Clifford (1994 film)

Clifford is a 1990 black comedy starring Martin Short, Charles Grodin, Mary Steenburgen, and Dabney Coleman. The plot revolves around Clifford, a ten year-old trouble maker who puts his Uncle Martin through hell if he doesn't take him to a theme park.

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Dialogue

[Clifford sticks his toy dinosaur up his father's nose, waking him up]

Julien: Ow-! Augh! Damn it, Clifford! Why did you wake me?

Clifford: I didn't wake you, Stefan did! WHY wouldn't you let him sleep?! But now that you are awake, I would like to ask you, my papa, when we land in Los Angeles, can we immediately go to Dinosaur World?

Julien: [instantly pissed off] How many times do I have to tell you, son?! The plane doesn't go to Los Angeles! It goes directly to Honolulu.

Clifford: But how can that be, pappy?

Julien: How can what be?

Clifford: That on my birthday, of all days, I could feel so close to Dinosaur World, yet it's so far away?

Julien: Don't you start with me! Your birthday was six months ago!

Theodora: [also waking up, completely stoned] Clifford...daddy's on a business- a business trip. And this is not a vacation. No.

Julien: So will you drop this whole Dinosaur World thing for five seconds, huh?! Will you do that for me?! Huh?! Will you?! Oh, boy! You're driving me crazy!

Clifford: Uh-oh! Look like daddy's gonna have a big stroke! [talking funny] And then he'll be talking like this.

Julien: Ooh, I swear to god--!

Theodora: CLIFFORD!!! Can't you stop for just a whole minute?!

Clifford: Whatever you say, sweet one who birthed me!

[Julien looks for Clifford at the airport after Clifford sabotoged their flight]

Julien: Where is that little monster?!

Theodora: Julien, please!

[He finds Clifford wearing a pair of headphones]

Julien: Well, you did it, didn't ya?! You did it again, didn't ya?! You're banned from the flight. They're not gonna allow you back on that plane, which means that I'm gonna miss the convention tomorrow, which means that I'm gonna lose thousands of dollars in speaker's fees! Do you understand me?! Do you understand what-where did you get that Walkman? Did you steal it? OH, MY GOD!!! Is there no end to your madness?!

Clifford: No-no, a tiny old priest gave it to me, da!

Julien: You're lying.

Clifford: No!

Julien: You're lying to your own father's face! I have every good right to leave you right here, you little animal!

Obese lady: What a terrible thing to say to such a sweet child!

Julien: I'm dreadfully sorry, Mrs. Extra wide load! What are you packing in now, huh?! About two dozen jelly doughnuts a day, huh?!

Uncle Martin: Bad boy, Clifford! BAD boy! I don't know what to say to you! I'm shocked! You could've given that child's parents a heart attack. If they press charges, you could end up in prison. And the wasted time, I happen to be very busy, young man! The entire city of Los Angeles is relying on ME for public transit! My boss is breathing down my neck. That was so embarrassing with Mr. Ellis! PLEASE don't ever tell someone that they have a nice wig!

Clifford: I said it was the bestest looking wig I ever saw. It was a complement.

Uncle Martin: He says he doesn't wear a wig, and a person doesn't take it as a complement if you say "nice wig."

Clifford: But I didn't say "nice wig," Uncle Martin, I said "bestest looking wig." I believe there is a difference.

Uncle Martin: How is it that you're such an authority on wigs?

Clifford: Because my teacher, Mr. Cavanaugh, wears a wig. He lets us play with it at recess sometimes.

Uncle Martin: You-your teacher lets you play with his wig?!

Clifford: Frisbee! (makes flying Frisbee motion with his hand) Mrs. Gathercold, the art teacher borrows it as well. That would be for different reasons.

Uncle Martin: Let's just forget about the wig! But I gotta punish you, and that means Dinosaur World is out.

Clifford: I don't understand.

Uncle Martin: I've got a bombshell for you, young man. I happen to be the boss in this house, and you cannot fight city hall.

Clifford: But surely, Uncle Martin, someone as wise and worldly as you would realize that breaking a little boy's promise and then punishing him for it, would be a terrible, terrible thing. I would imagine that little boy wouldn't be responsible for what he's gonna do next.

Uncle Martin: See, now that sounds like a threat to me and I don't like threats. So you're gonna spend the rest of your day in your room. Now YOU march, young man! March!

Sarah Davis: What are you doing spying on me like that?!

Uncle Martin: What am I doing? What are YOU doing?! What's with the necklace?

Sarah Davis: He didn't give this necklace to me, the whole company gave this to me, and anyway, I have no intention of actually keeping it! You are such a baby! You know, Clifford should be babysitting you!

Uncle Martin: Oh, no thanks! I'd prefer babysitters that aren't affiliated with the Manson family.

Sarah Davis: What are you talking about? Where is Clifford?

Uncle Martin: Oh, don't worry about Clifford! He'll be happy if you just give him a ton of sugar and a book about Hitler!

Sarah Davis: What's that supposed to mean?

Uncle Martin: I mean Clifford is responsible for me being here! He tricked me into coming to San Francisco!

Sarah Davis: Oh, come on, now! Why would he do that?

Uncle Martin: Why would he do that?! Because he wanted to throw a party! That's why he would do that! You don't know the first thing about Hitler-Clifford! He's a lying, conniving, evil little monster!

Sarah Davis: You see, Martin, that is the reason why you and I can never get married! If-if Clifford were your own son, you'll be talking about in the same way. It was all a big act, wasn't it? The-the special relationship with Clifford, the loving uncle. Well, let me tell you something, you're a phony! Believe me, I can spot a phony a mile away.

Drag Queen: Excuse me, honey, have you seen a great collie dog around here?

Sarah Davis: No, ma'am. I haven't. That's why I feel sorry for you, Martin. Because you're just going to end up one, very lonely old man.

Uncle Martin: Well, I feel sorry for you! (she sighs and walk away with door open and look to Martin) Don't think you won't age. (she walks away and door closes) Don't call me a lonely old man and a phony.