Blackadder's Christmas Carol

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[Blackadder shouts from outside.]
Ebenezer Blackadder: HUMBUG! HUMBUG!
[Blackadder enters his shop, holding a paper bag]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Humbug, Mr. Baldrick?
[Blackadder offers him the bag, which contains humbug sweets.]
Baldrick: Oh, thank you very much.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, I've got all the presents.
Baldrick: And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, splendid! Let's see... "A Very Messy Christmas". I'm sorry, Mr Baldrick, shouldn't that be 'Merry'?
Baldrick: "A Merry, Messy Christmas"? Alright, but the main thing is it should be messy - messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes. I do fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet. Be that as it may, A Merry, Messy Christmas. "Christmas" has an 'H' in it, Mr Baldrick.
Baldrick: Oh.
Ebenezer Blackadder: And an 'R'. And an 'I', and an 'S'. Also a 'T', an 'M', an 'A', and another 'S'. Oh, and you've missed out the 'C' at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr. Baldrick, something of a triumph, I believe. You must be the first person ever to spell "Christmas" without getting any of the letters right at all. [The end credits reveal Baldrick initially spelled it as "Kweznuz"]
Baldrick: Well, I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the Workhouse Nativity Play.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, of course! How did it go?
Baldrick: Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh dear. This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's entertainment. What on earth did you do?
Baldrick: Got another Jesus.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, thank goodness. And his name?
Baldrick: Spot. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was 'Woof'.
Baldrick: Well, it went alright 'til the shepherds came on. See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool-
Ebenezer Blackadder: On some other dogs.
Baldrick: Right. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away! While the angel's singing, Jesus scampers across the floor and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren't the children upset?
Baldrick: Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter - they want to see us nail up the dog.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Ah, the playful young scamps, eh? Still, what a lovely thought it is: at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.

Queen Victoria: What are you doing, Albert?
Prince Albert: Nothing.
Queen Victoria: Oh, yes you are, you naughty German sausage. Tell me what you're doing.
Prince Albert: I just said I'm not doing anything! Really, woman, when you're busy ruling India, you don't tell me what you are doing. So why should I tell you what I am doing when I am busy wrapping up this cushion for your surprise Christmas present?
Queen Victoria: [delighted] Oh!
Prince Albert: [annoyed at himself] Dem! Now I only have two surprise presents for you.
Queen Victoria: Oh, dear Albie, don't worry. I don't mind.
Prince Albert: [sad] I do! I love surprises. Christmas without surprises is like nuts without a nutcracker. Which is why I have brought you this surprise nutcracker... Dem! Dem!
Queen Victoria: Oh, darling Bobo, don't worry. Besides, haven't you forgotten something?
Prince Albert: What?
Queen Victoria: Our traditional Christmas adventure.
Prince Albert: [jubilant] Oh yes, the traditional Christmas adventure! Huzzah!
Queen Victoria: [jubilant] Huzzah!
Prince Albert: [confused] What traditional Christmas adventure?
Queen Victoria: Silly soldier. You know, when we disguise ourselves as common folk and go out amongst the people to reward the virtuous and the good.
Prince Albert: Oh yes, of course! Dummkopf! How could I forget? For it is precisely such an outing that I have brought you my final surprise present. This muff, which I'm going to give you tomorrow... Dem. Dem! Dem!

Ebenezer Blackadder: Ah, excellent. What a splendid spread - nuts, turkey and presents. What more could a man desire at Christmas?
Baldrick: Well, a tree.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, of course! I quite forgot. I dropped by Mr Thitwhistle's Garden Emporium, and, I think you'll agree, got quite a bargain on this special Christmas twig.
Baldrick: It's a bit of a tiddler, innit?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes, but size isn't important, my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it. [places the twig in a candlestick holder] Besides, look. We've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks.
Baldrick: How much is it?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Seventeen pounds and a penny.
Baldrick: It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, yes, but in the Feeling-Good ledger of life, we are rich indeed.
Baldrick: I just wish we weren't doing so well in the Bit-Short-Of-Prezzies-And-Being-A-Guillible-Prat ledger.

Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, baste my steaming puddings!

Ebenezer Blackadder: Ah, Mrs Scratchit! Greetings to you on this merry Yuletide Eve.
Mrs Scratchit: Oh, Mr Blackadder! How can I be merry when we are so poor? We shall have nothing to eat on Christmas Day, except what Grandfather can scrape from under his big toenails. No goose for Tiny Tom this year!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats any more heartily he will turn into a pie shop.

Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, peel my tangerines!

Baldrick: Go on, my lord. Give it a little pull. You know you want to. It'll be ever so exciting.
Lord Blackadder: [completely uninterested] Oh, god. [Blackadder pulls the tiny Christmas cracker with Baldrick. There's a squeak instead of a bang] [sarcastic] Yes, terrifying.
Baldrick: And look, there's a surprise present inside. It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend.
[Baldrick gives the death warrant to Blackadder]
Lord Blackadder: [sarcastic] Oh, just what I've always wanted.[crumples it into a ball]
Baldrick: Have you got anything for me?
Lord Blackadder: Oh it's nothing, really!
Baldrick: [touched] Oh sir!
Lord Blackadder: No, it's really nothing; I haven't got you anything. I spent all my cash on this damn thing for the Queen. [reveals a portrait of Elizabeth I] She'd better bloody like it, she dropped enough hints. That woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside. Door!

Lord Blackadder: Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.
Lord Melchett: And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
Lord Blackadder: I'm glad I saw you; I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas. So I wouldn't get her a present this year.
Lord Melchett: Oh, I'm indebted to you for that advice, Blackadder, and I shall, of course, follow it to the letter...[under his breath as he walks away] the day I get my brain replaced by a cauliflower.
Lord Blackadder: [jubilant] Ha! Got him with my subtle plan!
Baldrick: I can't see any subtle plan.
Lord Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle Plans are Here Again!". It what we call a double bluff. Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I tell him. He'll go get an enormous present, bring it to the Queen, and [makes throat cutting motion and sound]
Baldrick: What, he'll turn into a duck?
Lord Blackadder: Yes...

Nursie: Pity about this, tinky-wink; you always used to love this time of year!
Queenie: I know. Leaving a little mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas, and then scoffing it, because I was a princess and could do what I bloody well liked!
Nursie: And wondering if your father's wife would last until Boxing Day without having her head cut off.
Queenie: We knew if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be alright.
Nursie: Happy days.
Queenie: Yes. Maybe I was a little rash.

Queenie: Now Blackadder, what have you got me?
Lord Blackadder: [having destroyed her Christmas present] Um...
Queenie: I WANT A PREZZIE! Give me something nice and shiny, and if you don't, I've got something nice and shiny for you: it's called AN AXE!

[after the Spirit of Christmas has shown Ebenezer a vision of Lord Blackadder]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Good grief!
Spirit of Christmas: Horrible, eh? What a pig!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes, but, clearly, quite a clever, charming pig. Er, but, no, his behaviour was disgraceful.
Spirit of Christmas: Aye, you're a great improvement on them all. You're a good boy!
Ebenezer Blackadder: 'Them'? Are there more?
Spirit of Christmas: Oh, yes. Have a shufti at this. [starts the next vision]

Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: So, shall I begin the story, sir?
The Prince Regent: Absolutely, as long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land!
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: You mean, Jesus?
The Prince Regent: Yes, that's the bloke! Keep him out of it; he always spoils the Xmas atmos!

[Blackadder tricks Prince George into giving away his Christmas presents with the help of an old woman whom he thinks is Baldrick in disguise, as per the plan]
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: Excellent, excellent, Baldrick, a triumph! [sees the vestibule is empty] Baldrick? Baldrick?
[Baldrick walks, dressed unconvincingly as a woman and nothing like the old woman Blackadder let in]
Baldrick: Sorry, Mr. B. I was just showing a sweet old granny to the door. Are we ready?
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: What?
Baldrick: Well, I answered the door and it was this sweet old granny collecting for charity, so I let her in.
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: Ah...
Baldrick: Something wrong, Mr. B.?
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: No, I should've known not to trust a man with the mental agility of a rabbit dropping.
Baldrick: Sorry, Mr. B.
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: Oh, it's perfectly alright, it's not your fault. [he floors Baldrick with a punch] Still, I fear for a frail, elderly woman, laden down with valuables, traveling through the inadequately lit streets of London.
Baldrick: Yeah, she's not safe!
Edmund Blackadder, Esq.: Well, not from me, certainly! [punches Baldrick again and storms out]

[after the Spirit of Christmas has shown Ebenezer a vision of Edmund Blackadder, Esq.]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Very amusing!
Spirit of Christmas: In what way?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Um, the wigs. Very amusing wigs. But his behaviour, as you say, disgraceful. But... but he actually got the presents?
Spirit of Christmas: [haltingly] Y-yes.
Ebenezer Blackadder: So there is something to be made out of being bad?
Spirit of Christmas: Technically. Technically, yes. But that's not the point, is it? It's the soul. The soul.
Ebenezer Blackadder: As a matter of interest, what would happen in the future if I was bad?
Spirit of Christmas: Erm... heavens, is that the time? I really must be off!
Ebenezer Blackadder: I'd love to see Christmas Future!
Spirit of Christmas: Oh no, you wouldn't. It's terribly melodramatic.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Look, just show it. Please?
Spirit of Christmas: Alright. [halfheartedly begins the next vision]

Triple-Husbandoid: Hail Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe!
Queen Asphyxia: And hail to you, my Triple-Husbandoid! I summon you here to group-greet our swift imperial navies home. Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob!
Admiral Blackadder: Morning.
Frondo: To you, Blackadder — thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouser-Pod — this much greeting.
Pigmot: I, too, bold navigator, cringe my dribblies at your resplendent pofflesnu!
Blackadder: Yes, well, that won’t be necessary, thank you.
Queen Asphyxia: Approach your slave: Baldrick! [he enters wearing leather underpants and poses]
Admiral Blackadder: For God’s sake, Baldrick . If you’re going to wear that ridiculous jockstrap, at least keep your legs together.
Baldrick: [stands and salutes] Wilco, skipper!
Admiral Blackadder: Majesties, I give you this much greeting.
Frondo: What news of the foul Malmydons?
Admiral Blackadder: Scattered to the Nine Vectors, My Lord.
Frondo: And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatican Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast’s nobbo?
Admiral Blackadder: ...Well they're all dead, if that's what you mean.
Pigmot: Plus, Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?
Admiral Blackadder: No, My Lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibblies because you just made them up.
Pigmot: Dammit!
Queen Asphyxia: [laughs] Excellent, Commander! You have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch. Now, bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
Admiral Blackadder: Majesties, from a place where the stars begin and end, I bring you this.
[Blackadder holds up a crystal sceptre.]
Nursie: Ooh, lovely, an ashtray!
Pigmot: Come, Majesty, he wastes our time!
Frondo: Yes, send him to the Sprouting Chamber!
Queen Asphyxia: No, wait! What is it, Commander?
Admiral Blackadder: Well, I'll show you, shall I?
[A blinding light shoots out of the scepter, and when it clears, Queen Asphyxia is left alone on the throne. Blackadder then hands the sceptre to Baldrick and approaches the queen]
Admiral Blackadder: And now, Your Majesty, I must respectfully insist that you hand over to me supreme command of the universe, sew a button on my spare uniform and marry me this afternoon.
Queen Asphyxia: [eagerly] I thought you'd never ask.

Triple-Husbandoid: Hail Queen Asphyxia, Supreme Mistress of the Universe!
Queen Asphyxia: And hail to you, my Triple-Husbandoid! I summon you here to group-greet our swift imperial navies home. Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob!
Admiral Baldrick: Hail!
Queen Asphyxia: And your slave.
[Blackadder walks in wearing leather underpants]
Queen Asphyxia: What's his name?
Admiral Baldrick: I can't remember, Your Majesty.
Frondo: No matter, Supreme Marshal of the Smells. What news of the Foul Malmydons?
Admiral Baldrick: Good news...
Queen Asphyxia: Excellent!
Admiral Baldrick: ...for the Malmydons. They wiped out our entire army. Sorry, I got a bit confused and dropped a bomb on our own lot.
Queen Asphyxia: Silence, squidling! Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.
Admiral Baldrick: Oh damn, I forgot the bloody present.

Ebenezer Blackadder: So one way, it's glory everlasting, the other, it's wearing Baldrick's posing pouch.
Spirit of Christmas: Well, it's not so simplistic, but it does at least point to a very clear lesson.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Namely?
Spirit of Christmas: Namely that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it.
Ebenezer Blackadder: You don't think it points to the very clear lesson that bad guys have all the fun?
Spirit of Christmas: No, absolutely not! The rewards of virtue are infinitely more attractive. Picture it - quiet evenings in your hovel alone. A bible. Your own turnip.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, well, that makes all the difference.
Spirit of Christmas: So you're going to be a good boy then?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, absolutely.
[The spirit looks at Ebenezer suspiciously]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Would I lie to you?

[after the Spirit of Christmas has left. Ebenezer Blackadder wakes up the next morning]
Baldrick: Mr. Blackadder? [comes into the room holding his sock] Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear me, [takes the sock] but don't be too unhappy. [puts his hand into the sock] Because if you look very carefully there's something in this stocking from me. In fact, it's something I made for you.
Baldrick: Well that's the kind of present that shows the most love. What did you make for me, Mr. B?
Ebenezer Blackadder: I've made you...[holds out his fist] a fist.
Baldrick: A fist?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes, it's for hitting.
[punches Baldrick in the face]
Ebenezer Blackadder: What's wonderful about it is that you can use it again.
[punches Baldrick again]
Ebenezer Blackadder: And again.
[punches Baldrick again]
Ebenezer Blackadder: And again.
[punches Baldrick again]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, what do you say?
Baldrick: Thank you, Mr. B.
Ebenezer Blackadder: [puts his fist back into the sock] Think nothing of it, Baldrick. I after all think nothing of you.
[punches Baldrick again. There's a knock on the window, which comes from the young boy who swindled Ebenezer out of his last penny.]
Boy: Oi, gitface! How 'bout a penny for the season?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Hark! Do I hear the voice of a darling little cherub at the window?
[Ebenezer walks over and opens the window, causing the boy to fall to the ground with a scream.]
Ebenezer Blackadder: No, I must have imagined it.
[The doorbell rings.]
Baldrick: Shall I get that, sir?
Ebenezer Blackadder: No, Baldrick, leave them out in the snow until I get dressed. I'll only be about forty minutes.

[After getting dressed, Blackadder has Baldrick open the door, revealing the Beadle and the three fat orphans who swindled him out of his nuts. The Beadle has icicles hanging from his hat, and the orphans icicles hanging from their nostrils]
Beadle: Compliments of the season, sir. We have come to sing merrily and to make you a gift of a small pudding. Three, four!
Beadle & Fat Orphans: [singing]
"God bless Mr. B. at Christmastime,
And Baby Jesus too.
If we were little pigs, we'd sing 'Piggy wiggy, piggy wiggy woo!
Piggy wiggy, wiggy wiggy, wiggy wiggy, wiggy wiggy, piggy wiggy, wiggy wiggy woo!
Oh, piggy wiggy wiggy woo, piggy wiggy woo!
Oh, piggy wiggy, piggy wiggy, wiggy wiggy woo!'"
Ebenezer Blackadder: [smiles, claps his hand four times] Utter crap.
Beadle: Thank you very much, sir.
1st Fat Orphan: Do we get a Christmas treat now?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes, indeed, you do.
2nd Fat Orphan: What is it?
Ebenezer Blackadder: It's... a door in the face. Here you are. [slams the door shut.]

[Ebenezer is visited by his goddaughter Milicent, who took his presents and Christmas twig, and her fiancé, Ralph.]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker - one massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off.
[Unsure of how to make of this, Milicent and Ralph respond with their ear-grating, joyful, cackling laughter.]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Shut up!
Milicent: Oh, Mr. Blackadder, what's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the... the horridest man in the world!
Baldrick: I was thinking the same thing.
Ebenezer Blackadder: [smacks Baldrick on the back of the head] When spoken to. [to Milicent] I would explain, my dear, but I fear you wouldn't understand, blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book.

[A reformed Ebenezer Blackadder hands Baldrick the money he just lifted from his goddaughter's fiancé.]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus. I'm going to have a party, and no one's invited but me!
[As he goes to leave, the door opens, and Mrs. Scratchit, a con artist who had openly extorted £17 from him the previous day, enters]
Mrs. Scratchit: Coo-eee!
Ebenezer Blackadder: No peace for the wicked.
Mrs. Scratchit: [sweetly] Ah, Mr. Ebenezer, I was wondering if you had perhaps a little present for me? Or had found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?
Ebenezer Blackadder: I've always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchit, and more than a little. [she looks shocked] As for Tiny Tom's Christmas, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.
Mrs. Scratchit: But he's a cripple!
Ebenezer Blackadder: He's not a cripple, Mrs. Scratchit. Occasionally saying "phew, my leg hurts" when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick.
Baldrick: It did, actually.
Ebenezer Blackadder: However, if you want something for lunch, [picks up a pale with a streak of grey slop down its' side] take this. It's a pound a lump and, as luck would have it, there are 17 lumps left. [Takes back the money she had swindled from him earlier] Thank you.
Mrs. Scratchit: But what about my Tiny Tom?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, if I was you, I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day.
[Mrs. Scratchit walks out, crying]
Baldrick: Mister B, where's the milk of human kindness?
Ebenezer Blackadder: It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks. [the doorbell rings] Get that, and whoever it is, slam the door in their face, otherwise I'll slam your face in the door!

[Baldrick opens the door to Queen Victoria, Prince Albert and their aide.]
Prince Albert: Hello, small dwarf fellow. Is this the house of renowned philanthropist and all-around softie Ebenezer Blackadder?
Baldrick: Well, Mr Blackadder lives here, but-
Prince Albert: Ah, that is good, because we have a wundebar secret.
Baldrick: What secret?
Queen Victoria: We are Queen Victoria.
Baldrick: What, all three of you?
Queen Victoria: [laughs] My dear little is our Royal Seal [she presents it to Baldrick, who goes down on one knee]. We have come to present your master with £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder for being the kindest man in England!
Baldrick: Lovely, your Majesty. [Blackadder, not realising what's going on, storms over]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Baldrick, what did I tell you I'd do if you didn't slam the door in the faces of these scrounging loafers?
Baldrick: But, Mr. Blackadder- OW! [As promised, Blackadder slams the door in Baldrick's face, then slams it shut on the royals]
Ebenezer Blackadder: I'm not at home to guests. [the royals let themselves in again]
Prince Albert: I flatter myself, we are rather special guests.
Ebenezer Blackadder: [sarcastic, not realising who they are] But of course! I must apologise; it is not often that one receives a Christmas visit from two distinguished guests!
Prince Albert: Ah, so you recognise us at last?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes, unless I'm very much mistaken, you're the winner of the "Round Britain Shortest, Fattest, Dumpiest Woman" competition. And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year's "Stupidest Accent Award" is really quite overwhelming. [Victoria and Albert look mortified]
Queen Victoria: Sir, I cannot believe-!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Cork it, fatso! Don't you realise that this is the Victorian Age where, apart from Queen Piglet Features herself, [Albert covers her ears] women and children are to be seen and not heard.
Prince Albert: [outraged] Queen Piglet Features!?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes, Empress Oink, as lads call her. The only person in the kingdom that looks dafter than her is that stupid frankfurter of a husband. [Albert covers his own ears] "The Pig and the Prig", we call them! How they ever managed to produce their 112 children is quite beyond me. The bed chambers at Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds.
Queen Victoria: Sir, we have never been so insulted in our entire lives! [they storm out]
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, all I can say is you've been damn lucky.