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- Mom: Rachel! David! Breakfast! Barney, get the kids up for breakfast!
- Yemana: Hey, anybody want to work Vice tomorrow?
- Harris: Me! I'll take it!
- Yemana: You worked Vice last week.
- Harris: I'm a policeman, baby! I goes where I'm needed!
- Liz: Would you consider not going to work today and taking me for a drive in the country?
- Barney: Liz, you heard the radio: shootings, bombings. It's my busy season.
- [Barney and Wojo are on the same phone line at the same time while standing right next to each other]
- Barney: Hello? Hello?
- Wojo: Hello?
- Barney: Hello, bomb disposal?
- Wojo: No, this is Wojciehowicz.
- Barney: Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal.
- Wojo: Who's this?
- Barney: Barney!
- Wojo: Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going?
- Barney: GET OFF THE LINE!
- Barney: I think of you as experienced. In an emergency, you would be the first one that I'd call.
- Fish: You should call me first. I need time to put my teeth in.
Snow Job [1.03]
- Chano: Hey, Fish! You wouldn't believe what makes a guy like that do what he does, man.
- Fish: It's the weather. When it gets damp and cold people get depressed, irritable and unpleasant. In the winter, Scandinavia has more lunatics per capita than any other country in the world.
- Chano: No kidding!
- Fish: Bernice is Scandinavian, but only on her mother's side. She usually cheers up around... the middle of February.
- Barney: [to former Det. Kelly] Hello, Kelly. What are you doing here?
- Fish: Making friends.
- Barney: How do you like Narcotics?
- Yemana: They haven't helped him a bit.
- Wojo: Hey, Barney? If a police officer loses his badge, does he report it to his superior or just wait til somebody turns it in?
- Barney: He reports it to his superior officer.
- Wojo: I lost my badge.
The Courtesans [1.05]
- Wojo: No lady sleeps with a man for money... What brings you up here, Mrs. Miller?
- Liz: I came to get a check from Barney.
- Chano: [booking a Puerto Rican hooker] Miss del Fuego. I came from a very small fishing village in Puerto Rico.
- Del Fuego: Me, too.
- Chano: I came here. I worked very hard. I learned to speak English.
- Del Fuego: Me, too.
- Chano: And today I am proud to serve the public and be known as one of New York's finest.
- Del Fuego: Me, too!
- [Wojo and Mrs. Stavochek talk to each other in Polish]
- Fish: What did she say?
- Wojo: She wants to know if it's true they don't let Polish cops carry guns.
- Barney: Tell her you got a gun.
- Wojo: I got a gun.
- Fish: Of course, it keeps us on our toes.
- Barney: [on the phone] Liz, this is ridiculous! I cannot make the choice between the prevention of a major crime and the correction of my son's overbite! Particularly when the overbite runs on your side of the family.
- Yemana: Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel?
- Murray: Here it's called lox.
- Yemana: The hell it is. We had it before you did.
- Fish: Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home, where it's necessary.
Ms. Cop [1.08]
- Yemana: [answering the telephone] Twelfth Precinct, Sergeant Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravelli? A Studebaker. Will you describe the car, please? Black fenders, silver doors, green hood, polka-dot seat covers, monkey-fur dashboard—maybe it wasn't stolen; maybe it ran away.
- Wentworth: Captain Miller, this was not my collar.
- Barney: I'm aware of that.
- Wentworth: Then why do I have to type it up?
- Barney: Because, Wentworth, we make no distinction here between male and female. You're just another cop. Who happens to be a good typist.
- Wentworth: It also happens, Captain, that I fired "expert" at the Police Academy.
- Barney: Good! Then don't type them. Shoot them.
The Guest [1.10]
- Mr. Schuster: I didn't know Orientals had a sense of humor.
- Yemana: Are you kidding? We invented gunpowder.
Escape Artist [1.11]
- Barney: Anything happening I should know about?
- Everyone: Harris is writing a book.
- Barney: A capella. Pretty good. I had in mind something more in the nature of a crime.
- Yemana: The coffee.
- Barney: I would hesitate to call our coffee a crime. A shame maybe... [takes a sip of the coffee] Oh, that's a crime.
- Jeffers: "Logical consequences are the scarecrows of fools and the beacons of wise men."
- Harris: This cat is dynamite. I'm going to write that down.
- Barney: It seems you found an admirer.
- Jeffers: Do me a favor—don't tell him it's from Aldous Huxley until after I leave.
- Yemana: You know those cute little Japanese dolls that you rub on the belly for luck?
- Barney: Yeah.
- Yemana: I'm taking one out to dinner tonight.
The Hero [1.13]
- Barney: Nick, where do we keep the office supply vouchers?
- Yemana: Look in the file under O. Or S. Or V. If not, then M, for miscellaneous. And if you don't find it in M, they're lost.
- Barney: Then I look under L?
- Yemana: Good a place as any.
- Barney: Did you ever wonder why the sperm whale, which is the largest mammal on the face of the earth, has a throat about that size? [forms a circle with his thumb and fingers]
- Chano: Yeah. You know, I always did wonder. Why is that?
- Barney: Because that's the way it is. And there ain't anything you can do about it.
- Webber: You put your faith in somebody and they just make a fool of you. I am sick and tired of being lied to, and robbed, and poisoned!
- Fish: That's the wrong way, Mr. Webber. First try a divorce.
- Webber: Corruption. Treachery. Fighting in the streets. Pollution. There's nowhere to hide.
- Barney: You're not supposed to hide. You're supposed to try and make it better.
The Social Worker [2.02]
- Barney: Fish, what did the doctor say?
- Fish: He said I was at-- at the time of my life when my body is going through changes.
- Barney: Sounds like menopause.
- Fish: It is menopause. I caught it from Bernice.
- Barney: You know, you kiss good for a social worker.
- Liz: Oh, thanks. Thanks. My field supervisor will be very pleased. She asked me if I had good relations with the police.
- Barney: What did you tell her?
- Liz: I said, uh, whenever I could.
The Layoff [2.03]
- Fish: Women are such fools for stuff like this. Bernice would do anything for a fur coat. If she could do anything.
- Harris: Hey, man. They already closed down three fire stations. They could do the same thing to us.
- Chano: Not as long as there's more crimes than fires. You see the thing is people commit crimes to eat. But people don't set fires to eat.
- Fish: They do if they want something hot.
- Chano: Mr. Ditka, what are you doing up on a roof cleaning your rifle? Why don't you clean your rifle in your apartment?
- Ditka: I like to be in full view of the local youth. Just another way of saying: 'Emile Ditka's got a gun'.
- Fish: Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police?
- Barney: The old chief passed away.
- Fish: He died of boredom. He was sitting behind his desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him.
Heat Wave [2.05]
- Wojo: I got a look at him, and I'll know him when I see him again 'cause I marked him.
- Barney: You shot him?
- Wojo: I bit him in the neck.
- Harris: [about the non-working fan] Hey, it can't be turned on, it's not doing anything!
- Fish: My very words to Bernice.
The Arsonist [2.06]
- Wojo: Oh, Harris has got another theory. Sherlock Holmes.
- Harris: I mean, psychology is a very important part of modern criminology.
- [Wojo blows a raspberry]
- Barney: Wojo, hold off your rebuttal 'til later.
- Barney: Oh, Wojo. Wonderful to see you again.
- Wojo: Oh, yeah, uh, I overslept a little.
- Barney: Didn't your alarm go off?
- Wojo: Yeah, it went off. But I was in a different borough at the time.
Grand Hotel [2.07]
- Fish: I've been eating prunes for 40 years. When I was 13, I gave a girl a necklace of prune pits. Her mother thought I was in voodoo.
- Wojo: My old man never took us on a vacation. He didn't believe in them. Thought they were slothful. He used to have us all working on Easter Sunday. He'd say, uh, 'If the Lord can get up and move a rock, so can you!'
- Fish: [on the phone] Lady, who you gonna listen to, me or your computer?
- Barney: [to Yemana] Doesn't look good.
- Fish: You won't believe this, but according to their records I'm deceased.
- Barney: It's probably a mistake.
- Fish: I wonder.
- Driscoll: You know, you look exactly like Boris Karloff.
- Fish: That's because we're both dead.
You Dirty Rat [2.09]
- Barney: How do you feel?
- Fish: Fine, fine, fine. It's just a little stone from eating the wrong foods.
- Barney: You'd better call Bernice. She was very worried.
- Fish: I intend to. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
- Wojo: I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.
- Chano: Yeah, that's it.
- Wojo: There's eighteen now.
- Chano: What?
- Barney: Eighteen? You sure?
- Wojo: I just counted it.
- Barney: Count it again.
- Chano: You must have made a mistake, Wojo.
- Wojo: I didn't make a mistake.
- Yemana: Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke—not that fast.
Horse Thief [2.10]
- Barney: This is beautiful. Rioting, fistfights, vandalism—it's a lovely way to celebrate the bicentennial.
- Fish: You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.
- Barney: Detective Wojciehowicz is going send out an APB on the missing animal. Do you have a description?
- Wojo: Oh, yeah: Brown eyes, brown hair, two white stockings, stands about 6' 3", and weighs about 1,200 pounds. Hey, Barn? Whadya say we don't tell 'em it's a horse?
- Barney: I think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.
- Barney: [after his blow up] Listen everyone... I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm the one who's always saying "keep things in perspective" and...
- Harris: Hey forget it, Barney. We were all depressed tonight.
- Fish: You're just the first person to put it into screams.
- Fish: No, ma'am. I don't think the Hudson will overflow its banks. Would you leave a nice soft bed to flow through a cold, dirty city like New York?
- Fish: Look, you can't stop the years from passing by. There comes a time when changes have to be made. Someone younger and stronger comes along to fill your shoes and a person has to gracefully step aside. Well, I'm not willing to do that. The way I figure, I'm worth more on restricted duty than all of you put together on full time. Good night, gentlemen.
- Chano: I'll tell you, I can't understand it. The greatest city in the world and we're going broke.
- Yemana: It's the off-track betting. The losers are all in New York and the winners are all in New Jersey.
Hot Dogs [2.13]
- Luger: However, I want you two ladies to know that I got nothing against ya. Which is why, at one time, I almost married one of your kind.
- Fish: Nick, my doctor says I have to lose 15 pounds—any suggestions?
- Yemana: You know what they say is the best way to knock off calories?
- Fish: What?
- Yemana: Sex.
- Fish: Really? [thinks] Who do I know that also needs to lose weight?
- Wojo: You guys can just laugh and joke all you want, but there are people out there and they still depend on us. And they need us. And I don't care if they close this place down or not. I'm not ready to turn this city over to a bunch of hoodlums and rip-off artists! [dramatic exit]
- Yemana: So that's the Scarlet Pimpernel.
- Wojo: What's going to happen to this city if the police go out of business?
- Fish: Crime will run rampant. There will be chaos in the streets. People will live in fear behind locked doors and it will be every man for himself.
- Yemana: That's the way it is now.
Happy New Year [2.15]
- Crowley: [taking the arrest complaint to the man who picked his pocket] Read this for me, wilya? I can't see without my glasses.
- Jackson: It's your standard felony complaint 155-34. It ought to get me about 1 to 5. With good behavior I should back on the streets in '77. A little more resentful towards society. With a little less faith in the capacity of human beings to forgive.
- Crowley: Hey, wait a minute. I didn't steal your wallet. You stole mine.
- Jackson: Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord..
- Crowley: The Lord gots nothing to do with this. The Lord didn't walk into that bar and steal my wallet.
- Jackson: You got a chance here to teach a person a great moral lesson. You know what? Get lost.
- Jackson: Careful with my hands. My fingers are my life.
- Harris: Pianist?
- Chano: Pickpocket.
- Chano: Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Just like always.
- Wojo: You'd think some guy walking around the street with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention, wouldn't you?
- Barney: Maybe if he didn't have any clothes on.
- Chano: Maybe.
- Fish: Mr. Hackler, tell me the truth. All kidding aside, do you really believe you've been up there?
- Hackler: Absolutely.
- Fish: I'm just curious. What's it like?
- Hackler: It's heaven.
- Fish: So if Saturn is heaven, then hell is...?
- Hackler: Philadelphia.
Fear of Flying [2.17]
- Wojo: Barn. I got a confession to make.
- Barney: What's that?
- Wojo: I got sick on the plane.
- Barney: Oh listen, that happens to everybody. I myself have used those little bags many times.
- Wojo: What little bags?
- Mr. Woolen: [on the $3,500 he found] Obviously, someone lost it, so I'd like to turn it in.
- Fish: Anybody see you pick it up?
- Mr. Woolen: I don't think so.
- Harris: Does anybody else know you found this money?
- Mr. Woolen: No.
- Fish: [looking in packet] There's nothing else in here. No identification. No name.
- Mr. Woolen: I realize that.
- Harris: You know, Mr. Woolen, if you ever decide to run for President, you've got my vote.
Block Party [2.18]
- Mr. Burgess: [complaining about having to wait to apply for a gun permit] What am I supposed to do? I mean, what if I get held up in the meantime?
- Chano: Okay, Mr. Burgess, okay, I'm gonna tell you what to do. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. Now you take your finger, point it at me, and say "Stick 'em up." [Burgess hesitates] Come on.
- Mr. Burgess: Stick 'em up.
- Chano: See, here's what you do if you're smart. Here, take this. There's my wallet, there's my keys, huh? There's my comb. See? You understand? That's how you fool them, Mr. Burgess, huh? Because nothing you give them is worth much anyway, right? So, he gets nothing, and you live to buy more junk until the next idiot comes along and says, "Stick 'em up." [He takes his belongings back.] But the fewer guns there are out there, Mr. Burgess, the less guys there will be to come around and say, "Stick 'em up." And someday, si Dios quiere, your junk will be safe! In the meantime, get out of here.
- Mr. Burgess: I'm going to move someplace where the police have everything under control.
- Chano: Yeah? All right, go to Miami and turn left to Havana!
- [Fish has brought Hurley, who was caught naked in a laundromat]
- Hurley: I s'pose you guys never take your clothes off.
- Barney: Not in a laundromat.
- Fish: Or with the lights on.
Massage Parlor [2.19]
- Mrs. Oppenheimer: You know, you remind me of my first husband.
- Fish: Oh really?
- Mrs. Oppenheimer: He's dead now, but you look like him when he was alive too.
- Chano: I just can't believe that an old lady can inflict that kind of punishment on a man.
- Fish: You've learned nothing from knowing me.
The Psychiatrist [2.20]
- Dr. Esterhazy: Now card Number 4, Sergeant Yemana. What does the inkblot suggest to you?
- Yemana: Uh. An elephant wearing a hat.
- Dr. Esterhazy: Now turn the card around. Now what does the inkblot suggest to you?
- Yemana: An elephant lying on his back. Wearing a hat.
- Luger: You know Nathan, it seems to me that you got a lot to learn about the police department. And I want you to know my men continuously conduct themselves in a legal and orderly manner. Especially when dealing with the public, most of whom are freaks any way.
The Kid [2.21]
- Yemana: My grandfather used to say to me "The anticipation of one's dreams is greater than the realization of one's ambitions. Unless one blows it altogether."
- Mrs. Trujillo: My husband is no longer with us.
- Fish: I'm sorry.
- Mrs. Trujillo: I think I saw him on 14th Street one day. But I am not sure.
- Fish: He just left you?
- Mrs. Trujillo: Yes.
- Fish: Just got up one day and walked away?
- Mrs. Trujillo: Yes.
- Fish: And it worked?
The Mole [2.22]
- Chano: Can I help you?
- Cook: That's a very generous offer. Because sometimes it moves too fast to make friends.
- Chano: What moves too fast?
- Cook: The escalator of life. On its way to that biggest of all: Mezzanine.
- Chano: That's a very profound thought. You must be a philosopher.
- Cook: No, I'm a bum.
- Yemana: Wojo and Harris chased the guy down into the sewer.
- Barney: The sewer?!
- Fish: [about to go into the bathroom] I'd better wait. I may be obstructing justice.
- Hal Linden - Captain Barney Miller
- Abe Vigoda - Detective Philip K. Fish
- Max Gail - Detective Stan "Wojo" Wojciehowicz
- Ron Glass - Detective Ron Harris
- Jack Soo - Detective Sergeant Nick Yemana
- Barbara Barrie - Elizabeth "Liz" Miller (Barney's wife)
- Gregory Sierra - Detective Sergeant Chano Amenguale
- James Gregory - Deputy Inspector Franklin D. Luger
- Steve Landesberg - Detective Sergeant Arthur Dietrich
- Ron Carey - Officer Carl Levitt
- Linda Lavin - Detective Janice Wentworth