Believe Nothing (2002) is a British sitcom written by Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran. It stars Rik Mayall as Quadruple Professor Adonis Cnut, Oxford's leading moral philosopher; Michael Maloney as his faithful manservant Brian Albumen; and Emily Bruni as Dr Hannah Awkward, senior lecturer in Pedantics at Oxford University.
Series 1 (2002)
Get Rich Quick [1.1]
- Professor Adonis Cnut: I was trained as a Samaritan. Yes, I was. But I had to resign, unfortunately. I was so good at answering callers' problems that all the other Samaritans lost their jobs and became suicidal. There were bodies everywhere. It was very funny.
- Apparently the Council for International Progress has just overthrown the government of China
- Adonis: Now you're talking!
- Le Fanu: I've been talking the whole time.
- Adonis: Are you perchance German?
Prepare to Meteor Maker [1.2]
- Albumen learned how to fly a balloon in Argentina
- Albumen: I learned navigation, high altitude survival, how to throw political prisoners into the South Atlantic...forget I said that!
- Adonis: Don't mind me, dropping in unannounced.
- Sir Richard Chutney: What are you doing here?
- Adonis: Dropping in unannounced. Pay attention!
Might as Well Face It, You're Addicted to Fudge [1.3]
- The Prime Minister has declared war on Cuba, at the suggestion of Professor Cnut
- Adonis: People like me are required to make strategy, whereas people like you are required to volunteer to fight and die. Where d'you think you're going?
- Albumen: Volunteer to fight and die, sir!
- Hannah: You can't let him go! I need him to make fudge, not war.
- The sugar embargo is making Dr Awkward desperate for fudge
- Albumen: Try and get a hold of yourself, Doctor!
- Hannah: Don't be ridiculous! I can't possibly reach!
Double First [1.4]
- Albumen gives his master a vigorous massage
- Adonis: I love the way you knead me...with a K, obviously!
- Albumen has also been giving Hannah a massage when his master returns
- Adonis: Albumen, why is Dr Awkward splayed half-naked across my ottoman?
- Albumen: 'Cos I couldn't persuade her to take the rest of her clothes off, Sir.
- Inspector Aldiss: I'll be back, Cnut, you nasty little misprint!
The Unhappy Eater [1.5]
- A meeting with Professor Bilyas, a convicted cannibal
- Adonis: Edmund, when was the last time you tasted human flesh? And I don't just mean your own cuticles.
- Bilyas: It was Christmas in the chapel. The chaplain foolishly offered me the body of Christ. I took his arm off at the elbow and had it with butter beans and a bottle of communion wine.
- Adonis: How would you like a constant stream of edible cellmates?
- Bilyas: Whom might you suggest?
- Adonis: Ooh...Jeffrey Archer?
- Bilyas: No. I require food I can have an intelligent conversation with first.
Just a Minute [1.6]
- The producer of Cnut's new TV show has been flirting with him
- Albumen: I should think sexual intercourse with her is a dead cert, Sir.
- Adonis: Yes, but she's so shallow!
- Albumen: You can tell just by looking?
- Dr Awkward explains what a take-away is
- Adonis: A take-away? Who takes away what? And why?
- Hannah: You're so out of touch! In essence, one telephones a pizza parlour, Indian restaurant, or any other so-called fast food establishment, and a youth who hasn't yet passed his motorcycle test, so is otherwise unemployable, brings tepid food right to your door.
- Adonis: Then why do they call it a "take-away", and not a "bring-around"?
- The professor sits down to watch the recording of his TV show
- Announcer: And now on BBC Choice Gold Two, A Long History of Time, with Professor Adonis C. Nut.
- Adonis: Jesus C. H. Rist!