Lotte: For the first time, everything just felt right.
Craig: It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes.
Maxine: So I've been thinking...Is this Malkovich fellow appealing?
Craig: Maxine! Yes, of course, Maxine. He's a celebrity.
Maxine: Good. We'll sell tickets!
Craig: Tickets to Malkovich?
Maxine: Exactly! $200 a pop!
Dr. Lester: Ah, tell me Lotte, can you understand a word I'm saying?
Lotte: Oh yes, Dr. Lester, absolutely. You were just explaining the, um, nutritional value of ingesting minerals through a colloidal form, which I personally couldn't agree more with.
Dr. Lester: Oh, be still my heart!
John M.: The...this...the weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lotte.
Charlie Sheen: Ouch! That is hot! Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover...Sounds like my kind of gal! Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John M.: What are you talking about, done with her? Tonight really freaked me out!
John M.: Charlie, I don't know anything about the girl, man! She could be like a fucking witch or something!
Charlie Sheen: That's even better! Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!
Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig: Well, just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester: Low overhead my boy! We pass the savings onto you! Hahaha!
John M.: I have been to the dark side and back! I have seen a world that no man should see!
Craig: Really? For most people, it's a rather pleasant experience.
Craig: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like!
Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
Dr. Lester: Floris! Get Guinness on the phone!
Floris: Ah, yes sir, Genghis Kahn Capone. Fine.
Dr. Lester: Damn fine woman, Floris. I don't know how she puts up with this speech impediment of mine.
John Malkovich: That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!
Craig: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.
John M.: It's my head, Schwartz, and I will see you in court!
Craig: And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
Craig: There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig: He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: What's he been in?
Craig: Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha right, is duality an illusion? Do you realize what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't think I can go on living my life as I have lived it.