Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly (2000)
- Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin' there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was, like, "Oh, good. Sesame Street. Now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah. Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's, like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street. Nobody's helping me." Now you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people, like, "Get it together, grouch. Get a job, grouch."
- White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ask a white guy who's he votin' for, like, "Hey, Bob, who you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy. So I was fuckin' my wife in her ass, right? And let me tell you, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, but who are you gonna vote for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting! I'm trying to tell you about fucking my wife in the ass, and you're asking me all these personal questions."
- Just cuz I eat Chicken and Watermelon they think that something’s wrong with me. Let me tell you somethin if you don’t like chicken and watermelon, something is wrong with you, there is something wrong with you! Where are all these people who don't like Chicken and Watermelon? I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is, it's great! I'm waiting for Chicken to approach me to do a commercial nigga, I'll do it for free Chicken! It's the least I can do.
- Like, see, I'd never vote for George Bush Junior, but I don't know anything about his politics. All I know about that George Bush Junior is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now, listen, we can't have that shit in the White House. That may be fine for a mayor; but goddammit, not the White House! The stakes are too high. He'd be sellin' nuclear secrets for 20 or 30 dollars and shit.
- All I gotta say about Elian is, thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he had been Haitian, you'd have never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzalez was Elian Mumoombo from Haiti, they'd have pushed that little rubber tube back into the water. "Sorry, fella. All full."
- Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. Chivalry died when women started readin' the shit in all them magazines. They got too much advice about men from other women. And they don't know what the fuck they're talkin' about. I see them in the grocery store, says on the cover "100 Ways to Please Your Man" by some lady. Come on, man. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much and he'll be happy!
- The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!" Which is true. Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't ever forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me, saying, "Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!" "Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.
Dave Chappelle's Block Party (2006)
- Never in a million years will you hear somebody on the radio say "I'm up for runnin' up on them crackers in city hall."
- About Dead Prez
Inside the Actor's Studio
From Episode 11 from Season 12 of "Inside the Actor's Studio", aired on February 12, 2006
- The worst thing to call somebody is "crazy". It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. That's bullshit! People are not crazy. They are strong people...Maybe the environment is a little sick.
- The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
- You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.
Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth
- I know what you drink. See how quiet it got. Grape juice. Surprise, motherfuckers. You didn’t know I knew about grape juice, did you? Oh, don’t play dumb with me. Like, ah, what is it? A lot of black people don’t have the privilege of knowing about grape juice because they have grape drink. It’s not the same formula that you get. Ain’t no vitamins in that shit. You might have one of your black friends over “Todd, Todd, would you care for a glass of grape juice?” “What? Nigger, what the fuck is juice? I want some grape drink, baby.” “It’s purple. I don’t think I know what a grape drink is.” “What?” “I have some apple juice, if you want.” “What the fuck is juice? I want some apple drink. It’s green.” Remember that commercial for Sunny Delight when all the kids run in from outside playing and they all run to the fridge? “All right, I got some purple stuff, some Sunny D.” As soon as they say “Sunny D,” all the kids go, “Yeah!” Watch the black kid in the back. If you ever see that commercial, look at that black kid. He’d be like, “I want that purple stuff.” That’s drink, nigger, it’s drink. They want drink. They don’t want all them vitamins, man. They want drink. Sugar, water, purple. That’s the ingredients: sugar, water and of course, purple. It’s too fucking much.