Cow and Chicken
Cow and Chicken is an American animated series, created by David Feiss. The series chronicles the adventures of a cow, named Cow, and her chicken brother, named Chicken. They are often tormented by The Red Guy, a usually naked devil-like character who poses as various characters to scam or hurt them.
- Chicken: Mama had a chicken!
- Cow: Mama had a cow!
- Cow & Chicken: [in unison] Dad was proud, and he didn't care how!
- Theme song plays
- Cow: Cow!
- Theme song plays more
- Chicken: Chicken!
- Theme song plays more
- Cow & Chicken: Cow and Chicken!
- Theme song plays more
- The Red Guy starts laughing and flashes his butt a little
"Field Trip to Folsom Prison Blues / Girls' Bathroom"
- Cow: [gasps] Chicken, that is a good way to lose a beak!
- Chicken: Ah, shut up, Cow! Mind your own Beeswax! [gets hit with sign] What?
- Chicken:[pretending to be an inmate and slyly pantsing the warden] Jailbreak!
- Guard: [panicking] Sound the alarm! [The guard falls down and the inmates laugh at him. He is then insulted and grabs Chicken pretending to be Red.] Lockdown!
- Chicken: Eat this, you filthy screw.
- Inmate: Way to go, Red.
Chicken: [To Red as the Warden] I gotta be home by 8:00 or I'm in big trouble! Anyhow, Mom is making pork butts and taters. She only makes it on Tuesdays; it's my favorite!
- Dad: Chicken, the warden of Folsom Prison just called.
- Chicken: I know what he said; I did time at the big house 'cause I pantsed the guard!
"Supermodel Cow / Part Time Job"
- Cow: That's it! I'll get a part-time job at the milk farm. I'll make money to buy Crabs the Warthog
- Chicken: You think they want your milk? It says the finest cows on Earth, not Mars!
- Dr. Chunks: WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU MAN?! CAN'T YOU READ?! "NO CHICKEN MILK!!"
- Chicken: Hey, Mr. Hiney! When do I get paid for this gig?
- The Red Guy: Oh, you won't need any money where you're going, little fella...
"Alive! / Who Is Supercow?"
- Mom: Where would we be without you , Boneless Chicken?
- Boneless Chicken: Where? Well, you'd be up a creek without a paddle or burning your bridges before they're hatched. Who can say, really?
[Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh at Boneless' joke.]
- Dad: Oh, Boneless, you always kill us!
- Boneless Chicken: Ah, go on.
- Dad: Will you be needing anything while we're away?
- Boneless Chicken: Sure, how 'bout a spine for my limp and lifeless body? [Mom, Dad, and Chicken laugh once more as they soon head for Chicken's parent-teacher conference.]
- Cow: Oh, Mom and Dad! I missed you both so much these long months of being marooned.
- Dad: Sweetheart, we've only been gone half an hour for Chicken's parent-teacher conference.
- The Red Guy: Superheroes, are your leotards starting to stink? Is your booties getting brittle? IS YOUR CAPE KIND OF CRUDDY?! Well, come on over to Hiney Beau Dry Cleaners, where if you're a superhero, your CLEANING is free!
- The Red Guy: [holds up a sweetcorn-based superhero costume in disdain] "Corn-Cobb Man"?! There's a lotta sick people in this town.
"Confused / The Molting Fairy"
- Cow: Mom always says not to go to the carnival naked.
- The Red Guy: Got any scabs?! They could be worth gold.
"The Ugliest Weenie"
- Red Guy: Oh, we're flat out of time! Stay tuned after the commercial break! And maybe we'll show you the rest of the play! Or maybe we'll fill the time up with even more commercials! [laughs maniacally]
- Cow: Didn't you remember mom always says we should never run into a burning school auditorium?
- Chicken: It must've slipped my mind!
"Orthodontic Police / Cow with Four Eyes"
- The Red Guy: [as the Orthodontic Policeman] What are you people, a bunch of communists?
- Teacher: Nothing is more important than straight teeth. Well, at least that's what the pantsless policeman said.
- The Red Guy:[After getting his butt kicked by Supercow, he removes the last of the braces off the police officer] There, that's the last one.
- [The policeman happily eats his doughnut and runs laughing.]
- The Red Guy:[Revealing to wear the permanent braces with a satellite attached to it.] Okay, I did what you said, I removed the braces off everybody. Now can you take off mine?! That was the deal.
- Chicken: Oh, I wish we could, but we have already rented you out as a Satellite Tracking Dish.
- [Cow and Chicken laugh as the Red Guy drives away after satellites drop from the sky]
- The Red Guy: Is there a real orthodontist in the house?
"Cow Instincts, Don't It? / Ballerina Cow"
- Cow: I'm a big fat loser!
- Chicken: I could have told you the big and fat part.
"Chicken's First Kiss / Squirt the Daisies"
- Winney: Hi Chicken! I like your wattle! Do you clean it with special soap to make it so shiny?!
- Mom: Oh Chicken! You don't get cooties from being kissed; listen to Father!
- Chicken: You don't?
- Dad: No son. you get them from...toilet seats.
"Space Cow / The Legend of Sailcat"
- Chicken: [to Cow] They'd never let you go in outer space. There's no room!
"Headhunting in Oregon / The King and Queen of Cheese"
- Dad: We're going to Oregon to find some head hunters.
- The Red Guy: Walter Jeans-Begone, headhunter guide, at your service!
- The Red Guy: Hello! It's me, Larry Lackapants, Arkansas Cheese master, soon to be the King & Queen of Cheese!
"Tounge Sandwich / Dream Date Chicken"
- Cow: [Humming as she runs the vacuum]
- Mom: Chicken, why don't you take a hint from your sister and take out the garbage?
- Chicken: [Begins raging] Stop rattin' on me! Why do I always have to do everything around here?! [Breaks the T.V.] GET OFF MY CASE! [Banging his fists the walls in tune with his line]
- Mom: Honey, talk to your son; I had just about all I can take. [Runs away, crying]
- Dad: Listen here, Chief: when you're all grown up and living like some hopped up and crazy bachelor, you can sleep on a pile of garbage for all I care! But as long as you're living under my roof, you've got to live by my rules!
- Chicken: But-
- Dad: That's it! I'll have no back-talk, Mister! You're grounded! [Chicken goes into his room and slams the door] [Cow opens the door and gasps]
- Cow: Where are you going?
- Chicken: I am runnin' away to be a bachelor with cousin Boneless Chicken. No one tells him what to do; he just lays around his cool bachelor pad and does whatever he wants. Hasta la adiós, Cow. [Chicken hops out of the window]
- Cow: Adiós, big brother. [Moos. She then tears up and turns to her own bedroom] Oh, Chicken's a grown-up bachelor, and... I'm all alone! [Sits on the floor and cries] Ooh, I want to play grown-up bachelor, too! [Continues crying]
"The Bad News Plastic Surgeons / The Exchange Stüdent"
- Teacher: Everybody just shut your porktraps for a minute!
- The Red Guy: Plastic surgery isn’t just a sport, it’s a way of life.
- The Red Guy: Oh, I like your spirit. You’re hired. Oh, by the way, who did your wattle?
- The Red Guy: Which one of you weenies is our victim-slash-volunteer?
- Cow: Nip and tuck, short and curl, my brother Chicken is not a girl!
- Chicken: Couldn’t have done this without you, Dr. Hiney.
- The Red Guy: Oh please call me Dr. Hiney.
- Policeman: Hey, it says here you're a plastic pipe salesman from bend Oregon!
- Chicken: He wasn’t even a New Mexican...
- Cow: Mom! Dad! Photo-realistic beaver is teasing me again!
"Chicken in the Bathroom"
- [Mom has ordered Chicken to stay in the tub until he takes a bath, and Mom, Dad, and Cow need to use the toilet]
- Dad: Chicken? Hurry up and take that bath, I gotta get in there!
- Chicken: No dice.
- Cow: Chicken? Are you done yet? I need to visit the reading room...to read?
- Mom: Me too, Chicken, can I, um, use the bathroom too?
- Dad: Come on son, I gotta core the apple!
- Mom: I have to launch the raft!
- Dad: Come on Chicken, I have to brick up the chimney!
- Cow: I need to stir the bean, big brother! Will you be much longer?
- Chicken: I ain't takin' no bath!
- Dad: Come on! I gotta, uh, uh, feed the ducks.
- Cow: Why don’t you just get it over with, Chicken? I need to wax the board!
- Chicken: The bathroom is closed for the duration.
- Dad: Chicken! For crying out loud, I gotta jump the gun!
- Mom: I can't hold it any longer! ...Could you please hurry honey?
- Cow: I gotta peel the onions!
- Chicken: How rude! Not while I am in the tub, bub!
- Mom: Hurry up! Chicken! I gotta wash the window!
- Dad: I gotta make peace with the Germans!
- Mom: Gotta run for Congress here!
- All three: Come on Chicken, take a bath already!
- Cow: Chicken! It’s time to flip the pickles!
- Dad: Come on, Chicken!
- Mom: I gotta resole the family christen!
- Cow: I simply must pull the rip cord!
- Dad: I must wash the windows!
- Mom: I, I, I gotta spoon the balls!
- Cow: Let the little puppies run! Please?
- Dad: Gotta shake hands with the President!
- Mom: Gotta press the issue!
- Cow: Chicken, I need to let the cat out!
- Dad: It’s time to drive the governor home...
- Mom: I...need...to...stuff...the...olives!
- Cow: Have to shuck the corn!
- Mom: Oooh! It is time to burp the baby!
- Cow: May I please stabber out the facts?
- Mom: I...I...got...to...strike...my...pansy!
- Cow: Lay some carpet, por favor!
- Dad: Gotta talk to the boss! THAT IS IT, CHICKEN!!!
- Dad Ready or Not Chicken!, Son, if you don’t take a bath, then we’ll give you one!
- Chicken: (gasps)
- Chicken: Not only am I not a boy, I'm not even a chicken! [breaks into tears]
- Cow: Ooh, I hope my big bwudder is gonna be okay, oh, if only I hadn't been whistwing in fwont of him, he wouwdn't have faced in dis wife, oh...I wish I nevew whistwed again in my wife!
- Cow: Evewyone can whistwe, Chicken, it is one of wife's speciaw out gifts.
101 Uses For Cow and Chicken
- Cow: [with a price tag on her labelled 19 cent] My buns are only 19 cents? [tearfully] I AM SO CHEAP!!! [sobbing and mooing]
- The Red Guy: GOOD MORNING! Coffee, grandma? I think you'd make a great coffee cup. [opens up Chicken's beak, pours coffee in him, and starts spilling the coffee on himself] It leaks.
- The Red Guy: [uses Chicken as a face towel] Hey, you're not bad as a towel! [looks at himself in the mirror; gasps] Oh! I didn't brush my teeth this year! Guess what you get to be! [squirts toothpaste on Chicken and starts brushing his teeth with him; spits in the sink] Ooh. I NEED A NICE CLOSE SHAVE! [sharpens Chicken's beak on a belt; starts shaving his chin and his tongue with Chicken] [shaves his armpit] AHH! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST HUM A LITTLE?! WORK WITH ME HERE!
- Chicken: [blows raspberry at him]
- The Red Guy: THAT'S IT! NOW MY SHAVER'S SPITTING AT ME! I've been ripped off! YOU GUYS ARE USELESS! I'm taking you back to the store.
I Scream Man
- Chicken: My waddle is getting all wrinkly. I sure could use somethin' to wet my whistle. [Cow squirts milk at him] Somethin' besides that.
- [Cow and Chicken get caught by Dad while trying to catch the Arbor Day Pig.]
- Cow: We're busted.
- Dad: Oh, you kids know that you can't open this piggie until Arbor Day. [Arbor Day Pig has sticker labelled "Do Not Open 'Til Arbor Day" on his butt]
- Arbor Day Pig: Ha!
- Dad: And that's three days away. [Pig blows raspberry, but then gasps]
- The Red Guy: DING DING DING DING DING DING DING! STUPID SONG IS DRIVING ME... nuts!
- The Red Guy: [with Cow and Chicken chasing him] THIS IS MADNESS!!! [screams] LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
- The Red Guy: Oh crud! I must've thrown out all my ice cream at those funny-looking kids. [gives Chicken ice cubes in an ice cream cone] Here you go, duck.
- Chicken: Hey! This is just a cone with ice cubes in it!
- The Red Guy: And your point is? NEXT!
- Cow: Do you have any gravy freezies?
- The Red Guy: NO!
- Cow: Frozen pork buttocks?
- The Red Guy: NO!
- Cow: A beaver-tail cone surprise?
- The Red Guy: How about a beaver in a cone? [pulls out a beaver in a cone] SURPRISE! [leaps out of his ice cream truck] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I DON'T HAVE ANY ICE CREAM NONE WHATSOEVER! I don't even like ice cream. OR KIDS! It says "I Scream" on my truck, not ice cream! Get it? Cause... I SCREAM! Look at me. [spins in circles] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Ooh. [chuckles] Screaming is my hobby!
- Police Officer: [hits The Red Guy with sausage] It's the padded cell for you, scream man!
- Mom: How about some frozen Arbor Day piggie pops?
- Arbor Day Pig: PIGGIE POPS?! OKAY! THAT IS IT! TIME OUT! I've put enough with psychological torture for one pig! YOU GUYS ARE CANNIBALS! DO YOU HEAR ME?! YOU'RE ALL OFF YOUR NUT! [runs away screaming]
- Mom: What is up with that?
- Dad: You know, Mama, we lose more Arbor Day piggies that way.
- The Red Guy: No actual Arbor Day piggies were hurt during the making of this film. But I was. My feelings were hurt! More than once! There was the first time in scene 40 and that once in scene 57 and... did you know that I do my own STUNTS? No stunt double for The Red Guy, oh no, no, no, no. [looks around] Feiss will not spring for that, no! I'm not good enough for a STUNT DOUBLE! [starts sobbing] OH, LIFE'S NOT FAIR! Alright you can end now. [laughs] END!
The Cow and Chicken Blues/The Ballad of Cow and Chicken
- Red Guy: [last lines] Yeah! hold it, It was brilliant! Bravo! Get up, my little crab friends. Ow! oh, oh. Ow! oh, oh. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Easy with the pinchers. Ow! ow! oh. I did not have to bring you guys tonight! Looks like Red Guy always gets in the END! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
- Charles Adler
- Dee Bradley Baker
- Candi Milo
- Howard Morris
- Carlos Alazraqui
- Tom Kenny
- Dan Castellaneta
- Michael Dorn