Burglar (film)

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Burglar is a 1987 Canadian-American comedy film directed by Hugh Wilson and distributed by Warner Bros. The film stars Whoopi Goldberg and Bobcat Goldthwait.

Directed by Hugh Wilson. Produced by Michael Hirsh and Kevin McCormick. Written by Jeph Loeb, Matthew Weisman and Hugh Wilson. Based on The Burglar in the Closet by Lawrence Block.
A first rate comedy about a second story woman.

Bernice "Bernie" Rhodenbarr[edit]

  • That's right, bitch, don't tell me about the alarm.
  • It's not what you steal... it's who you steal it from.
  • [listening to the loud sounds of sex] Who is this guy? [listening to even louder sounds of sex] And why don't I have his phone number?
  • [to the man who just tried to kill her by drowning] You ruined my life, my 'do, AND my Manilow tapes!


  • Dr. Cynthia Sheldrake: There is a DISTINCT difference between killing someone and fucking them!
  • Carl Hefler: Did you know that policemen have the highest rate of suicide?
  • Frankie: That's not really my forte.


Bartender at Parker's on Fifth: That guy got more ass than a toilet seat!
Bernice: Ya know, that is beautiful.

Frankie: What line of work are you in?
Bernice: I'm a cat burglar.
Frankie: Oh, shit! What do you do with them?
Bernice: What?
Frankie: The cats!
[They both begin laughing]
Bernice: I hold them for ransom!
Frankie: Is there any money in that? [laughing] Oh, Jeezus! Look who's asking if there's any money in pussy!

Carl: Cause I'm a black man in a white man's world...
Detective Nyswander: Uhh, Mr. Hefler, you're caucasian...
Carl: Beautiful! Hold THAT against me too!

Vincent: What'll it be?
Carl: [walking up to the bar] Package delivery.
Vincent: For who?
Carl: It just says "Mayday".
Vincent: Here I'll take it.
Carl: Ya gotta sign for it. [passing a clipboard]
[Vincent signs and returns clipboard]
Carl: [reading signature] Kay-no-bee... K-noby! Is that like in Star Wars?
Vincent: No idiot, it's "Knobby".
Carl: Oh! it's... so it's like a nickname.
Vincent: Yes, I think maybe it's something like that. [knocking on his bald head]
Carl: Well I'm gonna need your full name, please.
Vincent: Sorry...
Carl: Come on, it's the regulations.
Vincent: Hey fuck you, okay?
Carl: Fuck you? Thank you very much! I come here to give you a fuckin' package and you decide to blow me shit? [getting more irate] Like-like-like-like-like-like-like you're my idea of a dream come true - takin' shit from a dildo with ears? [shouting] You know when I was like five I said, "Dad, Dad! Can I get a job where random fuckin' shitheads blow me crap all day?" I'm gonna break you in fuckin' half and use your head as a ballpoint!
[Carl grabs Vincent by the shirt]
Carl: Now sign the goddamn thing!


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