Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.
[to a classroom full of children on Career Day] Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
[singing] Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!
[to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock] Excuse me, el doctor! Hello...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?
Nancy: I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from Aisle 11.
Phil: The ones that are on special?
Nancy: Yes, and it came up blue!
Arlene: Why is she telling you this, Phil?
Phil: Because... because I'm her boss! And... we have a health plan!
Arlene: You son of a bitch, you screwed this little girl in my father's store?
Nancy: It was in his car! And I'm not a little girl, I'm 20.
Arlene: Get out of this house, you little whore....
Phil: Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.
Arlene: Fine. I'll tell my father what you did!
Phil: No, do not call Mr Levine! Hey! Put down that phone...
[struggles to take the phone from her}
Arlene: You're crazy!
Phil: That's right - not having sex for 12 years will do that to a person!
[phone jack is torn from the wall]
Mitch: My phone!
Arlene: [leaving the room] I'll call from the bedroom.
Phil: The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?
Arlene: [from the other room] I'm calling...
Phil: Go ahead, call him, I'm sure he's home! It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis, isn't it?
Arlene: I hate you!
Phil: I hate you more! If hate were people, I'd be China!
Mitch: [awkward pause] Let's bring out the cake! [to Nancy] Want some?
Barbara: Go ahead, go with Phil and Ed. Find your smile.
Mitch: What if I can't?
Barbara: [sighs] We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.
Mitch: I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.
Ed: What's wrong with it?
Mitch: Well, look at it; it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque.
Ed: I'm proud of what I do.
Phil: So is the President; he doesn't wear his picture on his suit.
Ben Jessup: Hi.
Mitch: [shakes Ben's hand] Hi, Mitch Robbins.
Ed: I'm Ed Furillo; I sell sporting goods.
Mitch: Show him your jacket.
Phil: I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery; lost my job and my family.
Mitch: His jacket's being made.
Mitch: [to Phil] Feel like a schmuck?
Phil: Oh yeah, big schmuck; big schmuck!
Ed: This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed. A mustang. We're trained ponies. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while.
[Curly is approaching them from behind Mitch]
Mitch: Do us good? Didn't you guys see? He was hanging the help! Did you see his eyes? He's got crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! I am telling you, we are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic!
[Mitch notices everyone's terrified faces as Curly is standing directly behind him]
Mitch: He's behind me, isn't he?
Curly: Time to turn in.
Everyone, in unison: Goodnight!
[Mitch turns slowly to face Curly]
Mitch: [frightened] I'm sorry; I didn't mean anything by it!
Curly: I crap bigger than you.
[Curly turns and walks away]
Mitch: He's gonna kill me.
Mitch: So, what was your best day, Phil?
Phil: Believe it or not, my wedding day.
Ed: You're kidding!
Phil: No, seriously! Arlene looked great; those water pills really helped. I looked out and saw my old man sitting there, and he winked at me. It was like, I've made it. I'm not a goofball anymore.
Mitch: What was your worst day?
Phil: Every day since is a tie.
Mitch: Alright Ed, your best day, what was it? Twins in a trapeze, what?
Ed: No, I don't wanna play.
Mitch: C'mon, we did it.
Ed: I don't feel like it.
Mitch: Uh, okay.
[Ed pauses, then begins to speak]
Ed: I'm fourteen and my mother and father are fighting again. Y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him; this time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him; I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. Well, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day.
Phil: What was your worst day?
Ed: [brief pause] Same day.
[Mitch and Ed are watching Bonnie ride by on a horse; Ed is leering at her buttocks]
Ed: Man, that saddle sure is having a lot of fun.
Mitch: You have like a half track mind, don't you?
Ed: Oh, come on. Are you telling me you wouldn't like to screw her brains out?
Mitch: You know, that's such a lovely image - "screw her brains out." It ranks right up there with that other classic: "bang the shit out of her."
[Mitch, Ed, Phil and Bonnie are sitting on bedrolls discussing which is more interesting, women discussing relationships or men discussing baseball]
Ed: That's easy; we win.
Bonnie: [laughs incredulously] How can you say that?
Ed: Because honey, if that stuff were half as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum.
Curly: Pay attention, girls; we got strays!
Mitch: Hi Curly. Killed anybody today?
Curly: [smiling] Day ain't over yet.
[Mitch is alone by a campfire with Curly. After several moments of tense conversation, Mitch has produced a harmonica and is playing Drifting Along (With the Tumbling Tumbleweeds).]
Curly: Put that away.
[Mitch stops momentarily, then resumes playing.]
Curly: I said, put that away!
Mitch: Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me; which you're doing a good job... But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up; I'm on vacation.
Mitch: It's nothing to be ashamed of - I had the same problem.
Phil: Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel... inadequate?
Mitch: Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset.
Phil: O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good.
Mitch: O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3.
Phil: Yeah it does.
Mitch: No it doesn't.
Phil: It does!
Mitch: No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.
Phil: What... the TV or... or the machine?
Mitch: The TV.
Phil: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?
Mitch: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.
Phil: How would I see it?
Mitch: Well to see it you need a TV.
Ed: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it, please!
Phil: [to Mitch, after a brief pause] How do you do the clock?
Ed: [starts chasing Phil] You're dead! You are dead!
Mitch: You know what just occurred to me? Roping is stupid. This is a cow, not a gazelle, watch. Get off the horse, huh? Ok. And then you walk up to the cow. Look at how good this is working. Then you say "Hi. I'm Bob Vila with 'This Old Herd.' We're going to rope you today." Then you take Mr. Loop and put it around the head of Mr. Cow. [Mitch dismounts, walks up to the cow and puts the loop of lasso around its head] Now what's wrong with that?
[Curly whistles and the cow takes off running, dragging Mitch helplessly behind it]
Mitch: I'M ON VACATIOOOOOOOOOOOON!
Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is? [points index finger skyward] This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean shit.
Mitch: But, what is the "one thing?"
Curly: [smiles and points his finger at Mitch] That's what you have to find out.
[Curly has died of a heart attack. The remaining party has buried him in a shallow grave and is holding an impromptu memorial service]
Mitch: What can we say about Curly...
T.R.: Cookie, you knew him best; why don't you say somethin'?
Cookie: Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off. [the rest of the group balks] Well, what else do you want me to say? I got chicken burnin'!
Mitch: I'm gonna be okay, because I finally know what he was talking about.
Mitch: Curly. I know what he meant when he said there's just one thing that's really important.
Ed: So what is it?
Mitch: That's what you have to figure out.
Ed: [laughing] I'm gonna deck you, pal!
Mitch: No, that's it; it's something different for everyone. For me, when I was in that river, I was only thinking about one thing. The rest of it just all went away.
[Mitch's family has picked him up at the airport; he is hugging his children as Barbara walks up]
Mitch: Hey, look what I found! [points to his mouth and smiles broadly]
Barbara: Ooh, that looks nice. Where did you find that?
Mitch: [feigning exasperation] Colorado! Isn't it always in the last place you look?