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- Directed by Hugh Wilson. Produced by Michael Hirsh and Kevin McCormick. Written by Jeph Loeb, Matthew Weisman and Hugh Wilson. Based on The Burglar in the Closet by Lawrence Block.
A first rate comedy about a second story woman.
Bernice "Bernie" Rhodenbarr
- That's right, bitch, don't tell me about the alarm.
- It's not what you steal... it's who you steal it from.
- [listening to the loud sounds of sex] Who is this guy? [listening to even louder sounds of sex] And why don't I have his phone number?
- [to the man who just tried to kill her by drowning] You ruined my life, my 'do, AND my Manilow tapes!
- Dr. Cynthia Sheldrake: There is a DISTINCT difference between killing someone and fucking them!
- Carl Hefler: Did you know that policemen have the highest rate of suicide?
- Frankie: That's not really my forte.
- Bartender at Parker's on Fifth: That guy got more ass than a toilet seat!
- Bernice: Ya know, that is beautiful.
- Frankie: What line of work are you in?
- Bernice: I'm a cat burglar.
- Frankie: Oh, shit! What do you do with them?
- Bernice: What?
- Frankie: The cats!
- [They both begin laughing]
- Bernice: I hold them for ransom!
- Frankie: Is there any money in that? [laughing] Oh, Jeezus! Look who's asking if there's any money in pussy!
- Carl: Cause I'm a black man in a white man's world...
- Detective Nyswander: Uhh, Mr. Hefler, you're caucasian...
- Carl: Beautiful! Hold THAT against me too!
- Vincent: What'll it be?
- Carl: [walking up to the bar] Package delivery.
- Vincent: For who?
- Carl: It just says "Mayday".
- Vincent: Here I'll take it.
- Carl: Ya gotta sign for it. [passing a clipboard]
- [Vincent signs and returns clipboard]
- Carl: [reading signature] Kay-no-bee... K-noby! Is that like in Star Wars?
- Vincent: No idiot, it's "Knobby".
- Carl: Oh! it's... so it's like a nickname.
- Vincent: Yes, I think maybe it's something like that. [knocking on his bald head]
- Carl: Well I'm gonna need your full name, please.
- Vincent: Sorry...
- Carl: Come on, it's the regulations.
- Vincent: Hey fuck you, okay?
- Carl: Fuck you? Thank you very much! I come here to give you a fuckin' package and you decide to blow me shit? [getting more irate] Like-like-like-like-like-like-like you're my idea of a dream come true - takin' shit from a dildo with ears? [shouting] You know when I was like five I said, "Dad, Dad! Can I get a job where random fuckin' shitheads blow me crap all day?" I'm gonna break you in fuckin' half and use your head as a ballpoint!
- [Carl grabs Vincent by the shirt]
- Carl: Now sign the goddamn thing!