- Harvey: I'm so excited. That was my very first felony. I've commited a lot of misdemeanors but I do believe that was my very first felony!
- Harvey: I really don't like it when you tease the dogs.
- Vernon: What are you, some kind of animal lover?
- George: No matter how many showers I take, I still smell Beethoven all over me.
- Dr. Varnick: Here for his shots?
- George: Yes.
- Dr. Varnick: Well, he'll be a little groggy this evening.
- George: That'll be nice.
- Ted: Do you have any kids?
- Brie: We have a career.
- Alice: George, come on. Beethoven isn't even remotely dangerous. He'd never hurt the kids. He might take a bite out of you, though.
- George: First snarl, first, any kind of weirdness and he's gone.
- Alice: Weirdness? What should I watch for, hon? Wearing my clothes around the house?
- Alice: I don't think words for parts of the body make very good names.
- Emily: He's got one of those, I looked.
- Alice: I'm sure he does. But I don't think Daddy would want to stand on the porch at night yelling that out.
- Emily: But that's what you call Uncle Richard.
- George: This is ridiculous! It's a dog. He doesn't have preferences! You could call him Ding-Dong Head and he wouldn't know the difference.
- Brad: We want to get in bed with Newton Auto Air Freshners!
- Devonia: [whilst playing the organ] You kids might be interested to know that I'm a featured performer Saturday nights at the Padded Zebra. [laughs]
- [Ryce and Ted look out the window and notice Emily in the backyard pool]
- Ryce: Oh, my gosh! Emily's in the pool!
- Devonia: The POOL?!!
- [after Emily's pool accident at Devonia's, Alice takes the kids home]
- Devonia: She must've snuck out while I was watching Ted and Ryce. It was hot out, so I guess she wanted to take a little swim!
- Alice: And where were you while all this was happening?
- Devonia: I was where I was supposed to be: Inside, watching the other two. If Emily had stayed where I put her, none of this would've happened. If you ask me, what these children need is a little discipline.
- Alice: What these children need is their mother. You're fired.
- Charles Grodin as George Newton
- Bonnie Hunt as Alice Newton
- Nicholle Tom as Ryce Newton
- Christopher Castile as Ted Newton
- Sarah Rose Karr as Emily Newton
- Dean Jones as Dr. Herman Varnick