Megan's Dad: Dear Lord, please bless this food that we are about to eat. We thank you for the abundance that You have provided. Please help us to follow Your path, the one you intended us all to follow. And Lord... please help us to obey the roles in life You set for us. For all that is natural and... healthy... and sacred, in Your name we pray. Amen.
Mike: I myself was once a gay. Now I'm an ex-gay, Megan. I work for a place called True Directions who help people, like yourself, to learn to understand the reasons behind homosexual tendencies, and how to heal them.
Megan: What tendencies? Why would you think I'm a...
Megan's Mom: You've been trying to make us eat this tofu.
Mike: In diet, watch for a switch to vegetarianism.
Kimberly: You don't have any pictures of guys in your locker, just these. [shows a photo of a girl in bikini]
Mike: Sexual, even vaginal motifs in artwork and decorating. Gay iconography.
Jared: You don't even like to kiss me.
Her friends[all together]: It's true.
Megan: I can't believe this.
Mike: Denial is a normal part of the healing process that we'll explore at True Directions.
Megan's Mom: Like rehab, honey. Homosexuals Anonymous.
Mary: Looks like we got you just in time. What are you? About 17?
Megan's Dad: Yes!
Mary: Almost lost her to college. It’s so much harder once they’ve been through all that liberal arts brainwashing, but we’ve saved a few.
Narrator of True Direction video: No one would have guessed what would happen to this sweet little girl. By a young age, Kelly had a promising future: mommy's little helper and prom queen. Kelly had hopes to be a model one day. That is... until she was recruited into the homosexual lifestyle.
True Direction's motto: Straight is great.
Step 1 - Admitting you're a homosexual
Hilary: There's no inappropriate behavior allowed.
Megan: Inappropriate...like swearing?
Graham: No, inappropriate like fucking.
Mary: Megan, meet the rest of our group.
Jan: Hi, Megan. I'm Jan, and I'm a softball player, and I'm a homosexual.
Sinead: I'm Sinead. I like pain. I'm homosexual.
Joel: I'm Joel. I'm a Jew. And I... ho-homosexual.
Graham: We met.
Graham: I'm Graham, and I like girls, a lot. And I'm a homosexual.
Andre: Andre. Actor. Dancer. Homosexual.
Dolphe: Dolph. Homosexual. Varsity wrestler. How you doing?
Clayton: Hi. I'm Clayton Dunn. I work in retail, I'm a homosexual.
Hilary: Well, um... have you ever had sex with him?
Megan: I'm a Christian.
Hilary: It's really easy to be a prude when you're not attracted to him, isn't it?
Megan: I'm not perverted! I get good grades! I go to church! I'm a cheerleader! I'm not like all of you!
Jared: You don't even like to kiss me!
Megan: I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! [...] Oh my god... they were right. I'm a homo. [cries]
Andre[talking about Graham]: She's just upset, because the fish on her plate is the only kind she can eat.
Mary: I have told you over and over again! No more sipping! Chug it, like a man! Go on, chug!
Graham: After advanced cal and Chaucer I can follow this psychobabble.
Mary: This psychobabble, young lady is the only healthy alternative to the gay lifestyle. Other than guzzling a bottle of tranquilizers or slashing your wrists.
Step 2 - Rediscovering your gender identity
Mary: I think it might be a great idea for Megan to be reminded of your root, Graham.
Graham: My mother got married in pants.
Mary: All right, let's see, Dolph?
Dolph: Too many locker room showers with the varsity team.
Hilary: All girl boarding school.
Sinead: I was born in France.
Clayton: My mom let me play in her pumps.
Jan: I like balls.
Mary: Why thank you for that, Jan.
Joel: Traumatic breasts.
Megan: Women have roles. After you learn that, you'll stop objectifying them.
Mike: Don't you see how sad and pathetic you all are, always wanting something... you can't have? If I catch you looking at another man like that ever again, you'll be watching sports the whole weekend!
Step 3 - Family therapy
Mary: Megan, it's your turn to report out your root.
Megan: I think it might be my parents.
Mary: Okay, go with that.
Megan: You know we've kinda been like this greeting card family. And then there was that one year where... well Dad was unemployed and Mom had to support us.
Megan's Dad: Wait a minute, that was only for nine months. And then I was offered a much better job at the plant.
Megan: Maybe seeing Mom kind of being the Dad, maybe l maybe I got the wrong idea about the roles of men and women.
Mary: Absolutely. I can't believe that you didn't mention this earlier. Your father was emasculated, your mother was domineering.
Megan: Well not exactly.
Mary: You wanted to emulate your mother. You have no respect for men, because you don't respect your father.
Megan: 2, 4, 6, 8, God is good--
Graham: God is straight!
Megan: Hey, that's good.
Megan: Cheers are supposed to be simple, make people feel good.
Graham: Cheers make girls do stupid cartwheels. Orgasms make people feel good.
Graham: I thought it was just an act, but you really are sweet as fucking pie, aren't you?
Graham: You are who you are. The only trick is not getting caught.
All[singing]: 5, 6, 7, 8, God is good, God is straight. 1, 2, 3, 4, inverts we will be no more. 5, 6, 7, 8, God is good, God is straight.
Graham: Would you tie her to your bed and zap her to death? Or are you running low on batteries?
Step 4 - Demystifying the opposite sex
Graham: Larry and Lloyd are ex, ex-gays.
Megan: From True Directions?
Lloyd: We were among Mary's ranks before we defected. We're just trying to provide you all with a balanced perspective, to see that there are options. In the end it's up to you whether choose to live a...
Lloyd: Whether you want to be who you are or keep it hidden, is really more what we're about.
Megan: So you run like, the underground homo railroad?
Megan: You didn't tell me you were taking me to a gay bar!
Graham: Where else would we go?
Megan: I refuse to accept a false solution to my problem. I resist temptation and seek to solve my problem.
Graham: I don't like Sinead that way.
Megan: Which way is that, clothed?
Jan: I'm a heterosexual.
Mike: Not yet, honey. You're almost there. And don't speak out of turn.
Jan: No, I know, I've never been gay.
Mike: Jan remember, you were molested. And just take a look at yourself.
Jan: Everybody thinks I'm this big dyke because I wear baggy pants, and play softball, and I'm not as pretty as other girls, but that doesn't make me gay. I like guys. I can't help it. I want a big fat wiener up my...
Andre: Amen, sister.
Joel: No, I didn't go to the Cocksucker. I've never been to the Cocksucker. I won't. My cocksucking days are over. I am normal.
Sign: Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks.
All: Adam and Eve! Not Adam and Steve!
All: We are here! We're not queer! We're not going anywhere!
Joel[to Graham]: You are so goof at being straight.
The final test
Andre: I just wasn't meant to be butch. I'm a sissy. [cries]
Joel: You're more than just a sissy. You're nice, and clean, and smart...and sexy and firm and luscious and...
Andre: Excuse me! The last thing I need right now is some fruit who's just proved he's straight telling my ass how sexy I am! Congratulations, liars! You know who you are and you know who you want. Ain't nothing gonna change that, shit!
Mary[to Megan]: Get out of bed! You hormonal hussy! I can't believe you did this!
Mary[to Graham]: It's your choice; you can run off with Megan and turn into a raging bull-dyke, or you can do the simulation and graduate and lead a normal life.
Step 5 - simulated sexual lifestyle
Lloyd: I love my Larry bear!
Mary: Foreplay is for sissies! Real men go in, unload and pull out!
Megan: 1, 2, 3, 4 - I won't take no anymore! 5, 6, 7, 8 - I want you to be my mate! 1, 2, 3 ,4 - You're the one that I adore! 5, 6, 7, 8 - Don't run from me cause this is fate!
Mary: Megan, you stop it, this instant! Because you will wallow in the smut of your homosexual depravity for the rest of your life!