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- I am going to be VERY fat, and YOU are gonna love it!
- Your sexy smile isn't gonna work this time.
- You bitch! Why didn't you just say a rum and Coke?!
- Everything ends badly, otherwise, it would never end.
- I am the world's last barman poet! I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make. America is getting stinking on something I stir or shake. The Sex On The Beach...the Schnapps made from peach! The Velvet Hammer...the Alabama Slammer! I make things with juice and froth, the Pink Squirrel...the 3 Toed Sloth. I make drinks so sweet and snazzy, the Iced Tea...the Kamakazi! The Orgasm...the Death Spasm. The Singapore Sling...the Ding a Ling. America you're just devoted to every flavor I've got, but if you want to get loaded...why don't you just order a shot! Bar's open!!
- If Jordan gives birth to a fine Irish son /There be Cocktails and Dreams for him one day to run /A business that shall yield a financial windfall ("It better!", Uncle Pat interjects followed by laughter from Brian)/To be franchised in every suburban shopping mall. /Now, if a daughter arrives to bless our clan /I guess the shit will certainly hit the fan/But this I shall promise to thee /I'll never let her marry a guy like me /Still if our child is the naughtiest of girls or the wildest of young men / I swear I'll be the best dad I can / And never ever get spooked again.
- Coglan's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool.
- The luck is gone, the brain is shot. But the liquor, we still got.
- Beer is for breakfast, 'drink or be gone.
- You see, there are two kinds of people in this world, the workers and the hustlers. The hustlers never work and the workers never hustle and you my friend, are a worker.
- Well you wait 'till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.
Anything else is always something better."
"A bartender is the aristocrat of the working class."
"A man will always be judged on the amount of alcohol he can consume. And a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not."
"Coughlin's Diet: Cocktails and dreams."
"Never tell tales about a woman, she'll hear you no mater how far away she is."
"Never show surprise, never lose your cool."
"There are two kinds of people in this world, the workers and the hustlers. The hustlers never work and the workers never hustle."
"The luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got."
"Bury the dead, they stink up the joint."
...And as for the rest of Coughlin's Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of Sh*t.
- Doug: You are in training my son.
- Brian: In training for what?
- Doug: For stardom. No matter how liberal this world may become, a man will always be judged on the amount of alcohol he can consume, and women will be impressed with it, whether they like it or not!