Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California — 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down. And we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great! But it almost wasn't. You see, 700 years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry: it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.
Ted: Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Future Bill and Future Ted: SIXTY-NINE, DUDE!!!
Ted: Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our...friends.
Bill: This is..Dave Beeth-Oven....Maxine of Arc....Herman the Kid...
Ted: Bob Genghis Khan....So-crates Johnson....Dennis Freud. And uh.... Abraham Lincoln...
Billy the Kid: Way to go, egghead.
Sigmund Freud: What is a geek?
Ted: Our first guest speaker comes from the year 400 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.
Bill: We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.
Ted: He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.
Freud: And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.
Ted: [sits up] Whoa....
Freud: Okay, Ted?
Ted: Yes... Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...
Freud: Bill? [motions toward the couch]
Bill: Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome the very excellent barbarian...
Bill and Ted: MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[The students applaud wildly for Khan.]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, two hours ago totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and....seven minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends: Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other....and....PARTY ON, DUDES!