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Coronation Street

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Coronation Street (1960–present) is a British Soap airing on the ITV Channel. It is the longest running, and the British soap opera with the highest audience figures.

1960

[edit]
[The first episode. Elsie Tanner is fighting with her son Dennis]
Elsie Tanner: Sometimes I wish we were more like them Barlows. At least they're not rowin' all the time!
[The second episode. Martha and Ena are discussing death]
Ena Sharples: Sometimes I think I am bout ready to go down to that cemetery.
Martha Longhurst: Really?
Ena: I would just like to go the way me mother did.
Martha: Ooh, that were a beautiful ending.
Ena: Lovely - she just sat up, broke wind, and died.

1965

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[Valerie Barlow is angered at Ken, after the twins are almost killed when the house goes on fire]
Ken Barlow: Well, what can I do after this lot?
Valerie: is still angered and does not reply
Ken: Val. What do you want me to say? That I made a stupid mistake? That I shouldn't have gone out and left them? [Tries to make out what he hopes is Val's reply] "Oh no, Ken! I agree!" Val, will you listen?
Valerie: Another five minutes, and this whole house could have gone up! Peter and Susan lying upstairs alone, what chance do you think they'd have had?
Ken: Val, please don't rub it in, how do you think I feel?
Val: One night a week, I go out, one night! I don't know, maybe it's my fault, maybe I'm expecting too much! You're supposed to be the one with the brains, you're always telling me how stupid I am! There isn't a kid in this street who'd do what you did - go out leaving two babies alone, a fire half way up the chimney with a maiden of clothes drying, and for what? to go drinking at the Rovers?
Ken: That's not true and you know it, I went to get some cigarettes!
Val: Then what took you so long? I was here five minutes before you even showed your face! Where were you?
Ken: I told you, I got involved in a stupid argument!
Val: You think, you read about it in the papers and you think "This can never happen to me!", but it can and it very nearly did and all because of you!
Ken: Val...
[Ken prepares to light a cigarette as Val storms towards the door]
Val: If I catch you with another cigarette, I'll take the twins and I'll leave you!

1971

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[Valerie is getting ready for a party, as the family are emigrating to Jamaica, when her hairdryer breaks, and she attempts to fix it]
Valerie Barlow: Hello? Oh hi! Yes, I know, but you've no idea, when I got the dress out, the hemp had come unpicked, and... well... you'll just have to wait! I haven't got another dress and my hair is still wet!
Ken: [who is at the Rovers] Well, come as you are... wet hair, no dress - it's all the rage! Don't be so bashful! Oh come on, you've got to put your face on. Look, why not wear the one that god gave you, we both happen to like it!
Valerie: Look, give me about half an hour... well twenty minutes and I'll be fit to be seen. Yes, well you're my husband, so it's a bit different... that's a bit cheeky, even for you! Soon as I can! Bye.
[Albert and Irma are talking about Val Barlow's sudden death in a fire.]
Albert: I have lived my life. Why couldn't the Good Lord have taken me stead of our Valerie?
Irma: I think it has something to do with being born a Barlow or marrying a Barlow, life sure has it in for us.

1973

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[Deirdre Hunt is drunk, at a party, slumped on a sofa with Alan Howard]
Deirdre Hunt (Anne Kirkbride): Do you know what I want most in all the world?
Alan Howard (Alan Browning): No.
Deirdre: Go on, ask me, say "What do you want most in all the world?"
Alan: What do you want most in all the world?
Deirdre: A wardrobe.

1974

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[Minnie is going to tell Albert that she does not want to marry him]
Albert Tatlock: Have you got summat to tell me?
Minnie Caldwell (Margot Bryant): Yes, Albert, I'm afraid I have.
Albert: Well, if you got summat to say, spit it out instead of rabbitin' on about nothin'.
Minnie: I am not rabbitin' on about nothin', Albert, I am definitely rabbitin' on about somethin'.
Albert: What?
Minnie: Our future life together. I don't think we got one.

1977

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[Annie Walker discusses the nobility of yesteryear with Fred Gee while sewing her Queen Elizabeth costume for the Jubilee celebrations]
Annie Walker: They knew the meaning of magnificence.

1983

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[After a day at the Lake, Fred had sent Annie Walker's car in the lake, with Bet Lynch and Betty Turpin inside]
Bet Lynch: Things were bad. You had more than enough to answer for before, but now...
Fred Gee: Oh, belt up, will you?
Bet: ...you've done me and my gorgeous new outfit the final, the most unforgivable mischief! Not content with doing your damnedest to feed me to the flamin' fishes, you have put me down right slap bang in the middle of a flamin' cow plop!

1991

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[After finding out the truth about Mike, Jackie want him out of her life]
Mike Baldwin (Johnny Briggs): Jackie! Who's a clever boy then? Get your facts right, a little bit of chat and look what Michael's pulled out... a hat!
Jackie Ingram: Don't touch me!
Mike: What?
Jackie: I don't want you to touch me and I don't want you anywhere near me.

2004

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[Steve, on the eve of his re-marriage to Karen, summarizes the plot so far for his twin brother Andy (who is revisiting the Street briefly to be Steve's best man). Of course it all falls apart at the wedding]
Steve McDonald (Simon Gregson): I got Tracy Barlow pregnant, who stalked me, and cancelled my wedding behind my back. I've got a baby daughter nobody knows about, who is being looked after by the Croppers. Roy thinks he's the father, and so does his trans-sexual partner Hayley. ... I am officially the luckiest man alive. The Croppers are happy, Tracy is happy, and I'm getting married in the morning.
[After Tracy had cancelled Karen and Steve's wedding plans]
Karen McDonald: (Suranne Jones) to Tracy Barlow (Kate Ford): Try any more stunts like that and I will be booking your funeral! Now that, is enough!

2005

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[Kelly flirts with the new mechanic]
Kelly Crabtree (Tupele Dorgu): I treat my body like a temple.
Janice Battersby (Vicky Entwistle): Open to everyone, day and night.
[Blanche is throwing Danny and Frankie out of her house without notice]
Frankie Baldwin (Debra Stephenson): You can't do that. It's illegal!
Blanche Hunt (Maggie Jones): Then sue me! (Slams her front door shut. Frankie looks through the letter box)
Frankie: You cannot kick us out of our house, you looney!
Danny Baldwin (Bradley Walsh): Get up Frankie. She won't hear you - she's as deaf as a post!
Blanche: I heard that!

2006

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[Jason and Sarah are having the mother of all rows]
Jason Grimshaw (Ryan Thomas): I don't know what I ever saw in you, you bunny boiling freak! Cheap sex whinging gob! Legs from heaven, personality from hell.
[Danny and Leanne are discussing Ken Barlow in the Rovers' prior to Mike's funeral]
Leanne: If he so much as looks at me wrong today, I'll bop him one.
[Emily, Blanche and Norris are discussing Frankie and Danny Baldwins recent engagement]
Emily: Well, you know what they say. Third time lucky.
Blanche: They'll be lucky if they make it to the end of the reception.
Norris: Do jewellers do refunds?

2007

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[Sonny and Sean are thrashing out their situation]
Sean Tully (Antony Cotton): Get out, and go and ruin someone else's life. Your work here is done.
[Sean is the next person to feel Paul's wrath. The mincing machinist is thrown out of the factory]
Sean: And she's like, you know, "You stay at your side of the bar and I'll stay at mine" and that I love the girl to bits but, admit defeat.
Paul Connor (Sean Gallagher): Get out.
Fiz Brown (Jennie McAlpine): Oh come on it was just affectionate!
Paul: GET OUT!
Sally Webster (Sally Whittaker): Hey, you can't do that!
Female 1: GET OFF HIM!
Female 2: What do you think you're playing at?
Paul: If you saw the state of her the night Ryan's dad died, if you had the slightest idea...
Sean: I know.
Paul: NO, YOU DON'T KNOW! But for a second there we thought she might be happy again.
Liam Connor (Rob James-Collier): PAUL! That's enough!
Kelly: You ain't and you can't just blame Sean what about Sonny boy!
Paul: Yeah but then you come along a mate, and then you lied to her, you ruined her trust, AND BRING IT ALL FLOODING BACK TO HER!
Sean: I'm so sorry!
Paul: Prancing round my factory? Laughing at my sister? For this is a family business mate NOW GET OUT!!!!
[Outside the salon, Sean says he has found the perfect man for Violet]
Sean: And I have found a perfect man for you.
Violet Wilson (Jenny Platt): You find that hard to believe.
Sean: I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
Violet: So when you know.
Sean: Kinda.
Violet: Well if he's so perfect for me then why is it taking so long to think of him?
Sean: Because sometimes you can't see what's under your snoz.
Violet: Well, what's his name?
Sean: Johnny.
Violet: Right, and where does he live?
Sean: In my pocket.
Violet: In your...
Sean: Johnny Depp. Pirates Of The Caribbean.
Violet: What can I say... the perfect man.
Sean: All you need is a bar of chocolate, a packet of crisps and a nice bottle of dry white and it's a perfect date.
Violet: Well I think that's exactly what I need - a disposable man, you can pop him back in the box when you're done with him.
Sean: Aw, it's nice to see you smile again.
[Sean arrives in the pub with a birthday card for Steve]
Sean: [Singing] Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday sorry it's late, happy birthday to you!
Steve: Thank you Sean.
Sean: Oh charming, I'll have it back.
Sean: Ooh, Michelle!
Violet: I want a baby Sean. [Weeping quietly]
Sean: [Whispers] I know.
[Eileen has spilled white wine on Sarah's already torn wedding dress to get the red wine stains out from which Sally had spilt onto moments before]
Gail (Helen Worth): What did you do that for?
Eileen (Sue Cleaver): It's white wine it gets red wine stains out.
Gail: On carpets, not on wedding dresses!
[Bethany has just come round]
Bethany (Amy and Emily Walton): Mum, mummy?

2009

[edit]
[Ken is showing off his kimono at a dinner party to Deirdre, Liz, Lloyd and Blanche]
Blanche: Oh, for the love of God!
Ken Barlow (William Roache): Okay. Come on. Let's have it. You've got a problem with this, I should imagine?
Blanche: A grown man, dressed as a Giesha? Have you gone stark staring mad?
Ken: It is no different to a dressing gown. I mean what. Is there a rule? Thou shalt wear terry towelling in the North West of England?
Blanche: There should be.
Lloyd Mullaney (Craig Charles): Oh come on, Blanche. If a man can't indulge his eccentricities at home, where can he indulge them?
Deirdre Barlow (Anne Kirkbride): I wouldn't mind if he didn't indulge them in front of guests.
Ken: Look it's not eccentric, it's Japanese and it makes me feel comfortable.
Liz McDonald (Beverley Callard): Well I'm with the boys. I mean Lloyd wears all manner of weird and wonderful things.
Blanche: Well that's understandable. [Turns back to Ken) But Ken! Always got to be different. Always sniffing out controversy. Does Tennessee Williams wear kimono?]
Ken: Tennessee Williams is dead!
Blanche: I'm not surprised!
[Becky Granger has thrown away Michelle's ring]
Blanche Hunt (to Steve McDonald): That's the second fiancé to chuck that ring away. You'd be better off buying a boomerang!
Tony: [To Luke about Rosie] The only thing lower than that daft lass' neckline is her IQ.

Cast

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Actors - characters featured in the dialogue above only.
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