Jump to content

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Add links
From Wikiquote

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is a 1989 film about two teenagers who utilize time travel in order to complete a history report. It stars Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter and George Carlin.

Directed by Stephen Herek. Written by Chris Matheson and Ed Solomon.

Bill

[edit]
  • Shut up Ted.
  • Be excellent to each other.

Ted

[edit]
  • Party on dudes!

Rufus

[edit]
  • [first lines] Hi. Welcome to the future: San Dimas, California - 2688. And I'm telling you, it's great here. The air is clean. The water is clean. Even the dirt is clean! Bowling averages are way up. Mini-golf scores are way down, and we have more excellent water slides than any other planet we communicate with. I'm telling you, this place is great, but it almost wasn't. You see, seven hundred years ago, the Two Great Ones ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out. If I should fail to keep these two along the correct path, the basis of our society will be endangered. Ah, but don't worry: it'll all make sense. I'm a professional.

Dialogue

[edit]
Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super-band until we get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill, but...I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen before we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments if we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!
Ted: And that is why we need a triumphant video!
Bill and Ted: [think for a second] EXCELLENT! [guitar riff]
[The cuckoo clock strikes 8:00 AM]
Bill: [sees the time] Uh-oh, we're late!
Ted: For what?
Bill: School, dude!
Ted: Oh, yeah.
[In the classroom]
Mr. Ryan: Bill, I'm waiting.
Bill: [beat] He's dead?
Mr. Ryan: So Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short, dead, dude?
Bill: Well, yeah.
Ted: [leans over behind Bill] You totally blew it, dude.
Mr. Ryan: [annoyed] Ted, stand up.
Ted: Stand up?
Mr. Ryan: Yes, son. Stand up. [Ted stands up] Now, who was Joan of Arc?
Ted: [beat] Noah's wife?
[The classmates chuckle in amusement before the bell rings]
[After class]
Bill: Mr. Ryan, before you say anything, my distinguished colleague, Ted, and I wish to express to you our thanks, for all the things we have learned in your class.
Mr. Ryan: And what have you learned?
Bill: [beat] We have, uh...we've learned that the world has a great history.
Ted: Yes! And that, thanks to great leaders such as... [looks at some of the names written on Mr. Ryan's chalkboard] Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method, the world is full of history.
Mr. Ryan: It seems to me the only thing you have learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
Missy: [drives up to Bill and Ted] Hi, Bill. Wanna ride?
Bill Sure, Missy. [Missy glares at him] I mean "Mom".
[Missy smiles and puts on her Ray-Bans]
Ted: [while hopping in] Your stepmom's cute.
Bill: [annoyed] Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
[Ted stops by at his house to pick up his text books, even while his dad is searching in the living room]
Captain Logan: [sees his son came home] Ted?
Ted: [surprised] What are you doin' home, Dad?
Captain Logan: I'm looking for my keys.
Ted: Oh.
Captain Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have ya?
Ted: No, sir.
Captain Logan: I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.
Ted: Me and Bill-
Captain Logan: He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?
Ted: That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy. Sir.
Captain Logan: I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted...
[Back outside]
Ted: [hops back in Missy's car] Dude, we gotta pass; otherwise, there's no more band.
Bill: Why?
Ted: My dad's sending me to military school.
Bill: Where?
Ted: Alaska...
Bill: Okay, Ted: George Washington. One: The father of our country.
Ted: Two: Born on Presidents' Day!
Bill: Three: The dollar bill guy.
Ted: You ever made a mushroom out of his head?
Bill: [annoyed] Ted...Alaska.
Ted: Okay...Um....Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
Bill: [agitated] That's Captain Ahab, dude!
Ted: ...Oh, wait! Remember Disney World? Hall of Presidents?
Bill: [smiles] Yeah, good, what did he say?
Ted: [tries to remember] ...Welcome to the Hall of Presidents!
Ted: Now your dad's going for it. In your own room! [giggles]
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your stepmom is cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?
Bill: SHUT UP, TED!
[Ted grins]
[Outside the Circle K]
Ted: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.
Bill: It's not just a water sport, I knew it.
[A woman enters the store]
Ted: Excuse me? When did the Mongols rule China?
Woman: I don't know, I just work here. [goes inside the store]
Rufus: Greetings, my excellent friends.
Ted: ...Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?
Rufus: Well...Perhaps we can ask them.
Ted: Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?
Future Bill and Future Ted: 69, dudes!
Bill and Ted: Whoa!
[All 4 air guitars]
Bill: [reading from their history textbook] "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."
Ted: [after a pause] That's us, dude!
Bill: Oh, yeah!
[Henry VII and the guards enter]
Bill: How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston!
Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted!
Henry VII: [walks around and suspecting them] Put them in the iron maiden.
[The princesses gasp in horror]
Ted: [not understanding] Iron Maiden?
Bill and Ted: Excellent! [air guitar]
Henry VII: Execute them!
Bill and Ted: [realizing he's serious] Bogus. [being dragged off by the guards]
Ted: [to the princesses] We'll save you, babes!
Ted: Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our...friends.
Bill: This is...Dave Beeth-Oven...Maxine of Arc...Herman the Kid...
Ted: Bob Genghis Khan...So-crates Johnson...Dennis Freud. And uh...Abraham Lincoln...
Sigmund Freud: [to the girls at the mall] Hello, my name is Sigmund Freud. But please, call me "Siggy".
Girl at the Mall: [cracking up] Oh, my God! [laughs with her friend]
Sigmund Freud: You both seem to be suffering from a mild form of hysteria.
Girl at the Mall: [still giggling] You are such a geek! [walks off with her friend, laughing]
Billy the Kid: [sarcastically to Freud] Way to go, egghead. [walks off]
Socrates: [holding his chuckle] Geek! [laughs; follows Billy]
Sigmund Freud: [confused] What is a geek?
Ted: Our first guest speaker comes from the year 400 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.
Bill: We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.
Ted: He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.
Freud: And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.
Ted: [sits up] Whoa...
Freud: Okay, Ted?
Ted: Yes...Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...
Freud: Bill? [motions toward the couch]
Bill: Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.
[Missy nods to Mr. Ryan]
Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Ted: Please welcome the very excellent barbarian...
Bill and Ted: MR. GENGHIS KHAN!
[The students applaud wildly for Khan]
Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, two hours ago totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.
Abraham Lincoln: Fourscore and... [checking his pocket watch] ...7 minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends: Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other...and...PARTY ON, DUDES!
[The students applaud with cheers and whistles very wildly]
Bill and Ted: [smile] No way!
[Last lines]
Bill: You know how to play, Rufus?
Rufus: I play a little. [does a solo of complex guitar riffs]
Bill: [amazed] Most outstanding, Rufus! Let's jam!
[The boys and princesses prepare to jam]
Ted: Bill, my friend?
Bill: Yes, Ted, my friend?
Ted: This has been a most excellent adventure.
Both: 1! 2! 1-2-3-4!
[The band start playing, very badly]
Rufus: [to the camera] They do get better.

Taglines

[edit]
  • History is about to be rewritten by two guys who can't spell...
  • Time flies when you're having fun.
  • Party on, dudes!
  • Brace yourself amigos for a most triumphant video! (UK VHS box)
  • The funniest comedy in the history of history.

Cast

[edit]

See also

[edit]
[edit]
Wikipedia
Wikipedia
Retrieved from "https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Bill_%26_Ted%27s_Excellent_Adventure&oldid=3634714"