BattleBlock Theater is a 2013 video game.
Chapter 1: Betrayed By Hatty!
- Narrator: Good evening boys and girls... Ladies, (Mmmmm-tk-tk) and gentlemen. Turn the lights down low and shut your faces, as I wrap you in the cozy blanket of a story. A story as heart warming and soft as a mother's kiss, or is it? Shhhhh… Once upon a time there was a boat, now this wasn't just any boat children. It was a ship! A ship full of friends, hundreds of friends, best friends one and all! A veritable friend ship it was… Get it? But it wouldn't be very ladylike of me not to mention the most noteworthy friend on board, Hatty Hattington. Say HI t Hatty! Hatty was like king friend of friendship kingdom, best friend to one and all, and the walking definition of "handsome gentlemen!" Now one fine morning, Hatty and pals set out for a new, exciting adventure. What fantastic wonders will they discover this time? Perhaps they'd come across a scary ghost ship. Perhaps they'd find an island made entirely of candy! Perhaps they'd meet a band of scary, swashbuckling pirates and join forces to find an island made entirely of candy! Who knew? But it didn't matter… So long as they were together, there were smiles to be had and adventures to be shared. Now today t'was a day like any other adventure-y day, spirits were uncrushably high, everyone was singing and dancing and having a jolly time! When suddenly the ocean was all like "SURPRISE!" and a huge, massive storm brewed out of nowhere! *Whooooosh Wwohsoooh Woooshsbmlmba* Boy, that was quick! *Woooshlmvmhem* And there was thunder, BOOM! And the lightning, BOOM! And the wind, BOO—*wusohsoshshushush...* And like that, it was over... "Is everyone okay?" said Hatty, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost even one of you!", Hatty continued. But the eye of the storm is very misleading children, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT! Because the ocean was all like "SIKE!" and it came back even bigger this time, twice as big! *Wshoooshoooshooo* As if Poseidon himself extended his hand in friendship and they spat in his mouth!… *Wsho-shuubrbrbrbbrbljusjusjs* Boy he was pis— he was mad! *shoo-weshooumshooo* And the rain came down like a shower of bullets, ahhh ahhh!… and the floorboards were buckling and creaking and breaking and pieces of their ship were raining down like shards of broken dreams, and then Reginald comes upstairs and he's all like...
- Reginald: I say gentlemen, I do believe we’re in quite a spot of bother!
- Narrator: And everyone was like...
- Rigill: REALLY?! What tipped you off genius?!
- Narrator: And then Hatty was all like,
- Hatty: Hey be nice!
- Narrator: *Whoosh-oosh oosh oosh!* Huge giant waves thrashed the boat to and fro, fro and to, Carelessly sprinkling friend after friend into the cold, unforgiving abyss of the deep, dark ocean, everyone was screaming like, "HELP ME!" Splash! Splash! Then there was this huge whale like, "Mwwahhhh!" made it super scary. And I think there was a shark… *Woosh-woosh* Yup, there he is! Oh God! And then Hatty was all like, "Hold onto your butts, Land Ho!" And then BANG! Bang-Bang! SMASH! A shipwreck! As told by their fate books of fate… and while it seems like the end, this is only the beginning of a fantastic journey for the brave crew of the S.S Friend-ship!
- Narrator: What a strange, mysterious island! And what's this? The shore is riddled with little friend sized footprints! Guess the tide brought them to land! How utterly CONVENIENT! But where have they gotten to? Who knows? I don't! Do you? I don't! Do you? I don't! Do-WELCOME TO BATTLEBLOCK THEATER! Go inside... the door!
- Narrator: Hmmm... Maybe our friends came in here, to take shelter from the rain! That's smart! But jeez, what a gloomy place! Ever heard of spring cleaning?
- Narrator: Oh happy, it's Hatty! And look! He's Made some wonderful new friends Oooh, and they got him a present! How thoughtful! Hey wait a second! I don't think was a present! Ahhh! Those guys aren't wonderful new friends are they? Just... stay hidden and keep quiet! They haven't seen you yet! OH NO! THEY see you! Clench your butt! This isn't gonna be good!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT wasn't good! That wasn't good at all!
- Narrator: You sure know how to make the best of a confusing and hopeless situation. But boy, this place is QUITE the enigma wouldn't you say? I would! And you know, a little warning would have been nice. You know, before they threw us head first into this gladiatorial, prisony place. With its perilous melody of twisted stage productions that shreds the silky fabric which weaves together the fragile blanket of sanity that keeps us sane. But you know, whatever… Either way it's safe to say we're in quite a pickle jar here! We gotta rescue our friends and get back to Mr. Boat! I mean, they'd do the same for you, and adventuring just wouldn't be the same without... I dunno, THIS guy! Best chef in ALL the land! Food so stupid delicious, one taste would blow your face through the back of your head. Like BANG, SPLAT! And who could forget this quirky fellow? Ya know, he owns a bat farm back home, and his lifelong dream is breed a terrifying race of SUPER-BATS! None of which makes any sense of course, because he's absolutely terrified of bats. And this lovely lass always tells the BEST bedtime stories, HANDS-DOWN! Plus, she always smells like chocolate, so that's good! And then there's this guy and this... handsome fellow and.. that.. thing.. dheshu All your best friends, IMPRISONED! And they don't like it very much because it's BAD and HORRIBLE! And then there's Hatty, the best friend of all. Why did he stab us in the back and twist the blade? I mean, just this morning he gave everyone flowers and presents. And now he goes out of our way to hurt our feelings? Oh, I think not - you can't fool me! Hatty would NEVER betrayal us! B-betray us, NEVER! Something fishy is going on around here AND I THINK I DON'T LIKE IT RIGHT NOW AT ALL! It's must have something to do with that scary albeit fashionable hat! Sure looks evil... I mean it's glowing red and stuff. Glowy red stuff is always bad. Everybody knows that! So what dangerous treats lie in store as we continue to unravel this treacherous sweater? I don't know.. But use caution! As you continue your galant endeavor! Don't, don't like fail and die and stuff, CAUSE IT'S ALL UP TO YOU NOW! Wh- Why'd it, Why'd it do that? That was... that was scary.
Chapter 2: I Wont Leave Him Behind
- Narrator: Way to bite the bullet so far! You don't even complain about the prison food. Which is shocking. Because that stuff tastes like doo-doo casserole! With a side of butt-salad! But best of all your riveting performances have the theater bursting at the seams with excited patrons! And with all this extra cash you're raking in, the theater afford some serious improvements and really start beefing up these horrifying shows of murdery death to appease the fickle crowd. So... so, so that's... good? And what's the deal with hatty? He just creepily looms around the theater all day... LOOK AT HIM LOOMING! It seems like he's been forcefully-forced to manage this place. Well it, looks that way... He just sorta' sits there, as productive as one can be. Yyyyep, living life to the fullest. WHOA, SLOW DOWN BUDDY! YES SIR! Fulla' salt and pep'! FULL OF PEE N' VINEGAR! OVERFLOWING WITH YOUTHFUL ENERGY, SAY SOMETHING HATTY! OWLALAWOLELOUA!!!!!! CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?! (rim shot) Shut up! Ya know people really seem to be a precious and rare commodity in this strange part of the world. Seems our little boat wreck was a delicious gift from the heavens.. gods. And these strange cats are taking full advantage of us. What cruel fate left them to roam the grounds of this scary old theater. Desperately ruling these bleak premises' with an iron fff- paw. And just how long have they been orchestrating this sinister scheme? I mean, avert your eyes, children, AVERT THEM! There's boney people skeletons everywhere! SCARY! Right? Now I'm no genius, but I definitely know how long it takes for a body to decompose, so this musta been going on for at least! W - Wait! scratch that, thing I said. ahem So do you possess the courage to soldier onward and uncover the mysterious mystery behind this grim world? Or will your hilarious death screams be drowned out by sounds of your own hilarious death screams? We shall see... We shall see... We shall see... Ya' see?
Chapter 3: Storing Things Out
- Narrator: You've really got the crowd eating from your delicate hands now. There's never a dull moment with you at the helm. Sept for maybe like twice... But I gotta hand it to ya'.. You've got quite the unbreakable spirit.
I mean I'm not nearly as brave as you. If I was in your capably nimble shoes, I'd say "to heck with hatty and my friends, they'll be fine!" Then I'd pack myself a nice bag lunch, show these cats my faaavorite finger and make like horse turds and hit the trail. But I'm not you and you’re not horse turds. No sirs! You are the very definition of the cat's PJs! And speaking of which, these cats are truly bizarre! Why are they here? I mean I've got my theories... Perhaps they're aliens, from another world! Maybe they're genetic experiments GONE AWRY! or could it be that they were once normal kitties, NORMAL KITTIES who evolved into the strange unpleasant creatures we see before us? These hideously adorable abominations with their... ...beady eyeballs, GIANT BLOODTHIRSTY... tiny mouth fangs, slashy pawclaws and stanky - funk breath. Plus they're awfully rude and crabby. I think they all need girlfriends or something! Imma cat see? Im grouchy see? I like to run around all day and hurt people's feelings seeeee? But don't take them lightly , although sassy or lazy by nature, cats are awfully crafty and finding a weak spot in that bright orange furry armor might prove DIFFICULTY! Uh.. minus the Y. They're always watching, children... I see them lurking in the shadows, LURKING HARD! Or hardly lurking seeee? On that note, this whole theater is like a bad joke! But how did things get so bad? At one time this theater was a nice place with flowers in every vase and smiles on everyone's mouth.. faces. Can you believe that? I wouldn't believe it. I mean if YOU told me that, I'd more than likely call you a liar and walk away. And um.. find some place to get ice cream to replenish the innocence you blackened with your filthy deceits! I like strawberry - JUST KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU AS you descend further into the belly of the beast... and perhaps you'll find a way to put an END to this madness!
Chapter 4: Getting Warmer....
- Narrator: Take my dainty hand as I whisk you back to a time long forgotten! LONG before the sh- the POOP hit the fan.. Here. The year was 17...0...50..9...ish whatever. Self-made billionaire, cat fanatic and theatrics aficionado Purrham Furbottom set out to create the BIGGEST, RITZIEST most THRILL-INDUCING-EST theater ever!. And he did! And it was THE talk of THE town. Trust me, if you weren’t there, you most assuredly square! People were seriously like.. “What you weren’t there?! What are you; a NERD?” Opening night was a thing to behold, as LORD Furbottom organized the GRANDEST, JAW-DROPPING-EST show ever seen! There was explosions and dancing girls! Dancing girls who exploded! Exotic animals! Exotic animals who exploded! Incredible feats of magic and wonder with fantastic production values all around. Furbottom sat for days on end, marveling at his breathtaking creation and packing handfuls of delicious, buttery popcorn in his mouth. But alas, his illogical contempt for intermissions ultimately caused his demise. During the show, Furbottom passed away - having pooped himself to death on the way to the bathroom. Legend says he clenched his butt as hard a she could, be his little cheeks just gave out. Furbottom left nothing behind but his beloved theater, his precious kitties, his hat and of course, his bloated corpse - which was lovingly drifted out to sea, and immediately ravaged by sharks. And that, children - is the legend of Purrham Furbottom. A respectable, and apparently delicious, ahh-gentlemen. But the show must go on, right? RIGHT! For thousands of years Purrham’s hat passed from head to head, leader to leader - and the theater still operates to this very day. And what a piece of crap it’s become! I bet Purrham is rolling over in his sharks right now. I mean everything’s poorly run and the whole place stinks like pee and feet…. And with everyone involved walking a fine line between moodiness and full blown insanity, it's only a matter of time before something truly horrifying happens! But try to keep a sunny disposition as you sink further into darkness, yeah? Nobody likes a crybaby.
Chapter 5: I'll Save You, Hatty!
- Narrator: Purrham’s hat sure is a mystery. It vexes me so, it truly does! But where did it come from? Well children - some say the hat was blessed by a voodoo witch doctor. And then cursed by another voodoo witch doctor like, 20 minutes later! Others claim Purrham was adventuring through the treacherous Caves of the Nightmare Princess, when he found the hat perched atop a GIANT RUBY! A ruby that naturally formed into the shape of a skull, a HUMAN skull, ahh! But you know what I think children? I think the hat is haunted by all the souls of its previous owners, ALL their dreams and failures mashed together in a frantic, poisonous scramble of grumpiness and conflicting viewpoints! But I’m the dumb one, right? I mean you got these voodoo.. Nightmare princess thingies, easily the biggest crocks of sh.. STUFF I’ve ever heard in my entire life, but I’m the DUMB one. That’s fine. And not just anyone can don the hat, you know - it calls out only to those who embody the exemplary qualities required! Charity, bravery, handsomeness, gentle-manity, inoffensive smell, ETC.. And of course, proper head size. Guess that explains why cats can’t wear it. Plus, who ever heard of a cat in a hat, that’s preposterous. AND HEAVY WEIGHS THE CROWN… He who wears the hat, calls the shots - and in a time long forgotten, maintained balance, and ensured that everyone was plump and happy and wanted for nothing! But all good things come to an end, children. Well, that’s not entirely true I… I figure pizza will always exist. But this hat? Lets just say it’s days of benevolent guidance are LOOONG over with.. You might as well flip it over, and use it as a toilet! I mean Hatty hasn’t lifted a FINGER to spread the wealth or encouraging smiles, and the theater staff is really starting to feel unappreciated. Oh - OH LOOK! This smoldering unrest has given birth to a precious little storm cloud! Awww, lookit’ his little raindrops. And if things don’t change around here, this LITTLE cloud’s gonna grow up into big, Giant, SCARY cloud and spray us all with a drenching downpour of horrifying madness! But don’t lose sight of your mission.. Hatty needs you more than ever now!
And I know things look bleak, but even the word hopeless was hope in it! Plus, if you rearrange the letters, it spells PEE SLOSH! The last part was probably unnecessary I’m sorry.
Chapter 6: We Came Here Together..
- Narrator: Now it goes without saying, but cats really don’t like being ignored. And my oh my, the staff is really upset now. The lack of proper leadership has really twisted their fanny-cheeks! HARD! Where’s the appreciation? Where’s the sparkly moneys at? Oh yeah, Good one “bro”. And as you continue to conjure magic to distract the masses, your efforts seem in vain - as your constant struggle to save Hatty and your friends has only created grander spectacles, with harder obstacles to overcome! How’s THAT for a double-edged sword? Sharp , right?! And the audience loves it. The applause is deafening. The sandpapery kisses are plentiful and tickly, and they always want more. MORE! BIGGER! HARDER! THAT’S WHAT SHE S.. I mean uh.. THIS place is turning into quite the impressive palace of horror now! I mean you’re gonna be up to your THROAT in CATS and.. LASERS like.. BYEW, BYEW, BYEW, BYEW!... and SPIKEY things like... SHING shSHING-SHING...SHING!... and BOMBS and EXPLOSIONS like... BANG buhBANG-BANG-BANG! So I’d stay on my toes if I were you… BANG! ‘Cause it’s gonna be a massacre! A FUNHOUSE of death! Except TWICE.. No, THREE times as deadly! And to ice this little predicament-cake of yours, the staff is SICK of Hatty’s bullsh-.. B - uh.. NONSENSE! They’re SICK of him! LOOK how upset they are! GAZE IN HORROR AT THE DISORDERLY DISORDER! MYEAWWWWWWW!!!! MYEAAA!!!!! SEEE?! Aren't you scared? You should be! BANG, CRASH.. CRASH-BANG! MYEAAH! Kinda.. Hard to do it justice with these.. Little thingies, but trust me it’s TERRIBLE! Everyone’s naked and rioting and… POOPING on the floor. PBBBTBTBTB And clawing the expensive curtains (Come on guys, they’re expensive) EVERYTHING’s going up in a horrifying blaze of CHAOS! ...Plus the picnic was canceled and I’ve, kinda got a little headache coming on and.. IT JUST NEVER ENDS! But go forth and give it your all! I won’t believe you’ve fought and died for nothing. And perhaps, when it’s all over... I’ll meet you in the afterlife.. Whilst’ perusing the hall of heroes, WHERE THE BRAVE LIVE FOREVER!... THERE’S ALSO A HALL of losers and failures, you don’t want to end up there. Trust me. It’s embarrassing!
Chapter 7: We Will Leave Here Together!
- Narrator: I admire your tenacity, truly I do. Fo’ Sho’! But things have really gotten out of control here.. You’ve all quickly gone from precocious lovable scamps to problematic liabilities! How ridiculous! Are we truly the only sane people on this twisted island? Or... perhaps WE’RE the crazy ones… and THEY’RE all sane? What a twist that would be!... No, that’s impossible, these guys are bat-poop crazy! We gotta get to Hatty A-S-A-P.. As soon as PYURRRM, like a bullet! Mega, SUPERY fast! But you gotta get through that vault and get that key, first - and this particular vault is more dangerous than telling a GIRL she’s CHUBBY! (OH MY GOD!) I know, right?! It’s a poop-inducing nightmare in there! You're gonna be killed until you're dead! But.. ya know.. Put your big-girl panties on. Everybody has problems. And not to add ANOTHER ingredient to your rich, chunky stew of personal problems - but the staff’s out for blood now - and they mean BUSINESS! Their spirits of grown faaar too weary, children and a weary spirit requires sustenance! RICH, BUTTERY SUSTENANCE! Sustenance as ONLY sustained by killing Hatty and starting this insanity all over again, with a new person! What a counter-productively FUTILE charade this is! When will they shatter their shackles of ignorance to transcend the bane of their self-inflicted miser.. WHEN WILL THEY STOP BEING STUPID, CRAZY, DUMB, JERKS?! EVERYONE’S KIND OF SICK OF IT! But I guess there’s no reasoning with madness. Or cats, for that matter! Seriously, try talking sense into a cat, they just stare at you with their lifeless, patronizing eyeballs for like… a couple of seconds, and then they just walk away! And then you’re like -D -don’t turn your back on me! And they’re like MYEAHHH! And then you’re all like, tch-MMBshuh, and then they’re all like MYEAAAAAH! But it is what it is, I guess... So are you ready for the most importantly-important mission of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?! I hope so! It’s time to show these guys they picked the WROOONG boat of friends to tangle with! Just hold on a little longer, homie - WE’RE COMING FOR YOU! It’d be nice if you could… meet us halfway but.. You know, whatever. MYEAAAAH!
- Narrator: And so, we’ve finally made it back to the boat, after a harrowing, exhausting adventure! I bet your dogs are barkin’! I mean let's face it - most of that ordeal was unpleasant to the point of sucking a whole lot! But now it’s time to relax in the forbidden moonlight of yesterday's promises!.. Whatever that means, and treat ourselves to a nice big mug of hot cocoa! Whaddya’ say. Hatty? But Hatty wasn’t his normal, jovial self anymore, children. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t even respond to hugs! Freakin’ HUGS! He loves hugs! But he wasn’t moving, he wasn’t even blinking. Where has he gone to? Where…? ( Hatty Song Plays then the Buckle Your Pants song ) So your best friend's a vegetable now! "Blah blah blah But you know what they say: When life gives you potatoes, make potato salad And I've got just the recipe! Hit it! Buckle your pants, Buckle-buckle your pants Pull up your socks and dance! (WHOO!) Buck-buck-BAWK-BAWK-Buckle your pants Bucka-bucka-bucka-bucka-buckle your pants! Buckle your pants, Buckle-buckle your pants! Hey!, I said dance! Buck-buck-BOK-BOK-Buckle your pants Bucka-bucka-bucka-bucka-buckle buckle your pants! Ladies!
- Ladies: Yeah?
- Narrator: Buckle your pants! Gentlemen!
- Gentlemen: What?
- Narrator: Buckle your pants! Boys and girls of all ages! (Yahee!) Buckle your pants Or they might fall down! (BRBRBRBRB) Hey you! Buckle your pants! Yes you! Buckle your pants! Everybody! Buckle your pants! But if you don't want to! (NO!) That's fine! (WRONG!) Buckle your pants! Buckle your pants! Buckle your pants! Or your pants will fall to the ground! Buckle your pants! Just buckle them baby, nice and tight please! Buckle your pants! Buckle your pants! Buck-buck-buck-buck-buckle your pants! Buckle your pants! Buckle your pants! Buck-buck-buck-buck-buckle your pants!
- Narrator: Oh I get it.. Ohm mh, yes… it all makes sense now!