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- I find you unacceptable! If I did not fear incarceration by human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient force to your blunt skull so as to cause its collapse!
- [to Ronnie] The frightening statistics of young earthlings mangling themselves in internal combustion vehicles on the night of prom ritual makes me insist that you use maximum safety awareness, return at the predesignated time coordinates, and, in fact, take my car. Its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted out shitbox.
- [to Connie, after coming back to Earth] It is not everyday a father can give the world to his child.
- [about waiting on his car repairs] Very well What choice do I have? It is as if you have seized me at the base of my snarglies!
- [about being stranded on Earth] When the High Master hears of this he will surely cut off my plargh and hand it to me.
- Maintain low tones with me, maintain low tones.
- If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great.
- You know Connie, I read in a magazine that you can talk to me about anything.
- [going into labour] My plubar has broken,....the birth spasm has begun.
- Highmaster: Let it be written... are you writing this?
- Ronnie: [seeing Connie eat] Whoa! My mother is the only one who could take a sandwich like that.
- Gorman Seedling: You just can't talk religion with some people!
- Beldar Conehead: AAAHHHH, SENSO RINGS! Where did you GET THOSE?!
- Connie Conehead: Under your bed?
- Beldar Conehead: UNACCEPTABLE! YOUR CONE IS TOO YOUNG! Get up! You are coming to Remulak RIGHT NOW!
- Connie Conehead: I am staying with Ronnie!
- Beldar Conehead: Maintain low tones. Impossible! Undesirable! Inadvisable!
- Otto: Beldar, you tryin to tell me you don't got a social security number?
- Beldar: Correct.
- Otto: Why not?
- Beldar: I am an illegal alien.
- Otto: I knew you were too good to be true! Every time I make some money, this happens!
- Eli Turnbull: Excuse me sir, but should they be in fact, creatures from another planet, isn't that the Air Force's responsibility?
- Gorman Seedling: If they're just visiting, sure... but the minute they try to work here, they're mine!
- Prymatt: Perhaps you and Larry will join us for the consumption of mass quantities this weekend. We will ignite our new flame pit and char some mammal flesh for you.
- Lisa: That sounds like fun. I'll make coleslaw.
- Prymatt: Ah, coleslaw. We will enjoy it.
- Beldar: You look handsome, yet uncomfortable in your pubescent ceremonial garb.
- Ronnie: Yeah... You mean my tux, right?
- Beladr: It is time for mid-day cessation of activities for carbo-protein intake.
- Otto: Yeah, sure. Take a lunch break.
- Beldar: An owner's manual to a Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable.
- Highmaster: Ford Lincoln Mercury Sable?
- Beldar: A personal conveyance named after its inventor, an assassinated ruler, a character from Greco-Roman myth and a small furry mammal.
- Highmaster: Ah.
- Gorman Seedling: Do you agree that the world is headed for a terrible calamity?
- Beldar Conehead: Most definitely. In fact, I have direct, personal knowledge that this is so.
- Eli Turnbull: Great, may we come in?
- Dan Aykroyd as Beldar Conehead / Donald R. DeCicco
- Jane Curtin as Prymaat Conehead / Mary Margaret Rowney
- Michelle Burke as Connie Conehead
- Michael McKean as Gorman Seedling, INS Agent
- David Spade as Eli Turnbull, Seedling's assistant
- Chris Farley as Ronnie Bradford, Connie's boyfriend
- Sinbad as Otto