Wojo: She wants to know if it's true they don't let Polish cops carry guns.
Barney: Tell her you got a gun.
Wojo: I got a gun.
Fish: Of course, it keeps us on our toes.
Barney: [on the phone] Liz, this is ridiculous! I cannot make the choice between the prevention of a major crime and the correction of my son's overbite! Particularly when the overbite runs on your side of the family.
Yemana: [answering the telephone] Twelfth Precinct, Sergeant Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? A Studebaker. Will you describe the car, please? Black fenders, silver doors, green hood, polka-dot seat covers, monkey-fur dashboard—maybe it wasn't stolen; maybe it ran away.
Wentworth: Captain Miller, this was not my collar.
Barney: I'm aware of that.
Wentworth: Then why do I have to type it up?
Barney: Because, Wentworth, we make no distinction here between male and female. You're just another cop. Who happens to be a good typist.
Wentworth: It also happens, Captain, that I fired "expert" at the Police Academy.
Fish: I've been eating prunes for 40 years. When I was 13, I gave a girl a necklace of prune pits. Her mother thought I was in voodoo.
Wojo: My old man never took us on a vacation. He didn't believe in them. Thought they were slothful. He used to have us all working on Easter Sunday. He'd say, uh, 'If the Lord can get up and move a rock, so can you!'
Fish: Look, you can't stop the years from passing by. There comes a time when changes have to be made. Someone younger and stronger comes along to fill your shoes and a person has to gracefully step aside. Well, I'm not willing to do that. The way I figure, I'm worth more on restricted duty than all of you put together on full time. Good night, gentlemen.
Chano: I'll tell you, I can't understand it. The greatest city in the world and we're going broke.
Yemana: It's the off-track betting. The losers are all in New York and the winners are all in New Jersey.
Wojo: You guys can just laugh and joke all you want, but there are people out there and they still depend on us. And they need us. And I don't care if they close this place down or not. I'm not ready to turn this city over to a bunch of hoodlums and rip-off artists! [dramatic exit]
Crowley: [taking the arrest complaint to the man who picked his pocket] Read this for me, wilya? I can't see without my glasses.
Jackson: It's your standard felony complaint 155-34. It ought to get me about 1 to 5. With good behavior I should back on the streets in '77. A little more resentful towards society. With a little less faith in the capacity of human beings to forgive.
Crowley: Hey, wait a minute. I didn't steal your wallet. You stole mine.
Jackson: Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..
Crowley: The Lord gots nothing to do with this. The Lord didn't walk into that bar and steal my wallet.
Jackson: You got a chance here to teach a person a great moral lesson. You know what? Get lost.
Jackson: Careful with my hands. My fingers are my life.
Mr. Burgess: [complaining about having to wait to apply for a gun permit] What am I supposed to do? I mean, what if I get held up in the meantime?
Chano: Okay, Mr. Burgess, okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. Now you take your finger, point it at me, and say "Stick 'em up." [Burgess hesitates] Come on.
Mr. Burgess: Stick 'em up.
Chano: See, here's what you do if you're smart. Here, take this. There's my wallet, there's my keys, huh? There's my comb. See? You understand? That's how you fool them, Mr. Burgess, huh? Because nothing you give them is worth much anyway, right? So, he gets nothing, and you live to buy more junk until the next idiot comes along and says, "Stick 'em up." [He takes his belongings back.] But the fewer guns there are out there, Mr. Burgess, the less guys there will be to come around and say, "Stick 'em up." And someday, si Dios quiere, your junk will be safe! In the meantime, get out of here.
Mr. Burgess: I'm going to move someplace where the police have everything under control.
Chano: Yeah? All right, go to Miami and turn left to Havana!
[Fish has brought Hurley, who was caught naked in a laundromat]
Hurley: I s'pose you guys never take your clothes off.
Dr. Esterhazy: Now card Number 4, Sergeant Yemana. What does the inkblot suggest to you?
Yemana: Uh. An elephant wearing a hat.
Dr. Esterhazy: Now turn the card around. Now what does the inkblot suggest to you?
Yemana: An elephant lying on his back. Wearing a hat.
Luger: You know Nathan, it seems to me that you got a lot to learn about the police department. And I want you to know my men continuously conduct themselves in a legal and orderly manner. Especially when dealing with the public, most of whom are freaks any way.