Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa
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On air. Under siege. Out of chat?
- Directed by Declan Lowney.
- I would've taken it off sooner but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child. Just passed his details on to the Social Services.
- Which is the worst monger? Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one.
- It's the near future. An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China, has left us without a sense of smell. In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?
- Never, never criticize Muslims! Only Christians. And Jews, a little bit.
- [about fistbumps] Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake. But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?
- [about a one-night stand] Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist. I'll tolerate one, but not both.
- Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I've had one panic attack in a car wash. It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife, and angry brushes whirring towards me. By the time the giant hair dryer came on, I was in the footwell.
- Oh, shit. This is the theme from Ski Sunday. Sorry for swearing.
- I've gotta say, Pat, kids don't make you happy. Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids. I remember... a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn. The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me," and... you know... I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes. When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole. Miserable.
- Michael. You look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.
- [pulled back into the building by a rope] I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off.
- That was a majestic voice. You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.
- I am siege face.
- I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn. I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media on a long-term basis for cash. It's a very different thing.
- Oh. Hello, Mister Seagull. Have you come to take my spirit away? Go, gull! Gull... gull... gull.
Michael the Geordie
- I'm really sorry. I done a shit in the box.
- Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance and I'm not wearing a seatbelt. What are you going to do about it this time?
- It was jingle genocide.
- [frantically, to police] Have you got any scissors? Have you got any scissors?
- Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er... actually realizing I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed. No, I am joking, obviously, but er... they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed.
- Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes. Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old er... luminous green bile.
- Jason Cresswell: So, are you on your way out?
- Pat Farrell: You tell me.
- Alan Partridge: Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.
- Lynn Benfield: How does he...
- Alan Partridge: He steals it from a pub.
- Lynn Benfield: Oh.
- Alan Partridge: That's a relief. Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week.
- Alan Partridge: No-one's getting sacked. It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.
- Pat Farrell: He was in bits!
- Alan Partridge: Yeah. It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice. He didn't even know them.
- Pat Farrell: Yeah, but where is he now?
- Angela Ashbourne: He runs his own business.
- Alan Partridge: There. He's back on his feet.
- Angela Ashbourne: Rents out bouncy castles.
- Alan Partridge: [turning, concerned] For adults, yeah?
- Jason Cresswell: Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.
- Alan Partridge: I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant, which is interesting, because there's one in this room.
- Jason Cresswell: All I need to know is can you handle it?
- Alan Partridge: Well, er... Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing, realized he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway?
- Jason Cresswell: Why?
- Alan Partridge: You're looking at him.
- Pat Farrell: Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s?
- Alan Partridge: I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did.
- Pat Farrell: Penny for them.
- Alan Partridge: Keep the penny, you've got a gun. But, yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover towing a speed boat.
- Pat Farrell: I used to dream about growing old with someone I love.
- Alan Partridge: Hm. Both valid.
- [Pat is showing Alan and Simon a picture of his wife]
- Pat Farrell: A year after that was taken, the angels took her.
- Sidekick Simon: Must have been a few of them...
- Jason Cresswell: Seriously, did you give her one?
- Alan Partridge: Well, I... I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry. Hand on the outside of the bra. Er... you know, reconnaissance. And then I just held her in my arms because told me she never knew her mother, and I said, "Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age. But guess what? I never really knew her." Erm... and... To get back on track, erm...
- Jason Cresswell: Never take your eye off the ball, Pat. First rule of business. Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity when it arises, like I was just then. Yeah. Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian. You're a runt.
- Pat Farrell: Is that what you think, Alan?
- Alan Partridge: I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words. Well, I think... I think... The sort of the gist of what, you know...
- Pat Farrell: I just don't like bullies.
- Pat Farrell: These are my listeners, Alan, ordinary working people.
- Alan Partridge: They're not working, it's the middle of the day. Unless they're on flexi-time.
- Steve Coogan - Alan Gordon Partridge
- Felicity Montagu - Lynn Benfield
- Simon Greenall - Michael the Geordie
- Colm Meaney - Pat Farrell
- Sean Pertwee - SFO Steve Stubbs
- Anna Maxwell Martin - CC Janet Whitehead
- Darren Boyd - Martin Fitch
- Nigel Lindsay - Jason Cresswell
- Monica Dolan - Angela Ashbourne
- Tim Key - "Sidekick" Simon Denton
- Phil Cornwell - Dave Clifton