Better Off Ted

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Better Off Ted is an American situation comedy, which premiered March 18, 2009 on ABC. Emmy-nominated Victor Fresco of 20th Century Fox Television created and executive produced the series.

Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better. Power. We make that. Technology. We make that. Cows. Well, no. We don't make cows, although we have made a sheep. And medicines, and airplane engines, and whatever this is, and all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better. Usually.

Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. ...Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them... as well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: ...Halloween and pie.

Veronica: Ted. The drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric. Find another use for it.
Ted: Hmm, it's good texture... coloration... maybe a breakfast meat.
Veronica: Are you serious? We want to be in that business.
Ted: No. You.. you have to lighten up.
Veronica: Maybe I'm too funny. Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.
Ted: Uhm....

Lem: I'm so angry about the toilet paper. Why couldn't they leave it next to the toilet? That proximity was so elegant.
Phil: They think that if it's harder to reach, that we'll use less of it.
Lem: They've destroyed going to the bathroom for me. It used to be just a weird human function. Now it's actively stressful.
Phil: Ok, look, just take the roll off of the dispenser, and bring it with you, before you sit. That's what I do.
Lem: Wha... That's not normal, Phil!
Phil: It becomes normal if you keep doing it. Everything does.

Veronica: Your guys would do anything for you, Ted. They've got, what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty.

Lem: He's a better man than you.
Phil: Agreed.

Linda: People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.
Ted: Squirming? Or are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?

Ted: Never give up. That’s what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can’t, because that would be giving up.

Phil: Ted, there’s been a spill—oh, hi Veronica. It’s nothing.
Veronica: Hi Phil. Actually, you’re the reason I’m here.
Phil: Oh, really?
Veronica: Yes, you can go now.
Phil: But, I—
Veronica: I’m here to talk about you, not to you.
Phil: I’m sorry.
[Phil leaves room]
Veronica: We want to freeze Phil.
Ted: Excuse me?
Veronica: Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him. Just for a year to see if it’s possible. We think it is.
Ted: You think it’s possible?
Veronica: Yes, Mr. Negative. We do. We’ve developed a chemical which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding and, fingers crossed, we’re ready for human testing.
Ted: Your presentation sucks.

Linda: [speaking on the phone] No, the zebra and the toaster are friends. So-
Ted: Ahem.
Linda: I have to go. No, that doesn't make the toaster mean. He's not a sociopath, he just doesn't want to make toast anymore. [hangs up the phone and turns to Ted] Hi...that a new... shirt?
Ted: Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that phone call wasn't odd.

Bamba: I’ve never seen a man explode from the inside: a rabbit, an eel, a goat, a monkey, and a reindeer. But that’s all.
Veronica: I’m out.

Heroes [1.02][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. We're the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes... the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chickens that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can't eat them, but we're not, because people can't eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum.

Phil: How did I get wet?
Veronica: No one knows. [pause] Perhaps you urinated.
Phil: In my face?

Veronica: Why is there never any creamer?
Ted: Ants. No, ghosts. No, I don’t know.

Jerome: It tastes familiar…
Ted: Beef?
Jerome: No…
Linda: Chicken? We’ll take chicken.
Jerome: [Shakes head.]
Ted: What does it taste like?
Jerome: Despair.
Ted: Is it possible it just needs salt?

Ted: We may have created a monster in the lab.
Veronica: It's not a monster. It's a cyborg that can kill without remorse.
Ted: I was talking about Phil. What are you talking about?
Veronica: [pause] I was also talking about Phil. [Ted gives her a look] It's classified. But it's gonna be a fantastic new tool, if we can get it to tell the difference between soldiers and children.

Through Rose Colored HAZMAT Suits [1.03][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. We're a family, just like yours. But we don't waste our time throwing leaves around. We put our family to work. We mean real work. Not just eating mush. Our Veridian Dynamic family works for every member of your family. Even the dead ones. And we're working to bring them back and copy them, in case you lose them again. We love our family, which is why we work nights, weekends, and major holidays, because that's when families should be together. Veridian Dynamics. Families. Yay.

Linda: Kids. God's little awkward moment machines.

Ted: I can't go now, I have to watch Rose.
Veronica: I can wash Rose.
Ted: ...I said "watch" her, not "wash" her.
Veronica: Hm, even easier.
Ted: The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you might not know all that much about children.
Veronica: I know they need to be cleaned.

Racial Sensitivity [1.04][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Diversity: just the thought of it makes these white people smile. We believe everyone works best when they work together, even if they're just standing around. Just like we enjoy varieties of food, we enjoy varieties of people. Even though we can't eat them. At Veridian Dynamics, we're committed to a multiethnic workplace. You can shake on it. Veridian Dynamics. Diversity. Good for us.

Phil: Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?
Lem: Oh yeah, I was trying to get the stains out.
Phil: You know soap would work. And it wouldn’t kill someone if they accidentally drank it.
Lem: But soap leaves a film.

Ted: The system doesn't see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.
Veronica: The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.

Phil: This is ridiculous, you have to talk to Veronica.
Lem: I’m going to.
Phil: No I mean you really have to.
Lem: I’m going to.
Phil: No, you won’t.
Lem: Yes, I might.
Phil: You have to stand up for yourself this time. This isn’t just delicious flavored coffee. It is your dignity we are talking about.
Lem: I have my dignity. Now will you please take me to the bathroom…All right I see your point.

Lem: I am really angry about this. Or just angry. You know, whatever feels right to you.

Veronica: I’m different than other women, Ted. And by different, I mean better.

Stew: This tastes salty.
Lem: Well that’s because it’s salt you huge idiot.
Stew: [doesn’t hear because he's wearing headphones] What is it?
Lem: Salt. Salt. Salt!!

Win Some, Dose Some [1.05][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Competition: whether it's animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products: pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better.

Rose: Everyone at school hates me because I’m beating the disabled girl.
Ted: But everybody’s equal. We don’t see disabled people. Well we see them we just don’t care. Well we care we just don’t treat them differently. Although they do have their own parking.

Phil: Linda, you can't hurt a baby.
Lem: Well, you can hurt them. They're not indestructible.
Phil: I meant it's morally indefensible.
Lem: Well, what if the baby killed a man?
Phil: You and your moral puzzles. I just love 'em.

Good-bye, Mr. Chips [1.06][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Individuals: we believe everyone is special, irreplaceable, and will follow the thing walking in front of it. That's why we celebrate all individuals, even ones going nowhere. Veridian Dynamics. Because you can't spell "individual" without "Veridian." And "U." And an "L."

Linda: You love rules. You should marry a rule. And have little rule children. And build a house made of rules.
Ted: You mean a house made of my own children.
Linda: That’s between you and your conscience.

HR Woman: All right, let’s call up your file and see what the problem is Mr. Chips.
Ted: Ahhh, its Crisp. Ted Crisp.
HR Woman: No, it says Chips, Ted Chips.
Ted: I know, but that’s not my name.
HR Woman: Don’t take this wrong, but are you sure? Because it is very unlikely the system would make a mistake like that.

HR Woman: The system just deleted you.
Ted: What do you mean deleted me, can you relete me?

Patricia: Maybe he’s dead.
Linda: He’s not dead Patricia. You think everyone’s dead.
Patricia: People die Linda. Ask my dead neighbor.
Phil: He could be at the vending machine. Perhaps that new yogurt caught his eye.
Lem: he doesn’t eat yogurt. He’s Ted. He’s more likely out hitting a homerun or foiling a robbery or—
Bamba: Stop it! We’re scientists, not people who can examine every variable of a phenomenon to determine an accurate understanding of a specific event. Ted’s late. We can’t know why any more than we can unravel the secrets of the universe.
Lem: See how order breaks down without Ted?
Phil: If only Ted were here he could tell us what to do without him.

Veronica: If you have any problems, any at all, you come see me…Although, that would be a huge admission of failure on your part.

Linda: How do you manage all those scientists with their egos and bickering and full frontal nerdity?

Linda: I can't believe company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall... or rub your junk on the C.E.O.'s chair?
Ted: Yes... Yes... and I only use my junk for good, not for evil. With great junk, comes great responsibility.

Get Happy [1.07][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork: it's a beautiful thing. In business, it means working together for a common goal. X-rays show that when people work together, they're happier and less likely to do something weird. Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork. It keeps our employees gruntled.

Ted: The company has a problem. A recent survey showed the morale has dropped from low, which they were okay with, to I’d like to burn this place down…which, frankly, I’m surprised was one of the options.

Clark: And 63% found you too intimidating.
Veronica: Is there such a thing as too intimidating? Is there? Answer me you little bean counter.

Veronica: Nice sweater Lily. I support your decision to wear it. Hi balding guy, I love what you’ve done with the hair you have left. Hello mob, you look confused.

Ted: The company does all sorts of crazy things, that doesn’t mean we have to be crazy too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go seduce a 55 year old man.

Linda: I just made three new friends. Maybe I was wrong about the cubicle themes. For the first time since I've been here, I actually feel like I'm part of something.
Ted: Glad to hear it. I have to go to a strip club tomorrow with a bunch of old men.
Linda: Wow. What theme did the company give you?

Lem: I’m sorry but when I hear an undeserved compliment, it makes my ears want to throw up.
Phil: Oh, your ears are always throwing up about something.

You Are the Boss of Me [1.08][edit]

Commercial: Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we’d be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So listen to your boss. And don’t question them. Otherwise you’re no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary.

Ted: I'm a little preoccupied. I almost killed a man in the basement.
Linda: Huh. Last week a story like that would've surprised me. So who'd you almost kill? Was it Joe? I hate that guy. He took half my cubicle.

Bioshuffle [1.09][edit]

Phil: Why don't you go talk to her?
Lem: Talk to her? Would you talk to a rainbow or a sunset?
Phil: If I wanted to get it on with refracted light, I would.
Lem: If only I was a worm. I could cut myself in two and date my lower half.
Phil: We all wish we were worms, Lem, but that's never going to happen.

Linda: Are you staring at my butt?
Ted: Hm? No. Your butt is in my staring place, so technically, it's staring at me.
Linda: Sorry, it's from a small town. It's never seen a big business man like you before.
Ted: Well, tell it to act more professionally. It's making a spectacle of itself.

Linda: [To her fish] "Mama". Say, "Mama."
Ted: You know, that fish probably has better things to do. Like protect his treasure from that diver. [Referring to the toys in the fishbowl.]
Linda: Okay, first of all, that fish has a name. It's MacGyver. That's right. MacGyver and The Diver. Second of all, they're gay-married. And don't you dare judge-
Ted: You do realize that your report on the hyper-sonic sound project is due tomorrow?
Linda: Whoa, look who's all: "get to work". MacGyver, why do you think Ted's like that? Who do you think he didn't get enough love from? That's right! His Mama!

Linda: [Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready. [Low voice, musically] Are you ready? [High voice, musically] Yes, I'm ready -
Ted: [Low voice, musically] Is your report ready?
Linda: [High voice, musically] No, it's not ready.
Ted: [Low voice, musically] You should have your fish do it.
Linda: [High voice, musically] He can only write, "Mama".

[Linda is bending over, and she's got tape on the seat of her pants. It says, "If you're reading this, you're NOT being PROFESSIONAL."]

Trust and Consequences [1.10][edit]

Veronica: So we're all gonna have to give depositions and say we didn't know this could happen.
Ted: But we didn't know it could happen.
Veronica: Good. That sounds very truthful.
Ted: Because we didn't know.
Veronica: That one wasn't as good.
Ted: But we didn't.
Veronica: There you go. That's the one.
Ted: Veronica!
Veronica: I'd leave my name out of it.

Interviewer: Were you involved in the development of this product?
Veronica: Yes.
Interviewer: And how would you summarize the company's reaction when they found out that the women who used this product were savagely attacked by insects?
Veronica: Ouch.
Interviewer: Will you elaborate on that please?
Veronica: No.
Interviewer: Can you describe your job?
Veronica: Yes.
Interviewer: [Pause] How would you describe your job?
Veronica: Cleverly.

Father, Can You Hair Me? [1.11][edit]

Ted: Veronica, quick question.
Veronica: What is it with everyone and their questions this morning? "Where'd you learn to drive?", "Will you marry me?", "Why would you say that to my baby?"

Veronica: So obviously that whale thing is a winner, or you wouldn't be telling me it's a loser.
Elijah Palmer: Unless it's really a loser, and I'm pretending it's a loser to make you think it's a winner.
Veronica: Or I'm pretending to think it's a winner, when I actually know it's a loser because you said it's a loser to make me think it's a winner.
Elijah Palmer: And so... the student becomes the master.
Veronica: Or the student has always been the master, and just wanted the master to think the master was the master when he was actually just the student.
Elijah Palmer: These conversations are why your mother left us.
Veronica: That, and the fact you porked your way through my sorority.

Jabberwocky [1.12][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. The environment—everyone likes it. And so, we do too. That’s why we’re committed to saving it. Veridian Dynamics is turning every one of our buildings 100% green. It’s ridiculously expensive and spending money makes us sad. But we’re doing it because we love nature, even when it’s being mean or just acting stupid. Veridian Dynamics. Greening our world.

Veronica: There is no program to green the building.
Ted: Yeah there is. They made a commercial about it.
Veronica: I didn't say there wasn't a commercial about greening the building. I said there is no program to green the building.
Ted: So it's all a lie?
Veronica: They prefer to look at it as a dream.
Ted: But one they're not working towards.
Veronica: Are you working toward all your dreams, Ted? Then stop pointing fingers.

Veronica: This is going great!
Ted: Think how great it would be if we'd come up with a product.
Veronica: Products are for people who don't have presentations.

Secrets and Lives [1.13][edit]

Lem: It can find the subject in a crowded stadium, in the background of home movies, security cameras, webcams. It's like having eyes everywhere, but not in a bad way, like that time we spilled that container full of eyes.

Phil: I'm thinking confidence may be one of those things people can't tell if you really have, or are just pretending to have, like the female orgasm.

Season 2[edit]

Love Blurts [2.01][edit]

Ted: So, Veronica, the company wants genetically compatible employees to pair up? Is this the first step in trying to breed someone tall enough to change that light bulb in the lobby?
Veronica: Why do you think there's always some dark motive behind everything the company does? Did the corporation once touch you in a place that made you uncomfortable?
Ted: When they rolled back my pension, I definitely felt it between the cheeks.
Veronica: Okay, fine, this whole thing is about money. Happy now, Mr. Cynical?
Ted: Well, technically, Mr. Cynical can't be happy. It's his power and his curse.

Greg: I have my own little way of acting out.
Linda: Really?
Greg: Yeah.
Linda: What is it?
Greg: No, you're going to think it's strange.
Linda: Oh, come on. I told you my thing.
Greg: All right. Uh, twice a week after work, I put on a totally realistic bear costume and hang out in the park.
Linda: You what now?
Greg: Yeah, it makes me feel powerful. Mighty. I don't scare anyone. I sit around in the bushes, root around for berries. Once I pushed on a camper. You know, bear kind of stuff.

The Lawyer, The Lemur and the Little Listener [2.02][edit]

Linda: I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.
Ted: Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Our team. Over 100,000 strong. And we love all of them. Unless they cross us. Then we'll hunt them down and hurt them. Because that's love, too. Veridian Dynamics. Don't cross us. Ever. Seriously. Just don't.

Battle of the Bulbs [2.03][edit]

Ted: The potential for a long-lasting light bulb is enormous. In a recent study, people's desire to see things ranked third, right after hitting things and trying to have sex with things.

Veronica: I know what you're going through. When my little sister came along, I was very jealous. That feeling never went away—even when she was older and I put testosterone in her orange juice, so she became hairy and unlovable and got kicked off the gymnastics team for doping.
Ted: Oh, my God!
Veronica: I was not a perfect child, Ted. My parents only had so much love, and I got it, and Monkey Girl didn't. Anyway, don't be like that.

It's Nothing Business, It's Just Personal [2.04][edit]

Veronica: I know I've been distracted lately, but I'll be fine. I'm just living an exciting and full life, burning the candle at both ends. The way my great-grandfather, a misunderstood candlemaker, insisted candles should be burned.

Veronica: God, you people are paranoid. No wonder the company has to secretly manipulate you.

The Great Repression [2.05][edit]

Ted: "We are not sleazy. Our department is more like a hard-working squirrel, stuffing its nuts in... wait. We're more like a hard-working beaver... ah, I'm not going to land this metaphor."

Phil: "This must be how Dr. Frankenstein felt. And that creepy scientist on the fourth floor who tried to build a wife out of mannequin parts and chicken skin."
Lem: "Yeah. It was awkward at the Christmas party when we had to pretend she didn't smell like chicken."

Veronica: "Don't fight it?"
Ted: "You'd be surprised how easily that phrase just slides right outta you."
Veronica: "Sheila claims you propositioned her for a threesome."
Ted: "Veronica, I work full-time and I have an 8-year-old daughter. I don't even have the energy for a one-some. This is crazy."

Phil: "I feel like my heart has been kicked in the testicles."

Linda: "I don't want a sex disease especially one that's assigned to me by my supervisor."

Veronica: "Plus several of the executives have their own grope-y, squeezy, unzippy problems and now their jobs are safe too."

Beating a Dead Workforce [2.06][edit]

Veronica: I heard about Jenkins' death. The company feels terrible about it.
Ted: People are working too hard, Veronica. We need to slow down.
Veronica: Legal's position's is, we don't know if hard work killed Jenkins. Legal thinks he may have had high cholesterol. They're also floating the idea that his being dead may have been a pre-existing condition, and that he may not have been alive when we hired him. Apparently he was pretty quiet in his job interview.

Veronica: Sorry, Ted. The company feels that if we ease up because someone dies, it will only encourage other people to die.

Veronica: We're here to talk about Carl Jenkins.
Ted: Gordon.
Veronica: We're here to talk about Carl Gordon.
Ted: Jenkins.
Veronica: Carl Gordan Jenkins.
Ted: Gordon Jenkins.
Veronica: Carl Gordon Jenkins Gordon Jenkins. Are you sure that's right?
Ted: That's fine.

Veronica: Now let's go back upstairs and get to work. For tonight, we dine in hell!

Change You Can't Believe In [2.07][edit]

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's so important. But it's different at work. Time spent with friends at work robs your employer of productivity. And robbing people is wrong. Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It's the same as stealing.

Linda: So did you hear the latest office gossip? Ryan the security guard quit his job because you're a giant douche-mobile. That's right, you're a douche on wheels. Or perhaps a decorative sculpture hanging above a baby douche's crib. The gossip didn't specify.

The Impertence of Communicationizing [2.08][edit]

Janet: The company doesn't make mistakes.
Ted: What about that memo announcing "Casual Fribsday"?
Janet: The company said that wasn't a mistake. They explained that the ancient Mayans prophesied Fribsday, the first ever eighth day of the week which will occur in 2024. Which the company believes should be celebrated casually. I'm going to wear a denim pantsuit.
Ted: And when they urged all employees to "carpoop"?
Janet: That wasn't mandatory. Thank God.
Ted: Although we did find out what people would do to park slightly closer to the building.

Phil: Give a man an insult, he can hurt people for a day. Teach a man to insult, he can hurt people who tease him because he never learned to fish. Anyway, I've devised a formula.
Lem: Look at that. You had a problem in your life and who stepped up to help you? Math. She has always been there for you, hasn't she, Phil?
Phil: If she ever took physical form, I'd leave my wife and marry her.
Lem: Stand in line, my friend.
Phil: Anyway, it's really quite simple. You take a person's most marked physical feature, compare it to genitalia—male, female, or animal—and end with the suffix "-bag," "-wipe", or "-muncher."
Lem: You could also add an optional reference to excretion from any of the glorious openings offered by the human body.

The Long and Winding High Road [2.09][edit]

Linda: Can't we develop one product that doesn't end up being used to kill people? Even our fat-free cinnamon roll led to that new sticky bomb.
Veronica: You're so moral and perfect all the time. Do singing birds and mice dress you and brush your hair in the morning?
Linda: No. Although my dad does call me "Princess." And there is a grumpy dwarf in my building.

Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It's important. What does it mean in business? We have no idea. We know what wrong is. Actually, no, we don't. Because we're a successful company, not some boring ethics professor. Veridian Dynamics. Right and Wrong. It means something. We just don't know what.

Lust in Translation [2.10][edit]

Ted: The Germans are worried about working with us because ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Phil: Wow. That's like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry.

Veronica: [Rehearsing her presentation] "We believe the multi-language translator will create a furor in Germany—a furor that will sweep across Europe, crushing..." No.

Mess of a Salesman [2.11][edit]

Lem: We can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates.

Veronica: A female mentor would have been very valuable for a young Veronica, bursting with potential, yet vulnerable, like a fawn in the woods, but tough, like a fawn in the woods with a machine gun.
Linda: So you're saying you, or this terrifying, murderous fawn, could have used some guidance?
Veronica: Yes, we would have liked that. We're going to raise more money for this charity than it ever has before. The forest will run red with the blood of woodland creatures who doubted little Veronica and will now pay with their furry little lives.
Linda: There's really no middle ground with you. Either you don't care at all, or you care 100-and-crazy-percent.
Veronica: What else is there? Now saddle up Linda, and say goodbye to common sense.

Linda: No. We're not done here. This woman opened her heart, and that happens so rarely you could hear the hinges squeek. I will not let you slam that rusty heart door shut.
Veronica: Go Linda, release your anger!
Linda: You will not crush this woman's spirit and love, you spineless, condescending bureaucrat.
Veronica: Good Linda, only your hatred can destroy him!
Linda: You sir, are a bad egg!
Veronica: Yes, now strike!
Linda: [after headbutting man]: Wow. Where did that come from?
Veronica: I am a good mentor!

Ted: I Convinced Lonny, the odd guy who works in the oddly cold computer room, to keep the cadaver for a while. Might be a little creepy at first, but the cadaver'll get used to him.

It's My Party and I'll Lie If I Want To [2.12][edit]

Veronica: It's not fair, all you people with your kids...Pal-ing around after hours, networking, advancing your careers. And I get left behind just because I don't want to turn my uterus in to a human veal farm.
Ted: Well, some call it the miracle of life, but okay....

Chet: Look at that...I've never seen Olivia so crazy for anyone as she is for your daughter. Kids...There's just no rhyme or reason to some of the ridiculous things they get attached to.
Ted: Yeah...Wait, what?

Ted: [voiceover] How do you convince an eight-year old girl to go to a party she doesn't want to go to? I have no idea. So, I thought I'd ask someone who used to be an eight-year old girl.
Linda: Get her a beautiful, sparkly, pink party dress and a princess tiara. If she doesn't want it, I've got an event coming up I'd wear it to.
Ted: Actually, getting Rose a dress is a great idea. Thanks, Linda! You really are a girl!
Linda: Yes, I am. And it's not just the genitals. It's a whole lifestyle.

Lem: Our self respect demands a harsh response.
Phil: We're thinking about bringing her a coffee and a bagel every morning. Then, when she's grown accustomed to it, we'll inexplicably stop it.
Ted: Guys, why don't you just talk to Linda? Tell her your feelings are hurt and ... Wait a second, you guys stopped bringing me a bagel and coffee two weeks ago!
Phil: You know what you did.

Phil: Let's get her a bagel and some coffee. It is time to start laying the groundwork for pain. In three to six weeks, she's not going to know what hit her.
Lem: I don't know if I can wait that long. We need another plan. Something with more bite that doesn't take weeks, and weeks, and often goes unnoticed.

Veronica: Working on Galaxy Omega would be so exciting—being able to communicate with animals. I've always wanted to tell a giraffe how stupid it looks.
Chet: I've always wanted to ask a baboon why they're called baboons; it's such a ridiculous name. Baboon!
Ted: There may be other applications, beyond insulting animals. Like, learning about the environment.
Veronica: Ugh, don't we have enough humans complaining about that? Now I've got to listen to some hippie bear whining that I'm eating all his salmon!

Swag The Dog [2.13][edit]

Ted: [whispering] We'll spread a rumour that we broke up. Then, when our pretend relationship's over, we can go back to being friends again
Linda: [whispering] That's a great idea! In fact, it's such a great idea, why wait for a rumour to spread? [loudly] You no good louse!
Ted: Oh dear.
Linda: That's right, Crisp. I'm breaking up with you, right here and right now.
Ted: Oh, then it's over. Bye. [Tries to leave]
Linda: You wanna know why?
Ted: Actually, I said "bye," not "why."
Linda: Ok, I'll tell you why. Because you're selfish. Everything is about your career, your job, your... hair! Then, after you neglect me, you realise how spectacular I am and you try to make it with gifts. Oh, the gifts!
Ted: I sound like a monster...
Linda: The jewelery, flowers, clothes, cattle. Cattle? Yes, cattle! What were you thinking?
Ted: Uh, they looked smaller in the catalog?
Linda: Well, they were huge. And you and I are through!


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