Brickleberry

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Brickleberry (2012–15) is an American adult animated television sitcom that aired on Comedy Central.

Season 1 (2012)[edit]

Welcome to Brickleberry [1.01][edit]

[Edvard Grieg in "Morning Mood"]
Steve: (first lines) Take it all in, kids. This is nature in all it's majesty. Welcome to Brickleberry.

[Recording of a Flamey the Bear (Parody of Smokey the Bear) commercial]
Flamey: Only you can prevent forest...
Steve: [runs into Flamey] FIRE!!!
[Flamey screams]
Steve: [He's using the shovel to beating Flamey out the fire] Hold still! I'll beat the flames out. [He continues using shovel to beating Flamey to lying on the ground, bloody, broken, and nearly dead]
[Screen shows reviewer of the commercial watching the incident]
Reviewer: I like it!

Steve: Good morning, Malloy. How are you?
Malloy: Your head is enormous.
Steve: Hey. Don't forget I'm the one who rescued you after some crazy tourist ran over both your parents.
[Cutaway gag to Steve reading a book on safe driving, while driving]
Steve: The key to being a safe driver...[He runs over and injures Malloy's parents] Oh my God! Wait! You're both still alive! I'll go call for help! [He tries to call for help but he trips over his gun and accidentally shoots them both dead] Shit.

Woody: Malloy, you should be out there greeting all those tourists, because you're the cutest thing on the planet.
Steve: Malloy. We don't want him talking to anyone. He's a dick.
Malloy: Even your whispers sound fat.
Woody: How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.
Steve: Yeah, like what?
Woody: Like for starters he made that delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.
[Cutaway gag to Malloy shaking a salt shaker full of AIDs into a pot]
Woody: And don't forget, he planned that surprise party for Denzel.
[Cutaway gag to Denzel walking into a room with the KKK in it]
KKK: Surprise!
[Back to scene]
Woody: Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna shut down Brickleberry. So, I've decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.
Connie: A new Ranger?
Denzel: Old lady, old lady, old lady.
Woody: Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.
Steve: Ranger of the Month?
[Ethel appears, Connie's vagina growling]
Connie: Sorry, that's my vagina growling.
Ethel: ... Well, uh, okay. Uh, I-I'm really excited to...
[Connie's vagina growls]
Ethel: I'm really...
[Connie's vagina growls]
Ethel:...excited...
[Connie's vagina growls]
Ethel: Excited to work...
Steve: You! You're no den mother. You were here to take my ranger of the month title all along!

Steve: [He walking away backwards, flipping Ethel off] Ooooooh! [trips and falls over a chair...gets back up and continues walking backwards, flipping Ethel off] Ooooooh! [offscreen; walking backwards almost crushing to the trash cans]

Woody: I'm so glad everything turned out okay.
Malloy: No, everything turned out fine. Except for the part where I was raped.
Woody: Well, Ethel, looks like you get your job back.
Malloy: Who gives a shit?! I got raped.
Woody: Uh-huh. Steve, I guess you deserve to keep this for a while. [gives Steve the ranger of the month pin]
Steve: You know what? I think it's time for a change. [He makes it look like he's gonna give the badge to Ethel but he just puts it on the other side of his shirt] Wow, looks even better on this side. It's like a whole different shirt now.
Ethel: You're an asshole, you know that?
Steve: [laughing wickedly] She thinks I'm an asshole now. She doesn't even know that I spiked her coffee. Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...Wait a minute. Am I thinking this or saying this?!
Ethel: You spiked my coffee!?
Steve: Oops.
Flamey: Only you can prevent giant vats of acid. [he gets knocked into a vat of acid by Steve, burns from the acid as he screaming into his death]
[Camera shows the reviewer watching the commercial again]
Reviewer: I fucking love it!

Two Weeks Notice [1.02][edit]

Woody: Trust me, I don't need a gun to get respect. (lays his gun down on the table)

Ethel: Steve?
(gunshots, animals stampeding)
Steve: [slurring] Damn it! Come back here, chipyunk! Fight like a man!
Ethel: Hey, Steve! Stop it!
Steve: Why? There is no god. What's the difference?
Ethel: The difference is you're not dying. [sighs] The doctor called last week and told me. I just didn't tell you because I...I really...I really like the new Steve.
Steve: Bullshit! You're just lying to me so I don't blow Bambi's brains out. [gun cocks]
Ethel: Wait, Steve! Okay! Okay! Okay. Su--Suppose you are dying. Is this really how you want to spend your last few days?
Steve: You know what? You're right. I'm wasting precious time.
Ethel: Thank you.
Steve: There's way more messed up shit I've always wanted to do!

Denzel: (walks up to Woody) What's up ya fat old mother--- (Woody grabs the gun) handsome strong (hand off gun) stupid ignorant-ass (hand on gun) all-around nice guy?

Myrtle: Mother? I need to speak to you about Denzel. You can't tell me who to date.
Edith: Myrtle! I thought you had a dialysis appointment.
Myrtle: How could you, mother? You're going down, bitch!
Edith: I just did, on the colored kid. And it was heavenly.
[Myrtle and Edith are begin to fight]

Saved by the Balls [1.03][edit]

Steve: Grow! Grow, damn you, grow! Or do you want this to happen to you? They don't even respond to threats.
Denzel: We dead. I knew it.
Steve: Wait a minute. I remember something.
Ethel: His testicles are producing large amounts of testosterone. He'll be full grown practically overnight. Overnight. Overnight.
Steve: That's it!
[At night, Steve uses Malloy's balls to squirting some testosterone liquid into the field]
Denzel: Steve, have you lost your goddamn mind? This is your plan? bear ball juice?
Steve: It's testosterone. Didn't you see my thought bubble?
Denzel: Man, I'm getting outta here. White people do some fucked up shit.

Squabbits [1.04][edit]

Native American Weather Reporter: Look like sun.
[Another Indian runs by making noises and then it rains]
Native American Weather Reporter: Make that rain.

Woody: [mocking] Yellowstone! Yellowstone! Hmmph! They've got a cute animal. They didn't have 25 campers die in their park this month. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Connie: We shouldn't worry about Yellowstone. We could just make some improvements.
Malloy: Here's one. [puts a bag over Connie's head]

Denzel: I hate animals.
Malloy: To be fair, most animals hate black people...............and Mexicans.

[Steve has a squirrel and a rabbit]
Steve: Which is cuter? I don't know. The tourist loved the squirrel. The hiker, God rest her soul, loved the rabbit. If only I could have both...but how? [goes into ultimate thinking mode] That's it! You guys just need to fuck each other!

Woody: [shouting] Get out of my sight!! You're dead to me, bear cub! GET OUT!!!

Ethel: What a rabid gustation period. It must be their mutant DNA that might-
Woody: [mocking] Deh deh deh, Science. Deh deh deh deh, SHUT UP!!!
Connie: Ethel's right. Aren't you concerned about how fast they're reproducing?
Woody: Yeah, of course, you agree with your GIRLFRIEND! I'm not concerned at all. More Squabbits. More tourists. [in a blaccent] More tourists, more money. Right Denzel?

Woody: I am declaring open season on Squabbits! I want every poacher in the state here to shoot, stab, run over, decapitate, eat, kick, or fist those little bastards!
Connie: Or we could just relocate them.
Woody: We're gonna relocate them alright. TO HELL!

Pamela Anderson: Hello! Sorry, I'm late guys.
Steve: Pamela Anderson?
Denzel: Jackpot!
Woody: What's that skinny old man with that tit-job doing here?

Malloy: Winnie the Pooh never had to deal with this bullshit.

Pamela Anderson: So, cute! Need to hug. [she tried to hug Malloy and then she fall downs onto the ground and she get eaten by the Squabbits, and her poisonous body killed off the entire Squabbit species]

Race Off! [1.05][edit]

Kirk Sanders: Wait, you're not Vietnamese. (takes a closer look at Connie) Now I remember you! You are that waste of space that washed out of my program! I knew you would wind up in a garbage dump like this!

Denzel: Hey, no matter what color I am on the outside, on the inside, I'll always be a dignified black man.
Steve: That makes two of us!

Gay Bomb [1.06][edit]

Steve: Hi, brown sugar. You gettin' pretty for me?
Denzel: Maybe.
Steve: These are for you.
Denzel: Oh..My..(shrieks) GOD!
Steve: Wow. You really like roses, huh?
Denzel: Oh, Woody, Woody, I love it, I love it, I love it!

Hello Dottie [1.07][edit]

Woody: What the hell do you want, Steve?
Steve: Woody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.
Woody: Demands?
Steve: Well, maybe suggestions.
Woody: Suggestions?
Steve: Well, more of a wish list, actually.
Woody: Alright, Steve. (cracking his knuckles) You want to negotiate or we'll negotiate.
Steve: (gulps)
[Steve comes out to see the rangers]
Steve: Good news, guys. We don't have that crappy health insurance anymore.
Ethel: Really? That's great! What insurance do we have now?
Steve: None but this way, we'll be more careful.
[Everybody groans]
Steve: Also, you know what I really hate? When you're in your groove, rangering it up and then boom, you get interrupted by having to take a lunch break. So uh, Woody's gunna get rid of those.
Ethel: Steve, you're a spineless turd! You can't stand up to anyone!
Steve: Yes I can!
Denzel: Sit yo ass down!
Steve: Okay.

Jorge: I've been looking for an act so unconventional, that it will SHAKE UP THE INDUSTRY! I've got BIG PLANS! I'm going to make you a STAR!
Connie: Hmm, I don't know, Mister.
Jorge: It's Jorge. Come on, I'll even hire these two freaks.
Connie: Okay, I'll do it.
Jorge: YES! [to Denzel] You'll be our new DJ and [to Ethel] you can mop up the peep booths.
Ethel: What?
Denzel: Man, I hate DJ-ing. Wanna switch jobs?
Ethel: Really?
Denzel: Hello no! I love DJ-ing. Have fun mopping up that semen.

Steve's Bald [1.08][edit]

Steve: "Fear not humanoids. Bigfoot is your friend, unlike that Jew-hating Loch Ness Monster."
Loch Ness Monster: "I HATE THE JEWS!!!!"

Ethel: (shoots a dear in the head with a handgun) WHYYYYYYYYYYYY....did I enjoy that so much?

Daddy Issues [1.09][edit]

Woody: Dammit you bastards! This is the bottom of the 9th! It's our last chance! [to Malloy] Come on, rally bear! Show some spirit! Why can't you dance like those black bears? [points to the Yellowstone black bears chanting "Go Yellowstone!"]
Malloy: I am fighting the urge to say something horribly racist.

The Dam Show [1.10][edit]

Woody: I've got exciting news.
Denzel: Let me guess! Judge Judy here, she buck-ass naked and a horny as hell!
Woody: No, today's my birthday!

Season 2 (2013)[edit]

Miracle Lake [2.01][edit]

Ethel: So, what's this big important news?
Connie: Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...(gunshots) uh!
Malloy: Yes!
[Ethel gasped]
[bubbling; healing]
Ethel: Oh, my God. She's completely healed.
Connie: And my rash is gone.
Malloy: I wonder if it cures bitch.
[bubbling]
Ethel: I think my hymen just grew back.
Malloy: Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.
Woody: Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.
Steve: You could have just told us.
Woody: Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.
Steve: How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...(gunshots) uh!
Malloy: I could get used to this.
Ethel: There must be a scientific explanation.
Woody: Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.
Ethel: And another reason not to believe in God.
Woody: The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.
Malloy: Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.
Woody: Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.
Malloy: Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.
Steve: Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.
Denzel: Wait. You've never seen snow?
Malloy: Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.
Steve: Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...(gunshots) uh!
Connie: What's wrong, Denzel?
Denzel: Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...(gunshots) Shit!
Ethel: Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.
Malloy: God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.
Woody: Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!
Ethel: So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?
Woody: Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.

[Lyrics to Miracle Lake]
Woody: Let me tell you a little story 'bout this here lake.
Choir: Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.
Woody: Michael J. Fox jumped in. Now he don't shake.
Choir: Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.
Woody: We got Stephen Hawking walking and talking.
Choir: Yeah! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake!
Woody: If you've got cancer, this lake's the answer.
Choir: Miracle lake!
Woody: You got crohn's disease. Well, put your mind at ease.
Choir: Miracle lake!
Woody: If you go glaucoma, make yourself at home-a.
Choir: Miracle lake!
Woody: Thrombosis, therosis. It'll change your prognosis.
Choir: Miracle lake!
Woody: You got irritable bowel? Jump in. Grab a towel.
Choir: Miracle lake!
Woody: If you got leukemia, you can...(speaking) eh ... bulimia? Emphysemia? ... Screw it, just jump in!
Choir: Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Take me to the water right now! Take me right on in. It's a miracle! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Yeeeeeeaaaaaah!

The Comeback [2.02][edit]

Steve: Oh no! My leftover Chinese food! It's gone!
Denzel: [has Chinese food] Steve, if I'd have known, I never would have-
Steve: And look at that. Someone drew a mustache on my ranger of the month picture! Don't you people understand!? There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!
Denzel: Yeah, uh, a ghost at your Chinese food. [hides the Chinese food]
Ethel: [holds a marker] And drew a mustache on your picture.
Connie: And uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush ... Uh, I mean uh, what ghost?

Steve: I never told you about the ghost that ruined my childhood? It all started 25 years ago. I got up on Christmas morning and there were no presents. My dad said the ghost stole them. Then the ghost gambled away my college fund, backed over my dog, and gave my mo two black eyes on her birthday!

Woody: Back in the 70's, I made a living as a pornographic actor named Rex Erection.
Ethel: Woody Johnson wasn't a good enough porn name for you?
Woody: Huh? I-I don't get it. Anyhow, porn was just one of those jobs you stumble into when you're young and new to the city and you got a DISHONEST PINOCCHIO NOSE FOR A DICK! [laughs]

Porn Actress: Oh, no. It's my husband and his brother! They just finished playing 18 holes.
Woody Johnson: (as Rex Erection) I got 2 more holes you guys can play.

[Ethel protests against porn]
Malloy: Oh, God. What is this now?
Ethel: Do you have any idea how demeaning this is to women?
Malloy: ... Yes ... And no, you can not be in it.
Ethel: I would never be in this movie ... Wait, why can't I be in this movie? ... [self-conscious] You don't think I have trucker arms, do you? Is it my nose? [gasp] Are my boobs to small!? ... You know what? I'm not gunna fall into your little trap. [walks away before runs back; desperate] DON'T PUT ME IN THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE! PUT ME IN! MALLOY! PUT ME IN THIS MOVIE!
Malloy: Fine, but I'm not gonna pay you.
Ethel: Yes, I'm pretty!

Medium: Don't tell me about yourself. I'll tell you about yourself. You like to eat candy.
Steve: Yes!
Medium: You don't have a girlfriend.
Steve: No!
Medium: And you brought me here for some information on ... some subject.
Steve: Oh my God! Yes! I'm looking for an evil ghost. Where do you think he is?
Medium: Uh,...Ooh! The graveyard!
Steve: I knew it!
Denzel: Steve, can't you see this woman's playing you? This is bullshit.
Medium: Oh, a non-believer. Well, let me go check in with the other side. [gasp] I'm sensing, your grandmother mispronounces words like "Libary" and "Baffroom".
Denzel: ... Holy shit.

Chastity: I think I might wanna go to nursing school.
Malloy: I'm pretty sure they drug test.
Chastity: Oh, well.

Dr. Kuzniak: You're a very lucky man, Woody. Everything's going to be fine.
Woody: Great! So I can perform?
Dr. Kuzniak: [chuckles] Of course you can perform ... in stage plays, Lifetime original movies, even blackface minstrel shows. Just not pornography. You see, Woody. You're suffering from a rare ailment. Multiple sclerosis.
Woody: I have multiple sclerosis!? SHIT!
Dr. Kuzniak: Oh, Heavens no. I wish you did. I said "multiple scrote cysts". As in, multiple cysts in your scrotum. Each cyst is a little ticking time bomb. Every single bounce of your ball bag brings you closer to death.
Woody: Level with me, Doc! How many thrusts do I have left!?
Dr. Kuzniak: I can't give you an exact number, Woody but it's somewhere between, say 70 and 72.
Woody: Soooo, ... 700000 ... 1? [pronounced: seh-ven-dee-wun]
Dr. Kuzniak: [laughs] If only medicine could be that precise.

Woody's Girl [2.03][edit]

Woody: [about Astral] Hey, buddy, I would like to position myself in her lotus. You know what I mean?

Ethel: Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.
Malloy: Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.
Connie: She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.
Malloy: Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.
Steve: Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!
Ethel: Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.
Steve: (he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits) This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! (he pushes some fruit all over the floor)
Ethel: Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.
[phone ringing]
Ethel: Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.
Denzel: Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.
Ethel: Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?
[phone ringing]
Denzel: No.
Bobby: (offscreen) Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!
Guy: (offscreen) Maybe.
Ethel: Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?
Steve: (offscreen) Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?
Ethel: WHAT?!
(Connie screaming as she running around from Steve is holding a raw fish while he's chasing at her around and she's breaking out onto the window)

Trailer Park [2.04][edit]

Bobby: Now before we do this threesome I just wanna make sure it ain't gonna mess up our friendship.
(sheep bleats)
Bobby: Aah! Ow! What the hell y'all doin'?
Woody: Evicting you for tearing up my park!?
Bobby: That wasn't me, that was "Drunk Bobby". If you wanna talk to him, he'll be here in 12 ounces.
Woody: Happy hour's over, swamp people! You are hereby being kicked the hell out of my park!
[An old air conditioner falls down with a piece of paper goes off and onto the ground]
Steve: Huh. This looks like it's from the olden times. What is it?
Bobby: How am I supposed to know what the hell is? It's got words and shit on it.
Steve: Wow...1880's, da da da. Civil War...Your cousin..."Reginald Wooten Possumcods"... Oh, my god. According to this, you're the heir to Brickleberry Park.
Bobby: Wooo!! Wait a minute, did he call me a queer?
Woody: Give me that! Ooh...Actually, Robert, what it really says is, and I quote, there is no goddamn way in hell that asshole Bobby Possumcods owns this park!
Bobby: Don't get more official than that.
Steve: That's not what it says. It says right here Bobby owns the park, and..[Woody kicks him]
Bobby: Oh, I know what it says now. It says get the hell off my property!

Malloy: Great! So what's your Wi-Fi password? [pulls out his iPhone]
Bobby: The fuck's a Wi-Fi?
BoDean: "ObamaFan21", capital "O", capital "F". Upper-case sensitive. [while BoDean gives Malloy the answer, Bobby slowly turns his head in shock to point BoDean]
Bobby: I don't even know who you are anymore.

Bobby: I'm gonna ask you all as nice as I possibly can: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY TRAILER PARK!!!! Please!
Random Redneck: Well he did say please. Let's go. [all the rednecks start to leave]
Steve: Drive carefully!
Same Redneck: What the hell's that supposed to mean? [riot starts]

Crippleberry [2.05][edit]

Denzel: Oh hey, Jerry! What's up?
Connie: You two know each other?
Denzel: Yeah, we went to middle school together. Hey, Jerry, remember when you sneezed and got Wanda pregnant?
Jerry: I'm still paying for that cold.

Steve: (via computer voice) People of Earth. You are in no danger. Please remain in your homes. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Malloy: (swipes the stick away from Steve) Give me that! You can still talk, you moron.
Steve: Hey, give that back. It makes me sound smart like that crippled scientist, Tony Hawk.
Woody: (referring to Steve's handicap) Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!
Ethel: Woody!
Woody: Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.
Ethel: But he's dead.
Woody: Exactly.

Carnival Freak Midget: If it's a black guy, we're frying him.

Ranger Games [2.06][edit]

Announcer: Competing for team Brickleberry, the Swiss Fist...Magnus Blickensderfer!
[crowd cheering; applause]
Announcer: And for team Yellowstone, the ranger of danger, Steve Williams!
Steve: What's up, bitches?
[crowd groans; in disgusted]
Connie: [gasped] Steve, what did you do to yourself!?
Steve: I took a shit-ton of steroids, like you told me to.
Connie: I never told you to do that.
Steve: You implied it. And now look at the Steve, he's ripped!
Connie: Did you work out at all?
Steve: You have to work out? What the hell good are steroids then?

Magnus: That's far enough. Death to some small part of America. I thought I wired the scissors. Magnifying glass? No. Nail file? No. Fish scaler? No. Bubble wand? No. Pregnancy test? No. Lipstick? No. Chapstick? No. Stain stick? No. Glue stick? No. Glow stick? No. Blow torch? No. Smaller Swiss army knife? No. Baby dildo?
[Steve and Magnus was ready to fight the battle]

My Way or the Highway [2.07][edit]

Malloy: [about Connie] All that running and crying, you think she'd be thinner.

Bobby: [referring to Jorge] Who the hell invited this guy? We are definitely anti... anti... uh... [to Jorge] What the hell are you anyway?

Little Boy Malloy [2.08][edit]

Ethel: Ha, ha, ha. Little cranky pants didn't have his nap.
Malloy: I am gonna fucking claw your eyes out!
Ethel: Tantrums are normal for gifted kids.
Malloy: I'm not a kid. I'm a wild animal!
Ethel: And he has such a colorful imagination. Well, and ADHD. (Malloy bites her arm) OW! go play honey!
[Ethel throws Malloy breaks out the window from the her cabin]

The Animals Strike Back [2.09][edit]

Woody: "Jar Jar Binks, what are you doing in my room?"
Woody as Jar Jar: "Meesa like! Meesa like you!"
Woody: [pours lotion onto his Jar Jar puppet-wearing right hand] "Jar Jar, what are you doing? Jar Jar, this is crazy!" [starts jerking his dick off] "Stop, stop, don't stop, aaaahhh...ah, that feels good."

Steve: (as Connie in a TV) "Look at me, I'm Connie, I'm Driving. Oops! I hit something. Dum dee dum dum dum dum....BANG! Shot Malloy's parents, I'm so stupid."
Connie: Oh no! It was me. I killed Malloy's parents. I need to confess to him right now!
Steve: But those animals might kill you.
Connie: It's what I deserve! Unless there's some other piece of information that could clear my name or save my life.
Steve: Hmmm, not that I'm aware of...
[Connie screams; running, offscreen; door closed]

Woody: [sees a husband and wife leaving in their car] Where're you going? You just got here!
Male Tourist: Hey! No one wants to go to a park without animals.
Male Tourist's Wife: Yeah, it's like going to a Lakers game and not getting gang-banged by the team while my husband pulls the car around.
Male Tourist: Yeah! [pause] What she say? [Woody throws a rock at their car window]

Scared Straight [2.10][edit]

Steve: Okay, Jorge, there's the line for the costume contest.
Jorge: When does the furry sex commence? My sack grows tight with anticipation!
Steve: In a minute. Come on. Left, right, left. Shorten your gait. Come on.
Jorge: What the...What the fuck?
Steve: Denzel could do it. What's so hard about this?
Jorge: Because my eyes sting from the fumes coming from your anus. You smell like the Middle East!

Trip to Mars [2.11][edit]

Dr. Kurt Thoreau: [to Ethel] Do men with exceptional beards make your fish flaps foamy?

Malloy: There is some really obscure racism in this town.

My Favorite Bear [2.12][edit]

Flamey the Bear: Only you can prevent fires in forests.

Flamey the Bear: Oh, I am the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw, I'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's my favorite thing to do, Although I may black out, This thirst I cannot quench, One time I came too naked, Balls-deep in Judi Dench.

Bar Patrons: He'll drink, and drink, and drink, It's his favorite thing to do, Cause he's the famous bear, Who loves to drink and screw...!

Flamey the Bear: Nonsense! the night has just began, and the pills are just kicking in!
Steve: What?
[Flamey screams]

Jorge: Hey, you fat furry fook! And you, too, bear!
Super Rape: You stuck me with the bar tab.
Jorge: You burnt down my club!
Dr. Kuzniak: Your crappy insurance barely paid your deductible.
Man: And you mauled my kids!
Steve: In fairness, that wasn't Flamey. It was a real bear he sent to your house.
Man: Ah, okay. [leaves happy]

Steve: All I've ever done is love you and you're nothing but a washed up, drunken, asshole! You don't deserve to wear this suit! I hate you!
Flamey: I think I may be feeling regret for the first time in my life. Does regret feel like numbness in your left arm and then a crushing chest pain?
Steve: No, I think that's a heart attack.
[Has a heart attack and collapses]
Flamey: [breathing heavily] Steven, I'm dying ... Again ... Take off my bear head ... so that I may look on you ... with my own eyes.
[Steve takes off his mask and reveals a pale bald guy's face]
Flamey: I actually do remember meeting you at the Winn-Dixie. You were a stocky lad with a mispelled Flamey shirt.
Steve: Yeah. That was me.
Flamey: I remember, Steve, because...come closer.
Steve: Yes? Tell me.
Flamey: I remember because I banged your mother in the back of your station wagon. Her face was jammed into your boosted seat. When she climaxed, she inhaled three goldfish crackers. [dies]
[Steve gets mad and then drives off; He drives back and runs over Flamey multiple times]

Aparkalyspe [2.13][edit]

Connie: This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.
Steve: Aww!
Ethel: What a pretty name!
Connie: Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.
Malloy: "Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".
Woody: Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.
Connie: What's wrong with my boobs?
Malloy: Besides the fact that you also have a back set.
Denzel: [screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!
Ethel: This is going too far, Denzel!
Denzel: That baby's evil! I'll prove it!
Ethel: How?
Denzel: Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.
Steve: Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.
Connie: NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]
Woody: It's just a baby, Denzel.
Ethel: This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.
Malloy: Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.
Denzel: All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.
Ethel: Leave the gun.
Denzel: Fine.

Denzel: Connie, I'm sorry...[Connie is sleeping; snoring, Denzel walks quietly to Donnie's bassinet] Uh, Donnie, I'm not good at this apology stuff, but...I'm sorry I'm said you were the antichrist maybe when you grow up a little, you and I can...
Donnie: [satanic voice] Apology accepted.
Denzel: Oh, thanks, Donnie. You're pretty cool...WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?!
Donnie: Denzel, I'm going to rip out your dick! and feed it to the demons of hell! (growling; vomiting)
[Denzel screaming in frightened]

Malloy: [to Connie] Your body has a lotta bumps. We can't keep track of what they all are.

Donnie: [snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?
Steve: Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.
Donnie: The preacher said you're a pussy.
Steve: What? [he punches Vernon]
Vernon: What's wrong with you?
Steve: Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.
[Donnie laughs evilly]
Denzel: Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!
Father Quinn: I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?
Denzel: Rabbi Maltzman!
Rabbi Maltzman: No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.
Denzel: And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!
Dr. Kuzniak: Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.
Denzel: And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.
Jorge: I'm not with them! I'm on your side!
Steve: Jorge, shut up.
Jorge: Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!
Donnie: I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.
Father Quinn: The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
Donnie: Shut up!
[Father Quinn dies in explosion caused Donnie's satanic powers]
Donnie: So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?
Jorge: Blowjobbed to death?
Donnie: You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]
Connie: I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?
Denzel: We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!
Jorge: And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!
Vernon: Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!
Connie: What? NO!
Ethel: Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.
Denzel: You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.
Connie: (to everybody) Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! (she run away)
Jorge: Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs!

Season 3 (2014-2015)[edit]

Obamascare [3.01][edit]

[Lyrics to I Like to Sing Acapella]
Steve: I like to sing acapella.
Music Group: Acapella.
Steve: Makes me a most happy fella.
Music Group: Acapella.
Steve: I sing songs like a mella.
Music Group: Acapella.
Steve: All the golden legs to go hella.
Music Group: Acapella. Hey!
Steve: I can sing like a dog.
Music Group: Acapella. Hey!
Steve: I can sing in the toilet.
Music Group: Acapella. Hey!
Steve: I can go out with Pablo.
Music Group: Acapella. Hey!

[Lyrics to Best Friends Forever]
Woody: Be my be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.
Steve, Woody, and Music Group: Best friends forever.
Steve and Woody: Whatever we endeavor. Our bond will never sever. No matter what so, what so ever. Best friends forever. Whatever the weather. Together whenever. When happy, sad, or in between.
Woody: Be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.
Steve: Oh!
All: Best friends!

[After Woody is vomiting at people during President Obama's party, which is cause he's allergic to crab cakes]
Woody: Oh god, how did this happen?
Steve: Hmm...It wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate was it?
Woody: You did this, you son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!
Steve: You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me. I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did, was treat me like shit! And you gave me cancer!
Woody: I'm gonna kill you!
Steve: Not if I kill you first!
[both fighting]

In Da Club [3.02][edit]

Leslie: Thanks for the tour, Steve-a. You have a such an exciting life.
Steve: It's even more exciting with cool (to Denzel) best friends (to Leslie, Lydia and Collette) like you. Can you believe someone thought (to Denzel) I couldn't make (to Leslie, Lydia and Collette) new friends?

Miss National [3.03][edit]

Announcer: Connie is 12 hands high with good gums, and apparently, has broken our scale.
Malloy: Connie, where's your bikini bottom?
Connie: It's right here, my camel toe's eating it. See? (her bikini bottom rips)

That Brother's My Father [3.04][edit]

Woody: Hey, What are you doing!? I'm watching the hockey game.
Denzel: Shut your ass up!
African-American Boy in a TV: Man, white people. you know what I'm saying?
(Denzel laughs hilariously)
Woody: What's so goddamn funny?
Denzel: Quiet, boy.
African-American Boy in a TV: Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! (he dances)
Denzel: (laughs hilariously) I did not see that coming.
Woody: I can't take this crap! I'm sick of your bullshit!
Anita: Stop it! Like it or not, we are a family now. You two need to spend the day together like father and son.
Woody: But, Mommy...
Denzel: Oh, Anita, I don't want to.
Anita: No arguments!
Both: Yes, ma'am.
Anita: Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?
Malloy: Daddy and Grandpa Denzel were fighting. I'm scared, gam-gam.
Anita: Oh, you poor little bear. Here. I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.
Malloy: White people. You know what I'm saying.

Write 'Em Cowboy [3.05][edit]

Denzel: All right, Steve. I pulled a lot of strings to help get you this gig. Hey, baby. It's my girlfriend's grandson's party, So don't screw it up.
Steve: Don't worry. the kids will love it. I'm doing a song I wrote about guys who work on a mountain.
Denzel: All right, Now go get' em.
Steve: (clear throats) ♪ Mountain men, I love mountain men. Mountin' Harry, Mountin' Tom, and Mountin' Ben. Sharing the tent with my favorite dudes. I want to be mountin' men like you. They're sweaty, hairy, and hard as a rock... ♪
Denzel: Steve, what the hell? You better play something else quick! Something for the kids!
Steve: Ooh, I've got a cute rooster song.
Denzel: Do it! Do it!
Steve: ♪ I'm in the barn, I'm playing with my cock. All the boys line up to pet my cock. He's thick, he's red, he's got a big old head. Why don't I just show you instead? Raise your hand if you want to see my cock. ♪

Steve: ♪ You say love, is easy. But love is painful. But love can make you cry. But love can leave you bloody. it's not easy, but love fills you up inside. ♪
[crowd cheers and whistles]

Old Wounds [3.06][edit]

Secretary: Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?
Connie: I peed.
Secretary: You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.
Steve: What's your name?
Secretary: Fuck you. That's my name.
Steve: Is that Korean?
Secretary: Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.
Denzel: It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye (he leaves)
Secretary: That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.
Woody: Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?
Secretary: Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.
Woody: No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.
Secretary: All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. (she leaves; door open)
Steve: Bye, Fuck you.
(door close)

Woody: [shows the Secretary on projector a stick-figure drawing of her, imitating her voice] I'm a hateful bitch with a dried up snatch! What's that in the sky? OH NO, IT'S WOODY'S ASSHOLE!!! [Woody draws squiggles all over the picture with a brown marker] It's covering me in shit but I love it, cause I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut! [draws an additional caricature of her face eating Woody's poop] It's in my mouth! YUM-YUM-YUMMMMY!!! [turns off projector] And there's my plan, what do you think?
Secretary: [not pleased] HOW DARE YOU JOHNSON! I'm gonna....
Woody: [interrupts, also angry] Gonna what? You can't fire me, I'm in the GODDAMN RANGER UNION!!
Secretary: There's no such thing as a Ranger Union!
Woody: Huh? [glares at Malloy]
Malloy: Ooooh, sorry, I forgot I made that up.

Malloy: Great job, Woody. This place is almost as bad as a comfort inn.
Buella: Goddamn you, Jim! I told you to pay the light bill.
Firecracker Jim: I hope they do shut it off so I won't be able to see you damn ugly face!
[Buella and Fireworker Jim are fighting]

Baby Daddy [3.07][edit]

Ethel: Steve, we need to talk. Whoa.
Jorge: Oh yeah, That's hot.
Ethel: This for a magazine or something?
Jorge: No, no, just for me. Now, bend over and show me your pooterus.
Ethel: Steve, I owe you an apology. I've been horrible to you lately, but seeing you like this...oh, and like that...and not so much that one. But it makes me realize that I do want to have this baby with you.
Steve: That's great, Ethel.
Ethel: So what do you say you and I go on some perfectly safe family fun activities?

Steve the Fearless Pilot [3.08][edit]

Denzel: So last night, when my girl said she wanted to slip into something more comfortable, I didn't know she meant a coma. [laughs] Hey, what's wrong with you, that's funny. I mean, it's sad, too, 'cause she died.
Connie: I'm sick of being called ugly, Denzel. There's only so much a girl can take. One day I'm gonna snap, and when I do...
Denzel: Calm down. At least I appreciate you.
Connie: Really?
Denzel: Sure. Ugly people like you exist to make people appreciate handsome people like me.
Connie: I HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!
[Connie furiously steps and accidentally make empty toxic barrels collapse into a river, Connie and Denzel are on a river and they falls into a waterfall, Connie breathing Denzel to save his life]
Denzel: (coughing) What are you doing?
Connie: I was saving your life.
Denzel: Next time let me die! where the hell are we?
Connie: Looks like the deserted island.
Denzel: Damn, It's just like my dream. Only you ain't Cloris Leachman with a hot wings for a clitoris.
Connie: I'm scared, Denzel. What if no one ever finds us here? I'll die of virgin! Unless...
Denzel: Yeah, I'm gonna be real sad at your virgin funeral.

High Stakes [3.09][edit]

Woody: [sees an Eskimo humping a coconut right outside Ford's office] Jesus, who wrote this shit? [Camera pans to Bobby and BoDean revealed as being the show's "Riters"]
Bobby: [excited with his brainstorm] And then, he fucked the coconut!
BoDean: [satisfied] Hello Emmy! [keeps typing into his unplugged computer]

Steve: [walks through one jump rope leap], Whew! Okay, I did the rope. I did half a sit up. Why can't I lose weight?!! [shakes his pot belly] All I've been eating are these rice cakes. [picks one up]
Denzel: [agitated] Those are Rice Krispie Treats dumbass!

Amber Alert [3.10][edit]

Amber: I'm here about the job?
Ethel: Yeah, actually, we've already decided...
Woody: That you're hired.
Amber: Oh, goodie!
Ethel: WHAT!?
Connie: Yes!

Ethel: Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl?! Do you know what she did her first morning on the job?
Lady: You shot my husband!
Amber: Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.
Lady: He's not a bear! He's just Armenian.
Armenian guy: It's okay, She's hot.
Amber: (gasps) Bear! [she shoot an Armenian man with a gun]
Woody: So the world has one less clogged shower drain. Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.
Amber: Good morning, everybody.

Amber: Well, I'll really miss that nigger when he goes to the fire tower.
Ethel: Whoa. We don't use that term here.
Amber: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really miss that nigger when he goes to the "watch-tower".
Woody: Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.
Ethel: Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.
Denzel: Yes, I would. It's only wrong when ugly people say it. Bye, Amber.
Amber: Bye, nigger!
Ethel: You know what? Screw you, guys! I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.
Amber: Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals".
Woody: Anything for you, honeypot. Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.
Ethel: Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.
[In Ethel's thought bubble: Amber's dead in hangman]
Steve: Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.
Ethel: God damn it!

Amber: (she holds a parrot) Aw, cute, cute, cute!
Ethel: Be careful! I rescued that poor little guy after his parents were killed by predators.
Amber: Oh no, the Predator! Someone call Arnold Schwarzenigger!
Ethel: That's not how you pronounce it, at all.
Amber: Hey, little birdie. you don't need to be so sad. Here. (she gave it a zoloft to parrot)
Ethel: What did you just do!?
Amber: I gave it a zoloft to make him happy.
Ethel: You can't give a bird zoloft.
(parrot squawks; felt tired)
Amber: Oh no. (giggles) That adderall will take the edge off. See?
(parrot coos)
Amber: Fly away, god's creature. (she toss a parrot onto the floor and Ethel facepalm)

Ehtel: Thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the opening of the Ethel Anderson orphan animal sanctuary. Hello?
Amber: So, do Asian people see the world in letterbox?
Chinese karate teacher: Sure, sure, whatever you say.
Ethel: "Welcome Amber"?! We're supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.
Woody: Change the plans, fugly. Now scram, you're blocking my view of Amber.
Ethel: This is my night! This is not about some racist pill-popper with nice tits!
Amber: Aw, thanks, Ethel. And thanks for coming to my welcome party. You look so cute.
Woody: Amber, you are so sweet for lying to Ethel like that. Give me a hug. Now one from behind.
Ethel: Enough of this bullshit, Woody! We both know that she's not fit to do any job at Brickleberry.
Woody: Sure she is. (to Amber) What job would you like, Amber?
Amber: I like the baby "aminals".
Woody: Good idea. From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "aminal" sanctuary, and you're in charge.
Ethel: Woody, you can't do that!
Woody: Already done. Now cut out, Nanny McPhee. You're bringing down the party.
Ethel: Can I get something strong?
Bartender: Beat it, sea world.

Ethel: How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals?
Woody: How about I put you in charge of getting you walleyed nipples away from me?
Ethel: What? I'm hot! I'm a ten!
Malloy: I guess that makes Connie a 13.
Woody: Look, Scare-A-Reid. As long as Amber's around, She's in charge of the "aminals"!
Amber: Aw, look how happy he is since I took over. I got to buy some more pills. The red kitty dogs love them. Fly away, god's creature.
(Amber throw the baby fox under a ceiling fan to get sliced into both the upper body and lower body to fall on the floor)
Amber: Yay! Now there's 2 kitty dogs!
[Ethel angrily groans]

Ethel: Jesus Christ. I can't believe I fell for her too. But that ass is so...no, no, no.
[Amber sobbing]
Ethel: Amber, are you crying?
Amber: I thought you were the only one here that didn't look at me like piece of meat. I'm sick of getting by on my looks. and because I never had to work for anything, I suck at everything.
Ethel: You could be a ranger, and I can help you.
Amber: Really?
Ethel: It's not about looks. I know for a fact that you have greatness inside of you.
Amber: You think so?
Ethel: Smell for yourself.

See 'n Say Farmer Says: The coyote says...
Amber: A-roo!
Ethel: That's right! You're on your way to being a great ranger.
Amber: Yay!
Ethel: I think we're ready for the "plant or animal" coloring book. Be right back. Oh, in the meantime, study these forest flash cards.
Amber: Oh, my god. That's a...fiery! And it's right where the sanctuary is! This is it, Amber. It's time to be a great ranger! (she runs off)
Ethel: Amber, where'd you go? I was thinking we could do arts and crafts next. We can work our scissoring.
Connie: Did someone say "scissoring"?

Ethel: Amber? Amber! Has anyone seen Amber?
Woody: Ethel, I...I think we lost her.
Amber: I did it! I saved them! (she release some animals after she save them)
Ethel: Whoa.
Amber: Did I get burned a little? I can't really feel anything.
Ethel: It's not...bad. Here. Ooh, much better.
Amber: You were right, Ethel. I can be a great ranger!
Ethel: So, um...thank you for your bravery, and um...
Woody: Amber, you're fired.
Amber: Oh! Because I have a couple of burns?
Woody: No, because I can see through your face.
Amber: Ethel, tell them what you told me, that it's not about looks. It's about what's on the inside?
Ethel: You know what, Woody? Amber's right. Looks or no looks, she does belong to Brickleberry. And I know the perfect place for her.

Cops and Bottoms [3.11][edit]

Steve: Dad, you busted more criminals in this park than any ranger, I'll find a way to make you proud. [his pants falls down] Starting now. [his underwear rip it off] Starting now. [farts] Ah, fuck it.

Malloy: I haven't seen this many screaming Mexicans since bus passes went up.
Woody: This is your fault, Malloy.
Malloy: Why don't you just show it to them?
Woody: NO! there's no way I'm showing my disgusting hemorrhoid to anybody! I bought this cream to shrink the bastard.

Steve: I should've known I couldn't be a cop. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud, Dad.
Jonah: (offscreen) You make me proud every day, son.
Steve: (screams) Dad?
Jonah: You're a Brickleberry ranger just like I was. What more could a father ask?
Steve: Didn't you ever get bored here?
Jonah: If I did, I'd just go behind the bush and masturbate.
Steve: Okay.
Jonah: Son, be proud of yourself and what you are, a Brickleberry Park ranger. Now, get out there and take your park back, and If you need me, I'll be jacking off behind that bush.
Steve: Yes, sir.

Steve: I was wrong for not appreciating my job. Sure, being a park ranger can be boring and lame and put you at a high risk for lyme disease.
Denzel: Now you got me wanting to quit.
Steve: Oh, sorry. Fog brain. You know I have lyme disease. Now, I've got a plan to get these a-holes out of our park.
Ethel: Sorry, I was zoning out. I have lyme disease.
Denzel: We know! We all got lyme disease.

Campin' Ain't Easy [3.12][edit]

Woody: ♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.
Both: Yes!
Ethel: Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.
Malloy: So is your uterus.
Woody: Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.
Denzel: So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?
Woody: Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.
Malloy: Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.
Ethel: I'm winning this!
Connie: No, it's mine!
Denzel: Hands off my painted trash can lid!
Woody: Settle down, morons! Put these on.
Steve: Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.
Woody: There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.
Ethel: What happened?
Steve: I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.
Connie: Steve?
Steve: Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.
[In 15 past years ago, Campers ready to challenge to Gauntlet; gunshots]
Steve's Camper: We're gonna lose!
Steve: I know a shortcut.
Steve's Camper: Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."
Steve: Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!
[offscreen; Steve's campers are getting died in explosion from the mine field]
Steve: This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.

Steve: Alright, kids. Who's ready for some waterless, indoor, use-your-imagination swimming? Oh my god, where are they?! What do you think you're doing?!
Connie: We're just playing flashlight tag.
Steve: In a dark? Somebody's gonna get hurt. (he throws a flashlight to hit a handicap camper on a face) See? Everybody back inside!
Connie: No! we're not going back inside. And I don't want you to be my co-counselor anymore!
Steve: You want to split-up the tribe? Fine. Let's let the kids decide who they want to be with. Me, the world's best counselor, or...
Fat Camper: Connie, we picked Connie.
Steve: What?! I guess you four are my only campers. At least you guys like me.
Wheelchair Handicap Camper: We don't like you. You have our insulin.
Steve: And don't you fucking forget it.

Ethel: There's a finish line! The tribal shield is as good as mine...
(Handicap campers cheering)
Wheelchair Handicap Camper: We did it!
Steve: We did it! 1. 2. 3. 4. No dead kids!
Woody: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Steve's tribe is the winner!
Handicap camper: Is this a fucking trash can lid?
Pigmentation Disorder Handicap camper: Here you go, Steve. You finally deserve this. You are the world's best counselor.
Steve: Wow. Thanks, guys.
Pigmentation Disorder Handicap camper: To be honest, we all were pretty sure you'll find some way to kill us.
Steve: I think this shrunk up a little.

Global Warning [3.13][edit]

Ethel: Who the hell set the thermostat to 38 degrees?
Steve: [shivering] Woody did.
Ethel: Woody, that is such a waste of energy! Don't you care about our planet at all?
Woody: [babbles mockingly] Oh, shut up, Ethel. Our planet is fine. It was here 2,015 years before me, and it'll be here 2,015 years after me.
Ethel: Wow. Don't you know anything about the history of the Earth?
Woody: I know plenty. Here's a free history lesson. Listen and learn.
[After 2,015 years ago]
Steve: (offscreen) ♪ Jesus! Came to Earth in a ball of fire. Jesus! He killed all the dinosaurs. Jesus! Uppercutting T-Rex. Jesus! Karate kick that motherfucker. Jesus! Making oil for Republicans. Jesus! ♪
Woody: And that's pretty much it. Cue the theme song.

Connie: ♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?
Ethel: Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.
Connie: Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.
Ethel: I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.
[engine revving; parade music]
Woody: Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?
Connie: Yay! A parade!
Ethel: Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.
Connie: What makes you feel that way?
Ethel: That sign does.
Woody: [laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.
[Cows farting in "1812 Overture"]
Denzel: [laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?
Malloy: I hate cows!
Denzel: What? How could you hate cows?
Malloy: There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.
Denzel: You scared of cows!
Malloy: I'm not scared of cows.
Denzel: Well, let's go say hello.
Malloy: No, no, no!
Denzel: [laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!
Malloy: Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.
Connie: Thanks, Malloy.
Denzel: Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.
[Cows farting in "Symphony Number 40 in G Minor"]
Woody: [laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[cow accidentally farts as poops on Woody's head] Ahh!

Steve: It's beautiful, Woody.
Woody: Yeah, but trying to make carbon footprint history to making me go broke. Steve, climb to the top of that transformer and steal me some electricity.
Steve: I guess I gotta cut through this wire.
Woody: Steve, you idiot! you're gonna get electrocuted! Be safe! Use the wet, non-grounded metal hedge clippers.
Steve: Good thinking. (he uses hedge clippers to trying to cut the wire and being electrocuted)
Woody: Oh, no! Are you okay...Hedge clippers? God damn it, Steve, you melted them!
(in alternate universe)
Woody: These were my favorite hedge clippers, you dumb son of a...(An electric transformer falls onto him) Ow!
(back to original universe)
Steve: Woody, move! The transformer's going to fall and crush you. I saw it happen!
Woody: What the hell are you talking about, Steve?
Steve: Move! (he saves Woody from transformer falls and crashes on a ground)
Woody: Holy crap, Steve. You can see the future.

Ethel: This was the worst day of my life!
Connie: This was the best day of my life! How was your day, sister Ethel?
Ethel: Greatest day ever.
Connie: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I think we should live here forever. I really feel at home among the "Aim-ish".
Ethel: First of all, it's "Amish"! Second, your face looks like a fat turd rolled in orangutan hair!
Connie: But at prayer service, you said I looked like Abe Lincoln raped carrot top.
Ethel: I need some alone time! [sighs] I guess I'll go read the bible by candlelight.
Connie: Aw, Ethel, I'm sorry mispronounced "Am-osh". I, uh...Hey!
Ethel: Connie!
Connie: Is that Happy Dappy Bird?! How could you do this after you made me throw away all my stuff?
Ethel: Living like this was just too hard.
Connie: You're a hypocrite, and you broke the rules of our "Aa-mish" people.
Ethel: I'm sorry, Connie.
Connie: Sorry?! Do you know how much it sucks using a hand-cranked vibrator?! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go pick the splinters out of my cooch! I've been pissing toothpicks since Tuesday! (she walks as she close the door)

Woody: You here to kill me, future boy?
Steve: Woody, I'm gonna give you one more chance to shut this plant down.
Woody: Sure. Let me just grab my shut-down button.
Steve: Looking for this. (He used the gun) Give it up. With this collar, all I have to do is bark, and I'll know everything you're going do before you do it.
Woody: Crap. Really? Well, what happens next? Do I beat the shit out of you?
Steve: No.
Woody: I do now!
(Woody attacks before Steve barks as he dodging from Woody's fists, then Woody pants)
Woody: Oh, look, over there! Viggo Mortensen is behind you sucking himself off.
Steve: I know you're lying. I have to look.
(Woody running away from Steve and he runs back into his cabin house, into the kitchen and refrigerator and pressing some refrigerator buttons as codes and he opens the gate and he locked up)
Woody: Whew.
Steve: I knew you're hide here.
(Woody screams as he runs into a taxi car)
Woody: Quick, take me to the airport!
Steve: So you can fly to Australia and change your name to Rick Swordfire?
Woody: Oh, goddamn it!
(Woody runs out from taxi and he runs into a dog kennel)
Steve: My powers are too much for you, Woody.
Woody: Yeah, but you're still stupid. (he turned the light switch one)
(Some dogs growling and snarling as they barking is causing Steve shocking with his shocking collar)

[Last lines; series finale]
Steve: Thank god. It was all a dream. I must've went into a coma when I got electrocuted on that transformer.
Dr. Moo-zniak: Oh, you're awake. Just in time to go into human slavery.
Cow Solider: We'll take it from here, Dr. Moo-zniak.
Steve: No. No, no, nooo!!
(Quick shots show that cows have taken all over the earth, with cows assembled into families and driving cars, running restaurants and the food they eat is still dirt and grass and now appear to run businesses and towns just like humans did. In the last shot at Jorge's strip club, a nude cow girl stripper is flashing her udders (in the same way Jorge's female human strippers flash their breasts and genitalia) as male cows cheer for her and are holding cash in their hooves)
Bobby: THIS IS AAAAAAAWESOMEEEEEEE!!

Voice cast[edit]

Tom Kenny - Woody Johnson, Dr. Kuzniak, Kirk Sanders, Phil, and Gay Mafia Leader
Daniel Tosh - Malloy
David Herman - Steve Williams, Jorge, Nikolai, and Hobo Larry
Jerry Minor - Denzel Jackson
Kaitlin Olson (Season 1) and Natasha Leggero (Season 2 & 3) - Ethel Anderson
Roger Black - Connie Cunaman, Bodean, and Firecracker Jim
Waco O'Guin - Bobby Possumcods, Dad, Buella, and Bill Cosby
John DiMaggio - Rick, Duke Dick, Homeowner, Frozen Toes Carruthers, Joe Wolf, Murder Bone, Todd Rowland, and Jimmy Wisniewski
Tara Strong - Amber, Myrtle, Pamela Anderson, Baby Bear, Woman, Porn Actress, and Homeowner's Wife
Grey DeLisle - Tammy, Chastity, Susan Sarandon, Grandmama, and Astral
Maurice LaMarche - Donnie, Flamey the Bear, Kurt Thoreau, and Steve's Dad's Ghost
Mark Hamill - Bosco
Carlos Alazraqui - Rich Skymall III, McGill, Not-So-Fast, and Warden Tiny Smalls
Sheetal Sheth - Dottie
Lucas O'Guin - Brant, Lucas, Kid, and Steve's Camper
Janell Cox - Governor Melcher, Anita, and Ellen DeGeneres
Tress MacNeille - Leslie and Secretary of the Interior
Benjy Bronk - Driving Instructor
Toby Huss - Aubrey
Alex Brown, Darryl Phinnessee, Josef Powell, and Sally Stevens - Miracle Lake Choir
Shuli - Old Amish Man

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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