BoJack Horseman

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BoJack Horseman (2014– ) is an American animated sitcom created by Raphael Bob-Waksberg. The series focuses on BoJack Horseman, the washed-up star of the mid-'90s sitcom Horsin' Around, as he plans his big return to celebrity relevance with a tell-all autobiography that he dictates to his ghostwriter Diane Nguyen. BoJack also has to contend with the demands of his agent and on-again-off-again girlfriend Princess Carolyn, the misguided antics of his freeloading roommate Todd Chavez, and his frenemy Mr. Peanutbutter, who is also Nguyen's boyfriend. The series satirizes Hollywood, celebrity culture, and the film industry.

Season 1[edit]

BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story, Chapter One [1.01][edit]

Charlie Rose: In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin' Around premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human children, was initially dismissed by critics as "broad" and "saccharine" and "not good". But the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin' Around, BoJack Horseman, is our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack.
BoJack: It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic...
Charlie Rose: It's really no problem.
BoJack: I parked in a handicapped spot, I hope that's okay.
Charlie Rose: You parked in a—?
BoJack: I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that the... proper... nomenclature?
Charlie Rose: Maybe you should move the car.
BoJack: No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm-I'm incredibly drunk.
Charlie Rose: You're telling me that you're drunk right now?
BoJack: Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.
Charlie Rose: Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin' Around. To what do you attribute the show's wide appeal?
BoJack: Charlie, listen, y'know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you— Is it okay to say "shit"?
Charlie Rose: Please don't.
BoJack: 'Cause I— I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure—but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra. And sometimes, when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likeable people who love each other. Where, y'know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes... everything's gonna turn out okay. Y'know, because in real life... Did I already say the thing about the urethra?
Charlie Rose: Well, let's talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show's cancellation eighteen years ago?
BoJack: That's a great question, Charlie. I, uh... Uh, I... [beat] Ummm...

Todd: Morning, sunshine! [BoJack groans] Why so gloomy, roomy?
BoJack: First of all, we're not roommates. You are my houseguest.
Todd: Well, we don't need to put labels on things.
BoJack: You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.
Todd: Because my parents kicked me out and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don't want anyone to know it—
[BoJack turns on the blender for Todd to finish his sentence before turning it off]
Todd: secretly have a good heart.
BoJack: You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle". I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.
Todd: That's on you for making assumptions. Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.
[BoJack groans and he shuts the compartment door]
Todd: Did you say you've had tapeworms?

BoJack: 'Neigh way, Jose!' I improvised that line. I mean, it was scripted, but I gave it the ol' BoJack spin.

Todd: Are you drunk?
BoJack: Todd, I weigh 1200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk... Yes.

Princess Carolyn: I don't know how you expect me to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.

BoJack: As my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?
Princess Carolyn: No way. You are in the prime of your life; you've never looked better!
BoJack: And as my ex-girlfriend?
Princess Carolyn: You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.
BoJack: Wait, so, which pile of crap am I?
Princess Carolyn: The third one.
BoJack: What? That's the worst one!

Princess Carolyn: So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?
BoJack: I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented! You walked in at the worst possible moment.

Mafia Boss: Señor Horseman, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally... for life! [smooches BoJack's cheek] Let's dance!
BoJack: Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these people?
Todd: Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.
BoJack: Is this a quinceañera?
Todd: Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a quinceañera. Now who's racist?

Diane: Do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?
BoJack: The dad from The Brady Bunch? As I recall, he was raising three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.
Diane: No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?
BoJack: That's not all that was beneath him! ...Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.
Diane: Most people don't even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You're actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?
BoJack: Good Lord, that's depressing.
Diane: No, it's not.
BoJack: Responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast.

BoJack Hates the Troops [1.02][edit]

BoJack: Excuse me. [walks to two girls and a chicken girl] I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight. And I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.
Girl: Excuse me?
BoJack: I was actually already in a bad mood but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself. But now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.
Girl: If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave?
BoJack: Because I didn't think of that and now I feel stupid!
Girl: Look, I have a right to be here—
BoJack: NO!! [the chicken girl lays an egg] Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things! But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you! And you are a horrible person! And you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person.
Girl: [beat] You think I'm pretty?

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: [live on MSNBSea] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.
Neal McBeal: Thank you, Tom.
BoJack: Hey! I met this guy!
Tom: All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box... Well, tell us what happened, Neal.
Neal: BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.
Tom: Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?! Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party?
BoJack: Oh, not the sneezing pic— Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!
Tom: In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke indeed. And you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer—for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. [blows out water]
Todd: Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?
BoJack: I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL! I just thought he was a regular kind of seal.
Neal: This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now I'm on TV! So now I'm better than everybody!
Tom: That's right, Neal!
BoJack: You didn't even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!

Tom: Hold on. Just to clarify: since this morning, you've eaten all the muffins?
BoJack: Yes, I ate all the muffins, because I have no self-control and I hate myself.

Neal: I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?
BoJack: Really? You, specifically, made America safer?
Tom: Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.
BoJack: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.
Tom: What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?
BoJack: ...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you-hating-the-troops thing is not great.
BoJack: I don't hate the troops, I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, I just think he's wrong about the muffins.

Neal: Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.
BoJack: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.
Neal: Great.
BoJack: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.

BoJack: You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.

Prickly-Muffin [1.03][edit]

Todd: The reason I have called this house meeting is because—
BoJack: Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.
Todd: All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose this house meeting—
BoJack: Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review. Proposal denied.
Todd: BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you.
BoJack: What? No, she's not. We have a special relationship. You couldn't possibly understand.
Todd: Oh, my God, look at what she's done to your house! All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now that's probably gonna be a whole thing.
Diane: I have to say, I agree with Todd. You're not this girl's father and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.
BoJack: Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.
Todd: BoJack!! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life! [a flaming lemur runs around the room]
Lemur: Lemur on fire!! Lemur on fire!! [crashes through wall; pan back to BoJack, Diane and Todd]
BoJack: Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna give it to her so... hard. [leaves; Todd turns to Diane]
Todd: Y'know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.

BoJack: The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.

Sarah Lynn: America needs to know that I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have sex, and I do sexy things. People like sex, okay? And since I'm sexy right now, they like me.
A Ryan Seacrest Type: Are you at all worried that audiences will grow bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing?
Sarah Lynn: Are you kidding? I'm Sarah-freaking-Lynn. I'm gonna be sexy forever!

Zoës and Zeldas [1.04][edit]

Z: My pumpkin's throwing up because Halloween encourages excessive consumption of refined sugar at a time when obesity rates are sky high. Plus, Halloween costumes are a gateway to casual racism.

Live Fast, Diane Nguyen [1.05][edit]

Todd: [sing-song] Todd bless these scrambled eggs, eggs from the fridge, sunny side them and guide them—
BoJack's Voice: "Todd! Stop singing your dumb scrambled egg song!"
Todd: Who said that?
BoJack's Voice: "If you're wondering who said that, it's this note that you're reading. You're hearing my voice in your head because that's how reading works."
Todd: Oh, yeah.
BoJack's Voice: "As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone for the day, and frankly I already regret that decision. Here's what you need to do: nothing. Don't touch my stuff and don't make a mess. Pick me up at the airport tomorrow and until then: DON'T. DO. ANYTHING."
[Todd stays still for a long pause; he then sneezes himself with egg all over]
Todd: Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself.

Our A-Story is a "D" Story [1.06][edit]

Mr. Peanutbutter: [claps slowly] Well, you pulled it off, ya deviant. Get it? D-viant?
BoJack: I got it.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Tell me. How are you gonna complete your giant bracelet with the chain-link fence from Dodger Stadium?!
BoJack: No! [beat] How'd you figure out it was me?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, how did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction, puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do? Oh, I listened to the voicemail you left me saying you were stealing the D because of Diane so I could, and I quote, "Suck your D"!
BoJack: Stop leaving voicemails!
Mr. Peanutbutter: Admit it! You like my girlfriend!
BoJack: Oh, come on! I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone else's girlfriend? Sure, of course, but do I like her? The answer's no. You have nothing to worry about.
Mr. Peanutbutter: I'll cut you a deal. I help you get rid of that D, and you never talk to Diane again.
BoJack: Well, I have to talk to her, 'cause she's writing my book.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Okay. But just don't pursue her romantically? [BoJack exchange hands]
BoJack: Deal.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Ha! I knew I'd get that handshake!
BoJack: I regret this already.

Say Anything [1.07][edit]

Princess Carolyn: You gotta get your shit together. So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back! Because you're talented, you're smart, and damn it, you're good! You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman. So get the hell off my lawn!
BoJack: Ohh... Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carl's Jr. How much did I have to drink last night?
Princess Carolyn: Last night? Oh, you've been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter.
BoJack: Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter?! I need a drink.
Princess Carolyn: No! No more drinking! You've been out of control. [cutaway to BoJack hanging out with an old man at night]
BoJack: Princess Carolyn, look. I met John Stamos!
Princess Carolyn: That is not John Stamos! [next scene shows both of them by morning]
BoJack: Hey, Princess Carolyn! John Stamos and I got our ears pierced.
Princess Carolyn: That is not your ear! [next scene shows BoJack all by himself, upset]
BoJack: Princess Carolyn... John Stamos died! [on his knees, cries] Why? Why, God? Why did you take John Stamos?! [back to present] That doesn't sound so bad.
Princess Carolyn: Oh, I forgot to mention—you were naked for a lot of that. [cutaway to naked BoJack pounding the grass]
BoJack: Stamoooss!!
Princess Carolyn: Also, it wasn't here. It was at my office. [cutaway to naked BoJack crying at the office]
BoJack: We thought night swimming would be fun, but the current was too strong!

The Telescope [1.08][edit]

BoJack: Hey, I wanted to talk to you you about... you know... I feel bad... about... what happened.
Herb: So... you're apologizing?
BoJack: Yes. I'm sorry.
Herb: [casually] Okay. I don't forgive you.
BoJack: [genuinely shocked] Herb, I said I'm sorry!
Herb: Yeah, and I do not forgive you.
BoJack: Uh, not sure you get what's happening here? This could be the last time that you...
Herb: [interrupts angrily] No! (climbing out of bed and walking to BoJack) I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that! [coughs] You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life! You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay!
BoJack: [backing off] I really think that we'd both feel better if we'd just...
Herb: I'm dying! I'm not gonna feel better! And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better! [coughs again]
BoJack: You have to believe me, I did everything I could.
Herb: Yeah? Then why didn't you call me, huh? Twenty years, and you didn't call me!
BoJack: L-look, I wanted to, but I didn't think that...
Herb: Do you know what it was like for me? I had no nobody. Everybody left! I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me, sure, but you?
BoJack: It's not my fault you got fired.
Herb: I don't care about the job! I did fine. I had a good life. But what I needed then was... a friend. And you abandoned me. [walking back into bed] And I will never forgive you for that! Now get the fuck out of my house!

Herb: You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish, goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants, and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts! That's you! That's BoJack Horseman!
BoJack: I don't know why I came here.
Herb: Yeah. You do.

Horse Majeure [1.09][edit]

BoJack: [sees Todd twirling car keys] Look who's not dead.
Todd: Uh, better than not dead—you were looking at Mr. Peanutbutter's driver.
BoJack: You're his driver? That's perfect! Now you can infiltrate Mr. Peanubutter's inner circle.
Todd: I don't know, BoJack.
BoJack: Sure, you'll act all friendly, gain his trust, chauffeur him around on his little errands to the groomer and whatnot, but all the while you'll be studying him, scouring out his weaknesses, biding your time till we're ready to strike. And once you zero in on his Achilles' heel, [grabs Todd menacingly] we will take him down.
Todd: Hooray... betrayal.

[BoJack turns to "Vincent Adultman" at the bar]
Vincent: Hi.
BoJack: So you're the quote-unquote "person singular" that everyone's so crazy about. What have you got figured out that I don't?
Vincent: Uumm... Adult stuff?
BoJack: Yeah, I'm not seeing it. But that doesn't matter. Not everything's about me. And maybe I am a little jealous. Not because I actually want to date Princess Carolyn anymore... but just because I don't like the idea that I can't. I guess I just assumed I always could. But I made a lot of bad decisions. Not just with her, with... [sighs] with everyone, really. [beat] You know, Princess Carolyn was right. You are a good listener.
Vincent: Thanks.
BoJack: You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it's all gone. And I'll never get it back in me. It's too late. [long beat] Life is a series of closing doors, isn't it? [Vincent tends to him with his broom hand]
Vincent: Don't be sad. [strokes him] Good horsey. [continues stroking his head]
BoJack: ..It actually feels kind of nice.

One Trick Pony [1.10][edit]

A Ryan Seacrest Type: [on Excess Hollywoo] I'm here with Hollywoo darling, Naomi Watts. Tell me, what attracted you to the role of Diane?
Naomi Watts: I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies. For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own. That's kind of the reason I got into this business.
A Ryan Seacrest Type: Ha ha! You said words! Now, is it true you stay in character between takes?
Watts: Oh, we all do. The director insists upon it. He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace. It's been great.
[cutaway to kitchen with Quentin Tarantulino and Diane]
Tarantulino: Diane! Lookin' good.
Diane: Um, thanks.
Tarantulino: Ugh, not you. I was talking to Diane. [referring to Watts]
Watts: Oh, thank you.
Tarantulino: Now, where's my peanut butter?
Mr. Peanutbutter: Right over here, Q.
Tarantulino: No, I'm looking for peanut butter.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, you mean BoJack?
Tarantulino: If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack. [Wallace Shawn comes in dressed as BoJack]
Wallace Shawn: Did someone call for BoJack? [cut back to Watts and Seacrest Type]
Watts: It really cuts down on confusion.

[BoJack runs to Diane on the rooftop, after she sent first few chapters on BuzzFeed]
BoJack: Uh, what the hell?!
Diane: I know, I know. But if you just listen for—
BoJack: You posted your dumb little book on the Internet?
Diane: No, I just leaked the first few chapters and people are already talking about it!
BoJack: This is wildly unprofessional. Who do you think you are?
Diane: I know you're mad and you have every right to be, but you gotta read some of these comments. [BoJack wheezes in anger] People love you! And they're gonna love you even more when they read the rest of my book!
BoJack: Your book?!
Diane: Our book.
BoJack: Nobody is gonna read that book. How do you still not get that? [stands up] It is never going to be published.
Diane: BoJack, [stands up] I stand by my work. This is a really good book. And if you just give it time, you'll see! [BoJack wheezes and takes a deep sigh]
BoJack: Maybe you're right.
Diane: Really?
BoJack: No. You're fired.

Downer Ending [1.11][edit]

BoJack: [reads "Dr. Allen Hu" calling card] Oh, it's Hu, Dr. Hu!
Dr. Hu: That's right. Dr. Hu, Dr. Allen Hu.
BoJack: No, no, but I thought it was Who, like Doctor Who.
Dr. Hu: Yes, that's exactly what it's like.
BoJack: No, not H-U, but Who, like, "Hello? Who is it?"
Dr. Hu: Umm, I don't know. Who is it? [to Sarah Lynn] I'm s— I'm sorry, is this a joke? Is he telling a joke? 'Cause I just don't...
Sarah Lynn: Hard to tell. Sometimes I just laugh after he talks, so he'll leave me alone.
BoJack: Seriously? Am I the only one who knows the extremely popular BBC science-fiction show about the time travelling Doctor who saves civilisations?
Todd: Ah! Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Doctor Who!
Dr. Hu: Yes?
BoJack: No. Yes! Thank you, Doctor Who!
Dr. Hu: Yes?
Todd: I saw the one where she goes to the Wild West. The Cheyenne called her Medicine Woman.
BoJack: What? No, that's Dr. Quinn!
Todd: Who's Dr. Quinn?
Dr. Hu: I most certainly am not.
Sarah Lynn: Hu's not Dr. Quinn, Hu's Dr. Hu!
Todd: I don't know!
Hu/Sarah/Todd: Third base!

Sarah Lynn: Hey, this isn't fair! I don't have a gun!
BoJack: Sarah Lynn is right. You know, if we all had guns, then no one would need a gun, and we would all be safe. Oh my God, I think we just solved the gun crisis in America!

Later [1.12][edit]

Dick Cavett: When we booked you for this show, you just won the Triple Crown. But then, just this week, I open up the newspaper and look at this. "Secretariat Under Investigation". What am I supposed to do with that?
Secretariat: Maybe it's a different Secretariat. [chuckles; audience laughs] No, but seriously, folks. There is no truth to these allegations. I have never bet on horse racing, and I certainly did not bet on my own races. Although I did bet the network's gonna give your show back to Joey Bishop.
Dick Cavett: [chuckles] Okay. We get letters here on the show, and one particular letter, for you, actually, struck a chord with our producers. This is from BoJack H. BoJack is nine years old. BoJack writes, "Dear Secretariat, I am a horse just like you. I like to watch racing, and you are my favorite racer."
Secretariat: Smart kid.
Dick Cavett: "When I grow up, I want to be just like you, and I think I'm on the right track. Get it? Track, because horses run on tracks, and you are a horse, and I am a horse. Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the track?" Okay, there's a whole page of this.
Secretariat: Should I write him back and tell him I get it?
Dick Cavett: He goes on, "My question for you is, I am a good kid and I like to play and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not be sad? Sincerely, BoJack."
Secretariat: That's a great letter. BoJack, when I was your age, I got sad. A lot. Uh... I didn't come from such a great home, but one day, I started running and that seemed to make sense, so then I just kept running. BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead a-and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you don't let them. Don't you stop running and don't you ever look behind you. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead.
[one month later]
Announcer 1: [via radio] "Good morning, Louisville! It's August 22nd, 1973."
[see Secretariat at the edge of the John F. Kennedy Memorial Bridge]
Announcer 2: "A sad day for the sport of horse racing. Secretariat banned for life from competition."
Announcer 1: "It's a disgrace is what it is! This is the '70s! You can't cheat in sports and get away with it."
Announcer 2: "You know, I think it just goes to show you—you can be the fastest runner in the world, but you can't outrun the truth."
[Secretariat walks off the edge and falls into the Ohio River]
Announcer 3: "And traffic is jammed today coming into Louisville. Looks like some idiot parked his car on the bridge."

Season 2[edit]

Brand New Couch [2.01][edit]

[in his trailer, a lonesome BoJack picks up Beatrice's call on his phone listening to his inspirational audiobook]
BoJack: What do you want, Mom?
Beatrice: Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.
BoJack: Do you need more blood?
Beatrice: I don't need blood. I read your book, BoJack.
BoJack: [pause] Oh.
Beatrice: It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him. You know how I feel about Anne Frank.
BoJack: That was a diary.
Beatrice: I read the parts about me. The things I said to you. You must think I'm a real monster.
BoJack: Mom—
Beatrice: I don't want to fight you, BoJack. I just wanted to tell you that I know. I know you want to be happy, but you won't be, and... I'm sorry.
BoJack: What?
Beatrice: It's not just you, you know. Your father and I, we... well... you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside of you. You were born broken, that's your birthright. And now you can fill your life with projects... your books and your movies and your little girlfriends, but it won't make you whole. You're BoJack Horseman. There's no cure for that.

Yesterdayland [2.02][edit]

Still Broken [2.03][edit]

After the Party [2.04][edit]

Chickens [2.05][edit]

Higher Love [2.06][edit]

Hank After Dark [2.07][edit]

Let's Find Out [2.08][edit]

BoJack: [meets Daniel Radcliffe] Hey, Daniel, good to see you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Always nice to meet a fan!
BoJack: No, I... sorry, I'm not a... I'm an actor.
Daniel: Oh, good for you! It's a dreadful business, but hang in there.
BoJack: No, I already did hang in there. I'm BoJack Horseman? We've actually met before. At Chris Martin's holiday party?
Daniel: [dubious] Hm?
BoJack: We stepped outside for a smoke? To get away from Chris Martin?
Daniel: Huh...
BoJack: You opened up about your fear of success? I gave you some advice? You said I was a true friend and you would never forget me?
Daniel: And you said your name was Chadwick Boseman?
BoJack: BoJack Horseman.
Daniel: Oh, I'm sorry. When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people. [a shrivelled bird woman enters]
Bird Assistant: Sorry, we need you guys back on set.
Daniel: Hey! You were the second hairdresser's assistant on The Ellen Show about five years ago. Veronica, right?
Veronica: Yeah, that's right. [Daniel walks off with her]
Daniel: How was your mother's party in the end? [BoJack groans]

Mr. Peanutbutter: [to BoJack in the rain live on-show] All I ever wanted was to be your friend... and you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?
BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter—
Mr. Peanutbutter: No, tell me.
BoJack: ..Because... I'm jealous.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Ugh, of what? Diane?
BoJack: No. O-of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?
BoJack: I... want to feel good about myself... the way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.
Daniel: [holds an umbrella] Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?
BoJack: I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter. I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Mr. Peanutbutter: Wow, um... I don't know if I can forgive you. But I guess we'll find out right after this break!

The Shot [2.09][edit]

Kelsey: BoJack, sit down. You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault. But this moment is bigger than that. This is the moment that Secretariat stops running. Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed. [beat] We got it.
BoJack: Really? I didn't cry.
Kelsey: You didn't have to.

BoJack: Hey, where's Kelsey?
Turtletaub: Oh, yeah, funny story. Turns out you two knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to get for the scene that's not in the movie anymore. Uh, silly me, I didn't like that. So I fired her ass.

Yes And [2.10][edit]

Escape from L.A. [2.11][edit]

BoJack: [after being caught in compromising positions with Penny] Charlotte, I'm so sorry! I--
Charlotte: Don't. Don't you dare. If you're not out of my driveway in thirty minutes, I will call the police. And if you ever try to contact me or my family again, I will fucking kill you.

BoJack: Oh, hey. You're still here.
Diane: Yep. Still here.

Out to Sea [2.12][edit]

BoJack: Thank you for that lovely song. But, I'm not a good person. In fact, this is the only good thing I've ever done. And I did it by accident. And it just goes to show you - life is just....ah, what am I saying? I don't have to tell you how hard life is. You're the ones with the dead parents.
BoJack: No, no! not necessarily? Maybe they just didn't want you.

(orphan starts to cry)

BoJack: My point is, I don't understand how people live. It's amazing to me that people wake up every morning and say "Yeah! Another day! Let's do it!!" How do people do it? I don't know how.

BoJack: It was hashbrowns! Not pancakes. The first morning you stayed with me, you kept making them, and I kept eating them. And then I threw up in the pool and that made you throw up in the pool. And then I got mad at you for throwing up in my pool, but... you said "I'll clean it up."
Todd: And did I clean it up?
BoJack: No. You didn't. I had to call the pool cleaner.
Todd: [chuckles]
BoJack: And you said "Thank you for letting me stay here, I don't have anywhere else to go." And I remember when you said that. I don't have anywhere else to go because I felt good about myself. And I... and I don't feel that way a lot. Letting you stay with me was the best thing I ever did on purpose. And I don't think I ever told you that, but I should have. Because you're my best friend, Todd.

Diane: Idea for a new app: an undo button that can undo long amounts of time. Three months. A year. A life. One click and everything could just go back to the way it was.

Jogging baboon: It gets easier.
BoJack: Huh?
Jogging baboon: Everyday, it gets a little easier.
BoJack: Yeah?
Jogging baboon: But you gotta do it everyday. That's the hard part. But it does get easier. [jogs away]
BoJack: Okay...

Season 3[edit]

Start Spreading the News [3.01][edit]

The BoJack Horseman Show [3.02][edit]

BoJack Kills [3.03][edit]

Mr. Cuddlywhiskers: Sometimes, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, even longer to see it doesn't have to be that way. Only after you give up everything can you begin to find a way to be happy.

Fish Out of Water [3.04][edit]

BoJack: [after realizing that he could have let his voice be heard underwater by pressing a button on his helmet] Oh, you have got to be kiddi--!

(cut to credits)

Love And/Or Marriage [3.05][edit]

Diane: [after falling down and breaking her wrist] Ow! Drugs, I thought we were friends!

Brrap Brrap Pew Pew [3.06][edit]

[Excerpt of Get Dat Fetus Kill Dat Fetus seen in episode]
I'm a baby killer
Baby killing makes me horny
Alien's inside me
I'm gonna squash it like Sigourney

Girl in waiting room: Sextina's music makes me feel strong, like I can do anything.
Diane: It doesn't offend you? What about the part where she says, "I hope and pray to God my little fetus has a soul / 'cause I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole"?
Girl: It's a joke. You get that it's a joke, right?
Diane: Well, obviously.
Girl: Do you think she actually wants to shoot her fetus with a gun?

Stop the Presses [3.07][edit]

Old Acquaintance [3.08][edit]

Best Thing That Ever Happened [3.09][edit]

BoJack: I do love you by the way, I mean as much as I'm capable of loving anyone, which is never enough.

It's You [3.10][edit]

BoJack: Todd, I'm sorry, alright? I screwed up, I-I know I screwed up, I...
Todd: Oh, great, of course! Here it comes! You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!
BoJack: [desperately] I know, and I'm sorry, okay? I was drunk and there was all this pressure with the Oscar campaign, but now that it's over, I- I- I--
Todd: No, no! BoJack, just... stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you! It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid, it's you! Alright? It's you. ... [dejectedly]] Fuck, man. What else is there to say?

That's Too Much, Man! [3.11][edit]

Sarah Lynn: I'm with you, man. Everything sucks! Especially sobriety. Why would I make my body a temple? I've been to temple. Temple is super-boring.

Sarah Lynn: Let's get higher than a stilt-walker's dick!

Ana Spanikopita: After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water. So I became a lifeguard. On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble. You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them. But you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you can't save. Because those people will thrash and struggle, and try to take you down with them.
BoJack: What does that have to do with me?

Sarah Lynn: [slumping over onto BoJack's shoulder] I wanna be an architect...
Planetarium Narrator (Neil deGrasse Tyson): Be it horse, cat, human or even lizard, our lives are but the briefest flashes in a universe that is billions of years old.
BoJack: See, Sarah Lynn? We're not doomed. In the great grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten. So it doesn't matter what we did in the past or how we'll be remembered, the only thing that matters is right now, this moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together. Right, Sarah Lynn? [she doesn't respond] Sarah Lynn? [cut to black, stopping all music and sound] Sarah Lynn?

That Went Well [3.12][edit]

BoJack: The funeral [for Sarah Lynn] was huge. There was so many people there. I kept thinking "I did this to her." And everyone was just standing around like "Well, this was bound to happen." But... it wasn't bound to happen.
Diane: I'm really sorry BoJack.
BoJack: I don't know how to be, Diane. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying that I'm going to change. I'm poison.
Diane: BoJack...
BoJack: I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.


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