According to Jim
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- Jim: Will you do something for me?
- Cheryl: Anything.
- Jim: All right! I got all day to think about it.
- Cheryl: What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.
- Jim: I don't know, but honey, we got to do something, cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...
- Cheryl: ...Gracie...
- Jim: ...right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.
The Crush [1.06]
- Jim: Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom.
- Dana: You didn't use it, did you?
- Jim: Not on my teeth.
Cheryl's Old Flame [1.07]
- Jim: Oh, honey, you smell so good. Did you have fries on the way home?
- Jim: Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?
- Cheryl: You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.
- Jim: Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?
An According to Jiminy Christmas [1.10]
- Ruby: What's that on daddy's head.
- Cheryl: Hair.
- Jim: Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.
- Cheryl: Hey, where are you going?
- Jim: I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.
Model Behavior [1.12]
- Jim: Honey, I had no choice. You told me I couldn't do it.
- Jim: Are you nervous?
- Ruby: No.
- Jim: Then why are your hands so cold?
- Ruby: You made me hold your Slurpee!
The Importance of Being Jim [2.01]
Cars & Chicks [2.02]
The Baby Monitor [2.03]
The Pizza Boy [2.04]
- Jim: I married her for her looks.
- Cheryl: I married him for his money.
- Jim: Hah! I win!
The Closet [2.05]
Punch the Ruby [2.06]
- Jim: Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?
- Dana: But you are big, Jim.
- Cheryl: Remember when dad took us to see 'The Exorcist'? I still have trouble going to bed sometimes!
- Dana: Of course you do, you sleep with Jim!
The Bachelor [2.07]
- Dana: You guys are not gonna believe this.
- Jim: Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.
Father Disfigure [2.08]
- Jim: Where's the rulebook?"
- Cheryl: What rulebook?"
- Jim: You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.
- Jim: You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?
- Reverend: Gaylord.
Thanksgiving Confidential [2.09]
The Christmas Party [2.10]
- Jim: Well you know what Cheryl? I'm having a cutlery sale: 50% off every knife in my back!
The Brother-in-Law [2.11]
Moral Dilemma [2.12]
- Jim: Here's a language everybody understands. [Pulls out a bill]
- Dana: Is that a one dollar bill Jim?
- Jim: Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.
You Gotta Love Somebody [2.13]
You Gotta Love Somebody [2.14]
The Smell of Success [2.15]
Slumber Party [2.16]
The Ring [2.17]
Wonder Woman [2.18]
The Pass [2.19]
Dana Gets Fired [2.20]
Bo Diddley [2.21]
Deal with the Devlins [2.22]
The Helmet [2.23]
No Harm, No Foul [2.24]
About a Girl [2.25]
- Jim: I am in great shape.
- Cheryl: What shape is that, a circle?
Mom's Boyfriend [2.26]
Vegas, Baby (Part 1 of 2) [2.27]
Vegas, Baby (Part 2 of 2) [2.28]
The Errand [3.01]
- Cheryl: [about Jim] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
The Packer Ball [3.02]
We Have a Bingo [3.03]
Getting to Know You [3.04]
The Lemonade Stand [3.05]
ABCs and 123s [3.06]
Dana Dates Jim [3.07]
Scary Movie [3.08]
Imaginary Friend [3.09]
The Empty Gesture [3.11]
Rules of Engagement [3.12]
Secret Santa [3.13]
House for Sale [3.14]
- Jim: Everyone, circumcise your watches.
Dana Dates the Reverend [3.15]
The Best Man [3.16]
Cheryl Sings [3.17]
- Mindy: [speaking Japanese] Shinjuku eki-wa doko des-ka. [Where is the train station?] Who can guess what that means?
- Dana: I'd like to kill myself.
- Mindy: Silly – no.
- Dana: No, I'd like to kill myself.
When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 1 of 2) [3.18]
When You Wish to Be a Star (Part 2 of 2) [3.19]
- Dana: Jim, I'm gonna kill you. Then I'm gonna get off this boat, go to Haiti, learn Voodoo, raise you from the dead, and kill you again!
- Andy: I've been drinking my own spit. I drank my own spit!
No Crime, But Punishment [3.20]
- Jim: Cheryl, books are for idiots!
The Baby [3.21]
- Andy: Dana, I'm going to be a daddy! What's new with you, nothing, right?
- Jim: The amazing thing about these little babies is that they give you the chance to start over.
Who's the Boss? [3.22]
- Jim: [about World War II] Write this down. We win. They Lose. USA #1.
The Truck [3.23]
- Jim: [to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.
- Dana: What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?
The Toilet [3.24]
- Jim: The toilet comes with a lifetime guarantee! So we'll never have to worry about buying another toilet. And when I die, Kyle will inherit the throne. It'll be like Shakespeare!
The Marriage Bank [3.26]
Everyone Gets Dumped [3.27]
The Swimming Pool [3.28]
A Vast Difference [3.29]
A Hole in One [4.01]
The Effort [4.02]
The Grill [4.03]
The Garage Door [4.04]
- Andy: Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...
- Jim: You're insane!
Dress to Kill Me [4.05]
- Jim: All right. I was hoping you wouldn't come to this, but I'm gonna have to call the Halloween police. That's right, Kyle. What you do is illegal. But they're not gonna arrest you. No, they're gonna come and take daddy away. Is that what you want?
- Kyle: I want to be Cinderella!
- Jim: All right! (looks at Andy) That's it, I need a break. You want a beer?
Father-Daughter Dance [4.06]
Plot Twist [4.07]
The Hunters [4.08]
Poking the Bear [4.09]
Stalking Santa [4.10]
Sympathy from the Devlins [4.11]
The Nanny-Cam [4.12]
The Jealous Husband [4.13]
A Crying Shame [4.14]
Guess Who's Cooking Your Dinner? [4.15]
The Wedding Dress [4.16]
The Mustache [4.17]
Shall We Dance? [4.18]
Take My Wife, Please [4.19]
Spelling Bee [4.20]
Kentucky Fried Beltzman [4.21]
The Clock [4.22]
The Competition [4.23]
The Bachelorette Party [4.24]
Geronimo Jim [4.25]
The Scrapbook [4.26]
Wedding Bell Blues [4.27]
Foul Ball [5.01]
The Tale of the Tape (Part 1 of 2) [5.02]
The Tale of the Tape (Part 2 of 2) [5.03]
Charity Begins at Hef's [5.04]
The Race [5.05]
The Chick Whisperer [5.07]
James & the Annoying Peach [5.08]
The Dream [5.09]
Lean on Me [5.10]
The Gift of Maggie [5.11]
Sex Ed Fred [5.12]
Renewing Vows [5.13]
The Stick [5.14]
Mr. Right [5.15]
- Jim: Eric Estrada asked me directions and he gave me.. the guns!
- Cheryl:"It was NOT Eric Estrada and it was the thumbs up sign!
- Jim: Guns!
- Cheryl: Thumbs up!
- Jim: GUNS!
- Cheryl: THUMBS UP!
Get Your Freak On [5.16]
The Grumpy Guy [5.17]
Polite Jim [5.18]
Daddy Dearest [5.19]
The Thin Green Line [5.20]
Jim's Best Friend [5.21]
- Jim: Cheryl, can Kyle swim?
- Cheryl: I don't care. Hey, were's Andy? I thought you guys had that Indianapolis 500 thing?
- Jim: Yeah, we did, but then he remembered he had a doctor's appointment. You know what? He's been on this health kick ever since he had those chest pains. I don't get it.
- Cheryl: Hey, you know what? I'm going to do a few pages in our holiday scrap book later. Wanna help me?
- Jim: I'm bored Cheryl, not somebody else.
- Ryan: You had chest pains Andy. You know that's it, I'm taking your blood pressure.
- Andy: As long as you don't do it rectally!
- Ryan: Not if you were stuffed full of gold.
Belaboring the Point [5.22]
The Punch [6.01]
The Flannelsexual [6.02]
- [Talking about the guinea pig Fluffy]
- Veterinarian: Are you Fluffy's father.
- Jim: I'd like to think so, but he looks a lot like the mailman.
- Cheryl: How's Fluffy?
- Jim: Well, he needs surgery. It costs 2100 bucks.
- Cheryl: Oh my God. When's it scheduled for?
- Jim: Well, the same day that 2100 dollars falls from the sky.
- Cheryl: "kay, honey I know it's a lot of money, but we're just gonna have to find some ways to make some cutbacks.
- Jim: You know what, you're absolutely right. First cutback: Fluffy the guinea pig!
Hoosier Daddy [6.04]
Good Grief [6.05]
All the Rage [6.06]
Cheryl Gone Wild [6.07]
- Jim: [About looking after Dana while she's pregnant] Heroes aren't born...they're cornered.
Separate Ways [6.10]
In Case of Jimergency [6.11]
Coach Jim [6.12]
The At-Bat [6.13]
What Lies Beneath [6.14]
The Grill II [6.15]
Devlin in Disguise [6.16]
Any Man of Mine [6.17]
- Jim: Maybe something that will make you less miserable ... like two tickets two Les Misérables [pronounced less miserables]."
- Jim: Cheryl, I don't think the gays have second base. Once you pick up the bat, it's a home run.
Jim's Birthday [6.18]
Jim Almighty [7.01]
- Jim: When you go for beer, Gopherhoff?
The Hot Wife [7.02]
- Jim: You know what always helps me when I'm not feeling sexy? Some good old-fashioned sex.
- Cheryl: Are you crazy?
- Jim: Yes. You know that.
- Cheryl: Oh, honey. You know you're the only man for me. And you know when we're inside that bedroom, we are both only thinking about you.
Safety Last [7.03]
The Perfect Fight [7.04]
Cheryl Goes to Florida [7.05]
Ruby's First Date [7.06]
Period Peace [7.07]
The Rendezvous [7.08]
Goodwill Hunting [7.09]
All Dolled Up [7.10]
- Jim [To his pregnant wife, who's upset she missed her daughter's "perfect" party] It wasn't perfect, alright? The doll place kicked us out, and we'll probably get sued! Isn't that great!?
Pregnancy Brain [7.11]
The Gift Certificate [7.12]
I Drink Your Milkshake [7.13]
The Chaperone [7.14]
The Six-Week Curse [7.15]
- Jim: You know that wearing G.I. Joe underwear does not mean you're going commando.
The Cheater [7.16]
- Gracie: There's no way that this milk can stretch over three bowls of cereal.
- Jim: You know what? When your daddy was raised during the Great Depression . . . you know what we had to put in our cereal? Tears.
- Ruby: The Great Depression was in the 30s.
- Jim: Honey, we were so poor that we couldn't afford calendars.
No Bedrest for the Wicked [7.17]
The Devil Went Down to Oak Park [7.18]
The Blankie [8.01]
The New Best Friend [8.02]
Jami McFame [8.03]
Andy's Proposal [8.04]
Two for the Money [8.05]
Cabin Boys [8.06]
The Ego Boost [8.07]
The Yoga Bear [8.08]
Kyle's Crush [8.09]
The Meaningful Gift [8.10]
The Daddy Way [8.11]
- Phil: I'm a little worried, Jim. I don't know how I'm going to explain all this extra I've won to my wife.
- Jim: That is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
- Phil: I just think she's going to catch it. She gives me 40 bucks a week spending money.
- Jim: I stand corrected: that is the most pathetic sentence I have ever heard.
- Jim: Bill! Bill! Bill!
- Phil: My name's Phil.
- Jim: Who cares!
Physical Therapy [8.12]
The Cooler One [8.13]
Happy Jim [8.14]
King of the Nerds [8.15]
I Hate the High Road [8.16]
Diamonds Are a Ghoul's Best Friend [8.17]
Heaven Opposed to Hell [8.18]
- Jim: Unless I hit a home run, score a touchdown, or I ask you to, that is not okay!
- Jim Belushi – Jim
- Courtney Thorne-Smith – Cheryl
- Kimberly Williams-Paisley – Dana Gibson (Seasons 1–7, guest season 8)
- Larry Joe Campbell – Andy
- Taylor Atelian – Ruby
- Billi Bruno – Gracie
- Conner Rayburn – Kyle (Seasons 4–8)
- Mitch Rouse – Ryan Gibson (Seasons 4–6, guest season 8)
- Mo Collins – Emily (Seasons 7–8)
- Jackie Debatin – Mandy (Season 8)