Believe Nothing

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Believe Nothing (2002) is a British sitcom written by Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran. It stars Rik Mayall as Quadruple Professor Adonis Cnut, Oxford's leading moral philosopher; Michael Maloney as his faithful manservant Brian Albumen; and Emily Bruni as Dr Hannah Awkward, senior lecturer in Pedantics at Oxford University.

Series 1 (2002)[edit]

Get Rich Quick [1.1][edit]

Professor Adonis Cnut: I was trained as a Samaritan. Yes, I was. But I had to resign, unfortunately. I was so good at answering callers' problems that all the other Samaritans lost their jobs and became suicidal. There were bodies everywhere. It was very funny.

Apparently the Council for International Progress has just overthrown the government of China
Adonis: Now you're talking!
Le Fanu: I've been talking the whole time.
Adonis: Are you perchance German?

Prepare to Meteor Maker [1.2][edit]

Albumen learned how to fly a balloon in Argentina
Albumen: I learned navigation, high altitude survival, how to throw political prisoners into the South Atlantic...forget I said that!

Adonis: Don't mind me, dropping in unannounced.
Sir Richard Chutney: What are you doing here?
Adonis: Dropping in unannounced. Pay attention!

Might as Well Face It, You're Addicted to Fudge [1.3][edit]

The Prime Minister has declared war on Cuba, at the suggestion of Professor Cnut
Adonis: People like me are required to make strategy, whereas people like you are required to volunteer to fight and die. Where d'you think you're going?
Albumen: Volunteer to fight and die, sir!
Hannah: You can't let him go! I need him to make fudge, not war.

The sugar embargo is making Dr Awkward desperate for fudge
Albumen: Try and get a hold of yourself, Doctor!
Hannah: Don't be ridiculous! I can't possibly reach!

Double First [1.4][edit]

Albumen gives his master a vigorous massage
Adonis: I love the way you knead me...with a K, obviously!

Albumen has also been giving Hannah a massage when his master returns
Adonis: Albumen, why is Dr Awkward splayed half-naked across my ottoman?
Albumen: 'Cos I couldn't persuade her to take the rest of her clothes off, Sir.

Inspector Aldiss: I'll be back, Cnut, you nasty little misprint!

The Unhappy Eater [1.5][edit]

A meeting with Professor Bilyas, a convicted cannibal
Adonis: Edmund, when was the last time you tasted human flesh? And I don't just mean your own cuticles.
Bilyas: It was Christmas in the chapel. The chaplain foolishly offered me the body of Christ. I took his arm off at the elbow and had it with butter beans and a bottle of communion wine.

Adonis: How would you like a constant stream of edible cellmates?
Bilyas: Whom might you suggest?
Adonis: Ooh...Jeffrey Archer?
Bilyas: No. I require food I can have an intelligent conversation with first.

Just a Minute [1.6][edit]

The producer of Cnut's new TV show has been flirting with him
Albumen: I should think sexual intercourse with her is a dead cert, Sir.
Adonis: Yes, but she's so shallow!
Albumen: You can tell just by looking?

Dr Awkward explains what a take-away is
Adonis: A take-away? Who takes away what? And why?
Hannah: You're so out of touch! In essence, one telephones a pizza parlour, Indian restaurant, or any other so-called fast food establishment, and a youth who hasn't yet passed his motorcycle test, so is otherwise unemployable, brings tepid food right to your door.
Adonis: Then why do they call it a "take-away", and not a "bring-around"?

The professor sits down to watch the recording of his TV show
Announcer: And now on BBC Choice Gold Two, A Long History of Time, with Professor Adonis C. Nut.
Adonis: Jesus C. H. Rist!

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