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Brickleberry is an American adult animated television sitcom that aired on Comedy Central from 2012 to 2015.

Season 1 (2012)[edit]

Welcome to Brickleberry[edit]

[Edvard Grieg in "Morning Mood"]
Steve: (first lines) Take it all in, kids. This is nature in all it's majesty. Welcome to Brickleberry.

Woody: Malloy, you should be out there great now those tourist. because you cutest thing on the planet.
Steve: Malloy, you know what I'm talking anyone. He's a dick.
Malloy: Even your whispers sound fat.
Woody: How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.
Steve: Yeah, like what?
Woody: Like for starters he made the delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.
[After morning, Malloy used Aid pills in a pot]
Woody: And don't forget he planned that surprise party for Denzel.
Klan person: Surprise!
Woody: Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna down Brickleberry. So I decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.
Connie: A new Ranger?
Denzel: Old lady, old lady, old lady.
Woody: Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.
Steve: Ranger of the Month?
[Ethel appears, Connie's vagina growling noises]
Connie: Sorry, that's my vagina growling.

Woody: I'm so glad everything turned out okay.
Malloy: No, everything turned out fine. Except for the part where I was raped.
Woody: Well, Ethel, looks like you get your job back.
Malloy: Who gives a shit?! I got raped.
Woody: Uh-huh. Steve, I guess you deserve to keep this for a while.
Steve: You know what? I think it's time for a change. Wow, looks even better on this side. It's like a whole different shirt now.
Ethel: You're an asshole, you know that?
Steve: [laughing wickedly] She thinks I'm an asshole now. She doesn't even know that I spiked her coffee. Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...Wait a minute. Am I thinking this or saying this?
Ethel: [furiously] You spiked my coffee!?
Steve: Oops.

Two Weeks Notice[edit]

Myrtle: Mother? I need to speak to you about Denzel. You can't tell me who to date.
Edith: Myrtle! I thought you had a dialysis appointment.
Myrtle: How could you, mother? You're going down, bitch!
Edith: I just did, on the colored kid. And it was heavenly.
[Myrtle and Edith are begin to fight]

Saved by the Balls[edit]

Steve: Grow! Grow, damn you, grow! Or do you want this to happen to you? They don't even respond to threats.
Denzel: We dead. I knew it.
Steve: Wait a minute. I remember something.
Ethel: His testicles are producing large amounts of testosterone. He'll be full grown practically overnight. Overnight. Overnight.
Steve: That's it!
[At night, Steve uses Malloy's balls to squirting some testosterone liquid into on a whole garden]
Denzel: Steve, have you lost your goddamn mind? This is your plan? bear ball juice?
Steve: It's testosterone. Didn't you see my thought bubble?
Denzel: Man, I'm getting outta here. White people do some fucked up shit.


Woody: [shouting] Get out of my sight!! You're dead to me, bear cub! GET OUT!!!

Pamela Anderson: Hello! Sorry, I'm late guys.
Steve: Pamela Anderson?
Denzel: Jackpot!
Woody: What's that skinny old man with that tit-job doing here?

Malloy: Winnie the Pooh never had to deal with this bullshit.

Pamela Anderson: So, cute! Need to hug. [she tried to hug Malloy and then she fall downs onto the ground and she get eaten by the Squabbits, and her poisonous body killed off the entire Squabbit species]

Race Off![edit]

Denzel: Hey, no matter what color I am on the outside, on the inside, I'll always be a dignified black man.
Steve: That makes two of us!

Gay Bomb[edit]

Steve: Hi, brown sugar. You gettin' pretty for me?
Denzel: Maybe.
Steve: These are for you.
Denzel: Oh..My..(shrieks) GOD!
Steve: Wow. You really like roses, huh?
Denzel: Oh, Woody, Woody, I love it, I love it, I love it!

Hello Dottie[edit]

Woody: What the hell do you want, Steve?
Steve: Woody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.
Woody: Demands?
Steve: Well, maybe suggestions.
Woody: Suggestions?
Steve: Well, more of a wish list, actually.
Woody: Alright, Steve. (cracking his knuckles) You want to negotiate or we'll negotiate.
Steve: (Gulps)

Steve's Bald[edit]

Steve: "Fear not humanoids. Bigfoot is your friend, unlike that Jew-hating Loch Ness Monster."

Daddy Issues[edit]

Woody: Dammit you bastards! This is the bottom of the 9th! It's our last chance! [to Malloy] Come on, rally bear! Show some spirit! Why can't you dance like those black bears? [points to the Yellowstone black bears chanting "Go Yellowstone!"]

The Dam Show[edit]

Woody: I've got exciting news.
Denzel: Let me guess! Judge Judy here, she buck-ass naked and a horny as hell!
Woody: No, today's my birthday!

Season 2 (2013)[edit]

Miracle Lake[edit]

Ethel: So, what's this big, important news?
Connie: Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...(gunshots) uh!
Malloy: Yes!
[Ethel gasped]
[bubbling; healing]
Ethel: Oh, my God. She's completely healed.
Connie: And my rash is gone.
Malloy: I wonder if it cures bitch.
Ethel: I think my hymen just grew back.
Malloy: Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.
Woody: Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.
Steve: You could have just told us.
Woody: Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.
Steve: How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...(gunshots) uh!
Malloy: I could get used to this.
Ethel: There must be a scientific explanation.
Woody: Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.
Ethel: And another reason not to believe in God.
Woody: The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.
Malloy: Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.
Woody: Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.
Malloy: Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.
Steve: Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.
Denzel: Wait. You've never seen snow?
Malloy: Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.
Steve: Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...(gunshots) uh!
Connie: What's wrong, Denzel?
Denzel: Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...(gunshots) Shit!
Ethel: Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.
Malloy: God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.
Woody: Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!
Ethel: So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?
Woody: Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.

The Comeback[edit]

Porn Actress: Oh, no. It's my husband and his brother! They just finished playing 18 holes.
Woody Johnson: (as Rex Erection) I got 2 more holes you guys can play.

Chastity: I think I might want to go to nursing school.
Malloy: I'm pretty sure they drug test.
Chastity: Oh, well.

Woody's Girl[edit]

Woody: [about Astral] Hey, buddy, I would like to position myself in her lotus. You know what I mean?

Malloy: Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.

Trailer Park[edit]

Malloy: Great! So what's your Wi-Fi password? [pulls out his iPhone]
Bobby: The fuck's a Wi-Fi?
BoDean: "ObamaFan21", capital "O", capital "F". Upper-case sensitive. [while BoDean gives Malloy the answer, Bobby slowly turns his head in shock to point BoDean]
Bobby: I don't even know who you are anymore.

Bobby: I'm gonna ask you all as nice as I possibly can: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TRAILER PARK!!!! Please!
Random Redneck: Well he did say please. Let's go. [all the rednecks start to leave]
Steve: Drive carefully!
Same Redneck: What the hell's that supposed to mean? [riot starts]


Denzel: Oh hey, Jerry! What's up?
Connie: You two know each other?
Denzel: Yeah, we went to middle school together. Hey, Jerry, remember when you sneezed and got Wanda pregnant?
Jerry: I'm still paying for that cold.

Steve: (via computer voice) People of Earth. You are in no danger. Please remain in your homes. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Malloy: (swipes the stick away from Steve) Give me that! You can still talk, you moron.
Steve: Hey, give that back. It makes me sound smart like that crippled scientist, Tony Hawk.
Woody: (referring to Steve's handicap) Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!
Ethel: Woody!
Woody: Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.
Ethel: But he's dead.
Woody: Exactly.

Carnival Freak Midget: If it's a black guy, we're frying him.

Ranger Games[edit]

Magnus: That's far enough. Death to some small part of America. I thought I wired the scissors. Magnifying glass? No. Nail file? No. Fish scaler? No. Bubble wand? No. Pregnancy test? No. Lipstick? No. Chapstick? No. Stain stick? No. Glue stick? No. Glow stick? No. Blow torch? No. Smaller Swiss army knife? No. Baby dildo?
[Steve and Magnus was ready to fight the battle]

My Way or the Highway[edit]

Malloy: [about Connie] All that running and crying, you think she'd be thinner.

Bobby: [referring to Jorge] Who the hell invited this guy? We are definitely anti... anti... uh... [to Jorge] What the hell are you anyway?

Little Boy Malloy[edit]

Ethel: Ha, ha, ha. Little cranky pants didn't have his nap.
Malloy: I am gonna fucking claw your eyes out!
Ethel: Tantrums are normal for gifted kids.
Malloy: I'm not a kid. I'm a wild animal!
Ethel: And he has such a colorful imagination. Well, and ADHD. (Malloy bites her arm) OW! go play honey!
[Ethel throws Malloy breaks out the window from the her cabin]

The Animals Strike Back[edit]

Woody: "Jar Jar Binks, what are you doing in my room?"
Woody as Jar Jar: "Meesa like! Meesa like you!"
Woody: [pours lotion onto his Jar Jar puppet-wearing right hand] "Jar Jar, what are you doing? Jar Jar, this is crazy!" [starts jerking his dick off] "Stop, stop, don't stop, aaaahhh...ah, that feels good"

Steve: (as Connie in a TV) Look at me. I'm Connie. I'm Driving. Oops! I hit something. Dum dee dum dum dum dum....BANG! Shot Malloy's parents, I'm so stupid.
Connie: Oh no! It was me. I killed Malloy's parents. I need to confess to him right now!
Steve: But those animals might kill you.
Connie: It's what I deserve! Unless there's some other piece of information that could clear my name or save my life.
Steve: Hmmm, not that I'm aware of...
[Connie screams; running, offscreen; door closed]

Woody: [sees a husband and wife leaving in their car] Where're you going? You just got here!
Male Tourist: Hey! No one wants to go to a park without animals.
Male Tourist's Wife: Yeah, it's like going to a Lakers game and not getting gang-banged by the team while my husband pulls the car around.
Male Tourist: Yeah! [pause] What she say? [Woody throws a rock at their car window]

Scared Straight[edit]

Steve: Okay, Jorge, there's the line for the costume contest.
Jorge: When does the furry sex commence? My sack grows tight with anticipation!
Steve: In a minute. Come on. Left, right, left. Shorten your gait. Come on.
Jorge: What the...What the fuck?
Steve: Denzel could do it. What's so hard about this?
Jorge: Because my eyes sting from the fumes coming from your anus. You smell like the Middle East!

Trip to Mars[edit]

Dr. Kurt Thoreau: [to Ethel] Do men with exceptional beards make your fish flaps foamy?

Malloy: There is some really obscure racism in this town.

My Favorite Bear[edit]

Flamey the Bear: Only you can prevent fires in forests.

Flamey the Bear: Oh, I am the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw, I'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's my favorite thing to do, Although I may black out, This thirst I cannot quench, One time I came too naked, Balls-deep in Judi Dench.

Bar Patrons: He'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's his favorite thing to do, Cause he's the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw...!

Flamey the Bear: Nonsense! the night has just began, and the pills are just kicking in!
Steve: What?
[Flamey screams]

Jorge: Hey, you fat furry fook! And you, too, bear!
Super Rape: You stuck me with the bar tab.
Jorge: You burnt down my club!
Dr. Kuzniak: Your crappy insurance barely paid your deductible.
Man: And you mauled my kids!
Steve: In fairness, that wasn't Flamey. It was a real bear he sent to your house.
Man: Ah, okay. [leaves happy]


Connie: This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.
Steve: Aww!
Ethel: What a pretty name!
Connie: Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.
Malloy: "Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".
Woody: Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.
Connie: What's wrong with my boobs?
Malloy: Besides the fact that you also have a back set.
Denzel: [screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!
Ethel: This is going too far, Denzel!
Denzel: That baby's evil! I'll prove it!
Ethel: How?
Denzel: Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.
Steve: Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.
Connie: NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming; running]
Woody: It's just a baby, Denzel.
Ethel: This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.
Malloy: Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.
Denzel: All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.
Ethel: Leave the gun.
Denzel: Fine.

Denzel: Connie, I'm sorry...[Connie is sleeping; snoring, Denzel walks quietly to Donnie's bassinet] Uh, Donnie, I'm not good at this apology stuff, but...I'm sorry I'm said you were the antichrist maybe when you grow up a little, you and I can...
Donnie: [satanic voice] Apology accepted.
Denzel: Oh, thanks, Donnie. You're pretty cool...WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?!
Donnie: Denzel, I'm going to rip out your dick! and feed it to the demons of hell! (growling; vomiting)
[Denzel screaming in frightened]

Malloy: [to Connie] Your body has a lotta bumps. We can't keep track of what they all are.

Donnie: [snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?
Steve: Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.
Donnie: The preacher said you're a pussy.
Steve: What? [he punches Vernon]
Vernon: What's wrong with you?
Steve: Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.
[Donnie laughs evilly]
Denzel: Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!
Father Quinn: I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?
Denzel: Rabbi Maltzman!
Rabbi Maltzman: No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.
Denzel: And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!
Dr. Kuzniak: Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.
Denzel: And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.
Jorge: I'm not with them! I'm on your side!
Steve: Jorge, shut up.
Jorge: Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!
Donnie: I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.
Father Quinn: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
Donnie: Shut up!
[Father Quinn dies in explosion caused Donnie's satanic powers]
Donnie: So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?
Jorge: Blowjobbed to death?
Donnie: You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]
Connie: I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?
Denzel: We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!
Jorge: And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!
Vernon: Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!
Connie: What? NO!
Ethel: Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.
Denzel: You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.
Connie: (to everybody) Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! (she run away)
Jorge: Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs!

Season 3 (2014-2015)[edit]


[After Woody is vomiting at people during President Obama's party, which is cause he's allergic to crab cakes]
Woody: Oh god, how did this happen?
Steve: Hmm...It wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate was it?
Woody: You did this, you son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!
Steve: You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me. I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did, was treat me like shit! And you gave me cancer!
Woody: I'm gonna kill you!
Steve: Not if I kill you first!
[both fighting]

In Da Club[edit]

Leslie: Thanks for the tour, Steve-a. You have a such an exciting life.
Steve: It's even more exciting with cool (to Denzel) best friends (to Leslie, Lydia and Collette) like you. Can you believe someone thought (to Denzel) I couldn't make (to Leslie, Lydia and Collette) new friends?

Miss National[edit]

Announcer: Connie is 12 hands high with good gums, and apparently, has broken our scale.
Malloy: Connie, where's your bikini bottom?
Connie: It's right here, my camel toe's eating it. See? (her bikini bottom rips)

That Brother's My Father[edit]

Woody: Hey, What are you doing!? I'm watching the hockey game.
Denzel: Shut your ass up!
African-American Boy in a TV: Man, white people. you know what I'm saying?
(Denzel laughs hilariously)
Woody: What's so goddamn funny?
Denzel: Quiet, boy.
African-American Boy in a TV: Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! (he dances)
Denzel: (laughs hilariously) I did not see that coming.
Woody: I can't take this crap! I'm sick of your bullshit!
Anita: Stop it! Like it or not, we are a family now. You two need to spend the day together like father and son.
Woody: But, Mommy...
Denzel: Oh, Anita, I don't want to.
Anita: No arguments!
Both: Yes, ma'am.
Anita: Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?
Malloy: Daddy and Grandpa Denzel were fighting. I'm scared, gam-gam.
Anita: Oh, you poor little bear. Here. I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.
Malloy: White people. You know what I'm saying.

Write 'Em Cowboy[edit]

Denzel: All right, Steve. I pulled a lot of strings to help get you this gig. Hey, baby. It;s my girlfriend's grandson's party, So don't screw it up.
Steve: Don't worry. the kids will love it. I'm doing a song I wrote about guys who work on a mountain.
Denzel: All right, Now go get' em.
Steve: (clear throats) ♪ Mountain men, I love mountain men. Mountin' Harry, Mountin' Tom, and Mountin' Ben. Sharing the tent with my favorite dudes. I want to be mountin' men like you. They're sweaty, hairy, and hard as a rock... ♪
Denzel: Steve, what the hell? You better play something else quick! Something for the kids!
Steve: Ooh, I've got a cute rooster song.
Denzel: Do it! Do it!
Steve: ♪ I'm in the barn, I'm playing with my cock. All the boys line up to pet my cock. He's thick, he's red, he's got a big old head. Why don't I just show you instead? Raise your hand if you want to see my cock. ♪

Steve: ♪ You say love, is easy. But love is painful. But love can make you cry. But love can leave you bloody. it's not easy, but love fills you up inside. ♪
[crowd cheers and whistles]

Old Wounds[edit]

Secretary: Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?
Connie: I peed.
Secretary: You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.
Steve: What's your name?
Secretary: Fuck you. That's my name.
Steve: Is that Korean?
Secretary: Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.
Denzel: It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye (he leaves)
Secretary: That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.
Woody: Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?
Secretary: Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.
Woody: No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.
Secretary: All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. (she leaves; door open)
Steve: Bye, Fuck you.
(door close)

Woody: [shows the Secretary on projector a stick-figure drawing of her, imitating her voice] I'm a hateful bitch with a dried up snatch! What's that in the sky? OH NO, IT'S WOODY'S ASSHOLE!!! [Woody draws squiggles all over the picture with a brown marker] It's covering me in shit but I love it, cause I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut! [draws an additional caricature of her face eating Woody's poop] It's in my mouth! YUM-YUM-YUMMMMY!!! [turns off projector] And there's my plan, what do you think?
Secretary: [not pleased] HOW DARE YOU JOHNSON! I'm gonna....
Woody: [interrupts, also angry] Gonna what? You can't fire me, I'm in the GODDAMN RANGER UNION!!
Secretary: There's no such thing as a Ranger Union!
Woody: Huh? [glares at Malloy]
Malloy: Ooooh, sorry, I forgot I made that up.

Malloy: Great job, Woody. This place is almost as bad as a comfort inn.
Buella: Goddamn you, Jim! I told you to pay the light bill.
Firecracker Jim: I hope they do shut it off so I won't be able to see you damn ugly face!
[Buella and Fireworker Jim are fighting]

Baby Daddy[edit]

Ethel: Steve, we need to talk. Whoa.
Jorge: Oh yeah, That's hot.
Ethel: This for a magazine or something?
Jorge: No, no, just for me. Now, bend over and show me your pooterus.
Ethel: Steve, I owe you an apology. I've been horrible to you lately, but seeing you like this...oh, and like that...and not so much that one. But it makes me realize that I do want to have this baby with you.
Steve: That's great, Ethel.
Ethel: So what do you say you and I go on some perfectly safe family fun activities?

Steve the Fearless Pilot[edit]

Denzel: So last night, when my girl said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable, I didn't know she meant a coma. [laughs] Hey, what's wrong with you, that's funny. I mean, it's sad, too, 'cause she died.
Connie: I'm sick of being called ugly, Denzel. There's only so much a girl can take. One day I'm gonna snap, and when I do...
Denzel: Calm down. At least I appreciate you.
Connie: Really?
Denzel: Sure. Ugly people like you exist to make people appreciate handsome people like me.
[Connie furiously steps and accidentally make empty toxic barrels collapse into a river, Connie and Denzel are on a river and they falls into a waterfall, Connie breathing Denzel to save his life]
Denzel: (coughing) What are you doing?
Connie: I was saving your life.
Denzel: Next time let me die! where the hell are we?
Connie: Looks like the deserted island.
Denzel: Damn, It's just like my dream. Only you ain't Cloris Leachman with a hot wings for a clitoris.
Connie: I'm scared, Denzel. What if no one ever finds us here? I'll die of virgin! Unless...
Denzel: Yeah, I'm gonna be real sad at your virgin funeral.

High Stakes[edit]

Woody: [sees an Eskimo humping a coconut right outside Ford's office] Jesus, who wrote this shit? [Camera pans to Bobby and BoDean revealed as being the show's "Riters"]
Bobby: [excited with his brainstorm] And then, he fucked the coconut!
BoDean: [satisfied] Hello Emmy! [keeps typing into his unplugged computer]

Steve: [walks through one jump rope leap], Whew! Okay, I did the rope. I did half a sit up. Why can't I lose weight?!! [shakes his pot belly] All I've been eating are these rice cakes. [picks one up]
Denzel: [agitated] Those are Rice Krispie Treats dumbass!

Amber Alert[edit]

Amber: I'm here about the job?
Ethel: Yeah, actually, we've already decided...
Woody: That you're hired.
Amber: Oh, goodie!
Ethel: WHAT!?
Connie: Yes!

Ethel: Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl?! Do you know what she did her first morning on the job?
Lady: You shot my husband!
Amber: Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.
Lady: He's not a bear! He's just Armenian.
Armenian Man: It's okay, She's hot.
Amber: (gasps) Bear! [she shoot an Armenian man with a gun]
Woody: So the world has one less clogged shower drain. Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.
Amber: Good morning, everybody.

Ethel: Be careful! I rescued that poor little guy after his parents were killed by predators.
Amber: Oh no, the Predator! Someone call Arnold Schwarzenigger!

Ethel: "Welcome Amber"?! We're supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.
Woody: Change the plans, fugly. Now scram, you're blocking my view of Amber.
Ethel: (furious) This is my night! This is not about some racist pill-popper with nice tits!
Amber: Aw, thanks, Ethel. And thanks for coming to my welcome party. You look so cute.
Woody: Amber, you are so sweet for lying to Ethel like that. Give me a hug. Now one from behind.
Ethel: Enough of this bullshit, Woody! We both know that she's not fit to do any job at Brickleberry.
Woody: Sure she is. (to Amber) What job would you like, Amber?
Amber: I like the baby "aminals".
Woody: Good idea. From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "aminal" sanctuary, and you're in charge.
Ethel: Woody, you can't do that!
Woody: Already done. Now cut out, Nanny McPhee. You're bringing down the party.
Ethel: Can I get something strong?
Bartender: Beat it, sea world.

Ethel: How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals?
Woody: How about I put you in charge of getting you walleyed nipples away from me?
Ethel: What? I'm hot! I'm a ten!
Malloy: I guess that makes Connie a 13.
Woody: Look, Scare-A-Reid. As long as Amber's around, She's in charge of the "aminals"!
Amber: Aw, look how happy he is since I took over. I got to buy some more pills the red kitty dogs love them. Fly away, god's creature. Yay! Now there's 2 kitty dogs!
[Ethel angrily groans]

See 'n Say Farmer Says: The coyote says...
Amber: A-roo!
Ethel: That's right! You're on your way to being a great ranger.
Amber: Yay!
Ethel: I think we're ready for the "plant or animal" coloring book. Be right back. Oh, in the meantime, study these forest flash cards.

Cops and Bottoms[edit]

Steve: Dad, you busted more criminals in this park than any ranger, I'll find a way to make you proud. [his pants falls down] Starting now. [his underwear rip it off] Starting now. [farts] Ah, fuck it.

Malloy: I haven't seen this many screaming Mexicans since bus passes went up.
Woody: This is your fault, Malloy.
Malloy: Why don't you just show it to them?
Woody: NO! there's no way I'm showing my disgusting hemorrhoid to anybody! I bought this cream to shrink the bastard.

Steve: I should've known I couldn't be a cop. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud, Dad.
Jonah: (offscreen) You make me proud every day, son.
Steve: (screams) Dad?
Jonah: You're a Brickleberry ranger just like I was. What more could a father ask?
Steve: Didn't you ever get bored here?
Jonah: If I did, I'd just go behind the bush and masturbate.
Steve: Okay.
Jonah: Son, be proud of yourself and what you are, a Brickleberry Park ranger. Now, get out there and take your park back, and If you need me, I'll be jacking off behind that bush.
Steve: Yes, sir.

Steve: I was wrong for not appreciating my job. Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.
Denzel: Now you got me wanting to quit.
Steve: Oh, sorry. Fog brain. You know I have lyme disease. Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park.
Ethel: Sorry, I was zoning out. I have lyme disease.
Denzel: We know! We all got lyme disease.

Campin' Ain't Easy[edit]

Woody: ♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.
Both: Yes!
Ethel: Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.
Malloy: So is your uterus.
Woody: Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.
Denzel: So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?
Woody: Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.
Malloy: Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.
Ethel: I'm winning this!
Connie: No, it's mine!
Denzel: Hands off my painted trash can lid!
Woody: Settle down, morons! Put these on.
Steve: Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.
Woody: There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.
Ethel: What happened?
Steve: I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.
Connie: Steve?
Steve: Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.
[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]
Steve's Camper: We're gonna lose!
Steve: I know a shortcut.
Steve's Camper: Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."
Steve: Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!
[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]
Steve: This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.

Steve: Alright, kids. Who's ready for some waterless, indoor, use-your-imagination swimming? Oh my god, where are they?! What do you think you're doing?!
Connie: We're just playing flashlight tag.
Steve: In a dark? Somebody's gonna get hurt. (he throws a flashlight to hit a handicap camper on a face) See? Everybody back inside!
Connie: No! we're not going back inside. And I don't want you to be my co-counselor anymore!
Steve: You want to split-up the tribe? Fine. Let's let the kids decide who they want to be with. Me, the world's best counselor, or...
Fat Camper: Connie, we picked Connie.
Steve: What?! I guess you four are my only campers. At least you guys like me.
Wheelchair Handicap Camper: We don't like you. You have our insulin.
Steve: And don't you fucking forget it.

Global Warning[edit]

Ethel: Who the hell set the thermostat to 38 degrees?
Steve: [shivering] Woody did.
Ethel: Woody, that is such a waste of energy! Don't you care about our planet at all?
Woody: [babbles mockingly] Oh, shut up, Ethel. Our planet is fine. It was here 2,015 years before me, and it'll be here 2,015 years after me.
Ethel: Wow. Don't you know anything about the history of the Earth?
Woody: I know plenty. Here's a free history lesson. Listen and learn.
[After 2,015 years ago]
Steve: (offscreen) ♪ Jesus! Came to Earth in a ball of fire. Jesus! He killed all the dinosaurs. Jesus! Uppercutting T-Rex. Jesus! Karate kick that motherfucker. Jesus! Making oil for Republicans. Jesus! ♪
Woody: And that's pretty much it. Cue the theme song.

Connie: ♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?
Ethel: Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.
Connie: Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.
Ethel: I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.
[engine revving; parade music]
Woody: Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?
Connie: Yay! A parade!
Ethel: Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.
Connie: What makes you feel that way?
Ethel: That sign does.
Woody: [laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.
[Cows farting in "1812 Overture"]
Denzel: [laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?
Malloy: I hate cows!
Denzel: What? How could you hate cows?
Malloy: There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.
Denzel: You scared of cows!
Malloy: I'm not scared of cows.
Denzel: Well, let's go say hello.
Malloy: No, no, no!
Denzel: [laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!
Malloy: Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.
Connie: Thanks, Malloy.
Denzel: Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.
[Cows farting in "Symphony Number 40 in G Minor"]
Woody: [laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[cow accidentally farts and pooping on Woody's head] Ahh!

Steve: It's beautiful, Woody.
Woody: Yeah, but trying to make carbon footprint history to making me go broke. Steve, climb to the top of that transformer and steal me some electricity.
Steve: I guess I gotta cut through this wire.
Woody: Steve, you idiot! you're gonna get electrocuted! Be safe! Use the wet, non-grounded metal hedge clippers.
Steve: Good thinking. (he uses hedge clippers to trying cut the wire and being electrocuted)
Woody: Oh, no! Are you okay. God damn it, Steve. you melted them!
(in alternate universe)
Woody: These were my favorite hedge clippers, you dumb son of a...(An electric transformer falls onto him) Ow!
(back to original universe)
Steve: Woody, move! The transformer's going to fall and crush you. I saw it happen!
Woody: What the hell are you talking about, Steve?
Steve: Move! (he saves Woody from transformer falls and crashes on a ground)
Woody: Holy crap, Steve. You can see the future.

[Last lines; series finale]
Steve: Thank god. It was all a dream. I must've went into a coma when I got electrocuted on that transformer.
Dr. Moo-zniak: Oh, you're awake. Just in time to go into human slavery.
Cow Solider: We'll take it from here, Dr. Moo-zniak.
Steve: No. No, no, nooo!!
[Quick shots show that cows have taken all over the earth, with cows assembled into families and driving cars, running restaurants and the food they eat is still dirt and grass and now appear to run businesses and towns just like humans did. In the last shot at Jorge's strip club, a nude cow girl stripper is flashing her udders (in the same way Jorge's female human strippers flash their breasts and genitalia) as male cows cheer for her and are holding cash in their hooves]

Voice cast[edit]

Tom Kenny - Woody Johnson, Dr. Kuzniak, Kirk Sanders, Phil, and Gay Mafia Leader
Daniel Tosh - Malloy
David Herman - Steve Williams, Jorge, Nikolai, and Hobo Larry
Jerry Minor - Denzel Jackson
Kaitlin Olson (Season 1) and Natasha Leggero (Season 2 & 3) - Ethel Anderson
Roger Black - Connie Cunaman, Bodean, and Firecracker Jim
Waco O'Guin - Bobby Possumcods, Dad, Buella, and Bill Cosby
John DiMaggio - Rick, Duke Dick, Homeowner, Frozen Toes Carruthers, Joe Wolf, Murder Bone, Todd Rowland, and Jimmy Wisniewski
Tara Strong - Amber, Myrtle, Pamela Anderson, Baby Bear, Woman, Porn Actress, and Homeowner's Wife
Grey DeLisle - Tammy, Chastity, Susan Sarandon, Grandmama, and Astral
Maurice LaMarche - Donnie, Flamey the Bear, Kurt Thoreau, and Steve's Dad's Ghost
Mark Hamill - Bosco

External links[edit]

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