Are You Being Served?
Are You Being Served? ("AYBS") was a British sitcom broadcast from 1972 to 1985. In all 69 episodes were televised and also included one motion picture with the same title. In 1992, many of the main characters were reprised in a short lived follow-up series, Grace and Favour (later known as Are You Being Served, Again?).
- [First lines]
- [The opening shot is in the gents department at Grace Brothers Department Store. The camera travels across to the lift on the right. The lift doors open with two women inside, Mrs. Slocombe and Miss Brahms]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, is that the best you can do, Miss Brahms?
- Miss Brahms: Well it's not my job, is it? I'll try again. (Presses a button and the lift doors close, but the lift itself malfunctions)
- Mrs. Slocombe: (from inside the lift) Oh, really.
- [The doors open again and the two ladies realise they are in the same position]
- Miss Brahms: Look, the girl who operates the lifts should be here to help us with the move.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, never mind, come along. (Jumps down from the lift and Miss Brahms gives her the garment rack they have taken to the floor) Oh, Miss Brahms. Pull your skirt down.
- Miss Brahms: But we're not open.
- Mrs. Slocombe: That may be, but now that we're sharing our department with gents outfitting, it might pay us to be a little more circumspect.
- [But then, Mrs. Slocombe pulls the garment rack into a trolley which is being pushed my Mr. Mash, a maintenance man who works at Grace Brothers]
- Mr. Mash: Cor blimey! Women drivers.
- Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Mr. Mash. Instead of standing there making those sarcastic remarks, you could give us a hand.
- Mr. Mash: Middle-class cow! (Mrs. Slocombe glares at him as he pushes his trolley to the gents counter which is being manned by Mr. Humphries)
- Mr. Humphries: Having trouble with Mrs. Slocombe?
- Mr. Mash: All that woman's lib's gone to her head, mate!
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, I hope not. If she burns her bra, we'll have to call out the London Fire Brigade!
- Mr. Mash: Women's department. Who ever heard of a women's department on this floor? It's been men's ever since I was a boy.
- Mr. Humphries: That Mrs. Pankhurt's really started something.
- Mr. Mash: Well what are you gonna do about it, Mr. Humphries.
- Mr. Humphries: Well as a matter of fact, I was thinking of chaining myself to the lift gates.
- Mr. Mash: Eh? Kinky.
Dear Sexy Knickers [1.2]
[Peacock reads a note thrown by Lucas to Brahms, saying: "Dear Sexy Knickers: I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at five-thirty and we'll get it together."]
- Captain Peacock: Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?
- Mr. Grainger: Write it? I don't even understand it!
- Mr. Humphries: Certainly not, Mr. Grainger wouldn't write "Dear Sexy Knickers", you would have said "Dear Sexy Bloomers", wouldn't you?
- Mr. Grainger: I would very much doubt it.
- Captain Peacock: Did you write the note, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: No, but thanks for the compliment.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Why anyone would want to buy a women's magazine with a centerfold of a nude man is beyond me.
- Miss Brahms: Well, I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.
- Miss Brahms: [On telephone, thinking she's speaking with Peacock] If I have anymore of your ol' guff, I'll have you on the carpet.
- Mr. Grainger: [Hanging up, dumbstruck] Some lady wants to have me on the carpet.
Our Figures Are Slipping [1.3]
[Lucas inviting Miss Brahms to the movies]
- Miss Brahms: What's on?
- Mr. Lucas: Well, there's Bambi in Studio Two, then around the corner there's The Unsatisfied Virgin... I've seen Bambi.
- Mr. Rumbold: I always think there is a reason for poor performance. Now, a happy salesman is a good salesman. And you don't look happy, Mr Lucas. I think if you could smile more, that would help.
- Mr. Lucas: Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been smiling enough, Mr Rumbold.
- Mr. Rumbold: Well, there must be a reason. Are you, um... And I don't wish to pry, but are you, um... Are you unhappy at home?
- Mr. Lucas: Ah... Yes! That could very well be it, yes!
- Mr. Rumbold: Now we're getting somewhere, sit down and tell me about it.
- Mr. Lucas: Thank you, yes. [Sits at Rumbold's desk. Rumbold sits in the chair opposite) It's my environment you see, sir. You see, I've only got this one shabby little room.
- Mr. Rumbold: In Highgate, isn't it?
- Mr Lucas: Yes, yes, very poor part of Highgate mind, I mean... And ever since we took in that Asian to help make ends meet, well... The strain has been too much for my crippled mother and she's had to give up her job at the skating rink. Taking the tickets.
- Mr Rumbold: I had no idea!
- Mr Lucas: Yes... Well... [Pretending to hold back tears] What with that, and the fact that the... The cat's got asthma and has been coughing all night. What with all that and also the fact that we have to cook on a broken old gas ring, well... There are days when somehow, life seems to have lost its magic. And particularly since we had an eviction note this morning! But as you suggest, Mr Rumbold, I will do my best and try and smile a bit more.
- Mr Rumbold: [Blows nose] This really is a terrible story!
- Mr Lucas: [Surprised] Is it?!
Camping In [1.4]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Yes well, I met my husband in a German air raid. His face was lit from an incoming incendiary. He threw me flat on me face and said: "Look out, here comes a big one!".
- Mr. Lucas: They didn't have much time for chatting in those days.
Mr Mash brings round pyjamas
Mr Mash: There we are Miss Brahms.
Miss Brahms: Oh, no thank you, I don't wear them. I don't like the rough material on my skin.
- Mrs Slocombe: You will wear pyjamas tonight, Miss Brahms! Suppose there was a fire and you had no clothes on?
- Miss Brahms: Oooh, I'd be first to get rescued!
His and Hers [1.5]
Diamonds Are a Man's Best Friend [1.6]
The Clock [2.1]
- Mr. Mash: Captain Stephen Peacock, RASC, C of E, hero of the Battle of Katterick NAAFI, holder of the Hot Cross Bun and Bar.
- Mrs. Grainger: That's Young Mr. Grace?
- Mr. Grainger: Old Mr. Grace doesn't get about very much.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [Drunk] Well, Captain Peacock, it looks as though we'll be tripping the life lantastic...
- Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?!
- Mr. Humphries: She wants you to rip her tight elastic.
Cold Comfort [2.2]
The Think Tank [2.3]
Big Brother [2.4]
Hoorah for the Holidays [2.5]
The Hand of Fate [3.1]
- Mrs. Slocombe: What is it, Mr. Mash?
- Mr. Mash: Did you put in an order for twenty-seven galvanised buckets?
- Mrs. Slocombe: And what would I be doing in Ladies' department with twenty-seven galvanised buckets? This is the Ladies' department, not a farmyard!
- Mr. Mash: We could be milking a jersey.
- Mr. Grainger: [About customer] He's looking for something in Scottish tweed with broad shoulders.
- Mr. Humphries: Aren't we all?
Coffee Morning [3.2]
[Miss Brahms is measuring Mrs. Slocombe's waist]
- Miss Brahms: You ready?
- Mrs. Slocombe: No, no I can nip it in a bit more yet. [Breathes in] Now! [Brahms checks tape measure] What is it?
- Miss Brahms: 77
- Mrs Slocombe: Oh, don't it sound a lot in metric?
- Miss Brahms: Yes, well you've put on four whatever-they-ares.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Centipedes, Miss Brahms.
Up Captain Peacock [3.3]
Cold Store [3.4]
- Mr. Humphries: You're probably wondering why I'm walking like this, Captain Peacock; I've done my back in.
- Captain Peacock: I hadn't noticed any difference.
- Sister: [Taking Mr Lucas' temperature] You're normal.
- Mr. Humphries: Yes, but we're working on it!
Wedding Bells [3.5]
- Mrs. Slocombe: There's a naked man in there, in his underpants!
- Mr. Humphries: That's nothing Mrs. Slocombe, you wait till the honeymoon!
German Week [3.6]
- Mrs. Slocombe: [Drunk, about Mr. Rumbold] Oooh, twiddle his knob someone, he's out of focus!
- Miss Brahms: Well it's either that or take him with me mum's washings to the launderette.
- Mr. Lucas: I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear there than I have of yours.
- Young Mr. Grace: Well I'll be one tight long, I always go to the club on Tuesday evening.
- Mr. Rumbold: Oh, oh yes, the Bridge Club.
- Young Mr. Grace: No, no, no, the strip club.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Some of us have long memories, you know – I haven't forgotten being flung flat on me back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible!
- Mr. Lucas: All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.
[On having to stay for a meeting after working hours]
- Mrs. Slocombe: "You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt."
- Mr. Grainger: I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight.
- Mr. Humphries: Oh, it's treats!
- Mr. Grainger: Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often.
- Mr. Lucas: Having a bath with Mrs. Grainger, are you?
- Mr. Grainger: I don't find that amusing!
- Mr. Lucas: Come to think of it, neither would I.
- Mrs. Slocombe: You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola."
- Miss Brahms: Gorgonzola isn't German!
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!
- Mr. Lucas: Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German for "cuff links" is.
- Mr. Humphries: What?
- Mr. Lucas: Manschettenknopf.
- Mr. Humphries: I don't expect they'll sell any with a name like that.
- Mr. Grainger: This is a funny name for a sweater: Mit die Hände gewaschen. [sic]
- Captain Peacock: That means: Wash by hand.
- Mr. Lucas: It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Captain Peacock.
- Captain Peacock: I had to study it during the war, you know.
- Mr. Mash: Ausfahrt.
- Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
- Mr. Mash: Ausfahrt. What's that mean, then?
- Captain Peacock: The way out, Mr. Mash, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.
- Mrs. Slocombe: I'm not selling German Sex Knickers.
- Captain Peacock: Sechs is just the German word for six.
- Miss Brahms: What do they use for sex?
- Mr. Mash: Same as they use everywhere else.
- Mr. Mash: Here you are Mrs. Slocombe, twelve bras.
- Mrs. Slocombe: I wonder what the German is for them... Bustenhalter? [Brahms pulls out a very large bra] Blimey, whatever size is that?
- Miss Brahms: It says here clean.
- Captain Peacock: Klein Miss Brahms, it means small.
- Mrs. Slocombe: They're well built, those German girls.
Shoulder to Shoulder [3.7]
- Mr. Rumbold: Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?"
- Miss Thorpe: You mean the one marked "Decoration"?
- Mr. Rumbold: Yes.
- Miss Thorpe: I filed it yesterday under "A".
- Mr. Rumbold: Under "A"?
- Miss Thorpe: Yes, I file most things under "A".
- Mr. Rumbold: I don't quite follow.
- Miss Thorpe: Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.
- Captain Peacock: A very difficult way of finding anything.
[To telephone customer]
- Mr. Humphries: We'll do your inside leg. [Aside, to Lucas] This should be fun.
- Mr. Lucas: You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.
[Captain Peacock beckons Mrs. Slocombe with a wave]
- Mrs. Slocombe: I do not respond to waves."
- Miss Brahms: What about that man you met on your holiday?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Ah, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!
[Lucas has just made a cheeky remark to Slocombe]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, would you use your senior position to tell Mr. Lucas to shut his cake hole?!
- Captain Peacock: Mr. Lucas, you are not indispensable. There are many young men who would bend over backwards to get into Grace Brothers.
- Mr. Humphries: That's one of the qualifications.
- Mr. Lucas: You nearly got me the sack then.
- Mrs. Slocombe: You should have been put in one at birth.
- Mr. Humphries: This sweater is half man-made wool, half polyester fiber.
- Newlywed Male Customer: Surely that's man-made as well.
- Mr. Humphries: Ah, yes, but it's made by different men.
- Newlywed Male Customer: Shall I or shan't I? Should I or shouldn't I?
- Mr. Lucas: Is he or isn't he?
- Mr. Humphries: I don't know, but I'd think it'd help if there was a rush.
[Mrs Slocombe needs to pad out a bra on a male dummy]
- Mr. Lucas: Mrs. Slocombe wants to know if she can borrow a couple of pairs of socks to stuff down her bra.
- Mr. Humphries: She's not going to talk to those workmen again, is she?
New Look [3.8]
- Mrs Slocombe: It's a wonder I'm here at all, you know. My pussy got soaking wet. I had to dry it out in front of the fire before I left!
- Mr Rumbold: Perhaps you'd like to open the box?
- Mr Lucas: Or will you take the money?
- Mr Rumbold: These aspirins don't seem to be doing any good at all.
- Mr Humphries: Perhaps you need an icepack?
- Mrs Slocombe: How about having a woman?
- Mr Lucas: No, I think he's better to stick to the aspirins.
Christmas Crackers [3.9]
No Sale [4.1]
[The management has pushed back opening time and the staff are being purposely rude to customers in an effort to lower daily sales and call off the new hours of operation]
- Mr. Grainger: [To customer] And that's because you've got a fat face, piggy eyes, and a... a pimple, on your nose. [Turns to Humphries and Lucas] You young salesmen just don't know how not to sell clothes.
- Mr. Humphries: [To his mother, on the phone] If a man rings up with a Scottish accent, you're the cleaner and you've never heard of me. No, I don't owe him any money...I don't owe him anything. What do you mean there's someone coming up the garden path in a kilt? Well, look, lock the door and hide in the cupboard. I'll phone you before I leave here. Whatever you do, don't open the door unless it's a young policeman carrying a rolled umbrella. And if I can borrow a helmet from the toy department, that'll be me."
Top Hat and Tails [4.2]
Forward Mr. Grainger [4.3]
Fire Practice [4.4]
[The two are counting out wads of money left behind by wealthy Arab gentlemen during a fire alarm.]
- Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas: One for them and one for us, one for them and one for us, one for them and one for us. [Arab man holds up knife threateningly] All for them and none for us, all for them and none for us.
Fifty Years On [4.5]
- Mr. Rumbold: Let's see how that sounds. Happy birthday, dear Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.
- Mr. Lucas: Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.
- Captain Peacock: "What are we going to sing now? Uh, Uh-Uh, Uh-Uh-Uh or Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh?"
- Mr. Rumbold: Uh...
- Mr. Lucas: I'll settle for that.
- Mr. Rumbold: No, we'll have two Uhs.
- Mr. Grainger: I entirely agree! To Uh-Uh is human.
Oh What a Tangled Web [4.6]
[Mrs. Peacock cries when she sees Mr. Rumbold's secretary, whom she believes has been having an affair with her husband] Mrs. Slocombe: I notice she didn't cry like that when she thought it was me. Mr. Lucas: Funny that...
The Father Christmas Affair [4.7]
[Santa model says: HO, HO, HO, little boy, have I got a surprise for you. Opens its arms, taking coat with it, revealing the naked dummy body]
- Mrs. Slocombe: "How much did it cost?"
- Mr. Lucas: "Why, do you want to buy one?"
- Mr. Humphries: Have I missed anything?
- Mr. Rumbold: Yes, well there are one or two teething troubles, but I'm sure you'll soon get the gist of what we're trying to do. Show him, Mr Harman! There's going to be one in each department for Christmas.
- Mr. Harman: [Turns on the Santa model]
- Santa model: HO, HO, HO, little boy, have I got a surprise for you! [Opens coat, revealing naked dummy body.]
- Mr. Humphries: [Faints, collapsing into Lucas' arms]
Mrs. Slocombe Expects [5.1]
- Captain Peacock: How thoughtful of Grace Brothers to leave the doors open, so that we, the customers, can actually get in to buy things.
A Change Is as Good as a Rest [5.2]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?
- Captain Peacock: I'm told people prefer the real thing.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, how ridiculous! What is there to learn about toys? All you do is bounce them, cuddle them or turn them on!
- Mr. Lucas: Just like girls, really!
- Mr. Rumbold: I just wanted you to know that I'm doing my best to get Grainger reinstated, but I'm having trouble getting through to Mr. Grace.
- Captain Peacock: Why, is his telephone out of order?
- Mr Rumbold: No, his brain!
Founder's Day [5.3]
The Old Order Changes [5.4]
- Mrs Slocombe: [About Miss Brahms, who is wearing a padded bra] You look like the Hunchfront of Notre Dame!
[The staff are in Mr. Rumbold's office, discussing the eponymous takeover]
- Captain Peacock: Lallies and Willets [Polari for Legs and Breasts] – that's a Bristol firm, isn't it?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Never mind where they hang out, what's in it for us?
- Mr. Humphries:[Mr. Rumbold is suggesting which shareholders each person should impersonate]
- Mr. Rumbold: There's Jeffrey Longman. He is 28, broad-shouldered, 6 foot 2, blond haired, blue eyed, wealthy yacht owner.
- Mr. Humphries: Ooh, I like the sound of that!
- Mr. Lucas: You're not tall enough.
- Mr. Humphries: I know, I just like the sound of it.
- Mr. Rumbold: Oh, this chap's quite a large shareholder. [He's a] professional dancer.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, Mr. Humphries does a bit of dancing. Don't you, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Oh yes. The word "versatile" has been applied to me before. [Begins to dance]
- Mr. Rumbold: I must stop you; he's only got one leg. And he is from Nigeria. Could you play a one-legged, Nigerian tap-dancer?
- Mr. Humphries: Not with any degree of sincerity, no.
- Captain Peacock: [To Humphries] One more insult from that man [Lucas] and these clothes are coming off!
- Mr. Humphries: Don't start distracting me now, I'm very busy!
Goodbye Mr. Grainger [5.6]
- Mr. Lucas: What are you talking about? Alexander the Great was only my age when he died and he was practically ruling the world.
- Mr. Humphries: Yes, but could he take an inside leg?
It Pays to Advertise [5.7]
[While making an advertisement, the microphone slips down the dress of Mrs Slocombe.]
- Mr. Lucas: It slipped right down, Mr Harman!
- Mr. Harman: Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...
[Mrs Slocombe and Captain Peacock attempt their lines but can't be heard over mic, as it has slipped all the way down to Mrs Slocombe's stomach.]
- Miss Brahms: What if he shouted up her skirt?
- Mrs. Slocombe: [Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!
By Appointment [6.1]
The Club [6.2]
- Captain Peacock: [After viewing a sales model with rotating breasts] Excuse me Madam, I wonder if we could interest you in the new "Flexi-bra". However wayward your figure, the Flexi-bra will cling to it, and control it. [Shows her model]
- Madam: I know all about them, thank you. In fact, I wear one. [Opens coat to reveal her breasts rotating like the models]
- Sir: And I have the matching pants. [Turns to reveal his buttocks rotating in the same fashion]
- Mr Humphries: [Faints, collapsing into Lucas' arms]
Do You Take This Man? [6.3]
Shedding the Load [6.4]
A Bliss Girl [6.5]
Happy Returns [6.6]
The Junior [7.1]
Strong Stuff, This Insurance [7.2]
[Mr Harman is talking to Young Mr. Grace about his office furniture, but the staff are outside the door listening, thinking he is reciting their medical examination results]
- Mr. Grace: [Wearing glasses] I can't find me spectacles, you read it.
- Mr Harman: Uh, yes. Now, this is the oldest. [Points to chest of drawers]
- Mr. Grace: The bow front with the short legs?
- Mrs. Slocombe: That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg!
- Mr. Goldberg: Shh! I want to hear!
- Mr. Harman: The top's in very good condition, bit of dry rot in the leg, and the knob's going to fall off! [Mr Goldberg is shocked)
- Young Mr. Grace: What about that pretty little piece?
- Mrs. Slocombe: That must be you, Miss Brahms.
- Mr. Lucas: Well, it certainly won't be you!
- Mr. Harman: Outwardly, in very good condition. Unfortunately it's got a screw loose! And the knockers aren't genuine...
- Miss. Brahms: [Outraged] Blummin' cheek!!
- Mr. Harman: That brings me to this one, here.
- Mr. Grace: Oh, the big chest?
- Mrs Slocombe: [Appears uncomfortable]
- Mr. Harman: Once used by a lot of soldiers, there was a lot of odd things found in the drawers, which once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time. Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom. Now, we come to the pouf.
- Mr. Humphries: [Looks embarrassed]
- Mr. Harman: Outwardly in very good condition. A bit older than it looks, a bit saggy in the middle, and probably worth hanging onto if you're prepared to have it stuffed!
- Mr Humphries: [Faints, collapses into Peacock's arms]
The Apartment [7.3]
At the top floor, Mrs Slocombe gets to bed and Mr Humphries annoys her cat
Mr Humphries: Oh you're nice aren't you!?
Cat gets annoyed
Mrs Slocombe: Mr Humphries, leave my pussy alone!
Wakes everyone else up
Mrs. Slocombe, Senior Person [7.4]
The Hero [7.5]
- Captain Peacock: Mr. Humphries!
- Mr. Humphries: I'm not free! [runs into the women's dressing room]
- Mr. Lucas runs in and carries him over his shoulder
- Mr. Humphries: I thought you had sworn not to harm any living thing: animal, vegetable, or insect!
- Mr. Lucas: I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.
Anything You Can Do [7.6]
The Agent [7.7]
The Punch and Judy Affair [7.8]
Is It Catching? [8.1]
- [Humphries comes in wearing a plastic bag that covers all of his body except his face]
- Mr. Humphries: Before you say anything, I've got to use this because me mother's got me raincoat to queue up for her disability pension. I borrowed it off a very nice girl punk rocker that lives next door. It was her bridal gown.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Don't tell me she got married in that.
- Mr. Humphries: Married? She lived in it for a week with the groom before they found somewhere to squat.
- Mr. Humphries: Why has Mr Spooner been blackballed?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Because the fireman wanted a clear passage.
- Mr. Humphries: No further questions!
- Cook: That's enough out of you. I'm under a great strain, cooking for you lot!
- Miss Brahms: You'd be under a lot more strain if you had to eat it!
- Mr Humphries: [Recounting recent visit to the doctors] Oh yes, well after a very rigorous examination, he looked at me and said: "I can't find anything wrong with you." Which surprised me, so I asked for a second opinion.
- Mr Spooner: Did you get one?
- Mr Humphries: Hmm, from the window cleaner, but we closed the curtains and ignored him.
A Personal Problem [8.2]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, I'm better for that. What's been happening?
- Mr. Humphries: Well, Mrs. Peacock loves Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad loves Mrs. Peacock, although he's got a very strange way of showing it. And Mr. Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading, and I know from long experience that only leads to trouble. Ooh, and the maintenance men who have the wherewithal to open the locked window have just come out the pub.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock? All's well that ends well.
- Captain Peacock: Mrs. Slocombe, since the maintenance men have just got on a 47 Bus, what makes you think it's all going to end well?
Front Page Story [8.3]
Sit Out [8.4]
- Staff: Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons, Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons.
- Mr. Grossman: I think I ought to look for another job.
- Mr. Spooner: What could you do?
- Mr. Grossman: What do you mean what could I do? I've got my brain! I've got my eyes! My senses, my hands, my feet...
- Mr. Humphries: You could be a guide dog.
- Captain Peacock: It's alright for Miss Brahms; I mean, she can always get married to somebody who could keep her in a manner to which she's been accustomed.
- Miss Brahms: "I don't want to live in the manner to which I've been accustomed. I mean, coming to work here every day, Larry Grayson Saturday, roast and two-veg Sunday... I want some excitement - I want to do something with me life! I'm looking for Dallas and all I'm getting is Coronation Street!"
- Mr. Humphries: You're lucky, all I'm getting is Jackanory.
- Miss Brahms: You know, your life isn't like Jackanory at all, it's more like Blue Peter.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, I've dropped the pot!
- Mr. Spooner: I think we've attracted attention, all right.
- Mr. Humphries: Somehow, I don't think a red policeman is not going to be on our side.
- Mr. Humphries: [Recognising fireman] You!
- Fireman: [Recognising Humphries] You!
- Mr. Humphries: What happened to the Benedictine monastery?
- Fireman: Well, it's a long story.
- Mr. Humphries: "You can tell me on the way down. Alley-oop!
Heir Apparent [8.5]
- Captain Peacock: Well, it's Mrs. Slocombe at the top of the stairs, followed by Miss Brahms. Behind her, Mr. Klein and myself, then Mr. Humphries. And outside on the street, Mr. Spooner.
[It should have been the other way round because a handicapped person should be in front to give the slow ones a chance and race equally].
Closed Circuit [8.6]
The Erotic Dreams of Mrs. Slocombe [8.7]
- Mrs. Slocombe: How are you today, Mr. Humphries?
- Mr. Humphries: Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, Mrs. Slocombe.
- Mrs. Slocombe: *gasps* You've brought on my dream! Last night I dreamed that you were Squirrel Nutkin and I was a little lady squirrel. And you built your house half way up an oak tree.
- Mr. Humphries: Was it thatched in dandelion leaves?
- Mrs. Slocombe: *gasps again* How'd you guess?
- Mr. Humphries: I never use anything else!
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, anyway, I climbed up your tree and I knocked on your little door, only you pretended you weren't in, so I had to kick it down. And there you were, hiding behind your acorns. What do you suppose that means?
- Mr. Humphries: It means that I'll have to build it a good size higher next year.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [To Miss Brahms. after the latter has caught her in the fitting room drinking alcohol] I'm just taking me slimming pill; only I've run out of water, and I can't bear neat gin.
- [Mrs. Slocombe, suitably fortified with gin and tonic, deals with a customer wishing to return a cardigan]
- Customer: I'm going to take your name!
- Mrs. Slocombe: I'm sorry, madam, we're not allowed to give names.
- Customer: Well, in that case, I... I shall remember your face!
- [Mrs. Slocombe makes a face at the customer]
- Mrs. Slocombe: [Regarding Humphries] "He's different in me dreams."
- Mr. Spooner: [Discussing Slocombe's attraction towards Humphries] Do you think she wants something?
- Mr. Humphries: I hope not.
- Mr. Humphries: Quite a lot of ladies have thought twice about me. Trouble is, it's the second thought that puts them off!
- Mr. Spooner: [At ballet] Have they all forgotten the words?
- Mr. Klein: They don't have words in ballet, you ignorant burk!
- Mr. Rumbold: Mr. Humphries, why are you different from the others?
- Mr. Humphries: Do you know, a lot of people ask that. Apparently, this was made for Mrs. Thatcher but when she got there, she said she wanted to be treated like any other woman going down a mine... and she was.
- Mr. Spooner: Now I know why the miners said "One out, the lot out".
- Captain Peacock: I say, that hasn't cooled me down at all.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Put it away, Miss Brahms.
- Old Mr. Grace: Happy birthday, dear brother.
- Young Mr. Grace: It's not my birthday, you silly old fool. No wonder the department is losing money.
- Mr. Rumbold: I see. Well can you find a B-flat in there?
- Mr. Harman: Certainly sir. Would you like it on the flute, the horn, the Hawaiian guitar or the bass bassoon?
- Mr. Rumbold: What on earth does that sound like?
- [Low parp]
The Sweet Smell of Success [9.1]
- Mrs. Slocombe: It's something I do at home.
- Mr. Humphries: Well, that narrows things down a bit, doesn't it?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Mr. Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, you can expect a reprimand. However, any of your lip before we open and you'll get my umbrella up your hooter.
- Captain Peacock: As that was the opening bell, a reprimand is all we can allow.
- Miss Belfridge: Mr. Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.
- Mr. Rumbold: Well what's so strange about that?
- Miss Belfridge: He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.
- Mr. Rumbold: Good heavens!
[Both of them rush into his office]
- Mr. Spooner: Cor, who was that?
- Captain Peacock: His new secretary.
- Miss Brahms: Huh, bet they're paying her out for the electricity bill.
- Captain Peacock: [Realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about] Blue overcoat?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Mr. Humphries!
- Miss Brahms: Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.
- Mr. Spooner: [Mock surprise] Ooh, not in those trousers.
- Mr. Humphries: About time, too. It's very draughty out here. Up a bit, George.
[George pulls up the machine until Humphries can clamber into the office]
- Mr. Humphries: This is as far as I go. Thanks for the lift. Oh...
- Mr. Rumbold: This is most irregular.
- Mr. Humphries: I was just only using my initiative. I knew that the outside of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift.
[Humphries walks to the door but stops just as Mrs. Slocombe notices handprint on Humphries' overcoat]
- Mrs Slocombe: There's white paint on the back of your coat.
- Mr. Humphries: That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me. D'you know I've no head for heights. And he was well over six foot tall.
- Miss Yardswick: National Associated Canteen Employees, Restaurant and Domesticated.
- Mr. Humphries: "Knackered". I might have guessed.
- Miss Brahms: Here, Captain Peacock, have you asked Rumbold yet about selling the perfume?
- Captain Peacock: No. He's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.
- Miss Slocombe: I bet she can't type with more than one finger.
- Captain Peacock: That's exactly what my wife said when I showed her the photo.
- Miss Brahms: What photo?
- Captain Peacock: Oh er... in the senior staff magazine. Here. "Menswear News. Miss B. Belfridge wins top position as C. Rumbold's temporary secretary" Look.
[Photo shows Miss Belfridge in a bathing suit]
- Miss Brahms: She's in a bathing costume!
- Mrs. Slocombe: Just.
- Captain Peacock: Well, it does liven up an otherwise abysmally dull publication.
- Miss Brahms: Huh. Bet old jug ears didn't dare show that to his missus.
- Captain Peacock: Not if he has any sense. Mine was even worried she was on the same floor as me.
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.
- Captain Peacock: [Chuckles]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Well you used to.
Conduct Unbecoming [9.2]
Memories Are Made of This [9.3]
Calling All Customers [9.4]
Monkey Business [9.5]
Lost and Found [9.6]
Goodbye, Mrs. Slocombe [10.1]
- Miss Brahms: Think of the fun we could have, not having to come to work any more. I'd go to the pictures everyday and get up late.
Captain Peacock:I'd play golf. Fancy just driving one down the middle.
- Mr Humphries: I'd spend all in day in my garden, tending it and trying out my gnomes in new positions.
Grounds for Divorce [10.2]
- Mrs Slocombe: Mr Harman, as Captain Peacock isn't here, I feel it's up to me to tell you that I don't want you on the floor at this time of the morning.
- Mr Harman: My wife will be pleased to hear that. She's a very jealous woman.
The Hold-Up [10.3]
- Miss Brahms: No no I should never give in to an Italian whopper!
- Mr. Humphries: They do have rumours in the underworld!
Gambling Fever [10.4]
- Mr Humphries': [After pawning watch to place a bet] I hope this horse wins. My mother gave me that watch when I became captain of the embroidery team.
The Night Club [10.5]
- [Mrs. Slocombe calls home to talk to her cat during a meeting]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Hello pet, it's your mistress speaking. Now listen, I'm gonna be later than I thought. So why don't you lay down on that big comfy bed of yours and when I come home I'll tickle your tummy all over.
- [Everyone rolls their eyes]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh, I'm soo sorry Mr. Akbar! I must have misdialed. It's your neighbor Mrs. Slocombe... What do you mean, you leave your key under the mat?
- Mrs. Slocombe: Oh my little pet, I'm ever so sorry, but I'll make it up to you when I get home. Why don't you open your little flap and play with your ball? [Listens] Mr. Akbar, how dare you!
Friends and Neighbors [10.6]
- Mrs Slocombe: Would you like my pump up your proboscis?
- Mr Harman: Are you trying to put the wind up me?
The Pop Star [10.7]
- Mr Humphries: I was just repricing my stock. I've put the shirts up 95 pence and the gloves and ties 50 pence. And, if it's alright with you, I'd like to drop my pants and display my y-fronts.
- Captain Peacock: "Are you free?"
- Mr. Humphries: "I'm free."
- Mrs. Slocombe: "...and I am unanimous in this..."
- Mrs. Slocombe: "Weak as water!"
- Mrs. Slocombe: "Mind you..."
- Old Mr. Grace: "She's a lively little thing..."
- Young Mr. Grace: "You've all done very well!"
- Mr. Lucas: "Can we all go home then?"
- Mr. Lucas: "Glass of water for Mr. Grainger"
- All: "They'll ride up with wear"
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- Are You Being Served? at the British Film Institute
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- Grace Brothers' Multimedia Department
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