[to Elyse and Stifler] Let me see if I have this straight. Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock who wears his penis on his forehead just to gain the approval of his sociopathic older brother. And Matt, you think Elyse is an uptight, geeky prude who needs to, uh, loosen up a bit and get laid. [To Elyse] Excuse the expression, dear. Is that close to being on the money?
We didn't have MTV when I was growing up. So maybe it's the overstimulated times that we live in that causes young men to stick their... instruments in such... odd places. I knew a certain young man once who actually engaged in sexual congress with an apple pie, and he turned out just fine. So, uhh... you're perfectly normal.
You know you're like your brother Steve? And I don't think those are the shoes you should be so eager to fill. You know the people Steve thought were his friends? Really didn't like him very much. But I think you're different. I think people wanna like you, Matt, you just make it really hard.
Oz's brother: Hey, Stifler, how come Steve's got all the talent in your family?
Stifler: Bite me, fuzz face.
Kevin's brother: Come on, man, you're missing it.
Stifler: I've seen it a million times, you funky nose booger.
Oz's brother: Matt, Stever is like a film making genius. A true American hero.
Kevin's brother: The Tarantino of titties!
Oz's brother: Yeah, there's just no way you come be this good.
Stifler: Hey, look, I'm gonna prove to Steve that i'm up to the standards of the Stiffmeister Productions.
Brandon's friend 1: Are you a rookie? You look lost.
Matt Stifler: Are you an asshole? You're hairy and you smell like shit!
Brandon Vandecamp: I'll, uh... I'll ignore that kind of talk. Once. We don't speak that way here. Rookies are to wear their beanies at all times. Those are the rules.
Matt Stiffler: And who made you the Mayor of Geektown?
Brandon Vandecamp: I'm Brandon Vandecamp. Senior Drum Major of Beechwood Academy, and the President of the Tall Oaks Council.
Matt Stifler: Oh? And who are they, Mr. President? The First Lady and Vice Pussy?
[Brandon places Matt's beanie on the end of his drum staff, and puts the beanie on Matt's head.]
Brandon Vandecamp: Suits you well.
Matt Stifler: [Sarcastic] Golly jeepers, thanks. And hey! Since I'm an official band geek and all, can you guess what my favorite piece of music is?
Brandon Vandecamp: I have no idea.
Matt Stifler: The nutcracker.
Matt Stifler: Look, I wanna know all the stuff that goes on at night here. Naked pillow fights, whatever!
Ernie Kaplowitz: Do I look like the guy in charge of the naked pillow fights? Huh? This is my first year here. You see the beanie?
[Brandon Vandecamp and Mr. Nelson enter the mess hall]
Brandon Vandecamp: Yes. Yes, I do. But where's yours, Stifler? Let's see- no standard issue t-shirt and no beanie. I believe that's two points from Great Falls, Mr. Nelson!
Matt Stifler: Tell you what, Vandercramp. How about I take his beanie [takes Ernie's beanie] and put it on my weenie? [Stuffs the beanie down his pants] How's that, Vandercramp? It's on my head, right?
[Brandon rolls his eyes and looks at Mr. Nelson]
Mr. Nelson: Make it five points from Great Falls!
[Elyse has accidentally hit Matt with a trumpet, causing Matt to bite his tongue; Brandon walks over to them.]
Brandon Vandecamp: In today's episode: wasting time on lost causes. Speaking of which, I understand you composed the music to your show, Elyse. If you... call that music.
Elyse: Yeah, that's right. I did. And who'd your daddy hire to compose yours?
Brandon Vandecamp: I'm just giving you fair warning, cupcake. The Robard's Scholarship- is mine.
Elyse: Like you need it.
Brandon Vandecamp: Oh, it's not a matter of need, it's a matter of want. Yeah... I get what I want.
Matt Stifler: Why don't you shut the fu' uhh?
Brandon Vandecamp: [Amused] Oh, what're you gonna do?
Matt Stifler: Kick your ath!
Brandon Vandecamp: Are you challenging me?
[Matt argues yes while Elyse argues no; Brandon turns to Mr. Nelson and the Beechwood Academy band practicing in the background]
Brandon Vandecamp: It's been three years since I've been challenged!
[Knowing what the challenge means, Mr. Nelson and the band cheer; Brandon looks back to Elyse and Matt.]
Brandon Vandecamp: I look forward to reminding people why.
[Matt leaves the infirmary]
Elyse: Are you okay?
Matt Stifler: Yeah.
Elyse: I'm so drunk right now... I'm probably gonna forget about you... porkin' an oboe! [Bursts out laughing]