Dad's Army

You stupid boy!

Dad's Army (1968-1977), British sitcom about the Home Guard in World War II by Jimmy Perry and David Croft. The show focuses on the Walmington-On-Sea platoon of the Home Guard, commanded by pompous bank manager Captain Mainwaring, assisted by his mild-mannered chief clerk, Sergeant Wilson. Other members of the platoon include: Lance Corporal Jones, an enthusiastic old soldier who now runs a butcher shop; Private Frazer, a pessimistic Scotsman and former Naval CPO; Private Godfrey, the elderly medical orderly; Private Pike, a naïve teenager and, by some distance, the youngest member of the platoon; and Private Walker, a black marketeer. This motley band of men provide Walmington-on-Sea's last line of defence against the threat of invasion from the Nazi hordes.

Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

Theme song

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr. Hitler?

Lyrics by Jimmy Perry, music by Derek Taverner, performed by Bud Flanagan.

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler

If you think we’re on the run?

We are the boys who will stop your little game!

We are the boys who will make you think again!

'Cause, who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler,

If you think old England’s done?

Mr Brown goes off to town on the eight twenty one,

But he comes home each evening and he’s ready with his gun.

[The following verse was omitted from the broadcast theme tune.]

So watch out, Mr Hitler,

You have met your match in us.

If you think you can crush us,

We're afraid you've missed the bus.

'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler,

If you think old England’s done?

Series One

"The Man and the Hour" [1.01]

[First lines. The episode opens in present-day Britain, this being 1968, and a group of people are sitting round a table as one man, Arthur Wilson, makes an introductory speech]

Wilson: And so... And so, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce our guest of honour - one of Walmington-on-Sea's most distinguished citizens. A man of many parts. A banker, soldier, magistrate, alderman and secretary of the Rotary Club. A good fellow all round. Ladies and gentlemen, Alderman George Mainwaring!

[Everyone claps their hands as George Mainwaring stands up]

Mainwaring: Mr Chairman, Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen. When I was first invited to be guest of honour tonight at the launching of Walmington-on-Sea's I'm Backing Britain Campaign, I accepted without hesitation. After all, I have always backed Britain.

Frazer: Hear, hear!

Mainwaring: I got into the habit of it in 1940, but then we ALL backed Britain.

Wilson: Hear, hear.

Mainwaring: It was the darkest hour in our history. The odds were absurdly against us, but, young and old, we stood there, defiant, determined to survive, to recover and, finally, to win.

Walker: Hear, hear.

Mainwaring: News was desperate, but our spirits were always high.

"Museum Piece" [1.02]

Jones: Don't be like that dad, there's a war on.

Jones' Dad: Oh, I wondered what the noise was.

"The Enemy Within the Gates" [1.04]

Polish Officer: You're supposed to keep a look out like soldiers, not talk like old women. What are your names?

Jones: Jones, sir.

Pike: Pike, sir.

Walker: Smith.

Jones: Walker.

Walker: Oh, thanks very much.

Polish Officer: It's no good you try and give me falseys.

Series Two

"Sgt. Wilson's Little Secret" [2.04]

[Note: The Loneliness of the Long Distance Walker (2.03), A Stripe for Frazer (2.05) and Under Fire (2.06) are missing episodes. In 2019, they were remade with a new cast.]

Series Three

"The Bullet Is Not For Firing" [3.04]

Vicar: Mr Mainwaring, if you can do your blood-curdling bayonet practice in the middle of my responses, I can do my Jubilate in the middle of your inquiry!

---

Jones: I was just going to give the order... just going to give the order... just going to give...

Mainwaring: What's the matter, Corporal?

Jones: I think I'm going, sir. I hear angels' voices!

Mainwaring: Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!

Jones: Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

---

Jones: Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.

Mainwaring: No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!

(BANG!)

(The platoon have instinctively followed the order and pulled the triggers on their guns, which were loaded, unknown to them. Pieces of debris rain down from the roof as the Vicar and Mr. Yeatman come rushing in)

Mr Yeatman: VANDALS!

Mainwaring: Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

"The Day the Balloon Went Up" [3.08]

[In the church yard, Private Godfrey is holding onto a rope which is attached

Mr Yeatman: (off camera) Help!

Godfrey: Oh, excuse me, Mr. Yeatman. If you could manage to hang onto this a little longer, I'll try and summon assistance.

[His sister, Cissy, is also watching from the church yard]

Cissy: Mr. Mainwaring! Oh, Mr. Mainwaring, the verger has been taken from us.

Mainwaring: Don't worry. We'll soon have him under control. (Runs over to Private Godfrey)

Godfrey: I'm very glad you're here, sir. Something rather odd seems to have happened to the Verger.

[The other men join]

Jones: Don't panic! Don't panic, Mr. Mainwaring!

Mainwaring: No intentions of panicking. Just working out what to do.

Cissy: Vicar, I heard a voice from above.

Vicar: Yes, yes, very distressing for you, Miss Godfrey.

Cissy: I thought an angel from on high was visiting him.

Vicar: Well, you would naturally.

Cissy: And then he cried out unto me, "Help. I'm caught in this ruddy string."

Mainwaring: Come on, all of you. Grab this cable and heave. (The men grab hold of the cable that's tied to the barrage balloon) Come on, Godfrey.

Godfrey: (handing out the walking stick to Mainwaring) Would you mind holding this, sir?

Mainwaring: Oh, throw it away, man!

Jones: Don't panic now. Don't panic, anyone.

Mr Yeatman: (off camera) Well somebody had better panic. This is killing me!

Mainwaring: Hold on, Verger! Help is at hand! Right, heave!

Walker: Oi! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Oi! Hang on, Hang on! Look, it's twisted around that weathercock thing, round the steeple.

Mainwaring: Ah, so it is. (to Wilson) Sergeant Wilson!

Wilson: (from a distance off camera) Yes, coming, sir! (Exits the church tower) Coming, sir!

Mainwaring: You quickly run up the tower and then climb up the steeple.

Wilson: Oh, my God!

Frazer: There's no time for all that palaver. One good heave will bring it away. Come on, come on. Heave!

Wilson: Oh, that's done it.

Walker: Look out, Vicar!

[Sand falls on Cissy and the Vicar]

Cissy: Ohh. Oh, Vicar, do you think this is a judgement on us?

Vicar: You speak for yourself! I haven't done anything.

Mainwaring: Right, here he comes. Steady does it. Grab him. (The men pull Mr. Yeatman gently to the ground) That's it.

Walker: There you are, Verger.

Mainwaring: Right, undo him, Walker.

Walker: Right.

Mainwaring: Hang on, the rest of you.

Pike: You're all flushed.

Man: There we are, son.

Pike: How did it happen, Mr. Yeatman?

Mr Yeatman: Well I saw this cable thing wrapped round a lamp post.

Jones: Well, Let that be a lesson to you not to touch things that don't really concern you. You're a troublemaker, you're a troublemaker.

Mainwaring: Jones! Jones! Jones!

Walker: What are we gonna do?

Mainwaring: We're gonna hang on for a minute while we think what to do.

Godfrey: Perhaps if we all let go, suddenly it might might float away.

Mainwaring: Can't do that. If this cable goes across any high-tension wires, it could black out a whole county.

Frazer: We cannae hang on here for the rest of our bloomin' lives.

Wilson: Perhaps if we brought the whole thing down a bit further, we could grab onto the ropes attached to the balloon itself.

Mainwaring: Ah, that's a very good idea. Now when I tell you, heave.

Jones: I've got a good idea. If we brought it down a bit further, we could grab hold of the things which are attached to the balloon itself.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Corporal. Right, one, two, three...

Men: Heave!

Mainwaring: One more.

Men: Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave!

Mainwaring: Right, grab a rope, Pike! Walker!

Walker: Right, sir! Right, sir!

Mainwaring: Jones.

Jones: I'm going to grab hold of one of these, I am. (Grabs a rope that's attached to the barrage balloon)

Mainwaring: (off camera) Well done.

[Then, Mr. Hodges arrives and speaks to Private Walker]

Hodges: Oi! Oi! Who's in charge here?

Walker: Oi! Who are you knocking about?

Hodges: Where's Mainwaring?

Walker: He's piggy in the middle.

[Mr. Hodges walks up to Mainwaring]

Hodges: Just what sort of game do you think you're playing?

Mainwaring: One of these days, I'll have you suspended.

Hodges: Don't stand there muttering threats. Get that thing shifted! You should never have been allowed to bring it here in the first place.

Mainwaring: Now look here, Warden, this is a runaway barrage balloon, and we're trying to control it to prevent any further damage.

Hodges: Well, get on the phone to the RAF, then, instead of hanging on here like Winnie-the-Pooh.

Mainwaring: That's exactly what I aim to do.

Hodges: Well, hurry up then.

Mainwaring: Right, come along, Wilson.

Wilson: (off camera) Right, sir.

[Mainwaring lets go of his rope and everyone starts shouting]

Men: Hey! Hey!

Mainwaring: Vicar! Come and lend a hand with one of these ropes while we phone for help.

Vicar: Come along, Mr. Yeatman.

Mr Yeatman: No, Vicar. I'm not going up for a second time.

Walker: Oh, don't worry, Verger, lightning never strikes twice.

Mr Yeatman: It does in our family. I was one of twins.

[The camera cuts to Hodges, Mainwaring and Godfrey]

Mainwaring: Now hold steady, everybody, and we'll go and phone for help.

Godfrey: Excuse me, sir. Before you go, do you think I might be excused for a minute?

Mainwaring: Oh, don't be ridiculous. (Leaves the scene) Come on, Wilson.

Hodges: Hey! HEY! If you think I'm hanging on here, you're mistaken!

Walker: Oi! Here, just pretend you're the Statue of Liberty.

Hodges: This is a military matter and my duty is to see that he phones properly. (to Cissy) Oi, Miss Godfrey, cop hold of this. Come on, dear, get hold of it. Come on.

Jones: That's no good. There's not much meat on her.

Hodges: Don't worry. She's got big bones. (Leaves Cissy to hold onto the rope)

Godfrey: Be brave, and Remember Joan of Arc.

"Menace from the Deep" [3.10]

[In the Vicar's office at St Aldhelm's Church, Captain Mainwaring and his men are discussing their latest assignment which involves a visit to a partially destroyed pier which has been drawn on the blackboard]

Mainwaring: Now, before we move off, I'll just... go through the details once more.

Wilson: Oh, lord. Not again.

Mainwaring: What did you say, sergeant?

Wilson: I'm sorry, sir. I beg your pardon. Sorry.

Mainwaring: Now we've been entrusted with a highly responsible task of manning the machine gun post at the end of the pier here for the next four nights. (Points his stick to the machine gun which is at the end of the pier on the blackboard) Now. Ahem! (Points his stick to the gap in the middle of the partially destroyed pier) You'll observe that the pier has been blown up in the middle here. Now that's to stop the enemy from landing troops there. Now I think you'll agree with me that we shall need a boat to get us from this point of the pier here... to this end of the pier here.

Walker: Hear, hear.

Mainwaring: That'll do, Walker. Now, we have a dinghy but unfortunately, it will only hold three people at a time, so we shall have to make several trips. We shall also need somebody to row the boat.

[Lance-Corporal Jones stands up]

Jones: Permission to speak, sir? I'd like to volunteer to row the boat from that end of the pier to that end of the pier, sir.

Mainwaring: Yes, but I think it should be somebody who's more used to it.

Jones: No no no, let me, let me do it, sir.

Mainwaring: Corporal, sit down. Sit down. (Jones sits down) Frazer, you were in the navy. You can row the boat.

Frazer: Aye, sir.

Mainwaring: Now the plan is this. We shall all proceed to the end of the pier here... (Points his stick at the left end of the pier) and we shall embark from these steps, here. (Points his stick at the bottom of the steps) Now you, Frazer, will take Sergeant Wilson and myself over first. Then you'll row back and pick up Walker and Jones, take them across. Then you'll row back and pick up Pike and Godfrey, row them across. And then...

Walker: Row back and pick up yourself.

Mainwaring: I shan't tell you again, Walker.

"No Spring for Frazer" [3.13]

Having cleaned and returned a Lewis gun

Frazer: Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.

Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.

Frazer: If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.

Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.

Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.

Mainwaring: Your workshop?

Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.

Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.

Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

Series Four

"Boots, Boots, Boots" [4.03]

[Captain Mainwaring and his men are parading in the church hall]

Mainwaring: So to sum up. Whatever form of transport we use, whether it be bicycles, Jones' van, or any other form of vehicular transport, the whole thing boils down to one thing in the end - the three Fs. Fast feet, functional feet and, last but not least, fit feet. I have got here two diagrams issued by the Royal Army Medical Corps... (Opens a diagram of someone's foot) and the first one... (Shows his men the diagram) ...shows what a good foot should be. Now, take the first metatarsal here... (Points to the first metatarsal)

Jones: Permission to speak, sir?

Mainwaring: Yes?

Jones: I am not formed as other men, sir. My foot's not the same as that, sir.

Walker: Blimey, don't tell me they're webbed!

Mainwaring: All right. That'll do, Walker. (to Jones) In what way is your foot different, Jones?

Jones: Well, sir, I haven't got a first meta meta... I've got a big toe there, sir.

Mainwaring: Metatarsal is the medical term for toe, Jones.

Jones: Thank you very much, sir.

Mainwaring: We have the first metatarsal, second metatarsal, third metatarsal, fourth metatarsal, and last but not least...

Walker: The little piggy that went wee-wee-wee-wee-wee all the way home.

Wilson: (Laughs)

Mainwaring: Not really a laughing matter, Wilson.

Wilson: Well, funny.

Mainwaring: Hold that for a minute. (Gives Wilson the other rolled up diagram)

Wilson: Right, sir, yes.

[Mainwaring shows the men the diagram again]

Mainwaring: Now, you see how perfectly the line of the boot is, no pinching and no cramping. Now, in contrast to that, I'm going to show you something rather nasty. (to Wilson) Show them your foot, Wilson.

Wilson: I beg your pardon?

Mainwaring: Unroll your foot.

Wilson: Well, I really I don't quite...

Mainwaring: The di... Let them see the diagram!

Wilson: Why didn't you say so, sir? It's quite simple. (Unrolls the other diagram that was issued by the RAMC which is of a ravaged foot)

Mainwaring: Now there you see what can happen in a really bad-fitting shoe. So obviously, the first thing I'm going to do is check your boots and see that your feet fit into them properly.

Wilson: Right, sir.

Mainwaring: Right, Sponge. (Inspects Private Sponge's left foot and feels the left boot) Yes, yes, that seems all right... all right. Pike.

[Private Pike sticks his left foot out and Mainwaring inspects his left boot]

Pike: Are my metatarsals fighting fit?

Mainwaring: Yes, they're very good, Pike. (Gets up) Very goo... good indeed.

Wilson: All right, sir?

Mainwaring: Yes, thank you, Sergeant. (Turns to Godfrey and feels his left boot) Godfrey, ohh. Put your foot up, Godfrey. (Godfrey raises his left foot) No, higher than that. (Godfrey raises his foot a bit more but he starts to wobble and gets hold of Mainwaring) Whoa! Oh! (to Wilson) Get me a chair. Get me a chair.

Wilson: Chair, er, Pike, please.

[Pike goes to get a chair]

Godfrey: None of us are getting any younger, are we, sir?

Mainwaring: Look to your front! (Pike returns with a chair) ...Long time since that happened... (Godfrey sits on the chair, but then Mainwaring turns to him) That chair's to put your foot on, Godfrey.

Godfrey: Oh, I'm so sorry. (Stands up and puts his left foot on the chair)

Mainwaring: Yes, well that seems all right, yes. That should carry you a good 20 miles.

Godfrey: Thank you for your confidence, sir.

[Pike moves the chair backwards as Mainwaring turns to Walker]

Mainwaring: Right, put your foot up, Walker.

Walker: No need to worry about me, Mr. Mainwaring, my feet are fine.

Mainwaring: Put your foot up.

Walker: No, I'm telling you, they're fine and now, I've had my feet...

Mainwaring: Do as you're told! (Walker puts his right foot on the chair) Rather big feet, haven't you? I didn't realise what big feet you had, Walker.

Walker: Well you know what they say, "Big feet, big..."

Mainwaring: Big what?

Walker: Just an expression.

[Mainwaring turns to Wilson]

Mainwaring: What's he talking about? (Wilson whispers to him) Really? His nose looks absolutely normal to me. (Starts inspecting Walker's foot, looks at Walker again and inspects Walker's foot) Hello. Something strange here, Wilson.

Wilson: Why strange, sir?

Mainwaring: Very strange indeed. (Uncovers the front of Walker's boot and discovers a proper shoe inside) What's the meaning of that?

Walker: Well it's more comfy.

Mainwaring: Those are government property and you've ruined them!

Walker: No, they're not the ones I was issued with. I've 200 pairs down in the stores. Listen, I'll let you have some if you like...

Mainwaring: All right, that'll do. See me afterwards. (Pike pulls the chair backwards as Mainwaring turns to Jones) Corporal.

Jones: Huh? You don't wanna worry about my feet, sir. I've got pretty feet, sir, very pretty feet. You know, when I was in India, my feet was the talk of the cantonment. I was wandering one day nonchalantly through the bazaar by way of the shore down to the river, and I noticed a young native woman, and she was doing a spot of dobeying, soo I quickly stopped, whipped off my socks and my boots, sir, to wash my feet, you understand - when I heard her come murmuring towards me, "Sundebaha, sundebaha". That means, "You have got pretty feet." But d'you know, sir, I noticed one thing about that young woman I didn't notice before, sir, she was stripped to the waist, sir, stripped to the waist, she was. They do a lot of that...

Mainwaring: All right, all right! Anyway, they seem in tip-top condition.

Jones: Yes, sir, well I always like to bathe them in tea. When we was in the Sudan, we always bathed them in tea, sir.

Mainwaring: Tea?

Jones: Yes, sir.

Godfrey: What a good idea. Indian or China?

Mainwaring: Don't be insolent, Godfrey. (to the platoon) Right! Well, it seems to me we've got a great deal of work to do to get our feet up to scratch. So starting from next weekend, we're going to do a series of long route marches.

"Don't Fence Me In" [4.05]

(Trying to find someone to open the door of a prisoner of war camp)

Jones: Is anybody there? Is anybody there? If you are not there, say so.

"The Test" [4.10]

Watching Hodges' opening bowler walking to his mark

Mainwaring: Where is he going?

Hodges: It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ("The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman).

Mainwaring: What?

Hodges: I'm gonna enjoy this.

(The Bowler runs in and Mainwaring is beaten for pace and knocked off his feet)

Hodges: (Laughing) Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?

Mainwaring: He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.

"A. Wilson (Manager)?" [4.11]

[Mainwaring has just received two phone calls informing him that Wilson has been made manager of the Eastgate branch and Wilson has been commissioned. Shortly afterwards the phone rings again]

Mainwaring: Yes, Mainwaring here.

Vicar: Good Morning Mr. Mainwaring, Vicar here.

Mainwaring: What are you going to tell me about Wilson; that he's been made Archbishop of Canterbury?

"Uninvited Guests" [4.12]

[Captain Mainwaring has gone into the Vicar's office to have a word with Mr Hodges]

Mainwaring: Now look here, Hodges.

Hodges: No, you look here, Mainwaring. My headquarters has been put out of action and I have official permission to use these premises here.

Mainwaring: On whose authority?

Hodges: See for yourself. (Opens a piece of paper) There you are. (Passes the paper onto Mainwaring) Now I'm, I'm a reasonable sort of man. I know you and I've had our differences in the past, but we are both on the same side and I want to be generous. I don't want to, er, well, I don't want to er, you know, be stand-offish and uh, I'm prepared to go shares with you. So I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Now, this half here with your chair, you can have. This half here is me. Right? Draw a line here like this. Got it? (Uses some chalk to draw a line) Here we are, down the wall.

Mainwaring: Just a moment. What are you doing?

Hodges: Now now, Mainwaring, when it comes to the desk, you keep your stuff over there, and I'll keep my stuff over here, alright? (Draws a chalk line on the desk)

Mainwaring: How dare you mark my desk? (Rubs the chalk line off the desk using a cloth)

Hodges: I'm only trying to fair and reasonable.

Mainwaring: Rub this out at once.

Hodges: Then I shall chalk in again. I can chalk quicker than you can rub, mate. There. That'll be enough of that. Now, you've probably noticed both the doors here are in my half. Now, I want to be fair so I'm going to draw a chalk line on the floor like this here. (Draws a chalk line on the floor) There we are, and another one like this here. Now that's Tom Tiddler's ground.

Mainwaring: Oh, I've had enough of this nonsense.

Hodges: You're standing on my bit. Get off. Now, the only thing I have to insist on is the telephone. (Places the telephone on his side of the desk) That has to be on my side.

Mainwaring: Oh, no it doesn't. That is my artery of communication. If Hitler invades, anywhere along the coast first, that is how I shall learn of it.

Hodges: Yes, and it's MY artery every time a siren sounds. If Hitler's coming, I'll take a message for you.

Mainwaring: (Moves the telephone back to his side of the desk) That stays there, and I'll give you five seconds to get out of my office.

Hodges: One, two, three, four, five, I'm not going. (Places the telephone back on his side of the desk)

Mainwaring: Oh? Oh? Right. (Goes to the door to shout out for help) Wilson! Jones!

Jones: Yes, sir?

Mainwaring: Escort this person from my headquarters.

Hodges: Look, mate, I'm staying, this is MY headquarters.

Mainwaring: (to Wilson and Jones) Carry my orders out.

Wilson: Right, would you mind awfully leaving the office as the captain says?

Hodges: (showing the paper) Look, I've got official permission. There it is in black and white.

[Jones draws his bayonet through Hodges' piece of paper]

Jones: If you don't move out of here, you'll get this right up you and you will not like it.

Hodges: Now, look here, Gandhi...

Jones: What?!

Hodges: Look, you haven't heard the last of this. I'm telling you. You haven't heard the last of it.

Wilson: (off camera) Get off.

Mainwaring: Well done, Jones.

Jones: They don't like the old cold steel, sir, most of them cannot countenance it.

Mainwaring: Right, let's resume our lecture. (Goes into the hall, followed by Jones)

[Mr. Yeatman is busy trimming the hedge when Mr. Hodges approaches him]

Hodges: He's done it this time! He's done it!

Mr Yeatman: Wha, Whatever's up, Mr. Hodges? You look as if you're a soul in torment.

Hodges: Fetch him. Fetch the vicar. It's that Mainwaring. Oooh, I shall have to sit down. I'm having a funny turn. (Sits on a bench)

Mr Yeatman: You sit down and I'll get His Reverence.

Hodges: He threatened me with a bayonet!

Mr Yeatman: Never!

Hodges: Is too - a bayonet!

Mr Yeatman: He who liveth by the sword shall die by the sword. And that goes for bayonets, and all.

[Back inside the church hall, Captain Mainwaring and his men are continuing their lecture with tin cans and pieces of string]

Mainwaring: Now, you're not going over when I say "over". So let's do it in turns, shall we? All my file will say it first, and then Wilson's file say it after. Right, one, two, three. (Speaks through his can) Over.

Men on Wilson's side: Over.

Men on Mainwaring's side: Over.

Men on Wilson's side: Over.

Mainwaring: That's better.

Jones: I think I've got the hang of it, sir. Can I do it on my own?

Mainwaring: We're not quite ready for that, Jones.

Jones: Oh, let me go solo, let me go solo sir.

Mainwaring: Oh, very well.

Walker: This should be good.

Jones: (speaks through his tin) Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Hello, all stations. Charlie One. Report my signals, all stations. Charlie One. Over.

Walker: (off camera) Blimey.

Mainwaring: That was very good, Jones.

Jones: Thank you, sir.

Mainwaring: Excellent. You got that quite correct.

Jones: Thank you very much, sir. I bet they all thought I couldn't do that.

Pike: You did it beautiful.

Jones: Yeah, I'm not such a fool as I may think I am.

Mainwaring: All right, now let's try it again. Tighten your strings.

Jones: Right, sir. Sir.

Mainwaring: Right. Now, keep the strings tight.

[The vicar enters the hall with Mr. Yeatman, Gerald and Mr. Hodges]

Vicar: Mr. Mainwaring, I have given Mr. Hodges here permission to use my office. Now I understand he's been molested.

Mainwaring: Look. Vicar, I'm very busy. Supposing I see you in my office in twenty minutes' time.

Vicar: It is not your office. It is MY office, and I have lent it to Mr. Hodges.

Hodges: Heh, what did I say? I told him, didn't I? I told him.

Gerald: You did.

Mainwaring: You're interrupting vital training for the defence of the realm. Kindly go away.

Vicar: No, I will not, and I want to get to my office so kindly take all your silly little bits of string out of my way.

Mainwaring: I will not.

Vicar: Well, I shall report you to the bishop and to the police.

Mainwaring: Oh, don't be so damn childish.

Mr Yeatman: Don't you profane His Reverence like that!

Mainwaring: (to Mr Yeatman) Don't let's have any impertinence from you, either.

Mr Yeatman: Oh, so that's the way it is, is it? Follow me, Vicar. (Uses his shears to cut the strings that are tied to the platoon's tins)

---

[after talking (for a considerable time) about how he had seen a curse]

Frazer: DEATH! THE RUBY WILL BRING YE DEATH! DE-E-ATH!

Pike: Did the curse come true, Mr. Frazer?

Frazer: Aye son it did, he died....last year, he was 86.

"Fallen Idol" [4.13]

Drinking game in the officers' mess: being made a Cardinal

Mainwaring: (tipsy) Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Square: (laughs) What's that got to do with it?

Mainwaring: It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it?

Square: It's the wrong denomination.

Mainwaring: Wrong denomi-...nomination?

Square: Yes, it's RC. You wanted C of E.

Mainwaring: Yes. Right. (raises his glass) Here's to the health...of the Duchess of York...who's a friend of Cardinal Puff-Puff-Puff-Puff!

Series Five

"Keep Young and Beautiful" [5.02]

[Sergeant Wilson is waiting for Godfrey, Frazer and Jones to fall in as quickly as possible]

Wilson: Come on. Come on, gents, hurry up, hurry up. Come on. Come on, Godfrey.

[Privates Godfrey and Frazer enter with makeup and black hair and join the platoon. Then, Lance-Corporal Jones comes in with black hair and looks at Sergeant Wilson]

Jones: Oh, there you are.

Wilson: Over there.

Jones: Oh, right. (Joins the platoon, but he stands in front of Frazer)

Wilson: All right, Jones, fall in. Quick as you can. Come on.

Walker: Come on, Jonesy. Come on. (Drags Corporal Jones into position) In you get.

Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant. Only without my specs, I'm a bit hard of seeing.

Wilson: Yes, of course. Right, squad. (Jones stamps his foot) Wait for it, Jones.

Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant, I'm a bit too alert this morning.

Wilson: Yes, of course you are. Right, squad, attention!

[The platoon stamps their feet, with Jones doing it last]

Jones: Is that better?

Wilson: No, it wasn't really much better, but it doesn't matter. (to Mainwaring who comes in) Platoon ready for your inspection, sir.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Sergeant. Now, I think you all know me well enough to know that this inspection by the Area Commander is very much against my wishes. However, orders are orders. But if any of you are urged to join the ARP against your wishes, I shall complain to the very highest authority possible.

Men: Thank you very much, sir.

[Captain Mainwaring and Sergeant Wilson start inspecting the men, with Private Pike going first]

Mainwaring: I think you'll be all right, Pike.

Pike: Yes, sir.

Mainwaring: And you, Walker. (Goes to Jones) And... Who is this?

Wilson: I think that's Jones, sir.

Mainwaring: Jones? What on earth have you been doing to yourself?

Jones: I didn't want to leave you, Captain Mainwaring, nor these brave troops that you captain and I lance corporal. Private Frazer's fixed me up.

Mainwaring: What's the meaning of this, Frazer?

Frazer: (Mutters)

Walker: What did Horace say, Winnie?

Jones: He's not speaking very plainly this afternoon, sir, on the account that his cheeks is puffed up with cotton wool.

Mainwaring: Did you know about this?

Wilson: Yes, I did, sir, but I turned a blind eye to it.

Mainwaring: Well, you've no business to. I'm the only one with authority to turn blind eye. (Goes over to Godfrey who has put makeup on) God. Godfrey? Whatever's happened to you?

Godfrey: Well, it's Mr. Frazer's fluid, sir. It stretches the skin.

Mainwaring: This is ridiculous. He looks like Madame Butterfly. (to Godfrey) Get it off at once!

Godfrey: I don't think I can, sir.

Mainwaring: How long does it last, Frazer?

Frazer: (Mutters)

Mainwaring: What did he say?

Jones: He says he's never dug anyone up to have a look.

[Then, Mr Hodges walks in]

Hodges: Ah, there you are, Napoleon.

Mainwaring: How dare you barge in here like that in the middle of parade! What do you want?

Wilson: Clear off, will you?

Hodges: I just wanted you to know, if you've got any ideas about getting me into your shower, forget it. Look. (Removes his helmet to reveal that his hair is now white)

Mainwaring: Very distinguished.

Hodges: Not bad, eh?

Walker: Wait till he tries to get it off.

Mainwaring: I can't think why you went to all that trouble.

Hodges: Why? Because I'd rather look 107 than serve under you. That's why.

Mainwaring: I see. Pity it doesn't show under the hat.

Hodges: Well, what if it doesn't? I'll stoop. That's what I'll do, I'll stoop a bit. Yes, stoop. (The men start talking) They're not getting me into your squad, Mainwaring. The way I'm going on parade, they wouldn't even have me in the Chelsea Pensioners.

[The men start talking again until Captain Mainwaring speaks]

Mainwaring: Now I don't approve of this ridiculous charade, but it's too late to do anything about it. So be it on your own heads.

Wilson: That was rather witty, sir.

Mainwaring: Carry on, sergeant.

Wilson: Aye, sir. (Turns to the platoon) Attention. Platoon, left, turn. (The platoon turns left) By the right, quick march. Left wheel. (The men start marching as Jones walks up to Mainwaring)

Mainwaring: That way, Corporal. (Turns Jones round so that he follows the others)

"If the Cap Fits..." [5.06]

[Captain Mainwaring is giving his platoon a lecture on German infantrymen, panzer crew and parachutists. He is currently teaching them about an infantryman]

Mainwaring: Now I want you to notice the dozy expression on this man's face. Quite different, you see, from the British, keen, alert. (Notices Godfrey sleeping) Godfrey. Godfrey. (Laugh track drowns out his speech of "Wake him up")

Frazer: Come on.

Walker: Hey, come on, be keen and alert.

Godfrey: I'm sorry, sir. I must have dropped off. It's rather stuffy in here.

Mainwaring: Yes, it is. I'm afraid you'll have to put up with it. We're on active service now, you know, Godfrey. Now it's quite on the cards that the first Germans we shall encounter will be parachutists. Now I'm going to show you one or two pictures of them. Can we have the first parachutist, Corporal, please?

Jones: Yes, right, sir. Right, all right. Keep back, keep back. Right, sir. Right, click!

[Jones puts on the picture of a parachutist, upside-down]

Mr Yeatman: It's upside down! You've done it. I knew you'd put one in upside down.

Jones: It's not upside down, it's just...

Mainwaring: Of course it's upside down.

Walker: Excuse me, sir. I think Jonesy's right. Perhaps his parachute didn't open and he landed on his head!

Mainwaring: Don't be absurd, Walker. (To Jones) Put it the other way around.

Jones: Right, sir. Right, sir. (Flips the picture the right way up)

Wilson: Parachutist, second lieutenant.

Pike: Mainwaring?

Mainwaring: Yes?

Pike: Why has he got such titchy legs?

Walker: They're not titchy legs, that's his uniform. It's cut low. The crotch is cut low.

[Mainwaring looks at the picture of the second lieutenant parachutist]

Mainwaring: I wouldn't call that low.

Frazer: Stuffing, sir.

Mainwaring: What did you say, Frazer?

Frazer: Protection. Padding for protection.

Walker: That's right, sir. In case he lands on iron railings.

Jones: That's right. Joe's right, sir. They don't like landing on iron railings. They don't like it up 'em!

Mainwaring: All right. All right. Yes, you may have a point there, uh, Walker.

Godfrey: Sir, all the iron railings have been taken away for scrap.

Mainwaring: The Germans don't know that, do they?

Pike: Where's his gun?

Walker: Perhaps he left it in the plane when he jumped.

Mainwaring: Walker. Walker, one more word out of you and I shall ask you to leave this lecture.

[Then, Mr Hodges enters the church hall]

Hodges: Evening, Napoleon.

Mainwaring: What do you want?

Hodges: I want to have a word with the verger.

Mr Yeatman: Oh, I'm sorry I can't stop now, Mr Hodges, I'm standing by to see there's no incorrect use of the vicar's apparatus.

Hodges: What are you all doing crouching in here with the blackouts up?

Mainwaring: If you must know, I'm giving a lecture.

Hodges: A lecture? You're looking at funny photos.

Mainwaring: Funny photos?

Hodges: Yeah. Pin-ups, girls with no phwoar!

Mainwaring: Girls with no... How dare you?! Leave this hall at once!

Hodges: I'm not going till I've seen the verger.

Mainwaring: Well, sit down until I've finished the lecture. And listen, you might learn something.

Hodges: Right. Carry on.

Wilson: German Navy!

Mainwaring: Just a mo... Just a, just a moment. Just a minute. I'll give the orders here.

Wilson: I beg your pardon.

[The men start talking until Mainwaring stops them]

Mainwaring: Quiet.

Wilson: Shall I go now, sir?

Mainwaring: Yes. Carry on.

Wilson: Right, Thank you very much. German Navy, admiral of the line. The number of rings worn denote the rank.

Mainwaring: Right let's have the slide, Corporal.

Jones: Yes. Yes, sir. Sorry, sir, I've just, I'm just getting into a bit of a muddle here. (to Mr. Yeatman) Stand back. Stand back.

Mainwaring: I'll sort this out.

Jones: Yes, Right, sir. Right, ready, sir. Ready.

Mainwaring: Read it out again, Wilson.

Wilson: All right, sir. German Navy, admiral of the line. The number of rings worn denotes the rank.

Jones: Click! (Puts on the next slide off-camera and the slide turns out to be a picture of a topless Zulu woman)

[Mainwaring walks up to Mr. Yeatman and Corporal Jones while the camera fades to black]

"Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel" [5.12]

[Captain Mainwaring and his platoon are inside a crypt discussing their latest assignment]

Mainwaring: Now what I have to say to you must not go outside this crypt. You understand?

Men: Yes, sir. Yes.

Mainwaring: Now, on Saturday, a new secret weapon is being tested on the disused airfield, and we have been detailed for special duties.

Frazer: What exactly will we have to do, sir?

Mainwaring: I don't know yet, Frazer, but Captain Stewart has left a list of the articles that we have to bring along with us. So, perhaps we can deduce something from that. (to Wilson) Have you got the list, Wilson?

Wilson': Yes, I have, sir. Have it somewhere here.

Mainwaring: Read it out, would you, please?

Wilson: Yes, right, here. Uh, right. Uh, Three knives and three shovels.

Mainwaring: Three knives and three shovels. Now, what are we to hazard from that?

Walker: Well, I think I've got it, Captain Mainwaring. If we find a fifth columnist, we kill him, and then we bury him.

Mainwaring: Now, look, Walker. Don't start. (to Wilson) What else is on the list?

Wilson: (Reads out the list) Three bars of soap, three scrubbing brushes and three buckets.

Jones: Perhaps it's a dirty secret weapon. And we gotta clean it, see?

Mainwaring: No, I shouldn't think so, Corporal. No, I think they have experts for that sort of work. However, whatever it is, I'm sure you'll all back me up to the hilt.

Men: Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Jones: Sir, I've just been struck by something deadly.

Walker: Don't tell me there are scorpions down here.

Jones: Sir, I look at it this way, we're now all put in possession of highly secret information. Now, supposing we was captured by an enemy agent, sir. How long could we stand out against torture before we revealed ourselves?

Mainwaring: I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy now, Jones.

Jones: Just a minute, Mr Mainwaring, don't give me that realms of what's-his-name, please. This is vital. I could be tortured, any of us could.

Mainwaring: Oh, pull yourself together, Jones.

Jones: No, sir. No, sir. I must awake you to this deadly danger, sir.

Mainwaring: (to Wilson) Get him back in the line.

Wilson: All right. All right. Go back in the line. Calm down! Come on, come on, get back into the ranks. Go on.

Pike: Mr Mainwaring.

Mainwaring: Yes?

Pike: They might use that torture where they tip your head back and pour gallons of water down you.

Godfrey: Oh, dear. I don't think I can stand very much of that.

Jones: Captain Mainwaring, I'd like to volunteer to be tortured, sir. I'd like to be the guinea pig, sir. I would like to suffer. I demand to suffer, sir! I demand to suffer, sir!

Frazer: Shut up! (Slaps Jones)

Jones: What'd you that for? That hurt. Sir, he hit me.

Frazer: I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring. As you can see, the corporal was getting hysterical. He's getting us all on edge.

Mainwaring: All right, all right. Back in the ranks. Calm down.

Wilson: Keep quiet.

Mainwaring: Settle down.

Wilson: Quiet.

Mainwaring: Now. I must warn you that, whatever else happens, we've got to...

Wilson: 'Scuse me, sir.

Mainwaring: Yes?

Wilson: There is somebody lurking in the shadows.

Mainwaring: Pretend you haven't seen him.

Wilson: Yes, all right, sir.

Mainwaring: Act nonchalantly and change places with me.

Wilson: Right, sir.

Mainwaring: Now. (Switches places with Wilson)

Wilson: All right, sir?

Mainwaring: All right, yes. (Clears his throat) Now, I must point out to you that... (Walks up to Mr Hodges, who has just entered the crypt) Get your hands in the air!

[The men start jeering because of Mr. Hodges' presence]

Pike: Look who it is.

Mainwaring: How dare you spy on us.

Hodges: I wasn't spying on you. The light from your candles was flickering through the grating! A Jerry plane would see it from miles away. And don't point that gun at me.

Wilson: Good Lord, sir, he must've heard everything we said.

Walker: Blimey, He'll blow the gaff.

Hodges: Of course I won't. I'm fighting for my country the same as you are.

Jones: You can't rely on him, sir. A couple of drinks and he's a right blabbermouth. That secret will be all round the Red Lion before closing time.

Mainwaring: I think you're right, Jones. We can't afford to take a risk.

Frazer: Cap'n Mainwaring, I could. I could screw him down in one of my coffins.

Wilson: Don't be silly, Frazer. For heaven's sake, he'd suffocate.

Frazer: Well, if you're fussy I could bore a wee hole.

Mainwaring: Get back in your place, Frazer.

Pike: Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring. You're entitled to. Shoot him.

Mainwaring: Oh, be quiet, Pike. There's only one thing for it, we shall have to take him with us. Meanwhile, he'll have to be watched in case he talks to anybody.

Walker: Well, I can watch him during the daytime, sir. I can help him out in his greengrocer shop.

Hodges: I'm not having him in my shop, he'll cheat the customers.

Walker: That'll make two of us. (Mr Hodges lashes out at him but Mainwaring drags him away)

Hodges: Take your hands off me.

Mainwaring: Be quiet!

Godfrey: Captain Mainwaring, I could look after him at night.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Godfrey.

Hodges: I'm not sleeping with that old man!

Godfrey: You mean I don't snore or anything?

Mainwaring: Now look here, Hodges, for eavesdropping on us, you could be prosecuted under the Official Secrets Act.

Hodges: Rubbish.

Mainwaring: So do as you're told. Now, we've been detailed for highly secret and special duties. That's a great honour and I'm not having it ruined by you. Believe me, Mr Chief Warden, you've got to be pretty special to be picked for special duties.

(Mr Hodges grins)

---

Mainwaring is not surprised to hear Wilson defending Captain Stewart

Mainwaring: You both went to public schools, didn't you?

Wilson: You know, I can't help feeling, Sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.

Mainwaring: There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson. I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though: three pips, and don't you forget it.

"Time on My Hands" [5.13]

German airman: Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! (Please, sir! Oh, please, please!)

Jones: It's no good trying to apologise.

German airman: Schnell! Schnell! (Quick! Quick!)

Jones: Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.

Series Six

"The Deadly Attachment" [6.01]

Video version, on Youtube

German U-boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.

Captain Mainwaring: You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war!

U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are.

Mainwaring: Oh no, you're not.

U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are!

Pvt. Pike: [Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!

U-boat Captain: Your name will also go on the list! What is it?

Mainwaring: Don't tell him Pike!

U-boat Captain: Pike!

---

Later on, after the tables have turned courtesy of a foolish mistake by Hodges, the platoon are ordered to accompany the German crew on their boat, to protect them from the Navy (who will not blow up their boat if there are British men aboard):

U-boat Captain: When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!

---

U-boat Captain: Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!

Jones: Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!

U-boat Captain: Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.

Frazer: A terrible way to die!

Mainwaring: (to the U-boat captain) You unspeakable swine!

"The Honourable Man" [6.05]

[The Vicar is riding his bicycle along a country lane when Sergeant Wilson speeds past him on the motorbike, causing him to cycle into the grass beside the road. He then gets off his bicycle]

Vicar: Ooh, you silly man!

"The Recruit" [6.07]

(about Mr Yeatman)

Frazer: He has a face like a sour prune.

---

The Vicar has just joined the platoon, and Mainwaring is not happy about it.

Vicar: Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't.

Mainwaring: But you're not married.

Vicar: I have a very vivid imagination.

---

[Captain Mainwaring and his platoon have returned to the church hall after their evening duty]

Frazer: Ah, sir. He's a cheeky, wee devil. He deserved a good skelping.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Frazer. (to Wilson) All right, if you've got all the details down, Wilson, I'll sign it, and we can put it on record. Although, from my experience in these matters, that's the last we shall hear of it.

Wilson: Yes.

[Then, Mr. Hodges enters the hall with the Scottish boy who has turned out to be his nephew Hamish]

Hodges: Right, Mainwaring, get your jacket off and come outside!

Mainwaring: (Turns to Hodges and Hamish) What are you talking about? How dare you come barging in here?

Hodges: Hamish. Repeat what you just told me.

Hamish: (points to Mr. Yeatman with his newspaper) That's the one, Uncle Willy. He hit me time and time again.

Mainwaring: (off camera) Uncle Willy?

Man in Platoon: Uncle Willy?

Hodges: Oh.

Hamish: (points to Jones) And he pointed his bayonet at me! (Turns to Mainwaring) And that fat, pompous one said (Plummy accent) "Just run along or my sergeant will put his belt across your backside."

Hodges: Yeah, so that's your mark, isn't it, Mainwaring? Bullying little boys. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Come on, try having a go at me. Come on. Come on.

Mainwaring: Hold my glasses, Wilson. (Gives his glasses to Sergeant Wilson) All right.

Jones: Just a minute, sir. Allow me, sir! Don't you tangle with him in your crippled state. I'll do it for you, sir.

Frazer: No, no, Jonesy. Man, you're too old, too old. Here. (Starts acting like a fighter) Come on, put them up, put them up.

Hodges: Oh, yes, that's very nice, that's very nice, that is. Yeah, eight against one.

Pike: No, it's only seven. I'm not feeling very well.

Hodges: (Points to the platoon) Right, that settles it. I'm bringing a charge. I'm having you all up in court. You'll hear a few home truths there.

Hamish: They're a laughing stock, aren't they, Uncle?

Hodges: Yeah, course they are. Laughing stock.

Hamish: Playing at soldiers, that's all they can do.

Hodges: Playing at soldiers, that's it.

Hamish: (about Jones' sausages) And his sausages are all bread.

Hodges: Yeah, all bread. All bread!

Jones: My sausages are not! (to Mainwaring) Well, you can't get the meat, you know, sir.

Mainwaring: All right.

Hodges: Tell them, Hamish.

Hamish: You should hear me and my mates laugh when you come on church parade. (Turns to Godfrey) And his hobbling around with his Red Cross handbag.

Hodges: (to Godfrey) Yeah, you and your Red Cross handbag. (Laughs) Yeah.

Hamish: They're almost as funny as the wardens!

Hodges: That's right, they're almost as... (to Hamish) What did you say?

Hamish: Well, you with your white hat and your flat nose and your "left, right!".

Hodges: Ooh, you cheeky little whippersnapper! (Starts chasing Hamish) You wait till I get you outside! I'll give you a flat nose!

Mainwaring: Ha ha ha. Well I should think that's the last we've heard of that. (Clears his throat) Although one thing is quite clear. If you, Vicar, and you, Verger, had dealt with that matter in a proper military fashion in the first place, this occurrence would never have happened.

Vicar: Oh, I see. It's all my fault, is it?

Mr Yeatman: So it's His Reverence's fault, is it?

[The Vicar and Mr. Yeatman walk up to Mainwaring]

Vicar: Well, as far as I'm concerned, it just goes to show how very silly the whole thing is. I'm fed to the teeth with the whole lot of you. You can keep your silly gun... (Drops his gun and takes his hat off) and your silly hat... (Starts removing his tunic) and your silly tunic! (Walks away, but Mr. Yeatman stops him)

Mr Yeatman: Oh, what about the silly trousers?

Vicar: I'll send them 'round in the morning. Oh, come along. (He and Mr. Yeatman leave)

[Mr. Hodges re-enters the hall]

Hodges: Help! Breakout! There's a stick of incendiaries dropped right across the High Street. The whole town will be on fire in a moment!

Mainwaring: Help us out, Frazer, get the stirrup pump.

Jones: Don't panic!

[The men leave the hall]

Mainwaring: Right, two buckets of water! Quickly!

Wilson: So sorry, sir, did I tread on your foot?

Mainwaring: Oh, never mind that. There's a war on. Where's my helmet? Come on. At the double! (Starts walking back to the office on his crutches)

Series Seven

"A Man of Action" [7.02]

[Mainwaring and Wilson enter the Vicar's office where the Vicar, Mr. Yeatman, Mr. Hodges, Inspector Baker and a fireman are all bickering]

Hodges: We can't get anywhere. We're all talking at once, we won't get anywhere! (Sees Mainwaring) Ah, where have you been? Don't you know there's an emergency on?

Mainwaring: How dare you hold a meeting in my office without my permission?

Vicar: This happens to be MY office, Captain Mainwaring.

Mainwaring: It also happens to be my office.

Hodges: And it also happens to be my office, and I'm holding an emergency meeting.

Mainwaring: Emergency. What emergency?

Vicar: Oh. Do you mean to say you haven't heard? Oh, uh, you know Inspector Baker and Fire Officer Dale.

Mainwaring: Yes.

Wilson: How awfully nice to see you. It was fun last night, wasn't it? You know, Connie wears awfully well, doesn't she?

Mainwaring: Never mind about Connie. (to Hodges) What's happening here?

Hodges: What's happened? A land mine has landed on the railway line, just outside the town.

Inspector Baker: Fortunately, nobody was seriously hurt, but it's destroyed over 100 yards of railway track!

Hodges: And the town's gas and water supplies have been cut off!

Fire Officer Dale: And if those Jerry planes drop any firebombs, we've had it.

Mainwaring: This is serious, I'm getting on to GHQ.

Hodges: Look, the telephone lines are down as well. That's no good.

[Mr Gordon enters]

Mr Gordon: I've just heard the news! No gas, no water, no telephones! The town's cut off! We're marooned! Marooned! What are we going to do?

Mainwaring: All right, all right, Mr Town Clerk. No need to get into a panic.

Mr Gordon: I'm not in a panic! But somebody's got to do something.

[Everyone starts arguing while Mainwaring and Wilson go over to a quieter part of the office]

Mainwaring: Something's got to be done, Wilson.

Wilson: Certainly has, sir.

Mainwaring: There's only one thing for it. I shall have to take charge.

Wilson: I quite agree, sir.

Mainwaring: That's just the sort of remark I'd expect... What did you say?

Wilson: I said "I quite agree, sir." Without you in charge, God knows what's going to happen to this town. I'm right behind you.

Mainwaring: Thank you, Wilson.

Wilson: Not at all, sir. Don't mention it.

Mainwaring: Now get Frazer, Jones and Godfrey in here.

Wilson: Sir.

Mainwaring: At the double.

Wilson: Right, sir.

Mainwaring: Rifles and bayonets.

[Wilson goes out into the hall and calls for Frazer, Jones and Godfrey]

Wilson: Frazer! Jones! Godfrey! In here at the double! Rifles and fixed bayonets! (Goes back into the office and speaks to Mainwaring) There you are, sir. How was that?

Mainwaring: I can hardly believe my ears. Is this really you?

Wilson: Yes, sir, it's really me, yes. When the occasion demands, I can bawl and shout just like you.

[Mainwaring goes over to the Vicar]

Mainwaring: Now, Vicar! Vicar, I'm very sorry to do this. Corporal Jones.

Jones: Sir.

Mainwaring: Frazer.

Frazer: Here.

Mainwaring: Clear my desk.

Jones: Clear the desk, clear the desk. (Threatens Mr Yeatman with a bayonet)

Mr Yeatman: How dare you threaten His Reverence with a bayonet?

Jones: He's not the only one who's being threatened. Now you clear off, mate.

Vicar: I think we better humour him, Mr Yeatman. It's quite obvious Captain Mainwaring has gone mad!

Mainwaring: Right, form in a tight group behind me.

Jones: In a tight group behind the captain! At the double, march!

Frazer: Right.

[Frazer, Jones and Godfrey form a group behind Mainwaring, albeit too tightly]

Wilson: All right, sir?

Mainwaring: Not as tight as that! Get their attention!

Frazer: Cap'n Mainwaring! Aroo! Aroo! Aroo, you Han Sassenachs! Aroo!

Mainwaring: All right, all right, Frazer.

Wilson: All right, Frazer, that's enough. Captain Mainwaring would like to make an announcement.

Mainwaring: As from now, this town is under martial law.

Everyone: Martial law?

Hodges: What's that mean?

Mainwaring: I am now taking over.

Hodges: Ooh! Ooh! He's been leading up to this for years, and now he's finally done it! Well, you won't get away with this, Napoleon! (Turns to Inspector Baker) Inspector, arrest that man!

[Inspector Baker stands up]

Inspector Baker: Captain Mainwaring, you, you really can't do this, you know. I mean, after all, if anyone should take charge, the police should. Anyway, where's your authority?

[Mainwaring places a gun on the desk]

Mainwaring: There's my symbol of authority. And I have 15 fully-armed men behind me. What have you got?

Inspector Baker: Well, there's me and my sergeant, two constables...

Fire Officer Dale: Yeah, that's right, Dick and George.

Inspector Baker: That's right, Dick and George.

Mr Cheeseman: Captain Mainwaring, man of action! I'm right behind you, boy. The power of the press, remember. The power of the press!

Mainwaring: Thank you, Mr Cheeseman.

Mr Cheeseman: Yes.

Mainwaring: Sergeant Wilson.

Wilson: Sir?

Mainwaring: Bring some paper and pencils.

Wilson: Aye, sir.

Mainwaring: The rest of you, follow me.

---

Mainwaring: No liquor is to be taken without my permission.

Frazer: Hold on! That is undemocratic!

Mainwaring: You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits.

Frazer: I'm right behind you, Cap'n!

"Gorilla Warfare" [7.03]

Frazer: Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn?

Mainwaring: Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer.

Frazer: Right. The story of the old, empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.

Mainwaring (To Godfrey) You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.

Fraser: He couldn't move swiftly across country stark naked.

Pike: Uncle Arthur, Captain Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back.

"The Captain's Car" [7.05]

[Mr. Hodges, Captain Mainwaring, Sergeant Wilson and Private Pike go outside the church to check out the camouflaged Rolls-Royce 20/25]

Mainwaring: Look at that, Wilson.

Wilson: Yeah.

Hodges: You shouldn't have it by rights! She would have given it to me if you hadn't shoved your oar in.

Mainwaring: Magnificent, isn't it, Wilson?

Wilson: Yes.

Mainwaring: Look at that craftsmanship, eh? British throughout. Show me the French car that could match that.

Pike: Yeah, or a Yankee one.

Mainwaring: As indeed you say, Pike, or a Yankee one.

Wilson: I must say, it looks awfully good as a staff car.

Mainwaring: I'll say it looks good. I'll bet there isn't another one like this in the whole of the British Isles.

[But then, a second camouflaged car comes down the street]

Mainwaring: Great Scott! What's that?

Pike: It's twins.

[The sound of a honking horn is heard as the car pulls up behind Mainwaring's car. Inside it are Lance-Corporal Jones and Private Frazer]

Jones: Look at that, Mr Frazer. They've got another one.

Frazer: Aye. Typical Mainwaring. One on and one in the wash.

Mainwaring: (Where did you get that car, Wilson?

Wilson: Outside the Town Hall with Angela's chauffeur.

Mainwaring: Then where did that one come from, Jones?

[Godfrey comes out to speak to Mainwaring]

Godfrey: Captain Mainwaring, I...

Mainwaring: Yes?

Godfrey: I'm sorry to bother you, but the town clerk is on the telephone. He wants to speak to you rather urgently. It seems the Mayor has lost his Rolls-Royce.

[Mainwaring goes inside the church hall to answer the telephone]

Pike: Uncle Arthur?

Wilson: Yes?

Pike: Do you think the Mayor's going to be cross with Mr. Mainwaring for putting dirty brown paint all over his Rolls-Royce?

Series Eight

"Ring Dem Bells" [8.01]

The platoon has gone into a pub dressed as Nazis, without Mainwaring's permission

Jones: We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson.

Wilson: Well, what are you going to have?

Jones: A pint.

---

Landlord: Good morning, Gentlemen. What can I get...(turns and sees the platoon dressed as Nazis)

Pike: (in a German accent) Gut afternoon, mein host. 16 shandies mit the ginger beer.

Landlord: (stammers) Pints or 'alves?

Pike: Pints!

"When You've Got to Go" [8.02]

Mainwaring: This really is most awkward, isn't it, Wilson?

Wilson: I really do feel very deeply for you.

Mainwaring: Look, couldn't you help us out?

Wilson: I'm terribly sorry.

Mainwaring: You must realise how embarrassing a situation this is for me.

Wilson: Well, can't you and Frank go round again?

Pike: I think Mum wanted to come, but she's ever so upset at losing me. I'm all she's got, you know. That's why she was a bit off with Uncle Arthur when he asked her.

Mainwaring: Oh, you did ask, then?

Wilson: Yes.

Pike: At breakfast.

Wilson: Frank.

Pike: I think she was going to say yes, that is until Uncle Arthur mentioned that there was a sort of burnt taste about the... that porridge, so she picked up the pan and poured it in his Homburg hat. They haven't spoken since.

Mainwaring: You take my advice. Whomever you marry, take a very firm stand with your wife from the outset.

Pike: Start as you mean to go on, eh?

Mainwaring: That's right.

Pike: I'll remember that.

Mainwaring: Good lad.

Pike: Mrs Mainwaring coming? I said is Mrs Mainwaring coming? (Pulls a silly face)

Mainwaring: Y'know, you're going to have to do something about that habit of yours.

Pike: What habit?

Mainwaring: This. (Pulls a silly face like Pike just did)

Pike: What? (Mainwaring pulls the silly face again) Do I do that?

Mainwaring: Almost at the end of every sentence you go... (Pulls the silly face)

Pike: Oh, how awful. Oh, thank you for telling me, Mr. Mainwaring. (Pulls the silly face)

Wilson: I was noticing when you were... when you were talking to young Frank just now.

Mainwaring: Hmmm?

Wilson: D'you know, I... I believe you're beginning to catch this face thing.

Mainwaring: I was explaining to the boy that if he doesn't stop it...

[Mr. Hodges enters the hall]

Hodges: Cor blimey, it's a bit quiet, isn't it? You couldn't move in here yesterday when my lot were in. (Turns to the Doctor) Let's have a look at the score, Doc. (The doctor gives him the chart and Hodges chuckles) Hodges, 50. Mainwaring, 3.

Mainwaring: Yes, well, most of my people haven't turned up yet.

Doctor: Well, I sincerely hope they come soon.

Hodges: Go on, admit it, Mainwaring, you've lost.

Doctor: There is one consolation, Captain Mainwaring. From my initial test, it seems that Private Pike is of a very rare blood group. You won't find one like him in 10,000.

Wilson: Well done, Frank.

[The camera cuts to Private Pike who is sitting on a bed]

Pike: Did you hear that, Mr. Mainwaring? I'm one in 10,000! (Stands up)

Hodges: (about Pike) I always said he wasn't normal.

Mainwaring: Look, don't insult this boy. He's going to serve his country.

Hodges: Cor blimey, they must be scraping the barrel.

Doctor: Give me the details of your call-up and I'll notify your unit, just in case. Right, start packing up, Sister, we'll move on to the next collection point.

[Private Godfrey arrives]

Godfrey: Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring.

Mainwaring: Yes, but don't be too long.

Godfrey: It's a... It's the yard, it's full of people, sir.

Mainwaring: Well, use the one next to the vestry.

Godfrey: Corporal Jones has brought them, sir.

Mainwaring: What?

[Lance-Corporal Jones enters]

Jones: Sir, Captain Mainwaring, sir. I've done it, sir. I've done it. Ninety-seven pints I've got, sir. I've done it, sir.

Mainwaring: What are you talking about, Jones?

Jones: Frazer, come on, bring the Sergeant in.

[Private Frazer brings in the captured sergeant]

Frazer: Go on! Get in there. Go on, go. Right, left, right, left, halt! Salute the officer. Salute the... (Poke the sergeant with a stick)

Italian Sergeant: (Yells) (in Italian accent) What the for you stick me with the bayonet? I no make trouble. Me buddy-buddy, friend.

Mainwaring: What's all this about?

Jones: Well, sir, I went down to the Italian prisoner of war POW camp and I saw the guard there, and I gave him a little bit of fillet steak, sir, and he let me bring 80 prisoners of wars out for donoring purposes, sir.

Hodges: I object. That's not fair, that's enemy blood.

Mainwaring: Of course it's fair. They started it.

Italian Sergeant: Hey, what you calling me enemy for? I not enemy. I sit at home, mind my business. Trattoria Paisano. Very good food. I cook myself. Then they... Then they come to me, they say, "Hey you! You got to go, you got to go fight! You got to go bangy bang!" We is not to blame, Signor Capitano. It's the Signor Adolf Hitler, they is to blame.

Mainwaring: Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends.

Italian soldier: Friends? Oh, you can talk about friends. What about the Stalins?

Mainwaring: That's enough of that.

"High Finance" [8.05]

[Mr. Mainwaring is at the door which leads to the Vicar's office]

Mainwaring: Come in, Mrs. Pike.

[Mrs. Pike enters the church hall]

Pike: Mum?

Mainwaring: Take a seat, please.

Mrs Pike: Thank you, Captain Mainwaring. (Sits between Frank and Private Godfrey)

Hodges: What's she doing here?

Mainwaring: (Pointing to Hodges) You'll find out soon enough. (Turns to Mrs. Pike) Now then, Mrs Pike, would you mind repeating what you told me a little while ago?

Mrs Pike: Well, Mr. Hodges, there, he's my landlord. And about a year ago, he told me that he was going to increase the rent on my house from £1 a week to £2. Well, of course I told him I couldn't possibly afford it, but he said not to worry about it, I could owe it to him. (Gets a bit upset) But then... then last week, he asked me to go for a drink with him to the Red Lion. And he told me that I owed him £50 back rent, but... (Calmly) ...but that he'd forget all about it if I was nice to him.

Mainwaring: (off camera) Swine.

[Sergeant Wilson stands up]

Wilson: Would you excuse me, just for a moment, sir? (Walks over to Mr. Hodges) Would you mind awfully standing up? (Hodges stands up and Wilson slaps him)

Hodges: Warggh! (Falls backwards onto Mr. Yeatman)

Wilson: All right, sir. You can carry on when you like.

Hodges: You're mad. That's criminal assault that is!

Wilson: (off camera) Shut up.

Hodges: I'll sue you. I'll have you for every penny!

Mainwaring: Oh, be quiet, Hodges. Making such a fuss about a little tap like that.

Hodges: Little tap?

Mainwaring: Carry on please, Mrs Pike.

Mrs Pike: Oh, then I just told Arthur, I mean Sergeant Wilson, that I needed £50 for the back rent.

Mainwaring: If I were you, Hodges, I'd give that £50 back to Mrs Pike. You'd no right to put up the rent and you know you hadn't.

Hodges: I'll do nothing of the sort. It's my property, and I'll charge what I want for it.

Jones: Oh, no you won't. I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce, and they'll throw you out on your ear.

Frazer: And, as a member of the Chamber of Commerce (taps the table), I second that.

Godfrey: And I third it.

Frazer: (Amid much noise) You're not a shopkeeper, so shut up.

Hodges: All right, I'll pay it back.

Pike: Go on, then, give it to Mum now. Go on, go on.

Hodges: Look, I don't carry £50 in cash around with me.

Series Nine

"Knights of Madness" [9.03]

Mainwaring: A man in my position can't be seen fighting a dragon in cardboard armour!

"The Miser's Hoard" [9.04]

Mainwaring has given the platoon a lecture about how they should keep their money and valuables in the bank.

Mainwaring: I don't think Frazer suspected I was referring particulary to him, do you?

Wilson: Oh no sir. No, not at all, no. But I must say when you said the word "gold", I did just notice that he jumped every so slightly out of his skin.

Mainwaring: Well, I'm quite sure he had no inkling that I really knew.

Wilson: Oh, no sir. No, no, no. Not at all, no.

(Frazer knocks on door)

Mainwaring: Come in... Yes Frazer.

Frazer: Captain Mainwaring, there's just one thing I want to say to you. If you think you are going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again. I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you. That's all I want to say. Thank you.

---

Mainwaring opens Frazer's money box

Mainwaring: It's a brick! It's a damn brick.

Frazer: Aye! It's a brick! And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk.

"Never Too Old" [9.06]

[Final lines. Mr. Hodges arrives at the pier where Captain Mainwaring and his men are keeping guard]

Hodges: Hello, what are you lot doing here?

Mainwaring: In case you'd forgotten, there's an invasion alert on.

Hodges: Haven't you heard? It was a false alarm. We got the stand-down half an hour ago.

Wilson: So Hitler won't be joining us tonight then?

Hodges: No. It's just as well with you lot guarding us. (Laughs)

Mainwaring: What does that mean?

Hodges: Well, I mean, look at you. What good would you be against real soldiers? (Snickers) Oh, dear. They'd walk straight through you. Goodnight. (He leaves the pier)

Jones: Here, he has no business to...

Mainwaring: All right, all right. Don't take any notice of him, men. (Turns to Jones) Here's to your future health. (Clings mugs with Jones)

Wilson: Yes, here's to you, Jonesy.

Frazer: Here, Jonesy.

Wilson: Good luck to you.

Pike: Mr Mainwaring?

Mainwaring: Hmm?

Pike: Warden wasn't right, was he, when he said the Nazis would walk straight through us?

Mainwaring: Of course he wasn't right.

Jones: Well, I know one thing. They're not walking straight through me.

Frazer: Nor me. I'll be beside you, Jonesy.

Mainwaring: We'll all be beside you, Jonesy. We'll stick together. You can rely on that. Anybody tries to take our homes or our freedom away from us, they'll find out what we can do. We'll fight, and we're not alone. There are thousands of us all over England.

Frazer: And Scotland.

Mainwaring: And Scotland. All over Great Britain, in fact. Men who'll stand together when their country needs them.

Wilson: 'Scuse me, sir, don't you think it might be a nice idea if we were to pay our tribute to them?

Mainwaring: For once, Wilson, I agree with you. To Britain's Home Guard. (Raises his mug)

Men: (to the camera) To Britain's Home Guard. (They drink their mugs of champagne)

Cast

• Captain George Mainwaring - Arthur Lowe
• Sergeant Arthur Wilson - John Le Mesurier
• Lance Corporal Jack Jones - Clive Dunn
• Private James Frazer - John Laurie
• Private Charles Godfrey - Arnold Ridley
• Private Frank Pike - Ian Lavender
• Private Joe Walker - James Beck

External links

• Encyclopedic article on Dad's Army on Wikipedia
• Media related to Dad's Army on Wikimedia Commons
• Dad's Army quotes at the Internet Movie Database