This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in in my life. This thing's nicer than my apartment.
[Foley hands the keys to his beat-up car to a valet] Can you put this in a good spot for me? 'Cause all this shit happened last time I parked here.
Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, [shouting] I'm a small reporter from "Rolling Stone" magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article "Michael Jackson Is Sitting On Top of the World," but now I think I might as well just call it "Michael Jackson Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel 'CAUSE THERE'S NO NIGGERS ALLOWED IN THERE!"
[in a strip club] Billy, you know, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick gets hard. Your dick is supposed to get hard. See? That's the whole object of this. Taggart's dick is hard, but he won't let you know 'cause he's the boss. Boss' dick got to stay limp, right? See, I ain't on duty so my dick can be hard.
Tell Victor that Ramon - -the fella he met about a week ago? - -tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10, and I think Victor should go check himself out with his physician to make sure everything is fine before things start falling off on the man.
Inspector Todd: You mind telling me where the fuck you come off going undercover without authorization from me? What the fuck's this all about? You wanna play some fucking bullshit cowboy cop? Go do it in somebody else's precinct!
Axel Foley: Don't you wanna hear my side of the story?
Inspector Todd: What's your fucking side of the story?
Axel Foley: [pause] Let's hear your side of the story.
Inspector Todd: Hey Axel, I'm not takin' anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?
Axel Foley: I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.
Inspector Todd: You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief and the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where the fuck did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?
Axel Foley: From the Dearborn Hijacking.
Inspector Todd: From the Dearborn Hijacking? That fucking bust went down last week! That truck's supposed to be in the damn pound!
Jeffery: I tried to tell you.
Inspector Todd: Jeffery, this is none of your fucking business!
Jeffery: [Pointing to a random locker] This is not my locker!
Inspector Todd: Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every fucking thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Look, Boss, let me tell...
Inspector Todd: [emphatically] Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand. Boss. The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.
Inspector Todd: Don't fuck with me Axel! Not now! Go on. Go home.
Taggart: Why didn't you identify yourself as a police officer when you were arrested?
Axel: Because I was minding my own business. Where the fuck do you guys get off on arresting somebody for getting thrown out of a window?
Taggart: We have six witnesses that say you broke in and started tearing up the place, then jumped out the window!
Axel: And do you guys believe that? What the fuck are you, cops or doormen?
Taggart: We're more likely to believe an important local businessman than a foul-mouthed jerk from out of town.
Axel: Fuck you, man.
Rosewood: [Taggart stands up and draws himself to full height] Hey, Sarge...
Taggart: You watch your mouth.
Axel: [standing] Hey, man. Don't square off on me with some bullshit.
Axel: You want to start some static?
Taggart: Hey, don't push me!
Axel: [shoves Taggart again] Fuck you, man!
[Taggart delivers hard blow to Axel's stomach... Axel doubles over in pain]
Bogomil: [witnessing from his office] Taggart!
Taggart: Yes, sir.
Bogomil: Come here.
[Taggart enters Bogomil's office, both emerge a minute later]
Taggart: I apologize for striking you. I have no excuse.
Axel: [bemused] Forget about it.
Axel Foley: What? Y'all the second team?
Detective McCabe: We're the first team.
Detective Foster: Yeah, and we're not gonna fall for a banana in the tailpipe.
Axel Foley: [mocking him] You're not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this - "Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!" See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long.
Serge: [taking notice to Axel's interest in the artwork] I see you look at this piece.
Axel Foley: Yeah. I was wondering how much something like this went for.
Serge: One hundred and thirty thousand dollar.
Axel Foley: Get the fuck out of here!
Serge: [laughing] No, I cannot! It's serious! Because it's very important piece.
Axel Foley: Have you ever sold one of these?
Serge: [proudly] Sell it yesterday to a collector.
Axel Foley: Get the fuck out of here!
Serge: No! I'm serious! I sell it myself!
Detective Rosewood: Police! You're all under arrest!
[Armed thugs answer with a long hail of machine gun fire]
Sergeant Taggart: You do that again, I'll shoot you myself!