Avenue Q
Avenue Q is a Tony Award-winning Broadway musical.
Quotes
[edit]"Everyone's a Little Bit Racist"
[edit]- Brian: Hey guys, what are you laughing about?
- Gary: Racism!!
- Brian: Cool!
- Christmas Eve: Brian! Come back here! You take out recycrabres!
- Princeton: What's that mean?
- Brian: Um...recyclables.
- All but Brian: *loud laughter*
- Brian: Hey! Don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?
- Kate : Oh, come off it, Brian! (LYRIC) Everyone's a little bit racist...
- Brian: I'm not!
- Princeton: Oh no?
- Brian: Nope!
- Princeton: Ha!
- Brian: How many Oriental wives have you got?
- Christmas Eve: What?! Brian!
- Princeton: Brian, buddy, where've you been? The term is Asian-American!
- Christmas Eve: I know you are no intending to be, but carring me "Orientar"... offensive to me!
- Christmas Eve: The Jews have all the money and the Whites have all the power, and I'm arways in taxi-cab with driver who no shower!
- Princeton: Me, too!
- Kate: Me, too!
- Gary: I can't even get a taxi!
- Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes.
- Doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes!
- Look around and you will find
- No one's really color-blind.
- Maybe it's a fact we all should face -
- Everyone makes judgments... based on race!
- Ethnic jokes may be uncouth,
- But you laugh because they're based on truth!
- Don't take them as personal attacks.
- Everyone enjoys them... so relax!
- Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true.
- But everyone is just about as racist as you!
- If we all could just admit
- That we are racist a little bit,
- And everyone stopped being so PC,
- Maybe we could live in ... harmony!
- Christmas Eve: Everyone's a rittre bit racist!
- Gary: You were telling a black joke!
- Princeton: Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.
- Gary: I don't.
- Princeton: Well, of course, you don't. You're black! But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?
- Gary: Well, of course, I do. Ha-ha! Those stupid Polacks!
"What Do You Do With A B.A. In English? / It Sucks To Be Me"
[edit]- Princeton: What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet, because I have no skills yet;
The world is a big scary place,
But somehow I can't shake the feeling I might make
A difference to the human race...
- Christmas Eve: Why you all so happy?
- Nicky: Because our lives suck!
- Christmas Eve: Your rives suck? I healing you correctry? Ha! I coming to this country for opportunities. Try to work in Korean deri, but I am Japanese. But with hard work I earn two masters degrees in sociar work and now I a therapist but I have no crients and I have an unemproyed fiancé and we have rots of birrs to pay! It suck to be me. It suck to be me. I say it suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck-a-suck, it suck to be me!
- Kate Monster: I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart.
- Brian:You are.
- Kate Monster: (to Brian) Thanks! I like romantic things like music and art, and as you know I have a gigantic heart! So why don't I have a boyfriend? Fuck! It sucks to be me!
- Gary: I'm Gary Coleman, from T.V.'s Different Strokes. I made a lot of money that got stolen by my folks! Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes but I'm here, the superintendent on Avenue Q!
- Everyone: It sucks to be you!
- Kate: You win.
- Everyone: It sucks to be you!
- Brian: I feel better now.
- Gary: Try having people stopping you to ask you, "What're you talking about, Willis?" It gets old.
"If You Were Gay"
[edit]- Nicky: Well, okay, but just so you know
- if you were gay
- that'd be okay.
- I mean because, hey! Ha!
- I like you anyway!
- Because you see,
- if it were me,
- I would feel free to say
- that I was gay.
- (But I'm not gay.)
- Rod:Nicky,please!I am trying to read!
- (sigh)What?!
- Nicky:If you were queer,
- I'd still be here,
- Year after year,
- Because you're dear
- To me.
- And I know that you,
- Would accept me too,
- If I told you today,
- "Hey!Guess what,I'm gay"
- But I'm not gay.
- I'happy,
- Just being with you.
- Rod:High button shoes,pal Joey...
- Nicky:So what should it,
- Matter to me,
- What you to do in
- With guys?
- Rod:Nicky,that's Gross!
- Nicky:No,it's not!
- If you were gay,
- Rod:Awwh!
- Nicky:I'd shout hooray!
- Rod:I not listening!
- Nicky:And here I'd stay,
- Rod:La la la la la!!
- Nicky:But I wouldn't get
- In your way.
- Rod:Aaaah!
- Nicky: You can count on me
- to always be
- beside you every day,
- to tell you "It's okay,
- you were just born that way,
- and, as they say,
- it's in your DNA!"
- You're GAY!
- Rod: I am NOT gay!
- Nicky: If you WERE gay.
- Rod: Argh!
"Schadenfreude"
[edit]- Nicky: "Schadenfreude", huh? What's that? Some kind of Nazi word?
- Gary Coleman: Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others".
- Nicky: "Happiness at the misfortune of others" ... That is German!
- Gary: Right now you are down and out, and feeling really crappy.
- Nicky: I'll say.
- Gary: And when I see how sad you are, it sort of makes me... happy!
- Nicky: "Happy?!"
- Gary: Sorry, Nicky, human nature, nothing I can do! It's Schadenfreude, making me feel glad that I'm not you!
- Nicky: How about straight A students getting B's?
- Gary: Exes getting STDs!
- Nicky: Waking doormen from their naps!
- Gary: Watching tourist reading maps!
- Nicky: Football players getting tackled!
- Gary: CEOs getting shackled!
- Nicky: Watching actors never reach
- Both: The ending of their Oscar speech!
- Nicky: Being on an elevator when somebody shouts HOLD THE DOOR!!!
- Gary: Oh yeah..
- Both: NO! Schadenfreude!
- Gary: Fuck you, lady! That's what stairs are for!
"The Internet is for Porn"
[edit]- Kate Monster: Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself! And I'm going to teach something relevant, something modern: the internet! (singing) Oh! The Internet is really, really great!
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait!
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: There's always some new site-
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: I browse all day and night-
- Trekkie Monster: For porn!
- Kate Monster: It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light!
- Trekkie Monster: FOR PORN!
- Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!
- Kate Monster: Trekkie!
- Trekkie Monster: The Internet is for porn!
- Kate Monster: What are you doing?
- Trekkie Monster: Why you think the net was born? Porn, porn, porn!
- Trekkie Monster: Me up all night, honking me horn to porn, porn, porn!
- Kate Monster: That's gross! You're a pervert!
- Trekkie Monster: Ah, sticks and stones, Kate Monster!
- Kate Monster: No, really! You're a pervert! Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the Internet.
- Trekkie Monster: Ohhhh?
- Kate Monster: What?
- Trekkie Monster: You have NO idea! Ready, normal people?
- Brian: Ready!
- Princeton: Ready!
- Rod: Ready!
- Gary: Ready!
- Trekkie Monster: Let me hear it!
- Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!
- Princeton: Sorry, Kate.
- Trekkie Monster, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: The Internet is for porn!
- Princeton: I masturbate!
- Trekkie Monster: All these guys unzip their flies for porn, porn, porn!
- Kate Monster: The Internet is NOT for porn!
- Trekkie, Brian, Princeton, Rod, Gary: Porn, porn-!
- Kate Monster: HOLD ON A SECOND!
- Trekkie Monster: What?
- Kate Monster: Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod, check your portfolio and trade stocks online.
- Rod: That's correct.
- Kate Monster: And, Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!
- Brian: Sure!
- Kate Monster: And, Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay.
- Gary: Yes, I do!
- Kate Monster: And, Princeton, you sent me that sweet on-line birthday card.
- Princeton: True.
- Trekkie Monster: Oh, but Kate, what you think he do after, hmmmm?
- Brian, Rod, Gary: [chuckling]
- Princeton: Yeah...
- Kate: EEEEEW!!
- Trekkie Monster: Grab your dick and double-click for porn, porn, porn!
The More You Rove Someone
[edit]- Christmas Eve: Rove...
- Kate Monster: Love...
- Christmas Eve: And hate...
- Kate Monster: Hate...
- Christmas Eve: They rike two brothers...
- Kate Monster: Brothers...
- Christmas Eve: Who go on a date.
- Kate Monster: Who... what!?
"Fantasies Come True"
[edit]- Nicky: I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie.
- Nicky:No, I'll wear the purple shoes, a- who painted the kitten?
- Nicky:: You look like David Hasselhoff.
- Nicky: Hey, Rod, buddy, you're talking in your sleep!
- Rod: I thought you were talking in your sleep!!
- Nicky: No, I just came to bed. You're dreaming, it's all.
- Rod: Oh...
- Nicky: Sounded like a nice dream, though.
- Rod: Yes, it was a nice dream...
- Nicky: Goodnight.
- Rod: Goodnight, Nicky.
"I Wish I Could Go Back to College"
[edit]- Kate: I wish I could go back to college, life was so simple back then.
- Nicky: What would I give, to go back and live, in a dorm with a meal plan again?
- Princeton: I wish I could go back to college, in college you know who you are. You sit in the quad and think, Oh my God, I am totally going to go far!
- All: How do I go back to college? I don't know who I am anymore!
- Princeton: I want to go back to my room and find a message in dry erase pen on the door...whoa whoa whoa...I wish I could just drop a class.
- Nicky: Or get into a play.
- Kate: Or change my major.
- Princeton: Or fuck my T.A.!
- All: I need an academic advisor to point the way! We could be sitting in the computer lab, four a.m. before the final paper is due, cursing the world because I didn't start sooner, and seeing the rest of the class there too! I wish I could go back to college! How do I go back to college?
- Princeton: I wish I had taken more pictures.
- Nicky: But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be. I'd walk through the quad and think, "Oh, my God!"
- All: "These kids are so much younger than me!"
"From Christmas Eve and Brian's wedding"
[edit]- Nicky: So, yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod is, indeed, a closeted homosexual!
- Rod: Nicky! How could you say that about me?!
- Nicky: Uhhh, hi Rod! No, all I said was 'Yes, definitely, I would say that my buddy Rod has... an undescended testicle!'
- Rod: AH! No! I heard you!
- Nicky: Oh, gee, I'm sorry Rod...
- Rod: Uh..! Uh..! Well, I am not a closeted... homo-whatever!
- Kate: So you're saying that you don't want to spend time with me anymore?
- Princeton: No, no, I love being with you.
- Kate: Good, because for a moment I thought--
- Princeton: But I don't want a girlfriend before I find my purpose in life.
- Kate: But Princeto--
- Princeton: It's already settled, Kate! If we stay like this, I promise you we won't even be friends in the end.
- Kate: But I'm not looking for friends. I have plenty of friends.
- Princeton: You like me, don't you?
- Kate: Yes... which is why I think you should get out of here.
- Princeton: You want me to leave?
- Kate: Unless you've got another definition for get out of here.
"My Girlfriend Who Lives in Canada"
[edit]- Rod: Oh, I wish you could meet my girlfriend. My girlfriend who lives in Canada. She couldn't be sweeter, I wish you could meet her! My girlfriend who lives in Canada! Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouver. She cooks like my mother and sucks like a hoover! Ha-ha! I e-mail her every single day just to make sure that everything's okay! It's a pity she lives so far away in Canada! Last week she was here, but she had the flu. Too bad because I wanted to introduce her to you. It's so sad but there wasn't a thing that she could do but stay in bed- with her legs up over her head! Oh! I wish you could meet my girlfriend, but you can't 'cause she is in Canada! I love her, I miss her, I can't wait to kiss her, so soon I'll be off to Alberta! (pause) I mean Vancouver! Shit. Her name is Alberta, she lives in Vancouv-- She's my girlfriend! My wonderful girlfriend! Yes, I have a girlfriend who lives in Canada! And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!
"School For Monsters"
[edit]- Trekkie Monster: Me give you ten million dollars!
- Princeton: Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!
- Trekkie Monster: In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!
"There Is Life Outside Your Apartment"
[edit]- Lady on a building: I'm going to jump!
- All: Don't do it!
- Lady on a building: OK!
In Between Songs
[edit]- Bad Idea Bear: Buy a whole case!
- Princeton: A case of beers? No, I can't get a whole case.
- Bad Idea Bear: But you're on a budget! You're wasting money in the long run if you don't buy in bulk!
- Kate: Hello?
- Mrs. Thistletwat: Good afternoon, Katherine. If you may recall that you were supposed to teach my class this morning while I got my heart replaced. You left the children unattended for three hours! They created their own tribal society and were about to sacrifice poor little Brittany! Where were you?
- Kate: I overslept! I'm so sorry!
- Mrs. Thistletwat: I should never have hired a Monster.
- Kate: What?
- Mrs. Thistletwat: Your race is notoriously lazy!
- Kate: Well, better a Monster than a crabby old bitch!
- Mrs. Thistletwat: Crabby old bitches are the backbone of this nation! I regret the day I hired you!
- Kate: Well, you don't have to worry, because I quit!
- Mrs. Thistletwat: No, I'm going to fire you!
- Kate: Too late, because I quit!
- Mrs. Thistletwat: You're going to Hell, Katherine!
- Kate: SEE YOU THERE, BITCH!
- Lucy the Slut: You're going to show me upstairs, kid?
- Princeton: In a minute, okay, Lucy?
- Lucy the Slut: Okay... Just don't leave my motor running too long.
- Kate: She a friend of yours?
- Princeton: Sort of.
- Kate: Is her name purpose?
At The Around the Clock Cafe
[edit]Lucy: I still haven't figured out where I'm going to crash tonight. Bear: Feel her boob!
Lucy: I dated a monster once, but got sick of picking the fur out of my teeth.
Kate: If your teeth are the problem, I can arrange that you have LESS!
Bear: Why don't you play a drinking game? They are a recipe for fun.
Kate: I don't know any, do you, Princeton?
Bear: I do! It's called "I Bet I Can Drink This Faster Than You Can." GO!
Lucy: (after she finishes singing) Thank you gentlemen and...(short pause) obstacles to those gentlemen.
"For Now"
[edit]All: SEX is only for now! YOUR HAIR is only for now! GEORGE BUSH is only for now!
All: Don't stress! Relax! Let life roll off your backs! Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now!
