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The King vs. The King of the Dead (taglines)
- [looking up Callie's skirt] The revealing of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional; she just didn't give a damn. She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin', she didn't mind if I got bird's eye view of her love nest. It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin' a peek. I felt my pecker flutter once, like a pigeon havin' a heart attack, then lay back down and remain limp and still. Of course, these days even a flutter was kinda reassurin'.
- Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... never, but never, fuck with the King.
- Here I was complainin' about loss of pride and how life had treated me, and I realized... I never had any pride. And much of how life had treated me had been good. The bulk of the bad was my own damn fault. Should've fired Colonel Parker by the time I got in the pictures. Old fart had been a shark and a fool, and I was even a bigger fool for following him. If only I'd treated Priscilla right. If I could've told my daughter I loved her. Always the questions. Never the answers. Always the hopes... never the fulfillments.
- Where'd my youth go? Why didn't fame hold off old age and death? Why the hell did I leave the fame in the first place? Do I want it back? Could I have it back? And if I could, would it make any damned difference?
- Is there finally and really anything to life other than food, shit, and sex?
- What do I really have left in life but this place? It ain't much of a home, but it's all I got. Well, goddamnit. I'll be damned if I let some foreign, graffiti-writin', soul-suckin' son of a bitch in an oversized cowboy hat and boots take my friend's souls and shit 'em down the visitors toilet!
- In the movies, I always played the heroic types. But when the stage lights went out, it was time for drugs and stupidity and the coveting of women. Now it's time. Time to be a little of what I had always fantasized of bein' - a hero.
- [his last words] Thank you... thank you very much.
- JFK: That's where they took a piece of my brain. They got it back in D.C. in that God damn jar. [pause] I got a little bag of sand up there now.
- Elvis: But Jack uhh, no offense but... [pause] President Kennedy was a white man.
- JFK: That's how clever they are. They dyed me this color, all over. Can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that?
- Callie: But why would you want to leave all that fame, Mr. Presley? All that money?
- Elvis: I don't know. 'Cause they got old. The woman I loved, Priscilla, she was gone. The rest of the women... were just women. I mean, the music wasn't even mine anymore. Hell, I wasn't even me anymore, just this thing they made up. And my "friends"... well, they were sucking me dry.
- Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
- JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines!
- Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business.
- JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
- Elvis: I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.
- JFK: He had me on the floor and had his mouth over my asshole!
- Elvis: A shit eater?
- JFK: I don't think so. He was after my soul. Now you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it.
- Elvis: Oh, yeah? Where, man? Hustler?
- [after Elvis tells the story of how he switched with Sebastian]
- The Nurse: Don't carry it too far. You may just get way out there and not come back.
- Elvis: Oh, fuck you!
- [Nurse and Callie laugh]
- Elvis: Shit! Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em. Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.
- Elvis: Look, man, President Johnson's dead.
- JFK: Shit. That ain't gonna stop him.
- Elvis: That's my daughter.
- JFK: I know. We weren't there for our kids when they needed us, were we?
- Elvis: Man, if I could just talk to her again... tell her I love her... try and make things right somehow.
- JFK: No time for regrets, Elvis. We were the best fathers we could be under the circumstances.
- Elvis: Yeah, I guess, no time for regrets. We got business to take care of.
- The King vs. The King of the Dead
- Bruce Campbell — Elvis Presley
- Ossie Davis — John F. Kennedy
- Ella Joyce — The Nurse
- Heidi Marnhout — Callie
- Bob Ivy — Bubba Ho-tep
- Larry Pennell — Kemosabe
- Reggie Bannister — Rest Home Administrator
- Daniel Roebuck — Hearse Driver