York attorney, and I have apprised my client of his legal rights, that I can go to Sacramento, get an immediate injunction at the 7th Circuit Court [sic], I can have the decision reversed, Seth Rollins will no longer be the winner, I will tie WWE up in litigation for the next three or four months, have the title held up. Unfortunately for me, my client Brock Lesnar thinks all lawyers are scumbags, and Brock Lesnar will not file an injunction, will not go to the 7th Circuit Court, does not want to tie up WWE in litigation; my client Brock Lesnar wants to invoke his rematch clause! And ladies and gentlemen, I have been authorized to tell you, that rematch will not happen at SummerSlam, will not happen at next year's WrestleMania, will not happen at Extreme Rules, will not happen at Payback! That rematch clause is being invoked right here, right now, tonight!

---

Seth: You know, I...I actually just spoke with Stephanie McMahon before I came out here, and I...I'm feeling kinda jet-lagged, to be honest, and...and my foot kinda hurts a little bit from Curb Stomping you and Roman Reigns last night. So...I'm a fighting champion, and I'm going to give you your rematch, just...not tonight.

---

Stephanie McMahon: (after Lesnar attacks J&J Security, and F5'd Michael Cole, as well as a cameraman) Your actions have consequences! You're suspended indefinitely! GET OUT OF MY RING!

---

Stephanie McMahon: (being interviewed by Renee Young backstage afterwards about Brock Lesnar's actions) You know, Brock Lesnar will get his rematch when I say he gets his rematch but, Brock Lesnar, actually, I-I think I need to hit Brock Lesnar where it hurts. I don't think suspending him is enough. Actually, I think I'm gonna have to fine Brock Lesnar. I'm gonna have to fine him for all o-of the damage, all of the property damage, the emotional distress of these employees, you know. And if Brock Lesnar thinks for just one second that he can go back to MMA as he announced on SportsCenter, he just signed a contract with WWE. And you know what that means, Renee? That means I own that son of a bitch. (leaves)

July 20

[The Undertaker makes his entrance, as he attacked Brock Lesnar last night at Battleground]

The Undertaker: I stand here tonight a relentless, remorseless, cold-blooded, vengeful grim reaper. Streaks are made to be broken. That is the painful truth, but Lesnar, you had to continuously, week after week, month after month, remind everyone of your greatest accomplishment. Now, I say, enough! You have taken what once was smoldering ashes, and turned it into a raging inferno. Last night was my true resurrection. You see Lesnar, you can't kill what won't die. Unleashed forces will now set our careers toward new destinies. And I will challenge your mortality. I will conquer what has yet to be conquered. In the end, just like all living things, be it man, or beast, you will rest in peace!

September 21

Paige: Charlotte, she's so nice. This is all so nice. And you know what, you won the Championship yesterday, and this whole celebration is for Charlotte. But let's just think about who really made this possible, and that's me! No, shut up, Becky, shut up. This is patronizing. "Oh, I love you, daddy" and "oh my gosh, I wouldn't be here without you." Yeah, yeah, yeah, you sound like you just been inducted into the bloody Hall of Fame is what you sound like. Yes, I won the Championship too. You won it, so what? I won it on my first day. I won it twice. And you know what? Here's a little secret, champ to champ: title reigns end. And Nikki's going to get her rematch and she's going to bring her little hippie sister and her little third wheel and they're going to take that back and the Divas division is going to go back right where it was. There is no revolution, Charlotte! You are just a placeholder. No, no, no, Becky back off. You know what? You're never going to be a Divas champion. You know why? Because you're the least relevant of all of us. Let's go to Team BAD. They're all flash, no substance. Then you got Lana and Summer too busy trying to figure out who they want to climb onto next rather than the Divas division. And then you've got Nattie. Nattie, where are you? Do you even work here anymore? I can't see you, Mrs. Hart. And then you've got the Bellas. We all know the real reason they got to where they are. You all know the real reason. No, I'm not done. Stop trying to act like you are somebody because you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your old man.

November 9

Triple H: I just want to take a moment to acknowledge a great champion. I want to take a moment to acknowledge The Man, Seth Rollins. See, when Steph and I chose Seth Rollins as the future of the WWE, we had extremely high hopes for what that future would be, and Seth Rollins exceeded all those expectations.

Crowd: [chant] Thank you, Rollins!

Triple H: That's right. Thank you, Seth Rollins, for giving back to us the faith that we had in you. Because every obstacle that was put in front of him, every opponent, Seth Rollins made his way through and retained the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. But on his way to becoming one of the greatest WWE Champions of all time, tragedy fell upon Seth Rollins. In Dublin, Ireland, Seth blew out his knee. And while Seth Rollins is still The Man, Seth Rollins, right now, is no longer the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. [Mixed cheers and boos from crowd] That creates an interesting opportunity. Who is gonna step up? Who is gonna fill that void?

A few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, we determined a new #1 Contender. A #1 Contender who was going to face Seth Rollins at Survivor Series for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. I would like to bring that man out here right now. Please welcome Roman Reigns!

---

Triple H: [on the displayed Championship] Looks good, doesn't it? See, as of this moment, Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and as you know, as the whole world knows by now, there is a tournament taking place that starts tonight to determine who will be the brand new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And to me, that seems unfair. That seems unfair that Seth Rollins is no longer the World Heavyweight Champion, and it seems unfair that, while you earned the right to be the #1 Contender, it seems unfair to me that you just go back to the bottom of the pile and get thrown into this tournament and have to earn your way back up. It's terribly unfair, and the reality is, it doesn't have to be that way. It could be a lot easier. It could be a whole lot easier. You see, it could be that you don't have to enter that tournament. All those other guys could step into this ring and do battle just for the right to fight you at Survivor Series to see who becomes the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. That, in my opinion, seems much more fair.

And before you say anything, I want you to understand one thing, and I've never told you this before. But the reality of it is, back when we made Seth Rollins the future of the WWE, we strongly considered you first, and I mean strongly considered. All that time when Evolution was fighting the Shield, I was scouting. I'm always scouting, and I was looking at you. You have it all, Roman. The size, the strength, the speed, charisma, athleticism, the aggression, everything. You have everything you could want, except for one thing. Except for one thing, and that is the one thing that Seth Rollins had, was the willingness to do absolutely anything to be The Man. And that is why Seth Rollins has been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and you have not. How'd it feel? How'd it feel, WrestleMania, after winning the Royal Rumble, after going through all those people, after finally earning that spot, for Seth Rollins to roll in there and take your dream after from you? How'd that feel, Roman? Huh? Sting a little bit? I know how that felt, it sucks. Right? You're damn right, it does. You'll never know. Could you have beaten Brock Lesnar? Maybe. Could you have been the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? You'll never know. Could you have kept this title around your waist? You'll never know because Seth Rollins had a willingness to do absolutely anything, that you did not have, and he walked out of WrestleMania as the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.

And now, here you are. Here you are all these months later, and you still have all of that. All of those positives. You have dug and scratched and clawed to earn your way back to this, and you have met with wall after wall after wall. I can make those walls go away.

It doesn't have to that difficult, Roman, and I'm not asking you to do anything that you haven't already done. You've earned your spot. You've earned your spot. I'm asking you, do you want to be The Man? Because if you want to be The Man, Roman, all you have to do is be my man.

Roman Reigns: So you're gonna give me everything I've already earned, and all I have to do is sell out?

Triple H: "Sell-out." "Sell-out," that's an interesting word. You know what "sell-out" is? Sell-out is a word that people that don't succeed created to explain why people did what they could not do. Sell-out is a word they chant because they can never achieve what you can achieve. Don't... Roman, don't let some misguided morals ruin what you could get out of life. Are you kidding me? You think they're not gonna criticize? No matter what you do, if you get this, and I don't care how you get it, criticism comes with the gate, pal. That's the way it works. You win this, you don't wanna get criticized? Then do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. But if you want this, then be a reality man. See the reality of the situation. Understand that this comes with criticism, and you will never be liked by everybody, Roman.

Understand what I am offering you here. This is everything you've ever wanted. From the time you were a boy, [places the belt over Roman's shoulder] you wanted to put this on your shoulder, right? You wanted to say, "I'm the man." You wanted everything that comes with it. The respect, all of it. You don't wanna die, and on your tombstone, it says, "yeah, but everybody liked me." You want them to build a monument in your honor. Right? I am offering you an opportunity here for you and what is most important in your life, and I know what is most important in your life outside of this. It's your family. It's your family. I'm not talking about setting up your wife and your daughter, I'm talking about setting up your daughter's daughter, Roman. I'm talking about giving you everything you have ever wanted out of life. [Takes belt back and places on pedestal] All you have to do, all you have to do is be my man.

Roman Reigns: Everything I have in life, I earned it. Everything that I've done, I did it my way. I've never taken a handout, and nobody can ever take that away from me. But it ain't going down tonight; you can take your offer, and you can shove it.

Triple H: Roman, thank you. Thank you for reminding me why I didn't choose you in the first place.

November 16

Dean Ambrose: If I win the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, I'm gonna turn this whole place upside-down! We're throwing all the rules out the window! Ain't gonna be no more suits, ain't gonna be no more ties. More action, less talking! I want more pyro, I want breakfast for dinner, we're gonna replace Michael Cole with a fish tank. We're throwing all the rules out the window. This Sunday at Survivor Series, I make the entire WWE the Ambrose Asylum.

---

[At the contract signing for the WWE Divas Championship match at Survivor Series]

Michael Cole: Ladies, this is what the WWE fans are trying to figure out here. I mean, I was with you guys when you were at your NXT tryouts. You guys bonded, and over the last couple of years, you've become the best of friends. But what the WWE Universe can't figure out is where it all went wrong. What happened to the friendship between you two?

Paige: First of all, this is no friendships, Michael. When you're a true champion, there is no room for emotion or friendships. So I had to teach Charlotte that the hard way, and I intend to do so again this Sunday when I take back my Divas Championship.

[Paige signs the contract]

Charlotte: It must be exhausting being this bitter and angry all the time.

Paige: How have I been all angry, Charlotte? I don't even look that way.

Charlotte: What happened to you, Paige? What made you like this? You know, I didn't get into this business to make friends. But when I started at NXT, forget the fact that we came from the same background. I can't even believe I'm about to say this: I wanted to be like you. I was the naive, sweet Carolina girl; you were the British badass. You know, we didn't grow up like most little girls. We sat at home watching our parents on the television night after night sacrificing their body. They cared about the WWE almost as much as they cared about us. That's why my late brother...[starts to tear up] When my little brother passed away, you were there for me. I... I am here today because of him, and that's the only reason to fulfill his dream. We were family.

Paige: You know what, Charlotte? It doesn't matter what I said or what I thought about you, okay? This isn't a sorority house, sweetheart. I have been using you since day one.

Charlotte: "Using" me? Using me? Well, you must really suck at using me, because that's why I'm the Divas Champion and you're not. But the sad thing is, Paige, it didn't have to be like that. Because it's not about the Title, it's about who's got your back at the end of the day.

Paige: And where did you learn that, Dr. Phil or Seventeen magazine? Or...you gonna keep crying, Charlotte?

Charlotte: Team Xtreme, D-Generation X, the Four Horsemen. Team PCB was going to change the Divas division...until you let your selfish ways get in the way.

Paige: Oh, okay, okay. First of all, wrong. I threw PCB away because I deserve that championship more than anyone, and especially more than you.

Charlotte: You're not a champion! You never were! A champion is a role model. A champion is someone those little girls sitting at home and sitting in that audience want to be like.

I won't be Champion forever, but when I lose that title, it won't be this Sunday, and it damn sure won't be to someone like you.

Paige: Wow, Charlotte. You know what? That was quite a speech. I had a tear in my eye. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. That's confidence. You are so naive, Charlotte, it makes me sick, and it is embarrassing.

Michael Cole: [as Paige is about to leave] Oh, wait a moment, Charlotte, the contract.

Paige: You know what? You know what? I am so sick of this. You think that everyone has your back, and that's a bunch of bull. No one has your back, and no one will have your back this Sunday. Not even Daddy, Mr. Four Horsemen himself. You know what? Where are you, Ric? Where are you? Why don't you come on out here, and drop one of those famous elbowdrops on your jacket. 'Cause you know what? It is so impressive, you old fart!

Charlotte: You shut your mouth, or there won't be a Survivor Series! You won't even make it out of this building!

Michael Cole: Charlotte, Paige has signed the contract...

Charlotte: I will continue to fight each and every day, just like everyone in my entire family has, just like my dad did, just like my little brother did, and just like I do!

Paige: You know what, Charlotte? You're wrong, sweetheart, 'cause your little baby brother...he didn't have much fight in him, did he?

[Charlotte lunges at Paige, and the two brawl before being separated by referees]

2016

February 8

Daniel Bryan: [on the YES! chants from the audience] So, just now, I was able to close my eyes and feel that. Like, literally feel it in a way that I've never gotten to feel it before, because when we're here, we always have to keep our eyes open. But just that experience, literally, I'm never gonna forget it.

But now...but now, it is time for me to address the giant elephant in the room.

Crowd: [chants] NO!

Daniel: I know, I know, I didn't want to shave my beard either. But the thing is, is that I wanted to cut my hair, and once I cut my hair, I looked really silly with this giant beard. And this is just my one cheap plug, is that I cut my hair for an organization called Wigs 4 Kids, and one of the nice things about them is that they make wigs for kids who have had cancer, and they don't charge the families at all for that, so...if there is anything worthwhile that comes out of what I'm saying tonight, that's it right there.

But now to some less fun stuff. So...

Crowd: [chants] NO!

Daniel: Trust me, I don't want to be doing this any more than you want me to be doing this. But the truth is, I've been wrestling since I was 18 years old, and within the first five months of my wrestling career, I'd already had three concussions. And for years after that, I would get a concussion here and there, or here, or there, and it gets to point that, when you've been wrestling for 16 years, that adds up to a lot of concussions. And it gets to a point where they tell you that you can't wrestle anymore. [Audience boos] And for a long time, I fought that because I'd gotten EEGs and brain MRIs and neuropsychological evaluations, and all of them said this, that I was fine and I could come back and I could wrestle, and I trained like I would come back and I would wrestle, and I was ready at a moment's notice if WWE needed me, I wanted to come back and wrestle, because this...I have loved this in a way that I have never loved anything else.

Crowd: [chants] THANK YOU, DANIEL!

Daniel: But a week and a half ago, I...I took a test that said maybe my brain isn't as okay as I thought it was, and I have a family to think about, and my wife and I want to start having kids soon.

Crowd: [chants] YES!

Daniel: That's what Brie says all the time!

Crowd: [chants] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

Daniel: So...it is with a heavier heart and the utmost sadness that I officially announcement my retirement. But if there's one thing...so I've gone through all these complex emotions in this last little bit. You know, I've been angry, I've been sad, I've been frustrated, I've been all of that. But today, when I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but gratitude because I have gotten to do what I love for nearly 16 years. Let me tell you a few of the things that I love, okay? Let me tell you a few of the things that I love. Nobody outside of this arena or this city cares about this, but I love the Seahawks. Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. Right before my music hits, and it makes that weird sound right before it comes on, and when you guys react every single time, even if I'm tired as hell or I've been hurting, every time, I get this weird little smirk on my face that's not like...but it just...it brings joy to my heart, and I love it every single time.

Do you know what else that I love? I love hitting the ropes and diving right here. [Sticks himself between the top two ropes] It has made me feel like Superman, and your guys' reaction to that made me feel like Superman. I love that.

Here's another thing that I love. Here's another thing that I love. I have wrestled in the parking lot of gas stations, and I have wrestled in front of 70-plus thousand people in New Orleans. Here's another thing that I love. I have gotten to meet the most amazing people on this planet, such as somebody who looks like a monster, but is the smartest man I know, like Kane. I have gotten to meet a man who has been my mentor and my friend for over 16 years in William Regal. I have gotten to meet children that are stronger than I've ever thought anybody could be, like Connor.

Grateful. I am very grateful, and I'm grateful because wrestling doesn't owe me or anybody back there, it doesn't owe us anything. WWE doesn't owe us anything, nobody owes...you guys don't owe us anything. We do this because we love to do this. And then, it was strange because I did this because I love to do this, and then all of a sudden, you guys just got behind me [starting to tear up] in a way that I never thought was possible, in a way that fans shouldn't necessarily get behind a guy who's 5'8" and 190 pounds. You guys got behind me in a way that made me feel that I was more than just me, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm grateful because, a little over two years ago, in this very arena, you guys hijacked Raw.

Crowd: [chants] YES!

Daniel: And they were trying to do a big championship coronation between Randy Orton and John Cena. They were combining the WWE Championship with the World Heavyweight Championship, and they had all the former Champions out here, and this was gonna be the most important match in WWE history, and you guys just wouldn't stop chanting "Daniel Bryan!"

Crowd: [chants] DANIEL BRYAN!

Daniel: But that's not why I'm grateful. My dad was sitting right over there, where the guy with the goat mask with the Daniel Bryan sign is standing right now. And my dad got to see that, his son getting that kind of reaction from all you people. [Tearing up] And that was the last time my dad ever got to see me wrestle, and you guys made it special for him and for me and for my entire family. I am grateful. I am grateful, because of wrestling, I got to meet the most wonderful woman in the world, who's beautiful, she is smart, and she completes me in a way that I didn't even think was possible, and that's because of wrestling. I am grateful. I am grateful because I get to come out here in front of what I feel is my hometown fans. I get to announce my retirement in front of a bunch of people who love me. Right?

That special moment that I had with my dad, I get to share this moment with my mom, with my sister, with my family, with my friends. I get to share that with them, I get to share it with you, I get to share it with my wife in the back, I get to share it with all of these wonderful human beings that I have spent the last 15 years of my life with. I am grateful.

Now, tomorrow morning, I start...I start a new life. A life where I am no longer a wrestler. But that is tomorrow, and that is not tonight! And by damn, I have one more night to feel this energy, and to feel this crowd! So if I could just get one last "YES!" chant, I would really appreciate it!

May 23

[Ric Flair has put over Charlotte in her WWE Women's Championship title defense against Natalya at Extreme Rules]

Charlotte Flair: You know what I remember growing up? I remember Christmases, I remember birthdays... [miffed at "What?" chant] If I - if you "What? me one more time [chant], that's fine because Dad you know what I remember Mom saying? [pause] That Daddy's always with you. You weren't ever there, because I always had to watch you on television, but actually Dad I fully understand why you weren't there because all those years, I couldn't understand why you weren't there, you know Mom had to rub my head because I was crying, but now I get it you know why? Because I'm the WWE Women's Champion. I've never been more powerful! I've never been more confident! Dad, and now I understand, you know what it felt like to be The Man. I'm The Woman! [sighs] That's why I finally have the courage to say to you, Dad... [points away] GET OUT OF MY RING! [Ric is not moved] What, are you hard of hearing? I said, get out! [Ric softly asks, Why] Do you know what it's like to walk into a room and just say "Hey look, that's Ric Flair's daughter!" No, you know who you are? You're "Charlotte's dad"! [sees Flair's emotions change; mocks] Oh don't do this, don't do this... [for emphasis] I don't need you anymore. You're immortal to them. To me, dead. [shrugs off Ric appealing to her] Get out of my ring, I'm done with this sad story. Get out. Get out - [keeps distance] Don't take another step near me - actually you know what you can do? You can just watch me on TV, like I did the last 30 years to you. [teases Ric's sad face and makes palm shrug as he tries to talk to her] Ohh, out you go! Get out of my ring. Don't make me, don't make me do this. I don't want to embarrass you. [Ric gets through the ropes and leaves]

June 20

Dean Ambrose: Oh, boy, last night was a long night in Las Vegas, and I'm not even talking about the stuff I don't remember. There was an incident with a security guard at the Hard Rock, there was this whole Cleveland Cavaliers celebration party thing. [A few boos and cheers from the crowd] I don't know, I don't like those guys anyway, don't look at me. They were freakishly tall and it weirded me out, I don't know. I think I had my foot ran over by a cab. Oh, yeah, and this other thing happened where I had to climb a 15-foot ladder and win the Money in the Bank ladder match! I think, at some point in the night, I almost got bitten by a dog. I mean, it was a long night. Oh, yeah, and then, this other thing happened, where I cashed in my Money in the Bank contract on Seth Rollins, and I became the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!

You wanna talk about another guy who had a long night, Seth Rollins. He was just the right guy at the right place at the wrong time. So listen up, kiddos, Uncle Dean-o's gonna give your lesson of the week. So listen up, pay attention. What goes around, comes back around. You know what, let me give you another lesson while I'm out here pontificating and stuff, here's another lesson for you. Hard work pays off! Busting your ass, keeping your nose to the grindstone pays off! And when it pays off, baby, it pays off big!

So Seth called himself "The Man," Roman called himself "The Guy." I don't know, what does that make me? The Dude?

Audience: [chanting] DUDE!

Dean: Oh, I kinda like it. I don't care, you can call me whatever you want, but you call me Champion! I've been chasing this for two years, and this is the reason I kept picking myself off... picking myself up, dusting myself off, patching myself back together; this is why I kept on trucking, this is why I kept on swinging. And as I sit here with this Championship in the middle of this ring live on Monday Night Raw, I can tell you, baby, it was all worth it 'cause we ain't having no hard times anymore!

2017

March 6

Corey Graves: I understand why Chicago likes these two. Enzo and Cass remind them of the local baseball teams. Cass is like the Cubs: it may take a hundred years, but he might be a champion. Enzo's more like the White Sox: if he ever becomes a champion, you can be guaranteed there's a scandal involved.

April 3

Roman Reigns: This is my yard now. (people heavily boo loudly)

June 19

Big Cass: (When asked if he attacked Enzo Amore) You're damn right I did it! Do you have any idea what it's like teaming up with you, Enzo? You just constantly run your mouth about God knows what every single minute of the day. You even ran your mouth to Conor McGregor. Do you know how many times I've wanted to slap you right upside your head? How many times I wanted to knock you out myself? But I didn't do it because I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody behind that curtain doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. Because everybody in the back doesn't like you, I felt bad for you, Enzo. And I put up with your crap. For years, I put up with your crap every single day until finally, I snapped. And I have to admit, it felt damn good when I attacked you from behind. You all right? And I would have snapped your little neck like a twig if I wanted to, but I didn't because I wanted to watch you suffer. For all the years of crap I had to put with in NXT! In Tampa! Here on Monday Night Raw! For all the crap I had to put up with, I wanted to watch you suffer! And when things got a little bit hot and fingers pointed in my direction, I cooled them down because I wanted to see just how smart you were. I wanted to see if you were smart enough to realize what was going on around you or if you are just as dumb as you look and I realized that you are even dumber. You are nothing more than dead weight that's holding me back from reaching my potential in the WWE! You are just dead weight holding me down when I should be rising to the top of the WWE! You're the reason I have never been a champion in WWE! I'm the star here! I'm the future! I'm where the money is! And you, your mouth just writes checks that your ass can't cash. Because Big Cass has always been behind you. Well, not for long because me and you, we are through.

(Big Cass attacks Enzo Amore once more with a big boot)

Big Cass: And you can't teach that.

October 23

Paul Heyman: You know what's funny? The way you all react to the manner in which I introduce my client, Brock Lesnar, because someone has a problem with the word "undisputed." Someone wants to dispute the fact that Brock Lesnar is the champion in World Wrestling Entertainment. This same someone, who's over on SmackDown Live has barely survived the title challenge of Randy Orton. This same someone has barely survived the title challenge of Shinsuke Nakamura. This same someone is sitting up at night, plotting and planning, trying to figure out how to barely survive the potential title challenge of AJ Styles. Meanwhile, right over here on the flagship show Monday Night Raw, Brock Lesnar has eaten through the single most stacked heavyweight division in the history of WWE. That fact is undisputed.

You know what else is undisputed? That we live in the age of trash-talking. Everybody wants to trash-talk, everybody wants to hurl insults, everybody wants to not give props where props are due. Everyone wants to run down their opponent, everybody wants to hurl insults at their opponents' families, everyone wants to be the king of trash-talk, brand their opponents as losers instead of box office attractions.

You know what else is undisputed? That the king of the trash-talk is the advocate with the mic in his hand right now. And yet, despite the fact that you clamor for me to trash-talk, I don't trash-talk Brock Lesnar's opponents, and I'll tell you why. Because any man deemed worthy of stepping into the ring to fight Brock Lesnar must be a real man, must have a whole lot of merit going on behind him. I didn't trash-talk Goldberg, I praised Goldberg, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Samoa Joe, I praised Samoa Joe, and rightfully so. I didn't trash-talk Braun Strowman, I praised Braun Strowman, and oh, my God, rightfully so.

But you? Jinder Mahal? The make-believe maharaja, with the Singh-Singh-Singh-Singh singalong Brothers standing behind you doing my shtick of introducing you? Are you kidding me? You're not Brock Lesnar's equal, you're not Brock Lesnar's contemporary, you're not Brock Lesnar's counterpart on SmackDown Live, you're not even a worthy pretender to the throne of being WWE Champion! When we think of WWE Champions, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Ric Flair, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, John Cena, and, ladies and gentlemen, my client Brock Lesnar! We don't think of Jinder Mahal, a consolation prize champion offered to SmackDown Live when Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan realized they got the shaft in the Superstar shake-up.

And please don't think that my client is waving the flag of Monday Night Raw, marching into Survivor Series to defend the honor of Raw over SmackDown in the name of brand supremacy. Ladies and gentlemen, there is no battle for brand supremacy. Any brand that brags Brock Lesnar—say that three times fast—the brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the #1 brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the supreme brand. The brand that brags Brock Lesnar is the flagship brand with the #1 champion, the place to be in World Wrestling Entertainment. That's undisputed. And because Jinder Mahal disputes that fact, Jinder Mahal, at Survivor Series, you're going to Suplex City.

2018

October 22

Roman Reigns: I feel like... I feel like I owe everyone an apology. For months, maybe even a full year, I've come out here and spoke as Roman Reigns, and I said a lot of things, you know. I said that I'd be here every single week, I said I'd be a fightin' champion, I said I was gonna be consistent, and I said I was gonna be a workhorse, but...that's all lies. It's a lie because the reality is, my real name is Joe, and I've been living with leukemia for 11 years. And unfortunately, it's back. And because the leukemia is back, I cannot fulfill my role, I can't be that fightin' champion, and I'm gonna have to relinquish the Universal Championship.

And I'm not gonna lie, I'll take every prayer you send my way, but I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for you to feel bad for me, because I have faith. When I was 22 years old, I was diagnosed with this, and very quickly, I was able to put in in remission. But I'm not gonna lie, that was the hardest time of my life. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, I didn't have a home, and I had a baby on the way, and football was done with me.

But you wanna know who gave me a chance? The team that gave me a chance was the WWE. And when I finally made it to the main roster and I was on the road, they put me in front of all of you, the WWE Universe. And to be honest, y'all have made my dreams come true. And it didn't matter if you cheered me, it didn't matter if you booed me. You've always reacted to me, and that is the most important thing, and for that, I have to say thank you so much.

Audience: [chanting] THANK YOU, ROMAN!

Roman: Thank you. But you all know the deal. You all know how life is. Life is not fair, it's not all peaches and cream. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball. And right now, the best thing for me to do is to go home, to focus on my family and my health.

But I wanna make one thing clear. By no means is this a retirement speech. [The audience cheers] Because after I'm done whoopin' leukemia's ass once again, I'm coming back home. And when I do, it's not just be about titles and being on top. No, it's about a purpose. I'm coming back because I want to show all of you, the whole world, I wanna show my family, my friends, my children, and my wife that when life throws a curve ball at me, I am the type of man that will stand in that batter's box, I will crowd the plate, I will choke up, and I will swing for the fences every single time! Because I will beat this, and I will be back, so you will see me very, very soon. Once again, thank you so much, God bless you, and I love you. Believe that.

---

Paul Heyman: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and tonight, my thoughts and my prayers are with the champion of a man you know as Roman Reigns. It is humbling to me amongst the members of that locker room tonight and to have been in the presence of such courage and such greatness. And when I go home tonight and I have to explain this all to my children, what I want my children to understand about this show, this presentation, this business, this industry that we all love is, what you witnessed tonight, as much as you witnessed that courage, what you witnessed was sacrifice. Because what Roman Reigns did tonight was, he sacrificed his career aspirations because, as he said, he couldn't fulfill the obligations of being the Universal Champion, because to everyone that walks through that locker room, the title deserves the best that any champion has to offer it.

You, as the WWE Universe, the WWE fanbase, those who take pride in WWE have the right to point to the Universal Champion and say, that's the best, that is everything this presentation, this show, this industry has to offer. That's #1. And until 8:05 PM, Eastern Time tonight, we had the right to brag that the very best, the #1 was the Universal Champion.

So now, what do we do? Roman Reigns does not want the title to stop because he can no longer defend it. Roman Reigns is the first person to tell you the show must go on, and so it does. At Crown Jewel, Brock Lesnar versus Braun Strowman, and only one can say, "I'm the one that carries on the legacy that Roman Reigns brought to this ring tonight. I'm the one that's worthy of the prestige of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of the honor of being the champion. I'm the one that's worthy of being the champion," and that sure as hell ain't Braun Strowman! There's only one being in this match at Crown Jewel that's worthy of the honor of being your champion, worthy of the dignity of being your champion, worthy of walking into the Octagon and laying that title down in front of the sports universe and saying, "I am the best WWE has to offer, I'm the Universal Champion, and my name is Brock Lesnar!"

So Braun Strowman can walk around all that he wants and bill himself as a monster! My client Brock Lesnar doesn't bill himself as a beast. He's not a man, he is a beast! And Braun Strowman, you're not in Brock Lesnar's league. You're not in Brock Lesnar's category. You're not in Brock Lesnar's stratosphere. Braun Strowman, you can't compare to Brock Lesnar! You're not even a member of the same species as Brock Lesnar!

December 3

Dean Ambrose: You may all be seated, thank you. Now, I apologize for the drastic measures I have taken tonight, but you can't be too safe in a dangerous slum like Houston, Texas. Now, I need these measures, not just to protect me from you people, and whatever diseases you may all be carrying, I need these measures to protect me from that madman, Seth Rollins. [removes his gas mask] Because last time I was in this ring, I was viciously attacked by Seth Rollins, unprovoked. Well maybe just a little provoked. Over the last couple weeks, I have said some things just to try to trigger Seth, and I must admit, I was a bit surprised for a guy who fancies himself as "the architect". A man always in control of himself, his situation, his emotions, it was pretty easy to rile him up. Because Seth Rollins, the truth is, is just like all of you people, NEEDY, needy and emotional. Seth always needed something. He always wanted something from me, just like all you people. Stickin' your phones in my face everywhere I go trying to get a picture with me. Trying to get some excitement in your miserable lives. Let me, let me ask you guys a question. Do you have any idea what it's like to live with somebody who just always has to be in control? He's just always gotta be right, he's just always gotta get his way? Sure you do. Everybody knows somebody like that. That person might be sitting next to you right now in the chair right next to you. And if you had any guts, you would reach across your chair and you would slap that person in the mouth. Any takers out there? No. But you don't have any guts. You have weak character. Seth Rollins has weak character. He's the biggest scumbag, the biggest lowlife on the planet, and you people cheer for him, 'cause he gives you high-fives on the way to the ring, 'cause he makes you feel important. It's disgusting, it really is. Take The Shield for example. The Shield used to be something to be proud of. Something that I was proud of. But after a while, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns, all they cared about was trying to be role models and sucking up to you people. [crowd chants "we want Rollins"] Oh really? Really? Well guess what, sometimes LIFE SUCKS, AND YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT! Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns changed. They sold out. I've never changed, I am unchanged. I am a constant, I'm the freakin' rockajabolter. I am the last man in this industry with integrity! The only thing I am guilty of is trusting people, taking people at their word, taking people at face value, but no more. I am proud to stand alone in this ring as the moral compass of WWE! You people probably don't even know what that means, do ya? 'Cause schools ain't to good in Houston are they?

2019

January 29

Becky Lynch: Look at this. The Man is back on Raw. Ronnie, I told you I'd find a way back to you again. Now, for about a year now, I've been hearing about this "baddest woman on the planet," but the last time I came to your show, I dropped you right...[points down to the left] there. And even after that, you never came looking for me to prove that you're the baddest. So, Ronnie, I've come looking for you to prove you're not.

Audience: [chanting] BECKY!

Becky: And you've heard about this, but last night, I won the Royal Rumble match. And unlike Seth Rollins, I don't need much time to think. I choose you.

Michael Cole: Oh yeah!

Audience: [chanting] YES!

Becky: And at WrestleMania, I am going to break your mystique, I am going to take your title, and I am gonna kick your ass in front of the whole world.

Audience: [chanting, as Ronda Rousey motions for a mic] KICK HER ASS!

Ronda Rousey: I want the whole world to hear this. First off, how's your leg? Huh? 'Cause unlike you, I want my opponent to be looking me in the eye and primed to fight. I don't just want to beat you, I want to beat the best version of Becky Lynch that has ever existed.

And let's just be completely honest, shall we? You, me, and everyone else here knows that I can re-break your face faster than you can say, "Nia Jax." In fact, you, me, and everyone else here knows that I have the ability to kill you with my bare hands without even breaking a sweat, and the only thing stopping me is my decision not to.

You know what, Becky? I just realized that we are the same age. That means while you were training, I was main-eventing in a sport that didn't even want women in it at all, let alone in the main event. And last year, while you were in the... the kickoff show for WrestleMania, I stole the show in my debut! How long have you been The Man, Becky? Because I've been a household name for a decade.

You gotta learn something here, honey. Any ring I step into is mine, I own the ground under my feet, and I'm gonna own you at WrestleMania!

Michael: Oh, yeah! Can WrestleMania happen tomorrow?!

Corey Graves: Seriously, I am ready to see these two women throw down on the grandest stage of them all! Let me tell you This will be the best match in wrestlemania

February 25

Batista: [drags Ric Flair out of his locker room] Hey Hunter, do I have your attention now? [takes off sunglasses] HUH!?

April 8

Sami Zayn: You know, I... I... I really thought coming out here tonight would cure what ails me. All it did was reinforce what I've realized over the past nine months. It genuinely seems like you miss me. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I honestly did not miss any of this or any one of you. Yeah, so it turns out WWE is a super, like, toxic environment. [Sarcastic laugh] It's not because of the McMahons, and it ain't because of the other WWE Superstars, it's because of this audience and your ugliness!

Let me be honest. I live a very meaningful and fulfilled life; I'm quite happy. But your lives seem so empty and so devoid of any kind of meaning that the only joy you get, it's not even from coming out and enjoying the shows as fans. You only get joy and satisfaction out of being critics. [Mocking laugh] You wanna know why that is, moron? You wanna know why? It's 'cause it's the only thing that gives you any sort of sense of self-importance. You judge everyone and everything except yourselves. You wanna know why that is? It's 'cause none of you have the balls to look inside yourself 'cause you know the ugliness and the cynicism that lives inside of you. You're so bloody delusional, it's hilarious.

You really think you guys are, like, the voice of reason? You really think you guys are, like, the [mocking] voices that should be heard. Hear me roar! No. Seemingly overnight, you have become the evil overlords of WWE. Sami Zayn has been about one thing his entire career and his entire life, and that is doing what is right. And now, the right thing to do isn't to come back and [fake heroic] save WWE, and it's not to come over and take over the WWE. The right thing to do is to come out here every single week and hold each and every single one of you accountable because nobody else will. See you in Hell.

May 27

Seth Rollins: Let me explain something to you. See this right here? [Points to the WWE Universal Championship] This is my life, Lesnar. Yeah, I see that. Shut your mouth. This is my life, this is what I work for every single day, what I sacrifice for every single day, and you come out here and you make a mockery out of it. And not because you walk out here with your stupid little beat box. No. You make a mockery out of it because you are a joke. Yeah. That's not the joke, you're the joke, and I'm not afraid of you. I stomped your head into the mat at WrestleMania, and I can do it again right here, right now.

Yeah, you used to be the most feared man in combat sports history, and look at you. You're a coward hiding behind Paul Heyman. The shell of what you used to be. You want a chance to prove me wrong, Lesnar? [Points to the Money in the Bank briefcase] There's your chance. There's your chance, Lesnar. Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in! Cash it in!

Paul Heyman: [referring to the Money in the Bank contract] Mr. Cone, page 8, paragraph 27, section B: "the parties mutually agree that the winner of the 2019 Money in the Bank contract, in his sole discretion"—that's Brock Lesnar—"picks the time and the place to challenge for either the WWE or Universal Heavyweight Championship. The aforementioned challenge shall take place at any time, with no notice, to either champion, on or by the expiration of this agreement, one year after 2019 Money in the Bank pay-per-view event. Therefore, before May 19, 2020, said challenger Brock Lesnar..."

[Brock cups the mic, stopping Paul's recitation. He looks at the contract.]

Brock: I got a year?

Paul: Yeah!

Brock: To cash in.

Paul: A year! [Pissed, Brock smacks Paul with the contract] Didn't you know?!

Brock: No, I didn't know!

Paul: How could you not know?! You have to make a decision!

Brock: [to Seth] I got a whole year! And I gotta make a decision now? Seth Rollins, screw...you.

2020

May 11

Becky Lynch: Tonight is... is no ordinary night for me. I'm torn between joy and sadness 'cause I'm... I'm at a place in my life where things are about to change, and I needed to do something about it. So I asked the decision makers to raise the stakes for the Money In The Bank ladder match, and they did just that.

But before I get to that... I walked in through these very doors in 2013, and I didn't know anybody in this country, and I didn't know if I was good enough to be here. [She starts to tear up] And I didn't know if anybody would care about a loudmouthed Irish woman who loved puns and toast. But somewhere along the line, I... I learned that they did care, and they cared so much that they put me on their shoulders, and they carried me into history, and I will never forget that.

Through injury and triumph, it was the fans who stood up for me, who had my back, and it was the fans who I grabbed onto when I didn't have anybody else. And that is why it's the fans, it's you at home that deserve to hear this from me first: that I have to go away for awhile.

[Asuka's music hits, and she charges to the ring berating Becky in Japanese]

Becky: [on the Money In The Bank briefcase sitting on a table in the ring] It is yours, you're right. Asuka, you have beaten me when nobody else could. You have been the best wrestler in the world for a long time, and this is why I am so glad that this is happening to you. 'Cause the match last night, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't for an opportunity to win the championship. It was for so much more. And I know you haven't been able to unlock this 'cause there's a combination. [She opens the briefcase, revealing the Raw Women's Championship] The match last night was actually for the Raw Women's Championship. Now, I can't fight anymore, but you can. You are the champion.

Asuka: I'm the champion?

Becky: You're the champion.

Asuka: I'm the champion!

[She takes the title and runs excitedly all over the Performance Center, even dancing on the announcers' table, and makes her way back to the ring]

Becky: You are the champion, and as happy as you are to be the champion, I might be a little bit happier. So you go and be a warrior 'cause I'm gonna go be a mother.

Asuka: [genuinely surprised] "Be a mother"? You're gonna be a mother? [She hugs Becky] Oh, congratulations! Really?! YEAH!!! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! BECKY! I'm so happy for you.

2022

January 3

Brock Lesnar: Before we get this party started tonight, I'd like to give a big shout-out to my good buddy Roman Reigns. He's probably sitting at home, more than likely, tuned in to Monday Night Raw, tuned in to the new WWE Heavyweight Champion, the real champion, BROCK LESNAR!!! Get well soon, buddy. Now...South Carolina...acknowledge me.

[turns to Paul Heyman] I would like to acknowledge my advocate for advocating my free agency, for advocating all the strings you pulled Saturday to make...to help make me the WWE Champion. Paul, thank you.

Paul Heyman: If you think it's interesting out here, you should see the things that go on behind the scenes in WWE, like when I negotiated for Brock Lesnar to be a free agent—allegedly did that in advance. And then Saturday at Day 1, when Brock Lesnar showed up looking to win a title from a champion, and one champion simply could not make it, but the other champion... the other champion was in a Fatal 4-Way. And what... what's better than a Fatal 4-Way, than a Fatal 5-Way featuring Brock Lesnar! So all the behind-the-scenes machination, and the strings were pulled, and Brock Lesnar gets to enter the Fatal 5-Way.

And now, what does Brock Lesnar do as your WWE Heavyweight Champion? Well, he concentrates not only on reigning, but defending. So at the Royal Rumble, Brock Lesnar will defend the championship against the winner of the originally scheduled Fatal 4-Way, which takes place tonight right here in this very ring. Let's run down the challengers, shall we.

First, there's Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, and you have to lump them in together because they are a team. They're a team, and in a match where every man is for himself, these two figured out to be jackals, to be hyenas, to go after the lions of the jungle, because then if they win it together, they have to figure it out. It's up to WWE, and screw management as far as they are concerned. And it's a smart thing for someone who's pretty damn dumb like Seth Rollins. 'Cause Seth Rollins likes to tell everybody that he's a visionary, and he's too stupid to realize that he's not a visionary, 'cause if he had a vision for the future, he'd realize that his wife is going to leave him if he doesn't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title...and he can't! So who's she gonna leave him for? Well, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be Kevin Owens 'cause Kevin Owens can't beat Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title either. Maybe the two of them should ask to be traded to SmackDown 'cause I understand there's a certain "tribal chief" who's a little vulnerable without his special counsel nowadays.

Oh, don't go "ooh!" It's a historical fact. Want me to prove it to you? One week without me as special counsel, Roman Reigns already has COVID! Yeah, you can get over the Rona, but karma can be really bitchy!

Speaking of bitchy, let's talk about MVP. Actually, let's not talk about MVP, since nobody else does anyway. Let's talk, however, about Bobby Lashley. There's a worthy challenger. Brock Lesnar has never met Bobby Lashley, there's a historical fact. Brock Lesnar never ran into Bobby Lashley in the back, they never shook hands, they never say hello to each other. It's like the two were avoiding each other, which I know is not the case 'cause neither one avoids anything or anybody in life. The first time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, Bobby Lashley speared Brock Lesnar through that wall. The second time Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashley met, in the very same match 48 hours ago, Brock Lesnar hit an F-5 on everybody in the match with the exception of Bobby Lashley, who speared Brock Lesnar and damn near pinned him. The third time Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar met, in the same match 48 hours ago, Bobby Lashley put Brock Lesnar in the Hurt Lock. And I've said this to Brock Lesnar's face, it didn't look like Brock Lesnar was going to get out. This is all a testament to how damn good Bobby Lashley is. Except, on all three of these occasions, Bobby Lashley was hitting Brock Lesnar from a blind side or behind. So if Bobby Lashley wins tonight, and he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble, he's gonna have to face Brock Lesnar face-to-face, and that is a whole different story. The story between jackin' someone from behind, and just going down in history as the Almighty Brock Lesnar Wannabe.

There's one more man in the match tonight. He's the odds-on favorite, he's the former champion, and it's Big E. We have nothing bad to say... [off a fan's cheer] yeah, he deserves your applause. That is a great champion. Big E did WWE justice. Big E is a credit to World Wrestling Entertainment, to the company, to the audience, to the WWE Universe and the viewers at home, to the people live here tonight, to the lineage of the WWE Title! Big E is all that and more, and he would still be WWE Champion if he didn't have to step into the ring with Brock Lesnar. We have nothing but respect and admiration for Big E. So if Big E wins tonight and he gets the rematch at the Royal Rumble, sir, it will be an absolute honor to witness that match. You're gonna lose, which is no shame, but it would still be an honor to watch you lose to the greatest WWE Champion of all time, the winner of the Fatal 4-Way-- the winner of the Fatal 5-Way, excuse me, and your new REIGNING, DEFENDING, UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR!!!

April 4

Cody Rhodes: So, what do you guys want to talk about? It has been 47 days since the abrupt news that I was a free agent. Amongst that, I chose to remain silent, and I heard stories, defamatory whispers, theories that surmised to be nonsense. Everyone thinks the decision to return to WWE was difficult. It was not. It was simple, really. The star that left them in the dust. The man standing here now, having signed a multi-year agreement with World Wrestling Entertainment. And if there was...

Crowd: [chanting] YOU DESERVE IT!

Cody: If there was a glimmer of doubt, a shred of trepidation, the moment I rose up in front of 70-something thousand fans, the moment I made the walk at a WrestleMania and defeated one of the best superstar wrestlers in any era, that being Seth Rollins, that doubt was eradicated. I’m an avid reader, and I stumbled across this quote. It said, "a man often finds his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it." So, if you’ll humor me, let’s all take a look at the Tron, if you will.

[On the TitanTron is a picture of Dusty Rhodes holding high the WWWF Championship. The crowd chants "DUSTY!"]

Cody: Right there is my father, "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes. It’s so simple to say, that’s my father, but in reality, yeah, he's a legend. Yeah, he's the son of a plumber, he's a common man. He’s all those things. To me, he was my hero. This photo was taken in 1977, at Madison Square Garden. That very photo right there, he is holding the championship belt that eventually Hulk Hogan would get his hands on, the Undertaker would get his hands on, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. Oh, and Triple H, too. And many other greats. I'm gonna tell you a quick story which made this all very simple to me. This photo, this very photo, was on the mantle in my parents' bedroom until my dad's last day. And as I got hip to the industry, I worked up a little courage, and I remember I asked him, and I worded it very poorly. I said, "I didn’t know that you were a champion like Hulk Hogan." And he looked at me with the same eyes that Liberty has, and he said, very stern and very patiently, he explained to me the champion's advantage. He said that he had won the match, but because it was by countout, he did not take home the championship belt.

So, I'm 8 years old. What’s a boy to do? Right then and there, at 8 years old, I knew not what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. I was going to win this championship belt right here! I was going to place it, I was going to bestow it into the hands of The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and tell him, "nobody can take it away from you now." And there are many here tonight who have followed my journey, but for those who are new to it, unfortunately, that dream died. It died right in front of me. That opportunity passed. That opportunity passed, or did it? Yes, I cannot physically put that title belt into my father's hands. I cannot bestow it upon The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, but I certainly can put it around the waist of The American Nightmare.

Crowd: [chant] YOU CAN DO IT!

Cody: With that in mind, the silence is broken, my intentions are clear. I've made them clear to all of you here. I stand before you, ready, finally ready. And I'm going to do it. I'm going to give the distinction that my family has long since been denied, and I'm going to do it for you, I'm going to do it for me, I'm going to do it for my family, and I am going to do it for The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

---

Roman Reigns: Wise Man, why don't you go ahead and explain the Bloodline's success.

Paul Heyman: The single longest-reigning tag team champions in the history of SmackDown!, the Usos! The largest box office receipts in the history of SummerSlam; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The largest box office receipts in the history of Survivor Series; who was in the main event? Roman Reigns! The first billion-dollar-grossing year in the history of sports entertainment; who was on top as the main star all 365 days of that year?! [The crowd starts answering] Romain Reigns! The single biggest, largest-grossing box office in the history of the Royal Rumble; who was on top? Roman Reigns. The largest crowds in the history of WrestleMania Weekend, 58% increase on Peacock from last year, and the largest-grossing commerce facilitator in the history of WrestleMania; who was on top? [with the crowd] Roman Reigns!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you your Tribal Chief, the Head of the Table, the single biggest star in sports entertainment, undisputed Roman Reigns.

Roman: Wise Man always has this saying, it's, "what's good for Roman Reigns, is good for WWE." And it's no secret. With me at the head of the table, the billion dollar deals are coming easy. And that's because I'm the last needle mover. And I'm the last needle mover because I am constantly operating at God Mode. But you see, your Tribal Chief is so much more than all that. I'm a man of my word. I called my shot, and I delivered! I said I was gonna smash Brock Lesnar, and what did I do? Smashed him!

But you see, that's the past now. Other men, they'd hang their hat on this weekend, but that's not who I am, because we're never content. I'm a progressive Tribal Chief, and I'm constantly moving forward. So this Friday on SmackDown, we're gonna let y'all know what the next step is. But until then, Dallas, Texas...acknowledge me!

June 6

[Cody Rhodes has just finished talking to Seth Rollins, and is heading to the back]

Byron Saxton: [continuing an ongoing conversation] We obviously saw Cody Rhodes defy the odds last night, so, uh...

[Seth Rollins races out with a sledgehammer, and strikes Cody]

Byron Saxton: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! NO!

Corey Graves: NO, YOU-- DAMN IT, ROLLINS!!

Byron Saxton: WHAT-- WHY?! COME--

Corey Graves: Son of a bitch...!

Jimmy Smith: UNBELIEVABLE! Face to face a second ago!

Corey Graves: This is disgusting - this is despicable! Rollins, you're a-- [grunts in frustration]

2023

January 30

Rhea Ripley: You know, it's been awhile since I've been out here without my Latino Heat, my Dom-Dom, and the Judgment Day crew, but I really just wanted all the attention on me. Two nights ago, I disrupted the status quo. I did the unthinkable. I went the distance. I came in here at #1 and overcame and outlasted 29 other women to win the Royal Rumble Match. And now, I get to choose whichever champion I want to face at WrestleMania.

Three years ago, I had just turned 24, my career was just getting started, and I was the NXT Women's Champion. And I came here to Monday Night Raw, I stood in this ring, and I challenged the winner of the Royal Rumble Match, Charlotte Flair. I challenged her to a match at WrestleMania... and she... she put me in my place.

You know, the funny thing about Charlotte is that she's always somehow in the title picture. She's always at the top of her game, and I hate, I hate to give her the credit, but she seems to get better each and every year. The normal flow here in the WWE is that Charlotte Flair is at the top. But I'm the disruptor. I don't like the natural flow, I don't like the normal formula, and I don't like things being overplayed.

So Charlotte, I advise you to enjoy everyone rising and bowing down to the queen because they're about to rise to Rhea Ripley. At WrestleMania, I put you in your place. Charlotte Flair, I choose you.

October 30

Sami Zayn: My entire career - my entire life - I have fought people like The Judgment Day. People who think like The Judgment Day. People that think that all that matters is power. And as long as you're chasing power, you can do whatever you want. You can be as ruthless as you want, as cutthroat as you want. You can rule with an iron fist. You can oppress, whoever, whenever, as long as it's in the name of power. So, that's fine, if that's the name of your game, fine, but understand that if that's your game my name is not Sami Zayn; my name is rebellion! My name is resistance! And I will fight The Judgment Day, whether it's one on one, two on one, three on one, four on one, five on one, as long as there is a breath of air left in my body... I will fight! I will fight The Judgment Day, and everything you stand for until The Judgment Day is no more!"

November 6

Adam Pearce: ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I'm tired of the games, every night, every week! You four wanna play games?! You four wanna play games?! You wanna play games? We're gonna play games in Chicago, at Survivor Series, IN WARGAMES!

Michael Cole: HELL, yeah! Let's settle this the right way! Two rings surrounded by a steel cage! The Judgement Day! Rhodes! Rollins! Jey Uso! Sami Zayn! [Damien Priest jumps Jey] AND THE BRAWL IS BREAKING OUT AGAIN!!

November 27

CM Punk: Looks like hell froze over. And when I mean "hell froze over," I mean this is me, standing in a WWE ring on Monday Night Raw with a live microphone in my hand. I don't mean that, apparently, a Blackhawks fan is universally loved inside the Predators' barn. [Crowd boos] Okay, I'm sorry, I had to. You guys understand that, I gotta be me. Right?

And lately, I've been feeling a little bit more like myself ever since Saturday, which was a career highlight for me. I've been trying to come up with the words and the language to explain to all of you exactly how I feel. And I've come to two words that I'm afraid to say, honestly. And it's not because they're not true, it's because I'm a little bit scared of how true they actually are. And it's a little bit corny, and it's a little bit cheesy, and it's not gonna sound like CM Punk, but I've changed. And once upon a time, an American Dream taught me that as long as you speak from the heart, you cannot go wrong because it is the truth. And this is the truth: I'm home.

Crowd: [chants] WELCOME HOME!

CM Punk: I've come back to this familiar place, and I didn't know how I was gonna react, and I didn't know how it was gonna go, but it has made me feel like my old self because this is where I belong. This is home. And I've been gone for over ten years, and over ten years, you people never forgot me, even when maybe I wanted to forget me! And that's powerful. You are all powerful. A bunch of continents, countless countries, arenas all over the world, the people watching at home, the people in the building never stopped chanting my name.

Crowd: [chants] CM PUNK!

CM Punk: The voiceless found their voice, and I couldn't be more proud of you. And I heard you, and that's why I'm back, because I love you guys. I love you guys. I love you guys, and I've missed you guys, and I've missed all of this, and I wish I could I never had to leave. But once upon a time, a Wise Man told me, for me to get everything I need out of this place, I'd have to leave and come back. Hate to say, the Wise Man was right.

But that's why I'm back, to get everything I need out of this place. I'm back for you, because you are home. Saturday night was an amazing moment, Monday night is an amazing moment. Try to have the words to explain to you how it feels, but in front of and behind the camera, it's been nothing but love. It's been nothing but hugs. It feels like a family reunion. Everybody back there is happy to see me, and it's all smiles. A few people kissed me on the mouth. It's "welcome back. Welcome home. We've missed you. We're happy to see you. By the way, how's AJ?" And ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to tell you, AJ is fabulous, and she sends her regards!

Everybody has welcomed me back with open arms. Well, almost everybody. Some people are afraid. They're afraid of the truth. They're afraid of what they don't understand, but I understand. Everything I've ever wanted has always been here. The competition here, week in and week out, competes to be the best in the world, but the Best in the World has not been here for almost ten years.

I understand being afraid. They're afraid that I just set the bar to an unattainable level. They're afraid that the brass ring is in my back pocket, and they can't grab it. They're afraid that the most dangerous and controversial feared man in this industry just walked through the front door, and there's nothing that they can do about it. Some people are afraid that tomorrow morning, when they wake up, they're gonna have to come to terms with the fact that their best efforts at being the best in the world in this ring, on this microphone, [pauses to look to...] even at commentary, isn't just false, but it's a lie. Because the Best in the World is back, and the Best in the World is standing in the middle of the ring, live and in living color in Nashville, Tennessee, on a Monday night, and his name is...

Crowd: CM PUNK!

CM Punk: [to camera] I'm back. I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to make money.

December 11

CM Punk: I thought I was in a sullen mood, and then I come out here and I see all of these signs and I hear all of these people. The truth is, I have a huge decision to make. We, if I may, have a huge decision to make, and I’ve been thinking about it all week. And the reason I’ve been so consumed and worried about it is because I love you guys. But the truth is, this town and this building specifically hasn’t always historically been kind to CM Punk. I walk back here through the hallways, there’s a lot of ghosts, ladies and gentlemen, and I’m doing my best to face them head on. A lot of people might not know this, but I debuted in this building. Yeah, was anybody there? I had Mickie James on my arm. True story: we walked down that ramp, we got into the ring, and it was so good. I went back and they said, "we’re sending you to Louisville, Kentucky; have fun in OVW." And gosh, I didn’t want to go, but while I was there, I embraced being uncomfortable, and I learned how to love it. Exactly like when I came to the WWE for the first time. Man, I didn’t know what I was in for, but I embraced being uncomfortable, and I learned to love it. I triumphantly returned to this town, this same building, World Heavyweight Champion. I was ready to put on a show for everybody here. And then, Randy Orton kicks me in the head backstage, and I wake up and they tell me, "by the way, we stripped you out of the title, you couldn’t compete, you’re no longer the champion." And I was like, "Cleveland! Again?!"

Was anybody here ten years ago, for the story I’m about to tell? I'm not going to bore you with details, because a lot of it is in my rear-view mirror. I’m focused on the future, I’m focused on the now, I’m focused on everybody here in this building today. Ten years ago, I had to take myself off the hamster wheel. I had to, for better or for worse, make the hardest decision of my life. And I don’t regret it. I don’t look back. But there was always that part of me that wondered if anybody paid a ticket to see CM Punk that day I walked out Cleveland, if they were disappointed. Backstage, I saw a young lady by the name of Indi, and she told me that she felt betrayed as a little kid. And I told her a story of when I saw Roddy Piper appear on WCW Television. And as a young wrestling fan, I felt the exact same way, so I understood. So, if you’re here now, if you're watching at home and you were disappointed that CM Punk walked out, I understand, and hell, ladies and gentlemen, I apologize.

I’ve gone to SmackDown, and I’ve listened to what Nick Aldis has to say. He put together a very substantial offer, you understand. I went down to NXT, I hung out with Shawn Michaels. And there’s a 15-year-old CM Punk somewhere in the universe who’s tickled to death that he got an offer from Shawn Michaels to help mold the next generation of superstars. It’s a great deal. Adam Pearce has put together a deal that, honestly, is head-and-shoulders above both of those other deals. But can I be very real, and very honest with you folks right now? My mind was probably already made up when I looked at the calendar, and I saw Cleveland. I'm here to bury those ghosts, I’m here to right a few wrongs. My future starts now.

You couldn’t write a better television show, ladies and gentlemen. Ten years, almost to the day, CM Punk walked out. And regardless of how you feel about it, CM Punk walks right back in. And if you’re happy about it, if you’re mad about it, you better learn to love it, because congratulations, Adam Pearce, the newest Raw Superstar is named CM Punk. And CM Punk is home.

---

Seth Rollins: Cleveland, Ohio, CM Punk, welcome to Monday Night Rollins. I hope you know how incredibly fortunate you are to even be standing in this ring right now. But can you just do me one... one little favor, just one thing, please? Don’t you dare call this place your home. You abandoned this place ten years ago. Not only did you abandon it, but you also actively tried to tear it down. You spent ten years slandering me, slandering every single person back in that locker room, and then you want to walk back in here, and call this place your home? This is not your home; this is my home!

I've been here. Everybody in the back, those are my brothers and sisters. Everybody here, everybody watching at home, that is my family, and this is our home. And I will do everything within my power to protect it from people like you. Let me make one thing perfectly clear, I don’t want there to be any confusion. I know I'm a bit worked up. I want everyone to understand, I'm going to say it, plainly, with every fiber in my being, I hate you.

But if you’re going to be a part of WWE again, then I want you on Monday Night Raw. Because the truth always comes out, pal. The truth always comes out. I know, you know, everybody else knows, this is your last chance. So one or two things is gonna happen. Either you’re gonna expose yourself, you’re gonna self-destruct like you always do, and I’ll be the first person in the back to slam the door shut on your legacy. Or if by some miracle, you have changed, and you got any gas left in this old tank, maybe one day, you'll be lucky enough to stand across the ring from me, in a World Heavyweight Championship Match, and then I will expose you for the fraud that you are. I will show you that there are levels to this, I will wrestle circles around you, and I will let you understand, in real time, what it means to be the best in the world.

CM Punk: Are you done? That's your one pass to stand here and speak to me disrespectfully without me coming after you. I have never asked for anything to be handed to me. And I’ve always done things stubbornly the hard way, and I’m here to do that. Adam Pearce, where you at? We’re making things official; we might as well make it official. CM Punk is entering the Royal Rumble. And when CM Punk wins, maybe, Seth, it's you he's coming after.

2024

January 1

Cody Rhodes: So, San Diego... what do you want to talk about? I have the privilege of being the first superstar of coming to this ring and officially welcome you to a special Day One episode of Monday Night Raw. It's a new year. Folks like to talk about their goals, where'd they like to be in 2024, but admittedly, I'm a little stuck. And what I've gotten stuck on is Shinsuke Nakamura.

[The crowd boos.]

Don't get me wrong, I think we all know that Shinsuke is a force to be reckoned with in the ring, but with his rendition of a Nightmare Before Christmas, I was expecting something a little bit more sophisticated. See, I'm not stuck on Shinsuke Nakamura because the things he said about my family. That comes with the territory, I'm not stuck on Shinsuke Nakamura because he tried to blind me with poison mist. I fought blind and I fought just fine. I am stuck on Shinsuke Nakamura, simply put, because this should be over.

Fans: [chanting Cody's name] Cody!

Cody: This should be over and Shinsuke, I'm going to give you the opportunity to finish it tonight. So go ahead, bring your poison mist. Bring your poison words. Whatever makes you feel like you can stop me from where I need to be. Because this ends. And this ends right now!

[Shinsuke Nakamura appears via satellite on the TitanTron.]]

Shinsuke Nakamura: Cody, Cody, Cody. [Smirks evilly] [[In Japanese] I never thought it would be so easy to get into your head. And to become the author of your final chapter. I have whispered the plot in your ear... pushed your character to the brink page-by-page. I have blinded you, so you cannot see the ending. Cody, but your story does not end tonight. I want to give The American Nightmare one more week to dream. Next week, Monday Night Raw. I become what you could never be. I will finish your story, then I close your book.

[Shinsuke sprays mist over the screen as the transmission fades to black and his music plays.]

April 15

Rhea Ripley: So obviously, you guys know what's going on right now, yeah? After the attack last week from Liv Morgan, I've now been told that I'm stuck on the bench for quite a few months. I've also been invok... I've also been told, informed, whatever, I don't care. I'm flustered, okay? I'm angry right now. I'm pissed off right now! You know why? Because I have been told that I need to vacate the one thing that means the most to me: my Women's World Championship.

[The crowd boos and chants "NO!"]

This... [crowd chants "bullshit!"] Yeah, it is. This right here, this championship, this means the most to me in my entire life, and that's why this is so painful.

Crowd: [chanting as she lays the belt down] THANK YOU, MAMI!

Rhea: Revenge Tour. This is all because your stupid little Revenge Tour, Liv! Are you kidding me? Because your Revenge Tour, Liv. Are you bloody killing me right now. You know, I could've actually had some respect for you if you decided to go face-to-face. But instead, you decided to blindside me like the coward that I know you are. And I understand, because I would've dropped you exactly where you stood!

So this... [points down at the belt] this is a warning to whoever wins my Women's World Championship. When I come back, I'm coming back for blood! But no, no, no. I'm not just gonna be gone because of an injury. I'm gonna be gone because, when I find Liv back there, I swear they're gonna have to lock me up in Montreal jail!

---

Cathy Kelley: I'm standing by with Liv Morgan. And as you know, earlier tonight, Rhea Ripley was forced to vacate the Women's World Championship. The crowd here in Montreal not pleased by that announcement at all. Is this the conclusion of your Revenge Tour?

Liv Morgan: You know, Cathy, I can't even lie, I'm a little bit confused by that reaction. I feel like I'm walking around back here, and everyone is mad at me, and for what? I'm not the bad guy here. Where was the sympathy for me when Rhea literally tore my shoulder out of my socket and put me on the shelf for 8 months? Oh yeah. There wasn't any of that. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a shoulder for a shoulder. This is karma at its very finest, so Rhea got exactly what she deserved.

You wanna know what the best part is? This isn't the end of the Liv Morgan Revenge Tour. No, this is just the beginning, because the end is Liv Morgan as your Women's World Champion. Watch me.

September 23

[During the Intercontinental Championship Match]

Joe Tessitore: Spear! Could this be the moment?! Could it be?! For the first time ever, could Jey grab gold?! [Jey Uso hits the splash on Bron Breakker] Oh my, Wade! Here it is! [The referee counts three] Go ahead and Yeet! He did it!

Samantha Irvin: Here is your winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Main Event Jey Uso!!!

Joe: How do you not love this?! A veteran who waited, whose identity was always tagged as "he's a twin, he's part of a tag team." [Jey exits the ring and enters the audience] And after 14 years, finally a singles champion! He is taking it to the people! They are celebrating! Jey Uso is the Intercontinental Champion!

November 25

[Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods are heading to the back after losing to Alpha Academy. Tension between them have been boiling over for months now, and they are now arguing about Xavier calling the shots for the team.]

Xavier Woods: Kof', what the HELL was that out there?! You're wrestling like garbage! Are you gonna HELP me at some point?!

Kofi Kingston: I'M wrestling like— if I was garbage, what were you?! You talkin' about "help" you? Have I not done everything BUT help you? That's all I've ever done! Did I not give you MY Intercontinental title shot a couple of weeks ago for YOU? Matter of fact, when you were King of the Ring, I was on bended knee, fluttering your damn cape! I did that for YOU! And what did you do with those opportunities, by the way? You fumbled the title shot, and you fumbled the crown! [the audience is stunned in awe.] There's a reason that E and I never let you call the shots, man... [there are audible "OOOOOOOH" from the audience.] because you're too RECKLESS out there, man! You take too many unnecessary risks—

Woods: "Unnecessary ris"—

Kofi: —just like you did out th—

Woods: SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK FOR A SECOND!!! "Unnecessary risks"? I remember when you were too terrified to take ANY kind of risk, and that's exactly why you couldn't get a shot at the Heavyweight Championship until I came along. And took those risks FOR you, Kof'. I'm the reason you became champion.

Kofi: You're the reason...

Woods: Yeah.

Kofi: ... that I became champion? Nah, man... I was a Hall of Famer when you met me. That's why YOU asked ME to be a part of this group, not the other way around! Don't you ever forget that! [the audience is applauding Kofi's truth about his accoladed career.] And you of all people... shouldn't be talking about championships and titles, because last time I checked... you still haven't won a singles championship by YOURSELF, now, have you?! [the audience is shocked at what Kofi is saying while Woods is standing there, seething.] Woods... do you know why YOU have never been a World Champion like ME and like E? It's because you have not been good enough! [more emphatic "OOOOOHS" from the crowd as Xavier can't even look at Kofi.] And that is NOT my fault!

Woods: "Good enough", huh? I was "good enough" to FIGHT for you, wasn't I? I was "good enough" to take your BEATINGS for you, wasn't I? I was "good enough" to BELIEVE in you, wasn't I?! Just like THEY believed in you! And what did we do with that belief? We turned it into KofiMania, and we HANDED it to you! And what did you do with that, Kof'? You pissed it away on a silver platter in 6 seconds to BROCK LESNAR!

[the crowd is stunned at what Woods said as he and Kofi are now face-to-face with each other. Kofi, in particular is displaying rare anger.]

Kofi: I swear to GOD... if you were anybody el—

Woods: If I was "what", Kof'? If I was anybody else, you'd finally get mad?