- Brent: Want me to fill it up?
- Man: Sure. You know, I've never driven across Saskatchewan before.
- Brent: Well, you still haven't, really. About halfway to go yet.
- Man: Sure is flat.
- Brent: How do you mean?
- Man: You know, flat. Nothing to see.
- Brent: What do you mean, like topographically? Hey Hank, this guy says Saskatchewan is flat.
- Hank: How do you mean?
- Brent: Topographically, I guess. He says there's nothin' to see.
- Hank: There's lots to see. There's nothin' to block your view.
- Brent: There's lots to see. Nothin' to block your view. Like the mountains back there. They're uh... Well, what the hell? I could've sworn there was a big mountain range back there. Juttin' up into the sky all purple and majestic. I must be thinkin' of a postcard I saw or somethin'. Hey, it is kinda flat, thanks for pointin' that out.
- Man: You guys always this sarcastic?
- Brent: Nothin' else to do.
- Hank: There's freaky abstract art on the walls, and she put these weird cloths on the table.
- Brent: You mean tablecloths...
- Hank: It's too much. She's turned the coffee shop into a gay bar.
- Oscar: Who is?!
- Hank: Oh yeah, well, I got two words for ya. Boycott! I'm gonna put this place outta business.
- Brent: Hank if you had the power to put companies outta business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash?
- Wanda: Yeah and deodorant?
- Emma: Clean underwear.
- Brent: Books.
- Wanda: Pants that fit.
- Emma: Nail clippers.
- [Hank walks away.]
- Brent: Dandruff shampoo.
- Wanda: Uummm...dental floss.
- Emma: Toilet paper.
- Oscar: Pickup trucks.
- Emma: [groans]
- Brent: You don't know what we're doing, do you, Dad?
- Oscar: Shut up.
- Lacey: I mean, come on, a boycott? Look, I'm not clubbing baby seals and I'm not using Honduran children to make sneakers.
- Hank: You could be clubbing baby seals with Honduran children; I don't care about that!
- Oscar: [to Emma] Your son is turning the gas station into a movie theatre!
- Brent: Bear in mind that Dad has a tendency to overstate things.
- Oscar: I have never overstated a single thing in the history of the planet!
- Brent: Well, you're not in Toronto anymore, Lacey, with your grande-mocha-dappo-loppa-frappochinos! This is Saskatchewan! Tommy Douglas fought the federal government for free refills on coffee.
[Oscar surprises Hank while he is working on his truck]
- Hank: Jeez! Next time why don't you just throw a snake at me!
- [Lacey]: It's not pink... it's dusty rose.
- Brent: Well it's not just you. Dad's cranky, I saw him one time yell at a butterfly. Called it a 'sonofabitch', told it to get out of his garden.
- Marvin Drey the Taxman: I can appreciate that you don't wanna help me. I get that a lot, sometimes I get outright hostility, just because of my job.
- Brent: Well, no offence but I mean I can't just turn over my father. There's a bond between father and son that's strong and sacred.
- Oscar: Hey, idiot! You left the lid on the dumpster up last night! Crows have scattered garbage all over the place and I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it up. It'll be you out there on your hands and knees scrapin' up crow crap!
- Brent: I'll tell you whatever you need to know.
- Oscar: Davis just gave me a parking ticket. What's he trying to pull? My taxes pay his salary!
- Brent: Geez, Dad, you gotta stop paying everyone's salary. You're only one man.
- Oscar: Why'd you come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime.
- Marvin Drey the Taxman: We did call.
- Oscar: You did not!
- [Flashback; Oscar is on the phone.]
- Oscar: What'd you call me on the phone for?! My taxes paid for this call! You got something to say, you come here and say it in person. Get in the car, you ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention; I'll show you how it works sometime!
- [He slams the phone down.]
- Emma: Who was that?
- Oscar: I don't know, some jackass.
- Marvin Drey the Taxman: I just need to speak to your father to verify a few things.
- Brent: I don't think he's here. I think he went to Hawaii.
- Marvin Drey the Taxman: Hawaii?
- Brent: Not Hawaii. Somewhere cheaper than that. Red Deer.
- Wanda: Here's an obvious question. Have you even tried looking for the papers?
- Oscar: Here you go, jackass. Read 'em and weep!
- Marvin Drey the Taxman: Jackass?
- Brent: It's not just you. Remember the butterfly.
- Hank: Plan 'B'.
- Oscar: What the hell are you doing?! Those are the real papers! Jackass!
- Brent: See? It's not just you.
- Brent: No fear. You know where I read that?
- Lacey: Where?
- Brent: On the T-shirt of a kid working down at the co-op. He didn't let fear stand in his way. He stood there bravely bagging onions.
- Hank: I don't even want to get into your pants.
- Brent: And you're not going to with that kind of whining.
- Lacey: If I start a Pilates class, will you join?
- Brent: That depends.
- Lacey: On what?
- Brent: On what is Pilates?
- Lacey: Oh okay. Pilates is a method of unifying your mind and body...
- Brent: You lost me.
- Lacey: Oh, come on Brent. Don't you wanna unify your mind and body?
- Brent: No, I'm not gonna put all my eggs in one basket!
[Karen clocks a car with the radar gun.]
- Karen: He's going 120!
- Davis: Yep.
- Karen: Aren't you gonna pull him over?
- Davis: Nooo.
- Karen: Why not?
- Davis: I can't move right now.
- Emma: A child's mind is their strength and their weakness.
- Brent: You're like Yoda.
- Emma: I don't know what that means.
[A whispered conversation in the library.]
- Brent: Do you have any books about child psychology?
- Alice: About what?
- Brent: Child psychology.
- Alice: Chives on top of me?
- Brent: Yes, that's right, Alice. I want a book about chives on top of you.
[After Lacey gets hit with a toy car.]
- Brent: Hurts, don't it?
- Lacey: Why do they make cars out of metal? They should know that there’s a certain percentage of children that are evil.
- Oscar: Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?
- Emma: Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty. [holds up spoon]
- Oscar: Really? [Oscar snatches the spoon and cleans it]
- Davis: At least I'm not...
- Karen: Blonde? Thin? Pretty?
- Davis: I'm pretty...
- Hank: I stand by my work... had I done it.
- Davis: I was young and bored, thin and pretty.
- Wanda: What the hell happened?
- Davis: How much did it cost to get these pictures blown up?
- Karen: 'K, but look, the water tower's unmarked.
- Davis: You got 'em dry mounted, that's like twenty bucks each.
- Karen: Why would someone paint 'Grad 68' if it wasn't '68?
- Davis: I don't know but if you figure that out you'll be halfway to I don't give a damn.
- Karen: What we have to consider is who, and why.
- Davis: And... who cares.
World’s Biggest Thing
- Lacey: Yeah, Brent. Why don't you look Fitzy's grandma in the eye and give her one good reason this town can't build a great big dirty hoe.
- Oscar: I didn't know whether to tell you this or not, but someone in town has a crush on me.
- Emma: A crush...on you? You couldn't get a dog to lick you if you were covered in gravy.
- Oscar: What the hell are you talking about? Dogs lick me all the time.
- Emma: So who's got a crush on you? Is Helen Keller back in town?
- Brent: Are you all right, Dad? Did you get hit by a grain truck (smells Oscar) or a garbage truckm yeesh.
- Wes: World's biggest gopher.
- Hank: No, Stumpwood already has the world's biggest gopher.
- Lacey: Well how big is it?
- Hank: I don't know exactly, but its head's made of a Volkswagen.
- Lacey: That's a big gopher.
All My Ex's Live in Toronto
- Emma: You're going to the doctor.
- Oscar: Over my dead body!
- Emma: That'd speed things up.
- Karen: Do you know how fast you were going back there?
- Stephen: Uh, 97?
- Karen: Oh, that's a relief, radar gun's workin'.
- Emma: You're going to the doctor, Oscar, and that's the end of it.
- Brent: Yeah, that's the end of it. What are we talking about?
- Emma: Your father won't see a doctor.
- Oscar: He's just gonna poke and prod me because he can. I know it. They get you there so they can touch you all over the place.
- Brent: [sarcastically] Yeah, that's why most people go to med school: so they can feel up old men. [to Emma] You know, legally.
- Oscar: Plumbers in lab coats.
- Emma: You love plumbers.
- Oscar: There's no upside to me going to the doctor. I'm an old man. So what are they gonna tell me? The best-case scenario is they tell me I'm an old man.
- Brent: Dad--
- Oscar: He's just gonna make something up. Tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick and drop dead.
- Brent: You're confusing doctors and hypnotists. Dad, look, you're going to be around for a long time.
- Oscar: How can you be so sure?
- Brent: Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment.
- Oscar: A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's gonna get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town is gonna be saying how I can't get it--
- Brent: [disgusted] Dad!
- Emma: What's he talking about?
- Brent: Viagra.
- Emma: Oh, for pete's sake! Well, if you're going there anyway, you might as well ask.
- Brent: Agh, Mom!
- Hank: I was just gonna suggest a good old-fashioned beating. Or we put on the cloaks and pretend to sacrifice him for the crops, you know, scare him off.
- Mrs. Jensen: When your father ran the place, the customer was always respected.
- Oscar: Hey, jackass, stop talking to this old wingnut and come pump my gas!
- Brent: Well, he's a people person.
- Brent: Aw, did you have to use the scary Santa.
[Evil looking Santa cut-out is shown.]
- Brent: That thing gives me the heebee-Jojeebees.
- Wanda: What? It's festive.
- Brent: Yeah, the way human sacrifice is considered festive in some cultures.
- Wanda: If anyone wants to give Oscar $1.20 to shut up about the bottle thing, he's in the corner.
- Oscar: I'm a senior!
- Wanda: Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colours, red, green, flashing lights...
- Brent: So, old Christmas decorations.
- Wanda: Yeah!
- Brent: Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.
- Wanda: Okay.
[Emma and Brent are talking about Carl.]
- Emma: Well, Carl Jung says that we all have a shadow figure, a...a kind of nemesis. In fact I actually found mine.
- Brent: What'd you do?
- Emma: I married him.
[Oscar gives everyone a glass of his homemade liquor.]
- Brent: Jeez, Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crowsnest?
- Oscar: Ya sissy. It's like a Belgian beer
- Carl: Not the Belgium I've been to.
- Brent: I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?
- Emma: Brent!
- Lacey: You know what, I-I can't, I'm driving.
- Brent: Honest to God, Dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon.
- Davis: Do you think my new cell phone is small?
- Karen: I don't know.
- Davis: Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose, he had it out and I just glanced at it.
- Karen: Right.
- Davis: But mine is small right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone mine is small, smaller than average.
- Karen: I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works.
- Brent: No, Dad, I didn't lose it. ...How could I be talkin' to you on it if I had lost it?
- Lacey: Karen, I'm glad you're here. Look, we need to talk about the book club.
- Karen: I thought the first rule of book club was you don't talk about book club.
- Lacey: That's Fight Club.
- Karen: What do you know about Fight Club?
- Lacey: Right now we're reading Life of Pi.
- Hank: Oh, a detective novel.
- Lacy: What?
- Hank: You know, PI. Private investigator.
- Brent: I love books. I'm a voluptuous reader.
Hook, Line and Sinker
- Brent: It would never rain in Dog River if I could squeegee the sky...
- Brent: It's not childish. Hey, is poop face hyphenated?
- Karen: I can't believe you're sending me in without back-up.
- Davis: It's just a fishing trip, Karen.
- Karen: But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish.
- Davis: If it gets to you, you don't have to kill 'em, just throw 'em into the lake.
- Karen: I wasn't worried about the fish.
- Davis: I wasn't talking about the fish.
- Emma: Hey Brent. Where do you keep the canned pasta?
- Oscar: Not canned pasta, Alphaghetti! Her memory's going.
- Emma: I remember. You want Alphaghetti.
- Oscar: If you remember, then why did you bring home Dinoghetti?
- Emma: What difference does it make?
- Oscar: You can't spell with dinosaurs!
- Brent: The Alphaghetti's over by the-
- Oscar: I know where it is! I'm still playing with a full deck.
- Emma: I don't know why you insist on Alphaghetti, you won't even eat the Es.
- Oscar: Oh! Everyone knows you don't eat the Es!
- Emma: Then why are they in there?
- Oscar: Because they're in the alphabet. You'd know this, if your memory wasn't going.
- Emma: Come on Oscar. Let's go home, I'll make you some Alphaghetti.
- Oscar: I want the kind with dinosaurs!
- Karen: I didn't sleep with Hank!
- Brent: The sign! I just saw the sign!
- Lacey: What kind of sign? The sign of the times?
- Wanda: The first sign of trouble?
- Lacey: The sign of the apocalypse?
- Brent: No, and for the record, if I do see a sign of the apocalypse, I will say "The Sign is Nigh."
- Sign: COME FOR THE OIL CHANGE STAY FOR THE GREASE
- Brent: Hey, what do you think of my new slogan?
- Lacey: I'm changing the sign.
- Brent: Come on, it's a joke! People like that kind of thing. Plus, I was careful to choose a slogan where the letters couldn't be rearranged to spell anything embarrassing.
- Wanda: What slogan?
- Brent: "Come for the oil change, stay for the grease."
- Wanda: "Choose Glenn Frey for a ménage à trois."
[Later, as Brent writes out the slogans.]
- Wanda: Don't bother checking it, it's right. Another option would be: "My thighs are hot for goat felons."
- Davis: Uh... I came to use your skate sharpener.
- Oscar: Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.
- Davis: I heard we almost lost Brent.
- Oscar: What do you mean?
- Davis: The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.
- Oscar: They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?
- Karen: That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?
- Rocket Ronnie: Over-celebrating a bit for a tie, aren't we boys?
- Hank: You're just upset because you didn't win! You poor tie-ers!
- Brent: Yeah, sleep well tonight knowing you don't suck less than we do!
- Dog River Howler: Riverdogs almost win!
- Brent: They're frightened and confused by the weird newness.
- Lacey: They're ranklin' at the weird newness.
- Wanda: It's a premature! [meaning offside]
[Oscar and Emma have just pulled up to Corner Gas, and the car starts making weird sounds and smoking]
- Emma: Did you turn it off?
- Oscar: Yes I turned it off.
- Emma: I think it's having a seizure.
- Oscar: It's okay, the carb's just sucking on the fuel pump.
- Emma: I feel like we should shoot it.
- Oscar: I'll remember that when you start coughing.
- Emma: If I ever make sounds like this, I'll welcome the bullet.
I Love Lacey
- Davis: [after losing the Grey Cup tickets] Well, I'll have to go to a scalper.
- Karen: Isn't it weird for you to go to a scalper?
- Davis: Why? Because I'm a Cree man? I resent that!
- Karen: Because you're a police officer and scalping tickets is illegal.
- Davis: Oh yeah.
- Hank: Hey Oscar, does your friend Russell like to lie on the kitchen floor with a phone in his hand?
- Oscar: No.
- Hank: Then either this guy ain't Russell, or your friend Russell's dead.
- [Oscar runs over and sees Russell is dead.]
- Oscar: Told ya he was here.
The Brent Effect
- Karen: I know you're my senior officer, so I say this with all due respect: How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly!
- Davis: It wasn't willy-nilly. It was at crows.
- Emma: Your father's done a lot of stupid things in his time...
- Brent: You just realize that?
- Emma: ...But he's never stolen from me.
- Brent: Or you could have just said 'We lost the photos'....Mind you, that wouldn't have been as emotionally scarring.
- Oscar: Daisy arch? You'll never get me under one of those death traps.
- Emma: First of all I'd like to thank Davis. I don't know how you managed all this with the money we gave you. You'd think he spent half of next years police budget on our wedding.
- Davis: Haha heh heh heh ha.
Smell of Freedom
- [Fitzy and a woman accuse Brent of making fun of people.]
- Brent: I'm a monster? A monster with a game?
- Oscar: How'd you lose your sense of smell in the first place?
- Davis: I got hit in the face with a ball.
- Oscar: Then what you need to do is get hit with a ball again.
- Davis: I don't think that'll work.
- Oscar: Why not?
- Davis: Because this isn't Gilligan's Island.
- Davis: I feel strange. I smell burning toast
- Oscar: Oh, now the big guy's gonna have a seizure. Wait I smell it too.
- [Shot of Emma blowing a toaster with burning toast out the window]
- Emma: Damn thing.
- [Back to Oscar and Davis.]
- Davis: Do you know what this means.
- Oscar: I caught your epilepsy.
- Oscar: That dumb cat is stuck up our tree again! Something must have scared it.
- Emma: Maybe you shooting at it.
[Oscar puts a rifle on the counter]
- Oscar: Dumb animal, driving me crazy.
- Emma: So? I don't shoot you.
- Oscar: This is not about revenge. This is about getting even.
- Oscar: You're about to watch yourself lose a customer!
- Man: I let you play here for free.
- Oscar: Not any more you don't.
- Lacey: Phobias are irrational, they don't have to make sense. Don't you guys have any?
- Brent: Fears? Not really. I mean, just the standard stuff, you know. Pirates, vampires, Sasquatch, intimacy, commitment.
- Lacey: What about you?
- Wanda: None come to mind. Being intimate with a Sasquatch.
- Hank: I'm like Wanda, I don't have any fears.
- Brent: What about bees?
- Hank: I don't have any bees either. [Pause] Oh, fear of bees, right, yeah.
- Davis: Fear is natural. It's what makes us human. It's what separates us from the animals.
- Wanda: That, and opposable thumbs. And pants.
- Hank: Rollerblading.
- Wanda: Any kind of bipedal locomotion.
- Karen: We can make fire. Animals can't make fire.
- Hank: Well, if you don't count dragons.
- Wanda: Actually, there's a lot that separates us from animals.
- Davis: You had me at pants.
Lost and Found
- Oscar: Here.
- Emma: What's this?
- Oscar: The shelf you asked for, for your recipe books. It took me a while.
- Emma: When did I ask for a shelf? Wait. I asked for this when Brent was a kid.
- Oscar: Like I say, it took a while.
- Emma: What are you building next, that change table for the nursery?
- Oscar: I'm gettin' to it.
- Emma: Why do you clutter up the house with junk?
- Oscar: It's a hobby.
- Emma: Get a new hobby.
- Oscar: Fine. I'll go for a walk somewhere I'm appreciated.
- Emma: That'll be a long walk.
- [Karen has lost her footbag.]
- Karen: I'm looking for my footbag.
- Oscar: It's called a sock, Einstein!
- Oscar: Who leaves a pair of pants by the side of the road?
- Brent: That is weird. Picking up a stranger's pants and carrying 'em around all day, that's perfectly normal.
- Oscar: Can't just leave 'em there, that's pants, be a waste. Waste of pants.
- Wanda: Nobody likes pant waste.
- Brent: Yeez I hope it's not genetic.
- Wanda: Are you kidding? You're getting more like him every day.
- Brent: Oh don't be a jackass!
- Karen: Seriously, you guys, a joke's a joke, but I want my hacky-sack back.
- Davis: We don't know where it is.
- Karen: Okay... I guess uhh...I'll go look for it in...the Ruby! Am I getting warmer?
- Wanda: You're getting weirder.
- Brent: [Upset about Wanda throwing away a TV flyer] Well why would you throw away-
- Wanda: Garbage? I'm an enigma.
- Brent: Really, does that pay well? Cause I'm getting the feeling your gas station career may be winding up.
- Wanda: [sarcastically] Oh no.
- Brent: A man's TV should reflect his age. You're 18, 18 inch. When you turn 27, 27 inch. One of these monsters will last me till I'm 50.
- Wanda: You're not 50?
- Brent: You're not fired?
- Brent: This is the Dog River Howler after all, the info is sketchy at best. Remember last year when those coyotes were comin' into town, eatin' people's cats.
[Shows the headline of the Dog River Howler: "Cattle killed by Werewolfs!"]
- Hank: Plus, the plural of werewolf is werewolves... with a "v".
- Brent: Also a good point.
- Mayor Fitzgerald: It's time that Dog River joined the 20th century.
- Karen: Now we'll only be one century behind.
- Brent: Wanda, can I show you something?
- Wanda: I've already seen your belly doing the hula.
- Brent: Now, no more dirty talk. Hand me that big tool so I can mount this.
- Emma: Wanda, why don't you call? You have such a beautiful voice.
- Wanda: Really? At Karaoke Night, you threw a shoe at me.
- Emma: My feet were tired.
- Brent: A broken pipe?
- Emma: I dunno how it happened.
- Oscar: [trying to fix the broken pipe] Probably his fault, all those damn showers he took when he was a kid.
- Brent: Well, can't Dad fix it?
- [Pipe starts spraying water in Oscar's face.]
- Emma: What do you think?
- Brent: Well how the hell did it get bent like that?
- Oscar: How should I know? Looks like the work of an orangutan.
- Brent: Really? That's your prime suspect?
- Emma: I need Oscar around the house. His weirdness keeps me sane.
- Wanda: You and me are very different people.
- Karen: Oscar, do you have any liquid dish soap?
- Oscar: Lickey disco?
- Lacey: [attempting to say "Hurry Hard"] Have a heart! Have a heart!
- Davis: Get her!
- Karen: Yeah! Get her!
- Lacey: Oh, have a heart!
- Brent: That's "hurry hard".
- Brent: Wanda, will you come with me?
- Wanda: You rented Jerry Maguire last night, didn't you?
- Brent: Yeah, I forgot to bring it back too, but regardless will you come with me?
[Wanda looks at Emma and Oscar, scared.]
- Wanda: I don't know, Brent...
- Brent: Bear in mind, I sign your paycheck.
- Wanda: Fine, I'll join your new team.
- Oscar: Aahhh.
- Brent: Yes, thank you Wanda, you won't regret this.
- Wanda: Yeah yeah, you complete me.
- Oscar: Strategies! There's no strategy in curling, you just throw rocks.
- Brent: Maybe that's why our team record with you as skip is...Wanda?
- Wanda: Oh uh...two wins, 87 losses, one tie.
[Brent looks at Oscar with a satisfied look on his face.]
- Wanda: The wins were by default, and the tie was against Mrs. Carter's Grade Three class.
An American in Saskatchewan
- Hank: You can't just leave me here! It's like 10 miles to town!
- Davis: It's your house, you'll live.
- Hank: All I have to eat here are pickles and Pop Rocks!
- Davis: You'll probably live.
- [Davis holds up a piece of wood and shows Wes.]
- Davis: I'll give you this if you get rid of the ATM.
- Wes: You're bribing me with a piece of wood?
- Davis: It's not just a piece of wood, I've got a whole pile of wood. It's yours.
- Fitzy: My plan to promote Dog River is working. An American tourist came here accidentally.
- Brent: Brunch is a powerful tool. I won't see it used for evil.
- Brent: Revenge is a brunch best served with nice biscuits.
- Oscar: You gotta stop living in the past.
- Emma: Does that mean we can finally get a digital clock?
- Oscar: Sure, if you want to blow 800 bucks.
- Emma: Idiot.
- Karen: Okay. A plane crashes on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do they bury the survivors?
- Hank: Hmmm. Well, I guess you gotta figure out which province has more of the plane.
- Karen: The plane is equally divided between the two provinces.
- Hank: Oh.
- Karen: [repeats herself] A plane crashes directly on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan. Where do they bury the survivors?
- Hank: Ohhhhh! The survivors.... One on each side.
- Davis: A rooster lays an egg on a roof; which side does it roll down?
- Hank: The Alberta side! No wait, trick question, the roof is flat.
- Davis: Nope. It's a slanted roof.
- Hank: He he.... the egg is square!
- [Karen and Davis look at each other stunned.]
- Hank: No?
- Brent: ...the committee to convince a young doctor to live in Dog River or C.T.C.A.Y.D.T.L.I.D.R. or Ctcaydtlidr.
- Dr. Chris Garner: Please. You guys think I don't know what's going on? It's obvious the whole town has conspired to convince me not to live here. The weird sexcapades of Brent and his friends.
[Brent takes his arm out from around Davis.]
- Dr Chris Garner: People tossing their kids out. And the constant smothering by this woman who dresses all slutty.
- Lacey: [fake laugh] Flirty...!
- Oscar: What's all the racket? I can hear you clear across town!
- Brent: You can hear us two blocks away?
- Hank: How does that syrup even pass for music? I mean, whatever happened to rock'n'roll, man?
- Wanda: Exactly.
- Brent: You know what's really depressing?
- Wanda: That I just agreed with Hank about something.
- Brent: That's peculiar and unnerving.
- Oscar: Back in the '70s, I wrote a tune called Mona the Monkey. Next thing you know, I turn on the radio and there's Earl the Squirrel.
- Karen: That's not exactly what we in the police business call "hard evidence".
- Davis: It's not even soft evidence.
- Oscar: Mona the Monkey? Earl the Squirrel?
- Lacey: Casper the Ghost. Dennis the Menace.
- Karen: Tony the Tiger.
- Davis: Winnie the Pooh.
- Lacey: Soup of the Day.
- Oscar: You're all smart. Maybe Tony the Pooh doesn't know when he's being ripped off, ever think about that?
- Lacey: Maybe just a half cup for you today.
- Brent: Let me guess, you're broke.
- Hank: What makes you say that?
- Wanda: Because you're staring at the cash the way Hank stares at cash. [pause] Oh my God, you've become your own metaphor.
- Hank: Look, I'm just a little short this week. Can you spot me a tensky?
- Brent: Tensky; you always give it a cute little name so it won't seem like real money. Like that five-O I lent him last week. Sorry Hank, you're a bad riskaroony.
- Hank: Well what am I gonna do for cash? Go pick bottles outta the ditch like some kinda hobo? Pfft! Cause I did that yesterday.
- Hank: We should get Wunder Face back together again!
- Brent: Thunderface. And why would we do that?
- Wanda: It's not the worst idea I've ever heard.
- Brent: Okay that's twice you've agreed with Hank.
- Wanda: Is there some strange planetary lineup today?
[All look out the window.]
- Hank: Hey, I take good care of this truck!
- Brent: Is that why there's smoke billowing out of the hood?
- Brent: That's right, Wes is nuts. This coming from a guy who once punched a skunk.
- Oscar: He had it comin'.
- Oscar: I rub my left elbow, bunt; I rub my right elbow, bursitis. Bunt, bursitis. Bursitis, bunt.
- Hank: Aw, man... I can taste Wes eating those nachos now.
- Brent: All right, let's ignore Hank's disturbing image.
- Brent: To victory.
- Lacey: To perfect attendance.
- Wanda: [drunk] To the internal combustion engine, baby!
- Lacey: Hey what do you guys know about this harvest dance?
- Brent: Well uh there's a harvest and then we have a dance. I'm not sure where we came up with the name.
Dress for Success
- Brent: Hold my monkey.
- Oscar: You just bought $10,000 worth of stocks in 20 seconds. Congratulations: you're the stupidest man in the world!
- Hank: Oh yeah? Let's see you do it faster!
- Oscar: Fast is not the point. You have to know what you're investing in. Study the numbers.
- Lacey: Hank, your cousin just called, he said 11 bucks.
- Hank: [laughs]
- Oscar: Gimme a thousand of this one uhh a thousand of this one uhh...uhh...and two thousand of these.
- Brent: Well why can't you do that yourself? Did some fictional hooligan steal your make-believe ladder?
- Oscar: It's against the rules. We can each take ten grand, that's it. That's the rules. Without rules nothing makes sense.
- Brent: With rules this makes no sense.
- Brent: Wait a minute, this sounds like the perfect game to play somewhere else.
Key to the Future
- Hank: I had a dream about your mom.
- Brent: You have five seconds to make my skin stop crawling.
Dog River Vice
- Oscar: Canada has more Ukrainians than any other country except one. Can you guess which one?
- Emma: The Ukraine?
- Oscar: Yeah, it's the Ukraine!
- Brent: Quitting coffee is hard; quittin' knittin' is easy...and fun to say. Quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin'...
- Lacey: Do you want some decaf?
- Brent: Decaf? The "caf" is what I need! The caf is the whole point of this. I'm not just jonesing for some hot brown liquid, with or without caf. I need the caf!
- Lacey: You need therapy. [puts a glass of milk on the counter]
- Brent: That's not caf, it's for a calf.
Will and Brent
- Wanda: Hey, Lacey! I need your boards; I'm up to my armpits in bulletins!
- Brent: That's almost two feet of bulletins.
The Littlest Yarbo
- Hank: Oscar! I think I just met The Littlest Hobo!
- Oscar: How tall was he? Did he ask you for money?
- Hank: No no no, from the TV show. You know, Canada's Lassie? "There's a voice keeps on calling me...."
- Oscar: A hobo is calling you?
- Hank: No Hobo's the dog.
- Oscar: A dog is calling you?
- Hank: No the voice is calling the dog.
- Oscar: The dog hears voices!?
- Hank: Is Aruba near Cuba?
- Lacey: They don't arrange countries phonetically.
- Hank: It would be cool if they did, though. Then Canada would be next to...Granada.
- Lacey: It's Grenada.
- Hank: Yeah right! And we live in Ca-Nay-Da. So did he tell you where he was going next?
- Lacey: Yeah! Yeah, he just landed in Madrid, which is right next to, uh...Fadrid.
- Hank: Oh! Lucky skunk.
- Lacey: Hank, he's not lucky. He's delusional.
- Wanda: Dear Brent, I know you're on vacation, but if you get the chance, maybe in between your pedicure and your mud bath, you can fix the debit machine like you said you would. All the best, Wanda.
- Brent: Dear Wanda: you can do it. Sincerely, Brent.
- Wanda: Dear Brent, I don't have the passcodes to fix the machine, now do I? P.S.: Your shirt's ugly.
- Hank: Where's Incommunicado?
- Wanda: You're familiar with the island of Ignoramus?
- Oscar: Not now, I'm downloading a Google.
- Oscar: That's probably because you hooked your hard drive into the protocol, and using bits to spamming up the Internet
- Wanda: How are we ever going to tell when you actually do lose your mind?
- Emma: People who use these plates usually have something wrong with them...more wrong with them.
- Oscar: Who cares? Now we can park close to things.
- Emma: Where are we, Manhattan? We always park close to things.
- Oscar: Gotta think ahead.
- Emma: Try thinking period.
- Brent: So what other cats are in this club?
- Wanda: Right now? Just me and Lacey.
- Lacey: We're training for the fun run.
- Brent: Geez, there's two words that don't belong together.
Trees a Crowd
- Hank: To defeat a child, you gotta think like a child!
- Brent: You are uniquely qualified.
- Brent: [running from kids] I've had it with your stupid plans, Now it's time for my stupid plans.
- Hank: With your knowledge of city stuff, and my knowledge of non-city stuff, we know all stuff!
- Lacey: We know all stuff. Wow, that does sound tempting, but I'm not really drawn to a night of drinking beer and watching TV.
- Hank: Well, there are prizes.
- Lacey: What kind of prizes?
- Hank: Beer and a TV.
- Lacey: I feel like we don't connect…
- Oscar: That crazy old bird next door has trolls!
- Emma: What do you mean, trolls?
- Oscar: There's trolls on her lawn, first it was that stupid flamingo and then the frog with the butterfly in its mouth!
- Emma: Oh, the lawn ornaments! I thought you meant she was possessed or something.
- Oscar: They're all over the place! Swans and donkeys and castles and gnomes, and now trolls! It's like a stupid circus!
- Emma: Gnomes and trolls, that'd be a good circus.
- Oscar: Why can't we have normal neighbours?
- Emma: Cuz you always frighten them away.
- Oscar: I'm gonna have to do something about this.
- Emma: Promise me it'll be something stupid.
- Oscar: You sure told that wingnut a thing or two.
- Emma: I don't appreciate being called a thief.
- Oscar: She called me a thief too.
- Emma: You are a thief. If she just called you a thief, she and I would be having tea right now.
[Oscar is eating a sandwich when he notices the gnome on the table with a sandwich in front of it.]
- Emma: [comes into the room] Where did I leave my sandwich? Oh there it is.
- Oscar: That's your sandwich?
- Emma: Yeah, I left it there when I went to get my milk. You didn't think Gnome Oscar made himself a sandwich, did you?
- Oscar: Don't be ridiculous, and don't call it Gnome Oscar.
- Oscar: [referring to the gnome] That thing can sleep down here, I mean stay down here.
- Emma: I don't know why we can't hire somebody to fix the roof.
- Oscar: I can do it myself. It's just a roof, not rocket surgery.
- Emma: Well at least get somebody to help who knows what he's doing, instead of dorkus (referring to Davis).
- Davis: [wearing kneepads on his hands] Hey these kneepads are like hats for little elves.
- Emma: When you fall off the roof, try not to land on anything important
- Karen: So how did Florence die, anyway?
- Wanda: Oh, uh, she died of a rare condition called, uh, almost 100.
- Wanda: Yeesh, would you call that tacky or icky.
- Davis: It's just plain ugly.
- Lacey: Mistletoe.
- Brent: Hey, is that fake or real? Cause if that's real, it's probably my mom's.
- Lacey: I better take it down.
[Lacey reaches for the stepladder.]
- Brent: Here, I'll get that.
- Lacey: Are you sure?
- Lacey: Brent, be careful.
- Brent: I got it.
[Ambulance pulls out from the Ruby.]
- Emma: Same damn thing every year.
- Emma: This one's broken. [referring to a toy that's in a community donation box]
- Wanda: Let's sing Christmas carols.
- Lacey: Who would give a broken toy to a needy child?
- Karen: You mean a cheap child.
- Oscar: It's one of those motor goats; his head's come off. [chuckles]
- Wanda: I think if you look in the neck hole, you'll see there's a twenty in there.
[There is an awkward pause, and everyone looks at Wanda.]
- Wanda: [singing] Joy to the world, the Lord has come...
- Brent: [to Lacey] I can see what you mean about the weird stuff reminding you.
- Lacey: Hank was right, my newspaper was late this morning.
- Brent: Yeah, well, you can thank my dad. He's your eager 12-year-old.
- Lacey: Really? Ha! That is so sweet. Sweet and a little bit sad. Mostly sad.
- Brent: Yeah, we're all very proud.
- Lacey: Why should I pay you? These tips are for my service.
- Man: Can I get a coffee?
- Lacey: In a sec!
- Wanda: Come on! Betty or Veronica? Anyone can think of that.
- Lacey: This is what I'm saying.
- Hank: Yeah? Well, I don't need this! I quit!
- Lacey: You're quitting a job you never had.
- Hank: It's finally sinking in, isn't it? No more questions from me.
- Lacey: [to Wanda] Thanks for sticking up for me.
- Wanda: I got your back, sister! [they high-five]
Friend of a Friend
- Wanda: I'm full of wit.
- Lacey: Rhymes with wit.
- Hank: All great artists overcome adversity.
- Brent: Actually most of 'em go nuts, lop off an ear or two.
- Hank: Lop off my ear!? Some help you are!
- Davis: Award of Excellence? They don't have that in the Olympics.
- Oscar: Oh believe me, I tried.
- Hank: If only we had some kind of bionic eye that made things bigger.
[Brent's eyes widen.]
- Hank: (Adjusting the dials on the telescope that Brent's looking through). How's that?
- Brent: I can read the ingredients on the chips. Oh wait now it looks blurry. (image clears showing a scowling Wanda). Now it looks angry.
- Wanda: Wow, does that ever look like my telescope. Oh except this ones got two extra knobs.
- Brent: [Carrying Wanda's big telescope into his garage] Protected by my intense disinterest.
- Emma: That is a big jar.
- Brent: Yeah, it's hard to believe it was once filled with pickled eggs.
[Emma and Karen look up.]
- Brent: Oh right. Like you two have never made a rash decision at a bulk food store.
- Emma: So how many are there?
- Karen: What? Jelly beans?
- Emma: No, jars.
- Karen: Well, there's only one.
- Brent: Well, you two are off to a good start. I'll let you count these beans.
- Oscar: A monkey could've suggested a better gift, not a deaf one either. Just any old monkey.
- Wanda: You people are obssessed with monkeys. A spa day is a great gift, a years supply of bananas that's the monkey gift.
- Oscar: You really dropped the ball on this one.
- Wanda: A old tire hanging from a rope that's a monkey gift. Spa day great gift.
- Oscar: Well Emma hated it!
- Wanda: I know.
- Oscar: You know nothing! [calmly] So what do I get her?
- Wanda: That's it? That's the fight?
Hair Comes the Judge
- [Davis is bugging Oscar about the hole in his muffler.]
- Oscar: A porcupine died for that hole, buddy boy!
- Davis: Don't make this about the porcupine!
- Davis: When have you ever cut my hair?
- Karen: You take a lot of naps.
- Lacey: Seriously, Wanda. I need your complete, impartial opinion.
- Wanda: Alright. I'll be completely impartial. I'll listen to you and Dinglenuts(referring to Hank).
- Hank: D-dinglenuts?
- Lacey: There were no "Terms".
- Wanda: You mean to say that you didn't stipulate finite terms, establish clear, unambiguous points of chronology, duty, and ultimately remuneration?
- Hank: Nope. None of those words!
Dog River Dave
- Oscar: Ungrateful ungrates!
- Hank: Ingrates. I think that's ingrates.
- Oscar: Ingrateful ingrates!
Two Degrees of Separation
- Oscar: It's like Africa in here. It's like a sauna. It's like a Sauna in Africa!
- Emma: Oh, It's imperceptible.
- Oscar: Well I percept it!
Just Brent and his Shadow
- Hank: Blink twice if you're in danger.
- [Shortly thereafter.]
- Hank: You blinked like 13 times; I don't know what that means.
- Brent: [repeated line] Coffee break.
- Lacey: Why did you blow up the tractor?
- Hank:...Oscar told me to. He said Ce— he said t—that don't bother trying to fix the tractor, C—Cecil told him, just blow it up.
- Brent: Gilligan. Alright listen up everybody. Due to unforseen...Hank, we're not gonna be blowing up a barn.
- Karen: Davis is doing hard time, it's no walk in the park.
- Karen: Okay goose-down comforter, hypo-allergenic pillow, earl grey tea-
- Davis: No chamomile?
- Karen: They were out.
- Davis: This is gonna be hell.
- Karen: Prison. You know, the jughouse?
- Wanda: What's four times five?
- Brent and Karen: 19.
- Oscar: 21.
- Brent and Karen: 19.
- Oscar: 21.
- Brent and Karen: 19.
- Fitzy: What's going on?
- Wanda: I asked them what four times five is.
- Fitzy: Isn't that 20?
- Man: Yeah, Fitzy's right.
- Oscar: 21.
- Brent and Karen: 19.
- Man and Fitzy: 20.
- Karen: I need an excuse of some sort.
- Wanda: But I did all this work!
- Karen: That's the excuse... you did all the work!
- Oscar: No, that's it; I'm not doing it.
- Emma: You're being cruel; I never ask you to do anything.
- Oscar: What are you talking about. You ask me to do stuff all the time.
- [In a flashback] Emma: Oscar, can you pass me the milk?
- Oscar: And I got a lot more examples.
- Wanda: I was going to tell him he could lay down on the highway and discuss it with speeding traffic, but a blog ???
- Hank: Yeah a blog, that's short for web-log, web cause its on the internet and hmmm...
- Brent: cause it was originally written on wood?
- Wanda: well, why waste this on us, when you could put it on the internet and have the world world ignore it !
- Hank: whole world, huh???
- Karen: Hey, Davis. I figured you'd be in tax prison by now.
- Karen: You make it sound like Christmas.
- Wanda: Tax time beats the crap out of Christmas.
- Lacey: Why do people who like to do things make people who don't like to do things do things?
- Hank: Nobody's reading this blog are they, question mark? Is there anybody out there, question mark? I'm getting a sandwich.
- Emma: This will be fun! Food, people, the smell of the grill.
- Lacey: That's my job. I do this all day.
- Emma: But this is outside!
- Lacey: Oh great. My job plus bugs.
- Brent: They're here, they're here! Oh man I'm as giddy as a...
- Wanda: Ninny?
- Brent: No.
- Wanda: Boob?
- Brent: Not quite more than ninny less than boob.
- Wanda: Why are you so jacked up over a batch of windshield washer fluid?
- Brent: Maybe this will answer your question.
[Brent pulls out a jug of red wiper fluid.]
- Wanda: Aahhh, nope.
- Brent: Well it's red! The old stuff was blue. We used to sell blue, now we're selling red.
- Wanda: Wow, I hope we don't get trampled in the rush.
One Piano, Four Hands
- Wanda: I think I've got Hot Cross Buns Down, let's try Three Blind Mice.
- Emma: They're the same tune.
- Wanda: ...You just blew my mind.
- Emma: Glad to have helped.
- Oscar: Who's punching your horses now?
- Wanda: [to Hank] If you are not injured from this accident, you will be when I'm done with you!
- Hank: I think I broke my wrist.
- Wanda: Damn!
- Hank: I know!
- Hank: You don't know how it goes down! You don't even know when it goes down! It just went down and you didn't even know!
- Oscar: You don't know me, where I'm from, what my sass factor is!
- Brent: I so don't believe you. My disbelief is like an iron fortress of disbelief... patrolled by Superman... and he doesn't believe you either.
- Oscar: [seeing a pregnant woman] Headcount! One... and a half. Let's go.
- Fitzy: 3 and a half people! That's all you counted? You're both fired.
- Oscar: You don't know how it goes down on the street. You sit here behind your desk.
- Fitzy: I don't have a desk! It's a door on two filing cabinets!
- Oscar: Oh, well you should have one, you're the mayor.
The Good Old Table Hockey Game
- Hank: You beat Brent! You're Queen of the Knobs!
- Karen: Please don't call me that.
- Wanda: And there goes Karen jogging.
- Brent: Yeah yeah.
- Wanda: Oh and there's Hank running right behind her.
- Emma: You haven't lived until you've seen power tools cut a teenager in half.
- Brent: I took shop class.
- Davis: How come you never let me use the siren?
- Oscar: Something's different about these mashed potatoes.
- Emma: That's because it's RICE.
- Oscar: Needs sour cream.
- Oscar: What's with the brown ketchup?
- Wanda: [talking about the bowl to Emma] I paid fifty bucks for it on Ebay!
- Emma: Fifty bucks, is that all?
- Mayor Fitzy: Yeah, I mean for an enchanted bowl that's a bargain!
- Wanda: Emma thinks this bowl is enchanted by flavour fairies of the forest
- Fitzy: Your meatloaf's good, but I wanted a cheeseburger. Actually, I heard there was sashimi but it's not on the menu.
- Karen: I can do sashimi.
- Lacey: Can I get you anything else?
- Fitzy: Do you have sashimi?
- Lacey: Eat your meatloaf.
- Fitzy: I guess my strategy of no one running against me, is working.
- Fitzy: You know, of all the ideas I've heard; yours is the first. Let's do it.
- Man in suit: Meet the new manager of the Dog River Pump 'N' Go.
- Oscar: Have a nice day, jackass.
- Emma: So whaddya think?
- Oscar: I dunno. Where's the gotcha? Where's the water cooler? Maybe if you had an ostrich. You don't talk about it, it's just there. Ostrich. Think about it.
- Hank: Yeah-ah, I got this friend, who egged a cable van.
- Peggy: We only take questions about pets.
- Hank: [pause] I have this pet, who egged a cable van...
- Davis: Do you have to have your top button done up when you talk to him?
- Karen: What are you saying?
- Davis: I'm just sayin' would it kill ya to flirt with him?
- Karen: Um, yeah!
- Lacey: So...you know the log? Was that fire real or was it added digitally?
- Cable guy: Oh, it's real. But here's the crazy thing about that log...it was shot...in July.
- Oscar: Hi, I'm Oscar Leroy and my show is called 'Not Peggy's Stupid Pets!'
- Brent: So, what's your show about?
- Oscar: Well, I'll tell you what it's not about. It's not about Peggy. It's not about pets, and it's not stupid! Got that jackass?
- Brent: Are there birds in here?
- Wanda: It's the phone.
- Brent: Are there birds in the phone?
- Wanda: Hey Olivia, the new comics are in.
- Hank: Oh thanks. Olivia?
- Wanda: Newton-John? Let's get physical?
- Hank: Oh no, not right now, I'm about to work out.
Whiner Takes All
- Karen: Hey, how did you know I forgot my wallet?
- Wanda: I... saw it in your eyes... you look wallet-less.
- Oscar: The world's a dirty place Lacey. Things happen. Things you don't want to know about. Money changes hands; people look the other way; cats go missing.
- Oscar: Hey, let's have eggs in bed. And don't bother scrambling them; we'll get the bed to do it.
- Oscar: [writing a letter] Dear Slumbermatic Bed People. I have been having the best sleeps because of your bed. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying this, but setting nine is my favourite. [knocking at the door] Come in! Oh, I guess I should say that out loud... Gotta go, my soup is here. PS: It's tomato.
- Wanda: Hey Brent, you hear your parents are splitsville?
- Brent: I got real problems. Check this out, they made my shirt the wrong colour.
The Eight Samurai
- Wanda: [in Emma's garden after drinking Haywire, an energy drink] I like working outside Brent! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the sky is bleeding and the grass is screaming!
- Emma: There are people starving in Afri...China.
Game Set and Mouse
- Oscar: Did you see that? A mouse just ran across here it was as big as a gopher.
- Hank: If it was as big as a gopher you know what it might've been.
- Oscar: It wasn't a gopher.
- Hank: I was gonna say squirrel.
- Emma: First you take three dollops of goop and spread it evenly.
- Wanda: It's burning!
- Emma: The warmth means it's working.
- Wanda: I didn't say warmth. It feels like you're welding my spine.
- Emma: That also means it's working.
- Karen: What do the red blotches mean?
- Emma: It means it's time to shut up.
- Wanda: There's blotches?
- Karen: No, now your whole back is red.
- Wanda:[turns around with her face completely red] Ow. Now it's really burning. My skin is on fire.
- Emma: I'm glad that's not me.
- Wanda: Do me a favor put your neck between my hands.
Knit Wit of the Month
Hank: Hey my knitters!
Outside the Box
No Time Like the Presents
- Oscar: It's not a sex bench! It's a make-out bench. And it's not a make-out bench!
- Brent: Whatever you say, Hef.
- Oscar: I was walking downtown, and what should I see? But Brent Leroy's Corner Gas tree!
- Brent: So you wrote a poem about it?
Bed and Brake Fast
- Lacey: Wow. That is a great-looking cake.
- Emma: Chocolate double chocolate with chocolate icing. I've been serving it to Brent for 39 years.
- Lacey: You fed Brent cake when he was one?
- Emma: Well, that's how we got him to walk.
- Davis: No permit, no fireworks. Now, if you can gently carry them and very carefully place them in the trunk of the police car while I stand way over here, that'd be great.
- Davis: Wanda is a scared! Wanda is a scared!
- Oscar: Walter has a beard! Walter Has a beard!
Bend It Like Brent
All That And A Bag Of Chips
[Wanda is trying to guess Hank's e-mail password]
- Wanda: Is it taco?
- Hank: No.
- Wanda: Ketchup?
- Hank: No.
- Wanda: Napkin?
- Hank: Yes.
[Cut to Wanda trying the password]
- Wanda: You lying, sack of-
[Cut back to the Ruby]
- Wanda: It wasn't napkin!
- Hank: I thought you were offering me a napkin.
[Wanda steals Hank's fries and walks off in anger]
- Wanda: And here you go.
[Wanda passes a CD to Fitzy]
- Wanda: Prepare to be blown away by the aural journey.
- Fitzy: I thought Karen was the smut reader.
Cat River Daze
- Lacey: Our first order of business is-
- Hank: I second that.
- Lacey: What?
- Hank: Every motion should have a second.
- Davis: Don't be so formal. Chair recognizes Lacey.
TV Free Dog River
R2 Bee Too
Crab Apple Cooler
Happy Career Day to You
Get the F Off My Lawn
You've Been Great, Goodnight
Corner Gas Season 5. Dir. David Storey et al. Perf. Brent Butt, Gabrielle Miller, Fred Ewanuick, Eric Peterson, Janet Wright, Tara Spencer-Nairn, Lorne Cardinal, and Nancy Robertson. Three Thirty-Five Productions, 2007.