Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it's a magictrick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
[Evan Baxter's live announcement of his appointment as anchor has rankled Bruce]
Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
Bruce: Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the very bedrock of my life simply eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING.
Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
Technician: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, FUCKERS! [flips off bird]
Jack: Oh boy.
Grace: Oh, my God.
God: This last entry was a little disturbing; "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: [shocked] Are you spying on me?! Who are you?
God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going...
God: Bruce, I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and goodluck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK! You know what? It would have been a little bit more impressive though if you hadn’t used the cheesy file cabinet illusion. Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side.
God: Okay, let me explain the rules.
God: Yeah, you left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.
Bruce: Well the "two extra fingers" thing freaked me out a little bit.
God: [laughs] I figured that would get your attention. I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks. Now, here's the deal. You have all my power, use it any way you choose. There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God; believe me, you don't want that kind of attention. And you can't mess with free will.
Bruce: Can I ask why?
God: [smiling] Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!
Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out of my butt. Then you'll get your "sorry". How about that?
Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?!
Thug #2: ¡Brujería! ¡Es el Diablo!
Thug #3: This is some voodoo shit, man! ¡Vámonos! Let's go!
Bruce: Are you guys leaving? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [Breathes bees at them, and is then joined by the monkey] Hey there, little anal-dwelling butt monkey! Time for you to go home, little buddy. [The monkey re-enters the Lead Thug's butt]
Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
Evan: [as Bruce manipulates the teleprompter] The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I "lika"... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some "technical" difficulties... [farts] Oh... my apologies.
Bruce: [to God] Am I...?
God: You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.
Bruce: But why? Why now?
God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have the gift of bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit braggin'
God: You see! That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.
[God gives Bruce prayer beads]
Bruce: What do you want me to do?
God: I want you to pray, son. Go ahead. Use them.
Bruce: [trying to pray] Lord, feed the hungry and bring peace to all of mankind. [to God] How's that?
God: Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon, - what do you really care about?
Bruce: [looking into the distance then to God] No... I want her to be happy. No matter what that means. I want her to find someone, who will treat her with all of the love she deserved from me... I want her to meet someone... who will see her always, as I do now... through your eyes...