Alexander Radcliffe (writer)

Alexander Radcliffe (c. 1653 – in or before 1696) was an English poet.

The Ramble, &c. (1682)

The Ramble, an Anti-Heroick Poem: Together With Some Terrestrial Hymns and Carnal Ejaculations (1682)

• To what intent or purpose was Man made,
  Who is by birth to misery betrayed?
  Man in his tedious course of life runs through
  More plagues than all the Land of Egypt knew.
  Doctors, divines, grave disputations, puns,
  Ill-looking citizens and scurvy duns;
  Insipid squires, fat bishops, deans and chapters,
  Enthusiasts, prophecies, new rants and raptures;
  Pox, gout, catarrhs, old sores, cramps, rheums and aches;
  Half-witted lords, double-chinned bawds with patches;
  Illiterate courtiers, Chancery suits for life,
  A teazing whore, and a more tedious wife;
  Raw Inns of Court men, empty fops, buffoons,
  Bullies, robust round aldermen, and clowns;
  Gown-men which argue, and discuss, and prate,
  And vent dull notions of a future state;
  Sure of another world, yet do not know
  Whether they shall be saved, or damned, or how.
    ’Twere better then that Man had never been,
  Than thus to be perplexed: God save the Queen.
  • "As Concerning Man"

• Fondling forbear, ’tis Heresy to think
  There is a Mistress equal to thy Drink;
  Or if in love with any, ’t must be rather
  With that plump Girl that does call Bacchus Father.
  Thou mayst out-look, arm’d with her warm embrace,
  Ten thousand Volleys shot from Woman’s Face,
  Who wou’d withstand without this Aid Divine
  Ten thousand times as many Tears of thine;
  As many Sighs and Prayers would be her sport,
  Exalted she so long maintains her Fort.
  But when Diviner Sack hath fir’d thy Blood,
  Creating Flames which cannot be withstood;
  To which is added Confidence as great
  As his, that aim’d at Jove’s Celestial Seat;
  Boldly march on, not granting her the leisure
  Of Parly; ’tis the Speed augments the Pleasure.
  If she cry out, with Kisses stop her Breath;
  She cannot wish to die a better Death.
  Tell her the pleasant passages between
  The God of War and Love’s more gentle Queen.
  When feeble Vulcan came, and in a fear
  Lest they wou’d not continue longer there,
  He chain’d ’em to the sport, with an intent
  To keep such Lovers for a Precedent;
  Glad to behold a tempting pleasure that
  His weak Endeavours never could create.
  Then stroke her Breasts those Mountains of Delight,
  Whose very Touch would fire an Anchorite.
  Next let thy wanton Palm a little stray,
  And dip thy Fingers in the Milky Way:
  Thus having raiz’d her, gently let her fall,
  Love’s Trumpets sound, Now Mortal have at all.
  A happy end thus made of all your sport,
  Lead her where every Lover shou’d resort,
  Where Madam Sack’s enthron’d, the tempting’st Lass
  That e’er was seated in a Venice Glass.
  Last, that this sense of Pleasure may remain,
  Cast away Thought and fall to Drink again.
  Drink off the Glasses, swallow every Bowl,
  And pity him that sighs away his Soul
  For that poor trifle Woman, who is mine
  With one small Gallon of Immortal Wine.
  To get a Mistress Drinking is the knack;
  Love’s grand existence is Almighty Sack.
  • "The Canary Mistress"