According to Jim

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According to Jim (2001–2009) s an American TV sitcom staring Jim Belushi in the title role as a suburban father of five children. It originally ran on ABC from October 3, 2001 to June 2, 2009.


Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Jim: Will you do something for me?
Cheryl: Anything.
Jim: All right! I got all day to think about it.

Cheryl: What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
Jim: I don't know, but honey, we got to do something, cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...
Cheryl: ...Gracie...
Jim: ...right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.

The Crush [1.06][edit]

Jim: Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom.
Dana: You didn't use it, did you?
Jim: Not on my teeth.

Cheryl's Old Flame [1.07][edit]

Jim: Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?

Jim: Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?
Cheryl: You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.
Jim: Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?

An According to Jiminy Christmas [1.10][edit]

Ruby: What's that on daddy's head.
Cheryl: Hair.
Jim: Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.

Cheryl: Hey, where are you going?
Jim: I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.

Model Behavior [1.12][edit]

Jim: Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it.

Jim: Are you nervous?
Ruby: No.
Jim: Then why are your hands so cold?
Ruby: You made me hold your Slurpee!

Season 2[edit]

The Importance of Being Jim [2.01][edit]

Cars & Chicks [2.02][edit]

The Baby Monitor [2.03][edit]

The Pizza Boy [2.04][edit]

Jim: I married her for her looks.
Cheryl: I married him for his money.
Jim: Hah! I win!

The Closet [2.05][edit]

Punch the Ruby [2.06][edit]

Jim: Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
Dana: But you are big, Jim.

Cheryl: Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
Dana: Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!

The Bachelor [2.07][edit]

Dana: You guys are not gonna believe this.
Jim: Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.

Father Disfigure [2.08][edit]

Jim: Where's the rulebook?"
Cheryl: What rulebook?"
Jim: You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.

Jim: You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?
Reverend: Gaylord.

Thanksgiving Confidential [2.09][edit]

The Christmas Party [2.10][edit]

Jim: Well you know what Cheryl? I'm having a cutlery sale: 50% off every knife in my back!

The Brother-in-Law [2.11][edit]

Moral Dilemma [2.12][edit]

Jim: Here's a language everybody understands. [Pulls out a bill]
Dana: Is that a one dollar bill Jim?
Jim: Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.

You Gotta Love Somebody [2.13][edit]

You Gotta Love Somebody [2.14][edit]

The Smell of Success [2.15][edit]

Slumber Party [2.16][edit]

The Ring [2.17][edit]

Wonder Woman [2.18][edit]

The Pass [2.19][edit]

Dana Gets Fired [2.20][edit]

Bo Diddley [2.21][edit]

Deal with the Devlins [2.22][edit]

The Helmet [2.23][edit]

No Harm, No Foul [2.24][edit]

About a Girl [2.25][edit]

Jim: I am in great shape.
Cheryl: What shape is that, a circle?

Mom's Boyfriend [2.26][edit]

Vegas, Baby (Part 1 of 2) [2.27][edit]

Vegas, Baby (Part 2 of 2) [2.28][edit]

Season 3[edit]

The Errand [3.01][edit]

Cheryl: [about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.

The Packer Ball [3.02][edit]

We Have a Bingo [3.03][edit]

Getting to Know You [3.04][edit]

The Lemonade Stand [3.05][edit]

ABCs and 123s [3.06][edit]

Dana Dates Jim [3.07][edit]

Scary Movie [3.08][edit]

Imaginary Friend [3.09][edit]

Paintball [3.10][edit]

The Empty Gesture [3.11][edit]

Rules of Engagement [3.12][edit]

Secret Santa [3.13][edit]

House for Sale [3.14][edit]

Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches.

Dana Dates the Reverend [3.15][edit]

The Best Man [3.16][edit]

Cheryl Sings [3.17][edit]

Mindy: [speaking Japanese] Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
Dana: I'd like to kill myself.
Mindy: Silly – no.
Dana: No, I'd like to kill myself.

When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 1 of 2) [3.18][edit]

When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2) [3.19][edit]

Dana: Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!

Andy: I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!

No Crime, But Punishment [3.20][edit]

Jim: Cheryl, books are for idiots!

The Baby [3.21][edit]

Andy: Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?

Jim: The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.

Who's the Boss? [3.22][edit]

Jim: [about World War II] Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1.

The Truck [3.23][edit]

Jim: [to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
Dana: What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?

The Toilet [3.24][edit]

Jim: The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!

Trashed [3.25][edit]

The Marriage Bank [3.26][edit]

Everyone Gets Dumped [3.27][edit]

The Swimming Pool [3.28][edit]

A Vast Difference [3.29][edit]

Season 4[edit]

A Hole in One [4.01][edit]

The Effort [4.02][edit]

The Grill [4.03][edit]

The Garage Door [4.04][edit]

Andy: Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...
Jim: You're insane!

Dress to Kill Me [4.05][edit]

Father-Daughter Dance [4.06][edit]

Plot Twist [4.07][edit]

The Hunters [4.08][edit]

Poking the Bear [4.09][edit]

Stalking Santa [4.10][edit]

Sympathy from the Devlins [4.11][edit]

The Nanny-Cam [4.12][edit]

The Jealous Husband [4.13][edit]

A Crying Shame [4.14][edit]

Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner? [4.15][edit]

The Wedding Dress [4.16][edit]

The Mustache [4.17][edit]

Shall We Dance? [4.18][edit]

Take My Wife, Please [4.19][edit]

Spelling Bee [4.20][edit]

Kentucky Fried Beltzman [4.21][edit]

The Clock [4.22][edit]

The Competition [4.23][edit]

The Bachelorette Party [4.24][edit]

Geronimo Jim [4.25][edit]

The Scrapbook [4.26][edit]

Wedding Bell Blues [4.27][edit]

Season 5[edit]

Foul Ball [5.01][edit]

The Tale of the Tape (Part 1 of 2) [5.02][edit]

The Tale of the Tape (Part 2 of 2) [5.03][edit]

Charity Begins at Hef's [5.04][edit]

The Race [5.05][edit]

Anec-Don'ts [5.06][edit]

The Chick Whisperer [5.07][edit]

James & the Annoying Peach [5.08][edit]

The Dream [5.09][edit]

Lean on Me [5.10][edit]

The Gift of Maggie [5.11][edit]

Sex Ed Fred [5.12][edit]

Renewing Vows [5.13][edit]

The Stick [5.14][edit]

Mr. Right [5.15][edit]

Jim: Eric Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!
Cheryl:"It was NOT Eric Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!
Jim: Guns!
Cheryl: Thumbs up!
Jim: GUNS!
Cheryl: THUMBS UP!

Get Your Freak On [5.16][edit]

The Grumpy Guy [5.17][edit]

Polite Jim [5.18][edit]

Daddy Dearest [5.19][edit]

The Thin Green Line [5.20][edit]

Jim's Best Friend [5.21][edit]

Jim: Cheryl, can Kyle swim?
Cheryl: I don't care. Hey, were's Andy? I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?
Jim: Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it.
Cheryl: Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?
Jim: I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else.

Ryan: You had chest pains Andy. You know that's it, I'm taking your blood pressure.
Andy: As long as you don't do it rectally!
Ryan: Not if you were stuffed full of gold.

Belaboring the Point [5.22][edit]

Season 6[edit]

The Punch [6.01][edit]

The Flannelsexual [6.02][edit]

Guinea Pygmalion [6.03][edit]

[Talking about the guinea pig Fluffy]
Veterinarian: Are you Fluffy's father.
Jim: I'd like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman.

Cheryl: How's Fluffy?
Jim: Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks.
Cheryl: Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?
Jim: Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky.
Cheryl: "kay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks.
Jim: You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!

Hoosier Daddy [6.04][edit]

Good Grief [6.05][edit]

All the Rage [6.06][edit]

Cheryl Gone Wild [6.07][edit]

Deliverance [6.08][edit]

Jim: [About looking after Dana while she's pregnant] Heroes aren't born...they're cornered.

Dino-Mite [6.09][edit]

Separate Ways [6.10][edit]

In Case of Jimergency [6.11][edit]

Coach Jim [6.12][edit]

The At-Bat [6.13][edit]

What Lies Beneath [6.14][edit]

The Grill II [6.15][edit]

Devlin in Disguise [6.16][edit]

Any Man of Mine [6.17][edit]

Jim: Maybe something that will make you less miserable ... like two tickets two Les Misérables [pronounced less miserables]."

Jim: Cheryl, I don't think the gays have second base. Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run.

Jim's Birthday [6.18][edit]

Season 7[edit]

Jim Almighty [7.01][edit]

Jim: When you go for beer, Gopherhoff?

The Hot Wife [7.02][edit]

Jim: You know what always helps me when I'm not feeling sexy? Some good old-fashioned sex.

Cheryl: Are you crazy?
Jim: Yes. You know that.
Cheryl: Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you.

Safety Last [7.03][edit]

The Perfect Fight [7.04][edit]

Cheryl Goes to Florida [7.05][edit]

Ruby's First Date [7.06][edit]

Period Peace [7.07][edit]

The Rendezvous [7.08][edit]

Goodwill Hunting [7.09][edit]

All Dolled Up [7.10][edit]

Jim [To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's "perfect" party] It wasn't perfect, alright? The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued! Isn't that great!?

Pregnancy Brain [7.11][edit]

The Gift Certificate [7.12][edit]

I Drink Your Milkshake [7.13][edit]

The Chaperone [7.14][edit]

The Six-Week Curse [7.15][edit]

Jim: You know that wearing G.I. Joe underwear does not mean you're going commando.

The Cheater [7.16][edit]

Gracie: There's no way that this milk can stretch over three bowls of cereal.
Jim: You know what? When your daddy was raised during the Great Depression . . . you know what we had to put in our cereal? Tears.
Ruby: The Great Depression was in the 30s.
Jim: Honey, we were so poor that we couldn't afford calendars.

No Bedrest for the Wicked [7.17][edit]

The Devil Went Down to Oak Park [7.18][edit]

Season 8[edit]

The Blankie [8.01][edit]

The New Best Friend [8.02][edit]

Jami McFame [8.03][edit]

Andy's Proposal [8.04][edit]

Two for the Money [8.05][edit]

Cabin Boys [8.06][edit]

The Ego Boost [8.07][edit]

The Yoga Bear [8.08][edit]

Kyle's Crush [8.09][edit]

The Meaningful Gift [8.10][edit]

The Daddy Way [8.11][edit]

Phil: I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know how I'm going to explain all this extra I've won to my wife.
Jim: That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
Phil: I just think she's going to catch it. She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
Jim: I stand corrected: that is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.

Jim: Bill! Bill! Bill!
Phil: My name's Phil.
Jim: Who cares!

Physical Therapy [8.12][edit]

The Cooler One [8.13][edit]

Happy Jim [8.14][edit]

King of the Nerds [8.15][edit]

I Hate the High Road [8.16][edit]

Diamonds Are a Ghoul's Best Friend [8.17][edit]

Heaven Opposed to Hell [8.18][edit]

Unknown Episodes[edit]

Jim: Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!


  • Mitch Rouse – Ryan Gibson (Seasons 4–6, guest season 8)
  • Mo Collins – Emily (Seasons 7–8)
  • Jackie Debatin – Mandy (Season 8)

External links[edit]

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