Are You Being Served?

Are You Being Served? ("AYBS") was a British sitcom broadcast from 1972 to 1985. In all 69 episodes were televised and also included one motion picture with the same title. In 1992, many of the main characters were reprised in a sequel, Grace & Favour (US: Are You Being Served, Again?).

Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

[First lines. The opening shot is in the gents department at Grace Brothers Department Store. The camera travels across to the lift on the right. The lift doors open with two women inside, Mrs. Betty Slocombe and Miss Shirley Brahms]

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, is that the best you can do, Miss Brahms?

Miss Brahms: Well it's not my job, is it? I'll try again. (Presses a button and the lift doors close, but the lift itself malfunctions)

Mrs Slocombe: (from inside the lift) Oh, really.

[The doors open again and the two ladies realise they are in the same position]

Miss Brahms: Look, the girl who operates the lifts should be here to help us with the move.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, never mind, come along. (Jumps down from the lift and Miss Brahms gives her the garment rack they have taken to the floor) Oh, Miss Brahms. Pull your skirt down.

Miss Brahms: But we're not open.

Mrs Slocombe: That may be, but now that we're sharing our department with gents outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.

[But then, Mrs. Slocombe pulls the garment rack into a trolley which is being pushed by Mr. Mash, a maintenance man who works at Grace Brothers]

Mr Mash: Cor blimey! Women drivers.

Mrs Slocombe: That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.

Mr Mash: Middle-class cow! (Mrs. Slocombe glares at him as he pushes his trolley to the gents counter which is being manned by Mr. Humphries)

Mr Humphries: Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?

Mr Mash: All that woman's lib's gone to her head, mate!

Mr Humphries: Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade.

Mr Mash: Women's department. Who ever heard of a women's department on this floor? It's been men's ever since I was a boy.

Mr Humphries: That Mrs. Pankhurst's really started something.

Mr Mash: Well what are you gonna do about it, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries: Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.

Mr Mash: Eh? Kinky.

[Mr. Lucas is busy cleaning the dummy lady's shoe when somebody in black shoes approaches him]

Captain Peacock: Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas: (stands up) Oh, sorry.

[We see that the man in black shoes is Captain Stephen Peacock, the floorwalker]

Captain Peacock: Am I to understand that you have deserted gentlemen's ready made in favour of the ladies?

Mr Lucas: Well I'm just giving a helping hand, sir.

Captain Peacock: Well I'm glad to see that the arrival of the ladies in your territory hasn't caused any bad blood.

Mr Lucas: Oh no, not from me Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock: Mmmm. One wonders whether the arrival of, er, gentlemen's shoes, for instance, would have been treated with the same enthusiasm.

Mrs Slocombe: Mr. Lucas is doing his best to make us feel at home, Captain Peacock, which is more than can be said for the rest of the department.

Captain Peacock: Well just a passing phase, Mrs. Slocombe. With your personality, I'm sure you could charm the very birds off the trees.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, oh I wouldn't say that.

Mr Lucas: Neither would I.

Captain Peacock: And, Lucas, while you're down there, straighten those seams. I hate to see crooked seams.

Mr Lucas: Yes, Mr. Peacock.

Captain Peacock: Hm?

Mr Lucas: Captain Peacock. (Salutes to Captain Peacock and then gets back to work, but he accidentally touches the legs of Mrs. Slocombe)

Mrs Slocombe: No!

Mr Lucas: I'm-I'm sorry, Mrs. Slocombe, Captain Peacock told me to do it. I mean straighten them, I mean. Not yours, the dummies.

Mr Humphries: Griffin wants you.

Mr Lucas: Yes thank you. (to Mrs. Slocombe) I'm so sorry.

Captain Peacock: Tie, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas: Ah, yes, of course, Captain Peacock. Anything in particular, sir?

Captain Peacock: Straighten your tie, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas: [understanding what Captain Peacock was referring to] Oh. Yes, sir.

Captain Peacock: One pencil is sufficient.

Mr Lucas: Uh, yes, Captain Peacock. Shall I keep the HB or the special soft?

Captain Peacock: If you were troubled to read the memo from the accounts department, you would know that they prefer ball points. Correct, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries: Ball points, Captain Peacock.

Mr Lucas: Actually, I did have a ball point, but I was always getting ticked off, because then I'd-I-I kept getting blue streaks on me white handkerchief, you see.

Captain Peacock: Well, possibly... a retractable pen would solve your problems?

Mr Lucas: Oh, that's very nice, sir.

Captain Peacock: You can get them from the stationery. You get a staff discount.

Mr Lucas: Yes, sir.

Captain Peacock: And by the way, about that handkerchief... may I show you how we do it at Grace Brothers? We don't just, uh... take it from the laundry, fold it, and stuff it in.

Mr Lucas: Don't we?

Captain Peacock: NO.

Mr Lucas: What do we do? Oh, excuse me...

Captain Peacock: Don't interrupt. We place it, so. We then take it in the middle, like so. We flute it, so. We bend it over the bottom, so... and tuck it back, so. The effect is casual but smart.

Mr Lucas: It sets the pen off nicely, too.

Dear Sexy Knickers [1.2]

Mrs Slocombe: Why anyone would want to buy a women's magazine with a centerfold of a nude man is beyond me.

Miss Brahms: Well, I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.

Mrs Slocombe: Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.

[Captain Peacock picks up the note in front of the ladies' counter]

Mr Humphries: (from the mens' counter) He's picked it up.

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe: (going to her counter) At the moment, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I mentioned your complaint to, uh, Mr. Granger, And he, on his part, also made a complaint, about the view of the ladies fitting room, from his department.

Mrs Slocombe: What was he complaining about? That he could see, or he couldn't?

Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I, I don't think he's quite as broadminded, as we are. (Gives the note to Mrs. Slocombe) Oh, do something about that, will you? (Goes back to the middle of the floor)

Miss Brahms: What have you got there?

Mrs Slocombe: It's a bit of paper. Captain Peacock gave it to me. (Opens up the note) Ooh, it's a note! Pass me glasses, Miss Brahms. (Miss Brahms gives her some glasses and Mrs. Slocombe starts reading the note) "Dear Sexy Knickers, I don't half-fancy you. Meet me outside at 5:30, and we'll get it together." Get what, well, really?

Miss Brahms: I didn't think you had sexy knickers.

Mrs Slocombe: As a matter of fact, they're Directoire. Some men get quite worked up about them, you know.

Miss Brahms: [On telephone, thinking she's speaking with Peacock] If I have anymore of your ol' guff, I'll have you on the carpet.

Mr Grainger: [Hanging up, dumbstruck] Some lady wants to have me on the carpet.

Captain Peacock: Yes, I shall find out who wrote this. And you know me, Mrs. Slocombe, I don't rest, until I get to the bottom of things.

Mr Humphries: Glass of water, glass of water for Mr. Granger.

Mr Lucas: But he hasn't asked for a glass of water.

Mr Humphries: He will!

Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Grainger: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries: Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock: Is Mr. Lucas free?

Mr Humphries: I think he's going to be free for a very long time.

Captain Peacock: Now, Lucas. Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written. (Reads the note thrown by Mr. Lucas to Miss Brahms) "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half-past five and we'll get it together." (Mr. Lucas drinks a glass of water) Now then, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each one of you if you wrote this note. (to Mr. Grainger) Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?

Mr Grainger: I don't even understand it!

Mr Humphries: Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers", you'd say, "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?

Mr Grainger: I very much doubt it.

Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?

Mr Humphries: No, but thanks for the compliment.

Captain Peacock: Well, in view of those two denials, I can come to only one conclusion.

Mr Lucas: Shall I leave now or work till 5:30.

Captain Peacock: Yes, well, we'll leave the matter of your future in abeyance. What you will do is apologise to the ladies department for the distress you have caused.

Mr Lucas: Now?

Captain Peacock: Yes, now!

Mr Grainger: Yes, now!

Mr Humphries: Well, you came out of that very well.

Mr Lucas: But, at least it gives me a chance to get over there, and chat Shirley up, and ask her out.

Mr Humphries: If you fell in the dark, you'd come up with coal.

[Mr Lucas walks over to the the ladies department and pulls a funny face]

Mr Lucas: Are you free, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe: At the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas: I'm... I'm afraid I've, I've been a bit of a naughty boy, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe: Have you, Mr. Lucas? What have you been up to?

Mr Lucas: Well, you know that note that you thought came from Captain Peacock?

Mrs Slocombe: Yes.

Mr Lucas: Well, it was from me.

Mrs Slocombe: Well, I should've guessed all the time, shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas: What?

Mrs Slocombe: I've seen the way you've been looking at me!

Mr Lucas: What?

Mrs Slocombe: (in a sexy voice) But you're a very naughty boy, sending notes. You should've come across in the open and come out with it!

Mr Lucas: Should I?

Mrs Slocombe: You shouldn't be so shy. (in a sexy voice) You know, you're more attractive than you think.

Mr Lucas: Am I?

Mrs Slocombe: (checking her watch) Ooh, it's 5:30. Well, I'll just put my hat on and meet you outside! (in a sexy voice) Mind you, I'm not promising anything.

Our Figures Are Slipping [1.3]

[Lucas inviting Miss Brahms to the movies]

Miss Brahms: What's on?

Mr Lucas: Well, there's Bambi in Studio Two, then around the corner there's The Unsatisfied Virgin... I've seen Bambi.

Mr Rumbold: I always think there is a reason for poor performance. Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman. And you don't look happy, Mr Lucas. I think if you could smile more, that would help.

Mr Lucas: Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Mr Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold: Well, there must be a reason. Are you, um... And I don't wish to pry, but are you, um... Are you unhappy at home?

Mr Lucas: Ah... Yes! That could very well be it, yes!

Mr Rumbold: Now we're getting somewhere, sit down and tell me about it.

Mr Lucas: Thank you, yes. [Sits at Rumbold's desk. Rumbold sits in the chair opposite) It's my environment you see, sir. You see, I've only got this one shabby little room.

Mr Rumbold: In Highgate, isn't it?

Mr Lucas: Yes, yes, very poor part of Highgate mind, I mean... And ever since we took in that Asian to help make ends meet, well... The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up her job at the skating rink. Taking the tickets.

Mr Rumbold: I had no idea!

Mr Lucas: Yes... Well... [Pretending to hold back tears] What with that, and the fact that the... The cat's got asthma and has been coughing all night. What with all that and also the fact that we have to cook on a broken old gas ring, well... There are days when somehow, life seems to have lost its magic. And particularly since we had an eviction note this morning! But as you suggest, Mr Rumbold, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.

Mr Rumbold: [Blows nose] This really is a terrible story!

Mr Lucas: [Surprised] Is it?!

Camping In [1.4]

Mrs Slocombe: Yes well, I met my husband in a German air raid. His face was lit from an incoming incendiary. He threw me flat on me face and said: "Look out, here comes a big one!".

Mr Lucas: They didn't have much time for chatting in those days.

[Mr Mash brings round pyjamas]

Mr Mash: There we are Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms: Oh, no thank you, I don't wear them. I don't like the rough material on my skin.

Mrs Slocombe: You will wear pyjamas tonight, Miss Brahms! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?

Miss Brahms: Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!

His and Hers [1.5]

Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend [1.6]

Season 2

The Clock [2.1]

[Captain Peacock arrives in the lift wearing a suit and bow tie]

Mr Mash: Captain Stephen Peacock, RASC, C of E, hero of the Battle of Catterick NAAFI, holder of the Hot Cross Bun and Bar....

Captain Peacock: That will do, Mr. Mash. (Mr. Mash gives him a glass)

Mr Mash: Here you are, Captain.

Captain Peacock: Thank you.

Mr Mash: Hey, take it easy. We ain't got no reserves.

[Madame Trixie introduces herself to Captain Peacock and Mr. Rumbold]

Madame Trixie: Good evening, I am Madame Trixie, and this is the Trixie trio.

Mr Rumbold: Welcome to Grace Brothers.

Madame Trixie: Ooh, champagne!

Mr Mash: Beer for the band's behind the piano. (Walks away)

Madame Trixie: Where do you want the orchestra?

Mr Rumbold: Uh, well over here, ladies, I think. By the, er, pianoforte.

Mrs Slocombe: [Drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks as though we're going to be able to trip the tight lanfastic...

Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?!

Mr Humphries: She wants you to rip her tight elastic.

Captain Peacock: Perhaps you'd better sit down, Mrs. Slocombe, we're starting in less than an hour.

[Young Mr. Grace arrives in the left lift]

Captain Peacock: It's young Mr. Grace.

Mrs Grainger: Is that Young Mr. Grace?

Mr Grainger: Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about much.

Mr Rumbold: Good evening, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace: I hope I'm not too late.

Captain Peacock: No you're not too late, Mr. Grace.

Mr Lucas: Nah, there's still plenty of cabinet pudding left, Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock: I suppose he's come to hand over the clock.

Mr Rumbold: Yes, just in time. (Goes over to Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas) Ahem...

Mr Humphries: (Stands up) Ahem...

[Mr. Lucas stands up while Mr. Rumbold and Mr. Humphries sit down. Mr. Lucas goes to the counter, picks up something and sits on it]

Mr Rumbold: Shall I continue, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace: Oh, please do, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold: Well, I was about to remark how very much we appreciate the long years of devoted service, the great consideration that you've always shown for all those with whom you have worked.

Mr Grainger: Thank you.

Young Mr Grace: Thank you.

Mr Rumbold: We... We feel... We definitely feel that after all these long years, you have truly earned a rest. And therefore all that remains... (Picks up the cuckoo clock) ...is for this to be presented. (Gives the clock to Young Mr. Grace) Here you are, sir.

Young Mr Grace: Oh, thank you. This is a surprise. How very nice of you all. I've given a lot of these away, but I've never got one. Well my doctor says I shouldn't be out, so I'm now going. (to Mr. Grainger) Another five years, and you'll be getting one of those, Ernest. (to the rest of the staff) Well, goodbye, all.

Staff: Goodbye, Mr. Grace.

Young Mr Grace: You've all done very well.

Staff: Thank you, Mr. Grace.

[As Young Mr. Grace leaves, the staff sit back down at the table]

Captain Peacock: Well, Ernest, it looks as if you're staying on.

Mr Grainger: Yes, it does. Of course, I'm very happy about it, but I - I should have liked a bit more leisure. (Turns to Mr. Rumbold) Could I have Monday off?

Mr Rumbold: Certainly not.

Mr Lucas: Well if he's not leaving, he won't be needing his presents, will he? (Takes a present away)

[Mr. Mash arrives with a big cake]

Mr Mash: For...

Staff: (sing together) He's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow... and so say all of us!

Cold Comfort [2.2]

The Think Tank [2.3]

Big Brother [2.4]

Hoorah for the Holidays [2.5]

[Captain Peacock is showing the ladies some photographs in the ladies department]

Captain Peacock: These were taken on my holiday last year.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, doesn't it look hot?

Captain Peacock: Oh you're right, yes. Yes, that's the worst of the desert.

Miss Brahms: Doesn't Mrs. Peacock look well?

Captain Peacock: Yes, she does, yes. We went back to Bessamachu, where we scored our first big victory.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, that was where you had your honeymoon.

Captain Peacock: No. No, that was where... That was where we pushed Rommel back. Yes, I was dug in at this very spot for about seven whole days. It's a motel now, you know. Oh it was absolute hell, you know. The heat, the sun, flies, the sandstorms, the monotonous food.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh what you poor boys must have suffered.

Captain Peacock: No, that was last year at the motel.

[Mr Rumbold arrives]

Mr Rumbold: Hope I'm not interrupting anything, Captain Peacock.

Miss Brahms: No, he's just showing us his holiday pictures.

Mr Rumbold: Well, perhaps we could look at those after the store closes. Now, I'd like a word with everybody if you could get them to gather round.

Captain Peacock: Yes, of course, sir.

Season 3

The Hand of Fate [3.1]

Mrs Slocombe: What is it, Mr. Mash?

Mr Mash: Did you put in an order for twenty-seven galvanised buckets?

Mrs Slocombe: And what would I be doing in Ladies' department with twenty-seven galvanised buckets? This is the Ladies' department, not a farmyard!

Mr Mash: We could be milking a jersey.

Mr Grainger: [About customer] He's looking for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.

Mr Humphries: Aren't we all?

Coffee Morning [3.2]

[Miss Brahms is measuring Mrs. Slocombe's waist]

Miss Brahms: You ready?

Mrs Slocombe: No, no I can nip it in a bit more yet. [Breathes in] Now! [Brahms checks tape measure] What is it?

Miss Brahms: 77

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, don't it sound a lot in metric?

Miss Brahms: Yes, well you've put on four whatever-they-ares.

Mrs Slocombe: Centipedes, Miss Brahms.

Up Captain Peacock [3.3]

Cold Store [3.4]

Mr Humphries: You're probably wondering why I'm walking like this, Captain Peacock; I've done my back in.

Captain Peacock: I hadn't noticed any difference.

Sister: [Taking Mr Lucas' temperature] You're normal.

Mr Humphries: Yes, but we're working on it!

Wedding Bells [3.5]

Mrs Slocombe: There's a naked man in there, in his underpants!

Mr Humphries: That's nothing Mrs. Slocombe, you wait till the honeymoon!

German Week [3.6]

Mrs Slocombe: [Drunk, about Mr. Rumbold] Oooh, twiddle his knob someone, he's out of focus!

Miss Brahms: Well it's either that or take him with me mum's washings to the launderette.

Mr Lucas: I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear there than I have of yours.

Young Mr Grace: Well I'll be one tight long, I always go to the club on Tuesday evening.

Mr Rumbold: Oh, oh yes, the Bridge Club.

Young Mr Grace: No, no, no, the strip club.

Mrs Slocombe: Some of us have long memories, you know – I haven't forgotten being flung flat on me back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible!

Mr Lucas: All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.

[On having to stay for a meeting after working hours]

Mrs Slocombe: "You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt."

Mr Grainger: I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.

Mr Humphries: Oh, it's treats!

Mr Grainger: Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often.

Mr Lucas: Having a bath with Mrs. Grainger, are you?

Mr Grainger: I don't find that amusing!

Mr Lucas: Come to think of it, neither would I.

Mrs Slocombe: You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola."

Miss Brahms: Gorgonzola isn't German!

Mrs Slocombe: Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!

Mr Lucas: Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German for "cuff links" is.

Mr Humphries: What?

Mr Lucas: Manschettenknopf.

Mr Humphries: I don't expect they'll sell any with a name like that.

Mr Grainger: This is a funny name for a sweater: Mit die Hände gewaschen. ^[sic]

Captain Peacock: That means: Wash by hand.

Mr Lucas: It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock: I had to study it during the war, you know.

Mr Mash: Ausfahrt.

Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?

Mr Mash: Ausfahrt. What's that mean, then?

Captain Peacock: The way out, Mr. Mash, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.

Mrs Slocombe: I'm not selling German Sex Knickers.

Captain Peacock: Sechs is just the German word for six.

Miss Brahms: What do they use for sex?

Mr Mash: Same as they use everywhere else.

Mr Mash: Here you are Mrs. Slocombe, twelve bras.

Mrs Slocombe: I wonder what the German is for them... Bustenhalter? [Brahms pulls out a very large bra] Blimey, whatever size is that?

Miss Brahms: It says here clean.

Captain Peacock: Klein Miss Brahms, it means small.

Mrs Slocombe: They're well built, those German girls.

Shoulder to Shoulder [3.7]

Mr Rumbold: Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?"

Miss Thorpe: You mean the one marked "Decoration"?

Mr Rumbold: Yes.

Miss Thorpe: I filed it yesterday under "A".

Mr Rumbold: Under "A"?

Miss Thorpe: Yes, I file most things under "A".

Mr Rumbold: I don't quite follow.

Miss Thorpe: Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.

Captain Peacock: A very difficult way of finding anything.

[To telephone customer]

Mr Humphries: We'll do your inside leg. [Aside, to Lucas] This should be fun.

Mr Lucas: You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.

[Captain Peacock beckons Mrs. Slocombe with a wave]

Mrs Slocombe: I do not respond to waves."

Miss Brahms: What about that man you met on your holiday?

Mrs Slocombe: Ah, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!

[Lucas has just made a cheeky remark to Slocombe]

Mrs Slocombe: Captain Peacock, would you use your senior position to tell Mr. Lucas to shut his cake hole?!

Captain Peacock: Mr. Lucas, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace Brothers.

Mr Humphries: That's one of the qualifications.

Mr Lucas: You nearly got me the sack then.

Mrs Slocombe: You should have been put in one at birth.

Mr Humphries: This sweater is half man-made wool, half polyester fiber.

Newlywed Male Customer: Surely that's man-made as well.

Mr Humphries: Ah, yes, but it's made by different men.

Newlywed Male Customer: Shall I or shan't I? Should I or shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas: Is he or isn't he?

Mr Humphries: I don't know, but I'd think it'd help if there was a rush.

[Mrs Slocombe needs to pad out a bra on a male dummy]

Mr Lucas: Mrs. Slocombe wants to know if she can borrow a couple of pairs of socks to stuff down her bra.

Mr Humphries: She's not going to talk to those workmen again, is she?

New Look [3.8]

Mrs Slocombe: It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know. My pussy got soaking wet. I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left!

Mr Rumbold: Perhaps you'd like to open the box?

Mr Lucas: Or will you take the money?

Mr Rumbold: These aspirins don't seem to be doing any good at all.

Mr Humphries: Perhaps you need an icepack?

Mrs Slocombe: How about having a woman?

Mr Lucas: No, I think he's better to stick to the aspirins.

Christmas Crackers [3.9]

Season 4

No Sale [4.1]

[The management has pushed back opening time and the staff are being purposely rude to customers in an effort to lower daily sales and call off the new hours of operation]

Mr Grainger: [To customer] And that's because you've got a fat face, piggy eyes, and a... a pimple, on your nose. [Turns to Humphries and Lucas] You young salesmen just don't know how not to sell clothes.

Mr Humphries: [To his mother, on the phone] If a man rings up with a Scottish accent, you're the cleaner and you've never heard of me. No, I don't owe him any money...I don't owe him anything. What do you mean there's someone coming up the garden path in a kilt? Well, look, lock the door and hide in the cupboard. I'll phone you before I leave here. Whatever you do, don't open the door unless it's a young policeman carrying a rolled umbrella. And if I can borrow a helmet from the toy department, that'll be me."

Top Hat and Tails [4.2]

Forward Mr. Grainger [4.3]

Fire Practice [4.4]

[The two are counting out wads of money left behind by wealthy Arab gentlemen during a fire alarm.]

Mr Humphries & Mr Lucas: One for them and one for us, one for them and one for us, one for them and one for us. [Arab man holds up knife threateningly] All for them and none for us, all for them and none for us.

Fifty Years On [4.5]

Mr Rumbold: Let's see how that sounds. Happy birthday, dear Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.

Mr Lucas: Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.

Captain Peacock: "What are we going to sing now? Uh, Uh-Uh, Uh-Uh-Uh or Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh?"

Mr Rumbold: Uh...

Mr Lucas: I'll settle for that.

Mr Rumbold: No, we'll have two Uhs.

Mr Grainger: I entirely agree! To Uh-Uh is human.

Oh What a Tangled Web [4.6]

[Mrs. Peacock cries when she sees Mr. Rumbold's secretary, whom she believes has been having an affair with her husband]

Mrs Slocombe: I notice she didn't cry like that when she thought it was me.

Mr Lucas: Funny that...

The Father Christmas Affair [4.7]

[Mr. Harman arrives on the floor with a new display unit]

Mr Harman: (singing) Rollin' round the world, looking for the sunshine. Everybody shines. (stops singing and talks to the staff) Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the CDU.

Mr Grainger: CDU?

Staff: The Christmas Display Unit.

Mr Rumbold: Grace Brothers is purchasing one for each department.

[Mr Harman unveils the Christmas Display Unit which is a model of Father Christmas]

Mr Lucas: What a lovely thought. I bet there's a diesel-powered radio to go with it. Next Christmas, they'll have us all replaced by robots. I can see it now, you know, a remote control Grainger with a bionic truss... (Mr. Grainger looks at him) ...a gas-filled Mrs. Slocombe...

Mrs Slocombe: And a special switch for Mr. Lucas to shut his atomic cake hole.

Captain Peacock: May we inquire exactly what its function is?

Mr Rumbold: Yes well, the specification says that it utters a Christmas phrase in a deep, avuncular voice, and opens its arms in a friendly, welcoming fashion.

Mrs Slocombe: That'll be nice.

Miss Brahms: Can I ask a question?

Mr Rumbold: Yes, of course. (Takes his glasses off) I realise it is all rather technical for the average mind to grasp, but I'll do my best. What is it?

Miss Brahms: What does 'avuncular' mean?

Mr Rumbold: (putting his glasses back on) Well it means like a sort of...

Captain Peacock: Like an uncle.

Miss Brahms: But he looks nothing like my uncle.

Mr Lucas: Looks a bit like my Auntie Ethel, only her beard's a bit longer.

Mr Rumbold: Yes well I won't ask if there are any more questions.

Captain Peacock: (to Mr. Harman) Can we see it work?

Mr Rumbold: Yes, all we need is 50p.

Mr Harman: Oh, here. Be my guest, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr Rumbold: No call for you to provide it, Mr. Harman.

Mr Harman: Oh, think nothing of it. I've got the key to the money box. (Places a coin in the money box)

Father Christmas Model: Ho, Ho, Ho, little boy, have I got a surprise for you.

Mr Harman: Yeah, well you see, there should be a brand tub in front where the little ones put their sticky little mitts and they bring out a manificent plastic present made in Hong Kong.

Mr Lucas: Worth about fourpence.

Miss Brahms: 'Ere, I thought you said it opened its arms in a warm and friendly fashion.

Mr Harman: I think a little technical adjustment is required, if you will excuse me. (Adjusts the Christmas Display Unit and then turns to Mr. Rumbold) Shall I try again sir?

Mr Rumbold: Yes please.

[Mr. Harman places a coin in the money box, which starts the Christmas Display Unit]

Father Christmas Model: Ho, Ho, Ho, little boy, have I got a surprise for you. (Opens its arms, taking the red coat with it, revealing the naked dummy body, and then conceals it again)

Mrs. Slocombe: I wonder what that cost?

Mr Lucas: Why, do you want to buy one?

Mr Harman: Yeah, Well the sleeves has got stitched to the coat. I'll soon get that fixed.

[Mr. Humphries arrives]

Mr Humphries: Have I missed anything?

Mr Rumbold: Well there are one or two teething troubles, but I'm sure you'll soon get the gist of what we're trying to do. (to Mr. Harman) Show him, Mr. Harman. Uh, there are going to be one of these in each department for Christmas.

Father Christmas Model: Ho, Ho, Ho, little boy, have I got a surprise for you. (Opens its coat, revealing the naked dummy body)

[Mr. Humphries blinks repeatedly and faints, collapsing into Mr. Lucas' arms]

Season 5

Mrs. Slocombe Expects [5.1]

[Mrs. Slocombe arrives at the meeting, feeling frigid due to the blizzard]

Captain Peacock: Come along, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr Rumbold: What are you pointing at, Mrs. Slocombe?

Mrs Slocombe: Well, I did have an umbrella. But the wind blew it away.

Mr Humphries: Mrs. Slocombe, Mr. Rumbold would like to know why you're late.

Mrs Slocombe: (Taking off her winter coat) Well, the central heating broke down. I had to light the oven and hold my pussy in front of it. Poor little thing. Its tail had been hanging out of its basket all night long. It was frozen solid.

Captain Peacock: Coffee, Mrs. Slocombe. (Passes the tray of coffee to Mrs. Slocombe)

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, thank you. Oh no. I don't think I can face it. I've been feeling a bit queasy these past few mornin's.

Mr Lucas: Queasy? Nothing serious, I hope?

Mr Rumbold: Oh come on, we must get on. Now, we are here to discuss a suggestion made by young Mr. Grace at a senior sales management meeting. (Turns to Captain Peacock) Captain Peacock, you were there. Perhaps you would like to summarize the points raised.

Captain Peacock: I could've done that last night before we all went home.

Mr Rumbold: Yes, well I thought of that, but I didn't want to delay anybody, due to the weather conditions.

Miss Brahms: Yes, we saw you sneakin' out early, hoping no one would notice.

Captain Peacock: As I recall it, young Mr. Grace has been reading a paper about, um, sales psychology, and he's now very keen to take advantage of the herd instinct in our customers.

Mr Grainger: Well I haven't had any herds round my counter lately.

Captain Peacock: The theory is that a customer is more liable to - to buy something if he sees another customer doing the same thing.

Mr Lucas: You mean like the three card trick? One of the gang starts the bidding to get the other mugs to join in.

Mr Rumbold: Well, that's not quite how it was put.

Mr Grainger: What if nobody starts, will they just all stand there looking?

Captain Peacock: One of the assistants who is free pretends to be a customer and says complimentary things about the goods.

Mr Lucas: Like I said, one of the gang starts a bidding.

Mr Rumbold: The assistant should employ such phrases as, "I wish I could afford that!" and, "By jove, that's good value for money!" or, "I must have one of those before they're all snapped up!"

Mrs Slocombe: I've sat here and listened to some daft things in my time, but this is the daftest thing I've ever sat here and listened to.

Mr Rumbold: Nevertheless, young Mr. Grace is very keen on the idea, so we're going to give it a try.

Miss Brahms: And that's what we've all had to come in early for?

Mr Rumbold: Yes, well, we did think it would be as well to dream up some more encouraging phrases. So let's all put our thinking caps on, hm?

Mr Grainger: I've left the gas on.

Captain Peacock: I don't think you've quite grasped the idea, Mr. Grainger.

Mr Grainger: What idea?

Captain Peacock: Shall I explain to him again, sir?

Mr Rumbold: No.

Mr Humphries: Don't do that. Send him home to turn the gas off.

Mr Rumbold: Now, come along, I'm sure we can think of dozens of phrases. Let's go along the line. We'll have one from Miss Brahms.

Miss Brahms: Why me? Start at that end.

Mr Grainger: Oh well, it'll warm up the kitchen, perhaps.

Mr Rumbold: To what does that refer, Mr. Grainger?

Mr Humphries: He's still on about the gas.

Miss Brahms: Damn, there's none left.

Mr Rumbold: Now that's very good, Miss Brahms. "Damn, there's none left." You see, that gives the assistant a good chance to produce another one of whatever they are. (to Mrs. Slocombe) Mrs. Slocombe.

Mr Lucas: Hey, I got one for Mrs. Slocombe. "Fancy them making one of those in my size!"

Mrs Slocombe: Are we going to have much more of that, Mr. Lucas?

Mr Rumbold: Well now, that's very good Mrs. Slocombe, yes. You see, it gives the idea of urgency, in case the stocks should run out. (Turns to Captain Peacock) Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock: How thoughtful of Grace Brothers to leave the doors open, so that we, the customers, can actually get in to buy things.

Mr Rumbold: I take your point, Peacock. (Turns to Mr. Humphries) Uh, Mr. Humphries.

Mr Humphries: "By jove, fancy Grace Brothers being able to do them at that price. A full range of sizes in all those lovely colours. They're washable and durable. I bet they never wear out."

Mr Rumbold: Excellent, excellent, what is it?

Mr Humphries: I don't know, but if you've got one, I'll have it.

Mr Rumbold: Mr. Lucas.

Mr Lucas: "Look at that poor, handsome young assistant. I bet he's fair worn out, with gettin' up early and standing in the frozen snow. I bet he hasn't had a proper breakfast except for a cuppa coffee in a miserable paper cup. We must all buy something from him so he could afford a proper lunch. Then he'll have the strength to struggle home, fall exhausted into bed, and get up early in the morning and start the whole process all over again!"

Mr Rumbold: I'll see you in my office at 10 o'clock, Mr. Lucas.

A Change Is as Good as a Rest [5.2]

Mrs Slocombe: Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?

Captain Peacock: I'm told people prefer the real thing.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, how ridiculous! What is there to learn about toys? All you do is bounce them, cuddle them or turn them on!

Mr Lucas: Just like girls, really!

Mr Rumbold: I just wanted you to know that I'm doing my best to get Grainger reinstated, but I'm having trouble getting through to Mr. Grace.

Captain Peacock: Why, is his telephone out of order?

Mr Rumbold: No, his brain!

Founder's Day [5.3]

The Old Order Changes [5.4]

Mrs Slocombe: [About Miss Brahms, who is wearing a padded bra] You look like the Hunchfront of Notre Dame!

Take-over [5.5]

[The staff are in Mr. Rumbold's office, discussing the eponymous takeover]

Captain Peacock: Lallies and Willets [Polari for Legs and Breasts] – that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?

Mrs Slocombe: Never mind where they hang out, what's in it for us?

Mr Humphries:[Mr. Rumbold is suggesting which shareholders each person should impersonate]

Mr Rumbold: There's Jeffrey Longman. He is 28, broad-shouldered, 6 foot 2, blond haired, blue eyed, wealthy yacht owner.

Mr Humphries: Ooh, I like the sound of that!

Mr Lucas: You're not tall enough.

Mr Humphries: I know, I just like the sound of it.

Mr Rumbold: Oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder. [He's a] professional dancer.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, Mr. Humphries does a bit of dancing. Don't you, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries: Oh yes. The word "versatile" has been applied to me before. [Begins to dance]

Mr Rumbold: I must stop you; he's only got one leg. And he is from Nigeria. Could you play a one-legged, Nigerian tap-dancer?

Mr Humphries: Not with any degree of sincerity, no.

Captain Peacock: [To Humphries] One more insult from that man [Lucas] and these clothes are coming off!

Mr Humphries: Don't start distracting me now, I'm very busy!

Goodbye Mr. Grainger [5.6]

Mr Lucas: What are you talking about? Alexander the Great was only my age when he died and he was practically ruling the world.

Mr Humphries: Yes, but could he take an inside leg?

It Pays to Advertise [5.7]

[While making an advertisement, the microphone slips down the dress of Mrs Slocombe.]

Mr Lucas: It slipped right down, Mr Harman!

Mr Harman: Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...

[Mrs Slocombe and Captain Peacock attempt their lines but can't be heard over mic, as it has slipped all the way down to Mrs Slocombe's stomach.]

Miss Brahms: What if he shouted up her skirt?

Mrs Slocombe: [Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!

Season 6

By Appointment [6.1]

The Club [6.2]

Captain Peacock: [After viewing a sales model with rotating breasts] Excuse me Madam, I wonder if we could interest you in the new "Flexi-bra". However wayward your figure, the Flexi-bra will cling to it, and control it. [Shows her model]

Madam: I know all about them, thank you. In fact, I wear one. [Opens coat to reveal her breasts rotating like the models]

Sir: And I have the matching pants. [Turns to reveal his buttocks rotating in the same fashion]

Mr Humphries: [Faints, collapsing into Lucas' arms]

Do You Take This Man? [6.3]

Shedding the Load [6.4]

A Bliss Girl [6.5]

[Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas are at their counter sorting out the white cloths]

Mr Humphries: So, anyway, we both came out of the pictures, you see, and we got into her sports car and she's sitting there, brushing her long blonde hair in the driving mirror you know the way they do, and she turns to me and she said, "Um, should I drop you home?"

Mr Lucas: You refused, of course.

Mr Humphries: Well, no, she behaved herself quite well in the cinema. Apart from when she reached over to get a chocolate and I had the box on me lap.

Mr Lucas: That was when she was looking for the one with the hard centre, was it?

Mr Humphries: Yeah, she wasn't best pleased when she had to make do with a marzipan. Anyway, you see, we get outside the front door and she said, she looked at me, coy like, you know, and she said, "Uh, are you going to invite me in for coffee?"

Mr Lucas: And did you?

Mr Humphries: No, I got a crack in me corner. So, anyway, she said, "Well, we'll have to say goodnight here, then," and she flung her arms around me neck and she grappled with me like Mick McManus.

Mr Lucas: You never told me you've been out with Mick McManus.

Mr Humphries: If you're going to mock me, I shall not let you be privy to my confidences. So, anyway, she presses a button and the seat flew back, and there I was, about to be washed away on a tidal wave of passion, when me mother banged on the bonnet with a rolling pin and gave her a minute to get out or make an honest man of me. (The telephone rings and Mr. Humphries answers it) Menswear.

[Meanwhile, Mr. Harman and his colleagues are putting up a "Bliss" counter in the centre of the floor]

Mr Harman: Warick, shove it down about there. That's it, Warick, there we are. There. (to Captain Peacock) Presenting the Bliss Pong Shop. Where would you like it?

Captain Peacock: (pointing to the ladies' department) It has to go over there. (to Harman's colleagues) You and you, take that counter away.

Mr Harman: Um, don't move, stand fast. (turns to Peacock) Captain Peacock, you do not tell my men to take that counter away. They are under my jurisprudence. You tell me to take that counter away and I tell them to take that counter away.

Captain Peacock: Harman, take that counter away.

Mr Harman: It's Mr. Harman.

Captain Peacock: Very well, Mr. Harman.

Mr Harman: What?

Captain Peacock: Will you please take that counter away?

Mr Harman': Right, you and you, counter, out!

[Warick and his colleague pick up the ladies' counter]

Mrs Slocombe: Just a minute. Put that counter down.

[The camera cuts to Captain Peacock. Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas are standing behind him]

Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe. (Wiggles his finger)

Mrs Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I do not respond to any man's finger.

Mr Humphries: You know, I used to have an aunt that said that. Maiden aunt.

Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, it is my understood prerogative as floor walker to summon any of my subordinates if I wish to give them my instructions. Now, will you please exceed to my request?

Mrs Slocombe: In a word, not on your nelly.

Mr Harman: (to Miss Brahms) It's exciting, innit? You can feel the tension mounting.

Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, I shall count to five, and if you have not complied, then I shall make an adverse entry in my book.

Miss Brahms: Two of them, she'd get sent off.

Captain Peacock: One. Two. Three. Four.

Mr Harman: Four and a half.

Captain Peacock: Five. (Writes in his notebook) Mrs. Slocombe, truculent and impertinent.

Mrs Slocombe: Captain Peacock, I may have been truculent, but I was certainly not impertinent.

Captain Peacock: I've already entered impertinent in my book.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, well, in that case. (Blows a raspberry and sticks two fingers up)

Happy Returns [6.6]

Season 7

The Junior [7.1]

Strong Stuff, This Insurance [7.2]

[Mr Harman is talking to Young Mr. Grace about his office furniture, but the staff are outside the door listening, thinking he is reciting their medical examination results]

Young Mr Grace: [Wearing glasses] I can't find me spectacles, you read it.

Mr Harman: Uh, yes. Now, this is the oldest. [Points to chest of drawers]

Mr Grace: The bow front with the short legs?

Mrs Slocombe: That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg!

Mr Goldberg: Shh! I want to hear!

Mr Harman: The top's in very good condition, bit of dry rot in the leg, and the knob's going to fall off! [Mr Goldberg is shocked)

Young Mr Grace: What about that pretty little piece?

Mrs Slocombe: That must be you, Miss Brahms.

Mr Lucas: Well, it certainly won't be you!

Mr Harman: Outwardly, in very good condition. Unfortunately it's got a screw loose! And the knockers aren't genuine...

Miss Brahms: [Outraged] Blummin' cheek!!

Mr Harman: That brings me to this one, here.

Mr Grace: Oh, the big chest?

Mrs Slocombe: [Appears uncomfortable]

Mr Harman: Once used by a lot of soldiers, there was a lot of odd things found in the drawers, which once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time. Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom. Now, we come to the pouf.

Mr Humphries: [Looks embarrassed]

Mr Harman: Outwardly in very good condition. A bit older than it looks, a bit saggy in the middle, and probably worth hanging onto if you're prepared to have it stuffed!

Mr Humphries: [Faints, collapses into Peacock's arms]

The Apartment [7.3]

At the top floor, Mrs Slocombe gets to bed and Mr Humphries annoys her cat

Mr Humphries: Oh you're nice aren't you!?

Cat gets annoyed

Mrs Slocombe: Mr Humphries, leave my pussy alone!

Wakes everyone else up

Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person [7.4]

The Hero [7.5]

Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries!

Mr Humphries: I'm not free! [runs into the women's dressing room]

[Mr. Lucas runs in and carries him over his shoulder]

Mr Humphries: I thought you had sworn not to harm any living thing: animal, vegetable, or insect!

Mr Lucas: I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.

Anything You Can Do [7.6]

The Agent [7.7]

The Punch and Judy Affair [7.8]

Season 8

Is It Catching? [8.1]

[Humphries comes in wearing a plastic bag that covers all of his body except his face]

Mr Humphries: Before you say anything, I've got to use this because me mother's got me raincoat to queue up for her disability pension. I borrowed it off a very nice girl punk rocker that lives next door. It was her bridal gown.

Mrs Slocombe: Don't tell me she got married in that.

Mr Humphries: Married? She lived in it for a week with the groom before they found somewhere to squat.

Mr Humphries: Why has Mr Spooner been blackballed?

Mrs Slocombe: Because the fireman wanted a clear passage.

Mr Humphries: No further questions!

Cook: That's enough out of you. I'm under a great strain, cooking for you lot!

Miss Brahms: You'd be under a lot more strain if you had to eat it!

Mr Humphries: [Recounting recent visit to the doctors] Oh yes, well after a very rigorous examination, he looked at me and said: "I can't find anything wrong with you." Which surprised me, so I asked for a second opinion.

Mr Spooner: Did you get one?

Mr Humphries: Hmm, from the window cleaner, but we closed the curtains and ignored him.

A Personal Problem [8.2]

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, I'm better for that. What's been happening?

Mr Humphries: Well, Mrs. Peacock loves Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad loves Mrs. Peacock, although he's got a very strange way of showing it. And Mr. Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading, and I know from long experience that only leads to trouble. Ooh, and the maintenance men who have the wherewithal to open the locked window have just come out the pub.

Mrs Slocombe: Ooh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock? All's well that ends well.

Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, since the maintenance men have just got on a 47 Bus, what makes you think it's all going to end well?

Front Page Story [8.3]

Sit Out [8.4]

Staff: Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons, Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons.

Mr Grossman: I think I ought to look for another job.

Mr Spooner: What could you do?

Mr Grossman: What do you mean what could I do? I've got my brain! I've got my eyes! My senses, my hands, my feet...

Mr Humphries: You could be a guide dog.

Captain Peacock: It's alright for Miss Brahms; I mean, she can always get married to somebody who could keep her in a manner to which she's been accustomed.

Miss Brahms: "I don't want to live in the manner to which I've been accustomed. I mean, coming to work here every day, Larry Grayson Saturday, roast and two-veg Sunday... I want some excitement - I want to do something with me life! I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street!"

Mr Humphries: You're lucky, all I'm getting is Jackanory.

Miss Brahms: You know, your life isn't like Jackanory at all, it's more like Blue Peter.

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, I've dropped the pot!

Mr Spooner: I think we've attracted attention, all right.

Mr Humphries: Somehow, I don't think a red policeman is not going to be on our side.

Mr Humphries: [Recognising fireman] You!

Fireman: [Recognising Humphries] You!

Mr Humphries: What happened to the Benedictine monastery?

Fireman: Well, it's a long story.

Mr Humphries: You can tell me on the way down. Alley-oop!

Heir Apparent [8.5]

Captain Peacock: Well, it's Mrs. Slocombe at the top of the stairs, followed by Miss Brahms. Behind her, Mr. Klein and myself, then Mr. Humphries. And outside on the street, Mr. Spooner.

[It should have been the other way round because a handicapped person should be in front to give the slow ones a chance and race equally].

Closed Circuit [8.6]

The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe [8.7]

Mrs Slocombe: How are you today, Mr. Humphries?

Mr Humphries: Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Mrs. Slocombe.

Mrs Slocombe: *gasps* You've brought on my dream! Last night I dreamed that you were Squirrel Nutkin and I was a little lady squirrel. And you built your house half way up an oak tree.

Mr Humphries: Was it thatched in dandelion leaves?

Mrs Slocombe: *gasps again* How'd you guess?

Mr Humphries: I never use anything else!

Mrs Slocombe: Well, anyway, I climbed up your tree and I knocked on your little door, only you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down. And there you were, hiding behind your acorns. What do you suppose that means?

Mr Humphries: It means that I'll have to build it a good size higher next year.

Mrs Slocombe: [To Miss Brahms. after the latter has caught her in the fitting room drinking alcohol] I'm just taking me slimming pill; only I've run out of water, and I can't bear neat gin.

[Mrs Slocombe, suitably fortified with gin and tonic, deals with a customer wishing to return a cardigan]

Customer: I'm going to take your name!

Mrs Slocombe: I'm sorry, madam, we're not allowed to give names.

Customer: Well, in that case, I... I shall remember your face!

[Mrs. Slocombe makes a face at the customer]

Mrs Slocombe: [Regarding Humphries] "He's different in me dreams."

Mr Spooner: [Discussing Slocombe's attraction towards Humphries] Do you think she wants something?

Mr Humphries: I hope not.

Mr Humphries: Quite a lot of ladies have thought twice about me. Trouble is, it's the second thought that puts them off!

Mr Spooner: [At ballet] Have they all forgotten the words?

Mr Klein: They don't have words in ballet, you ignorant burk!

Roots? [8.8]

Mr Rumbold: Mr. Humphries, why are you different from the others?

Mr Humphries: Do you know, a lot of people ask that. Apparently, this was made for Mrs. Thatcher but when she got there, she said she wanted to be treated like any other woman going down a mine... and she was.

Mr Spooner: Now I know why the miners said "One out, the lot out".

Captain Peacock: I say, that hasn't cooled me down at all.

Mrs Slocombe: Put it away, Miss Brahms.

Old Mr Grace: Happy birthday, dear brother.

Young Mr Grace: It's not my birthday, you silly old fool. No wonder the department is losing money.

Mr Rumbold: I see. Well can you find a B-flat in there?

Mr Harman: Certainly sir. Would you like it on the flute, the horn, the Hawaiian guitar or the bass bassoon?

Mr Rumbold: What on earth does that sound like?

[Low parp]

Season 9

The Sweet Smell of Success [9.1]

Mrs Slocombe: It's something I do at home.

Mr Humphries: Well, that narrows things down a bit, doesn't it?

Mrs Slocombe: Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, you can expect a reprimand. However, any of your lip before we open and you'll get my umbrella up your hooter.

[Bell ring]

Captain Peacock: As that was the opening bell, a reprimand is all we can allow.

Miss Belfridge: Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.

Mr Rumbold: Well what's so strange about that?

Miss Belfridge: He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.

Mr Rumbold: Good heavens!

[Both of them rush into his office]

Mr Spooner: Cor, who was that?

Captain Peacock: His new secretary.

Miss Brahms: Huh, bet they're paying her out for the electricity bill.

Captain Peacock: [Realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about] Blue overcoat?

Mrs Slocombe: Mr. Humphries!

Miss Brahms: Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.

Mr Spooner: [Mock surprise] Ooh, not in those trousers.

Mr Humphries: About time, too. It's very draughty out here. Up a bit, George.

[George pulls up the machine until Mr. Humphries can clamber into the office]

Mr Humphries: This is as far as I go. Thanks for the lift. Oh...

Mr Rumbold: This is most irregular.

Mr Humphries: I was just only using my initiative. I knew that the outside of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.

[Humphries walks to the door but stops just as Mrs. Slocombe notices handprint on Humphries' overcoat]

Mrs Slocombe: There's white paint on the back of your coat.

Mr Humphries: That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me. D'you know I've no head for heights. And he was well over six foot tall.

Miss Yardswick: National Associated Canteen Employees, Restaurant and Domesticated.

Mr Humphries: "Knackered". I might have guessed.

Miss Brahms: Here, Captain Peacock, have you asked Rumbold yet about selling the perfume?

Captain Peacock: No. He's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.

Miss Slocombe: I bet she can't type with more than one finger.

Captain Peacock: That's exactly what my wife said when I showed her the photo.

Miss Brahms: What photo?

Captain Peacock: Oh er... in the senior staff magazine. Here. "Menswear News. Miss B. Belfridge wins top position as C. Rumbold's temporary secretary" Look.

[Photo shows Miss Belfridge in a bathing suit]

Miss Brahms: She's in a bathing costume!

Mrs Slocombe: Just.

Captain Peacock: Well, it does liven up an otherwise abysmally dull publication.

Miss Brahms: Huh. Bet old jug ears didn't dare show that to his missus.

Captain Peacock: Not if he has any sense. Mine was even worried she was on the same floor as me.

Mrs Slocombe: Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.

Captain Peacock: [Chuckles]

Mrs Slocombe: Well you used to.

Conduct Unbecoming [9.2]

Memories Are Made of This [9.3]

Calling All Customers [9.4]

Monkey Business [9.5]

Lost and Found [9.6]

Season 10

Goodbye, Mrs. Slocombe [10.1]

Miss Brahms: Think of the fun we could have, not having to come to work any more. I'd go to the pictures everyday and get up late.

Captain Peacock:I'd play golf. Fancy just driving one down the middle.

Mr Humphries: I'd spend all in day in my garden, tending it and trying out my gnomes in new positions.

Grounds for Divorce [10.2]

Mrs Slocombe: Mr Harman, as Captain Peacock isn't here, I feel it's up to me to tell you that I don't want you on the floor at this time of the morning.

Mr Harman: My wife will be pleased to hear that. She's a very jealous woman.

The Hold-Up [10.3]

Miss Brahms: No no I should never give in to an Italian whopper!

Mr Humphries: They do have rumours in the underworld!

Gambling Fever [10.4]

Mr Humphries': [After pawning watch to place a bet] I hope this horse wins. My mother gave me that watch when I became captain of the embroidery team.

The Night Club [10.5]

[Mrs. Slocombe calls home to talk to her cat during a meeting]

Mrs Slocombe: Hello pet, it's your mistress speaking. Now listen, I'm gonna be later than I thought. So why don't you lay down on that big comfy bed of yours and when I come home I'll tickle your tummy all over.

[Everyone rolls their eyes]

Mrs Slocombe: Oh, I'm soo sorry Mr. Akbar! I must have misdialed. It's your neighbor Mrs. Slocombe... What do you mean, you leave your key under the mat?

[Later]

Mrs Slocombe: Oh my little pet, I'm ever so sorry, but I'll make it up to you when I get home. Why don't you open your little flap and play with your ball? [Listens] Mr. Akbar, how dare you!

Friends and Neighbors [10.6]

Mrs Slocombe: Would you like my pump up your proboscis?

Mr Harman: Are you trying to put the wind up me?

The Pop Star [10.7]

Mr Humphries: I was just repricing my stock. I've put the shirts up 95 pence and the gloves and ties 50 pence. And, if it's alright with you, I'd like to drop my pants and display my y-fronts.

Catchphrases

Captain Peacock: Are you free?

Mr Humphries: I'm free.

Mrs Slocombe: ...and I am unanimous in this...

Mrs Slocombe: Weak as water!

Mrs Slocombe: Mind you...

Old Mr Grace: She's a lively little thing...

Young Mr Grace: You've all done very well!

Mr Lucas: Can we all go home then?

Mr Lucas: Glass of water for Mr. Grainger.