Blackadder: The Cavalier Years

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Blackadder: Baldrick!
Baldrick: Yes, sir?
Blackadder: Get me some mulled ale. I'm freezing.
Baldrick: How's the king, sir?
Blackadder: Um, about as comfortable as can be expected for a man who's spending the winter in a blackcurrant bush.
Baldrick: D'you think the Roundheads'll find him?
Blackadder: Certainly not. I've assured him he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.
Baldrick: Is that true?
Blackadder: Of course it's true. Have you ever known me to lie to the king?
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: [Grabs Baldrick by the collar and holds a knife to his throat]
Baldrick: Nope.
Blackadder: He's absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.
Baldrick: You can trust me, sir.
Blackadder: [laughs mirthlessly, then puts the knife down] Right, Baldrick, I'm off to answer the call of nature. If, by any freak chance, Oliver Cromwell drops in here in the next ninety seconds, remember: the king is not hiding here.
Baldrick: Yes, sir. [goes back to his work and starts singing Greensleeves as Blackadder leaves and Oliver Cromwell and a Roundhead soldier come in]
Cromwell: Good evening, citizen. I am Oliver Cromwell. [draws his sword] My men have surrounded your house while I search for royalist scum. Is the king hiding here?
Baldrick: Um... [struggles to remember, then finally answers...] No.
Cromwell: On pain of death and damnation, are you absolutely sure?
Baldrick: Yes, I am.
Cromwell: I see. [sheathes his sword] Well then, you wouldn't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?
Roundhead Soldier: Men, come in from the cold!
Cromwell: Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.
Baldrick: Alright, but don't touch the purple cup.
Cromwell: Why not?
Baldrick: That's the king's.

Baldrick: [singing as he slices a fish up] There's a tavern in the town, in the-!
Blackadder: For god's sake, stop that, Baldrick! It's bad enough having one's life in utter ruins without being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap-dancing oyster.
Baldrick: I'm sorry, sir. I can't help it. See, I've just had a little windfall.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden.
Baldrick: I mean I've come into some money.
Blackadder: Really? Family inheritance?
Baldrick: Nah, I ate that ages ago.
Blackadder: Yes, of course. Your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.
Baldrick: No, it was fifty pounds, actually. This is just a little something that fell in my lap.
Blackadder: Not the first time there's been a little something in your lap, Baldrick.
Baldrick: No, but this one is a job.
Blackadder: Really? I just don't understand it. Where on Earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul, so low and degraded as to accept the job of beheading the King of England? [as his words sink in, Blackadder has a realisation] Baldrick? That little job that fell into your lap? It wasn't, by any chance, something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask and the King of England?
Baldrick: No.
Blackadder: Go on...
Baldrick: I couldn't find a basket.
Blackadder: You very small total bastard! [grabs a meat cleaver and holds it to Baldrick's throat]
Baldrick: Please, Sir, don't kill me! I have a cunning plan to save the king!
Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your family's record in the department of cunning planning is about impressive as Stumpy Oleg McNoLeg's personal best in the Market Harborough marathon! [sighes] All right, what's the plan?
Baldrick: [holds up a pumpkin]
Blackadder: A pumpkin is going to save the king?
Baldrick: Ah. But over here, I have one that I made earlier. [holds up a pumpkin with a face and wig] I will balance it on the King's head, like this, then I will cover his real head with a cloak. And then, when I execute him, instead of cutting off his real head, I will cut off the pumpkin and the king survives!
Blackadder: I'm not sure it's going to work, Balders.
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: Because once you've cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say "This is the head of a traitor," at which point they will shout back "No, it's not. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic mustache drawn on it."
Baldrick: I suppose it's not 100 percent convincing...
Blackadder: It's not 1 percent convincing. However, I am a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment. Here is my fist. Kindly run towards it as fast as you can. [Baldrick does so] I just don't understand. What possessed you to take the job?
Baldrick: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It was just a wild, silly, foolish plan. I thought, with the money I got from executing the king, I could sneak out and buy a brand new king when no one was looking and pop him back on the throne without anyone noticing.
Blackadder: Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants. You'd do anything for thirty pieces of silver, wouldn't you?
Baldrick: It was a thousand pounds, actually, sir. Plus tip.
Blackadder: [His eyes light up and he takes the money bag from Baldrick] Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it. And it should be done in a single stroke by someone who actually owns an axe. We don't want you hacking away all day with that cheap penknife of yours. It'd be so embarrassing to see King Charles staggering around Hampton Court with his neck flapping like a fish's gills.
Baldrick: Sir, you don't mean-?
Blackadder: Yep, I'm doing it. Lend me your costume, then go meekly to the king and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackadder cannot be with him. And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.

Baldrick: So that's why he can't be here. Sorry.
King Charles I: I see. I... I quite understand.

[Baldrick leaves the room, then Cromwell and Blackadder (disguised as the executioner) arrive.]

Cromwell: Sir, the moment has arrived. Are you ready to meet your maker?
King Charles I: Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people of all walks of life, but, yes, particularly from manufacturing industries, which is my area of expertise.
Cromwell: Well then, have a quick walk-and-talk with your executioner and let's get on with it! [Leaves]
King Charles I: [to Executioner] I'm sorry, my friend, I'm alone here today. I had hoped that my good, loyal chum, Sir Edmund Blackadder, would be here with me, but unfortunately his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry patch. So, naturally, he can't be with us.
Blackadder: [Nasally voice] Uh-huh.
King Charles I: All I can do is bid you do your duty well.
Blackadder: [Nasally voice] Well, thank you, Your Majesty. And may I say how much I mourn for your lot and bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.
King Charles I: Thank you. I take great solace in-
Blackadder: [Nasally voice] Sir Thomas More, for instance. A great, generous man to the last. He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely. [Holds out his hand]
King Charles I: Really? I'm so sorry. I thought service was included. Um, here you are. [Hands out a single coin.]
Blackadder: [Nasally voice] And then there was the Earl of Essex.
King Charles I: Was there?
Blackadder: [Nasally voice] A truly great man. They still sing his famous ballad down the Chepstow Arms.
King Charles I: What ballad is that?
Blackadder: [Nasally voice, singing] The Earl, he had a thousand sovereigns, hey nonny no! Gave them all away to the man with the axe-o!
King Charles I: A thousand sovereigns?
Blackadder: [Nasally voice] Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty.
King Charles I: True. Here, do keep the change. [Hands over the whole money bag.]
Blackadder: [Accidentally slipping back to his normal voice] Thank you, Your Majesty. Right, shall we go?
King Charles I: Just a moment! That voice has a strangely familiar ring. And so does that finger!

[King Charles takes off the executioner's cowl.]

King Charles I: Blackadder!
Blackadder: Hello, Your Majesty!
King Charles I: You cunning swine!
Blackadder: Yes, well, uh-
King Charles I: Marvellous! Splendid! You've duped Cromwell and concocted a cunning plan to help me and my son escape to France!
Blackadder: Ah yes, that's right. Yes.
King Charles I: So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away!
Blackadder: Yes, let's. Uh... Well, you start the ball rolling.
King Charles I: No, no, after you.
Blackadder: Right. Yes... Ah, oh yes! Yes, right, and it's a very good plan. It's a staggering, bowel-shatteringly good plan.

Baldrick: Well, sir, they can't say you didn't try. Now the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms in the person of this infant prince. And with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.
Blackadder: Quite.
Baldrick: On the other hand, you can stay here, and as a known royalist, the Roundheads'll come and cut your head off.
Blackadder: Exactly, Baldrick.

[Banging on the door]

Blackadder: Oh my god!
Roundhead Soldier: Open up, or we'll burn the house down!
Baldrick: Oh no! We're surrounded! What'll we do?
Blackadder: At times like this, Baldrick, there is no choice for a man of honour. He must stand, fight and die in defense of his... future sovereign.

[More banging on the door]

Blackadder: Fortunately, I'm not a man of honour.

[Blackadder tosses the infant prince to Baldrick, then removes his hair, moustache and beard to reveal a clean-shaven face and a blond bowl head haircut just as Cromwell bursts in.]

Blackadder: [to Cromwell] Thank god you've come! [points at Baldrick] Seize the royalist scum!