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- I am going to be VERY fat, and YOU are gonna love it!
- Your sexy smile isn't gonna work this time.
- You bitch! Why didn't you just say a rum and Coke?!
- Everything ends badly, otherwise, it would never end.
- I am the world's last barman poet! I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make. America is getting stinking on something I stir or shake. The Sex On The Beach...the Schnapps made from peach! The Velvet Hammer...the Alabama Slammer! I make things with juice and froth, the Pink Squirrel...the 3 Toed Sloth. I make drinks so sweet and snazzy, the Iced Tea...the Kamakazi! The Orgasm...the Death Spasm. The Singapore Sling...the Ding a Ling. America you're just devoted to every flavor I've got, but if you want to get loaded...why don't you just order a shot! Bar's open!!
- If Jordan gives birth to a fine Irish son /There be Cocktails and Dreams for him one day to run /A business that shall yield a financial windfall ("It better!", Uncle Pat interjects followed by laughter from Brian)/To be franchised in every suburban shopping mall. /Now, if a daughter arrives to bless our clan /I guess the shit will certainly hit the fan/But this I shall promise to thee /I'll never let her marry a guy like me /Still if our child is the naughtiest of girls or the wildest of young men / I swear I'll be the best dad I can / And never ever get spooked again.
- Coglan's Law: Never show surprise, never lose your cool.
- The luck is gone, the brain is shot. But the liquor, we still got.
- Beer is for breakfast, 'drink or be gone.
- You see, there are two kinds of people in this world, the workers and the hustlers. The hustlers never work and the workers never hustle and you my friend, are a worker.
- Well you wait 'till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.
- Doug: You are in training my son.
- Brian: In training for what?
- Doug: For stardom. No matter how liberal this world may become, a man will always be judged on the amount of alcohol he can consume, and women will be impressed with it, whether they like it or not!