BuzzFeed Unsolved - True Crime

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BuzzFeed Unsolved - True Crime (2016-2021) is a documentary entertainment web series hosted by Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej.

Season 1[edit]

The Mysterious Disappearance Of The Sodder Children[edit]

Ryan: In the fall just before the house fire, a life insurance salesman came to the house and when he saw that his sale wasn't going to be successful, he became infuriated, yelling at George: "Your goddamn house is going up in smoke and your children are going to be destroyed. You're going to be paid for the dirty remarks you have been making about Mussolini."
Shane: (bursts out in laughter) Ryan, I think we solved it. Alright, well, it's been fun, see you later (pretends to get up and leave)
Shane: Nobody knows how to do their job in this town.
Ryan: It's unbelievable, like, "so you're telling me he screamed in your face that he's gonna murder your family? Sounds like a good dude to me, I don't know what you're talking about."
Shane: "Yeah, let's put him on that jury."
Ryan: They hired a private detective to go to Kentucky and find him, but strangely, the detective was never heard from again.
Shane: I think that's the first time I've ever heard of a detective going missing. That's like a fish drowing.

The Strange Disappearance of D.B. Cooper[edit]

Ryan: Lyle also cites a deathbed confession from his now late brother Kenneth. Kenneth reportedly said "there is something you should know, but I cannot tell you".
Shane: And then he died?
Ryan: And then he died.
[Shane bursts out in laughter]
Ryan: Talk about a guy who appreciates a cliffhanger.
Ryan: He's kinda starting to sound like an idiot.
Shane: A little bit.
Ryan: The whole time he's like, "yeah, bourbon soda, bomb, here's your note, I'm a cool guy, sunglasses". Jumps out the plane (imitates an uncoordinated fall and panicked scream)

Season 2[edit]

The Terrifying Axeman of New Orleans[edit]

Shane: I love it when serial killers have a fun little thing. I don't approve of serial killers, but I think if you're gonna kill a bunch of people, you might as well have some fun with it.
Shane: Wait, he hit 'em with the axe and then cut their throats?
Ryan: I don't know.
Shane: It also could've been, since it was his first one he was figuring out if he was gonna be -
Ryan: Oh, he was dabbling in different things?
Shane: He was like "either I'll be the Axeman, or the Razor Boy". Razor Boy would be a good sidekick for him.
Ryan: Razor Boy is not -
Shane: Axeman and Razor Boy?
Ryan: Axeman, I think, strikes a little bit more fear into my heart than Razor Boy.
Shane: "Lock your doors, Razor Boy's out tonight".
Ryan: Boca did not regain his memory, likely due to the blows to the head.
Shane: Yeah, that'll do it.
Ryan: Yeah, that usually does it. I once fell into a pile of bricks when I was a kid.
Shane: What?
Ryan: And I don't remember much of it after that.
Shane: What?!
Ryan: Yeah, I was climbing, 'cause we were playing hide-and-seek, I was trying to hide and I thought I had the best hiding spot, turns out I was wrong, the branch broke and I just fell.
Shane: This explains a lot.
Ryan: And after that I could see ghosts.
Ryan: Esther saw two figures in the bedroom, but could not identify them as they fled the scene. By the way, two figures.
Shane: Razor Boy!
Ryan: (laughing) Oh my god, no.
Shane: He's back! He's back from boarding school!
Ryan: Almost all of the Axeman's victims were Italians.
Shane: This guy's a racist?!
Ryan: Most of them were Italian grocers.
Shane: Whoa, fuck this guy.
Ryan: This what made you turn?
Shane: If there's already the basis that he's gonna be killing, I do not approve of that, but if he's gonna do it, then at least do it randomly.
Ryan: I think, just, how about don't kill people?
Shane: Look, Ryan, what are we here for?

The Mysterious Death Of The Boy In The Box[edit]

Ryan: So he rented a place to this guy who sold his son.
Shane: He sold his son?!
Ryan: Which is weird because unless he was there to actually see the sale go down, that's not something you really tell somebody in passing.
Shane: I know, "well the place is beautiful, I'm selling my son tomorrow, I'll take it, how much is it?"
Ryan: "How many bedrooms, won't need one of them".
Shane: "Sixty bucks, can you believe it? How much is rent again?"

The Bizarre Road Trip Of A Missing Family[edit]

Shane: How scary is it? You just lock your door, you're in a car, drive away, that's not that scary. And then, you know, if the doors don't work and he starts breaking a window, then guess what, time to die. And that's a bummer. But see, at that point it's like "oh I'm dead, I guess I don't have anything else to worry about".
Ryan: So at what point does the fear come in for you?
Shane: About when the life is draining out of my body.

The Creepy Murder In Room 1046[edit]

Ryan: The maid, Mary Soptic -
Shane: (laughs) What's her name?
Ryan: Oh god, I know what you're... She's a maid, her name is "Soap"-tic, hahaha. What a funny big laugh you got out of that. Yeah, look how happy you are. Oh man, what a gem of comedy we've made here today.
Shane: It seems like everyone kept checking in to be like "let's make sure nothing horrible is happening here... oh, seems like it might be, we'll give it another hour". Then an hour later "okay, yup, everything's horrible".
Ryan: "This murder's not ripe yet".
Ryan: He explained "I fell against the bathtub".
Shane: Hell of a fall.
Ryan: (laughs) I know. So, in this scenario, he falls against the bathtub, rolls over into the bed, and then starts bouncing up and down so the blood splatter goes onto the ceiling and walls.
Shane: Yeah, and probably bouncing on the bed so hard he hits the ceiling a few times and breaks all his bones.
Shane: Yeah, I'm just gonna start sending flowers to people's funerals and say "love forever, Louise".
Ryan: You should just say "love forever, Shane", and a picture of yourself.
Shane: But then people are gonna ask me questions like "why'd you do that?", and I'd say "eh, it's a funny joke", and they'd say "this is a funeral, you know?"
Shane: Is it weird back then that you could just pretend to be someone?
Ryan: You could still do that today. I bet you I could check into a hotel right now and say my name is, uh, Ricky Goldsworth.
Shane: But then they're gonna say "do you have a credit card, sir?"
Ryan: And I'll be like, "oh yeah, this is my friend... it's just a deposit right, you're not gonna charge -
Shane: That's not gonna fly, they're gonna put handcuffs on you right away. Where'd you grow up, Ricky Goldsworth?
Ryan: Oh, I grew up down the road
Shane: No, what city?
Ryan: Oh, New York City.
Shane: You grew up in New York City?
Ryan: This is happening in New York now.
Shane: What's your mother's name, Ricky Goldsworth?
Ryan: Lucy Goldsworth.
Shane: What's her maiden name?
Ryan: ...Lucy Gold.
[They both laugh]
Shane: See? Crumbling.
Ryan: Well, I wouldn't stumble like that. I'd have a prepared response.
Shane: You'd be firing 'em off?
Ryan: I'd be firing 'em off and I'd be like, "what's the fucking holdup? I'm trying to check into a room, and you're giving me a goddamn inquisition? Is this how you treat all your customers? Who do you think you are?"
Shane: All right, that's fair. At this point, I'm giving you a room. You win. You win, Ricky.
Shane: I'm gonna start using it.
Ryan: "A pauper's grave"?
Shane: Well, just "a pauper's" as sort of a descriptive. Like, if I get a subpar salad. "I will not eat this pauper's salad".
Ryan: Or if you get like a hotel room that just has a view on the parking lot or the freeway. "I'm not gonna sit in this pauper's hotel room".
Shane: "Front desk? Yes. I will not accept this pauper's view."
Ryan: "This is Ricky Goldsworth, you know what the deal is. Do you want me to come down there again? Didn't think so."

The Disturbing Murders at Keddie Cabin[edit]

Ryan: I mean, they could've been in there telling ghost stories, you know how kids do, pillow talk, stuff like that.
Shane: That's not what pillow talk is, I don't think.
Ryan: That's what it was for me, telling ghost stories. Pillow talk could either mean something you do after sex or it could -
Shane: Yeah, I think that's what that is.
Ryan: Or it could mean what's like a sleepover talk.
Shane: Do you tell ghost stories after sex?
Ryan: That's for me and my girlfriend to know.
Shane: You see someone run through the forest covered in blood, you're not gonna bat an eye. You'll probably just be like, "as you were".
Ryan: That's not how the forest works.
Shane: You see someone in the forest covered in blood, you're gonna be like "excuse me, sir, why are you covered in blood?"
Ryan: Well I'm not gonna stop him but maybe I'll, like, take a good look at what he looks like. For the police, that sort of thing.
Shane: I'll just let 'em mind their own.
Ryan: Okay, good, I'm glad to know that you would be the worst crime scene witness of all time.
Ryan: At this point the entire town is a suspect. You would imagine they're all closely knitted friends.
Shane: Well I don't think they're great friends.
Ryan: Well obviously 'cause someone murdered the other people.
Shane: That's right, that's what I'm getting at.
Ryan: I mean some of them must be friends, others would like to plunge knives into each other.
Shane: 70's and 80's police were always just like, "oh, you murdered someone? You got 40 bucks?"
Ryan: This is just baffling to me. It looks like they saw anything that was remotely possible of helping them solve the case, they're like, "box it up, put it in a corner. That requires real work".
Shane: They have to put this thing to rest and probably, you know, right the wrongs, bring people to justice. I guess that's technically their job.
Ryan: Yeah, that's what they get paid to do.
Shane: Could you imagine how much goddamn paperwork is involved in that? So much.
Ryan: (laughs) Holy shit. You gotta do your job, man.
Shane: You gotta do your job. Ten percent of your population was just murdered. Time to look into that one.
Ryan: Apparently, Marty had confessed to the murderes in a session. The therapist reportedly told Gamberg that even he was surprised that the investigators at the time of the murders hadn't used that confession against Marty.
Shane: Here's a question: So, you're a therapist, someone comes to you, "oh, I got some troubles". Oh yeah, like what?" "Well, I murdered four people". "Okay, well I'll see you next week". Take a little drive, go to the police station, "hey, quick note, this guy said he murdered four people in your town", police go "okay". You drive back to Reno and then you don't hear anything else about it... You're done? That's it?
Ryan: Think of it this way, if you told someone so point blank that that happened, and they did nothing, do you really think you're going to go back and follow up? 'Cause if the police don't give a shit, in my mind, oh hey, maybe the police were involved. Maybe I shouldn't go back and be like "hey, you boys should start doing your jobs. You should start..." (imitates being choked)

The Suspicious Assassination of JFK[edit]

Ryan: Secret Service agents sent in advance to check out the route noted that there were over 20,000 windows overlooking the route. But since they didn't have enough men to station at every window, they opted to inspect none of the windows along the route.
Shane: (laughs) Not a good alternative.
Ryan: (laughs) I know. "It's far too many. Eh, fuck it. You know what, we'll just call it a day."
Shane: "We don't have enough guys to look at all these windows. What if we just don't do shit? Sounds like a good idea."
Ryan: "But sir, the president's gonna be coming to town." "Eh, he won't care."
Shane: "What are they gonna do, shoot 'em?"
Shane: I know people want to figure this out, and that people wanted justice, but it just seems like a lot of work.
Ryan: Have I not made great points here, though?
Shane: Yeah, you have, but it's like, I don't know, it's not gonna bring him back to life. It's not gonna put his head back together.
Ryan: Well, wouldn't you like to know what happened? Do you really want to go on the rest of your life thinking it was the sole actions of a madman and not a larger part of a conspiracy or a bigger thing?
Shane: I'm content with that, I guess. Here's the thing, if it was a conspiracy, if it was a secretive group operating, they did a great job. I commend them. Hey, you fooled us.

Season 3[edit]

The Grisly Murders Of Jack The Ripper[edit]

Ryan: You don't find it strange that a grown man is dressing up as Jack the Ripper for fun? No holiday.
Shane: This just feels like, you know, when people shame furries. Just let 'em live their life. If they wanna dress up like a pony -
Ryan: Okay, this is the furthest thing from a furry. A furry is just dressing up as, like, a furry creature because you have a sexual thing.
Shane: Why are they so muscular all the time?
Ryan: I don't care about that. Dressing up as a furry animal is a far cry from dressing up as a serial killer. It's fucking weird.
Shane: It's like a horse with pecs, right?
Ryan: I think you're getting lost in the furry culture.
Ryan: By the way, anybody could sketch anybody. Like, that means if I drew a sketch of you murdering somebody back in the day, I could show up to the police station and be like, here it is. Here is evidence that Shane Madej, in cold blood, killed this woman dressed as a furry.
Shane: But I feel like you would do that.
Ryan: And they'd be like, "you're right, we've had a lot of reports that Shane Madej is in fact a furry".
Shane: Slap the cuffs on those hooves.

The Thrilling Gardner Museum Heist[edit]

Shane: I'm going to head down that road of having a room that's full of bugs and butterflies, and I want it to look like -
Ryan: Like a serial killer's den?
Shane: Yes, but sort of like a well-traveled serial killer.
Shane: Hey, look. Steal from the rich. Do it.

The Ghastly Cleveland Torso Murders[edit]

Shane: Nowadays, I've said this before, but we have a lot of entertainment at our disposal. I've got YouTube, I've got my Playstation, and pretty much that's it. But back then, not a lot to amuse yourself with, so I would for sure, every night of the week, be down at a bar, a gambling den, or a brothel.
Ryan: So this is part of the recurring theme that you've had throughout the show, where if there weren't modern devices, you'd be -
Shane: I'd be a monster.
Ryan: On September 23rd, 1935, the second victim, a 28 year old man named Edward Andrassy, was found near Kingsbury Run, at the base of Jackass Hill.
Shane: (laughs)
Ryan: That's actually what that's named. I know that was gonna elicit some kind of giggle. So just get it out of the way.
Shane: Sucks. It sucks. It sucks to die like that.
Ryan: At the base of Jackass Hill?
Shane: Yeah. "Where'd they find him?" "Oh, the base of Jackass Hill." That's not fun.
Ryan: I'm sure they omitted that out of the eulogy.

The Enigmatic Death of the Isdal Woman[edit]

Ryan: [She] had a strange odor to her that Rordvedt would realize years later was garlic.
Shane: Why does it take him years to remember what garlic smells like? [...] I smell garlic, I jump up 'cause it always... It smells good when you smell it coming from a kitchen, when you smell it on someone who's just eaten garlic, it's a bit, uhm, funkier. So she just went to chow town on some b-sticks?
Ryan: Yeah. And then decided "let me go pick up some boots".
Shane: "Breadsticks, boots, burning myself alive".
Ryan: The teeth, hilariously, were rumored to have been thrown away because they smelled.
Shane: Ah, smelly teeth.
Ryan: That's an unsolved classic right there. Let's take the evidence, let's throw it away, because I don't like it, yeah.
Shane: They found the teeth?
Ryan: Yeah, they found everything in a remote warehouse in a hospital.
Shane: Next to the Ark of the Covenant?
Ryan: (laughs) Yeah, next to the Ark of the Covenant, and to the cup of Christ.
Shane: What the hell kind of warehouse is this?

The Strange Killing of Ken Rex McElroy[edit]

Shane: I love Missouri! I saw a mosquito there that was almost the size of a bird.
Ryan: That doesn't seem like something pleasant.
Shane: It was almost so big that it couldn't really move around too much. It was not a burden. It's a beautiful state.
Ryan: A lot to unpack there. I think we'll just move forward.
Shane: He's Icarus, baby.
Ryan: He is Icarus. And guess what? This bad boy is about to fly towards the sun. Soon after he was released, McElroy, bizarrely, was spotted with a rifle and bayonet at the town's local bar, D and G Tavern, where he was allegedly making graphic threats about murdering Bo Bowenkamp.
Shane: So, this isn't Icarus flying too close to the sun.
Ryan: He's flying into the sun.
Shane: Yeah, this is Icarus turning 90 degrees, looking at the sun, and playing chicken with it.

Season 4[edit]

The Bizarre Collar Bomb Bank Robbery[edit]

Ryan: Wells walked out of the bank sucking on a Dum-Dum he took from the bank counter -
Shane: That's pretty fucking baller.
Ryan: ...and took off in his car.
Shane: Who knows what state of mind he's in, if he's like, "this is it, I only got 8k, I'm going out with a dum dum in my gullet, baby".
Shane: If you want someone to go to an inconspicuous location, don't go to a McDonald's flower bed. You loiter around a drive-through, people start yelling at you. Not that I've done that, but...
Ryan: He claimed the body was there because he was storing it as a "favor for a friend".
Shane: Big favor. That's a big ask.
Ryan: Yeah, I don't think I could call any of my friends and be like "hey man -"
Shane: "Remember that time I helped you move that couch? Gonna call one in."
Ryan: "This is kinda like that except instead of a couch, it's a dead person."
Ryan: He called the police once Marjorie suggested that Rothstein put the rest of Roden's body in an ice grinder.
Shane: Too much. Yup.
Ryan: That was it. She stepped over the line, man. Either way, I love that this guy has this odd moral compass where it comes to like, hiding the body's fine, the next step is chopping the body up, he can't do that.
Shane: I imagine her talking to him on the phone and just suggesting, like, "while we're on the horn here, do you mind taking that body and putting it through the ice grinder?" Then just a beat of silence and he just kind of sighs. And she's like, "oh shit, fuck, what was I thinking?"
Ryan: Yeah, one too many. Damn it, Marjorie.
Ryan: My friend went to New Orleans recently. And she was like, "oh, I'd love to buy a house here". And one of the signs said "For Sale", and under that sign was a big red sign that said "Not Haunted".
Shane: Oh, that house is... I don't believe in ghosts, but I believe that that house is haunted.
Ryan: Her first husband hung himself and her second died after hitting his head at home on a coffee table.
Shane: I mean, she's obviously an evil person. But just to live a life that's so fraught with chaos, sounds stressful.
Ryan: But also, this person needs to be eradicated from normal society.
Shane: We should separate her.
Ryan: Yeah, for sure. We should put her over there.
Shane: Find a spot for her, where she can no longer get married to people.
Ryan: Because it's obviously a fatal thing.
Ryan: Maybe he even said something like, "hey, that bomb looks pretty real, guys!", and they all kinda didn't laugh when he started chuckling and he was like, "uh oh".
Shane: I guess you get what you pay for. If you're hanging out with people who all agree that maybe it's a good idea for you to wear a fake bomb and and rob a bank, you can't be outraged when they put a real one on ya.

The Mysterious Death Of The Eight Day Bride[edit]

Ryan: The police report claims that there were signs and evidence that Christina was very distressed by the "unnatural conduct of her husband and Barrie".
Shane: Wait a minute... were they smoochin'?
Ryan: Maybe. I did mention a love triangle up top.
Shane: A love triangle...
Ryan: You were just thinking of a love triangle with Ronald and Christina, not -
Shane: I was doing some heteronormative bullshit.
Ryan: You were. Unbelievable.
Shane: I apologize.

The Incredible Alcatraz Prison Break[edit]

Shane: This goes back to my thinking that prison, maybe back then or maybe in this particular prison, didn't seem so bad. You just put in a request? And they're like, "oh, you wanna move? You wanna be with your pals? Yeah, sure." They should've just asked to leave.
Ryan: This prison allowed an hour, I think it was called happy hour, where the inmates would -
Shane: Everybody gets margaritas?
Ryan: No one gets margaritas.
Ryan: The case is expected to remain open with federal marshals until either the fugitives are arrested, evidence of their deaths is found, or the fugitives reach 99 years of age. [...]
Shane: I tell you what, on my 99th birthday, I'd be walking into the U.S. Marshals office and just be like, "fuck you guys".
Ryan: Your grandson wheels you in in a wheelchair and you're just, sunglasses on, just -
Shane: "Fuck you coppers".
Ryan: "It's me, I was drinking caipirinhas for the last 30 years. Suck it, coppers." And then you just die in your wheelchair.

The Covert Poisoning of an Ex-Russian Spy[edit]

Shane: I'm an adult but sometimes -
Ryan: Why did you start your sentence off with that?
Shane: I am an adult -
Ryan: You said it in a weird way with a weird cadence. Like you don't believe it.
Shane: I am an adult but sometimes I have the mind of a child and I think you can relate to that, because the whole time I'm hearing this, I don't understand how radiation poisoning works. I don't know what you're envisioning here. I am envisioning essentially a green glow stick.
Ryan: Yeah, me too, or you're envisioning, like, the case that Doc Brown opens in Back to the Future.
Shane: Yeah, just glowing green, like them pouring the tea and just a glowing green tea that he's drinking.
Ryan: I imagine it's not like that.
Shane: No, probably not.
Shane: Are we going to be poisoned for doing this episode?
Ryan: Possibly.
Shane: I'm a little concerned.
Ryan: Yeah, yeah, I think we're gonna die.
Shane: Okay. I mean, we will.
Ryan: We're gonna die eventually. You maybe sooner than others.
Ryan: It doesn't look good when you award one of the main suspects a medal for "services to the fatherland".
Shane: I mean, what else did he do? Did he do anything else notable? He didn't, like, build a nice gazebo somewhere or something?
Ryan: If you're watching this, Putin, you know, I'm just reporting what's already been reported here, so you're really just killing the messenger if you kill me.
Shane: You got bigger fish to fry.
Ryan: Really, if you're concerned about us two, your list must not be that impressive.

Season 5[edit]

The Eerie Case Of The Watcher[edit]

Shane: I want to give him creep points for this very fun old-timey threat of "I'm going to steal your children". He's like the Wicked Witch.
Ryan: He's making himself into a caricature of a villain for sure.
Ryan: Well, this is kinda like when you buy a house and they didn't disclose to you before that either there were grisly murders inside of it or it's maybe haunted, and now you're having your chairs stacked up on tables without you doing it.
Shane: This isn't something that the realtor, like, if there's been a death they have to mention, they're not gonna be like, "it's beautiful, it's two-and-a-half bathrooms, three bedrooms, there's a watcher, and a beautiful pool in the back".
Ryan: He's really just shooting them out there. He's casting a wide net and hoping one of them sticks, so that he could be like, if any of those things happens, he's gonna be like "all me".
Shane: "Watcher, baby".
Ryan: "Orchestrated by the Watcher".
Shane: They're like walking down the street, they, like, kinda trip on the sidewalk, and he's like "yes, all hail the Watcher!"
Ryan: Run out of cooking oil? Watcher.
Shane: Mosquito bite? "All hail the Watcher".
Ryan: Oh, you just took a little poopie and you don't have any more toilet paper? Watcher, sorry.
Ryan: If people judged you, for instance, off of how you play video games, I'm sure they'd have you behind bars pronto, right?
Shane: I don't know what you're implying here.
Ryan: We did murder characters.
Shane: Everybody murders characters on The Sims.
Ryan: They were characters based off real people, our co-workers in fact.
Shane: Oh, little Steven Lim?
Ryan: Steven Lim, The Try Guys, we murdered them all.
Shane: (laughs) Yeah, we did.

The Unusual Australian Shark Arm Murders[edit]

Ryan: Inherently any case that's titled The Shark Arm Case, there's gonna be some fun to be had down the road.
Shane: Yeah, because I'm no marine biologist, but sharks don't have arms.

The Suspicious Case of the Reykjavik Confessions[edit]

Shane: Let me tell you something about Iceland. One morning we got up to go on a beautiful kayak trip. The woman who drove us to the kayak thing, we were talking about just the way things go there, and she said "you know, we don't have a lot of crime here. About once a year we will do a murder".
[Ryan bursts out in laughter]
Shane: And I was like, okay, I know you're not implying that the whole country gets together and picks one person like The Lottery and decides to sacrifice them -
Ryan: Was that the verbiage she used?
Shane: She said "we will do a murder"
Ryan: In order to support his new family, Saevar's plan was to smuggle cannabis into Iceland. Perhaps consequently, Erla decided the two should live apart.
[They both laugh]
Shane: "I'm gonna provide for this family with some of that sticky, sticky green stuff". [...] "Gonna turn Iceland into Greenland, baby".
Ryan: The police had developed an unfortunate habit of throwing their suspects in solitary confinement anytime they needed to solicit a confession in this criminal case.
[...]
Shane: Pretty much everyone I met in Iceland was so kind and so polite. I just imagine the most polite people in the world doing this and being like "well, we figured out that if you put them in that room, you know, they tell you the truth after, like, a month or two, so I guess maybe we'll just keep doing that".
Shane: Usually, it seems, when they try to force a confession like this, it's like, they maybe may not reveal they got someone locked up, dunking their head in a bucket.
Ryan: Yeah.
Shane: They seem pretty proud of themselves.
Shane: You've got this young detective sitting there. He's probably like "hey, you know, that guy's been in that room for seven hundred days".
Ryan: "Maybe that's not the best practice that we should be engaging in".
Shane: "Yeah, we wanna maybe think about what we're doing here, folks? Oh, no? No? Okay, well, I'm gonna write a book about this".
Ryan: Did you buy the rubber sheets? I'm actually -
Shane: No, I didn't buy the rubber sheets! Who would do that?
Ryan: Apparently you, 'cause you're getting pretty touchy about it, which makes me feel like... You know what, why don't you go stand in that room for ten days and then I'll ask you about the rubber sheets. How about that?
Shane: In Iceland, big open fields where I don't think people are walking on the reg. So, you get a body out there, decomposes, nobody knows.
Ryan: Yeah, I'm booking my ticket to Iceland right now, you've sold me.
Shane: You gotta check it out, man.
Ryan: I wasn't on board until you got to the decomposing body in an open field, but after that...

The Curious Death Of Vincent Van Gogh[edit]

Shane: (imitating van Gogh) "Suicide is wrong! I do not understand it! It'd be pretty baller to drown!"

Season 6[edit]

The Macabre Death Of Edgar Allan Poe[edit]

Ryan: Poe had fallen in love with a girl named Virginia. Grossly, Virginia was his cousin. Even grossly-er, Virginia was half his age. Despite these circumstances, Poe and Virginia married in Richmond in 1835 when Poe was 27 and Virginia was 13.
Shane: Can I say?
Ryan: Yeah.
Shane: Can't be doing that.
Ryan: You know, obviously, but it is a thing of the times.
Shane: You can't be doing that.
Ryan: I mean, you see what I'm saying though, right?
Shane: It's very easy to condemn from our vantage point in history, and so we do condemn, wholeheartedly!

The Tinseltown Murder Of Thelma Todd[edit]

Ryan: Look, when I've been drunk at the end of a night, I've done some funny things to get into, like, my bedroom if I forgot my key. But even still, I don't think I would be capable of doing that while still looking intact, for the most part.
Shane: You make strange decisions. One night I was very cold, I slept in my trunk.
Ryan: One night I was very cold and I slept outside the front door.
Shane: Like a little dog.
Ryan: Like a little dog.
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