A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV series)
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, or simply A Series of Unfortunate Events, is an American black comedy-drama web television series from Netflix about the orphaned Baudelaire children who must outwit their devious guardian Count Olaf, who adopts various schemes and disguises in his many attempts to claim their family fortune for himself. The show was developed by Mark Hudis and Barry Sonnenfeld, based on the children's novel series of the same name by Lemony Snicket.
The Bad Beginning: Part 1
- Lemony: If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else. In this story is there not only no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.
- Lemony: This story will be dreadful, melancholy, and calamitous. A word which here means "dreadful and melancholy."
- Lemony: Sunny Baudelaire was an infant, a word which here means, "A person of the age of which one mostly speaks in a series of unintelligible shrieks that most people had trouble understanding what she was saying."
- Violet: First of all, first impressions are often wrong.
- Olaf: Very true. For example, your first impression of me may be that I'm a terrible person. But, in time, Baudelaires, I hope you'll come to realize... you haven't the faintest idea.
- Olaf: Well, I hope I can prove myself to be the father you never had.
- Klaus: We had a father.
- Olaf: Yes, I know. And a mother. Remarkable woman. Flammable.
The Bad Beginning: Part 2
- Lemony: Hello. My name is Lemony Snicket. And I am sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching is extremely unpleasant. From the beginning of this miserable tale 'til the last melancholy scene, I cannot think if a single line, a single word, that does not chill me to my deepest bones.
- Olaf: Do you know what the question is I am asked most is?
- Hook-Handed Man: "Will you please leave the premises?"
- Lemony: The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one, but it does not describe Count Olafs behavior toward the children. "Standoffish" refers to a person who for various reasons is not associating with others. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party, might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person. It would not describe somebody who provides one bed for three people to sleep in, forces them to do horrible chores, and strikes them across the face. There are many words for people like that. But "standoffish" isn't one of them.
- Lemony: Marriage is like sharing a root beer float or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume. Even when it's happening on stage, you should only do it with the people you love.
- Olaf: You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world is raising a child. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing, and performing in a theatrical presentation for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune.
The Reptile Room: Part 1
- Poe: I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly dressed consultant who walked into my office with no references and no identification, and who suggested that I put you in Count Olaf's care.
- Lemony: Lousy Lane is perhaps the most unpleasant lane in the world. It runs past an orchard of trees which once produced apples so sour one only had to look at them to feel ill. It circles a horseradish factory so the entire area smells bitter and strong.
- Monty: I don't like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies.
- Monty: And I will go and find the children, who you say have hidden themselves in the reptile room because you chased them up and down the staircase with a knife.
- Olaf: A simple misunderstanding.
- Monty: Yes. Well, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that.
- Monty: Well, I insist you come.
- Olaf: I insist upon staying here.
- Monty: But I insisted first.
- Olaf: Well, I insisted louder!
The Reptile Room: Part 2
- Violet: We wouldn't go to the end of the driveway with you, much less international waters.
- Olaf: Don't you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?
- Poe: I never had one.
- Olaf: An imagination or a childhood?
- Lemony: It is now necessary for me to use the hackneyed phrase, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch." The word "hackneyed" here means used by so many writers it is a tiresome cliche. While, "Meanwhile, back at the ranch" is a phrase to link what is going on in one part of a story with another part, and has nothing to do with cows or creamy salad dressing.
- Olaf: The Virginian Wolfsnake can bludgeon you to death with a typewriter!
- Jacquelyn: Telegram for a Mr. Count Olaf.
- Olaf: It's just 'Count Olaf!' "Count" is my honorific; calling me "Mr." is not only redundant, it's an insult to my station. Who- [he opens the door, sees Jacquelyn and grins] Well, we meet again. You might want to ease up on the bronzer.
- Jacquelyn: I hope you don't think you're going to Peru, 'Yessica Haircut'. [steps inside, closes the door behind her]
- Olaf: I find it helpful to leave the country now and then. See some ruins, wait for the manhunt to die down, eat some cuy.
- Jacquelyn: You won't be eating any cuy, unless it's served in a prison cafeteria.
- Olaf: Why would I be eating in a prison cafeteria?
- Jacquelyn: Because I'm taking you to prison.
- Olaf: Well, good luck with that. [pulls out his knife] I'm armed.
- Jacquelyn: Hm. [pulls out a cleaver] So am I.
- Olaf: Child's play. [pulls out a machete]
- Jacquelyn: Adorable. [pulls out a harpoon gun and holds it to his neck]
- Olaf: Is that a harpoon gun? [drops his weapons] You'd never use it. One of your great gifts is your eminent compassion. You wouldn't squash a spider.
- Jacquelyn: I like spiders.
- Olaf: Well, that's good, because there's one on your shoulder right now.
- Jacquelyn: I'm not falling for that!
- Olaf: No, no, I'm serious. It's on your left shoulder. It's one of the bigger ones; I wanna say 'tarantula?' [shudders]
[As Jacquelyn glances at her shoulder, Olaf ducks away, flips the folding bed on top of her and runs across the room. Jacquelyn catches him by the collar at the porthole]
- Jacquelyn: You're not going anywhere, you snake.
- Olaf: You're forgetting, my dear Jacquelyn: snakes shed their skin!
[he slips out of his robe- and Jacquelyn's grip- and jumps into the sea in his long johns]
The Wide Window: Part 1
- Vanessa: Welcome to Lachrymose News, where things that are happening keep happening until they stop happening.
- Lemony: If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there'd hardly be any sunshine to be seen. Instead there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness, blizzards of despair, misery in the form of sleet storms, various cold fronts of terror, horror, attacks of allergies, not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.
- Olaf: You know, in many ways I am married to the sea.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: This is actually a large lake.
- Olaf: I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.
- Klaus: At least Aunt Josephine's trying. She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked. We shouldn't complain.
- Violet: You're right. She means well. Even though she's terrified of everything, we shouldn't complain.
- Klaus: You're right.
[There is a short moment of silence]
- Klaus: I want to complain anyway.
- Josephine: It’s a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It’s like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, thinking there's one more stair than there is. And your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise.
- Olaf: I remember it as if it were yesterday.
- Josephine: Although it was only a few hours ago.
- Violet: You're not a sea captain.
- Olaf: Oh, yes, I am. It says so on my business cards.
The Wide Window: Part 2
- Poe: I must say, other than a gaping middle age-shaped hole in the window, I can see no sign of struggle or break-in.
- Poe: The point is that you just can't start jumping to conclusions. You jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you're jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he'd stop at nothing until he got a hold of your parents' enormous fortune is involved in some plot to get a hold of your parents' enormous fortune.
- Lemony: Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth. Particularly if the thing is cats.
- Lemony: Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges. "Plethora" is a word which here means "Too many to list," but I will try.
- Josephine: Let's all close our eyes as if we're watching some onscreen entertainment that's too scary for people our age.
The Miserable Mill: Part 1
- Poe: It's a catastrophe. It's unprecedented. It's off-book, it's unfortunate. The Baudelaires are lost and unsupervised. Do you know what that means?!?
- Fish Head Salesperson: "Without supervision."
- Violet: I hope Mr. Poe isn't too worried about us.
[Klaus and Sunny stare at her]
- Violet: Good point.
- Lemony: If you like stories in which children enjoy pleasant rides in truck beds on their way to colorful destinations, where they finally solve the curious mysteries plaguing their lives, that story is streaming elsewhere.
- Lemony: "Out of the woods" is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be. Hansel and Gretel, two siblings enter the woods and are menaced by an elderly cannibal. Little Red riding Hood, a wolf enters the woods and is menaced by a rude little girl. And Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond.
- Lemony: "Partners" can mean several things. It could mean "two people who own a lumbermill together, or a cupcakery." Now, with the advent of more progressive cultural mores, not to mention certain High Court rulings, it could also mean...
- Sir: I do all the work, he irons my clothes.
- Olaf: Did you ever know a woman, truck driver, who took your heart and rattled it like a bay in a cage? Who joined you for years on a sequence of heists and schemes until the two of you were forced apart by circumstance, and also because you ran off in the middle of the night with a bunch of her valuables?
- Lemony: For example, if an optimist were to have his right arm bitten off by an alligator, he might say, "Oh, boy, half-price manicures for life." As for the rest of us would say, "Ah, my arm." "Optimist" is not to be confused with "optometrist," a word meaning "health care professional who performs eye exams." Although both can be dangerous.
- Charles: I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand, he had a very terrible childhood.
- Klaus: I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now.
The Miserable Mill: Part 2
- Phil: [after his leg is crushed] Oh boy! Half-price pedicures for life!
- Olaf: You drank all of my wine.
- Orwell: You poisoned my coffee.
- Olaf: You tried to hypnotize me.
- Orwell: It was the only way to shut you up!
- Lemony: Unless you are a murderer or a taxidermist, it is rare to have actual skeletons in your closet as opposed to metaphorical ones.
- Violet: Why do you hate us so much?
- Olaf: Because it's fun.
- Orwell: You know, they say holding a baby can make all these deep, primal parenting instincts kick in. I don't see it.
The Austere Academy: Part 1
Olaf/Coach Genghis: (in a Texas accent) I'm here to school you.
The Austere Academy: Part 2
- Olaf: Didn’t your parents teach you anything?
- Violet: They taught us to survive.
- Olaf: Well they do say, "Those who can’t do... teach."
The Ersatz Elevator: Part 1
- [At "Herring Houdini", a fake restaurant run by Olaf's acting troupe]
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: [deadpan] Welcome to Herring Houdini, home of pickled fish.
- Hook-Handed Man: Everything here's been prepared for you!
- Powder-Faced Woman 1: And very quickly!
- Powder-Faced Woman 2: But not because we got a phone call five minutes ago.
- Hook-Handed Man: For the children, we offer a tour of the kitchen!
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Where they'll probably not be thrown into a burlap sack.
- Hook-Handed Man: And for the adults...
- Bald Man: [appears, offering] Vodka martinis?
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Which don't have any sleeping potion in them, at all.
- [Jerome and Esmé, bewildered, do not initially respond.]
- Violet: Mr. Squalor, we can't eat here.
- "Gunther"/Olaf: This sounds perfect, please. Yes!
- Jerome: I don't like to argue. I'll let my wife decide...
- Esmé: [composes herself] ...Vodka in a martini?
- [The hook-handed and bald men nod eagerly.]
- Esmé: Are we living in garbage?! [leaves in disgust, followed by Jerome and the Baudelaires. Olaf gives his troupe an annoyed look.]
- Powder-Faced Women: [simultaneously] Isn't this a fine kettle of fish!
- [At Café Salmonella]
- Larry Your-Waiter: Hello, I'm Larry, your waiter. Welcome to Café Salmonella, the city's innest restaurant, and the only restaurant serving an all-salmon menu, including beverages and table linens! [begins handing out menus]
- Sunny: <Larry?>
- Violet: It's that same waiter. He's everywhere we go--
- Klaus: He's always trying to help us.
- "Gunther"/Olaf: [without fake accent] Larry... [resumes accent] I, ah...I think I'm feeling queasy, please, and I need to run back to pretty lady's apartment, where there is nothing hidden, by the way!
- Larry Your-Waiter: [stops Olaf] Nonsense, sir! We've had the menu translated especially for our foreign guests.
- "Gunther"/Olaf: And what language did you have it translated into, please?
- Larry Your-Waiter: The one you speak most fluently.
- "Gunther"/Olaf: Ah, well, well, well, I speak all of them hella fluently!
- Larry Your-Waiter: [sits Olaf down as Olaf groans] Then there's nothing to worry about! [finishes handing out menus, then offers Jerome and Esmé two glasses of pinkish liquid] May I start you off with still or sparkling salmon-flavored water?
- Esmé: [incredulous] Salmon-flavored...? [laughs] You are making my mouth water and turn pink!
- Jerome: How do you make your water salmon-flavored?
- Larry Your-Waiter: We put salmon in it.
- Jerome: I'll have regular water, thank you.
- Violet: So would we.
- Esmé: Nonsense! Jerome, what if someone sees you drinking it? [to Violet and Klaus] Regular water isn't in!
- Klaus: But it's the primary ingredient in aqueous martinis...
- Larry Your-Waiter: I think the young people might enjoy playing along with the theme of Café Salmonella [holds up a piece of paper with "V.F.D." written on it] and its Virulently Fishy Decor!
The Ersatz Elevator: Part 2
[Sunny crawls out of the Erzatz Elevator to find Fernald guarding the door of the penthouse]
- Fernald: The management regrets it cannot allow any orphans to escape at this time.
- Sunny Baudelaire: *indistinct garble* (Someday, Olaf's perfidy will end.)
- Fernald: [frowns] What does "perfidy" mean?
- Sunny Baudelaire: *indistinct garble* (Treachery, basically)
- Fernald: Ahhh. You know, you're clever, and you're good with your teeth. If you play your cards right, you could join our troupe instead of surrendering your life and your fortune in more or less that order.
[Sunny crawls past him into the penthouse]
- Fernald: Hey, whattaya think you're doing? Heyy!-
[Sunny slams the door, locking him out]
[Sunny re-emerges with various items]
- Fernald: You are in big trouble!
[Sunny hands him a parsley soda]
- Fernald:... What am I supposed to do with this?
[Sunny takes it back, pops the cap and hands it back]
- Fernald: Ohh... Oh, no! You're not bribing your way out of this! What am I supposed to tell the boss when you're not in that elevator shaft?!
[Arranging her various items into a parachute, Sunny jumps back into the Erzatz Elevator]
- Fernald: [Gasps with horror for a moment]... Oh, well that worked out.
The Vile Village: Part 1
- Olivia: (about Olaf) He just made a left-hand turn without signalling.
- Jacques: That man's villainy knows no bounds.
- Count Olaf: Who are you? Wait... the smell of paste, the glassy-eyed stare of someone who works with children. You're that school librarian!
- Olivia Caliban: That was a long time ago.
- Count Olaf: It wasn't that long ago; it was actually just, like, a few-
- Jacques Snicket: The jig is up, Olaf.
- Count Olaf: "Jig?"
- Jacques Snicket: It's a phrase which means "Your scheme has been undone." As Dante once said-
- Count Olaf: (scatting) Ubshubshadoobadoobang!
- Jacques Snicket:... Dante never said that.
- Coung Olaf: (scatting) Shoobadybabidybowow...
[Olaf tries to run for the door, but Olivia catches his ankle in a firehose, causing him to fall on his face.]
- Count Olaf: ...Owww.
- Olivia Caliban: Tell us where the triplets are.
- Count Olaf: Triplets? I thought they were twins.
- Jacques Snickett: Where are they? Where did you put them?
- Count Olaf: Wait, there's two of them, right? One who writes poetry and one who cries all the time?
- Olivia Caliban: We shouldn't do this here; anyone could walk in this saloon who's over eighteen.
[They hoist Olaf upright; Jacques pulls out a pair of handcuffs]
- Jacques Snicket: You know what these are?
- Count Olaf: Uh, Bracelett Things of Justice? No, it's on the tip of my tongue...
- Olivia Caliban: Time's up, they're handcuffs.
- Count Olaf: (sarcastically) Handcuffs? Who knew?
- Jacques Snicket:(cuffing Olaf) Gag him.
- Count Olaf: Ah, no, that bandanna's not my color; I'm more of a spring-summer-
- Olivia Caliban: (gags him) You don't deserve to wear colors that compliment the undertones of your complexion.
- Jacques Snicket: Fun, isn't it?
- Olivia Caliban: What?
- Jacques Snicket: Getting your man.
- Count Olaf: (gagged) I only have one question: who is Dante?
- Jacques Snicket: Dante was an Italian poet, thirteenth century; he wrote The Divine Comedy.
- Count Olaf: (gagged) Oh.
- Count Olaf: Trapped. Caught like a bat in a trap. These dark, bare walls are closing in. I call to you, spirits of the jail cell! Save me! Save me! How long has it been? The days turn to months...
- Jacques Snicket: It’s been 8 minutes, would you like some tea?
The Vile Village: Part 2
- Anabelle: Hold on a moment. We can't simply burn people at the stake whenever we want. We're civilized people.
- Jemma: How about after supper?
- Anabelle: Okay.
- Jacquelyn: Do you smell smoke?
- Larry: There's a touch hickory in the dumplings.
- Jacquelyn: Not literally. Figuratively.
- Larry: I always smell smoke figuratively.
- Jacquelyn: I heard from Mr. Poe.
- Larry: Sorry about that, but you do work for him.
- Poe: I don't approve of children being burned at the stake, but it is the rules, and one must always follow the rules.
- Larry: This was a good town once, with good people who helped each other, who put out fires. It can be a good town again.
- Jacquelyn: A noble man has been murdered. Look in your hearts and ask yourselves, what do you really want?
[There is silence for a moment]
- Jemma: To burn children.
[The villagers cheer]
- Count Olaf: What are you waiting for? Shoot!
- Esmé: You try loading a harpoon gun without ruining a manicure.
- Count Olaf: I have!
The Hostile Hospital: Part 1
- Bearded Man: A cheerful attitude is the most effective tool against sickness.
- Klaus: I thought antibiotics were.
- Babs: Paperwork makes the world go round.
- Olaf: I thought money did that.
The Hostile Hospital: Part 2
- Count Olaf: Have you ever hunted, Violet?
- Violet Baudelaire: Of course not.
- Count Olaf: Well, if you had, you'd be familiar with a particular experience. There's a particular moment, at the end of a long hunt, when you have the animal cornered. And the animal looks into your eyes, deep into them, to see if there's any mercy in there. And when it sees that there is not, it gives up. It gives its life to you. Well, I have you cornered, Violet, and I have no mercy.
- Lemony: Sometimes life feels like some dismal story, presented as entertainment by some cruel and invincible author.
[He looks into the camera]
The Carnivorous Carnival: Part 1
- Lemony Snicket: Besides getting several paper cuts on the same day or receiving the news that your worst enemy was rewarded free ice cream, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview. From the moment you introduce yourself, you are participating in a ritual you are likely to find humiliating and sinister. You may be asked to perform some meaningless task which you are in no position to refuse. You are likely to be watched carefully while you perform this task, and you likely have to pretend to be far more enthusiastic than you actually are. And you are likely to be evaluated, a word which here means tested over and over for no reason other than your own embarrassment. The worst thing about a job interview is that it is likely to fill you with despair, whether you are dismissed immediately and find yourself wandering unemployment across a desolate landscape, weeping and moaning or whether you are hired and find yourself wandering across that same desolate landscape, weeping and moaning in exchange for a salary.
The Carnivorous Carnival: Part 2
- Lemony Snicket: Grief, a type of sadness that most often occurs when you have lost someone you love, is a sneaky thing, because it can disappear for a long time, and then pop back up when you least expect it.
- Olivia: I'm more than that. I'm a volunteer.
- Olaf: (sneering) Well, then... thank you for volunteering.
[He cuts the rope holding up the plank, dropping her to her death in the lion's pit]
The Slippery Slope: Part 1
- Lemony Snicket: This advice was given to me by one of the bravest women I've ever known- a woman, who, at that very moment, was running for her life toward the edge of a cliff. Fortunately, like all women, my sister was an expert at doing the impossible.
[Kit Snicket is shown running to the edge of a cliff and stopping short, then turning to face her pursuers]
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: Come, now. There's nowhere to run.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: Except off a cliff.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: Which we plan to throw you off anyway.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: But perhaps this doesn't have to end in violence.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: Give us the Sugar Bowl, and you can go.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: Cross our hearts.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: And hope to die. What do you say, Snicket?
- Kit Snicket: I'd rather jump off a cliff.
[She falls backwards off the cliff, then extends a set of dragonfly-glider wings and swoops away]
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: Should we follow her?
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: We'll send the eagles; they're probably starving.
[They each blow a whistle. Kit glances over her shoulder to see several large eagles bearing down on her. She escapes by diving through the ice of the Stricken Stream. After the eagles retreat, Kit surfaces further downstream and lays back to rest]
- Kit Snicket: [patting her pregnant belly] Oh, you're a trooper, kiddo. I didn't have my first hang-gliding lesson 'till I was seven.
The Slippery Slope: Part 2
- Lemony Snicket: Of course, not all mentors are good. Many years ago in my own organization, there were those who preyed on impressionable minds by taking them in at a point in their life when they might be particularly lost or vulnerable.
[In a flashback, Olaf wanders the V.F.D. tunnels, looking depressed.]
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: You look lost.
- Count Olaf: [scoffs] How can I be lost? There are signs everywhere, which seems kind of dumb for a secret organization.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: We meant figuratively. [They step forward]
- Count Olaf: Who are you? [stiffens] Wait... You're that man with the hair and the woman with the beard, or vice versa! I've heard about you.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: And vice versa. We know what happened at the opera.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard.: And we know how you've spent your nights since.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: Wandering these tunnels.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: Directionless.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: Alone.
- Count Olaf: ...Have you been following me?
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: With great interest, for some time.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: Your friends in V.F.D. betrayed you, but a young man with your talents doesn't need friends.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: He needs guidance.
- Count Olaf: I'll pass. I'm a tortured, brooding loner now. I've even taken up journaling. I'd rather be alone.
- Woman with Hair but no Beard: Why, what a pity.
- Man with a Beard but no Hair: There's so much we could teach you. [Olaf looks intrigued]
- Lemony Snicket: Bad mentors can lead you down a slippery slope, whether you encounter them years later at the top of a mountain, or you belong to their acting troupe.
[In the present, Olaf's acting troupe stand outside his tent.]
- Fernald: They've been in that tent for a wile. I wonder what they're planning.
- 1st White-Faced Woman: I hope it's a picnic.
- 2nd White-Faced Woman: It's never a picnic.
- Bald Man: Not anymore.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate gender: I joined Count Olaf because I thought he could teach me things, like how to harness my natural charisma into a career in the performing arts. [sighs] But I'm beginning to question my life choices.
- Fernald: [nods] I know what you mean. I get the serious creeps from those serious creeps.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate gender: They definitely killed those carnival freaks.
- Fernald: Oh, yeah.
- White-Faced Women: [simultaneously] Dead as doornails!
- Fernald: [to Sunny, who is in a birdcage] What do you think they're up to, baby? [they all look at her]
- Sunny Baudelaire: *indistinct garble (Trouble.)
The Grim Grotto: Part 1
The Grim Grotto: Part 2
- Violet Baudelaire: [concerning Fernald] We're not going anywhere with him!
- Fiona Widdershins: I'm not abandoning my brother! He's the only family I have left.
- Klaus Baudelaire: He-he's dangerous! He's wicked!
- Violet Baudelaire: He burned down Anwhistle Aquatics! I read about it in a Volunteer Factual Dispatch. It said Fernald betrayed V.F.D.; he committed arson, and joined the wrong side of the schism!
- Fernald Widdershins: You still don't get it. There is no wrong side of the schism.
- Violet Baudelaire: Of course there is! One side puts out fires, and the other starts them!
- Fernald Widdershins:... You should have seen the fire. [In a flashback, Fernald is shown weeping in a boat as he watches Anwhiste Aquatics burn] I was an apprentice at Anwhistle Aquatics when I learned what Gregor Anwhistle was cultivating in his Grotto. A fungus so powerful, it could destroy V.F.D.'s enemies once and for all. He was playing with fire. I warned him it was volatile. If the fungus got out, it could destroy everyone! But he didn't listen, so I decided... to fight fire with fire. I'll never forget the sight of it- like the sea was burning. It was the worst day of my life. But what choice did I have?!
[In the flashback, an explosion in the Grotto causes flaming debris to rain down on Fernald, who raises his hands to protect himself]
- Fernald Widdershins: I did a terrible thing for a noble reason, and I paid for it. [raises his hooks] I lost my hands in the fire, and I got kicked out of V.F.D. My stepdad was so furious.
- Fiona Widdershins: He never told me why you did it. He just said there were secrets too terrible for young people to know.
- Fernald Widdershins: [scoffs] He used to say that to me, too. He was a fool.
- Fiona Widdershins: He is not a fool! He is a noble man.
- Klaus Baudelaire: And V.F.D. is a noble organization! They'd never cultivate something that would harm people.
- Fernald Widdershins: Tell that to your little sister.
The Penultimate Peril: Part 1
- Olaf: Hooky's defected.
- Esmé: Just because he doesn't have any hands?
- Olaf: Let him go. I don't care. We got everything we needed from him.
- Esmé: We needed a ride to the hotel.
- Klaus: Do you think we can trust Kit?
- Violet: Since we got into her taxi, she's broken at least nine traffic safety laws, driven into a hedge, and recruited us to spy for a secret organization. I like her.
- Klaus: Me too.
- Dewey: (to Kit) I never want to be apart from you again, except in the restroom, at work, and when one of us is at a movie the other one doesn't want to see.
- Esmé: I hear this hotel has a spa, which is perfect because I'd like a face peel. Do you get to pick whose face, or you just peel it off whoever's around?
- Olaf: I don't think it works that way.
- Olaf: (about Carmelita) Remind me why we can't send her back to her parents.
- Esmé: We burned down their house with them inside.
- Carmelita: Wait, what did you say?
- Esmé: Nothing, darling.
- Jerome: We just have to wait till Thursday. That's when all these unfortunate events will be over and I go back to the real love of my life. We met at a support group for people who have escaped horrible partners. He got a telegram from J.S. too, but he couldn't be here. He's busy at his lumbermill.
- Babs: Well, I have someone too. She also received a telegram, but couldn't make it either. She's in prison for bank robbery.
- Poe: I may forget a name, but I never remember a face.
- Olaf: How tedious.
- Poe: Oh, compliment taken.
The Penultimate Peril: Part 2
- Klaus: Look at Count Olaf. He's about to go to jail. Why does he look so calm?
- Violet: Maybe he's acting calm.
- Klaus: We both know he's not that good of an actor.
- Count Olaf: I've always been honest about my desires, orphans: you, maimed or dead, and your fortune in my rarely-washed hands. That's more than the rest of these people can say.
- Violet Baudelaire: These people are here to help us.
- Count Olaf: Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans.
- Arthur Poe: Vice President of Orphan Affairs.
- Count Olaf: I see a man who was too afraid to protect you, and a woman who values paperwork over people's lives. I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school, as long as I stroked his ego.
- Vice Principal Nero: That's a lie! He only stroked my... violin.
- Count Olaf: I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in", and villagers who only took you in to do their chores. I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world. And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you. These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates. They should be up here right now.
- Ishmael: So, tell me, how did three children like you come to be shipwrecked with a man like that?
- Violet: It's a long story.
- Klaus: Extremely long.
- Sunny: Three seasons.
[The Baudelaires confront Olaf, who is dying from the Medusoid Mycelium and a harpoon wound]
- Count Olaf: At last, you bow before the King of Olaf-Land.
- Violet Baudelaire: We don't have time for your nonsense! We need your help.
- Count Olaf: You need my help? [laughs weakly, sneers] Well, well, well... how do you like them apples?
- Klaus Baudelaire: Take a bite of this apple. It'll dilute the poison.
- Count Olaf: I don't want your bitter fruit! I've lost too much to go on. My parents, my true love, my henchfolk, an enormous fortune I never really earned.
- Violet Baudelaire: You have to go on. Do one good thing in your life, Olaf!
- Count Olaf: I've done lots of good things in my life. I once took in three orphans-
- Klaus Baudelaire: You made us orphans in the first place!
- Count Olaf:... Is that what you think?
- Violet Baudelaire: We know it.
- Count Olaf: You don't know anything.
- Violet Baudelaire: Please! You have to help Kit. Her baby is arriving, she could die!
- Count Olaf: [looks startled]...Kit... might die? [pause, he grabs the apple from Klaus] give me that.
[He bites into it, chews and swallows, then stands up weakly, staggering toward the beach.]
- Klaus Baudelaire: [staring at Olaf's wound] That looks bad.
- Count Olaf: I've been worse.
[Olaf kisses Kit after bringing her to shore and laying her down]
- Sunny Baudelaire: Yuck.
- Kit Snicket: [awakens and sees Olaf] ...You!
- Count Olaf: [smiles sadly] I told you I'd do that one last time.
- Kit Snicket: You are a wicked man. You really think one kind act will make me forgive you all your failings?
- Count Olaf:... I haven't apologized.
[Kit coughs violently, weakened by the Medusoid Mycelium. Olaf touches her cheek]
- Count Olaf: Let me see your eyes.
- Kit Snicket: ...Hm?
- Count Olaf:... "The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one. Yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun."
- Kit Snicket: "The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done."
- Count Olaf:... I never forgot you.
- Kit Snicket: You hurt people.
- Count Olaf: Yeah. And people hurt me. [he groans and lays down next to her, weakened by his wound] It's all over now. What's that thing your brother used to say? "Man hands on misery to man..."
- Kit Snicket: [smiles] "It deepens..."
- Kit Snicket and Klaus Baudelaire: "...Like a coastal shelf."
- Count Olaf: [chuckles weakly] "get out as early as you can-"
[He coughs violently and convulses, pointing at the Baudelaires]
- Count Olaf: "-And don't have any kids yourself."
[He dies, the Baudelaires approach, stunned]
- Sunny Baudelaire: ...Olaf?
- Klaus Baudelaire:... He's gone, Sunny. He's dead.
[Violet closes Olafs eyes]
- Neil Patrick Harris - Count Olaf
- Patrick Warburton - Lemony Snicket
- Malina Weissman - Violet Baudelaire
- Louis Hynes - Klaus Baudelaire
- K. Todd Freeman - Arthur Poe
- Presley Smith - Sunny Baudelaire
- Lucy Punch - Esmé Squalor
- Dylan Kingwell - Duncan and Quigley Quagmire
- Avi Lake - Isadora Quagmire