Col. Mustard: I prefer Kipling myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
Miss Scarlet: Sure, I'll eat anything.
Wadsworth: I'm merely a humble butler.
Col. Mustard: What exactly do you do?
Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
Wadsworth: So I see your work has not changed.
Mrs. Peacock: Yvette, is there a little girls' room in the hall?
Yvette: Oui, oui, madame.
Mrs. Peacock: No, I just I wanna powder my nose.
Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.
Col. Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
Mrs. White: I don't want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. A lunatic. He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
[after catching Mrs. Peacock in the second ending]
Wadsworth: You see, like the Mounties. We always get our man!
Mr. Green: Mrs. Peacock was a man?!
[Colonel Mustard and Wadsworth each slap him]
Wadsworth: Would anyone care for fruit or dessert?