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- Sarah: Why can't we just hire a babysitter like everyone else?
- Barb: Because we're not everyone else.
- Bill: [seeing his father lying on the floor] Oh good lord!
- Lois: He's better today. He's gonna be fine. I don't know why everyone's so up in arms.
- Frank: [hoarsely] Don't let me die.
- Bill: [about his father] He's gotta get to a doctor.
- Lois: No! Remember when he got his fingers caught in the fan? You said doctors and he was fine!
- Bill: He needed 23 stitches!
- Heather: You know, when I'm 21, I really wanna go on a mission and I wish I could go to an Islamic country because I think post-9/11 that part of the world needs our help the most. Don't you think?
- Sarah: I think the whole world needs help.
- Roman: [to Bill] Listen to me, son, carefully. There's man's law and there's God's law... and I think you know which side I'm on.
Viagra Blue [1.2]
- Sarah: You overheard something, and you've been fishing for days. Okay? I'm a polygamist. My parents are. So what?
- Heather: I just wanted to let you know that I know. I just wanted to be friends.
- Sarah: Yeah, well now that you know, what are you gonna do? Rat me out to your State Trooper father?
- Heather: Probably. You know, because I tell him everything. [Sarah stares in horror] Why does everyone think I don't have a sense of humor?
- Nicki: [to Barb, about Margie and Bill having loud sex] Can you believe it? It's like a train whistle!
- Lois: [about Frank's arsenic poisoning] How can he suspect me when I didn't do anything? That's crazy!
- Bill: Fine, fine. So who is gonna pick him up?
- Lois: Why don't you go pick him up?
- Bill: I hate him as much as you do.
- Lois: Then maybe you did it!
- Bill: There's one more thing. My house is three houses.
- Ronnie: What, rentals?
- Bill: No, I live in all three houses.
- Ronnie: In all three?
- Bill: With my family, they're connected...
- Ronnie: All three houses?
- Bill: That's right. Big family.
- Bill: [to Margene] I've been thinking about you. We are links to eternity. Ahead of us, family yet to come, souls to be born; behind us, ancestors — ancestors who sacrificed. We are making those sacrifices to live the principle, to keep faith. Margie, you are a valued member of this family. We weren't complete, not until you. You made us complete. I wasn't complete until you, and our fine sons. What happened was a mistake. It'll never happen again, all right? All right?
Home Invasion [1.3]
- Lois: And this new girl, this Margene you call her.
- Bill: We call her Margene because that's her name!
- Bill: [about the size of the guest list for Wayne's birthday party] Are you crazy?! How many people?!
- Nicki: Just immediate family!... [pause] 153.
- Adaleen: [to Bill, about Nicki] I would never, ever tell you how to run your affairs--she's your wife--but she's always needed a firm hand. She takes well to a good smacking. You too, Barb--just give her a nice little swat!
- Sarah: What's it like being married?
- Rhonda: It's a pre-marriage placement. That's what it's called now, to get around the law until I'm 16.
- [Sarah looks horrified.]
- Rhonda: I wasn't forced! [smugly] The other sister-wives hate me because old Roman likes me best.
- Sarah: Do you love him?
- Rhonda: He's sweet to me. The greatest freedom we have is obedience.
- [Bill comes home late at night and snuggles up to Margie in bed.]
- Margie: [half asleep] Where's Nicki?
- Bill: What??
- Margie: It's Nicki's night. You gotta go.
- [Bill sneaks through the house, across the backyard and up to Nicki's bedroom.]
- Nicki: Honey, what are you doing here?
- Bill: It's our night!
- Nicki: It was. Didn't you get my message? See the Post-It?
- Bill: Post-It?
- Nicki: I traded with Barb.
- Heather: [to Donna] You know what, I've upped my standards, so up yours.
- Barb: [seeing Nicki come home carrying several shopping bags] How's the "family emergency" going?
- Margie: Yeah, somebody die at The Gap?
- Bill: [to Ben, instructing him for the hunting trip] Hey, remember tomorrow: no deodorant, no soap, no mouthwash.
- Sarah: [chuckles] Like you really have to tell him that.
- Ben: How do you know if God's talking to you or if you're just talking to yourself?
- Bill: That's one of the most important challenges in life.
- Ben: I think about sex all the time!
- Brynn: But that's good.
- Ben: No, I can't control it. I get hard-ons in woodshop!
- Nicki: [about Bill] He's been so happy! And he saw me in the car and pretended he didn't see me. And then he gave us flowers to throw me off the trail. I mean, don't you see? Do you see it?
- Wanda: You don't think he's...?
- Nicki: He is, yes! He is seeing a fourth wife. This is exactly what he did when he got interested in Margene. Honestly, I knew even before I knew, you know?
- Wanda: It's so easy to see through them. They're kind of cute that way.
- Nicki: You're the weak link, Margie.
- Margie: What?
- Nicki: We have to be realistic. You can't keep a secret like me and you're not a good liar like Barb.
- Barb: [alarmed] What do you mean I'm a good liar?
- Nicki: With the neighbors. You're so effortless; you're pro.
- Margie: [to her son who's prancing around with no pants on] Aaron! [to Pam] I'm sorry, he just discovered his penis.
- Pam: Don't they all!
Roberta's Funeral [1.6]
- Barb: [to Peg] I don't like the sneaking around. [pause] Actually, I love the sneaking around; it is so exciting.
- Barb: I'm having an affair.
- Peg: With who?
- Barb: Bill.
- Peg: Your husband Bill?
- Margie: Your father said we cannot call a plumber.
- Ben: I know.
- Margie: Do you think he's a cheapskate?
- Ben: Umm, I believe the word is thrifty.
- Nicki: [thinking about baby names] What do you think of the name Noel?
- Bill: I think it says "Kick me and take my lunch money."
- Nicki: [about Barb] Do you think she's happy for me? About the baby?
- Margie: Of course. She loves babies. Sometimes I think she wishes my boys were hers.
- Nicki: Sometimes I think they wish the same thing.
- Sarah: How's Seminary? Made friends with the other brainwashees?
- Ben: Don't call them brainwashed.
- Sarah: Why not?
- Ben: I don't like it.
- Sarah: Good. You still have an opinion.
- Barb: [about sneaking sex] We can't keep doing what we're doing.
- Bill: But I need you.
- Barb: You have me.
- Barb: Who's that?
- Bill: Just Nicki.
- Barb: Oh. What'd she want?
- Bill: No, nothing. [pause] She's ovulating.
- Bill: I promise you, you will not have the baby in this motel.
- Wanda: Oh, I could give birth in a potato patch, I'd survive. It's Joey I'm worried about.
- Heather: You know, I really have some strong opinions about polygamy and I would love to sit down and talk to you about it one day.
- [Sarah looks down, embarrassed.]
- Barb: Wuhh... We should do that sometime.
- Lois: [to Sarah] Aren't you so thoughtful? You didn't used to be. When you were two you slapped me. I didn't like you for a very long time.
- Adaleen: [to Nicki] We all spend like there's no tomorrow, which we were told there wouldn't be on three occasions. But your father's revelations have been a little off the mark lately.
- Wanda: [to Barb, about Frank] I wouldn't let him in your house if I were you. He makes Joey crazy, Bill hates him, and he doesn't pee in the toilet.
- Nicki: Bill's not very good about lifting the seat either.
- Wanda: No, Nicki. He pees in the sink.
- Frank: [to Bill, about Lois] What are you being over-protective of her for? She's like one of Roman's Humvees, you know. The woman is a tank!
- Frank: [to Joey] I'll have some beans there, Fumbles.
- Wanda: I told you, old man, you lay off Joey or else.
- Frank: Or else what?
- Wanda: Or else I'll finish the job someone else started: I'll kill you!
A Barbecue for Betty [1.9]
- Nicki: I love you, Bill.
- Bill: I love you, too.
- Nicki: How much?
- Bill: I say it's astronomical, beyond all measure.
- Nicki: I have $58,000 in debt.
- Margie: Benny, do you remember a few years ago, a vote about me?
- Ben: Which one?
- Margie: The one about me joining the family.
- Ben: Which one?
- Sarah: [to Bill] It hurts to see you lie, Dad. I hate that about this life. Watching you and Mom hide, all of us having to hide.
The Baptism [1.10]
- Margie: I am a terrible wife. I should've never married your father. And your mother.
- Sarah: And Nicki.
- Margie: Especially Nicki.
- Nicki: Margene, you're grounded.
- Margie: Excuse me?
- Nicki: Or you're on probation. You do not involve our kids in your filthy habits.
- Margie: No, no way. You have no authority over me.
- Nicki: Authority? Wait just one minute. I'm second, you're third, get it?
- Margie: Second's not first. It's nothing.
- Cindy: Polygamy one hundred years ago was quaint; polygamy today is foul.
- Margie: Bill, when I married into this family I guess I must have thought I was just marrying you. And now I realize I was marrying all of you. I was marrying sisters, my sisters. That was my choice, and I'd make that choice all over again right now. And I know, I know I've made a lot of mistakes lately, and... alright, maybe always, but I can get better. I will, because, because I wanna be with you guys forever, too. Cause I love you guys and I need you guys. And I never ever want to not be in this family, here or in heaven.
Where There's a Will [1.11]
- Rhonda: Adaleen, did you take your vitamins?
- Adaleen: Yes.
- Rhonda: Cause you forget.
- Adaleen: Well, I didn't.
- [Rhonda leaves the room]
- Nicolette: I don't know how you deal with her.
- Adaleen: I love her and we are all equals. But, last night, I did dream I was trying to push her out the car door while driving along at a pretty quick clip
- Margie: [to Barb and Nicki] I'm happy. I love you both so much.
- Nicki: You're overheated. Put on a hat.
- Ernest Holloway: [about the UEB Council] They also talked about negotiating a contract with NASA to sell clay from one of the mines we own in Moab for the heat shields on the shuttle.
- Bill: They don't believe we even went to the moon and yet they're in business with the agency that didn't go there.
- Barb: I do not want the kids to go to the compound!
- Nicki: All the kids or just your kids?
- Barb: Any kids and certainly not mine. And mine include yours!
- Governor's Aide: Your charity work was important, to be sure, but truthfully it was your cancer that sealed the deal. The first lady is trying to shine a light on survivorship this year. You and your fellow finalists are all survivors.
- Barb: So many people are.
- Governor's Aide: True, but most are merely tumors. Luckily for you, yours had metastasized.
The Ceremony [1.12]
- Adaleen: [to Rhonda] The competition is over. Of course I found out. What kind of sister-wife do you take me for? Get in. Your little Roman holiday is over.
- [Nicki sneaks in on Barb and Margene talking; they don't hear her.]
- Barb: Has she said anything to you about what she's wearing?
- Margie: Nuh-uh.
- Barb: Just try to get her to wear something a little more...I mean, she sticks out like a sore thumb.
- Margie: Oh...
- Barb: I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it's like walking into the Governor's mansion with a sign that says "Practicing Polygamist." She'll never listen to it coming from me, she'll think I'm attacking her. I mean, even just offer to do her hair.
- [Talking about the Mother of the Year event.]
- Rhonda: Why did they pick Barb? Is she more important than you two?
- Margie: Uh, no.
- Rhonda: Well, was there something lacking in you two?
- Nicki: Only one person can be mother of the year. Teenie nominated Barb, so that's how it happened. Here.
- [She hands Rhonda a sandwich.]
- Rhonda: What is it?
- Nicki: Breakfast. To go.
- [Rhonda turns to walk away, then turns back to Nicki.]
- Rhonda: You're irritable, Nicki. Try to find time for a nap this afternoon.
Damage Control [ 2.01]
- Sarah: [to Barb, about polygamy] I don't think anybody knows, Mom, and not everybody cares.
The Writing on the Wall [2.02]
- Nicki: I didn't marry for love. I married for the principle.
- Barb: I didn't. I tried. I don't know if I have a testimony for the principle. But I love you, I love our family more and more.
- Nicki: That frightens me. I don't know that a marriage based on love can go the distance. The secret holiness of the institution. The sanctity of marriage. Without it, it's just random couplings, with no purpose or stick-to-it-iveness. How will we survive the bad times on just love?
- Nicki: [to Margie] Poor Joey and Wanda. They're all they've got. No other spouses to lean on. How are they going to make it through this crisis with only each other?
- Adaleen: [to 10-year-old girl] OK, here's how it goes; it's complicated, so try to follow along. I'm 32nd of 56 children, and when I married Roman I became my own step-grandma, because my father married Roman's daughter, Baylene. [conversation continues off screen] So, little Josie, that makes you my step-grandma, and I'm your stepmom. And when I had Alby he became my great-uncle and I became his great-great-grandmother. Which of course makes me my own grandmother.
Rock and a Hard Place [2.04]
Vision Thing [2.05]
Dating Game [2.06]
- Bill: You're my wife, Margene. You can't be seeing the girl I'm dating.
Good Guys and Bad Guys [2.07]
- Margie: Nicki doesn't have a mom anymore, so she's trying to steal mine.
Kingdom Come [2.08]
Circle the Wagons [2.09]
The Happiest Girl [2.10]
Take Me as I Am [2.11]
Oh, Pioneers [2.12]
- Alby: The believers believe in me.
- Barb: [about Ben] I don't want his respect, I want his love.
Block Party [3.01]
Prom Queen [3.03]
On Trial [3.04]
For Better or for Worse [3.05]
- Barb: Ana makes me feel normal, like choosing this life wasn't a mistake.
Come, Ye Saints [3.06]
- Wayne: He was really scary, Mom!
- Nicki: All Baptists are, honey.
- Nicki: This guy from work? He's a real mover and a shaker, Wanda. He totally made up an excuse to call me yesterday. I think he was flirting with me. Do you think?
- Wanda: Has he chased you at night? Has he tried to put you in the trunk?
- Nicki: He's not really like that. He wears cardigans.
- Wanda: That sounds serious! You're a married woman, you can't be talking about another man's cardigans!
Fight or Flight [3.07]
Rough Edges [3.08]
Outer Darkness [3.09]
- Nicki: If someone needs a letter to validate their faith, what does that say about their faith?
Free at Last [4.01]
- Alby: My destiny has been fulfilled and God shall punish anyone who blocks my glory.
The Greater Good [4.02]
- Bill: We have to defend our most fundamental beliefs no matter the consequences nor matter the sacrifices.
- Don: You know a testimony is true by the peace it is giving to your soul - are you feeling that peace?
- Bill: No.
Strange Bedfellows [4.03]
- Clark: You're pushing your luck.
- Bill: That's what I do Clark.
- Bill: [to Marilyn] Lady, at this point I wouldn't give you $1000 if you were Nancy Reagan herself.
- Alby: [to Dale] I am not gay. Homosexuality is a sin. We were just fooling around.
The Mighty and Strong [4.04]
- Ben: I just thought it would be best if I left for a while.
- Bill: I was just thinking the same thing.
- Margie: My husband abandoned me... I'm just a single mom with three kids trying to sell shiny things.
Sins of the Father [4.05]
- Teenie: Why would anyone want to be a Democrat when we have all the fun?
- Bill: I don't hate you, I just don't want to get into bed with you.
- Marilyn: Well that's definitely not on the menu.
- Barb: You just flirted your way into our marriage as a baby sitter and now you are a cradle robber.
- Margie: F-you Barb!
Under One Roof [4.06]
- Alby: People are trying to turn us against each other. I am not the devil.
- Dale: I know you're not.
- Barb: [to Bill] Everything is for a greater good - is it really for us or are you trying to fix something that's broken in you?
Blood Atonement [4.07]
- Barb: Businesses come and go - Family stays. And I want to make sure your needs are taken care of.
Next Ticket Out [4.08]
- Barb: You write out whatever you want me to say and I will say it - especially since I have no voice of my own.
- Bill: A woman can't have two husbands - it's just unnatural.
End of Days [4.09]
- Barb: [to Bill] I've needed you for twenty years and I don't think I need you anymore
- Marilyn: At least my sins are my own, I don't use God to justify them.
- Marilyn: And you're religion I think is bullshit - just another excuse for fucking around.
- Marilyn: You're like a big pinata Bill. Every time I give you a whack, more goodies fall out.
- Bill: [Election night speech] I'm Bill Henrickson, and I believe in the principle of plural marriage. I am a polygamist.
- Barb: I've gone and torn my family apart and I'm truly sorry.
- Nicki: I'm a different person now and I won't go back to being small.
- Michael: You look about as sad as sad can be.
- Margie: I'm just not having a very good day.
- Michael: Don't you know, there's no such thing as bad days. Just days we haven't seized our opportunities.
- Nicki: [about Margene] I've given up. I've tried everything and my actual sympathy is wearing thin.
- Bill: Now it's time to go back and pick up our lives...we have each other.
A Seat at the Table [5.02]
- Bill: I don't want you drinking in front of the children.
- Barb: You're not gonna shame me and turn me into a closet drinker.
- Charlie: Bill Hendrickson, you are a liar. You are a liar because you lie.
- Adaleen: [to Nikki] Sometimes we have to walk from the past and sometimes we have to embrace it. Heaven help us know the difference.
- Barb: Marge, do you like a blessing?
- Margie: Blessing?
- Barb: Yeah, just a small one. But, sometimes we ache in only ways our heavenly father could help us with.
Certain Poor Shepherds [5.03]
- Alby: How dare you come between a priesthood holder and his wife and children.
- Bill: You're not worthy to be anyone's priesthood holder.
- Margie: I lied about my age. I wasn't 18 when we got married I was 16.
The Oath [5.04]
- Margie: What we have is good. It's always been good. Why are we so ashamed of it now?
- Barb: Because you were 16 years old and you were in bed with my husband.
- Margie: I've noticed things have changed. You don't look at me when we are having sex.
- Bill: That's not true.
- Margie: Yes it is. You're not even looking at me now.
The Special Relationship [5.05]
- Bill: What is it that you want? What is it that you have to have?
- Barb: I've never asked for myself anything in all these years.
- Nicki: [to Barb] Right now I'd like to punch you in your face.
- Bill: First time in our marriage I am worried. This paper divorce is feeling a lot like a real divorce.
Til Death Do Us Part [5.07]
- Bill: [to Margene] Heavenly father got all the pieces right when he made you.
- Adaleen: State marriages have no meaning to me.
- Nicki: Well, they have meaning to me.
- Adaleen: We're on separate paths, Nicolette.
The Noose Tightens [5.08]
- Alby: This is who we are. This is who we always will be. I don't want to kill you Nicki, you're my sister.
- Barb: You might have to hide the Draino Bill, because I might drink it.
- Bill: [to Nikki] If I lose you. If I lose any of you, I lose everything.
- Nicki: [to Cara Lynn] Stop talking about love. People like you don't deserve love.
- Margie: You have to tell them Nikki. You have to tell them now.
- Nicki: Her tutor seduced her.
- Cara Lynn: That's not true. If Greg seduced me, Bill seduced Margene.
When Men and Mountains Meet [5.10]
- Bill: We step out of the shadows and demand our time in the sun.
- Bill: [to Barb] I built this church for you when you were ex-communicated. You know how much it kills me that you can't find a home in it.
- Margie: I was so unformed when I came into this marriage Bill. I now know what I want to do and I'm so afraid that it's too late.
- Bill Paxton - Bill Henrickson
- Jeanne Tripplehorn - Barbara "Barb" Henrickson
- Chloë Sevigny - Nicolette "Nicki" Grant
- Ginnifer Goodwin - Margene "Margie" Heffman
- Amanda Seyfried - Sarah Henrickson
- Douglas Smith - Ben Henrickson
- Grace Zabriskie - Lois Henrickson
- Bruce Dern - Frank Harlow
- Joel McKinnon Miller - Don Embry
- Harry Dean Stanton - Roman Grant
- Daveigh Chase - Rhonda Volmer
- Shawn Doyle - Joey Henrickson
- Melora Walters - Wanda Henrickson
- Matt Ross - Alby Grant
- Mary Kay Place - Adaleen Grant