Addams Family Values

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Addams Family Values is a 1993 sequel to the 1991 comedy The Addams Family.

Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Written by Paul Rudnick.


Morticia: Gomez, marvelous news. I'm going to have a baby. [a beat] Right now.

[Morticia lies on a gurney, enduring intense labour pains. Gomez hovers over her anxiously.]
Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? My darling, is it torture?
Morticia: [coquettishly] Oui.

Little girl in the Hospital Waiting Room: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork and the stork flew down from heaven and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch and the diamond turned into a baby.
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.

[Gomez approaches the family after their baby is born.]
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: ...It's an Addams!

[Looking at their new baby]
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

[the children meet the first nanny]
Heather: Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them? [lights a match]
[Second nanny]
Mrs. Montgomery: All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question- where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
[Third nanny]
Polly: [holding up a puppet] Hello, kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet! What shall we do today? I know- let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up a devil puppet] Hello, Polly. I'll clean my exchange for your immortal soul. [puppet rubs hands together]

Debbie: [meeting Gomez] Isn't he a lady killer!
Gomez: Acquitted.

Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means orphan.

Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen Buckman: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.

[Debbie and Fester stroll through a graveyard in the moonlight.]
Debbie: [seductively posing on a tombstone] Fester, before we go any further, I have a confession. I'm a virgin.
Fester: You are?
Debbie: Yes.
Fester: [pause] What's that?
Debbie: It's someone who's never...experienced...physical love.
Fester: Ohhhhh, you mean with another person!

Gomez: And now - the pièce de la résistance! [Lurch drags in an enormous, grayish cake; wheels creak] Ta-dah! [louder, after a pause] TA-DAH!
[Nothing happens. As an embarrassed silence descends on the party, Gomez opens the top of the cake and looks inside; smoke billows out]
Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head. The guests remain quiet, except for a few sympathetic coos from Cousin Itt. Gomez replaces the lid.]
Gomez: [brightening] C'est la vie!

[Fester is lying in bed, while Gomez sits next to him]
Gomez: [pulling an antiquated pornographic magazine from under Fester's comforter] And what's this...?
[Fester gives a naughty grin and the two brothers chuckle. Gomez opens the centerfold and they both look at it]
Gomez and Fester: [warmly] ...Mom!

[Wednesday and Joel sit on a bench looking out at the lake.]
Wednesday: Are you really allergic?
Joel: Uh-huh, to almost everything.
Wednesday: No, you're not.
Joel: Am too. I can't have dairy products, or wear wool, or drink fluoridated water. Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Wednesday: What?
Joel: I die!
[Wednesday scoots closer to him as sentimental music plays]

Joel: [to Wednesday and Pugsley] Look at this- I got 'em, "Schizos and Serial Killers". I have almost the whole series- I'm only missing Jack the Ripper and that Zodiac guy. But look-The Black Widow!
Wednesday: It might be Debbie.
Joel: At least three rich husbands...all dead.
Pugsley: I'll trade you.
Joel: For what?
Pugsley: [takes a card from his pocket] Amy Fisher!

[Morticia sits in a sunlit nursery, holding a cherubic Pubert and reading The Cat in the Hat; she pauses and looks down at him]
Morticia: Are you enjoying this? To think, a child of mine... [reading dismally] 'I know it is wet, and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny'
[She flips to the last page]
Morticia: [sadly] Oh, no...he lives.

Morticia: You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive...but Debbie...
Debbie: What?
Morticia: [glancing at the decor] Pastels?
Debbie: [furious] Get out of my house!

Grandmama: [makes a sign of the cross with a skull at Debbie] Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!
Debbie: What is she doing?
Grandmama: Just a curse. Have a nice day.

[Gomez lies in bed, weeping in despair at Fester's departure; Fester bursts in and kneels by the bed]
Fester: Gomez!
Morticia, Grandmama: Fester!
Gomez: [distractedly] Fester? Where is Fester?
Morticia: He's right here, mon cher.
Fester: It's me, Gomez. I lived in shame, in the suburbs!
Gomez: [disgustedly] But you belong to Debbie! You are Debbie's love toy! You...are MISTER DEBBIE!!!
Fester: I am an Addams!

[Wednesday and Joel sit talking outside the Addams mansion]
Joel: Wednesday, do you think someday you might wanna get married and have kids?
Wednesday: No.
Joel: But what if you met just the right man, who worshiped and adored you, who'd do anything you say, who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would ya do?
Wednesday: I'd pity him.

Wednesday: Joel, I may never see you again. There are forces tearing us apart - Gary, Debbie, the 7th grade...
Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: You're too weird.

[Wednesday and Amanda do lifeguard saving at camp.]
Amanda: [disgusted] Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?

Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.
Amanda: I'm going to be an actress.
Gary: Brava! Now, Amanda- jump in the water and swim out a couple of yards and start drowning. [Amanda jumps in the water]
Amanda: [overacting] Help me! I'm drowning! Help me, I'm dying! [she takes a deep breath and sinks]
Wednesday: [deadpan] I can't swim. [as large air bubbles erupt from the spot where Amanda is running out of air]

[It’s now evening. Wednesday opens the door to the Harmony Hut and walks out followed by Joel and Pugsley. They are greeted by Gary, Becky and the rest of the campers]
Gary: Well, good evening. Is there anything you’d like to say to everyone?
Wednesday: Yes.
Becky: And just what might that be?
[Wednesday takes a few steps forward]
Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: [scoffs] That's for damn sure.
[Gary goes to put his hand up to stop Amanda, then lowers it]
Wednesday: But I wanna be.
Gary: You do?
Wednesday: I wanna smile, and sing, and dance, and be Pocahontas in Gary's vision.
Becky: Oh, darling, do you really mean it?
[Wednesday struggles, but forces a very wide and sinister smile. The other campers back away in fright.]
Becky: Isn't she pretty?
Amanda: [holds on to Becky’s arm] She's scaring me!

[Debbie places a bomb inside a gift wrapped box and puts it on the table]
Debbie: Don't peek!
Fester: Oh, please, please! What is it? Is it...string?
Debbie: You never know!
Fester: Is it toy?
Debbie: Just you wait!
Fester: [picks up the present and shakes it] It's a bomb!
Debbie: [surprised] What?

[Debbie has just blown up the house.]
Fester: Sweetie! Did you get the champagne?
Debbie: FREEZE!
Fester: Pookie.
Debbie: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity, but oh, no, not you.
Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Fester: Don't you love me? [she laughs pityingly] Is that a no?
Debbie: Do I love you? Look at yourself! You're a nightmare, you're the Missing Link! You shouldn't be married, you should be studied! You're a big, dumb, weird...thing! No woman in her right mind could love you.

[During the camp's Thanksgiving play, with Wednesday as Pocahontas and Amanda as Sarah Miller]
Wednesday: [going off script] Wait!
Amanda: [confused] What?
Wednesday: We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Becky: [whispering] Wednesday!
Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now, my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations; your people will wear cardigans and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the roadsides; you will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation; your people will have stick-shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words!
Wednesday: And for all these reasons, I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Pugsley: Do you miss Debbie?
Fester: Sometimes, late at night...I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jesus, Fester, go back to your room!"

[at Debbie's grave]
Wednesday: She wasn't sick, she was sloppy. If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it- and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel: How?
Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.
Joel: No, you wouldn't. [to the headstone] We're all very sorry, Debbie, and wish you only the best.
[Thing's hand erupts from the soil and grabs his arm; he screams as Wednesday gives an evil smile]

Amanda: ...And then the ghost said, and I will haunt you foreverrr!
Female Campers: Ahhhh.
Amanda: Wednesday, you have to continue the ghost story.
Wednesday: This is dumb.
Amanda: Well, if you can't do it.
Wednesday: [Puts her book down and sets up on the side of her bed] And so the next night the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me. So I'll have to prove my power". Then the next morning, when the campers woke up, all their old noses had grown back.
Wednesday: [Smiles sadistically]

[Gomez and the rest of the Addams family (except Wednesday and Pugsley) are in the police precinct attempting to get Debbie arrested for what she has done to Fester, but they get denied]
Gomez: HAS THE PLANET GONE MAD?! My brother, passion's hostage! I seek justice...denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer, I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil! (Grandmama holds up Pubert while smiling) I have seen horror! (Cuts to Lurch waving) I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!
Morticia: (referring to Wednesday and Pugsley) They're at camp.
Gomez: I have seen all this, officer, but until today, I have never seen...YOU.
Officer: ...Hook 'em, book 'em, cook 'em. Now!

Gary: Wednesday, Pugsley, will a hug hurt us?
Wednesday: We don't hug.
Becky: Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley: We're not shy.
Wednesday: We're contagious.

[At Debbie's bachelorette party, Morticia introduces her to Margaret Addams, wife of Cousin Itt. Margaret shows the two of them her new baby - a bundle of hair with a pacifier]
Margaret: What?
Debbie: [trying not to offend] Oh! I didn't say anything!
Margaret: No, that's the baby's nickname - What?. From the obstetrician.
Morticia: Isn't he precious?
Margaret: We've had offers. [smiles]

[Debbie is seen holding the Addams Family, Lurch and Thing hostage in electric chairs.]
Debbie: I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, bombs or electric chairs. But sometimes, people just won’t listen. So I have to use persuasion...and slides. [shows the family the first slide of her parents] My parents, Sharon and Dave, generous, doting. Or were they?! All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. [shows the family another slide of her anticipating the birthday present she wanted.] I was 10 and do you know what they got me? Malibu Bar-bie!
Morticia: Malibu Barbie!
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
[Debbie shows a slide of her being angry at her parents for getting her the wrong gift.]
Debbie: That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was! I was a ballerina! Graceful! Delicate! They had to go.
[Debbie clicks on the remote to show her house burning, revealing she had killed her parents. While she continues her rant to the family, she is unaware that Pubert returns to his normal self and grabs a knife. He cuts a hole to break free from his crib. Debbie shows the family a slide of her first husband.]
Debbie: My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants.
Grandmama: [concerned] What about your needs?
[Debbie is briefly touched by Grandmama's concerns over her needs.]
Debbie: Sorry about dinner, Deb. The pope has a cold.
[the next slide shows a shadow of an axe on the wall. The surgeon has his hands up with a look of fear on his face]
Grandmama: An axe! That takes me back.
[Debbie clicks the remote to show the next set of slides]
Debbie: Husband number two. The senator. He loved his state, he loved his country!
Grandmama: What about Debbie?
Debbie: "Sorry Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah? Set this!
[the next slide shows the Senator, panicking as car headlights approach him]
[We come to the final set of slides depicting Fester]
Debbie: My latest husband, my LATE husband, Fester.
Fester: The fool.
Debbie: The corpse. And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me?
Gomez: Hands?
[the Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]


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