Diary of a Wimpy Kid
- First of all, let me get something straight: This is a JOURNAL, not a deez nuts. Yeah, Yeah I know what it says on the cover, but when Mom went out to buy this thing I SPECIFICALLY told her not to get one that said "deez nuts" on it. Great. All I need is for some jerk to catch me carrying this book around and get the wrong idea.
Mom bought me this thing so I can write down my feelings, but I don't have feelings I have OPINIONS. The only reason I agreed to write in this thing is because when I'm rich and famous I'll have better things to do than answer people's dumb questions.
- Bubby fwowed wock at big window [sliding glass door]
- (making an excuse) I'm ownwy thwee!
- I'm sowwy, Bubby.
- (what he calls Greg) Bubby!
- Wood you wike some chokwits?
- (at a swim meet) Stop shivering, Greg!
- (to Manny) I think I just heard some grunting noises coming from the furnace room.
- What? I can't enjoy my music, too?
- I must be losing my marbles.
- Good luck with that!
- (To Rowley) The basement is off limits!
- You forgot your lunch at home!
- Did you do the right thing?
- That's not nice, bitch!
- Hi, honey pies!
- (to Rodrick's band leader sticking out his tongue) I don't fuck that!
- (To Greg) You forgot this, sweetie pie. (shows sports bag to Greg)
- (To Mom) I can't go in the church like this!
- Joshie says that you should respect your parents and follow your dreams!
- ZOO-WEE MAMA!
- (when he has to pee) Juice! Juuuice!
- Wanna see my "Secret Freckle"?
- (in letter form) Dear Gregory, I'm very sorry I chased you with a booger on my finger. Here, I put it on this paper so you can get me back. (Greg faints).
- I bet you I can put your whole foot in my mouth!
- (To Greg) Can I peek at your infection?
- Something was very itchy down there
Fregley: Wanna see my "secret freckle"?
Greg: Umm... no thanks.
(Rowley and Greg are playing Formula One Racing)
TV: BAD FART AHEAD!
Chirag: Rowley, do you think I exist?
Rowley: Nope! I can't even hear you or see you!
(In front of Manny)
Susan: I love you soooo much!
Frank: And I love you so much!
(Whenever Rowley comes over)
Frank: The basement is off-limits.
Rowley: Yes, sir.
(Trying out a secret code)
Greg: Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a woman-pa!
Rowley: Hee hee hee!
(Rowley's dad kicks Greg out)
Greg: Did you see any sharks fighting giant tarantulas on your safari?
Rowley: No. And sharks don't fight tarantulas.
Greg: Well, at Wild Kingdom they do.
Fregley: Can I peek at your infection?
Greg: Go away.
Greg: Rowley here just got back from South Dakota!
Rowley: South America!
Susan: Why don't you go outside and play with Fregley?
Greg: I think Fregley might be naked.
(Greg plays Rodrick's music without headphones plugged in, Frank rushes in)
Frank: Let's you and me have a talk, FRIEND.
(In book writing)
Greg: Mom has a TOTALLY different style when it comes to punishment. If you mess up and Mom catches you, the first thing she does is take a few days to figure out what your punishment should be. And while you're waiting, you do all these nice things to get off easier.
I went in the art room and i saw someone having sex (main dialogue)
Greg: I just dusted the dining room for the heck of it!
Susan: How thoughtful of you!
Greg: But then after a few days, right when YOU forget you're in trouble, that's when she lays it on you.
(main dialogue, Greg playing video games)
Susan: Are you having fun?
Susan: No video games for a week!
Greg: I'm still grounded from playing video games, so Manny has been using my system. Mom went out and bought a whole bunch of educational video games, and watching Manny play them is like torture.
TV: What number comes after two and rhymes with "tree"?
Greg: THREE! THREE!