A Zed & Two Noughts
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- Written and directed by Peter Greenaway
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- In the land of the legless the one-legged woman is queen.
- Imagine that, the body - in all its delicious detail - fading away leaving a skeleton with iron legs.
- Pregnant women are notoriously unreliable. Especially when they're trying to procure an abortion.
- Oswald Deuce: How fast does a woman decompose?
- Oliver Deuce: Six months, maybe a year? Depends on the conditions.
- Oswald Deuce: Does being pregnant make any difference?
- Oliver Deuce: No.
- Oswald Deuce: And the baby?
- Oliver Deuce: How far gone was she?
- Oswald Deuce: Perhaps ten weeks.
- Oliver Deuce: Then you'd never know.
- Oswald Deuce: [long pause] I cannot stand the idea of her rotting away. [short pause] What is the first thing that happens?
- Oliver Deuce: The first thing that happens is bacteria set to work in the intestine.
- Oswald Deuce: What sort of bacteria?
- Oliver Deuce: [matter-of-factly] Bicosis populi. There are supposed to be 130,000 bicoses in each lick of a human tongue; 250,000 in a french kiss. First exchanged at the very beginning of creation when Adam kissed Eve.
- Oswald Deuce: Suppose Eve kissed Adam.
- Oliver Deuce: Unlikely. She used her first 100,000 on the apple.
- Alba Bewick: I am about to become a mother, and you are about to become a father... or fathers.
- Oswald Deuce: You what?
- Oliver Deuce: You are?
- Alba Bewick: I am.
- Oswald Deuce: Good lord.
- Oliver Deuce: You can?
- Alba Bewick: Of course! Is leglessness a form of contraception?
- Oswald Deuce: I'm not sure.
- Alba Bewick: You're not sure!
- Oswald Deuce: I'm delighted!
- Alba Bewick: You are delighted! [suspiciously] A pregnant cripple and you are delighted? Think of what it will do to my sense of balance!
- Oswald Deuce: It might help! Give you more stability.
- Alba Bewick: Then you recommend it? Recommendation's one thing. A womb on crutches is another.
- Oliver Deuce: So... who's the father?
- Alba Bewick: Well, well, well. Why don't you discuss it between yourselves?
- Oliver Deuce: Why, don't you know?
- Alba Bewick: Grand dieu! Does an animal behaviorist need to ask such questions? As far as I'm concerned, you both are.
- Oswald Deuce: But you...
- Alba Bewick: NO BUTS! [smiling] You're brothers, aren't you? What's a few spermatozoa among brothers!
- Andréa Ferréol - Alba Bewick
- Brian Deacon - Oswald Deuce
- Eric Deacon - Oliver Deuce
- Frances Barber - Venus de Milo
- Joss Ackland - Van Hoyten
- Jim Davidson - Joshua Plate
- Agnes Brulet as Beta Bewick
- Guusje Van Tilborgh - Caterina Bolnes
- Gerard Thoolen - Van Meegeren
- Ken Campbell - Stephen Pipe
- Wolf Kahler - Felipe Arc-en-Ciel
- Geoffrey Palmer - Fallast