You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Okay, enough is enough! You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control! As of right now, you are all grounded.
What's grounded? I'll tell you what grounded is, except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your chores, you do your homework, you go to bed, and that's it!
Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break!
(On the phone trying to get a babysitter) How many? Well, when you get over here we can just count 'em up! (Next call) How many kids do I have? Twelve. But one doesn't live with me, and one you never see 'cause he's so mad! (Next call) Just... just... just twelve. (Next call) Hello! I'll just hang up on myself.
If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.
I guess you could say that when Tom and I left Midland we had a mess of theories about how to raise children. We still have a mess of children, but no theories. Sure, 12 is still our number. It's the number of months my book was on the bestseller list. It's the number of job offers Tom turned down before we found one close to home. And each day it's the number of times I'm thankful there's such a thing as family.
Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.
Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with your food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist appointment at 3:00, so you're going to work with Dad.
Nigel and Kyle: Yeah! (yell)
Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?
Kate: Oh, no. We have 12.
Tom: I couldn't keep her off me.
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?
Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Charlie: Then I'm good.
Hank: It's getting so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi...
Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi?
Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and they get their shot.
Mark: Have you seen my frog, Dad?
Tom: Sorry, Charlie... er, Nigel... Kyle.
Mark: It's Mark.
Tom: I knew that.
Jake: Dude two words: need new skates.
Kate: Dude three words: Paper route. (computer receives a message. Reads Nora's message) "Hi, can't make dinner. Hank and I are moving into our new apartment. Love, Nora."
Mark: Have you seen Beans, Mom?
Nora: Oh, honey, they were just welcoming you into the family.
Hank: They just set me on fire.
Nora: Just your pants.
Hank: Sure, last time, it was my pants, but what if next time it's my face? This is how I get the jobs!
Tom: (On the phone) Hello, my name is Tom Baker and I would like to hire a house-keeper...I have twelve children. (Pause) Actually I am serious. (Later calling another housekeeper) Just twelve...(Different call) Twelve...(Calling another babysitter) There is only two...uh...plus ten. (Another call) Well, there's twelve but one does not live with me and another you won't see often because he is so mad! (Another call) How many kids? Well how about when you get here let's count them up? (Later) UHH...A dozen?! (He scratches off about 25 babysitting businesses and hangs his phone up about 10 times; later on a call) Just...just twelve. (Another call) Hello? I'll just hang up on myself...(He angrily hangs up his phone and bows his head in frustration)
Tom: (Madly) All right, enough is enough! You're slacking on your chores, you're fighting at school, things are out of control! As of this moment, you are all grounded!
Mike: What's grounded?
Tom: What's grounded?! I'll tell you what grounded is... Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's IT!!
Sarah: But that--
Tom: (Sarcastically) Oh yes, Sarah, I know, that sucks, but that's the way it is!
Jake: Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?
Tom: That's exactly what it means!
Kim: But we bought his presents already!
Tom: YOU ARE GOING TO MISS IT!!! (The kids groan in sadness) Now, go to bed!
Sarah:[After knocking on the door to tell the other children the plan] I'm going to Dylan's birthday party. Who's with me?
The Baker Kids: Yeah!
(The children climb out of the window and bring presents to Dylan to enter the party without Tom noticing that they climbed out of the window and went to Dylan's birthday party)
Tina: Hi...oh! (the Baker kids gave each present to Tina)
Mark: Brazilian Mud Viper. She gets one live rat a week. (gives it to Tina).
Jake: Hey, Dylan. Wanna play catch with the football I got you?
Dylan: Uh, my nanny'd have to check with my dad... who'd have to check with my mom who would say it was an inappropriate use of free time.
Jake: Hmm. Sounds like a yes to me. Go get it, Mike.
(Mike runs to the present counter to get Jake's present, which knocks the snake that was in Mark's present)
Tom:(shocked to see that his kids snuck out and went to Dylan's Birthday Party and begins to tell the football players) Get my kids and meet me at the house. Ready? Break!
(The football players begin to catch one of the Baker kids and Tom sees Sarah in the bounce house)
Tom: Sarah Baker! Off now!
Sarah: No way!
Tom: Don't make me come up there!
(Sarah becomes shocked about her father trying to catch her in the bounce house and Tom goes into the bounce house to catch her, but ends up failing to catch her and the football players knock someone with an air tank and the air tank presses on the bounce house, causing it to over-inflate. Tom realizes the bounce house is about to explode)
Person in the bounce house: Oh, my God! It's gonna blow!
(The bounce house explodes as Tom, Sarah and the other people are launched into the air. The football players catch Sarah and the other kids. Dylan sees Tom falling towards him and screams and Tom lands on him and breaks several of his bones. Cut to Dylan being carried on a gurney at the hospital, with a black eye, chipped tooth and broken arm)
Dylan: It was my best birthday ever, Coach.
Tina:(angrily) Your children are never playing with Dylan again!
Tom: Sorry about your arm, Dylan.
(As Tina and Dylan head to the Hospital room and leave Tom, Tom hears his cell phone and gets a call from Shake)
Tom: Hello, Shake.
Shake: Any idea what this could do to my program? Don't speak. Listen. I don't want the players at your house, and I don't want your kids in the department.
(Tom turns off his cell phone and becomes depressed and sees the Newspeople)
Newsman: There he is! Coach! Coach! How will this impact Saturday's game? Coach, what do you have to say to reports that you're simply spreading yourself too thin?
Nigel: Come on, Dad, don't hide in the closet!
Kyle: Take it like a MAN!
[The twins smash an axe through the closet door]
Tom: I'd just hate to break that up.
Mark: Mom, Beans is dead.
Sarah: Nobody cares about your stupid frog right now, FedEx, okay?
Mark: (Annoyed) Stop calling me that! (charges at her, causing the whole family to start a heated arguement)
Kate: Don't you dare call him that!
Tom: All right! Hey!
Kate: Stop! Stop!
Cameraman 1: What's the name of this segment again?
Cameraman 2: Uh, "One Big Happy Family"?
Cameraman 1: Okay, I'm calling Oprah's family right now.
Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable. It's like death or taxes.
Nora: Does that mean you don't want children?
Kate: Leave him alone!
Hank: Hello! Look at these-- They're monsters! Honey, you can't want this. That's why you're with me.
Tom: Nora! Come on! We need you down here!
Lorraine: You're stepping on me! You're messing my hair! Stop!
Kate: Nigel, get off your brother's head!
(Nora comes downstairs)
Mark: Get off me! Nobody cares about me!
Mark: Nobody cares about me!
Nora: (tries to comfort Mark) Mark, what's going on? (Mark runs upstairs in despair) Mark! Mark!