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- [to his therapist] I was, uh, I was always very shy when it came to girls. I - I remember when I was a little boy, I - I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille, and I - I used to rub the dirty parts. And I, um, I guess I had a good relationship with my parents. I - I - I - they very rarely h- I think they hit me once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December, 1942 and stopped beating me in the late spring of '44. Um, I don't know, I was a nervous child. I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, I, uh, used to sleep with an electric blanket, and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
- You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.
- Although the United States is, uh, a very rich country and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there, uh, there are locusts. Uh, we have more locusts than...uh, locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos...despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country, he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin.
- We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there.
- Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for, Hitler?
- Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing.
- Don Dunphy: Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the little republic of San Marcos where we're going to bring you a live, on the spot assassination. They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country and replace him with a military dictatorship. And everybody is about as excited and tense as can be. The weather on this Sunday afternoon is perfect; and if you've just joined us, we've seen a series of colorful riots that started with the traditional bombing of the American embassy - a ritual as old as the city itself.
- Howard Cosell: This is tremendous, Don, just tremendous. The atmosphere heavy, uncertain, overtones of ugliness. A reminder, in a way, of how it was in March of 1964 at Miami Beach when Clay met Liston for the first time and nobody was certain how it would turn out. The crowd is tense; they've been here since ten this morning. And... and I think I see... the door beginning to open. El Presidente may be coming out. The door opens. It's he... it's El Presidente waving at the crowd. A shot rings out! He turns... he runs back toward the building, trying to get in. This crowd is going wild. He's caught in a crossfire of bullets. And down! It's over! It's all over for El Presidente!
- Fielding Mellish: You uhhh, you busy tonight?
- Norma: Some old friends are coming over. We're going to show some pornographic movies.
- Fielding Mellish: You need an usher?
- Fielding Mellish: I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.
- Nancy: I know just what you mean! ]
- Fielding Mellish: I've read Kierkegaard.
- Nancy: Oh, well, he's Danish.
- Fielding Mellish: Yes... he would be the first to admit it.
- Nancy: Have you ever been to Denmark?
- Fielding Mellish: I've been, yes... to the Vatican.
- Nancy: The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.
- Fielding Mellish: Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.
- Nancy: You're immature, Fielding.
- Fielding Mellish: [whining] How am I immature?
- Nancy: Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.
- Fielding Mellish: Yeah, but what other ways?
- Esposito: You have a chance to die for freedom.
- Fielding Mellish: Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.
- Rebel Leader: You are accused of killing over a thousand people in your term of office... of torturing hundreds of women and children. How do you plead?
- Diaz: Guilty... with an explanation.
- Esposito: From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!
- Fielding Mellish: What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?
- Prosecutor: Tell the court why you think he is a traitor to this country.
- Miss America: I think Mr. Mellish is a traitor to this country because his views are different from the views of the president and others of his kind. Differences of opinion should be tolerated, but not when they're too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.
- Fielding Mellish: I object, Your Honor! This trial is a travesty! It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham! I call a mistrial Your Honor! Do you realize there is not one homosexual in the jury?
- Judge: Yes there is!
- Fielding Mellish: Really? Which one? Is it that big guy at the end?
- Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
- Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?
- Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
- Fielding Mellish: OK, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
- Woody Allen - Fielding Mellish
- Louise Lasser - Nancy
- Carlos Montalban - Gen. Emilio M. Vargas
- David Ortiz - Sanchez
- Natividad Abascal - Yolanda
- Dorothi Fox - J. Edgar Hoover
- Dan Frazer - Priest
- Howard Cosell - Himself
- Don Dunphy - Himself
- Roger Grimsby - Himself