Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star

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Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star is a 2003 American comedy film directed by Sam Weisman and starring David Spade and Mary McCormick.


Sam: Okay, Stranger Danger, this is a Slip 'n Slide
Sally: If you master this, it's the first step to being a real kid.
Dickie: Great.
Sally: Dickie, there has to be water in it.
Dickie: Oh, that's...
Sam: That's going to leave a mark.
Dickie: That... stings.
Dickie: Good to go.
Dickie: - Yeah, all right.
Sam & Sally: - He did it.
Dickie: That was great. I got something better. Just water is lame.This thing needs a little Wesson-ality.
Sally: Dickie, are you sure about this?
Dickie: Steady. Here we go.
Sally: Oh, shizzit!
Dickie: Ow...! Splinter. That toy is Insane in the membrane Insane, got no brain.

Rob Reiner: Dickie Roberts This is Nucking Futs! Say It
Dickie: This is Nucking Futs!
Rob Reiner: Hilarious

[acting as a 6-year-old, finding a new bike on Christmas morning]

Dickie: Holy shit, a bike!
Rob Reiner: You're six.
Dickie: Holy crap, a bike!
Rob Reiner: You're six.
Dickie: Goo-goo, ga-ga, bikey!
Rob Reiner: Too far back.

Mrs. Gertrude: Aren't you a bit big to be in a stroller?
Dickie: Aren't you a bit big to be on the sidewalk?

Dickie : I got pretty banged up out there, but I learned some stuff. Let's keep it mellow

in the future. So, what do you drink, being a kid?

Sam: Uh, soda, like-like root beer.
Dickie: Well, not a wussy kid. A real kid, all right? You had me at the beer part, but you lost me at root. Now, let's not jump to malt liquor, but something in the middle.
Sally: How about real beer?
Dickie: Whoa, lady. Easy.
Sally: Whoa.
Dickie: Okay, real beer. How many?
Sally: Six-pack?
Dickie: So, you're crazy? A six-pack? Are you a total alkie? Oh, my gosh. How about four? One for you, one for you, and two for me 'cause I'm kind of a husky kid. Okay, so a six-pack.
Sam: You just said four.
Dickie: Oh, the wussy's taking the minutes of the meeting. Okay, four it is. I'll buy. I'll fly. [Dickie Gets Out A bottle Beer] We have beer.
Sam: We're not supposed to drink that.
Dickie: What?
Sam: We're supposed to think about drinking beer one day, in the future. It's like, uh, you know,

"When I get older, I'm going to be allowed to drink beer." It's going too fast.

Dickie: I knew kids that were on TV shows getting whiffed up when they're 16.
Sam: "Whiffed up"?
Dickie: Whiff, coke, toot, lines, blast, rails, nose candy, devil's dandruff,power flour, sniffy jiffy, booger sugar. Come on, Sam, the rest of the class is on page 52.
Sally: Dickie, when you're talking to me, all I'm thinking is Brick wall, waterfall. Dickie thinks he got it all, but he don't and I do. So, Boom with that attitude. Peace, punch Captain Crunch. I've got something you can't touch. Bang-Bang choo-choo train. Wind me up, I do my thing. Reeses Pieces, 7-Up. You mess with me, I'll mess you up.
Dickie: Interesting. Whatever. Anyway. By the way, sniffy jiffy, it's no good. Don't do it. Let me tell you something. About this putting stuff off? When I was your age, I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
Sally: Okay, see, that might be why you're such a mess now.
Dickie: Oh! How dare you. Anyway, check this out. Look, I went ahead and got you your precious root beer. Ooh, I love it.
Sam: [Sam Drink A Root Beer]
Dickie: [Dickie Drink A Root Beer] A, B, C, D, E, F, G. "I am Iron Man." I want to bang your mother.

I said I want...

Bully: Hey!
Dickie: Hey? Don't you mean, "Oink"?

[Grace is pushing Dickie down the sidewalk in a stroller]

Grace: This feels a little odd.
Dickie: Dude, I'm the one in the stroller.
Grace: Did you just call me dude?
Dickie: I mean mommy.

Dickie: [to a bully picking on Sam] Is that red hair, or did someone light a fart off your mouth?

Dickie: Whoa! You ever have such a bad wipeout you don't even feel it?


Sam: That wasn't one of them!

Dickie: Cereal? I've been drinking coffee

since I was three. I need a pick-me-up.

Grace: Too bad.
Dickie: Fine, cereal it is.

[having cereal]Oh, my gosh, There's a prize inside. [gives Grace the middle finger] There's a prize...

Sally: [both looking outside at treehouse] I wonder what he's doing up there.
Sam: Who cares, just as long as Stranger Danger's out of our house.
Sally:But still.
Sam: Yeah. It actually looks pretty cool. Is that a disco ball?
Dickie: [inside treehouse] Woo!
Sally: Seem, maybe we should peek our heads in.
Chic: Ah, freak out [Dickie Bell rings]
Sam: Okay, let me do the talking.
Dickie: Uh, May I help you? Was I being too loud in my treehouse?
Sam: Um...
Sally: Well, we just wanted to know if we could come up.
Dickie: "Can we come up?" All right, you can come up for a little bit, see what you're missing.
Sally: Well, you really fixed this place up, didn't you?
Dickie: Oh, yeah, I did. Put a little lipstick on this pig. But I'm confused, 'cause you like it now,and I thought the treehouse was a drag. If I took a poll, people would say it sucked. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm a dumb-dumb.
Sam: It is kind of cool now.
Dickie: Oh, it's cool now. You hear that? It's kind of cool now.
Sam: Let's go.
Dickie: Wait. Don't leave. You guys can stay. What do you want to do?

[Starting Rain & Thunder Claps]

Sam: And so the hook hand was hanging there on the car door.
Dickie: Ooh, that was intense.
Sally: Okay, now it's my turn.
Dickie: All right.
Sally: This is the story of the witch of Cloverfield Central School. Once upon a time, there was this witch in school. She was a very, very bad witch. Ha, ha. All the boys liked her, because they didn't know what a bad witch she was.
Dickie: Sally, does this witch have a name?
Sally: Mm... No, not really. Just a witch.
Dickie: Right, and Sally, what does this witch look like?
Dickie: Okay, she dresses very nice, 'cause her dad has a lot of money. Really hot capris, super tight Zootopia tops.
Dickie: I don't think this is a witch. I think it's Heather Bolan.
Sally: What? That's crazy. Okay, it's Heather Bolan.
Dickie: Huh Huh Oh, you know what, Sally? I don't like her and I've never even met her. Anyone who bugs you can't be good. Now it's my turn. My story is called "The Day the Sitcom Got Canceled." The sky, she was stormy that night. Suddenly, the phone rang. r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rang r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rang r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rang The little boy's mother picked it up. "Hello?" The evil producer on the other end said, "The ratings have hit a six-year low." It gets scarier. "The network is in a panic."
Sally & Sam: [scream]
Dickie: Yeah. Here's where it heats up. They didn't have a replacement show. No, no!
Sally & Sam: Come On Guys, Dickie! [Scream]
Dickie: I know, what are they going to do? What? What's wrong? There's something... Okay, I'll stop. What? No.
Dickie: [Dickie Straight In Bed] Don't, don't. Get away. No, get off.
Sam: He's having a nightmare.
Sally: He's been talking in his sleep like that for the last hour.
Grace: Dickie?
Dickie: He's getting... Get off. - Don't leave me.
Grace: - Dickie, wake up.
Dickie: No. It's on me. I can't...
Sally: Mom?
Grace: What?
Sam: Do something.
Dickie: No, not again.
Grace: Dickie, wake up. Dickie, wake up. Wake up.You were having a bad dream.
Dickie: Oh, there were these big spiders and they... they were trying to eat me and they jammed their legs down my ear and in my brain, and they were... Mom. ...guts of my head and...
Sam: Come on, Mom, sing it.
Dickie: And there was so many...
Grace: Okay. Dickie, this is what I do for my kids when they're having a nightmare. [singing] Hush little baby, don't say a word Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird And if that mockingbird don't sing Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring If that diamond ring turns brass... Okay. Let's go to bed. It's okay. [Sam on Bed Now] [Mum Shut A Door] [Sally On Your Bed Now] Good night Grace I See Your Morning
Dickie: Now, that was probably the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. You feel bad, and your mom actually tries to make you feel not bad. Wow. By the way, your mom's really hot.
Sam & Sally: - What? - Ew!
Dickie: What, am I wrong? And what's the backyard like? Has she got the G-string going or them big ol' grannies with the louvers? I'm betting sweet thong.
Sam & Sally: - Ugh! - Gross! Yuck.
Dickie: Come on, Sam, pretend she's not your mom. Are they real? I think they're real. I bumped into them the other day and it was like "boing," and I was like "boing."
Sam: Dickie, she's our mom.
Dickie: She's my mom, too, and I'm dealing with it somehow. Anyway. Good night, prude people. Dream the dream of prudes. Prude it up. Have a nice G-rated dream full of prudiness.
Sam: Go to sleep, Dickie.

Sidney: I may have to go to the bathroom every 45 minutes, but at least I get to pee in a gold toilet.

Sally: Dickie, you promised to help me with my pep squad tryouts.
Dickie: Oh, I will. That pep squad spot's got your name all over it. Did I ever tell you I was a backup dancer for Vanilla Ice?
Sam: [laughs] No way!
Dickie: Oh, yeah? I owe him a call.
Popeye: Boom.
Dickie: We're right on time.
Grace: -Are you sure? Yep, yep.
Grace: All right.
Dickie: Here we go You got the words down?
Sally: I think so, yeah.
Dickie: I think you do, too I drew this up last night These are your dance steps.
Valeri Perri-Lipson: Okay, girls, come on, let's go It's time to start Our first contestant is Heather Bolan.
Heather Bolan: Hey, Stallions,I got a message for you And it goes like this.
Willa Ford: Oh, I, I, I I wanna be bad with you baby I, I, I, I I wanna be bad with you baby

Do you, understand what I need,need (from you) Just let me be the girl to show you (you) Everything that she can be is everything that I can be I wanna be My turn Let me let you know that I can (I can) Promise that I won't do that So boy I, I wanna be bad (bad) You make bad feel so good I'm losing all my cool I'm about to break the rules I, I wanna be bad.

Heather Bolan: Thank you.
Dickie: Slut.
Valeri Perri-Lipson: Our next contestant, Sally Finney.
Grace: Have fun Just have fun, okay?
Dickie: You're good You know it.
Christopher Cross: It is the night My body's weak I'm on the run No time to sleep I've got to ride Ride like the wind To be free again And I've got such a long way to go To make it to the border of Mexico So I'll ride like the wind Ride like the wind Gonna ride like the wind.
Valeri Perri-Lipson: Oh, that was great!
Dickie: Yeah! That was perfect.
Grace: Sally, I'm so proud of you.
Dickie: Yippee!