Are You There, Chelsea?

Are You There, Chelsea? is an American television sitcom, which originally aired on NBC from January 11 to March 28, 2012. Based on Chelsea Handler's 2008 best-selling book Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea, the series follows Chelsea Newman, an outspoken twenty-something cocktail waitress in New Jersey who decides to change her life after receiving a DUI.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Chelsea: [voice-over] The best thing about December 17th was that I finally power-slurped the worm out of a high-end bottle of tequila. The worst thing: I got a DUI and ended up in Essex County Jail. Since it was my first time in lockdown, I didn't know what to expect. My new roommates were mostly inked-up tweakers. Except for one. I don't know what her crime was, but it was obviously fashion-related.

Patty: What are you looking at, Barbie? Think you're better than me?

Chelsea: No. I was just thinking you would benefit from a really good bra.

Patty: Is that your idea of some kind of joke? [gets up and starts walking toward Chelsea]

Chelsea: [voice-over] It was quickly becoming apparent to me that this situation was much more serious than I had realized. Then it hit me... I had to make friends with this woman, really quickly. [kisses Patty]

Patty: I'll be in your bunk an hour after lights out. Mmm. [slaps Chelsea's butt] Wow!

Chelsea: [voice-over] Perhaps I thought too fast. My friendly overture had made the situation even worse. So I did what I do whenever I really screw up... I prayed. [out loud] Are you there, vodka? It's me, Chelsea. I know I messed up, but if you let me out of this cell, I swear I'll turn my life around.

Guard: [shows up and opens the cell door] Hey, blondie. Time to go home.

Chelsea: [looking up] Damn, you're good.

Sloane: Thank you for getting arrested, by the way. I really enjoyed using a prison toilet for the first time. And hopefully my unborn baby will enjoy her chlamydia. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my husband's in Afghanistan, and you're the one who's supposed to drive me to the hospital. I am tired of bailing you out.

Chelsea: Sloane, you never bail me out. [turns to a guard behind her] Yes, I see the irony.

Sloane: I lived with you in the basement for a week after you wrecked dad's car.

Chelsea: Nobody is a good driver when they're 13.

Sloane: And what about the time I handled dad when you and Olivia had those marines in your bedroom?

Chelsea: It was Veterans Day. We were being patriotic.

Sloane: Holding a flag between your legs is not patriotism.

Chelsea: I'm really changing things. I even prayed in the holding cell, Sloane.

Sloane: Vodka is not the Lord.

Chelsea: Are you sure? They're both invisible and have a hand in unexplained pregnancies.

Sloane's Ex [1.02]

Stan: Good evening. What can I get for you?

Chelsea: I will have a margarita, no salt.

Stan: Ha ha. I'm sorry, but we don't serve alcohol here. Um, but if you want a free topper on your popcorn, come back as much as you want. [whispering] They only inventory the bags.

Sloane: Is this your first time ever talking to a woman? We'll take two medium popcorns and two diets, please.

Stan: It's a buck less if you share a large combo.

Chelsea: Oh, no, no. No thanks. My sister does not like sharing.

Sloane: Especially mouth STDs.

Chelsea: Sloane, you're blowing it for me with Stan.

Stan: Not possible. [blinks at Chelsea and walks away]

Sloane: He has a little boner for you.

Chelsea: He's 15. He just has a little boner.

Dee Dee: [referring to Sloane's ex-boyfriend] Chelsea had sex with Matt Gunn. I'm sorry.

Sloane: She slept with him?!

Dee Dee: But he said you were better in bed.

Sloane: [grins] He said that?

Dee Dee: Yeah, he said you're better in bed.

Sloane: Oh, my God! Except for giving birth to what's-her-face, this is the happiest day of my life.

Believe [1.03]

Chelsea: Hey, Dee. I'm heading out.

Dee Dee: Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That's a joke, because I wouldn't do anything.

Chelsea: Why don't you get your butt off the couch and come out with me?

Dee Dee: Oh. No thanks.

Chelsea: So what are you doing?

Dee Dee: Origami. I'm perfecting my swan. Isn't it cool? [in a funny voice, while playing with her origami] "Hello, Chelsea. It seems like it's time for you to go out. It's 7:00!" [back to normal voice] Don't you just love swans?

Chelsea: [takes the origami and proceeds to play with it] If you keep doing origami, you will never have an "ori-gasm."

Olivia: Do you remember what it felt like to be a virgin?

Chelsea: Not really. But I remember it felt wrong.

Strays [1.04]

Rick: Wow. You're being incredibly cool to Nikki.

Chelsea: 23 days until that rabid little hamster gets married and quits her job, which is gonna be great for me. And whether you know it or not, it's actually gonna be better for you.

Rick: I don't know, Chelsea. You know, when she's gone, you might just miss her. 'Cause deep down, she's a really good person. And on the surface, she is a really good person.

Chelsea: Okay. I'm done with you. I'm talking to the boss. [bends down to talk to Rick's penis] Listen, stretch, Nikki Natoli is bad for you. You stay away from her.

Rick: I'm not sure he heard you. You might wanna slap him around a little bit.

Chelsea: I'm sure you beat him enough.

Dee Dee: This morning, I pretended my stuffed animals were the cast of Glee. I videotaped them performing Madonna's Ray of Light album. I was so proud of them.

The Gynecologist [1.05]

Nikki: Carl certainly passed the gentlemen's test. I mean, most guys by now would have already been trying to put their hand up my shirt. Especially since I was basically putting my boobs in his hands.

Chelsea: I know what you mean. I totally respect that Ben looks me in the eye and listens to what I'm saying. But he better ram his Titanic into my iceberg soon.

Nikki: Can I just say something, please? And I hope this doesn't sound shallow 'cause I'm a spiritual person, but come on. I mean, if I were a lesbian, I would not be with a cocktail waitress, okay? I'd be with a lawyer or a talk show host or... Jennifer Aniston.

Dr. Thomas: She's not a lesbian.

Nikki: She would be when I got done with her.

How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying [1.06]

Rick: Hey, did you guys hear about the Hooters that's opening down Route 10?

Chelsea: Hooters? Mm-hmm. Please. I'm gonna open a bar called Wieners. And all the waiters would have to wear a speedo with just the tip of their wiener sticking out of the top.

Rick: Nobody wants to see penis cleavage.

Todd: Especially at my eye level.

Olivia: [referring to her job interview at Tim Cornick's firm] I haven't had a prospect this promising in 2 years. I'm so nervous.

Dee Dee: On The Apprentice the interview is always the most important part. We should practice. Here, Chelsea, you and I will be HR people. I'll be Mrs. Wiggenbottom.

Chelsea: And I'll be Mrs. Take-It-in-the-Bottom.

Dee Dee: Oh, you. Okay. Now, Miss Pack, out of all the qualified applicants, what makes you think we should hire you as assistant copywriter?

Chelsea: Mrs. Wiggenbottom, may I interrupt?

Dee Dee: Oh, yes, of course you may.

Chelsea: Miss Pack, are any of your friends dating Tim Cornick?

Olivia: Yes.

Chelsea: You've got the job.

Dee Dee: That's not how it works. I mean, is that how you got your job, Mrs. Take-It-in-the Bottom?

Chelsea: Yep. And my name.

Dee Dee's Pillow [1.07]

Dee Dee: I'm gonna tell you guys a secret, but you have to promise to never ever tell anyone.

Olivia: Sure.

Chelsea: Promise.

Dee Dee: I have a friend. I bought it when I was 16.

Chelsea: I bought mine when I was 14. But then my mom noticed my trash can was full of batteries and I was back to idling on my brother's moped.

Dee Dee: [holding a pillow] His name is Mario Lopez.

Chelsea: [short pause] That's a pillow.

Dee Dee: I know. But I pretend it's Mario Lopez.

Chelsea: How far do you go with him, Dee Dee?

Dee Dee: All the way to sleep.

Chelsea: That might be the cutest thing I've ever heard.

Sloane: So your problem is that Dee Dee's not mad at you. That's very stupid, Chelsea, even for you.

Chelsea: She's really repressing her feelings.

Sloane: Good. We need more repression. And shame. And guilt. Then maybe we wouldn't see Lindsay Lohan's parent trap every time she hopped out of a Suburban.

Those Damn Yankees [1.08]

Todd: [after the IronPigs walk into the bar] Dudes. Look, it's the IronPigs.

Chelsea: Are you sure it's not Menudo?

Todd: No, they're the Triple-A baseball affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies.

Olivia: Triple-A? That's my bra size.

Chelsea: That's my battery size.

Chelsea: [after Tommy walks into the bar] It's Tommy.

Rick: Did you just flip your hair?

Chelsea: No!

Rick: But you are putting on lip gloss.

Chelsea: I also hedged the runway, do you wanna talk about it?

Fired [1.09]

[Chelsea is waving around a grilled cheese in front of a fasting Dee Dee]

Dee Dee: Stop playing with it and put it in your mouth!

Chelsea: That's not the first time I heard that.

Rick: Chelse, don't tell me what I can't do.

Chelsea: Oh, my God. You are sporting, like, a giant power boner right now.

Rick: No. You just can't handle the fact that I have authority over you.

Chelsea: No, I can't handle the fact that you're being so bossy.

Rick: Right. Nobody can tell you anything. That's why you have such healthy relationships.

Chelsea: Okay, your healthiest relationship in the last 5 years has been with a tub of petroleum jelly.

The Foodie [1.10]

Robert: [in bed with Chelsea] One of my great joys is to cook for my lover and see the pleasure it gives her.

Chelsea: Yeah, I'm not a really big foodie. I'm more of a drinky and a screwy.

[Chelsea introduces her new boyfriend Robert to her friends]

Rick: Hey, man. Oh, nice basket.

Robert: Thank you. I like women.

Rick: Oh. [laughs] No, no, no. I was talking about your picnic basket. I like women, too.

Robert: You're bisexual. Good for you.

Boots [1.11]

Rick: All right, you guys. Go ahead and try this. [gives Chelsea and Olivia each a shooter]

Olivia: [after trying the shooter] Oh, Rick, I'd hate to say this about alcohol in any form, but... Uhh.

Rick: What? What do you mean, "uhh"? It's great. It's lavender-infused vodka with a hint of cream and a cactus liqueur.

Chelsea: That's not a drink. It's a candle you buy at a lesbian bookstore.

Warren: Community service? What'd you get arrested for? Being too hot?

Chelsea: [to Dee Dee] You didn't tell me this was the gifted program.

Dee Dee: [hands Chelsea a file] Here's Warren's work package.

Warren: Speaking of packages...

Chelsea: All right, stud, dial it back.

Surprise [1.12]

Chelsea: [planning a surprise party for Sloane] We'll have some light appetizers, like, you know, cocktails wieners, um, Dee Dee's cake, and then we'll invite some of her church friends. It'll be like a surprise.

Olivia: [gasps] Can we get a stripper?

Chelsea: What do you think I meant by "cocktail wieners"?

[Sloane wakes up at a salon as a Russian esthetician exfoliates her arm]

Sloane: Why is my Pikachu throbbing?

Olga: Because I make it pretty.

Chelsea: You're getting a spa treatment. That's part of your surprise.

Sloane: No! You said we were gonna do nothing.

Chelsea: Well, now we're taking a family photo.

Sloane: A f... That's why you wax me? What kind of family photo are we taking? And what are you scrubbing me with? That hurts!

Olga: There is no beauty without bother, Devchonka.

Sloane: Are you Russian?

Olga: Yes. And so are you, judging by your black forest.

Cast

Laura Prepon – Chelsea Newman
Lenny Clarke – Melvin
Lauren Lapkus – Dee Dee
Jake McDorman – Rick
Mark Povinelli – Todd
Ali Wong – Olivia
Chelsea Handler – Sloane