Dad's Army

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You stupid boy!

Dad's Army (1968-1977), British sitcom about the Home Guard in World War II by Jimmy Perry and David Croft. The show focuses on the Walmington-On-Sea platoon of the Home Guard, commanded by pompous bank manager Captain Mainwaring, assisted by his mild-mannered chief clerk, Sergeant Wilson. Other members of the platoon include: Lance Corporal Jones, an enthusiastic old soldier who now runs a butcher shop; Private Frazer, a pessimistic Scotsman and former Naval CPO; Private Godfrey, the elderly medical orderly; Private Pike, a naïve teenager and, by some distance, the youngest member of the platoon; and Private Walker, a black marketeer. This motley band of men provide Walmington-on-Sea's last line of defence against the threat of invasion from the Nazi hordes.

Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

Theme song[edit]

Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr. Hitler?[edit]

Lyrics by Jimmy Perry, music by Derek Taverner, performed by Bud Flanagan.
Who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler
If you think we’re on the run?
We are the boys who will stop your little game!
We are the boys who will make you think again!
'Cause, who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler
If you think old England’s done?
Mr Brown goes off to town on the eight twenty one,
But he comes home each evening and he’s ready with his gun.
[The following verse was omitted from the broadcast theme tune.]
So watch out, Mr Hitler.
You have met your match in us.
If you think you can crush us.
We're afraid you've missed the bus.
'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr. Hitler
If you think old England’s done?

Series One[edit]

"Museum Piece" [1.02][edit]

Jones: Don't be like that dad, there's a war on.
Jones' Dad: Oh, I wondered what the noise was.

"The Enemy Within the Gates" [1.04][edit]

Polish Officer: You're supposed to keep a look out like soldiers, not talk like old women. What are your names?
Jones: Jones, sir.
Pike: Pike, sir.
Walker: Smith.
Jones: Walker.
Walker: Oh, thanks very much.
Polish Officer: It's no good you try and give me falseys.

Series Three[edit]

"The Bullet Is Not For Firing" [3.04][edit]

Vicar: Mr Mainwaring, if you can do your blood-curdling bayonet practice in the middle of my responses, I can do my Jubilate in the middle of your inquiry!

Jones: I was just going to give the order...just going to give the order...just going to give..
Mainwaring: What's the matter, Corporal?
Jones: I think I'm going Sir. I hear angels' voices!
Mainwaring: Those are not angels' voices; it's the choir in the office!
Jones: Well if that's what it's like to go, I like it, I like it!

Jones: Come on boys, show 'em [the platoon cock their guns and aim them upwards], enemy plane I said, just like you said Sir. Swing with the plane, boys, swing with the plane, aim just in front. And then I gave the order 'shoot'.
Mainwaring: No, no not 'shoot'; FIRE!
(The platoon have instinctively followed the order and pulled the triggers on their guns, which were loaded, unknown to them. Pieces of debris rain down from the roof as the Vicar and Mr Yeatman come rushing in)
Mr Yeatman: VANDALS!
Mainwaring: Shall we meet again at the same time, same place next week?

"No Spring for Frazer" [3.13][edit]

Having cleaned and returned a Lewis gun
Frazer: Thank goodness! I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks.
Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt, Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun.
Frazer: If it was a privilege, none of us would ever be getting a look in; you and the Sergeant would be doing it all the time.
Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer.
Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop.
Mainwaring: Your workshop?
Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned.
Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without its butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in through that door you could do nothing with that, but hit him with it.
Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer were to hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water.

Series Four[edit]

"Don't Fence Me In" [4.05][edit]

(Trying to find someone to open the door of a prisoner of war camp)
Jones: Is anybody there? Is anybody there? If you are not there, say so.

"The Test" [4.10][edit]

Watching Hodges' opening bowler walking to his mark
Mainwaring: Where is he going?
Hodges: It's when he comes to you, you want to worry. That ball leaves his hand at ninety five miles an hour. This guy would've been playing for England if the war hadn't started. ("The Bowler" is played by former England fast bowler Fred Trueman).
Mainwaring: What?
Hodges: I'm gonna enjoy this.
(The Bowler runs in and Mainwaring is beaten for pace and knocked off his feet)
Hodges: (Laughing) Enjoying yourself, Mainwaring?
Mainwaring: He's not bowling at the stumps. He's bowling at me.

"A. Wilson (Manager)?" [4.11][edit]

[Mainwaring has just received two phone calls informing him that Wilson has been made manager of the Eastgate branch and Wilson has been commissioned. Shortly afterwards the phone rings again]
Mainwaring: Yes, Mainwaring here.
Vicar: Good Morning Mr. Mainwaring, Vicar here.
Mainwaring: What are you going to tell me about Wilson; that he's been made Archbishop of Canterbury?

"Uninvited Guests" [4.12][edit]

[after talking (for a considerable time) about how he had seen a curse]
Pike: Did the curse come true?
Frazer: Aye son it did, he died....last year, he was 86.

"Fallen Idol" [4.13][edit]

Drinking game in the officers' mess: being made a Cardinal
Mainwaring: (tipsy) Here's to the health of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Square: (laughs) What's that got to do with it?
Mainwaring: It's all the same thing. It's all religious, isn't it?
Square: It's the wrong denomination.
Mainwaring: Wrong denomi-...nomination?
Square: Yes, it's RC. You wanted C of E.
Mainwaring: Yes. Right. (raises his glass) Here's to the health...of the Duchess of York...who's a friend of Cardinal Puff-Puff-Puff-Puff!

Series Five[edit]

"Keep Young and Beautiful" [5.02][edit]

Sergeant Wilson is waiting for Godfrey, Frazer and Jones to fall in as

Wilson: Come on. Come on, gents, hurry up, hurry up. Come on. Come on, Godfrey.
(Godfrey and Frazer enter with makeup and black hair and join the platoon. Then, Jones comes in with black hair and looks at Sergeant Wilson)
Jones: Oh, there you are.
Wilson: Over there.
Jones: Oh, right. (Joins the platoon, but he stands in front of Frazer)
Wilson: All right, Jones, fall in. Quick as you can. Come on.
Walker: Come on, Jonesy. Come on. (Drags Corporal Jones into position) In you get.
Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant. Only without my specs, I'm a bit hard of seeing.
Wilson: Yes, of course. Right, squad. (Jones stamps his foot) Wait for it, Jones.
Jones: I'm sorry, Sergeant, I'm a bit too alert this morning.
Wilson: Yes, of course you are. Right, squad, attention!
(The platoon stamps their feet, with Jones doing it last)
Jones: Is that better?
Wilson: No, it wasn't really much better, but it doesn't matter. (to Mainwaring who comes in) Platoon ready for your inspection, sir.
Mainwaring: Thank you, Sergeant. Now, I think you all know me well enough to know that this inspection by the Area Commander is very much against my wishes. However, orders are orders. But if any of you are urged to join the ARP against your wishes, I shall complain to the very highest authority possible.
Men: Thank you very much, sir.
(Mainwaring and Wilson start inspecting the men, with Private Pike going first)
Mainwaring: I think you'll be all right, Pike.
Pike: Yes, sir.
Mainwaring: And you, Walker. (Goes to Jones) And... Who is this?
Wilson: I think that's Jones, sir.
Mainwaring: Jones? What on earth have you been doing to yourself?
Jones: I didn't want to leave you, Captain Mainwaring, nor these brave troops that you captain and I lance corporal. Private Frazer's fixed me up.
Mainwaring: What's the meaning of this, Frazer?
Frazer: (Mutters)
Walker: What did Horace say, Winnie?
Jones: He's not speaking very plainly this afternoon, sir, on the account that his cheeks is puffed up with cotton wool.
Mainwaring: Did you know about this?
Wilson: Yes, I did, sir, but I turned a blind eye to it.
Mainwaring: Well, you've no business to. I'm the only one with authority to turn blind eye. (Goes over to Godfrey who has put makeup on) God. Godfrey? Whatever's happened to you?
Godfrey: Well, it's Mr. Frazer's fluid, sir. It stretches the skin.
Mainwaring: This is ridiculous. He looks like Madame Butterfly. (to Godfrey) Get it off at once!
Godfrey: I don't think I can, sir.
Mainwaring: How long does it last, Frazer?
Frazer: (Mutters)
Mainwaring: What did he say?
Jones: He says he's never dug anyone up to have a look.
(Then, Hodges walks in)
Hodges: Ah, there you are, Napoleon.
Mainwaring: How dare you barge in here like that in the middle of parade! What do you want?
Wilson: Clear off, will you?
Hodges: I just wanted you to know, if you've got any ideas about getting me into your shower, forget it. Look. (Removes his helmet to reveal that his hair is now white)
Mainwaring: Very distinguished.
Hodges: Not bad, eh?
Walker: Wait till he tries to get it off.
Mainwaring: I can't think why you went to all that trouble.
Hodges: Why? Because I'd rather look 107 than serve under you. That's why.
Mainwaring: I see. Pity it doesn't show under the hat.
Hodges: Well, what if it doesn't? I'll stoop. That's what I'll do, I'll stoop a bit. Yes, stoop. (The men start talking) They're not getting me into your squad, Mainwaring. The way I'm going on parade, they wouldn't even have me in the Chelsea Pensioners.
(The men start talking again until Mainwaring speaks)
Mainwaring: Now I don't approve of this ridiculous charade, but it's too late to do anything about it. So be it on your own heads.
Wilson: That was rather witty, sir.
Mainwaring: Carry on, sergeant.
Wilson: Aye, sir. (to the platoon) Attention. Platoon, left, turn. (The platoon turns left) By the right, quick march. Left wheel. (The men start marching as Jones walks up to Mainwaring)
Mainwaring: That way, Corporal. (Turns Jones round so that he follows the others)

"Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel" [5.12][edit]

Mainwaring is not surprised to hear Wilson defending Captain Stewart

Mainwaring: You both went to public schools, didn't you?
Wilson: You know, I can't help feeling, Sir, you've got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder about that.
Mainwaring: There's no chip on my shoulder, Wilson. I'll tell you what there is on my shoulder, though: three pips, and don't you forget it.

"Time on My Hands" [5.13][edit]

German airman: Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! (Please, sir! Oh, please, please!)
Jones: It's no good trying to apologise.
German: Schnell! Schnell! (Quick! Quick!)
Jones: Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it.

Series Six[edit]

"The Deadly Attachment" [6.01] [edit]

Video version, on Youtube
German U-boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and your name will go on the list; and when we win the war you will be brought to account.
Captain Mainwaring: You can write what you like; you're not going to win this war!
U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are.
Mainwaring: Oh no, you're not.
U-boat Captain: Oh yes, we are!
Pvt. Pike: [Singing] Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!
U-boat Captain: Your name will also go on the list! What is it?
Mainwaring: Don't tell him Pike!
U-boat Captain: Pike!

Later on, after the tables have turned courtesy of a foolish mistake by Hodges, the platoon are ordered to accompany the German crew on their boat, to protect them from the Navy (who will not blow up their boat if there are British men aboard):
U-boat Captain: When we arrive in France, you will be MY prisoners and then - we shall examine the List!

U-boat Captain: Just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me [puts grenade down Jones' trousers with string attached to pin]. One false move from you...and I pull the string!
Jones: Oh...don't make any false moves Mr Mainwaring, and don't make any real ones either!
U-boat Captain: Seven seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.
Frazer: A terrible way to die!
Mainwaring: (to the U-boat captain) You unspeakable swine!

"The Recruit" [6.07] [edit]

(about Mr Yeatman)
Frazer: He has a face like a sour prune.

The Vicar has just joined the platoon, and Mainwaring is not happy about it.
Vicar: Could I stand by and watch my wife being raped by a Nazi? Finally I said to myself, no I couldn't.
Mainwaring: But you're not married.
Vicar: I have a very vivid imagination.

Series Seven[edit]

"A Man of Action" [7.02][edit]

Mainwaring: No liquor is to be taken without my permission.
Frazer: Hold on! That is undemocratic!
Mainwaring: You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits.
Frazer: I'm right behind you, Cap'n!

"Gorilla Warfare" [7.03][edit]

Frazer: Would you like to hear the story of the old, empty barn?
Mainwaring: Um. Yes, yes, ehh yes, it might put us in a good mood before we go to sleep. Pay attention everybody. Private Frazer is going to tell us the story of the old empty barn. Carry on Frazer.
Frazer: Right. The story of the old, empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.
Mainwaring (To Godfrey) You can't move swiftly across country loaded down with that.
Fraser: He couldn't move swiftly across country stark naked.
Pike: Uncle Arthur, Captain Mainwaring's just gone past with a monkey on his back

Series Eight[edit]

"Ring Dem Bells" [8.01][edit]

The platoon has gone into a pub dressed as Nazis, without Mainwaring's permission
Jones: We shouldn't do this, Sergeant Wilson.
Wilson: Well, what are you going to have?
Jones: A pint.

Landlord: Good morning, Gentlemen. What can I get...(turns and sees the platoon dressed as Nazis)
Pike: (in a German accent) Gut afternoon, mein host. 16 shandies mit the ginger beer.
Landlord: (stammers) Pints or 'alves?
Pike: Pints!

"When You've Got to Go" [8.02][edit]

Mainwaring: "Your government should be more careful about who it chooses for friends."
Italian soldier: "Friends? Oh, you can talk about friends. What about Stalin?"
Mainwaring: "That's enough of that!"

"High Finance" [8.05][edit]

Hodges: (about lowering Mrs. Pike's rent) I'll do nothing of the sort. It's my property, and I'll charge what I want for it.
Jones: Oh, no you won't. I shall report you to the Chamber of Commerce, and they'll throw you out on your ear.
Frazer: And, as a member of the chamber of commerce (taps the table), I second that.
Godfrey: And I third it.
Frazer: (Amid much noise) You're not a shopkeeper, so shut up.

Series Nine[edit]

"Knights of Madness" [9.03][edit]

Mainwaring: A man in my position can't be seen fighting a dragon in cardboard armour!

"The Miser's Hoard" [9.04][edit]

Mainwaring has given the platoon a lecture about how they should keep their money and valuables in the bank.
Mainwaring: I don't think Frazer suspected I was referring particulary to him, do you?
Wilson: Oh no sir. No, not at all, no. But I must say when you said the word "gold", I did just notice that he jumped every so slightly out of his skin.
Mainwaring: Well, I'm quite sure he had no inkling that I really knew.
Wilson: Oh, no sir. No, no, no. Not at all, no.
(Frazer knocks on door)
Mainwaring: Come in... Yes Frazer.
Frazer: Captain Mainwaring, there's just one thing I want to say to you. If you think you are going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again. I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you. That's all I want to say. Thank you.

Mainwaring opens Frazer's money box
Mainwaring: It's a brick! It's a damn brick.
Frazer: Aye! It's a brick! And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk.


External links[edit]