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Awkward (TV series)

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Awkward is an American teen comedy-drama television series created by Lauren Iungerich for MTV.

Season 1

[edit]

Pilot [1.01]

[edit]
Jenna: For 15 years, I fantasized about everyone noticing me as I walked down the hall. What would I be wearing? Would every guy worship me? Would I be five inches taller and have porn tits? No, that was not my reality. My moment in the spotlight sucked some serious ass.
Lacey: [to Jenna] Why can't she be like every other teenager and starve herself?
Jenna: It was just a dramatic teenager rant! Not a cry for help. It was a misunderstanding of epic proportions. God, I wanted to die. I mean, you know what I mean.

Knocker Nightmare [1.02]

[edit]
Tamara: Jenna, we got your texts. Where are you on the Britney meter?
Jenna: I may be mid head shave.
Sadie: Maybe people would stop staring at you if you could just finish the abortion your mom botched.
Jenna: In my fantasy scenario, I was gonna be the badass, the rebel, I'd be a legendary sophomore rockstar that no one would ever forget again. But in reality, I had 30 more people taking pictures of my tits.

The Way We Weren't [1.03]

[edit]
Jenna: I was living this magical high school moment that I only thought happened in movies and like most leading ladies, I wanted more. Not more boning. I wasn't starting a lifelong battle with sex addiction. I just wanted more intimacy.
Tamara: If we don't go, then the terrorists win and by terrorists, I mean Sadie.

The Scarlet Eye [1.04]

[edit]
Jenna: [to Tamara] Was there an orgy at Lissa's?
Tamara: Evidently. And get this: I was part of it. I mean I wasn't really part of it, but everyone will think I was. Oh my God, this is so much better than a red cup photo. Now I have red cup on my face!
Ming: Well, I don't know if this will make you feel better, but at least you'll be happy you're not me. When I got home, my parents took the bark control shock collar off our dog and put it on me.
Ming: Do all boners look like weapons?

Jenna Lives [1.05]

[edit]
Jake: [to Jenna] I didn't know you were a smoker.
Jenna: I'm not.
Jake: Well, I hear cancer does make your ass look huge.
Tamara: Your suicide stigma is like the herps. Just when you think it's gone, it comes back.

Queen Bee-atches [1.06]

[edit]
Sadie: If I wrote you an evil letter, you'd better believe I'd sign my name.
Jenna: [to Tamara] What are you doing?
Tamara: Snooping, I found Satan's room!

Over My Dead Body [1.07]

[edit]
Sadie: Oh, look they picked the dead girl to play dead. Congrats Jenna, you've actually become a cliche of yourself.
Lissa: Cliche means stupid, right?
Jenna: [to Matty] So you can sleep with me in private, but you can't talk to me in public? Figure out what you want, Matty because I'm tired of being your secret.

The Adventures of Aunt Ally and the Lil' Bitch [1.08]

[edit]
Jenna: This was coming from a woman who had simply referred to me as "Lil' Bitch" since the day I was born.
Tamara: He looked upset. Boners don't make you upset.
Tamara: [to Jenna] What the hell is going on with your mom? Think she has cancer?
Jenna: Maybe.

My Super Bittersweet Sixteen [1.09]

[edit]
Jenna: If my life had an escape button, I would have checked out for the day. There was only one small problem...
Lacey: Make a wish!
Jenna: It was my Goddamn birthday.
Jenna: As far as I was concerned, fifteen could suck it because sixteen, well, it was starting off pretty damn good.

No Doubt [1.10]

[edit]
Jenna: Watching an emotional train wreck was awesome unless you're the one getting hit.
Lissa: And now everyone probably thinks I'm unstable.
Valerie: Honey, that probably has more to do with your twitchy eye than your outburst.
Matty: Hey, home wrecker! Did I cross a line?
Jenna: No, the line is across my cheek.

I Am Jenna Hamilton [1.11]

[edit]
Jenna: Is there something you want to tell me? Because I'm pretty sure Viera is of the Ellen variety.
Ming: Going with a girlfriend was the only way my parents would let me go, so if I have to let her feel me up at the end of the night, I'm down for the cause.
Lacey: You're embarrassing Jenna.
Jenna: You're both embarrassing Jenna!

Fateful [1.12]

[edit]
Jenna: Thankfully, my dad always had my back.
Kevin: Now, I'm not pushing anything, but if you guys decide to take things to the next level, make sure your wrap up the sausage.
Jenna: Assumption was the mother of all screw-ups.
Ming: We didn't become a billion strong by hanging out in the library.
Lacey: Do you think this push-up bra is doing its job?
Jenna: Yes, but just give it the day off.

Season 2

[edit]

Resolutions [2.01]

[edit]
Tamara: Matty didn't even flinch. He just jet-ski'd past his heartache.
Lissa: By the way, you look skinny.
Sadie: That is something a friend would say, bitch!
Jenna: Val, the cat is imaginary.
Valerie: So is my relationship!

Sex, Lies and the Sanctuary [2.02]

[edit]
Tamara: If you got down and dirty in that hellhole, you have more to worry about than your image. The Sanctuary is the slutty vagina of palace hills, total petri dish.
Matty: Can I borrow your thong?
Jake: Only if you hand wash it.
Ming: Asians aren't magic, they don't have control over everything.
Jenna: Yes, they do. Why do you think our school flag has a dragon on it?

Three's a Crowd [2.03]

[edit]
Jenna: A hot tub equaled one thing: desperation. My mom was desperate for my father's attention and her secret weapon always involved less clothing and more skin.
Tamara: [to Sadie] Son of a bitch! You played me!
Sadie: You're welcome.

Are You There God? It's Me, Jenna [2.04]

[edit]
Clark: I'm not totally sold on the whole Jesus being straight thing. All that time in the desert with 12 dudes and no women...
Sadie: Hobags are relegated to the back of the bus.
Lissa: And then on Sunday, Jesus forgives all your sins and there's a taco party.

My Love is a Black Heart [2.05]

[edit]
Jenna: [to Tamara] Bad breakup?
Tamara: 10.5 on the dick-ter scale.
Tamara: Let me tell you something about Ricky Schwartz. The only time he uses the "L word" is for burritos and lesbian porn.

What Comes First: Sex or Love? [2.06]

[edit]
Jenna: Considering that Ally's longest relationship was with nicotine her spontaneous engagement was kinda sketch.
Sadie: [to Jenna] :What's up, suicidal slut? [shoves a dollar in Jenna's shirt] Get used to it. Sex is gonna pay your way through college. You're welcome.
Lacey: Jenna, contrary to the advice I've been giving Ally; you need to know that every first time is the first time, and it should be special.

Another One Bites the Dust [2.07]

[edit]
Sadie: Where can I get ready?
Tamara: By the dumpster.
Sadie: That's sweet, but I don't have time for a tour of your home.
Tamara: [to Jenna] Jesus, your mom documented high school like it was the best time of her life.
Jenna: And it was.
Jenna and Tamara: Sad.

Time After Time [2.08]

[edit]
Jenna: [to Ally] I guess your plan to ruin my parents' relationship worked. Happy?
Ally: Listen, your Dad's the one who ruined their relationship and it started years ago.
Jenna: What are you talking about?
Ally: Think about it. Why would I hate buzzkill this much for no reason? Because I'm the one who had to pick up the pieces when he screwed over your mom over and over again.
Jenna: [to Ally] You're drunk.
Ally: And you're a dork, but at least I'll be sober tomorrow...for a while.

Homewrecker Hamilton [2.09]

[edit]
Jenna: [to Tamara] What? Why didn't you give me the heads up?
Tamara: I don't know maybe I was busy buying lottery tickets 'cause I'm a freaking psychic.
Matty: You're a bitch.
Sadie: [smiles] I know.
Ming: [to Becca] You know my locker combo?
Becca: I also know your bra size, but I'm not gonna advertise it.

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me [2.10]

[edit]
Lacey: The day I wrote it, my mother laid into me telling me that I wasn't raising you right and instead of tuning her out, I tuned her in. And I did what I never wanted to do: I attacked you the way she has always attacked me and it wasn't right or fair it was just a family pattern that I couldn't break.
Kevin: [to Jenna] When we were young, I did and said a lot of awful things to her. Things she's forgiven but clearly hasn't forgotten. I wasn't always the best guy.
Jenna: Well, let's be real. She hasn't always been the best either.
Kevin: I know, but you've got to cut her some slack. Because what you don't know is that I wasn't always around as much as I should have been and when I was you didn't want me to hold you.
Jenna: That's not true you were the only one who could put me to sleep.
Kevin: ...with your Mom's song. Singing that lullaby was the only way to get you to calm down. She wanted me to be your hero.

Once Upon a Blog [2.11]

[edit]
Tamara: Camp levels out the playing field. Imagine if you guys had hooked up or had sex in a closet or something? Boy, this year would be different.
Valerie: We have two options: 1. You tattoo Jake's name on your arm where it's visible to the viewing public, then you beg him to stay together. He'll say yes because he's a sucker and then never get it removed.

The Other Shoe [2.12]

[edit]
Jenna: For once, the universe was working in my favor. Which was not cause for celebration. It was setting off alarms.
Tamara: I walked in on my Mom making out with her friend Claire.
Jenna: Your mom's gay?
Tamara: No! She's a lesb-utante! She keeps it strictly above the belt, but it was a TS sitch, so my mom's letting me go on the trip to keep me from telling my Grandma. Little does she know, I'm totes equal opportunity!
Sadie: I'm a bitch, but I'm not a heartless bitch.

Season 3

[edit]

Cha-cha-cha-Changes [3.01]

[edit]
Lacey: Did the condom break? Did you even use one?
Jenna: No, it was only one time.
Lacey: It only takes one time.
Jenna: I wasn’t thinking. I was just caught up…
Lacey: In the moment. I know. I’ve been there. Don’t be afraid. If you’re pregnant, chances are, you’ll only be nauseous for a month.
Jenna: Ugh! A month?
Lacey: Or three, but the delivery happens lickety-split unless it gets caught in your underdeveloped tibs and then it could take much longer. But you only have to sit on a donut pillow for a couple weeks which is totally okay because you probably won’t want to eat solids for a while. It’s hard to poop, but a baby is so amazing... once you get some sleep. God, I think the sleep deprivation was worse than the delivery. I couldn’t see straight for months. I really shouldn’t have been driving with an infant in the car.

Responsibly Irresponsible [3.02]

[edit]
Tamara: Rest in peace, Ricky. You douchebag.
Sadie: Thank you, but you can stuff this up your ass. I'm not in mourning and what the hell would a fucking penguin do if I was?

A Little Less Conversation [3.03]

[edit]
Val: [to Jenna] I'm gonna stop you right there, J. When was the last time you had a nut in your mouth?
Jenna: It was a good question.
Sadie: Tell Gingerskank to go fuck herself and then forget I called. I'm fine.

Let's Talk About Sex [3.04]

[edit]
Matty: My mom was right about one thing. You guys are different kinds of people and I'm your kind.
Sadie: Can everyone calm the fuck down? Now!
Kevin: [to Jenna] It doesn't have to make sense to you! It only has to make sense to me! I'm your father.

Indecent Exposure [3.05]

[edit]
Jenna: The morning dig. For my mother, it was the best part of waking up.
Val: I am an expert at getting men to leave my pad.
Tamara: Ricky, were you attracted to Sadie's manish appearance because you were gay?

That Girl Strikes Again [3.06]

[edit]
Jenna: It was Halloween. That special time of year where students everywhere honored the dead by dressing as sluts.
Sadie: Jenna, I love your costume.
Jenna: I'm not wearing a costume.
Sadie: Really? Because you are the best loser I've seen all morning.
Tamara: You're the shit. So put your hater shades on and black out her vibes.

Guilt Trippin' [3.07]

[edit]
Val: Aw, it is so sweet of you to take an interest in the bottom feeders of the social aquarium, but I cannot discuss other student's problems.
Sadie: [to Clark] Watch it with the 'tude, Twiggy or I will break you in half?
Clark: With your giant man hands?

Rubbed Raw and Reeling [3.08]

[edit]
Tamara: No, those are rabid fangirls waiting for you to slip and crack your head. Remember, today's fanclub is tomorrow's console patrol.

Reality Check [3.09]

[edit]
Tamara: You have everything you ever wanted. Why are you trying to sabotage it?
Tamara: [to Jenna] Stop being so dramastic, Hamilton.

Redefining Jenna [3.10]

[edit]
Jenna: [to Matty] Because you're embarrassing me and I have never embarrassed you.
Matty: Oh, really? What about the start of sophomore year when everyone thought you tried to kill yourself?
Jenna: I didn't try to kill myself.
Matty: I know that now, but I didn't know that then. I thought it was because of me.
Jenna: You? Why you?
Matty: Because you had your accident that same day we slept together. How do you think that fucked with my head? You didn't even try to explain it to me. Instead, you obsessively stared at me from a distance for weeks. What was I supposed to think?
Jenna: You didn't want to be seen with me!
Matty: Because I was mortified!

Surprise! [3.11]

[edit]
Sadie: [to Jenna] You need to watch it.
Jenna: Watch what?
Sadie: Whatever it is that is going on between the two of you. Even though Matty is blind to your treachery, I'm not. I know when something is up and something is definitely up.
Tamara: This is Bonkey Kong.
Jenna: [to Ming] The Mafia knows?
Ming: Is that a rhetorical question? Of course we do! We're magic.

And Then What Happened [3.12]

[edit]
Val: Nothing to see here! Let’s just put on some music and roll out the snacks! It’s a fucking party, people, so let’s party!
Sadie: Oh Hameltoe. How you never cease to disappoint.
Jenna: [to Matty] I can’t go back.
Matty: Are you breaking up with me?
Jenna: No, we’re breaking up with each other because this must have happened for a reason and I can’t look at you and wonder if you still see me as the girl you fell in love with before this happened.

Taking Sides [3.13]

[edit]
Tamara: I punch the guy one time and you Chris Brown-ify me.
Sadie: What kind of fucked up, post-apocalyptic world do we live in where Jenna gets to call the shots?
Matty: That’s why I think we should get back together. I still love you Jenna. I just don’t understand how we could be the way we were, and then shut it all off. So why not start over?
Jenna: I can’t.
Matty: If I can, you can.
Jenna: I can’t.
Matty: Why not?
Jenna: Because I don’t want to. I just need a break.

The Bad Seed [3.14]

[edit]
Sadie: I don’t know what’s worse: living with a budget or living with a bitch.
Lissa: I’d say the budget, you live with yourself every day.
Sadie: [to Jenna] Colin is gonna leave you high and dry just like you did with Matty. What goes around comes around and karma’s a bitch.
Jenna: Is that why you’re broke and homeless?
Ally: [to Sadie] And you, little bitch, are the best argument for abortion.
Sadie: Agreed!

A Very Special Episode of Awkward [3.15]

[edit]
Sadie: Jenna, you have a problem: you’re an asshole.
Lacey: [to Sadie] Someone wants your advice?
Sadie: Yes, and here’s a tip for free: That top comes in your size too. We already know your boobs are huge.
Jenna: [to Matty] Thank you for being my hero.
Matty: It’s all I ever wanted to be.

The Campaign Fail [3.17]

[edit]
Tamara: Do you think people will know I spelled "president" with a "Z" on purpose? No one’s gonna vote for me if they think I’m a dumbass.
Sadie: As much as it paints me to say your essay is awesome. I am impressed. It is way more barbaric than anything I could’ve written.

Old Jenna [3.18]

[edit]
Tamara: Sometimes my mouth keeps moving before I can even think about what’s coming out of it.

Who I Want to Be [3.20]

[edit]
Lacey: Without the bad days, we can never appreciate the good ones and there are so many good days coming your way. Just do me a favor, forgive yourself like you forgave me.
Sadie: If you tell anyone, I’m having this soft side moment, I swear I will cut you.
Ally: Suck it up. Big girls don’t cry.
Sadie: Whore.
Ally: Bitch.

Season 4

[edit]

Sophomore Sluts [4.04]

[edit]
Tamara: Do I hear a bitch-pitch in your voice?

Overnight [4.05]

[edit]
Tamara: O to the M to the F to the G. This place is a Pinterest board full of bangable dudes.
Eva: Sadie, I really admire how comfortable you are with your body. You're so brave.
Sadie: I'm not brave. I have amazing tits unlike you and your sad floppers.

After Hours [4.07]

[edit]
Tamara: Eva, you neglected to tell us this place is on the corner of Hep C and Rape.
Tamara: Playing matchmaker with an ex proves you've gone from "Point A" to "Point Cray."
Lacey: I am so sorry, sweetie. I'm just going to be a bad parent and pretend I didn't see any of this.

Prison Breaks [4.08]

[edit]
Sadie: The only thing worse than getting dumped is a eat, pray, suck road trip with you two morons. Good luck with Crossroads 2!
Shane: Do you just blurt out every offensive thing you think?
Tamara: No, it's actually carefully curated.

My Personal Statement [4.09]

[edit]
Jenna: Here's the deal, Eva. Things aren't great between Matty and I right now, but I know Matty McKibben and he would never fuck you in my bed, so I don't know what kind of game this is you're playing, but count me out. But, hey, nice try.

Snow Job [4.10-4.11]

[edit]
Sadie: Matty, can you get rid of the barnacle for a second so we can talk skiing.
Kevin: Are you still afraid of the lift?
Lacey: Are you still afraid of me ripping your balls off? Because you should be.

Finals [4.12]

[edit]
Tamara: Who's auditioning for Teen Mom 3?
Jenna: I have no idea.
Tamara: Is it you? Luke sperminated and terminated you? I will just defer college and we'll raise this baby together in a non-sexual life partnership. No offense, you're not really my type. Now, what are we thinking for the nursery?
Jenna: He said I was a good person.
Lacey: That son of a bitch.

Welcome to Hell [4.14]

[edit]
Jenna: I still hadn’t told Tamara about my own bananagans. Knowing that I took Owen’s v-card had really thrown me for a loop. I was not ready for a serious relationship with a sophomore.
Tamara: That pathetic putz Pete obviously assly assessed my assets.

Bonfire of the Vanities [4.15]

[edit]
Tamara: Seniors, this is our last bonfire, so enjoy it even though 50 percent of our class doesn't deserve to live.
Sadie: They’re also conniving whores who come with a side of herpes. Enjoy your itchy, burning peen.

The New Sex Deal [4.17]

[edit]
Tamara: Uh, Google Earth to Jenna, BJ’s are like flowers for dudes. You ruined them too.
Sadie: Sorry Val, can’t join you in your suicide spinster pact just yet.

Girl Rules [4.18]

[edit]
Jenna: You just thought you’d way overstep your nonexistent boundaries and interfere with my life for the millionth time?
Sadie: Don’t use my real name!
Tamara: Why not? It sounds like a stripper name.

Over the Hump [4.19]

[edit]
Tamara: What’s with Intimidation Nation? I thought you were tight with “Gab” and her crew?
Jake: But maybe you’re not as big a bitch as you want everyone to think you are.
Sadie: No, I totally am.

Sprang Break [4.20-4.21]

[edit]
Sadie: Don’t make me seem like a heartless bitch just because I have higher aspirations than going to a JC and working on a food truck.
Lissa: Live it up, laugh it up, bitches!
Sadie: [to Jenna] Hey Hamiltamp, looks like Matty and Gabby are going fishing. Maybe you should go with them and stick whatever’s at the end of that string in the chum box. No telling what you might pull out of the ocean.
Sadie: Sergio, I didn’t mean to be such a bitch.
Sergio: Oh bullshit, you’re a finely tuned bitch machine, sedita.

Season 5

[edit]

Prank Amateurs [5.01]

[edit]
Tamara: Dear Prudence, what's up? That goodbye kiss was more like a good dry kiss.
Valerie: Jenna, are you running through the hallway naked? Oh wait, you just reminded me that I need a haircut. Don't ruin the rest of your senior year by being a reckless nudist.

Short Circuit Party [5.02]

[edit]
Tamara: [to Sadie] Your turn.
Sadie: Hell no. I don't do custodial.
Tamara: Nice work. At least they didn't call the cops.
Jenna: My husband's going to be very upset when I don't come home with his vodka.

Jenna in Wonderland [5.03]

[edit]
Matty: What is that?
Tamara: Your bender is a trender.
Tamara: Put a flavored condom on your head because your mind as about to be blown. Jenna. you are legit popular.

Now You See Me, Now I Don't [5.04]

[edit]
Sadie: Ally, what are you doing here? I told security to keep all drunk hags out.
Kyle: I'm sorry, Matty. Run ins with your ex can be hard.
Matty: Me and Jenna are OK.
Kyle: I was talking about you and Jake.

The Dis-Engagement Dinner [5.05]

[edit]
Tamara: I'll break up with him in the morning. It'll be better over brunch. A brunch up.
Tamara: Hey, everyone. It looks like someone put a wish in the Tamara and Adam wish bowl.
Sadie: Um, what the fuck is that?

Don't Dream It's Over [5.06]

[edit]
Tamara: [to Jenna] What would you know about a real relationship?
Jenna: What does that mean?
Tamara: You fuck up all your relationships.
Tamara: No, don't ralf and roll all over my seats. My mom will go full American Psycho.

The Big Reveal [5.07]

[edit]
Ally: Relax, it's not like I'm rushing to tell anyone your mom's having another little bitch.
Sadie: Earth to Hamel-tard. You're blocking my way.

An Indecent Proposal [5.08]

[edit]
Sadie: Sergio, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't give a fuck about the food truck. I have real world problems.
Lissa: I can't believe your attitude. You're the head of the prom committee. Show a little respect.

Say No to the Dress [5.09]

[edit]
Tamara: I'm sorry I ruined your emergency dress surgery. I am no Molly Ringwald.
Tamara: Jenna, this isn't your first senior prom. You went in utero.

Reality Does Not Bite [5.10]

[edit]
Lissa: Sadie, you came back. I knew you wouldn't abandon me at prom. Isn't this a dream?
Sadie: I'm about five drinks away from a dream.
Lacey: [to Jenna] What are you doing home? Is it over? Oh my God. Did prom burn down?
Jenna: No, just my night.

The Graduates [5.11]

[edit]
Sadie: Jesus, are you done? Now get the fuck out of my room.
Jenna: Her harsh truth may hurt sometimes, but it was our harsh truth.

Holding On and Letting Go [5.12]

[edit]
Jenna: There were so many things I never got to do with Matty, so I was determined to make it count.
Sadie: [to Sergio] What are you doing here?
Sergio: Trying to build some business and thought you might want to see me.

WTF Happened Last Year [5.14]

[edit]
[At an upscale chic fashion boutique in New York to clerk who has short platinum blonde hair who has informed Jenna of a grossly overpriced tag]
Sadie: Chop chop. You work retail so work it Tilda Skankton.

Happy Campers, Happier Trails [5.24]

[edit]
Jenna: [last lines] I felt like there was a warm, glowing fire inside of me. I was ready to move forward, full of hope and excitement and, yeah, some fear and anxiety too. I had a great family, wonderful friends, and a soul mate. Even if Matty and I were going off in different directions, the one thing that I knew for sure was that in some way we would always be together. There's all this love if you need it and this made me feel safer as I stepped back out into the great unknown that was my future.

Cast

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