Diary of a Wimpy Kid
- First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a diary. I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her to get one that didn't say "diary" on it. Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.
- Anyway, when Rodrick gets First Prize tomorrow and passes Science, I just hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a brother like ME.
- Hey, have you ever noticed this freckle before?
- (doing a skit in Spanish) Estario parado en mi ay-ay-ay!
- But like they say, a deal's a deal.
- Let me just say for the record I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit their growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.
- I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons.
- Bubby fwowed wock at big window [sliding glass dooiiij
- (making an excuse) I'm ownwy thwee!
- I'm sowwy, Bubby.
- (what he calls Greg) Bubby!
- Wood you wike some chokwits?
- (at a swim meet) Stop shivering, Greg!
- (to Manny) I think I just heard some grunting noises coming from the furnace room.
- What? I can't enjoy my music, too?
- I must be losing my marbles.
- Good luck with that!
- (To Rowley) The basement is off limits!
- You forgot your lunch at home!
- Did you do the right thing?
- That's not nice!
- Hi, honey bunches!
- (to Rodrick's band leader sticking out his tongue) I don't like that!
- (To Greg) You forgot this, sweetie pie. (shows sports bag to Greg)
- Joshie says that you should respect your parents and follow your dreams!
- ZOO-WEE MAMA!
- (when he has to pee) Juice! Juuuice!
- Wanna see my "Secret Freckle"?
- (in letter form) Dear Gregory, I'm very sorry I chased you with a booger on my finger. Here, I put it on this paper so you can get me back. (Greg faints).
- I bet you I can put your whole foot in my mouth!
- (To Greg) Can I peek at your infection?
Fregley: Wanna see my "secret freckle"?
Greg: Umm... no thanks.
(Rowley and Greg are playing Formula One Racing)
TV: BAD FART AHEAD!
Chirag: Rowley, do you think I exist?
Rowley: Nope! I can't even hear you or see you!
(In front of Manny)
Susan: I love you soooo much!
Frank: And I love you so much!
(Whenever Rowley comes over)
Frank: The basement is off-limits.
Rowley: Yes, sir.
(Trying out a secret code)
Greg: Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a woman-pa!
Rowley: Hee hee hee!
(Rowley's dad kicks Greg out)
Greg: Did you see any sharks fighting giant tarantulas on your safari?
Rowley: No. And sharks don't fight tarantulas.
Greg: Well, at Wild Kingdom they do.
Fregley: Can I peek at your infection?
Greg: Go away.
Greg: Rowley here just got back from South Dakota!
Rowley: South America!
Susan: Why don't you go outside and play with Fregley?
Greg: I think Fregley might be naked.
(Greg plays Rodrick's music without headphones plugged in, Frank rushes in)
Frank: Let's you and me have a talk, FRIEND.
(In book writing)
Greg: Mom has a TOTALLY different style when it comes to punishment. If you mess up and Mom catches you, the first thing she does is take a few days to figure out what your punishment should be. And while you're waiting, you do all these nice things to get off easier.
Greg: I just dusted the dining room for the heck of it!
Susan: How thoughtful of you!
Greg: But then after a few days, right when YOU forget you're in trouble, that's when she lays it on you.
(main dialogue, Greg playing video games)
Susan: Are you having fun?
Susan: No video games for a week!
Greg: I'm still grounded from playing video games, so Manny has been using my system. Mom went out and bought a whole bunch of educational video games, and watching Manny play them is like torture.
TV: What number comes after two and rhymes with "tree"?
Greg: THREE! THREE!