Bruce Almighty

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Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!
You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

Bruce Almighty is a 2003 comedy film about a man who, after complaining that God is unfair, is given God's powers to see if he can do a better job.

Directed by Tom Shadyac. Written by Steve Koren, Mark O'Keefe, and Steve Oedekerk.
He's got the power. (taglines)

Bruce[edit]

  • Fine! The gloves are off God! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is You! ANSWER ME!!!
  • God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass.
  • [breaks down upon seeing Grace pray so hard] You win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want You to decide what's right for me! I SURRENDER TO YOUR WILL!

God[edit]

  • Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce, it's a magic trick. A single mom who's working two jobs, and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says "no" to drugs and "yes" to an education, that's a miracle. People want Me to do everything for them, but what they don't realize is, they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

Dialogue[edit]

[Evan Baxter's live announcement of his appointment as anchor has rankled Bruce]
Bruce: Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk.
Grace: Come on! What are you DOING?!
Bruce: Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me, why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Bill (Ferry Owner): Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want...
Bruce: [shakes head vigorously] Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?! Eroding, eeeeroding, EEEEEERODDDING!
Jack: Cut the feed. Go to black.
Technician: I'm on it.
Bruce: I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
Jack: Oh boy.
Grace: Oh, my God.

God: This last entry was a little disturbing; "The gloves are off, God." "God has taken my bird and my bush." "God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass." "Smite me, O mighty smiter!" Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
Bruce: [shocked] Are you spying on me?! Who are you?
God: I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and Earth, Alpha and Omega.
Bruce: Oh, I see where this is going...
God: Bruce, I'm God.
Bruce: Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you SUCK! You know what? It would have been a little bit more impressive though if you hadn’t used the cheesy file cabinet illusion. Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side. [Bruce inspects the wall and God moves the file cabinet, revealing nothing but the wall behind it]

God: Okay, let me explain the rules.
Bruce: Rules?
God: Yeah, you left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.
Bruce: Well the "two extra fingers" thing freaked me out a little bit.
God: [laughs] I figured that would get your attention. I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks. Now, here's the deal. You have all my power, use it any way you choose. There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God; believe me, you don't want that kind of attention. And you can't mess with free will.
Bruce: Can I ask why?
God: [smiling] Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!

Lead Thug: I'll tell you what. We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out of my butt. Then you'll get your "sorry". How about that?
Bruce: What a coincidence! Because that's... today.
[the Lead Thug freezes and starts to shake. A monkey emerges from the Lead Thug's pants]
Thug #1: Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?! [the Lead Thug faints; the other thugs flee from Bruce]
Thug #2: ¡Brujería! ¡Es el Diablo!
Thug #3: This is some voodoo Simon, man! ¡Vámonos! Let's go!
Bruce: Are you guys leaving? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts! [opens his mouth and releases a swarm of locusts after the thugs; the monkey approaches Bruce] Hey there, little anal-dwelling butt monkey! Time for you to go home, little buddy. [The monkey re-enters the Lead Thug's butt]

[Hank, a K-9 police dog, takes down a suspect as part of a training session.]
Phil Sidelman: I certainly wouldn't want to be a fugitive on the run with Hank, Buffalo's number-one police dog, on the job. This is Phil Sidelman, reporting from the police K-9 training center, Channel 5 News. [to cameraman] Then cut it.
[As Phil and his crew head back to their van, Phil notices Bruce]
Phil: Hey...look what the cat coughed up. Channel 7, right? You're the guy that went crazy.
Bruce: I had a bad moment.
Phil: What're you doing here?
Bruce: Just looking for a story.
Phil: [waves his tape at Bruce] There's no story here. This pond is all fished out. ...Standard stuff anyway.
Bruce: I dunno. My instinct tells me there's something more.
Phil: Yeah, well, go with that. Served you well in the past, right? [He and his crew laugh at Bruce. In the background, Hank the dog begins digging something up.]
Cop #1: Hey, Hank's found something!
[Hank begins pulling out a dead body.]
Cop #2: Hey, we got a body!
Phil: Simon, get the camera, now!
[The Channel 5 news van suddenly shuts and locks]
Crew Member: It's locked, and the keys are inside!
Bruce: I guess every dog has his day. [to a nearby kid] Hey kid, you wanna make 10 bucks?
Kid: Sure.
Bruce: [shows the camera] You know how to use one of these things?
Kid: Duh!
Bruce: [blows into the eyepiece like a trumpet] Seems to be in tune. Let's do this!
[Cut to a news report.]
News Woman: The body of Jimmy Hoffa was uncovered in a field today outside of a K-9 training center in Buffalo, New York. Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.
Bruce: Thank you, Jane. As you can see behind us, the body is being carefully exhumed, and will be transported to a medical facility where DNA testing can confirm the identity - that, however, merely a formality at this point, as in a bizarre twist, the body was found buried with a birth certificate, and complete set of dental records.

Evan: In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What did he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter's fine.
Director: Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it.
Evan: [as Bruce manipulates the teleprompter] The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lika... do... da cha-cha. I'm sorry, we seem to be having some technical difficulties... [farts] Oh... my apologies. [Bruce then makes Evan speak garbled gibberish]

Bruce: [to God] Am I...?
God: You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway and live to talk about it, son.
Bruce: But why? Why now?
God: Bruce, you have a divine spark. You have the gift of bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know, I created you.
Bruce: Quit braggin'
God: You see! That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.
[God gives Bruce prayer beads]
Bruce: What do you want me to do?
God: I want you to pray, son. Go ahead. Use them.
Bruce: [trying to pray] Lord, feed the hungry and bring peace to all of mankind. [to God] How's that?
God: Great!... If you wanna be Miss America. Now c'mon, - what do you really care about?
Bruce: [starting to break down] Grace.
God: Grace.... You want her back?
Bruce: [looking into the distance then to God] No... I want her to be happy. No matter what that means. I want her to find someone, who will treat her with all of the love she deserved from me... I want her to meet someone... who will see her always, as I do now... through your eyes...
God: Now that's a prayer.
Bruce: Yeah?
God: Yeah. It's good.
Bruce: [relieved] It's good?
Both: It's good! [laughs]
God: I'm gonna get right on it...

Homeless Man Signs[edit]

  • R EWE BLIND
  • LOOK TO YOURSELF
  • LIFE IS JUST
  • THY KINGDUMB COME
  • ALL FOR WON
  • GOD BEE GOOD HONEY
  • Bruce: (with his own sign) WHATEVER HE SAID →
  • ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE

Taglines[edit]

  • He's got the power.
  • In Bruce We Trust?
  • If you could be God for one week, what would you do?
  • The guy next door just became the man upstairs.

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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