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Airplane! is a 1980 film that spoofs airport disaster movies. When the crew of an airplane comes down with a severe case of food poisoning, the fate of the passengers depends on an ex-war pilot who is the only one able to land the plane safely.
- It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.
- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to become alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
- Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!
- All right, Striker, you listen, and listen close. Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
- Jack Kilpatrick: Shana, they bought their tickets. They knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash!
- Young Girl Passenger: [when offered cream for her coffee] No thank you, I take it black…like my men.
- LA Control Tower: Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.
- Oveur: Roger.
- Murdock: Huh?
- LA Control Tower: L.A. departure frequency: 1-2-3 point 9'er.
- Oveur: Roger.
- Murdock: Huh?
- Basta: Request vector, over.
- Oveur: What?
- LA Control Tower: Flight 2-0-9'er, clear for vector 2-3-4.
- Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
- Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
- Striker: The stewardess said... [before he could say that she told him the pilot needed help, he notices that only the autopilot is flying the plane] BOTH pilots?!
- Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it?
- Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
- Rumack: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
- Note: those last two lines ranked #79 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.
- Randy: Excuse me sir, there's been a little problem in the cockpit…
- Striker: The cockpit...what is it?
- Randy: It's the little room in the front of the plane where the pilots sit, but that's not important right now.
- Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
- Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
- Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked? Do you like movies about gladiators?
- Oveur: Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
- Reporter: What kind of plane is it?
- Johnny: Oh, it's a big, pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels, and it looks like a big Tylenol!
- [Elaine and Rumack investigate the fish poisoning]
- Elaine: Doctor, Mr. Hammen ate fish, and Randy said there are five more cases, and they all had fish, too.
- Rumack: And the co-pilot had fish. What did the navigator have?
- Elaine: He had fish.
- Rumack: All right, now we know what we're up against. Every passenger on this plane had fish for dinner will become violently ill in the next half hour.
- Elaine: Just how serious is it?
- Rumack: Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. [Oveur starts suffering from these] When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash... [Oveur suffers from those as well] ...then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling. [Oveur also suffers from these] At this point, the entire digestive system collapses, accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence. [Oveur does] Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering, wasted piece of jelly.
- [Oveur collapses completely at the controls and the plane plummets, people swaying back and forth, and warning sign comes on saying "No Smoking - Rows 11-51, No Sexual Intercourse - Rows 13-51"]
- Stewardess: Can I get you something?
- Jive-Speakin Passenger 1: S'mo-fo butter layin' me to the bone, jackin' me up. Tight me?
- Stewardess: What did he say?
- Jive-Speaking Passenger 2: Cutty say he can't hang!
- Jive Lady: Oh, stewardess? I speak Jive. He said, he's in great pain and wants to know if you can help him.
- Stewardess: Could you tell him to just relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?
- Jive Lady: Just hang loose, blood. She gonna catch you up for the rebound on the med-side.
- Jive-Speaking Passenger 1: What it is, big momma? My momma didn't raise no dummies, I dug her rap!
- Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack!
- [The two Jive-speaking men start arguing with her; Jive Lady nods calmly and leaves]
- Jive Lady: Chump don't want no help, chump don't get the help. Jive-ass dude don't got no brains, anyhow.
- [The two Jive-speaking men look at each other in confusion]
- Dr. Rumack: Captain, these passengers don't have much time. How soon can we land?
- Oveur: I can't tell.
- Dr. Rumack: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.
- Oveur: What I mean is, I don't know.
- Dr. Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
- Oveur: ...Not for another two hours.
- Dr. Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
- Oveur: No, what I'm saying is we can't land for another two hours.
- McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make of this? [hands Johnny a map]
- Johnny: This? Well, I can make a hat. I can make a brooch. I can make a pterodactyl!
- Joey: Wait a minute, I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers!
- Murdock: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock, I'm the co-pilot.
- Joey: You are Kareem! I've seen you play! My dad's got season tickets!
- Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?
- Oveur: Nah, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.
- Murdock: [shows his nametag] But just remember, my name is Roger Murdock, I'm an airline pilot.
- Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try, except during the playoffs.
- Murdock: The hell I don't! [looks around to make sure no one is watching and grabs Joey by the shirt up close] Listen, kid. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night! Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.
- Steve: He'll never bring it down in this soup. Never! Not one chance in a million.
- Rex: I know. I know. But it's his ship now, his command. He's in charge, he's the boss, the head man, the top dog, the big cheese, the head honcho, number one...
- What's slower than a speeding bullet, and able to hit tall buildings at a single bound?
- Thank God it's Only a Motion Picture!
- The craziest flight you'll ever take!
- The Plane's going to Chicago. The Pilot's going to New York. The Passengers are going to Pieces!
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar — Roger Murdock
- Lloyd Bridges — McCroskey
- Peter Graves — Captain Oveur
- Julie Hagerty — Elaine
- Robert Hays — Ted Striker
- Leslie Nielsen — Dr. Rumack
- Lorna Patterson — Randy
- Robert Stack — Kramer
- Stephen Stucker — Johnny
- Barbara Billingsley - Jive Lady